1. Ask me tomorrow

Five year old Jenny Wolsey looked thoughtful one night as her mother tucked her in to bed. "Mummy," she finally asked. "Is Father Christmas going to come and give us presents?"

Susan was not ready for the question. No good could come from myths, as far as she was concerned. She and her husband Roger had agreed not to tell Jenny about Father Christmas. They weren't even going to bring the subject up. But now that Jenny had, what should she do?

"Who told you about Father Christmas?" she asked.

"Mandy."

Mandy was a neighbor's daughter. She was 13 years old. Jenny didn't know her well since she was away at boarding school most of the time, but she had just arrived home for the holidays. Susan was surprised that they had had a chance to talk at all, much less discussed about how Christmas worked. But they obviously had. Susan decided to probe deeper to find out how much of the myth she had absorbed.

"What did Mandy tell you?"

"She said that if I'm a good girl, then Father Christmas will come in his sledge and bring me a present."

"Don't count on it." said Susan. "Sledges only work in the snow. No one would be able to come in a sledge if it doesn't snow".

Jenny was not deterred. "But Mandy said that reindeer make the sledge fly in the sky."

"Have you ever seen reindeer that can fly?"

"No", Jenny admitted. "I haven't seen any reindeer at all. I don't even know what they are."

Susan smiled. "Well, it's too late to talk about that tonight, honey," She said. "Ask me tomorrow." But secretly, she was hoping Jenny would forget all about it.

2. The white stag

Jenny did not forget. Even before breakfast, she asked "Mummy, will you tell me about reindeer now?"

How do you describe reindeer to a five year old? The Wolsey household did not have a set of encyclopedias or any other books that would have an illustration of a reindeer. She thought about taking Jenny to the library later in the day. Then she had a better idea. "How would you like to go to the zoo?" she asked.

After making a few calls, Susan located a zoo within the area that confirmed they had an exhibit with live reindeer. So it was that that very afternoon, Susan and Jenny rode the bus to the Tilson Park Zoo. It was small institution – little more than a petting zoo with domestic livestock. That was ideal for Jenny. She enjoyed feeding the ducks, petting the goats, and seeing the other animals. When they went to see the reindeer, she was a little bit intimidated by their size, and hung back a little behind her mother.

"They're pretty big, aren't they" said Susan.

"Yes."

"And they look to be quite heavy. I bet it would be pretty hard to lift one of them into the air."

Jenny said nothing, so Susan continued. "Do they have wings like a chicken? They don't do they."

"No", Jenny admitted.

"Then I don't think they can fly. And if reindeer can't fly, do you think that what Mandy told you about Father Christmas is true?"

"No" said Jenny, but the tone of her voice was uncertain. It could have been a question rather than an answer, but Susan pretended it was the latter.

"That's very sensible", she said. "Father Christmas and flying reindeer aren't real, so we'll have no more talk about them now, will we?"

Susan felt a twinge of guilt. "You're a liar", her conscience told her. "That's not quite true, and you know it." Her mind went back to when she had met Father Christmas personally, and had received priceless gifts from him. But that was in another time and place. This was England, not Narnia. Besides, that, it had all been a dream, hadn't it? Of course it had. Yes, she was right to put a stop to all of this Father Christmas nonsense. She could see disappointment in Jenny's eyes, but the sooner she learned to live in reality, the better.

"Let's go see more of the animals," she said.

So Susan and Jenny continued their walk through the zoo, passing the few pens with deer and other wild game. The sign on one of the pens proclaimed "Albino Stag".

Susan didn't see the creature at first, as it was lurking in the shadows. After a moment, she spotted some white fur, and took Jenny to a spot where they had a better viewing angle. As they watched, the stag wandered into the open, and looked around. He was a magnificent specimen with a shaggy white coat and a large rack of antlers. He looked familiar to Susan somehow. Then his eyes met hers. He froze momentarily, and it seemed to Susan that she could read a spark of recognition in his eyes. But she must have imagined it, for when she looked again, she could see that he had no interest in her at all. He had turned his attention to the bale of hay that he had been given to feed on.

After a minute or two, Susan and Jenny moved on, but Susan couldn't help but wonder where the stag had come from. When she spotted one of the zookeepers, she asked about it.

