Kakashi was dreading his Saturday lecture so much that he'd woken up around four and been unable to go back to bed, so by the time he woke Naruto up with a plate of pancakes, he was a little tipsy, about a quarter of the way through the screwdriver he'd put in his thermos after his long, long shower, most of which he'd spent staring at the wall.

He brushed his hand over her blonde head as she sat up, blinking owlishly at him as she accepted the plate and the fork. "Breakfast in bed?" she asked in a mumble. "Is it my birthday?"

Kakashi snorted; it was literally as far from her birthday as it could be, almost exactly six months away. "No, sweetheart," he soothed, and after a second, an alarm bell went off in his head, and he was staring wide-eyed down at her as she sleepily mouthed the word sweetheart back, her nose scrunched up in adorable confusion. "Sorry, full disclosure, I've been up for a while and I'm already drinking."

She waved him off, using the fork to cut off a bite and stuff it into her mouth. "That's really good," she said when she swallowed, looking and sounding a little more alert. Then she smirked at him. "Such a lush, sensei. Are you that nervous about your lecture?"

"I wouldn't describe it as nerves," he denied, pleased by the sight of her enjoying what he'd made for her. "More like cold dread."

Naruto snorted at him, chewing and swallowing another mouthful before she spoke. "It won't be that bad," she comforted him. "I promise you that we'll all be just as horrified as you are." Then, casually, eyes on the plate in her lap, "You can call me pet names if you like, sensei, I don't mind."

Mouth suddenly dry, Kakashi wasn't sure how to respond. He knew how he wanted to respond. He wanted to press a kiss to the top of her head and call her all sorts of sweet things. But that would be—inadvisable, to say the least. "You don't even call me Kakashi, and you want me to call you pet names?" he deflected, trying to end the conversation as he moved to grab a clean set of her new clothes for her, glad Sakura had had the foresight to get extra copies. The girl was quiet, seeming focused on eating, and he relaxed a little, pulling out socks, underwear, and a bra from their respective drawers. It had startled him a little the first time he'd seen her modest collection of bras; he hadn't expected them to be so cute, or delicate-looking. Now, though, he barely registered it, choosing the front-clasping one because he thought the lacy back would look nice above the low-hanging collar of the back of her shirt.

He set everything on the bed for her, so intent on his task that it shocked him when he finally looked up to see that she'd been watching him intently, almost studying him. He felt unexpectedly and unfamiliarly laid bare, and froze up. "You can call me pet names if you want, Kakashi," she told him, tilting her head to the side with an unreadable expression that made him want to crack her open and see her thoughts for himself. The sound of his name on her lips pleased him, and made his face feel warm. For a moment, he was grateful he was wearing a mask; in the next moment, he remembered he was not, in fact, wearing a mask, and the object of his affections was smirking at him like she knew something he didn't.

Kakashi cleared his throat brusquely, and broke the tension by smirking back. "Fine, brat," he teased, trying to pretend that the heat from the alcohol wasn't rolling with an entirely different kind of heat in his abdomen. "Your braids from last night are a little messy, do you want me to redo them, or are you going to wear your hair down?"

"I'll wear it down," she decided, stuffing another bite into her mouth, and even though she was almost finished eating, he found himself picking up the end of the first braid, removing the tie and quickly undoing his work to admire the golden waves that emerged under his fingers. Her hair was so soft and silky now that she was taking better care of it… The other braid came out easily as well, and he smoothed his palms down over the flyaway frizz on her head. He had no idea what had gotten into her to make her so observant all the sudden, but the next thing she said was, "You really like doing my hair, don't you? Did you ever have a doll when you were little?"

Suddenly, Kakashi was three years old, knelt in his childhood next door neighbor's yard, playing dress up with her dolls. What was her name? Asami? She'd been a civilian, and they drifted apart after his father died, he became a genin, and he moved in with Minato. He'd forgotten about her entirely, and how much he'd loved playing dolls with her. "No," he answered stiffly, shifting to thoughts about how Kushina would sometimes let him run his fingers through her hair when he was stressed, those first few years he lived with them. "And you aren't a doll."

"Aren't I, though?" Naruto mused, setting her fork on her empty plate and turning her head to look at him, her big blue eyes penetrating and sweet and earnest. "You dress me up and do my hair every day. Is that why you keep saying I need more civilian clothes? Bored of your options?"

Kakashi was flummoxed. For weeks, she'd silently allowed him to dress her and braid her hair, without a single word, and he'd assumed she'd thought nothing of it. But no, she had an entire theory developed to explain his behavior, and even though he'd never quite thought of it the way she was, she wasn't exactly wrong. "I'm not sober enough for this conversation," he ground out after a second, shoving his hands in his pockets as he took a step back and looked away. "I'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable—"

"No!" Grey met blue in a cautious staring contest, and Naruto continued weakly, flushing, "No, I—I really like it, sensei. Kakashi. It makes me feel—makes me feel like you care about me. I've never had anyone care about me like that before." She looked down, then back up, biting her lip. "We're working through our shit together, aren't we? I can be your doll, if you need a doll."

