It had never once been good news when Guy, Kurenai, and Asuma showed up on Kakashi's doorstep; sensing their chakra signatures outside his door had filled him with cold dread and made him reach out for Naruto's, relieved when he found it calm and stationary nearby. But he hadn't been able to shake off the feeling that there was bad news waiting for him as he pulled on his mask and shrugged on a grey hoodie over his tank top, approaching his front door with purpose and no small amount of aggression.

His words were coming out of his mouth almost before he'd finished opening the door. "What is it?"

They looked… uncomfortable, quietly exchanging glances as they seemed to nonverbally determine who would explain. Guy was the one that made the first attempt. "Good morning, my great rival! How does this beautiful day find you? Full of vigor, I hope! We should—"

Kakashi's words left no room for argument. "Tell me now or I shut the door."

Kurenai blew out a breath, then inhaled, seemingly gathering herself. She made direct eye contact as she explained shortly, "One of us has to give a sex education lecture on Saturday."

Kakashi's negative response to this statement was so visceral and immediate that he was shutting the door in their faces before he'd even fully processed it. To his profound chagrin, Guy caught it instantly, holding it open as steadily as a boulder, and Kakashi glared fiercely at him. There was a brief struggle, interrupted by Kurenai busting in, "How do you do, would you like to come in? Oh, yes, Kakashi, thank you, you have a lovely home!"

And damn her, but Kakashi liked Kurenai, and could not bring himself not to step aside to let her and her companions inside. Even if he tried to bore holes in the side of her head with his glare. He didn't offer them a seat, but they all sat down at his small dining table, where he and Naruto had eaten breakfast together only an hour before. An argument quickly broke out.

"Surely Kurenai makes the most sense to do it—"

"What, because I'm a woman and we're the gatekeepers of sex? Because birth control and protection are our responsibility? That's bullshit, Asuma, it should clearly be Guy."

"I am a gentleman. I couldn't possibly discuss the delicate details of making love. Surely Kakashi, a man so well read on the subject—"

"What do you want me to teach them, shibari? Icha Icha Paradise isn't exactly a manual. Asuma talks all the time about his success with women, he should do it since he clearly likes talking about it."

"Why don't we settle it with a game of cards? We could—"

"Because Kakashi cheats, Asuma, you know he does!"

"It's not cheating to use my sharingan to read the cards reflected in your pupils, Kurenai, that's literally just me using my eyes. You're a sore loser and you should tilt your cards away from your face when you read them."

"Shut up, Kakashi, you're a filthy cheat. Guy, are you sure you don't want to give a speech on—I don't know, on the beauty of two bodies becoming one, in the ultimate expression of youthfulness?"

"I'd be happy to speak in such polite terms! But I worry whether their beauty may obfuscate their educational value. Perhaps we could race for it—"

"No, Guy, we all know you're the fastest, you're just picking a game you know you'll win at. Why don't we roll a die—"

"The weighted die that you've told us you carry around for this exact purpose? Do you think we're stupid, Asuma? I can't believe—"

Kurenai was interrupted by a little voice saying, "Um, excuse me?" and all eyes turned to see Naruto standing at the edge of the room, looking hesitant and adorable shuffling her feet in front of them, her hands behind her back and her orange shirt askew, falling off one shoulder. "I dunno what you're arguing about having to do, but I have an idea."

Kurenai recovered first, while the men gradually relaxed back into their chairs from where they'd been leaning in to argue. "Oh, Naruto, I love your new outfit! It really suits you, you look so cute. Hinata told me that you all went shopping together, did you have fun?"

Naruto's gaze flicked to his as she wandered forward, as though for guidance, her eyes big at being complimented by the older kunoichi, and Kakashi purred at being deferred to, even though he had no idea how to help her. He nodded his head minutely, and she looked back at the woman and said, "Y-yeah, Kurenai-sensei, it was fun. Um, your— Hinata is the best, she protected me from the other girls best she could. At least, she didn't let Ino put me in a mini-skirt, but just for that I kind of owe her, you know?" Oh, well, that was an image, wasn't it? She shrank under their continued attention on her, but puffed out her cheeks and held out her fists, where four senbon were splayed between her knuckles, two of them in each hand. "One of them is broken. You can draw for it."

"I think I forgot she lived here," Asuma muttered, seemingly to himself. "Wait, do we trust that she doesn't have a signal for Kakashi?"

"Come on, Asuma, you think we sit around coming up with elaborate signals for hypothetical social scenarios?"

Naruto didn't wait for Asuma to answer him. "I swear I have no idea what's going on, or whether I want sensei to win or lose. Like, maybe it's something really funny, I don't know. And I'm a terrible liar."