"The white stag?" He replied. "Funny story 'bout that one. Came from the countryside almost 10 years ago. Blamed if I know how a beast like that could a' gotten there. That species ain't native to English soil. They found it in a fine old house; an' I don't mean at the house, I mean in it. It was wand'rin' the halls on the second floor, believe it or not. They called critter control, who took it away an' brung it to us, an' its been here ever since.

Susan didn't ask where the house was located. She had the feeling somehow that she already knew.

3. Is it Narnian?

Jenny obeyed her mother, and did not bring up the subject of Father Christmas again during the remaining days of Advent. At last, Christmas day itself arrived. Jenny received gifts from her Mummy and Daddy, not from Father Christmas.

About mid-morning, after the breakfast dishes had been done and the wrapping paper had been cleaned up, there was a knock on the door. It was Mandy. She had a wrapped package in her hand. "This is for Jenny," she said.

"Come in." Said Susan. "I'll call her over."

Jenny came running.

"This is from Father Christmas." said Mandy as she handed her the package.

"Oh. I knew he would come," said Jenny. She tore open the paper to reveal a nice hardback picture book.

When Mandy left a few minutes later, Susan followed her out the door. "That was very sweet," she said. "Who do we thank for the book? Was it from you, or your mother?"

"Neither of us," said Mandy. "We all wondered why a present with Jenny's name on it was left under our tree, but I noticed you didn't have any stockings up. Father Christmas doesn't visit your house, does he."

"No, he doesn't," said Susan.

"That's a shame," said Mandy, "Well, Merry Christmas just the same." She went back to her own house.

Susan stared after her. Did Mandy still believe in Father Christmas at her age? She must. Why else would her parents pretend they didn't know who the package was from? "Strange!", thought Susan. Then she remembered how old she was when she was still playing games about Narnia.

She walked back inside. Jenny was sitting on the couch, looking through her new book.

"Read it to me. Read it to me.", she pleaded.

"Alright," said Susan, settling into the couch beside her.

It was an ABC book featuring a different animal for each letter. She turned to the first page and began to read.

"A is for Aardvark". This page had a beautiful watercolor image of an anteater.

She read the facing page. "An aardvark eats ants. Wouldn't it be funny if aunts ate ants?"

This was accompanied by an illustration of two old ladies at tea. One of them had just dipped a spoon into a jar of ants, and was spreading them on her toast. "Cute," thought Susan.

She was enjoying the book as much as Jenny was, until she came to the letter L.

"L is for Lion. The lion is king of all the beasts. This lion is not tame, but don't worry. He is very good."

Susan stopped short. Where had she heard that before? It sounded very familiar. The illustration was of a lion playing with a group of children. One little girl was riding on his back. That also brought back memories.

For Jenny's sake, she regained her composure and continued to read. She had another surprise when she got to the letter S.

"S is for Stag", she read. "Stags are noble beasts. This one is white, which is very rare. He is hard to catch."

Her voice trailed off at that point. She read the rest of the page silently just to herself. "If you you ever do catch him, ask him for a present. Then watch for a parcel in the post." The illustration looked very familiar. It featured a faun holding an umbrella carrying parcels in a snowy wood. It looked like a Narnian faun. Could it be? Did it mean her childhood fantasies were true?

After a moment, Susan forced herself to turn the page and read on. To her relief, there were no more surprises.

She was still a bit shaken after completing the book, but she didn't have much time to think about it. It was time to get lunch on the table.

When she did think about what she had read later on that afternoon, her rational mind took over. The book had not really mentioned Aslan, or fauns of Narnia, or the white stag she had once chased. It must be where all of those thoughts had originated from. She couldn't remember the book, but her family must have had a copy of it, or at least they had seen it somewhere. Peter or Edmund or Lucy or all of them, had thought of the book when made up their friends Aslan, Mr. Tumnus, and even the white stag. It had all come from that silly little ABC book. She felt like a dope for ever thinking they might be real.

