Author's Note: You can basically track my FOP watch-through journey with each of these fics. As always, enjoy!
Disclaimer: The Fairly OddParents © Nickelodeon
"Ah, gym class," said Timmy, sporting a green Cosmo-disguised sweatband as he walked into the gymnasium with Chloe, who carried a pink Wanda-disguised gym bag. "The one period where I get to forget about my soul-crushing academic failures and instead focus on my awesome athletic abilities."
"But Timmy, I've never seen you do anything athletic," said Chloe. "Unless you count running away to avoid a life-threatening situation. Which seems to happen a lot, now that I think about it."
"Running really fast is in the Turner DNA," said Timmy with his hands on his hips, only to cup one of them to the side of his mouth as he added in a softer voice, "Plus, it helps to have magical fairy godparents who can give you super speed and agility so you can show off to your classmates."
Chloe gasped in horror. "But that's cheating!"
"No, no, it's totally okay to use magic as long is it's not to win a competition," said Timmy. "You know, you really ought to brush up on Da Rules, Little Miss Virtuous."
"'Virtuous?'" repeated Chloe in disbelief, only for her face to brighten as her hands shook with excitement. "Ooh, you've been using that pocket thesaurus I gave you. I'm so proud!"
"Okay, don't make me start to regret it," said Timmy, before adding almost reluctantly, "or, you know, bemoan, lament, whatever, you get the idea."
"Wow, sport, I'm impressed," commented gym bag Wanda, hanging near Chloe's hip. "Willingly improving your vocabulary? Seems like Chloe's good habits are rubbing off on you."
"WHAT?" Timmy shrieked at the top of his lungs. "They so are not. In fact, I'll prove it right now by making a totally obnoxious, self-serving wish that only benefits me."
"Ha, good one, Timmy! As if you don't already do that every single day," said sweatband Cosmo, wrapped around Timmy's forehead. Timmy glared up at him and flicked the middle of his forehead with his thumb and index finger, making them both yelp out in pain.
"Ow! Darn it, I did not think that through," said Timmy.
"What do you know, turns out we can still count on the same short-sighted Timmy after all," said Wanda, to which Chloe covered up a smile.
"Hey, don't mock me!" said Timmy, pointing at Wanda. "Also known as tease, ridicule, taunt…" He dropped his hand, along with his shoulders. "Wow. It's weirdly difficult to stop listing synonyms." He shook his head and held up his hand once more. "Now then, onto the recklessly selfish wishing. Cosmo, Wanda, I wish I was the fastest kid in—"
Just then, the gymnasium doors burst in, and in walked the gym teacher with a grandiose wave.
"Hello, students!" said none other than Mr. Bickles, grinning ear to ear. He wore a white t-shirt and red gym shorts with a silver whistle hanging around his neck. "We're going to have so much fun today. Look, I even get a whistle!"
"Mr. Bickles?" said Timmy in confusion. "Since when are you our gym teacher?"
"Since your usual gym teacher was put on administrative leave after asking for a raise," said Mr. Bickles, only to catch himself. "Whoops, probably shouldn't have shared that. No matter. Thankfully, it now gives me the opportunity to live out my new dream of being an elementary school gym teacher with his very own whistle."
"You ought to dream bigger," said one of the scrawny kids with glasses.
"I'm making you compete first," said Mr. Bickles in a deadpan voice.
"Wait a minute. What do you mean 'compete?'" asked Timmy.
Mr. Bickles instantly brightened again. "Well, Timmy fashion-defying Turner. Seriously, look at you, rocking a pink hat with a green sweatband. I love it, so chic. Anyway, it seems your old gym teacher neglected to inform all of you that today is a super duper important fitness test. The competition part is that any kid who can't successfully complete it will have to re-take the test in summer school!"
"SUMMER SCHOOL?" the kids all shouted in a panicked chorus, which only made Mr. Bickles smile even wider.
"Ooh, what perfect harmony," he said with his hands clasped together in pride. "I hope you all bring that talent to today's events. First is sit ups! You each have to complete ten in a row. I know you can do it! Well, some of you, at least. Now, everybody pair up while I polish my already shiny whistle."
As the kids broke off into pairs, Timmy put his hands to his forehead.
