The anticipation was going to kill her, Naruto was absolutely sure of it. Over the next week, as they returned to their old routine and as the village adjusted to the return of two of its legendary sages, Kakashi had his hands on her constantly, as though needing continuous reassurance that she was there with him, and it was driving her mad, every lingering touch and intense look convincing her that it was finally going to happen, he was finally going to kiss her. But it just kept not happening.

Apparently, her sensei had picked the worst possible time to finally respect some modicum of her privacy and stop reading her journal. Really, she appreciated the sentiment, but it was rather inconvenient that he appeared to have stopped now. After all, there was no way he was reading her desperate pleas for him to hold her tight and kiss her senseless and just acting the same, was there? That would be crazy. It had to be that he simply wasn't reading it anymore.

Kakashi wasn't great at denying himself things he wanted, though, she knew that, not when it came to her. He tended to simply do whatever he wanted to her and around her and hope that she didn't protest. She hadn't picked up on it at first, but now she could recognize it at a pace, the way his shoulders stiffened and his jaw set as he steadfastly refused to acknowledge her until she indicated some kind of consent, causing him to relax back into normalcy. Naruto was therefore pretty sure that all she had to do was make it easier for him to read it. Plant a trap, if you will.

In the end, it was rather easy. As she sat across from him at breakfast, arguing over whether she'd under-salted the omelets she'd prepared (she absolutely had, and Kakashi was crazy for disagreeing), she casually wrote in her journal, as though just jotting down some thoughts about her day. Then she'd announced her plans to go spend time with her peers—"Be back in a couple hours, sensei!"—and left her journal on the table, practically about to catch fire from the intensity of the look the jōnin had fixed on it. It made Naruto's stomach jolt with jittery nervousness, and she left quickly, before he could catch her blush or the fact that her fingers were trembling. She barely heard him call out a distracted reminder that he needed to be at some policy vote that afternoon and would likely be gone when she came back, too focused on getting out of the door without arousing any suspicion.

It was all up to Kakashi now, she'd set the matter firmly in his hands and would have to wait and see what he did with it. The fluttery, panicky feeling intensified as she walked down the steps and out into the summer morning sunshine, until she was nearly sick with nerves, pausing to brace herself against them.

All at once and very belatedly, Naruto realized that there was going to be an after. Oh, fuck, maybe this was a bad idea. She froze on the street, wondering if she should turn back, but she couldn't, he was probably already reading. So instead she ran, overwhelmed with anxiety about what would happen after they kissed. After all, no matter how gentle and patient he was with her, how loving, he was still a grown man and Naruto was just a girl. He'd want and need things she couldn't give him, could barely understand. He'd want to touch her, she'd seen the way he looked at her body, he'd want to take her clothes off and—

Gods, she'd been so focused on wanting him to be her boyfriend that she'd forgotten she'd have to be his girlfriend, too. She had no idea what that meant, what it entailed, what would be expected of her… What if she fucked it up? What if he got bored of her? How had she not worried about this before? She knew she wouldn't be able to stand it if he kissed her and threw her away. It would break her into little tiny pieces and she'd never even be able to pick them all up, leave alone put them back together. No, she needed to play for keeps.

She needed Kakashi to keep her.

Naruto didn't realize where she was running to until Sakura's house came into view. Yes, that was what she needed, advice from someone who knew about boys and boyfriends and kissing and stuff. That would be ideal. She knew she had to play it carefully, though—everything would fall apart if too much scrutiny was placed on herself and her sensei. It wasn't right, what they felt for each other, and it needed to be a secret. So she needed to catch her breath, and play the part of a girl naively and only theoretically interested in male attention. Probably, Sakura would be so excited that she was expressing interest at all that she wouldn't question too closely who it was that had caught her eye.

When she felt relatively calm and collected, she raised her fist to knock on the door, something like relief flooding her when Sakura answered it with a curious expression and Ino looking over her shoulder. "Oh, thank the gods, you're here too, Ino. I have questions about boys."

Ino's pale eyes gleamed, and for a second, Naruto panicked, wishing desperately that she could put her words back in her mouth, but she needed to know, so she set her jaw and braced herself as the other blonde declared smugly, "You've come to the right place, then, haven't you?"

...

A few minutes later, Naruto found herself sitting cross-legged on Sakura's neatly made bed, clutching one of her small decorative pillows to her chest as the two other girls argued about what she needed to know. "—how to seduce a man and keep him wanting her, obviously," Ino was arguing. "Why else would she be asking so suddenly after years of expressing no interest whatsoever?"