Swallowing hard, Kakashi clenched his fists in his pockets against the thick wave of arousal that threatened to wipe his mind clean if he gave into it. "Naruto—" he began, and she shook her head, silencing him.

"I know what you're going to say. All I'm saying is that I like you doing something that you seem to like to do, so if you want to be more purposeful about it, then I'm comfortable with that. In fact, it helps me wear the clothes that make me uncomfortable, because I don't have to worry about if I'm wearing them the right way, or if I look nice. And I don't know…" She shrugged, looking down at the bedspread. "I think it's easier for me to put them on when I'm told to do it. When I dress myself, I end up standing there paralyzed with anxiety about putting it back on." She nodded to her new training uniform, clarifying what it was. "So dress me up, and we don't have to talk about it, and it'll be the same as when we sit together on the couch, or you stay with me until I fall asleep."

Kakashi was struggling to process all of this, hard and surprised and tipsy and gods, it wasn't even eight in the morning. So all he said was, "Okay," with a quick jerk of his chin and zero eye contact. It was on the tip of his tongue to say something else, like, You're smarter than we give you credit for, aren't you? But instead, he just took her dishes and left her to get dressed.

…

Their walk to the school together was quiet, but not necessarily awkward. Kakashi had greeted her at the door with her pack like normal, and Naruto had smiled and said thanks, sensei like she always did, and then they were off. He spent the brief trip taking small sips of his refilled thermos through his genjutsu mask, trying to make sure he kept up an even, steady buzz as he watched his girl.

She was really beautiful. Her hair fell in a long, gorgeous cascade, and the way she walked—with her hands laced together behind her head—lengthened her torso and pushed out her chest. She was alluring, and cute, and she'd told Kakashi he could play dress up using her as his doll. He'd never felt that strong of a combination of arousal and embarrassment before, and all he could think about was that sundress, folded neatly next to her black pants in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Would she put it on if he laid it out? Show him her arms, her legs?

But as they drew closer to the school, his dread at the task that laid ahead of him gradually took up more and more of his attention, until he was so worked up he had a headache and had altogether forgotten she was there. He was reminded when she skipped ahead of him as they reached the classroom, only to freeze just inside the door, same as she had last week. But surely the other genin were done staring at her…?

As Kakashi entered the room behind her, though, the issue became clear. Every male genin in the room apart from Sasuke was staring at Naruto as though they'd never seen her before, with expressions ranging from abject shock (Kiba) to mild surprise (Shino, Neji) to confusion (Chōji) and from open attraction (Lee) to mild appreciation (Shikamaru), while the girls mostly rolled their eyes or gave Naruto sympathetic looks. Chaos immediately ensued.

"When did you grow tits, dude?" Kiba asked immediately, prompting Kurenai to nail him on the forehead with a piece of chalk. "Ow! What was that for? Come on, I can't be the only one that had no idea Naruto had a rack—"

Hinata hushed him harshly, but Shino was nodding. "A well-hidden secret," he agreed, and his female teammate leaned over and smacked him.

"Shut up, dog breath, just because the only tits you ever get to see are your mother's doesn't mean you get to comment on mine!" Kakashi made an odd strangled noise that threatened to be a laugh, amused by the way his girl stomped her foot, and Kurenai met his eye, grinning widely at the girl's antics and pointedly not stepping in.

Sakura tried to say something, and Sasuke was glaring harshly at the boy with the face tattoos, but they were prevented from intervening when Kiba cried out, "Look at them! How am I supposed to not comment?" This prompted a flash of green to fly across the room, colliding with the boy and sending him to the floor.

"That's not how you treat a lady," Lee hissed from atop Kiba, making quick work of tying the boy's sleeves together behind his back, which was—a clever way to briefly restrain a friend, really. Kakashi did not need to turn his head to know that Guy was most likely beaming as his prized student approached Naruto.

"Lee—" she started to speak, wary, and flinched as the boy interrupted her.

"Please go on a date with me!" the goofy kid exclaimed, bowing deeply to her in a picture perfect recreation of how Guy had approached girls when they'd been teenagers. It almost made him nauseous.

Before Naruto could even react, Tenten called out a long-suffering, "Lee, for the love of the gods, you just realized that Naruto is pretty, and now you want to go on a date?"

Lee straightened up to answer his teammate, but his eyes were fixed on Naruto as he corrected enthusiastically, "On the contrary, I've always found Naruto to be quite the lovely maiden! But her clothing choices seemed to indicate that she was uninterested in male attention, so I have been respectfully waiting for her to signal an interest in being courted!"