"There's no way I can do this without magic!"
"Ow!" shouted Cosmo as Timmy tugged at the sweatband, stretching him in opposite directions. "Timmy, please, I can't stretch that far. You know I don't work out!"
"Aw, it's okay, sweetie," said Wanda. "I can tag in as the sweatband if you want."
"Ooh, okay, then I could be a bowling ball!" said Cosmo.
"There aren't any bowling balls in gym class, Cosmo," said Timmy in frustration.
"Well, fine, then I'll be a bowling pin," said Cosmo, and he poofed off of Timmy's forehead only to re-appear as a green bowling pin. "Strike, you're out."
"Strikes are actually good in bowling," corrected Chloe. "They're bad in baseball."
"Wow," said Cosmo, "it's a good thing I don't have to take a fitness test 'cause I'd fail for sure!"
"Oh, boy," said Wanda with a sigh. "Why do I get the horrible feeling you just jinxed—"
Both the gym bag Wanda and the bowling pin Cosmo suddenly poofed away.
"Uh oh," said Timmy, "Cosmo must've gotten himself into some sort of stupid trouble again. But we can't worry about that now because we have to focus on passing this annoying test or risk summer school, which is an oxymoron!"
"Don't fret, Timmy, we can get through this test without magic," said Chloe. "All we need is a can-do attitude. Now, come on, I'll spot you for your sit ups."
22 seconds later…
Timmy groaned in agony as he struggled to lift himself off the ground to reach his knees. He collapsed with his arms sprawled out on either side of him as he gasped for air.
"Okay, that was…a solid first attempt," said Chloe, who was pressing her hands to the toes of his sneakers to hold him in place.
"I think…I might barf," panted Timmy. "Puke. Regurgitate."
"Ooh, a four-syllable word, very nice," said Chloe with a grin.
Mr. Bickles walked over, glancing down at Timmy with an unimpressed look on his face. "Uh oh, Timmy Turner, you'd better hurry up if you want to avoid summer school. So slap back on your smiling green sweatband and get to work, mister."
He trotted off to another pair of kids, while Timmy stayed lying on the ground.
"Yeah, I'm clearly doomed to fail here. You're better off completing this test without me, Chloe."
"No, I won't let you give up. I know you have what it takes to pass. We just have to figure out what motivates you."
"Well, usually it's the chance to be a big shot in front of our classmates with the help of magic, but we don't even have our fair—uhhh, I mean…fitness equipment."
"Oh, I hope they're okay," said Chloe with a worried frown. "Who do you think summoned them, anyway?"
Jorgen stood stoically in Fairy World when Cosmo and Wanda poofed before him. Wanda took one look at the stern expression on his face and asked, "Okay, what did Cosmo do now?"
"This time, it's not what he did, it's what he didn't do," said Jorgen. "And same goes for you, since the of two you are a godparenting team. You both need to complete your century required fairy godparent fitness test, and the deadline is today. If you don't pass, you'll both have to go back to the Fairy Academy."
"Ooh, I love the Fairy Academy," said Cosmo. "It's where I discovered my life's purpose. And also where I learned that a lot of things don't float. Like cheeseburgers. Speaking of, now I'm hungry. Let's go get some tacos, Wanda!"
"Hang on," said Wanda, floating to Jorgen. "You waited until the last possible day to tell us we had to complete this test without any prior notice? Do you get some sort of sick, twisted pleasure in making our lives unnecessarily difficult?"
"I know you already know the answer to that question," said Jorgen. "Anyway…you'd better get a move on. I'll be watching you two complete the obstacle course from the comfort of a massage chair at the nail spa. I like to pamper myself with a pedicure every now and then. Tell anyone that and I'll automatically fail you! Best of luck."
Brandishing his giant wand, he poofed them to the obstacle course, and Wanda immediately grabbed Cosmo by the shoulders.
"Cosmo, I'm going to need you to do your best to focus so we can complete this course as quickly as possible and get back to Timmy and Chloe."
"Don't worry, Wanda, we've completed this course before and we can do it again," said Cosmo with a smile, which dropped from his face as he tapped a finger to his cheek. "Of course, it has been a hundred years. A lot's happened since then. Like the birth of our son, I wanna say…Cornwallis? And now he's away at school and we're empty-nesters. Ooh, I know, let's poof into birds and build a nest!"