"I don't know," Sakura stalled, her green gaze flickering towards Naruto. "She might just have some basic questions. Maybe puberty is finally kicking in and she's just generally interested."

"You've seen her tits, forehead, Naruto is clearly no stranger to puberty. No, something definitely happened. Hey, you." This last was directed at Naruto, who straightened her shoulders with wide eyes at finally being addressed. "What prompted this?"

Kakashi had been working with her on how to lie. The key was to stick as close to the truth as possible. "There was a boy," she admitted carefully, feeling her face burn bright red. "I met him while I was traveling." It was true that someone had shown interest in her while she was gone, a civilian boy a few years older than her who had cornered her in an alley and relentlessly hit on her until Jiraiya dragged him away. And yes, he'd been exceedingly cute and the entire interaction had made her stomach flutter, but she also wasn't really interested in him. "I won't see him again, but he, um, he wanted to kiss, and I said no because I didn't know how."

There, that would have to do. Both girls seemed convinced by her story, eyeing each other thoughtfully before Ino announced with amusement, "You're an idiot. You should have just asked him to teach you. Boys like to feel like they know things you don't, and they like it when you haven't done anything before. I've had lots of 'first ever' kisses, they're great."

"But what are you supposed to do?" Naruto pressed, anxious. Kakashi was constantly teaching her, surely he was too tired of it to want to teach her about kissing and stuff, too?

Sakura sat down near Naruto, and set a friendly hand on her knee, covered in her usual black pants. "Just try to move your lips, it'll start feeling natural pretty quickly. If he's a good guy, it won't matter if you aren't good at it at first. He'll be patient." Kakashi was definitely a good guy, and she couldn't imagine him not being patient with her…

"Do you need other tips?" Ino's smirk was roguish. "Maybe how to give a good blowjob?"

"I already know how to—"

Naruto cut herself off, freezing in place at her accidental admission as her fists clenched in the pillow and her eyes dropped resolutely to the bed in front of her. The remembered feeling made her wipe compulsively at her mouth, and her throat grew tight. There was a moment of absolute stillness, and then Sakura shifted to sit next to her and wrap her arm around Naruto's shoulder, while Ino sat sideways on the bed in front of her. Her eyes were burning by the time Ino told her softly, "It's okay, Naruto. It's not going to be like that, I promise. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"S'okay," Naruto assured her quietly. "Maybe this is stupid. Who would want to kiss…?"

Sakura's arm tightened around her, and her words left absolutely no room for argument as she insisted, "No, quit it. You are beautiful and kind and none of what happened to you changes your value as a human being, or a potential girlfriend, either. It doesn't matter. Any boy would be lucky to kiss you. Or girl, for that matter."

Naruto's easily distracted brain briefly lighted upon the novel idea that she, personally, could kiss a girl. The idea brought unexpected butterflies to her stomach, and she resolutely pushed the whole thing away, unable to deal with a possible attraction to girls when she was trying to deal with her attraction to boys—well, one boy in particular. One man in particular. She refocused herself on the issue at hand, and how warm her friend's kind words made her feel. "Thank you guys," she told her lap. Then, looking between them shyly, "What's it like, to have a boyfriend?"

Ino seemed delighted by this question, bouncing her weight a little on Sakura's mattress and making it creak as she began, "Well, first off, it's awesome. They buy you things, and tell you that you're pretty, and they cuddle you, and give you flowers and take you out on dates… it's great, you're going to love it."

… Huh. Apart from the flowers, Kakashi already kind of did all of that. Did going out for ramen count as a date…?

"Then when you're older," Sakura added informatively, "You have sleepovers, and get more intimate." Ah, fuck, they were already doing that, too. Was sensei already her boyfriend? "But the main thing is that when it's serious, they're your partner. You take care of each other, and make decisions together, and just kind of… generally tackle the world together."

Yes, that was it exactly. She and Kakashi were tackling the world together. That's how it felt. She could feel herself blushing, and braced herself for mockery, but none came, only friendly, encouraging smiles. A feeling of security washed over her on the heels of a tide of affection for her friends, and she felt so safe as she asked, "How do you be a good girlfriend, then?"

"Be hot and make out with them a bunch, mostly," Ino supplied flippantly, flicking her hair over her shoulder with a smug look on her face that make Sakura groan next to her.

"No, Ino-pig, that's not good advice," she argued. Then, more gentle towards Naruto, she explained, "Boys need someone that they can be emotional and vulnerable around. You gotta make it safe for them to feel things. Be supportive. And mom says if you really want to keep a man, you have to take care of them, make their doctor's appointments, feed them, and do their laundry."