To Kakashi's surprise, he was very suddenly no longer a bystander as Naruto whipped around, long blonde hair flying, and pointed accusingly at him. "I told you!" she insisted, with an distracting, adorable pout. "I told you that these clothes would make boys see me as an option!"

Every eye in the room (apart from the few that had been drawn to Naruto's ass when she turned) was on him, and all he could think to say was a low, "Maa… I take your point."

There was a loud sigh, and something like annoyance prickled over Kakashi's skin as Shikamaru rolled his head back on his shoulders, then sat up and faced Naruto directly. "Since you are all so troublesome, and immature," he began, words barbed and threatening. "I'll demonstrate how to treat a girl like a human being. Hello, Naruto," he said as she turned back around, and she raised her palm in an awkward greeting. "I noticed that you're wearing new clothes. They suit you, and I like them, though of course I liked your old clothes as well."

"Thank you, Shikamaru." Naruto giggled (and that didn't make Kakashi feel anything, nope, he's an adult and doesn't get involved in teenaged crushes), and the boy gestured around the room with a see? motion.

"You're welcome. Now, can we get on with class? Clearly something weird is happening. All the sensei are gathered together; usually it's just Kakashi-sensei in the mornings."

Naruto took full advantage of the opportunity to both get attention off herself and throw Kakashi to the wolves. "Sensei is giving us a sex ed lecture," she chirped, and a cacophony of protests and groans and horrified gasps met Kakashi's ears. He tried to ignore it as he walked up to the front, set down his bag, and picked up a piece of chalk. The unhappy chattering died into silence as he stared at the blank board, nauseous in earnest now, refusing to acknowledge his colleagues hiding laughter under coughing. He took a long sip of from his thermos, set the chalk against the board, and, resigning himself, began to draw a uterus.

"As your classmate said," he told the board with no inflection, though he projected so that the genin could hear him. "We are going over a sex education unit today, by order of the Sandaime. I do not want to give you this lecture." He paused for emphasis, though continued to draw the ovaries, the fallopian tubes, the vaginal canal. He moved to the side, and began again, this time drawing a vulva, more than a foot tall. "I would rather die than give you this lecture."

Kakashi moved again, this time beginning to illustrate a cross section of the male reproductive system. Drawing the vas deferens caused the chalk to screech. "However, today, it is my job to do so, and I don't intend to half-ass it. You will leave this room educated." He sat the chalk down and turned, looking over the students' heads rather than at them. "You may ask questions at any time, but you will also have the opportunity to write questions down for us to answer anonymously after class, so be sure to jot them down if you don't want to ask out loud. … I don't see any notebooks open."

He waited for the shuffling of their papers to settle, and then poked at the last diagram he'd illustrated. "Somebody tell me what this is. You don't have to raise your hand."

There was a brief silence, broken by a blushing Sakura, and he was proud of her as she answered correctly, "That's the prostate, sensei. It produces seminal fluid and controls whether urine can pass through the urethra."

"Exactly correct. That seminal fluid is alkaline, which changes the pH of the vagina, which is naturally slightly acidic. That is why those of you who possess vaginas may have noticed bleaching in your underwear." There were a few little ohs, one distinctly relieved, and Kakashi started to feel a little more like he was going something good. "Counteracting that acidity with something alkaline helps the sperm survive longer. … I don't hear anyone writing."

The sound of pencils hitting paper filled the room, and gradually, Kakashi fell into a rhythm as he moved through the purpose and broader impact of each anatomical structure as well as their relationships to each other and their health implications. He was gratified by the soft sighs of relief when he explained the myth of the 'broken' hymen and the change in energy from tense to calm as he went into detail about the range of completely normal and healthy visual diversity in human genitals. By the time he reached venereal disease, he was relaxed and a little tipsy.

"Assuming you are having safe, sane, and consensual sex—more on that later—the two major ways you can get hurt through sexual activity are through pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. You can mitigate both of these risks by using protection. Who knows what I mean by that?"

"Condoms," Neji answered calmly, and Kakashi nodded.

"Yes, exactly, if used correctly. You should always visually inspect the condom and its packaging for damage, keep your condoms away from heat, cold, or friction—so don't put them in your wallets—and be sure to use the right size, or you'll increase the risk of it tearing or sliding off. It should be snug, but not tight. You should also inspect your condoms after sex, checking for tears or leaks. Who knows what you do if you realize the condom has broken?"

"Morning after pill," Tenten called out.

"Correct. This is available over the counter at the pharmacy with no questions asked, and will prevent pregnancy in most cases if taken within seventy-two hours." He droned on about this topic for a few minutes, concluding, "And keep in mind, sexually transmitted diseases are a risk any time you are engaging in any mucous membrane to mucous membrane or fluid to mucous membrane contact. That includes oral sex, anal sex, kissing, and contact between genitals and semen."

