The first few questions went easily enough, though he quite enjoyed calling on his friends to answer them. After a while, they fell into an easy rhythm.

"'Do girls masturbate,' Asuma?"

"… Yes."

"That is correct, very good."

"Kakashi, please stop acting like you're quizzing us, I don't think—"

"Guy! 'Is it normal for there to be chunks in period blood?'"

"Normal, and a beautiful part of the mysteries of the female body!"

"Points deducted for referring to the female body as mysterious, but otherwise correct. Kurenai, 'I have some lumps in my breasts that hurt when I'm PMSing, should I be worried?'"

"Well Kakashi, breast cancer usually doesn't hurt, and those sound like normal, common breast cysts, but you can always ask your doctor if it's worrying you. Be sure to check once a month or so for any changes in your breasts, and be sure to see a doctor immediately if you notice a lump that's immovable, creating a dimple on your skin, or discolored."

"Thank you, Kurenai, I'll be sure to check regularly. Asuma! 'Do the sperms come out—' Wait, hold on." Kakashi lifted the page closer to his face, squinting tipsily as though that would make the the words on the page make more sense, but they didn't. "'Do the sperms come out like tadpoles, and if so, can you keep them alive in a tank?'" Everyone laughed, but Kakashi immediately zeroed in on the fact that his team was practically seizing, Sakura and Naruto hiding their faces in their arms on the desk and Sasuke red with effort not to laugh out loud. "So that one is an obvious no… I hope you all took this educational exercise seriously."

He pulled out another, and read it out loud with a sinking feeling in his stomach, even though if what he thought was happening was happening, it really was quite funny. "It says, 'Is it weird to be turned on by my dog?'"

Kiba turned bright red. "I didn't write that!" he cried out as everyone looked at him, giggling.

"No one said you did," Kakashi soothed, trying like hell to keep a straight face. "You want to take that one, Kurenai?"

The woman in question shot him a glare. "I think that was a joke question, but just in case… Um, no, as long as you're in control of your actions and don't make plans to sexually abuse any animals?"

Kakashi shrugged; he would have said something similar. "Sure. And in the same vein, this one says, 'Is it weird to be turned on by bugs?'" It was definitely written in Naruto's handwriting, he'd recognize it anywhere after reading her journal cover to cover. Amused but refusing to show it, he watched Shino silently sink further into his seat to a chorus of laughter, while his own students appeared to be having epileptic fits, all silent, with Sasuke having joined his teammates in hiding his face in his arms. "I'm going to say no again, as long as you and the bugs aren't getting hurt. And this one says… 'Is your mask to protect you from herpes?' I am assuming that's referring to me. No, it's to protect you from how unbelievably handsome I am. What's next…?" He pulled the next one out, amused by the tittering laughter of the class and how obvious his genin were. They didn't even mix their questions together with the others, they appeared to have been placed as a stack. "Ah, this one goes to you, Asuma. 'Is it normal to not be lactating yet by the time you start your period?'"

The man in question looked like he could use a cigarette, and sure enough, he took one out of the pack to chew on as he answered in a suffering tone, "You don't lactate until you get pregnant."

"Or if you're having an endocrine issue," Kurenai added. "Just talk to your doctor about it if so, it's usually fixable or harmless."

"Very good… oh, I think this one is for you, Guy. 'How does a young gentleman convince a youthful, beautiful maiden to engage in hand to genital contact?'"

"Patiently, through courtship, and with respect!" the man answered instantly in a shout. "Yosh!"

"I swear that wasn't mine," Kakashi heard Lee say to the people around him, and Naruto let out a keening noise.

"Another one… 'Is it normal to think sex sounds like too much work?' Sure, being asexual or otherwise disinterested is totally normal."

"This is a good prank," Shikamaru acknowledged, smirking, as Ino teased him with a shove and a shit eating grin.

"'Is it okay to want to eat food off a girl's body?'" Kakashi watched Chōji's round face go scarlet. "Sure, no harm no foul, just keep it away from her vagina, or you might disrupt her pH or microbiome, leading to an infection. Let's see… 'Is it okay that I use my bloodline to look through peoples clothes?'"