His girl was so earnest. It mended his heart as fast as it broke it. Kakashi had to fight off a smile, concentrating on keeping his expression impassive. "It's true, she is. Major gap in her skillset." She pouted at him, and he wasn't able to keep himself from smiling that time. His colleagues noticed, he could tell, so he made a point of not acting like he was trying to hide it. He had to try to save at least a little face if he was going to keep making it known how wrapped around her finger he was.

"Alright, alright. We'll trust the girl. Who's going first?"

"Same time?"

"I'm game."

Kakashi gestured Naruto closer to the table, clenching his fists to suppress his instinct to touch her back when she came into reach. Obediently, she held her hands out where they all could reach, and Guy made a point to pick the one furthest from himself, so Kakashi picked the one right in front of him, because what if Naruto was trying to signal him?

"Three, two, pull. … Fuck!" Kakashi stared down at the broken senbon in his palm, feeling betrayed. "What was that, Naruto?"

She huffed, taking a few steps back as she put her hands on her hips. "I told you, sensei, I didn't plan anything! I didn't even know if I wanted you to win or lose! Cause what if it's funny? … Is it?"

There was a smile playing at the corner of her cute little lips, and when Kurenai clarified, "We were deciding who would give a sex education lecture to the genin this weekend," she doubled over laughing, bracing herself with her hands on her knees.

"Oh nooo," she giggled. "Sensei, that's terrible. I'm so sorry." But then she burst into another peal of laughter and somehow, Kakashi didn't think she was really all that sorry. He listened to his colleagues join her, crossing his arms over his chest and being careful not to pout the way he wanted to, instead keeping himself still and focused on the table in front of him.

When they trailed off, Kurenai turned in her chair fully towards Naruto, freezing the girl's laughter on her lips as she said gently, maternally, "Of course, sweetie, if you don't want to come to the lecture, that's just fine." And Kakashi flinched, because he'd been thinking the same thing, but hoping she'd just pretend to be sick the day of, so she could preserve her dignity, rather than have her sexual abuse acknowledged outright.

Naruto took a defensive step back, abruptly breaking eye contact to look at the floor as she continued with painfully false cheer, "Why wouldn't I go? It's going to be hilarious, I'm not going to miss sensei explaining the birds and the bees to us."

Kurenai recognized her mistake. "I just thought it might be weird, getting the talk from your new roommate. The other genin don't have to sit at the dinner table with him after, you know?"

The blonde's lips curved up, and she raised her eyes as she agreed, "I know, it's scary. You've seen his teeth, right? He's got those crazy long canines like a wolf or a vampire or something, you should see the hole he leaves when he takes a bite out of an apple."

Asuma looked horrified, and Kakashi barely managed to keep from choking, hiding it in a cough. A terrible liar, but a great prankster; eventually he'd teach her to apply one skill to the other. "Don't tell people about my teeth," he admonished, and she shot him a playful smile. Then, to the other jōnin, "Fine. Do I have to make my own curriculum, or…?"

Kurenai pulled a packet out of fold of her shirt. "You get a list of topics to cover, some specific details to hit."

Accepting the bundle of paper from her, Kakashi quickly scanned the first page, choking for real this time as he sputtered, "I have to go over anal sex with a bunch of thirteen year olds?" Naruto made an odd, breathless wheezing noise, as though she'd passed the point of laughter altogether, and Kakashi tried his best not to glare at her. "I have to show them how to put on a condom? Are they giving me some models to use or do they want me to drop my pants and provide a live demonstration?"

"Just use a banana."

Scandalized, he shot back, "If I'm in charge of teaching the genin how to be safe, I'm not going to half-ass it, Asuma. Just because I'd rather drown myself in a puddle doesn't mean they deserve not to be educated correctly. Just let me borrow one of yours, Kurenai?"

Kakashi watched out of the corner of his eye as Naruto slid to the floor, now silently convulsing in her mirth with her head in her hands. Kurenai blushed—a truly rare sight—and choked out, "Who says that I have—?"

Guy leaned forward delicately. "My dear friend, I think you're forgetting you've informed us that you own such objects. You should not be ashamed! Self love is beautiful and—"

"That doesn't mean they're appropriate for this! Do you want the ribbed one, the sparkly one, or the double pronged one?" Everyone went silent aside from Naruto's gasping breaths, and Kurenai insisted, "See? Nobody wants that. Kakashi should just go buy one, I'm sure the Sandaime will refund him if he submits a receipt and an expense report."

"Not happening."

"Oh come on, Kakashi," Asuma groaned, pressing his fingers against his temples. "You read porn in public daily. Why are you putting up such a fight about this?"

"I read erotica and romance, Asuma, not that you'd recognize romance if it bit you on the ass."

"That's rich coming from a guy who hasn't been on a date in over a decade! The guys at headquarters have a betting pool about whether you're impotent."

"Just because I don't brag about my conquests doesn't mean I'm impotent, you ass."

"It's prostitutes, right? I've always thought it was prostitutes."