"That was an almost fully accurate summary, which is impressive, but we don't have time for that!" said Wanda, and she waved her wand, poofing them to the starting line. "Now, remember, this course requires us to think fast and use our magic to poof away any potential dangers that arise. So, as always…"
"Follow your lead," finished Cosmo. "That's one of the few things I don't need a reminder for. That and our godkids, the dumb one and the smart one. What a mismatched pair. You gotta feel bad for the smart one always having to put up with the dumb one's antics. Anyway, let's go!"
Cosmo took Wanda's hand, and they were off.
"See, Timmy, I knew you could complete those sit ups with the right motivation," said Chloe, lined up with the rest of the kids for the next event of the fitness test.
"Yeah, it's a good thing you had that emergency cheese stick in your backpack," said Timmy. "And of course you managed to do all those sit ups without even breaking a sweat. I'd be impressed if I wasn't so jealous of your natural ability to succeed at everything."
"I still appreciate the compliment," said Chloe. "Even if it is shrouded in your deeply-rooted insecurity."
"Okay, students, now it's time for the 100-meter dash, which is just three laps around the gym, so once again, you can do it!" said Mr. Bickles. "And if you can't, just think about how much worse it'll be to have to re-take this test in the sweltering heat of summer while everyone else is outside enjoying themselves."
"Ugh, I stink at running," said Timmy. "The only time I've ever won a race was when I filled in for my dad in the '70s, and even then I only won 'cause I had heat vision, and…I realize I must sound completely crazy to you."
"Ordinarily, yes," said Chloe, "but I can piece together the missing information in the form of a certain pink and green magical duo. You think they'll be back soon?"
"Only if the green one doesn't prevent the pink one from getting them out of whatever trouble they're in, which is highly unlikely."
Mr. Bickles blew into his whistle. "Go, students!"
They all took off at varying levels of speed with Timmy falling behind in a matter of seconds, while Chloe was quick to take the lead in front of everyone.
"Gah, c'mon, Turner, this is pathetic," muttered Timmy to himself. "Let's see… All I gotta do is figure out a way to kick in my adrenaline by pretending I'm running from something dangerous. Like a grizzly bear. Or an escaped convict. Or maybe even a—"
"Giant leprechaun, which is an oxymoron!" shouted Cosmo. He held up his wand and poofed in a pot of gold, which the leprechaun scooped up in his massive palm.
"Nice one, Cosmo," said Wanda as the two of them flew past the happy leprechaun. "Also, great job at knowing what an oxymoron is."
"How could I not?" asked Cosmo. "It's got the word 'moron' in it, and that's my specialty."
"In any case, we're making really good time," said Wanda. "Although, I seem to recall that at some point during this course there's a—GIGANTIC BUTTERFLY NET!"
They both screamed as the oversized net swung down on them, though just before it could enclose around them, Cosmo raised his wand and—POOF!—a Venus flytrap took their place.
"Eat that, butterfly net!" said Cosmo, shaking his fist at the massive net.
"Wow, honey, you're crushing this course this time around," said Wanda. "Clearly all of those life-threatening adventures we've been on in the past year alone have helped sharpen your reflexes."
"Acting on impulse is another one of my specialties," said Cosmo. "Which reminds me, I think we're ready to discuss having another baby. And hopefully we could have a girl this time 'cause I love playing dress up."
"I know you do, but let's get into all of that after we finish this course," said Wanda as they zipped off toward the next ridiculous hurdle that awaited.
"Great job, everyone, I knew you could do it!" said Mr. Bickles, though none of the students seemed to have that same enthusiasm as they all stood around collecting their breaths.
"See, Timmy, that wasn't so bad, was it?" asked Chloe, cheerful as ever and not even remotely winded.
"I guess not," said Timmy. "It helped that I got myself to run faster by pretending I was running away from Mr. Crocker chasing after me in his unsuspecting van. Which has happened on one too many occasions."
"Yeah, that's really concerning," said Chloe.
"Okay, students," said Mr. Bickles. "There's just one event left of the fitness test. Isn't that exciting?"
"No," said all the kids in unison.