But when she went to bed that night, she couldn't sleep. Doubts swam through her head. Was it really a coincidence that she was reading about the white stag again, just days after she had seen one? Could it be that the stag really was Narnian? If she and her brothers and sisters had gone through the wardrobe once, why couldn't a stag go through as well? And if that were so, could it still grant wishes? She had never really believed all that stuff about it granting wishes. It was just a legend even in Narnia. But why not give it a try? On the other had, she would look awfully silly approaching the stag's pen and asking it for a wish. What would others think? No, she couldn't do that. Not unless she knew for certain that what the zookeeper had said was true. An idea formed in her mind. If the zookeeper's story was true, there ought to be a record of it in the newspaper. She would check. Yes, that's what she would do. She would look for the story in the newspaper archives, and if she found it, she would go farther. She would approach the stag and ask it for a wish. But only if she found that story. Satisfied with this plan, she finally drifted off to sleep.

4. What do you want with our wardrobe?

The next day was Boxing day. Susan could do nothing then, because the libraries were all closed. After that was the weekend. It passed slowly and uneventfully.

But Monday was an ordinary workday for office workers like her husband. Susan had said nothing of her plans to Roger. She just kissed him goodbye as he left for work, like usual. Then she announced, "Jenny, we're going to the library."

Jenny loved the library. There were lots of children's books with lovely pictures for her to look at. Susan helped her choose a nice selection, then sat her down at a table near the newspapers. She, happily began looking through her books.

Susan checked the newspaper archives. The library carried the local paper from a city 20 miles away from the old country estate which had once belonged to professor Kirke. That was her best chance. She collected the papers starting 6 weeks prior to the time when the "Friends of Narnia" had met at the professor's cottage. News of a white stag might have been what had brought them together for that last fateful meeting. She wished she could remember what Lucy had told her about why they wanted to meet, but all she remembered is that she had blown her off – again. It still filled her with regret.

She sat beside her daughter and started scanning the headlines. She looked through paper after paper, but always with the same result. Nothing. She couldn't help but be discouraged as she looked through the last paper. But then something did catch her eye. It was a familiar address, not in an article, but on an advertisement. "Now Open," it read. "Enjoy peace and comfort at Pleasant Hill Resort", and there was no mistake that the accompanying address was where she had once lived when she and her siblings were staying with the professor. Then Susan remembered. Peter had told her a year or two before his death that the old country house was being torn down to make room for a new resort. He was bummed about the whole thing, though she couldn't have cared less at the time.

Now Susan was bummed. "I've been on a wild goose chase", she thought. She picked up the newspapers and returned them to the stacks. She was about ready to tell Jenny they needed to be on her way, but then she walked right past the Times. "Well, it's worth a try," she thought.

So she scanned the new set of papers until she came to the one which declared "Train Crash Kills 28" on the front cover. It hit her pretty hard. She fought back tears as she quickly turned to the inside pages. And there it was, in the middle of page three. A headline read "White Stag found in Manor House".

It was a short article, but it confirmed everything that the zookeeper had said. It also told her that the house was Eddington Manor. Susan wrote that name down on a slip of paper. Then she looked it up in a phone directory, and wrote down the number.

Later that afternoon when they were back at home, Susan called the number she had written down. She got through.

"Hallo." said the voice on the line.

"Hello miss." said Susan. And then she felt silly, because what she was about to say was so odd. But there was no way around it. She had to ask.

"I was wondering if you have a wardrobe in the house on the second floor?"

"Well, yes.", was the reply. "There are several ma'am."

"Oh." said Susan. "Well, have you had them all for a long time. Or is one, perhaps, newer than the others?"

"I don't know ma'am." Was the reply. I've only been workin' here two years. You'd be wantin' to speak to the caretaker Mr. Wickoff, you would. Hold on. I'll call him."

In a minute, a gruff voice said. "Hullo."

"Hello" said Susan. "I was wondering sir. Did you obtain one of your wardrobes ten or 15 years ago? Perhaps from the Kirke estate?"

"That's right." Came the reply. "Now see here. What do you want with our wardrobe? We won it at the sale good and proper, we did. And had a heck of a time gettin' it up the stairs, miss, so we won't be lettin' it go cheap."

"Sorry I bothered you then," said Susan. She hung up.

For the next hour or so, Susan was lost in thought. Of course, this still didn't mean the stag came from Narnia. It could be that it had been imported into England by someone who loved exotic animals. It may have gotten loose, and wandered the countryside for days, months, or even years before entering Eddington House through a door that had accidentally been left open and unattended. It could have managed to climb the stairs and reach the second floor somehow. And it could be just a coincidence that the wardrobe she and her siblings had played with as children had ended up in the same house.