Well, really, that sorted it. Kakashi was clearly already her boyfriend.

…

Kakashi had been pacing for fifteen minutes, and was no closer to resolving the conflict waging within him. The issue was that Naruto had been so damned sweet to him, forgiving him, coming back to him, letting him hold her far more than usual. How could he betray her? How could he possibly break her trust? It was wrong and twisted and fucked up. He had to stop.

But the journal was still staring back at him from the table. How precious, that she trusted him enough to just leave it there in their shared space, like he'd never even think about opening it up and digging through her thoughts. It was so sweet it nauseated him. His fingertips skimmed the little embroidered daisy on the cover, then flinched back as though burned.

"I can't," he told the journal. "I really can't." It failed to respond in any meaningful way, simply continuing to exist on his dining table. He wished desperately that it would stop as he stood in front of it, bracketed it with his palms pressed flat on the wood to either side of it. "I'm horrible," he groaned in a whisper, brushing the edge of the spine with his thumb. "Horrible. Horrible for her. Should be ashamed… Ought to walk away." Regret and nausea burned in his gut, but nowhere near as intensely as his need to bury his nose in Naruto's thoughts.

Was reading her journal a forgivable offense? Was it worse than keeping her parents' identity and his relationship to them from her? Something like anxiety twisted in his abdomen at the thought of Naruto discovering the all-consuming crushes he'd had on her mother and father, but that was irrational, no one knew about that except for him. She'd never find out unless he told her, and he was sure as shit never going to tell her.

It would be easier to ignore her journal if it weren't for how profoundly Kakashi needed to know what she thought of their almost-kiss the night of the festival. Had it frightened her? Had she wanted it, been hoping for it? Had she noticed what was happening at all?

Suddenly, Naruto's diary was in his hands, his fingertips grazing the edges of the worn pages, and he had no recollection whatsoever of picking it up. "Gods, Naruto," he murmured, cracking open the cover with his thumb. "I'm so sorry."

…

So much has happened, Daisy. The Sandaime died, that should probably be first. I dunno how I feel about it. Our last conversation was awful, & he was kind of my father & kind of not, & either way he wasn't very good to me, but he was still better than anyone else for the first eight or nine years of my life. At least he made sure I always had something to eat.

I stood way in the back at the funeral, & weirdly, Asuma-sensei was next to me. I thought maybe he should have been up at the front, but he looked like he didn't want to be there at all. He hugged me & said that the Sandaime was a bad father to us both. I wonder if he agrees with sensei that he's a little bit responsible for what happened to me.

But the Sandaime is dead & I'm alive so

Anyway. Anyway. Sensei Kakashi & I had a weird moment at the festival. I thought he was finally going to kiss me, & maybe he would have if we hadn't gotten distracted by the festival shutting down, but in the end, he didn't, & now he's gone away on a mission & I miss him. I miss him so much. I hope he knows that I want him to kiss me, that I think he's the most handsome man I've ever seen.

Worked in Hokage tower for a few days, mostly running documents back & forth. Wiggled out of being a secretary b/c Sasuke can't keep his dumb mouth shut. Lonely at the apartment.

…

Nightmares are back. Wish Kakashi was here. His bed is too big without him in it.

Started back to training. I think we aren't supposed to but we're sticking to safe things to work on, no sparring & no dangerous jutsu. Hopefully sensei won't mind.

…

Fell while trying to walk up the tree again. Hit my head pretty good. Kakashi would have flipped out if he'd seen how hard I hit the ground. Always feel so special & warm inside when he worries about me.

…

I miss Kakashi so much I started reading one of his dirty books. It's called Itchy Itchy Tie Me Up or something like that. Lots of his books are about tying people up. I don't think I get it, but I'd let him. Especially if

It's about a woman who wants to get tied up so bad she cheats on her shitty husband about it. Reading it makes me feel

Sometimes it's too embarrassing to keep reading.

Rained today. Hope he's warm & dry.

…

I had another dream that Kakashi kissed me. I wish he really would. Kept thinking about it all during lessons, couldn't concentrate a bit. I have no idea what Kurenai-sensei's lecture was about. Nutrition, maybe? Who cares, I already know how to cook, & ramen is all anybody really needs anyway.

Hung out with Sakura & Sasuke after. I think they miss sensei, too.

