div class="chapter preface group" style="border-width: 1px 0px 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.5em 3em; padding: 0.643em 0.643em 0px; float: none; color: #2a2a2a; border-style: solid initial initial initial;"
div id="notes" class="notes module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.643em; position: relative; width: auto; float: none; clear: right; min-height: 5em;"
blockquote class="userstuff" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 1em; line-height: normal; font-family: 'lucida grande', 'lucida sans unicode', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0.643em; padding: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word;"
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px auto 1.286em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emA/N: So... I started this story years ago, as a way to resolve some trauma I had endured with an ex. A.. a way to sort through some emotions. I have always intended to finish this story, and I can't promise I will, because my life is just a constant state of chaos and exhaustion. But it's collected dust./em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emNow this is a way for me to feel my way through another thing in my life, a thing I'm even less comfortable with than the whole ex business. So it finally sparked some ideas, hopefully I can get a few chapters out, but like I said. My life is crazy./em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto 0px; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emAlso I'm sorry if this chapter seems a bit more out of place. Ironically leaving this shortly after Virmire was an accidental blessing cause it ties in with my life events at the moment, sort of. It was handy =x so I apologize if it just seems out of place, a bit of a reset for what's to come. Hopefully. x.o/em/p
/blockquote
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div class="userstuff module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; width: 1088.62px; float: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; color: #2a2a2a;" role="article"
h3 id="work" class="landmark heading" style="border-width: 0px 0px 0.25em; border-image: initial; outline: 0px; font-weight: 500; font-style: inherit; font-size: 0px; font-family: Georgia, serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0.125em; overflow-wrap: break-word; line-height: 0; opacity: 0; height: 0px; clear: both; color: transparent; border-color: initial initial #333333 initial; border-style: initial initial double initial;"Chapter Text/h3
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It had been a weird couple of weeks. Everything on Saren's end had gone silent. No word, nothing. In the mean time they had been taking care of pockets of geth in the Armstrong Nebula. It had been a long grueling process. The geth had dug in deep throughout the nebula./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Currently, the ship was quiet, night shift had taken over a while ago, Liara had been catching up on some much needed rest. Nicole had been just as exhausted and sleep deprived. If she wasn't having nightmares about the visions, she was having nightmares about Virmire. Kaidan's death was still fresh on her mind./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard had been nursing a cup of tea (If you could call it that) while going over the mission brief to the, with any luck, last pocket of geth resistance in the cluster. That is until her mind began to wander to all of these different things. She had, in all honesty, been feeling sorry for herself for days now. The more she thought about the scale of what they faced the more she wondered if she could handle it. She felt overwhelmed to say the least./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And to a degree she still blamed herself for Kaidan's death. Not that she'd openly admit it. But she felt responsible, he wouldn't have even been on Virmire if not for her./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And what would happen after Saren was dealt with, anyway? What about the Reapers? They were still out there, and Shepard gave up on trying to deny their existence after Virmire. It was pretty clear the threat was real. Real and just around the corner. She had just hoped that perhaps it was some ancient prank by some ancient civilization's teenagers. But she also knew that this couldn't be for nothing. Saren would not have brazenly attacked Eden Prime otherwise./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She let out a frustrated sigh as she looked at the data pad, unable to really focus on whatever was on the screen. She had initially came out here to distract herself, perhaps get some work done. And she didn't want to disturb Liara. The young prothean expert had been sleeping only just a little better lately. Perhaps just finally adapting to the nightmares? Not that the concept settled well Nicole. Still, Nicole didn't want to be the reason why Liara wasn't sleeping properly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Her mind wandered back to the asari. Shepard knew with how colossal of an undertaking this was she feared losing others. She feared losing Liara most of all. And as she began to dwell on the what ifs of that subject, she was startled out of her thoughts, "Can't