But the logical part of her mind told her that for all of these things to be true would be next to impossible. She may as well just believe in Narnia.

She let her thoughts linger on Narnia again for the first time in years. The truth is, she missed it. She longed to be able to believe in it once again. She wanted to think that there was meaning in all of the friendships she had made there. She especially wanted to know that she was still known and loved by a real Aslan who embodied everything that was good. On the other hand, if Narnia was real, she would have to admit that she had been wrong. It would put her in the wrong not only for her own unbelief, but also for telling her bothers and sister that it was all a game of make-believe. They had all died because of their belief in Narnia. What if she had escaped death not because she was right, but because she was wrong? That thought was almost to difficult to bear.

"Well, I'll put it to the test", she determined. "I'll ask the stag for a wish. If it's granted, then I'll know it's all true. I'll believe. I'll ask Aslan to forgive me, and try not to disappoint him again. But if my wish isn't granted, well, then I'll know that I was right to give up that silly dream."

5. Two wishes

Having determined that she would approach the white stag, Susan's mind began working on a new question. What should she wish for? She didn't want to waste the opportunity on something frivolous. She could ask for something valuable like a million pounds, but that didn't seem right. She shouldn't ask for something vain; it ought to be something noble. She could always ask for an end to poverty, disease, or war, but that would not be something that she could receive as a parcel in the post. If the book was supposed to be a sign, she ought to follow it's instructions to the letter. What did she really want? She wanted proof – proof that Narnia was real. If she could know that, she would also know there was meaning to life, and that her brothers and sister had not died in vain.

Then she knew what to ask for. She would ask for something from Narnia. Anything. It didn't matter what it was so long as it was something that did not come from this world, but had to have come from Narnia. What about the horn Father Christmas had given to her in Narnia? Yes, she would recognize it anywhere. If she received that horn in the post, she could never doubt again.

On the next day, Susan took Jenny back to the Tilson Park Zoo as soon as Roger had left for work. She was hoping that the crowd would be thinner in the morning, and she was correct. There weren't nearly as many people touring the zoo grounds.

They went directly to the stag's pen. It ignored them.

They hung around until there was a lull in the traffic and they were the only ones standing by the pen. "Let's play a game." Susan said to Jenny. "Let's pretend that the white stag will give us whatever we wish for."

Then she addressed the stag. "Mr. Stag, you've been caught, and you know you must grant me my wish. I want you to send me my horn. You know the one. The one I had with me when King Peter, King Edmund, Queen Lucy, and I spotted you by Lantern Waste in Narnia."

She watched the stag closely as she talked, but it never did acknowledge her presence in any way.

There were other visitors within earshot now. "I'm making a fool of myself", she thought. But she went on.

"I'll be expecting it." she said to the stag with all of the bravado that she could muster.

Susan sighed deeply. Her task was finished. Now all she could do was wait. Then she remembered Jenny. "Do you want to make a wish too?" she asked.

Jenny seemed a bit taken back by her mother's speech. It wasn't like her at all. She didn't answer audibly, but she did nod her head.

"OK, said Susan. Go ahead and make a wish."

Jenny closed her eyes. It was a few seconds before she opened them.

"Go ahead and say it." said Susan. But Jenny had grown shy.

"It's a secret." she whispered.

6. What do you believe in?

Susan couldn't help it. She felt like a child who had sent in all of the box tops and was waiting for a secret decoder ring to arrive. She waited expectantly for the mailman each day, only to be disappointed. Nothing came.

Days turned into weeks. Gradually, she stopped hoping. It hadn't worked, that's all.

Winter began to let up, and the new green shoots of spring began to appear. It was alright. It had been one more disappointment, but she was over it. She wouldn't let it keep her down. She would go on.

Roger surprised her one day with a question. "My co-worker Tom invited me to go to church with him and his wife Liz on Easter Sunday. Would you like to go?"

"Are you actually thinking of going?" Susan asked. Neither of them had been in church since the day they were married. "I thought you didn't believe in all of that nonsense."

"I don't." said Roger. "At least I don't think I do. But I've been reading this book that Tom gave me. It's called Mere Christianity by some professor at Cambridge. I have to admit, it has started to make me think."

"Think what?"

"Think that I may have been a little to quick to dismiss everything that religious people have to say. Some of it may make sense."

"Like what?"

