Chapter 11: Surf Legend
Mondo and Woodie went to the beach, but the water is calm. No waves for them to serve. "Balls! The waves are all flat and mushed out!" Mondo complained.
"Let's go rub the statue." Woodie suggested. He points to a bronze statue of a lean-yet-muscular surfer in a speedo, where several passing surfers and tourists were rubbing its crotch.
"While I'm happy to do it I've been meaning to ask, why is everybody always touching its crotch?" Mondo asked.
"Dude! No one's told you the story of Duke Lopez?" Woodie asked, bewildered. "He's my hero! Legend has it that his father was a big game fisherman. One day, he accidentally hooked a mermaid, and they feel madly in love. Sure they had to put up with stares and whispers. But they didn't care. But after years of only oral sex, they grew apart. Even fertilizing the fish eggs lost its joy. But then a miracle happened, and that little guppy grew up to be Duke Lopez. Parts of a fish, legs of a man. Just as at home on sea as is on land. With his signature speedos, he won every surf contest up and down the coast. He was unbeatable. And some say, his magic European like with swim reefs were a gift from Poseidon himself. And then one day, it happened... the Dongabunga. A rogue wave that strikes the shore once every 15 years. A 100-feet of sheer destruction. While others fled, Duke paddled into the belly of the best. The man had huge balls."
"I can just imagine." Mondo said dreamily, as he stared at the statue's crotch. He could practically see Duke's balls through the aforementioned speedos.
Woodie continued, "Many had tried since, but Duke was the only one to ever surf the Dongabunga."
"Awesome! Where is he now?"
"He just disappeared. Some say he left in search of bigger waves and better women, but no one knows for sure. The city erected a statue in Duke's honor. Thus, giving birth to the patron saint of Playa Del Toro. Rub the nadders for good weathers."
"I got this one, Woodie." Mondo said, as he went over to touch the crotch on the statue.
"Uh, Mondo? The statue's over there." Woodie said, point at the statue.
"Then what's this?" Mondo asked, confused.
"This is Bruce." answered the "statue", who's actually a street performer. "And I didn't say stop."
"Okay." Mondo said happily, as he continues touching it.
Woodie has lost the Playa Del Toro Energy Drink Advertising Festival and Surfing Competition to Turk. He's hiding in one of the trash cans in shame, and they're filled with blonde afro wigs the spectators threw away.
"Don't worry about it, man. It's just a surf meat." Mondo said.
Woodie popped out of the trash can. "You don't get it, this is everything I've been working for my whole life. And I choked."
"You'll get em next time." Wadska said.
"There's not gonna be a next time!" Woodie yelled angrily as he climbed out of the trash can. He walked up the stairs to the boardwalk, and went to see the statue of Duke Lopez. "Sorry I let you down, Duke."
"It's okay, kid." said Bruce, who once again was mistaken for the statue. "Now rub me for good luck, it'll make us all feel better."
"I'LL DO IT!" Mondo said eagerly, pushing Woodie aside.
At Playa Del Toro High, Gene was walking pass the girl's bathroom, when he heard some girl threw up. Then Milan came out looking queasy.
"Milan, are you okay?" Gene asked with concern.
"My hurl sesh was really weird today. I'm actually nauseous before it happened."
"Are you feeling okay, otherwise?"
"I feel great! I jumped a whole cupsize." Milan said, while squeezing her breasts. "Didn't heve have to pay for it."
"Do you think you could be, uh, pregnant?" Gene asked.
"You're pregnant, slut!" Milan exclaimed. Gene just stared at her confused. "Oh, sorry, reflex."
"You should probably take a pregnancy test." Gene stated.
"Ohhh, I hate taking tests." Milan whined. "Can't we have an Asian kid take it for me?"
Gene rolled his eyes and sighs. "How did I get myself into this?" he thought.
Gene drove Milan to the store, where she inconspicuously bought a 16 and Pregnant Home Testing Kit (which comes with free Jersey Shore-brand valtrex). Then they went to his house to use his bathroom, since she didn't want her family to know that she might be pregnant. Gene thought it was a better idea doing it at his place, since he doesn't want to get on her dad's bad side thinking he knocked her up.
"Come on, just hold it while I pee!" Milan said, holding the test to Gene.