"Neji!" Guy scolded, clearly not picking up on what was going on, and the boy in question flushed deep red. "How could you do something so dishonorable! You should never look at anyone's body without their consent!"

"I've only ever done that on accident!" Neji cried in response, and Kakashi had to pause as the room howled with laughter, bracing himself not to join them.

The next one targeted one of the girls; he'd been wondering if they would. It was Sasuke's handwriting, he was almost certain. "'Is it okay to be turned on by using weapons in bed?'" Tenten kept her chin up, good for her. "Maa, yes, as long as you're very careful, but I'd recommend fake or blunted blades. Next is… 'Every time I get turned on, I blush really hard, and sometimes I faint. Should I see a doctor?'" Hinata looked as though she was threatening to do so now, swaying in her seat as Kiba laughed at her, even as he positioned himself to catch her if she did fall. "I think if it's making you faint, yeah, see a doctor. Oh, this one is for you, Asuma. 'Does smoking cigarettes mean you have an oral fixation?'"

"Fuck you, it doesn't say that." Kakashi crumpled the paper and tossed it at the man, who groaned and rolled his eyes as he uncrumpled it and read it. "No," he answered shortly, trying to look irritated, but the whole room was pretty amused.

"And yes, here we go, a question 'from' the only remaining genin who is not on team seven." The three in question were losing their minds, and when Naruto picked her face up to look at him, it was red and tear-streaked, and she was shaking with laughter. "I think this is Sakura's handwriting. 'Is it okay that I like it when people call me a pig?' Absolutely, as long as your partner is comfortable calling you that. I assume we're done with the joke questions?" This last was aimed at Naruto, whose eyes were sparkling and beautiful and whose smile was so difficult not to return.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she wheezed, returning her head to her arms. "Those could have—" A fit of giggling interrupted her weak denials. "—could have been written by anybody, sensei."

"Yes, of course, that's why we had the anonymous question box." He pulled out the next one—the last of the obvious stack he'd been working through, and started reading it out loud before he'd processed it. "'Is it normal to have sexual thoughts about—'"

It was in Naruto's handwriting. Is it normal to have sexual thoughts about your sensei? Panicking, Kakashi stuffed it in his pocket, and blustered, "Maa, let's just clarify that there are no bad thoughts, only bad actions." Blinking, he pulled the next piece of paper; there were only a few left, and he prayed some of them would be real questions. Thankfully, the next one was, and his shoulders unknotted as he read it. "'How do you know if a girl likes girls?' Oh, that's a tough one. Does anyone want to take it?"

Kurenai spoke up. "You probably won't know for sure until you ask, but a good hint might be to see how they look at girls and their bodies."

"Asking would probably be best," Kakashi agreed. "Hmm… Guy, 'How do you make an erection go away?'"

The man blushed, and kept his answer uncharacteristically subdued and brief. "Oh, well. Try flexing your thighs."

"That one usually works," Kakashi confirmed, prompting some giggles, distracted as he read the second to last question. "Asuma, 'Is it true that your diet affects how your stuff tastes?' I'm assuming 'stuff' means semen."

"Uhh, yeah, I think so. But don't worry about it, it's never going to taste very good, just focus on having a healthy diet. Maybe don't drink coffee before oral sex." He paused, then added begrudgingly, "And don't take up smoking."

"Sure." Kakashi was holding the final slip of paper. "Last one, and then I never want to see any of you ever again." He looked down, scanning the small, neat letters. "'How do you become good at sex?' I'll take this one." He cleared his throat, drained the last of Kurenai's water bottle, and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the desk behind him as he stared somewhere near the feet of the first row of students. "Mostly just communicating. Asking questions, and listening. If you can't have a frank conversation with your partner about sex, you aren't ready. Beyond that… Watch your partner, pay attention to them, listen to the way they breathe and the sounds they make. Keep doing the things that give you positive reactions. Remember that what works with one partner may not with another; there's always a learning curve if you take on a new lover... Ah, and if they say 'don't stop,' they mean it. Keep doing exactly what you're doing. Don't speed up, don't go harder, just do exactly what you're doing."