"Like the existence of right and wrong. We all know the difference. We know that we ought to do right instead of wrong. But if the world has no meaning, why is what's right any better than what's wrong?"

"I don't know." said Susan. "But we live in an age of science. We know that life just evolved. We came from monkeys, for Pete's sake. There's just no reason that there needs to be a God. Why believe in some imaginary little genie that we can't see, when there are perfectly logical scientific reasons for everything?

"Well, maybe." said Roger. "But it sounds like you have just as much faith as all of the religious nuts. They believe in God. You believe in science."

There was a long pause as neither of them could think of anything appropriate to say next.

Finally, Roger said. "Anyways, I told Tom I would get back with him about whether or not we would go. What should I tell him?"

Susan thought about it. It would be hard to keep Jenny quiet through a church service. Beside that, she didn't really want to hear the myth about Jesus being raised again. She didn't want to go. But Roger obviously did. He wouldn't have even brought the subject up if he didn't want to. She should support her husband.

"Tell him we'll see him there." she said.

7. Did you know that God loves us?

Susan thought she knew what church would be like. She had gone every Christmas and Easter with Mum, Dad, Peter, Edmond, and Lucy. But Tom's church was a bit different. It was smaller, and more intimate. Most of the hymns were familiar, but they were sung (to varying degrees of success) by the congregation. There was no choir, and no pipe organ – just a slightly out-of-tune piano.

The family sitting behind them had three children about Jenny's age and younger. Their mother had wisely brought coloring books and crayons. She offered to share with Jenny, and that kept her quietly occupied throughout the service.

The sermon was about the resurrection, naturally. Susan was moved by the narrative read from Mathew chapters 27 and 28. She couldn't help but see parallels between Aslan and Jesus. She even saw that her own part in Aslan's story was similar in some ways to Mary Magdalene, who went to the tomb to mourn and care for the body of her Lord. But of course, she had noticed these things long ago and had already concluded that she and her siblings had just subconsciously translated their Christian upbringing into the stories that they had made up.

After the service, many of the people took time to say hello and thank them for coming. Among them was an older couple known as the Robinson's. Tom joined them as they were chatting. "The Robinson's host a bible study in their home," he interjected. "It's a great place to learn about Christianity and ask questions. It's been a real help to Liz and I."

"You would be more than welcome to join us." said Mr. Robinson. "We meet on Monday nights at seven."

Susan was not ready to go to a home bible study, but Roger went the very next night. When he got home, she asked him "What did you talk about?"

"We read First John chapter 3," he said. "Did you know that it says that God loves us?"

"Oh, I know that they say God loves the world, but he sure has a funny way of showing it. If God loves us, why does he let so many bad things happen to us?"

"Somebody asked a question along those lines," said Roger. "No one really had a good answer. Even Mr. Robinson said that he didn't know why there is so much pain and suffering in the world, but he said it helped him to know that God didn't exempt Himself from all the trouble. He went through suffering too when Jesus died."

Susan didn't know what to say to that. Finally, Roger continued. "Tom said he had a book about it. He is going to give it to me tomorrow."

And sure enough, Roger came home the next day with a title called The Problem of Pain by C. S. Lewis, the same professor who had written Mere Christianity.

8. Surrender

Roger continued to attend the Monday night bible study. His knowledge of the Bible and of the Christian faith grew by leaps and bounds. So did his library. Tom kept giving him books:

Orthodoxy by G. K. Chesterton, Who Moved the Stone? by Frank Morison, Miracles by C. S. Lewis, The Divine Inspiration of the Bible by A. W. Pink, and What the Bible Teaches by R. A. Torrey.

Susan never made it to the bible study, but she was an avid reader. While Roger read bits and pieces from the books, Susan read most of them from cover to cover. She found the books by Lewis to be particularly persuasive. "Sometime, I'm going to have to go to the bookstore and see if he has any new titles that look interesting," she thought to herself.

After a few months, Roger told her "I've finally made up my mind. I think that Christianity is actually more rational than atheism, and I'm going to believe it. I'm going all in."

"I'm happy for you," Susan said. "Sometimes I wish that I could believe too, but I just can't. I've had too many disappointments in life."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, first there was Father Christmas. I still remember how upset I was my my brother Peter told me he wasn't real. That was when I was eight."