The extreme silence of the room apart from his own voice and occasional answers from his students was getting funnier the longer he talked and drank, enough so that he thought it would be entertaining to pull the dildo out without warning. He did so, sticking it to the desk at the front of the room by the suction cup at its base in one fluid motion, and there was a horrified ripple of gasps and recoiling as he plopped a box of condoms down next to it. "We'll talk about dental dams in a moment," he heard himself say, attention fixed on the task at hand as he removed a packet from the box. "But for now, always open your condoms carefully, and do not use your teeth," he narrated, withdrawing the little object and showing it to the class. "That extra tip on the end is a reservoir for the semen. You want to pinch it before you put the condom on, so that it doesn't form an air bubble, which could cause the condom to break… then roll it down." He demonstrated as he spoke, then looked up.

"I'm making everyone here practice, partially because it's probably a genuinely good idea for you to do so, and partially because I think it's funny. Any questions?" Dead silence met his words, and he briefly surveyed the room, for the first time in nearly an hour, to find every last genin glued to him, fascinated, many of them blushing. This was clearly the best lecture he'd ever given, much to his chagrin; usually, at least a couple of them would be goofing off or napping. Naruto had her cheek propped up on her fist, and appeared to be mindlessly scribbling back and forth on the page to keep herself entertained. She smiled at him when they made eye contact, and he felt his eye crinkle up as he involuntarily smiled back at her. "Alright, Lee, since you are so well versed in the ways of love and youth, why don't you and your team come show the younger genin what to do?"

The exercise proceeded relatively painlessly, and a pile of discarded condoms gathered on the table next to the dildo. Kakashi merely observed, only stepping in to correct Hinata as she tried to put hers on inside out with shaking fingers and a painful looking blush. His team approached last, and he was unsurprised by the businesslike way that Sakura quickly and efficiently accomplished the task, though she studiously avoided eye contact with him, and Sasuke was much the same, except for his pained grimace, which just left Naruto.

She started out confident, unwrapping the condom with a little smile on her face, but when she reached out to touch the dildo, she unexpectedly froze up, something awful glittering in her eye. Before Kakashi could even react, however, as though his other genin already had a contingency plan in place, Sakura artfully fell off the little ledge that defined the teaching area, sprawling out with an attention-grabbing yell, and Sasuke pushed close against Naruto's side to block the view of the other students as he plucked the condom from the blonde's hand and completed the task for her.

"So sorry," Sakura was saying to Lee as he helped her up, having dashed over for the opportunity to do so. "I was so focused on not messing up in front of sensei, I completely forgot about the ledge."

"She's done," Sasuke added, looking at Kakashi as though he expected a challenge.

But all he said was, "Good work," infinitely proud of them as he shooed them back to their seats and ignored the little smile Naruto gave him over her shoulder, as well as Kurenai's amused hum and Asuma's scoff.

…

By the time lunch rolled around, Kakashi had covered consent, communication, hygiene, the menstrual cycle, fantasy (which largely amounted to, if you have control over your actions, whatever you want to think about is fine), safe anal sex, hormonal birth control, the nebulous relationship between gender, sex, and sexuality, and the briefest possible introduction to kink: "It's okay, normal, and healthy to want to do those things, but only with a consenting, educated partner, and only after you're sure you know how to do it safely. I recommend the bookstore four blocks east of here, they have a dedicated gender and sexuality section, and if you have any questions after this lecture, they will be a good resource to learn more."

Honestly, he kind of felt like he'd nailed it. Maybe this was his true calling, horrifying children while also genuinely doing a bang up job of educating them about their bodies and safe sex. Or maybe he was just intoxicated; his thermos had been empty for a while, and his throat was dry. As he dismissed the students to talk amongst themselves and eat, Kurenai kindly and discretely switched his thermos for her water bottle, and he took a sip, grimacing. He couldn't understand why people liked gin, but he still toasted her.

"That was excellent, Kakashi," she praised him, a little surprised. "I didn't think you had it in you. You were definitely the right choice for the job."

Guy was crying as he and Asuma approached the desk, which was completely unsurprising. "I am so glad," he sniffled, "That my students could have such an honorable and educated man teach them to be safe and kind to their bodies. That was a beautiful lecture!"

"Really detailed," Asuma added. "I didn't know a couple of those things. Like the acidity thing, or why balls are on the outside instead of inside our bodies. Neat stuff, well done."

Kakashi took another hard swallow, throat a little rough from speaking for so long. "Yeah, well, the brats needed to know," he deflected. Then, to the room at large, "We're doing questions next. There's a box up front, and Guy will hand out paper and pencils. Put whatever you want, we'll answer it. Got it?"

A chorus of yes, Kakashi-sensei met his words and he nodded stiffly. "Good."