sleep either?" came a deep gruff voice./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard looked up from the data pad to see Garrus rounding the corner from the elevator. Nicole gave the turian a tired look as she half tossed the pad down onto the table. He could see it for what it was, Shepard had been looking defeated since Virmire. She was frustrated, and the stress weighed on her shoulders. "I was never military, never wanted to be. Too much work." Shepard joked dryly, pointing at the data pad. Garrus sat down across from her at the table. "This is all probably old hat to you, Garrus." Shepard observed, not even sure what to say. He didn't talk a lot about his days in the turian military, but Shepard knew military service was required on Palevan./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He nodded his head, his mandibles twitching slightly. "Ya, can't say that I missed it." He tried to joke, gesturing around them. Shepard gave him a tired chuckled as he continued, "All the being told when to eat and sleep, who to shoot, what to do, how to do it." He continued. He leaned forward, leaning onto his forearms. She looked like she had been anywhere but on the Normandy. She hadn't been quite the same in the last couple weeks. "At least on your ship I got to sleep in every now and then." He then joked as she snorted./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"But when Garrus failed to continue filling in the silence Shepard sighed some. "I've had a lot of time to think, since we've been clearing out the geth." She started, her voice low, her eyes focused on the data pad as it went into sleep mode. "When this whole thing started on Eden Prime, I don't think I was entirely thinking clearly, how dangerous this is. And then I dragged all of you along for the ride." She ran her hand over tired eyes before letting out a heavy shaken sigh. "All because I got scared, I don't do well with the idea of the people I care about being in danger." Shepard continued. She then looked towards the med bay. She looked like she wanted to add more but then slumped some./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Garrus didn't have to guess about who Shepard had meant. The human and asari had practically been joined at the hip since they decided to pursue a relationship. Everyone could see it clear as day between them./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""And then Kaidan.." she couldn't even finish that sentence as she let out another frustrated sigh. She was never good with opening up to people. She had been feeling a bit vulnerable, looking like a mess in front of her friends and crew. She wasn't used to being in such a state around others. She didn't want to appear like she couldn't handle herself, but this was definitely more than she had bargained for./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Garrus's brow furrowed some. "Shepard, listen. It's never easy, losing the people we care about. But you've seen it yourself, Saren doesn't care who we lose. He'll keep going, keep killing." Garrus stopped as Shepard's green eyes finally looked in his direction. "But you've got this." He said, and she could tell he was being sincere. Garrus and Shepard had a great deal of mutual respect for each other. She knew Garrus would never lie to her about this sort of thing./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And yet she still doubted herself. "How do you know, though? I don't even know what I'm doing." She let out, exasperated. He held up his hand, preventing her from going on any sort of tirade. He would save her the time. She just needed someone to pick her up and dust her off./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""We're here because who else is going to be crazy enough to take on a job like this?" Shepard actually laughed at that. Properly laughed. She felt like she hadn't had a real laugh since Kaidan died, and leave it to Garrus to say exactly what she needed to hear. "And let's be honest, Shepard, you're just crazy enough to get the job done. There's no one else I'd rather lead the charge." He added for good measure./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She looked at him, and he could see it in her eyes, she just needed to hear the right thing from the right person. "You might not be military, but you are a warrior and you help people when no one else will. Hell, you wouldn't have a krogan following you around if you weren't capable of handling this." He then stood as he rounded the table, giving her a firm pat on the shoulder. "And let's be honest, Shepard, Wrex would be lost without you." Garrus smirked./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard couldn't help the small smile and laugh as she ran her hand through her red hair. "Thanks, Garrus." she said as she looked up, watching him make his way to the food cabinets, digging out a couple of dextro based meal packets. Probably for him and Tali, those two were always bad about taking a break from working./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Anytime, Shepard. Besides, I'd imagine T'soni wouldn't be too happy if you just sat around and did nothing. I'd imagine you'd be out in the, as you humans say, dog house." Garrus then said as he began heading back for the elevator. But just before he vanished, he