…

I'm getting pretty good at hitting the target with my kunai. Sasuke said I throw like a girl & Sakura clocked him in the kidney for it. She should do it more often, shut him right up.

…

I should have washed the sheets today but I don't want them to stop smelling like Kakashi.

…

We practiced standing on the water again today. Sasuke basically has it down as well as Sakura now. I don't get why it's so hard for me.

…

Dreamt about sensei again. He's so handsome. I want to touch him. I really do think he was going to kiss me that night on the monument. I wish he did. I wish he wanted to be my boyfriend.

…

I don't even know where to begin. It's too much. I'm writing this a few miles outside the village, listening to a weirdo named Jiraiya snore like an elephant. He's taking me to go find some old lady who's going to be the next Hokage. He says he's my godfather, & he knew my parents. He says everyone older than me knows who my parents were. Even Iruka-sensei & Kakashi.

My dad was Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime. My mother was his wife, Uzumaki Kushina. I had no idea that her last name was the same as mine, no one ever told me that. No one ever told me anything, I guess.

I can't believe he lied to

…

Jiraiya says my mother was funny & stubborn, like me. I wish someone would show me pictures of her. He keeps saying she was beautiful.

He's kind of a pervert. I don't think I like him. But the way he explains things makes more sense than when the academy teachers explained it.

I tried some new type of fruit today. Can't remember what they were called, but they were really really good.

…

Jiraiya fixed my seal or something, & now chakra control is coming easily to me. Feels like cheating. But I'm not complaining, believe it! This is awesome!

…

Caught Jiraiya peeping on some girls. I didn't

I feel so guilty.

…

Tired. Beginning to think that this Tsunade person doesn't even exist. Sick of cooking over a fire for ero-sennin. I wanna go home. I'm not mad at sensei anymore. Jiraiya explained that the consequences for telling me would have been pretty bad. I know he would have told me if he could.

…

Confronted the old pervert. He seems like he's genuinely ashamed of himself, he burned all his creep shots. Beginning to think he actually loves cares about me. He said he wished he'd raised me. I don't know how to

Learning rasengan. It's exhausting.

…

Gods I was going to write something but I'm so tired I forgot what it was. Jiraiya is good at keeping me busy. We're only a few days behind Tsunade now.

…

Got thrown off a cliff, summoned a giant toad, wrestled him. Still no Tsunade. I wanna go home. Ero-sennin keeps making fun of my hair. I should probably make Kakashi teach me how to braid it, even though I still want him to do it. I'd cut it all off if I didn't think it would make him sad.

Tomorrow we're going to

…

Sorry it's been so long. Jiraiya noticed me writing to you & seems to think you need to be destroyed. Security flaw, he called it. So I've been keeping you hidden even though he's probably right. At the very least, I shouldn't be taking my journal on missions I don't think. I usually don't anyway, I just couldn't

We found Tsunade. It was a hassle, & I got hurt, but she's agreed to come with us & be the Godaime. She's very pretty & I like her a lot. Plus she brings out a very sweet & genuine side of the old pervert.

We're on our way home. I hope Kakashi kisses me when he sees me. I hope he misses me like I miss him.

…

It's so good to be home. Iruka-sensei was really mad I left without saying goodbye. People seem excited about Baa-chan becoming the Hokage. I'm kind of excited to see a woman Hokage, to be honest.

I hadn't slept that well in so, so long. It's so nice when sensei holds me against his chest. Could stay there forever.

…

Kakashi keeps touching me & giving me these weird, long looks, with his eye all hooded & dark. It's driving me crazy. It really seems like he wants to kiss me. Maybe I was wrong, though.

Getting back to training has been nice. Sensei seems really pleased with the progress I made traveling with ero-sennin. The teme looked like he'd eaten a lemon when he saw my rasengan right after showing off his chidori.

…

Saw Jiraiya today. It was sort of funny, he complimented me on 'finally doing my hair nicely.' Wonder what he'd say if I told him Kakashi straightened it for me.

It always surprises me how much he seems to like my hair. I can tell he wants to pet me like he did when he was drunk. I'd let him. Gods, I'd let him.

…

Baa-chan is officially the Hokage. The parade was fun, but her speech about bureaucratic transparency was a little boring.

…

If he doesn't kiss me soon I'm going to scream. Who holds a girl, tucks her hair behind her ear, & then WALKS AWAY?

…

Kakashi, you idiot, I know you're reading this, just kiss me already.

A/N: This is the end of arc 1. From now on, this story doesn't meet FFN's content guidelines! To continue reading Arc 2: His click here.