For a moment, Kakashi was speechless, because yeah, it usually was prostitutes. It was hard to find anyone else who'd let him have sex the only way he could relax and enjoy it, which was with his partner facedown, bound with their hands behind their backs, and blindfolded. Which was exactly why he shouldn't be giving this lecture, he clearly didn't have a healthy relationship with sex. Deflecting, he pointed at his student, whose silent laughter was wracking her body as though she were having a seizure. "My genin is right there, Asuma. Do you want me to go gossip to Ino about your sexual prowess and the revolving door of women coming in and out of your apartment?"

The man blanched, and put his palms up in surrender. "Please no. She's too interested in my sex life as it is, and lately she's been trying to hit on me... It would almost be cute if it wasn't completely horrifying."

Kakashi thought briefly that he'd be delighted if Naruto hit on him, and would think it was the cutest thing he'd ever seen, but could concede the point that if either of his other two genin did it, he'd be positively nauseous. "Then don't talk about my body or my sex life in front of my genin, understand?"

"I'll go get it," Naruto wheezed, drawing every eye in the room towards her. "Gods, you guys are acting like children, I'll just go get it, and I'll bring the receipt to the Sandaime. I want to see the look on his face."

Kakashi put his head in his hands, trying not to think about the blonde perusing a shelf full of dildos. "No, Naruto. I don't even think that's legal."

"But apparently I need to protect your delicate sensibilities, sensei," she teased, prompting his friends to have to (poorly) hide their amusement.

"Fine!" He threw his hands up, desperate for this exchange to be over. "Fine, I'll go buy a dildo and some fucking condoms, and I'll deliver the lecture, but you better believe I'm going to make every single one of our genin practice putting it on. And you three have to sit in, and when we answer questions at the end, you have to help."

Expressions of horror crossed the faces of the other jōnin, but Naruto giggled out a little, "Oh, come on, that's more than fair. Don't be such prudes."

"Young lady," Guy began. "It is not prudish to keep matters of the flesh private. It's a beautiful, personal thing, and—"

"It's also ugly and messy and gross and humiliating and it hurts and everyone has to do it," Naruto laughed as she pushed herself to her feet, effectively sucking all the air out of the room. Kakashi met Asuma's eye, and all he saw there was pity; Guy looked like someone had poked him with a pin and deflated him, and Kurenai's eyes had grown a little shiny. "Sorry," she continued obliviously, turning and waving a hand over her shoulder, "I'll let the adults talk, please excuse me."

There was a long moment of silence after her bedroom door clicked shut. Kakashi calmly folded his arms on the table and buried his head in them, feeling hollow, helpless. A hand touched his back, so gentle he first assumed it must be Kurenai, but it was Guy who spoke, voice low and emotional. "She'll heal," he assured Kakashi. "Eventually, she'll be able to learn to love her body, and enjoy it."

"Who's going to teach her?" Kakashi asked, his words dead and muffled, feeling entirely unequal to the task. But he knew he couldn't say anything liked that. "One of your brats? Sasuke? Which one do you think is going to be able to handle her baggage when she's fifteen or sixteen? Which one do you think is going to be more worried about her trauma than their dick?"

Asuma said Shikamaru at the same time Guy said Lee, of course! and Kakashi snorted, lifting his head to look at each man in turn even as he internally prickled against the mention of the boy Naruto had a crush on. "Lee isn't going to understand why she can't overcome it through hard work, and Shikamaru is going to make her feel like he thinks working with her through her trauma is a chore, even if he really does care and want to do it. Either way, they're gonna fuck Naruto up worse."

"Maybe someone older," Kurenai ventured, and upon catching Kakashi's eye, misinterpreted his panic and explained, "Not now, but when she's a bit older as well. My second lover was someone the age I am now, when I was sixteen. Naruto is going to need a man when she's ready, not a boy."

"What if he has unsavory motivations?" Guy worried. "Naruto is so vulnerable, and trusting. And every shinobi in the village will know her legal status now that she's living with Kakashi."

The age of consent for an orphaned, legally independent genin was thirteen, provided the relationship was declared properly and the genin received regular counseling. Which was—ugly, and wrong, but built on a history of marriage providing stability for that incredibly vulnerable group. The orphaned genin-jōnin housing system was supposed to have replaced that particular tradition, but a couple of Kakashi's peers had married their jōnin sensei anyway, and had apparently happy marriages. He presumed that was why the law remained on the books. Shinobi lived short, fast lives, and were encouraged to grab happiness where they could. With teaching systems built around absolute trust in one's team and a strong need to please one's sensei, it was no surprise that such entanglements were historically common, relatively speaking. That knowledge was an ever-present specter in his mind, itching at his joints and twisting his thoughts.

"It's simple," Kakashi intoned sarcastically, returning his head to his arms. "I just won't let her date until she's twenty."