stopped in his tracks. Shepard watched him curiously as he seemed to ponder something. "You know, I don't even know what a dog house is." He then said before shrugging and disappearing from view./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard rolled her eyes and snorted her amusement, and the smile on her face felt more genuine than it had for a couple weeks. Still, it hadn't entirely put her worries to rest. She had felt a bit of a confidence boost after Garrus' words, but she still felt like there was something missing. She sighed and scooped up the data pad and mug, chugging the rest of it's contents. She left the mug at the sink before deciding to attempt more sleep./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As short of a conversation as it were with Garrus, it had left her feeling worn out. Like she finally dropped at least part of the heavy load from her shoulders. So she headed back into the med bay, heading for the storage room. She pressed the pressure pad, hearing the door swish open. As hoped, Liara still slept peacefully in bed. Shepard tried not to walk too hard across the metal floor with her bare feet./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard sat the data pad down on the desk before turning to walk back towards the bed. She stopped as she took the asari in. It was rare when Shepard saw Liara sleeping so peacefully. They both suffered nightly when it came to nightmares, between the two of them. But they had both become used to it to some degree. She couldn't help the small smile, despite./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She then walked over to the bed and tried to crawl into it as carefully as she could next to the asari. However, when she was trying to adjust herself, Liara's eyes fluttered open drowsily, as she let out a yawn. She rolled over seeing Nicole who gave her an apologetically sheepish smile. Even though she still had sleep in her eyes she could tell Nicole had been up for a moment. "The visions?" Liara asked, her voice a bit raspy from sleep as she rubbed at her eyes./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As Shepard finally settled onto her back, Liara scooted in closer, until she draped her arm across Shepard's stomach, resting her head on the human's shoulder. Nicole couldn't help but melt slightly at just the mere presence of the asari. She planted a kiss atop the asari's head as she wrapped her arm around the prothean expert. The human let her fingers run across Liara's crest as the asari hummed and snuggled up closer to her mercenary./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara sighed contentedly as they laid there in silence for a moment. Shepard then sighed some, still a bit raw from the brief conversation with Garrus. She still felt doubt creeping it's way back into her heart and mind. "Virmire." Nicole said quietly. Liara looked up at the human, her own hand running soothing trails up and down the mercenary's side. "It's just hard, I haven't lost anyone in a while. And Im wondering if I bit off more than any of us can chew." Nicole confessed, quietly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara shifted, kissing Nicole's cheek gently, before propping herself up, running her fingers through red hair. She hovered over the human, feeling Shepard press her hand on the middle of her back. They both looked at each other in silence. Liara had to admit, she had enjoyed how it felt, strands of hair running between her fingers. It seemed so exotic. But her intentions here were to soothe Shepard. "I know it is hard, Nicole. I know you and the others miss him, I see it on all of your faces. Even I have been marked by the events on Virmire." Liara began./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard could only look up at Liara's face, their eyes taking each other in. Liara's voice was quiet and soothing. "Grieve for him, it is your right to do so. He was your friend, and a member of your crew. I cannot imagine how you must feel. This all must be overwhelming." Liara then cupped Nicole's cheek, rubbing the warm skin there with the pad of her thumb. "I am here for you, Nicole. I am with you every step of the way, and everyone here believes in you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard's fingers gripped loosely at the shirt the asari wore, turning her head into Liara's touch as she felt tears stinging at her eyes. Maybe it was silly, but no one had told her it was ok to grieve, and it suddenly became very hard to hold it all in. She hadn't even realized that was what she had been doing. She had only really given herself the one night, when Liara had found her a drunken mess in the mako./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And here she was again, offering Nicole the chance to grieve. There was no judgment. If anything there had been concern in Liara's words. Shepard had never been good at letting her defenses down around others, but Liara still managed to slip past them. "What if I don't know how?" Shepard's question came a a whisper. Her words were thick with emotions, emotions Shepard had kept bottled up. If it weren't for the fact that they were in a silent room, Shepard would've wondered if Liara even heard her./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"But it felt like it was all collapsing