"I love how in tune you all are," said Mr. Bickles. "Anywho, last part of the test is that you each have to climb to the tippy top of this rope here. Break a leg! That means 'good luck' in the theater world, so please don't take that literally."
"Oh, no, not rope climbing!" said Chloe in a sudden surge of panic, clutching her hands to the side of her head.
"Wait, now you're freaking out?" asked Timmy with a raised brow. "Are you scared of heights or something?"
"No, but I am dreadfully terrified of ropes," said Chloe. "I'd lose it every single time my classmates would play Double Dutch during recess with those sinister-looking jump ropes."
"You're joking," said Timmy.
Chloe grabbed Timmy by the shirt. "Do you think I'd joke about something so humiliating?"
"Easy there, Antsy Nancy," said Timmy, taking her hands and removing them from his shirt. "No need to get all anxious. Or, wait, hold on…" He took out his pocket thesaurus and flipped through it. "Let's see…apprehensive, distressed, nervous, uneasy…"
"Listing synonyms for 'anxious' is only making me feel more anxious!"
"Right, sorry," said Timmy. He shut the book and slipped it back into his pocket. "Anyway, all you gotta do is pretend the rope is something else, like a mega-sized piece of licorice, or the world's biggest mozzarella stick, or—"
"A long, braided unicorn tail!" said Chloe in a newfound rush of excitement.
"Sure, whatever works for you," said Timmy with a shrug.
"Or, even better, a huge jungle vine, and I could pretend to be a part of our beloved monkey brethren, swinging freely from tree to tree," said Chloe, getting swept up in her imagination.
"Wow, that scenario has Cosmo written all over it," said Timmy. "I hope he and Wanda make it back soon."
Cosmo and Wanda emerged from a tank filled with marshmallows and strawberry jam.
"This fairy godparent fitness test sure has gotten a lot more random since the last time we had to take it," said Wanda, waving her wand to poof the jam and marshmallows off of them. "On the bright side, at least we're almost finished."
"Yay, that means we can go back to our godkids, the average one and the girl who likes monkeys almost as much as I do."
"I'd be scared to meet the person who likes monkeys more than you do," said Wanda.
"You and me both, baby," said Cosmo.
As they neared the finish line, Juandissimo suddenly poofed into their path, flashing a handsome grin. They both came to a halt.
"Juandissimo, what are you doing here?" asked Wanda.
"I found out you and your inferior husband had to complete this course today, so naturally I volunteered my sexy self to be part of the final challenge."
"That doesn't really seem fair," said Wanda.
"Exactamente," said Juandissimo, flexing his biceps and tearing his shirt, which magically reappeared on his body as it always did. "Never gets old, you agree, sí?"
"You have no idea how tempted I am to forfeit this last challenge without even learning what it is," said Wanda. "But we've come this far, so you might as well tell us what we have to do so we can finally be done with this."
"I know you already know what the challenge is, amor mío," said Juandissimo.
"Oh, I know what it is," said Cosmo, stepping in and holding up his wand. "Do you mind if I make you a monkey first?"
"¿Perdóname?"
Cosmo's wand glowed and—MONKEY POOF!—Juandissimo turned into a fuzzy chimpanzee.
"No, this is not part of it!" said Juandissimo. "The challenge is that you're supposed to kiss me."
"Yeah, well, there's no way I'm gonna kiss you unless you're a monkey," said Cosmo.
"Ay, no, Cosmo, I didn't mean you," said Juandissimo. "I obviously meant Wanda."
"Except Wanda and I are a team, so it doesn't matter which one of us does it," said Cosmo in a rare moment of logic. "And if you think I'm gonna let my wife kiss her hunky monkey ex-boyfriend, you're even dumber than I am, which would be insulting because no one's dumber than I am. Now, pucker up, monkey boy!"
"Noooooooo!"
"Noooooooo, I can't do this, I can't do this!" said Chloe the second she reached for the rope.
"Yes, you can," said Timmy. "I'm a total weakling and I made it up there by pretending I was a superhero whose boring yet necessary superpower is to climb ropes. You just need to pretend you're a monkey climbing a tree, remember?"
"Right," said Chloe. "Maybe I'll pretend to be a capuchin monkey. They use their tails to swing from tree to tree. Actually, no, that doesn't really work in this situation."