"No! You should be doing this yourself! I only offered you to use my bathroom! I'm not Turk!" Gene said. His last remark made them both laugh. He got out of the bathroom and closed the door when he heard Milan screamed, so he barged back in.
"This is the worst thing, I've ever seen!" Milan said horrified.
"Oh man, you are pregnant?!"
"No, I just saw your shoes! I mean, really? Flip-flops? They make you look gay."
"Seriously, why does everyone think guys wearing flip-flops mean they might be gay?" Gene asked annoyed. "Casa wears flip-flops too, yet he hassles me over it!"
"Maybe it's just you." Milan said bluntly, causing Gene to glare at her. "Sorry, sorry. Force of habit." Then she started screaming again.
"What now? Gonna complain about my haircut?" Gene snarked.
"No, but now that you mentioned it, it's so last year. And also, crap! It's says pregnant!" Milan said distraughtly. She threw away the test in anguish.
"Don't worry, I'll call a doctor."
"We're going to my doctor. He did my mom va-jay-jay re-tubed, and if I'm knocked up I wanna get an investment on future repairs."
"Okay, so didn't want to hear all that." Gene said disgustedly.
Suddenly, Milan is nauseous again. "Oh god, I'm gonna throw up."
"Is it morning sickness?" Gene asked with concern.
"No, your clothes. That shirt with those shorts? Also, I have gaydar, and I know you're bisexual. And you do look gay in those flip-flops." Milan said, before vomiting into the toilet. Gene crossed his arms annoyed.
Gene and Milan walked out of the gynecologist. It turns out Milan wasn't pregnant.
"Listen, I wanna thank you, Gene, for being there for me when I needed it the most." Milan said sincerely.
"Don't mention it, I was glad to help out any way I can." Gene replied.
"I totally won't forge it."
"Oh my god." Gene and Milan turn to see its her friends, the Kuntz twins. "Milan, what are you doing at the doctor?" BJ asked.
"Yeah, with him?" HJ gestured at Gene. " I thought you, like, broke up with him."
Gene was a little annoyed by that statement, since he was the one who broke with her.
"Sorry, I'm afraid everyone will think I'm a big loser if they learned you broke up with me." Milan whispered to Gene. Then she screamed to the twins, "I just found out Gene's got AIDs!" Gene gasped at that. Milan whispered to him, "Listen I'm sorry they're gonna tell everyone." Then screamed, "I came here to see if I caught it, but I didn't!" Whispered, "I wish I could stop." Screamed, "And he thinks you two are a bunch of chatty-katties!"
The twins gasped in shock at that remark. Aggravated, Gene rolls his eyes, crossed his arms and taps his foot while Milan keeps going.
At the surfing competition, everyone laughed at how badly he's wearing Duke's speedos which he stole from Woodie. "Looks like you're smuggling grapes, Turk!" Gene yelled.
Then Gene saw Turk run away, pushing people out of his way, when he noticed the Dongabunga is even larger than he thought. "Whatta wuss."
He and Mondo cheer for Woodie as he manage to surf the Dongabunga.
"You're the best, Woodie!" Mondo said.
"I couldn't have done it without my full-figure woman." Woodie said.
"That's me!" Mondo said to Gene.
"Gene..." Gene turned to find Turk still in those speedos, struggling to remove them. "My tummy hurts, and this suit is so tight it won't let my farts out."
"Don't be such a baby, dude." Gene deadpanned.
"I wouldn't want to have your baby since you've got AIDs." HJ Kuntz said to Gene. Then she and her twin laugh.
"Stand down, bitches!" Milan yelled at them. "I mean, let's go find someone else to make fun of. He's boring." Then whispers, "You're welcome."
Gene smiles at her kindess, sorta.
Later that night, Mondo and Woodie leave the beach.
"It's great to have everything back to normal." Woodie said.
"Dude, check it out. I gave the statue a little upgrade." Mondo said, as he shows Woodie that he put a blonde afro on top of the statue of Duke Lopez.
"I gotta admit, it looks pretty good, bro."
"Thanks." The boys turn to see that it's Bruce again.
"Damn it, Bruce! It was nice letting me touch your package, but now you're just screwing with me!" Mondo said angrily as he chase after him, with Woodie right behind him. "Give me back that wig!"
The next chapter will be the last one, as it was the final episode of the entire series.