in on itself. The doubt the human felt after Kaidan's death, the uncertainty of the galaxy's future, and what her part in all of it meant. And only this small group of people on an Alliance frigate flying around knew anything about it. Liara carefully lifted Shepard's head to look at her again, carefully wiping away an errant tear that had slipped past Nicole's defenses./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Blue eyes locked onto green ones, and she smiled. It was a smile Shepard had never seen before. She felt the air in her throat get a little caught at that smile. "It is ok if you are unsure how." Liara leaned over Shepard, resting their foreheads together. "It matters only that you know you are allowed to grieve, Nicole." Shepard's heart could've stopped on the spot with how quickly so many emotions suddenly surged forward. Her fingers clutched at the back of the prothean expert's t-shirt almost tightly now./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It was like Liara knew exactly what Shepard needed. To be able to just feel something. It wasn't like anyone told her she wasn't allowed to, but Shepard never felt quite right showing any sense of vulnerability around the others. She was always pushing her own needs to the side for the sake of others. And here Liara was, no judgment, just assurances that Shepard was allowed to feel these things./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"So, Nicole reached up with her free hand, placing it behind Liara's neck and pulling her in for a chaste kiss. She then pulled asari down and burying her face into the crook of Liara's neck. A shaky breath was heard as arms snaked around Liara's shoulders. It didn't take long before Nicole finally let herself be vulnerable enough to just cry. The human's boddy shook and shuddered as she just let herself grieve, clinging to the asari in the process. The one person in all the galaxy who Shepard allowed to see her like this./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara had eventually rolled them back over, the mercenary curled up against the young archaeologist's side, head resting on the prothean expert's shoulder. Liara had resumed combing her fingers through the human's hair in a soothing manner. Shepard's arm held Liara firmly around the middle. And Liara just held onto her, placing the occasional kiss on her forehead or temple./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;" /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"In all honesty it hadn't taken long before Shepard had tired herself out and was now sleeping, one hand clutching at Liara's t-shirt./p
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div id="notes" class="notes module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0.643em; position: relative; width: auto; float: none; clear: right; min-height: 5em;"
blockquote class="userstuff" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-feature-settings: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-stretch: normal; font-size: 1em; line-height: normal; font-family: 'lucida grande', 'lucida sans unicode', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0.643em; padding: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word;"
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px auto 1.286em; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emA/N: So... I started this story years ago, as a way to resolve some trauma I had endured with an ex. A.. a way to sort through some emotions. I have always intended to finish this story, and I can't promise I will, because my life is just a constant state of chaos and exhaustion. But it's collected dust./em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emNow this is a way for me to feel my way through another thing in my life, a thing I'm even less comfortable with than the whole ex business. So it finally sparked some ideas, hopefully I can get a few chapters out, but like I said. My life is crazy./em/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto 0px; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"emAlso I'm sorry if this chapter seems a bit more out of place. Ironically leaving this shortly after Virmire was an accidental blessing cause it ties in with my life events at the moment, sort of. It was handy =x so I apologize if it just seems out of place, a bit of a reset for what's to come. Hopefully. x.o/em/p
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div class="userstuff module" style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; width: 1088.62px; float: none; overflow-wrap: break-word; color: #2a2a2a;" role="article"
h3 id="work" class="landmark heading" style="border-width: 0px 0px 0.25em; border-image: initial; outline: 0px; font-weight: 500; font-style: inherit; font-size: 0px; font-family: Georgia, serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0.125em; overflow-wrap: break-word; line-height: 0; opacity: 0; height: 0px; clear: both; color: transparent; border-color: initial initial #333333 initial; border-style: initial initial double initial;"Chapter Text/h3