"Better hurry up, Chloe Carmichael," said Mr. Bickles. "There's only a few more minutes left of gym class, and you're the only one who hasn't climbed the rope."
"C'mon, Chloe, you've got this," said Timmy. "Why don't you try pretending you're a squirrel? Squirrels love climbing trees."
"Of course," said Chloe. "In this moment, I'm no longer a girl, but a squirrel. A girl squirrel who can twirl and hurl—GAH, why am I pointlessly rhyming? Focus, Carmichael!"
"Uh, just so you know," said Timmy, "this whole nervous breakdown thing you've got going on right now, that's a total Timmy Turner trait right there."
Chloe's eyes widened. "Oh, no. That means your habits are rubbing off on me, too. Which means I've inadvertently taken a step towards…becoming average." With a fire igniting in her, she grabbed the rope and started to climb. "Must…maintain…perfection!"
The kids all watched with bated breath as Chloe ascended higher and higher until she reached the top of the rope, and she squealed in delight as they all cheered for her. She slid back down, landing on her feet with a triumphant grin.
"I did it!" said Chloe. "Turns out my biggest motivator is my obsessive need to avoid even the slightest prospect of failure."
"Great job, Chloe, and to all of you," said Mr. Bickles. "No one will have to re-take this test in summer school. I sure am amazing at teaching gym, aren't I? All I had to do was occasionally pop in and remind you of the stakes without any guidance whatsoever. This turned out even better than I could've dreamed." He blew into his whistle once more. "Dismissed!"
"Thanks for motivating me, Timmy," said Chloe as the two of them headed for the doors. "I wouldn't have passed if it weren't for you."
"Same here, Chloe," said Timmy. "Turns out you were right. We were able to get through the test without magic."
"It's just too bad Cosmo and Wanda weren't here to see what a great job we did."
"I know, I always miss them when they're not around."
"Awww, we missed you, too, Timmy and Chloe!" said Cosmo, his voice a bit muffled, but still sounding pretty close.
Timmy furrowed his brows and reached into his pocket for his thesaurus, on the cover of which were Cosmo and Wanda. "Hey, guys, where the heck have you been?"
"Well," began Cosmo, "Jorgen summoned us to Fairy World to complete a required fairy godparent fitness test, and then he went off to get a pedicure, and Wanda and I had to do all these silly challenges in this nonsensical obstacle course that ended with me kissing a monkey."
Timmy and Chloe blinked, exchanging a confused glance.
"He didn't make any of that up, it really did all happen," said Wanda, and she smiled affectionately at Cosmo. "Best teammate I could ask for."
"Only 'cause I have the best teammate," said Cosmo.
They shared a kiss, though only a second after their lips met, Wanda drew back, spitting out tufts of hair.
"Whoops, sorry," said Cosmo. "Monkey fur."
"And I'll just file that under the growing list of disturbing images I'll never unsee," said Timmy.
"You won't understand until you have to kiss a monkey for your wife someday," said Cosmo.
"Aw," said Chloe. "That's both romantic and extremely weird."
"That's his specialty," said Wanda. "By the way, sport, you never got to finish making your recklessly selfish wish earlier."
"And as much as I enjoy doing that, I think I have a wish that everyone will appreciate," said Timmy. "I wish it were all-you-can-eat pizza day in the cafeteria."
"Ooh, and ice cream, too, please and thank you," said Chloe. "I know I don't need the sugar, but we've earned it."
"I'm with you there," said Timmy. "Except for the please and thank you part. As much as your good habits may be rubbing off on me, being polite will never be one of them. Or, uh…" He opened the thesaurus. "Considerate, courteous, gracious, respectful, well-mannered…"
"Wow, Timmy, good job listing words that are the total opposite of you," said Cosmo. When Timmy closed the book to scowl at him, he let out a nervous laugh. "I mean, wish granted!"
And they raised their glowing wands.
Author's Note: Timmy and Chloe are fun to write for haha. I wanted to lean into the wackiness of later-seasons FOP yet still retain the dynamic of earlier-seasons Cosmo & Wanda so hopefully I found a good balance. Thanks for reading, and please let me know your thoughts! :)