He looked up, and accidentally made eye contact with Ino, who had her knees pressed together and a blush across her cheekbones. As though burned, he jerked upright, and turned away, dismissing the students without any further fuss. "Alright, now, get out. If you have any more questions… talk to your doctor, read a book, ask someone you trust. Just as long as it's not me."

There were sighs of relief, even if the lecture had gone over pretty well overall. Kakashi didn't look at any of the students as they left, calling goodbyes and chattering to each other; he focused his attention on erasing his illustrations, a vague idea about Iruka killing him if a bunch of eight year olds saw it on Monday rattling around in his tipsy brain. It grew quiet, and he expected his colleagues to start speaking, but they didn't, so he turned to see what was wrong, and—

It was Naruto, with her hands clasped behind her back and her eyes on her feet, looking small and pitiful with her shoulders slumped, in extreme contrast to her earlier playful mirth.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked, trepidation twisting in him nauseatingly, making him feel painfully sober. He was keenly aware of his colleagues' eyes on the sides of their faces.

She rolled up onto the balls of her feet, once, twice, looking like she was having trouble figuring out the shape of the words she wanted to say. "Hey, sensei…" she began hesitantly. "Did you say that, um… you can have an STD, if you… if you touch someone's penis with your mouth…?" Kakashi's vision went red as he realized what she was talking about. "Or… or… if someone's… semen… touches your, um, vagina?"

Naruto flinched badly when his killing intent hit her, and Guy was instantly at his side, pulling him back with whispered admonishments to get himself under control. "Just—give me a second," he hissed, sucking in a breath through his nose, eyes shut against the headache blooming behind his temples. He visualized his anger like a thread tangled throughout his body, and imagined himself spooling it, listening to Kurenai assure Naruto that he was okay, and that he wasn't angry at her. The moment he thought he could, he broke away from Guy, eye on his girl, how she was hugging herself, shrinking away from Kurenai's attempts to hold her. "It's okay," he heard himself say as his hand cupped the back of her head and pulled her against himself. "It's okay, Naruto, it's going to be fine."

Her dainty arms wrapped around Kakashi's waist, and he wrapped one arm around her shoulders, petting her hair with his other hand. "I'm sorry," she sniffled into his chest. "I keep—I keep crying on you."

"Stop apologizing," he scolded her, with absolutely no heat. He could feel his friends looking at him, could feel their shock as he pulled her closer, but it didn't matter. Naruto was the only thing that mattered just then. "I'll take you to the clinic, okay? No big deal."

She sounded so small and fragile. "I k-keep making you mad, sensei."

He hushed her, pressed her head into his chest with the hand that had been petting her head. "You have done nothing wrong. You are not responsible for my anger. Understood?"

Kakashi felt her pull away and let her go, trying to smile reassuringly at her as their eyes met. He wasn't sure if he managed it, but she nodded. "Understood."

He made the mistake of looking up at his friends, catching a glance of their stunned, awed expressions, the look in their eyes that said they were looking at something heartbreaking yet unimaginably cute and unimaginably valuable as blackmail. He forced his gaze back down to Naruto's red-rimmed eyes, and prompted softly, "Do you want to go now, or wait until Monday?"

"The women's clinic on the corner takes walk -ns, and they're open every day," Kurenai supplied quietly, catching Naruto's attention for a brief moment.

The girl flushed, looking as though she had been hoping the other jōnin had disappeared. "I want to get it out of the way. You'll come with me?" The shape of the question was sweet, curving up at the end with a note of hope and trust that lured him in, pulled his defenses down.

"Yeah, I'll go." Kakashi lifted his chin, then, squaring his jaw and hardening his eyes until he felt like he wasn't wearing how much he loved Naruto so plain on his face. He locked eyes with Asuma. "Get started without me, I'll join you later."

"Kakashi… do you need—?"

"We're fine. Right, Naruto?" The girl nodded up to him, wiping at her eyes and straightening her posture just as he had done. It broke something inside him, but he didn't show it. "Let's go."