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It had been a weird couple of weeks. Everything on Saren's end had gone silent. No word, nothing. In the mean time they had been taking care of pockets of geth in the Armstrong Nebula. It had been a long grueling process. The geth had dug in deep throughout the nebula./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Currently, the ship was quiet, night shift had taken over a while ago, Liara had been catching up on some much needed rest. Nicole had been just as exhausted and sleep deprived. If she wasn't having nightmares about the visions, she was having nightmares about Virmire. Kaidan's death was still fresh on her mind./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard had been nursing a cup of tea (If you could call it that) while going over the mission brief to the, with any luck, last pocket of geth resistance in the cluster. That is until her mind began to wander to all of these different things. She had, in all honesty, been feeling sorry for herself for days now. The more she thought about the scale of what they faced the more she wondered if she could handle it. She felt overwhelmed to say the least./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And to a degree she still blamed herself for Kaidan's death. Not that she'd openly admit it. But she felt responsible, he wouldn't have even been on Virmire if not for her./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And what would happen after Saren was dealt with, anyway? What about the Reapers? They were still out there, and Shepard gave up on trying to deny their existence after Virmire. It was pretty clear the threat was real. Real and just around the corner. She had just hoped that perhaps it was some ancient prank by some ancient civilization's teenagers. But she also knew that this couldn't be for nothing. Saren would not have brazenly attacked Eden Prime otherwise./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She let out a frustrated sigh as she looked at the data pad, unable to really focus on whatever was on the screen. She had initially came out here to distract herself, perhaps get some work done. And she didn't want to disturb Liara. The young prothean expert had been sleeping only just a little better lately. Perhaps just finally adapting to the nightmares? Not that the concept settled well Nicole. Still, Nicole didn't want to be the reason why Liara wasn't sleeping properly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Her mind wandered back to the asari. Shepard knew with how colossal of an undertaking this was she feared losing others. She feared losing Liara most of all. And as she began to dwell on the what ifs of that subject, she was startled out of her thoughts, "Can't sleep either?" came a deep gruff voice./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard looked up from the data pad to see Garrus rounding the corner from the elevator. Nicole gave the turian a tired look as she half tossed the pad down onto the table. He could see it for what it was, Shepard had been looking defeated since Virmire. She was frustrated, and the stress weighed on her shoulders. "I was never military, never wanted to be. Too much work." Shepard joked dryly, pointing at the data pad. Garrus sat down across from her at the table. "This is all probably old hat to you, Garrus." Shepard observed, not even sure what to say. He didn't talk a lot about his days in the turian military, but Shepard knew military service was required on Palevan./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"He nodded his head, his mandibles twitching slightly. "Ya, can't say that I missed it." He tried to joke, gesturing around them. Shepard gave him a tired chuckled as he continued, "All the being told when to eat and sleep, who to shoot, what to do, how to do it." He continued. He leaned forward, leaning onto his forearms. She looked like she had been anywhere but on the Normandy. She hadn't been quite the same in the last couple weeks. "At least on your ship I got to sleep in every now and then." He then joked as she snorted./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"But when Garrus failed to continue filling in the silence Shepard sighed some. "I've had a lot of time to think, since we've been clearing out the geth." She started, her voice low, her eyes focused on the data pad as it went into sleep mode. "When this whole thing started on Eden Prime, I don't think I was entirely thinking clearly, how dangerous this is. And then I dragged all of you along for the ride." She ran her hand over tired eyes before letting out a heavy shaken sigh. "All because I got scared, I don't do well with the idea of the people I care about being in danger." Shepard continued. She then looked towards the med bay. She looked like she wanted to add more but then slumped some./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Garrus didn't have to guess about who Shepard had meant. The human and asari had practically been joined at the hip since they decided to pursue a relationship. Everyone could see it clear as day between them./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""And then Kaidan.." she couldn't even finish that sentence as she let out another frustrated sigh. She was never good with opening up to people. She had been feeling a bit vulnerable, looking like a mess in front of her friends and crew. She wasn't used to being in such a state around others. She didn't want to appear like she couldn't handle herself, but this was definitely