Roger interrupted. "I remember when I found out about that too. But you can't let a story that everyone over the age of ten knows is just a fantasy influence whether you believe in God."

"But it's not just something I believed until I was eight.", Susan explained. "I believed in him again in my teens. I believed in a whole other world, with Father Christmas, and elves, and nymphs, and talking animals, and all sorts of other nonsense. It was just a game that I played with my brothers and sister, but it seemed real at the time. It seemed more real than England. It was so real to my brothers and sister and cousin that they believed in it until the day that they all died. I think they even convinced Professor Kirke and "Aunt" Poly that it was real, although they may have just been playing along. Anyway, that's what I think that Christianity is. It's a bunch of wishful thinking. When Jesus was crucified, those who believed in him couldn't face reality. In their grief, they imagined that he had risen again. It didn't really happen, but it was real to them. They were so convinced of it themselves that they were able to convince others too, and that's still happening today."

Roger was thoughtful. "I can see why you may be hesitant to believe after everything that has happened to you," he said, "But there is evidence for Christianity. There is fulfilled prophecy. There was an empty tomb."

"I thought there was evidence for my world of Narnia too," said Susan. I had half convinced myself that it was real again at the end of last year." She told him how she had seen the white stag, verified the strange story, and asked for a wish, only to be disappointed.

Roger's reaction was not what she had expected. "That's incredible!" he said.

"I know. It's incredible that I could almost believe in Narnia again."

"No. I mean it's incredible that your story checked out. It's strange enough that they found a white stag on the second floor of a manor house, but if the magic wardrobe from your childhood was also in that house, that can't just be coincidence. There has to be something strange about that wardrobe, and I'm starting to think that at least parts of your story must be true."

"Are you serious?"

"Absolutely!"

"But if that stag really was from Narnia, why didn't my wish come true?"

"Why should it have? Look, you wanted proof of the existence of Narnia, didn't you? Well, I think you got it. The stag being here is proof in and of itself. And do you know what? If you had gotten your horn in the post, I don't think that would have convinced you any more. You would have just concluded that you had seen a horn like that before you went to Narnia and that you had imagined that Father Christmas gave it to you there."

Susan hadn't thought of that before, but the more she thought about it the more she had to conclude that Roger was right. The horn wouldn't have been enough to convince her. In her frame of mind, maybe nothing would.

That night, Susan could not sleep. She tossed and turned in her bed, convicted of her stubbornness and unbelief. At last her spirit cried out "O Aslan – or rather Lord Jesus, for I know that is your name in this world – please forgive me. Help me to trust in you. I believe, help my unbelief."

9. Change

Things began to change in the Wolsey household from that day going forward. They began to go to church together as a family almost every Sunday. They also started reading the bible and praying together. Susan and Roger had always loved each other, but their love grew deeper, stronger, more affectionate. They were more patient with Jenny too.

Fall came. On one gorgeous Saturday afternoon, Roger said "Let's go to the zoo." He wanted to see the white stag for himself. Susan led the way, straight to the familiar pen. But the stag wasn't there. A few ordinary fallow deer now occupied the pen instead.

Looking around the grounds, Susan happened to spot the zookeeper she had talked to earlier. "Excuse me," she said. "Can you tell us what happened to the white stag that used to be here."

"I don't rightly know ma'am," he replied. "'E flew the coop a few months back. Don't know how 'e got out o' the pen, but 'e managed somehow. 'E was pretty old though. I doubt 'e got far. My guess is that 'e just crawled away some place an' died."

"Oh!" said Susan. "That's too bad. He was a magnificent creature." She thanked him for the information, and they went on their way.

"I'm sure he was old," said Susan, "But I don't know if I believe that part about him dying. According to the legends in Narnia, the white stag was supposed to be immortal. At least he was supposed to live as long as Narnia itself lasted."

"But the stag wasn't in Narnia anymore." said Roger.

"True enough," said Susan. She really had no idea what would happen if you took the creature out of Narnian time.

Then Susan remembered that the last time they saw the stag, Jenny had made had a wish.

"Do you remember asking the white stag for a wish?" she asked.

"Uh-huh." said Jenny.

"What did you wish for?" asked Susan.

"A baby brother."

Susan exchanged glances with Roger and squeezed his hand. "Well, you may still get your wish," she said.

She had been growing a bit rounder lately.