more than she had bargained for./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Garrus's brow furrowed some. "Shepard, listen. It's never easy, losing the people we care about. But you've seen it yourself, Saren doesn't care who we lose. He'll keep going, keep killing." Garrus stopped as Shepard's green eyes finally looked in his direction. "But you've got this." He said, and she could tell he was being sincere. Garrus and Shepard had a great deal of mutual respect for each other. She knew Garrus would never lie to her about this sort of thing./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And yet she still doubted herself. "How do you know, though? I don't even know what I'm doing." She let out, exasperated. He held up his hand, preventing her from going on any sort of tirade. He would save her the time. She just needed someone to pick her up and dust her off./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""We're here because who else is going to be crazy enough to take on a job like this?" Shepard actually laughed at that. Properly laughed. She felt like she hadn't had a real laugh since Kaidan died, and leave it to Garrus to say exactly what she needed to hear. "And let's be honest, Shepard, you're just crazy enough to get the job done. There's no one else I'd rather lead the charge." He added for good measure./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She looked at him, and he could see it in her eyes, she just needed to hear the right thing from the right person. "You might not be military, but you are a warrior and you help people when no one else will. Hell, you wouldn't have a krogan following you around if you weren't capable of handling this." He then stood as he rounded the table, giving her a firm pat on the shoulder. "And let's be honest, Shepard, Wrex would be lost without you." Garrus smirked./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard couldn't help the small smile and laugh as she ran her hand through her red hair. "Thanks, Garrus." she said as she looked up, watching him make his way to the food cabinets, digging out a couple of dextro based meal packets. Probably for him and Tali, those two were always bad about taking a break from working./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;""Anytime, Shepard. Besides, I'd imagine T'soni wouldn't be too happy if you just sat around and did nothing. I'd imagine you'd be out in the, as you humans say, dog house." Garrus then said as he began heading back for the elevator. But just before he vanished, he stopped in his tracks. Shepard watched him curiously as he seemed to ponder something. "You know, I don't even know what a dog house is." He then said before shrugging and disappearing from view./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard rolled her eyes and snorted her amusement, and the smile on her face felt more genuine than it had for a couple weeks. Still, it hadn't entirely put her worries to rest. She had felt a bit of a confidence boost after Garrus' words, but she still felt like there was something missing. She sighed and scooped up the data pad and mug, chugging the rest of it's contents. She left the mug at the sink before deciding to attempt more sleep./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As short of a conversation as it were with Garrus, it had left her feeling worn out. Like she finally dropped at least part of the heavy load from her shoulders. So she headed back into the med bay, heading for the storage room. She pressed the pressure pad, hearing the door swish open. As hoped, Liara still slept peacefully in bed. Shepard tried not to walk too hard across the metal floor with her bare feet./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard sat the data pad down on the desk before turning to walk back towards the bed. She stopped as she took the asari in. It was rare when Shepard saw Liara sleeping so peacefully. They both suffered nightly when it came to nightmares, between the two of them. But they had both become used to it to some degree. She couldn't help the small smile, despite./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"She then walked over to the bed and tried to crawl into it as carefully as she could next to the asari. However, when she was trying to adjust herself, Liara's eyes fluttered open drowsily, as she let out a yawn. She rolled over seeing Nicole who gave her an apologetically sheepish smile. Even though she still had sleep in her eyes she could tell Nicole had been up for a moment. "The visions?" Liara asked, her voice a bit raspy from sleep as she rubbed at her eyes./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"As Shepard finally settled onto her back, Liara scooted in closer, until she draped her arm across Shepard's stomach, resting her head on the human's shoulder. Nicole couldn't help but melt slightly at just the mere presence of the asari. She planted a kiss atop the asari's head as she wrapped her arm around the prothean expert. The human let her fingers run across Liara's crest as the asari hummed and snuggled up closer to her mercenary./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara sighed contentedly as they laid there in silence for a moment. Shepard then sighed some, still a bit raw from the brief conversation with Garrus. She still felt doubt creeping it's way back into her heart and mind. "Virmire." Nicole said quietly. Liara looked up at the human, her own hand running soothing trails up and down the mercenary's side. "It's just hard, I haven't lost anyone in a while. And Im wondering if I bit off more than any of us can chew." Nicole confessed, quietly./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara shifted, kissing Nicole's cheek gently, before propping herself up, running her fingers through red hair. She hovered over the human, feeling Shepard press her hand on the middle of her back. They both looked at each other in silence. Liara had to admit, she had enjoyed how it felt, strands of hair running between her fingers. It seemed so exotic. But her intentions here were to soothe Shepard. "I know it is hard, Nicole. I know you and the others miss him, I see it on all of your faces. Even I have been marked by the events on Virmire." Liara began./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard could only look up at Liara's face, their eyes taking each other in. Liara's voice was quiet and soothing. "Grieve for him, it is your right to do so. He was your friend, and a member of your crew. I cannot imagine how you must feel. This all must be overwhelming." Liara then cupped Nicole's cheek, rubbing the warm skin there with the pad of her thumb. "I am here for you, Nicole. I am with you every step of the way, and everyone here believes in you."/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Shepard's fingers gripped loosely at the shirt the asari wore, turning her head into Liara's touch as she felt tears stinging at her eyes. Maybe it was silly, but no one had told her it was ok to grieve, and it suddenly became very hard to hold it all in. She hadn't even realized that was what she had been doing. She had only really given herself the one night, when Liara had found her a drunken mess in the mako./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"And here she was again, offering Nicole the chance to grieve. There was no judgment. If anything there had been concern in Liara's words. Shepard had never been good at letting her defenses down around others, but Liara still managed to slip past them. "What if I don't know how?" Shepard's question came a a whisper. Her words were thick with emotions, emotions Shepard had kept bottled up. If it weren't for the fact that they were in a silent room, Shepard would've wondered if Liara even heard her./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"But it felt like it was all collapsing in on itself. The doubt the human felt after Kaidan's death, the uncertainty of the galaxy's future, and what her part in all of it meant. And only this small group of people on an Alliance frigate flying around knew anything about it. Liara carefully lifted Shepard's head to look at her again, carefully wiping away an errant tear that had slipped past Nicole's defenses./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Blue eyes locked onto green ones, and she smiled. It was a smile Shepard had never seen before. She felt the air in her throat get a little caught at that smile. "It is ok if you are unsure how." Liara leaned over Shepard, resting their foreheads together. "It matters only that you know you are allowed to grieve, Nicole." Shepard's heart could've stopped on the spot with how quickly so many emotions suddenly surged forward. Her fingers clutched at the back of the prothean expert's t-shirt almost tightly now./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"It was like Liara knew exactly what Shepard needed. To be able to just feel something. It wasn't like anyone told her she wasn't allowed to, but Shepard never felt quite right showing any sense of vulnerability around the others. She was always pushing her own needs to the side for the sake of others. And here Liara was, no judgment, just assurances that Shepard was allowed to feel these things./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"So, Nicole reached up with her free hand, placing it behind Liara's neck and pulling her in for a chaste kiss. She then pulled asari down and burying her face into the crook of Liara's neck. A shaky breath was heard as arms snaked around Liara's shoulders. It didn't take long before Nicole finally let herself be vulnerable enough to just cry. The human's boddy shook and shuddered as she just let herself grieve, clinging to the asari in the process. The one person in all the galaxy who Shepard allowed to see her like this./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"Liara had eventually rolled them back over, the mercenary curled up against the young archaeologist's side, head resting on the prothean expert's shoulder. Liara had resumed combing her fingers through the human's hair in a soothing manner. Shepard's arm held Liara firmly around the middle. And Liara just held onto her, placing the occasional kiss on her forehead or temple./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;" /p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-weight: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-size: 15.12px; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5;"In all honesty it hadn't taken long before Shepard had tired herself out and was now sleeping, one hand clutching at Liara's t-shirt./p
/div