He had a feeling he would fail eventually- just not like this.
All the fears he'd imagined on their journey, all his attempts not to repeat past mistakes, and he couldn't see this coming. Sokka walked away and paced in the grass, wondering what to do next. He mulled over his options. They were camped out on one of the thicker stretches of the Serpents Pass, but that wasn't much room. He was going to have to face Suki again sooner or later.
Things were going well, why did I have to push her away like that?
He knew the answer. That's why he kept his eyes glued to the ground.
Sokka let the silence surround him if only for a moment.
Is this a betrayal to her? To her memory? What about Suki? She had nothing to do with this. Why should she have to deal with this?
He was still pacing when he heard his sister's voice. He remembered her offer from a few weeks ago. Maybe now would be a good time- he could use a second opinion on this.
He walked up beside her, "Are you still up for a talk right now?"
"Sokka?" Katara looked over at him, then off into the distance where Aang was, then back at Sokka, before standing up. "Yeah, now's as good a time as any."
The two siblings went off on their own until they were a little out of earshot before Sokka said anything. "Well I was just talking to Suki, but I sorta pushed her away. It wasn't awkward, just strange? I don't know how to go back and face her again."
Katara cocked her head to the side while furrowing her eyebrows, "I thought you were happy to see her?"
"And I am! It's just sometimes- I think one thing but do something else, and with the way I acted today, maybe she got the opposite impression." Sokka rubbed the back of his neck, still tilting his head downward.
"Well you could just tell her that. Then she'd know to expect it."
"All of that? I don't know how to put that into words."
She laughed, "You just did."
Katara paused for a moment, concentrating on the right words of her own, "Well it doesn't need to be everything. But for now, just tell her that something happened, and that it isn't anyone's fault."
Sokka reflected on his sister's advice. In a way, he'd already completed it. He already mentioned losing someone in the North Pole. Was that explanation enough? Maybe if he tried talking to her again in the morning, he could clear this up between them. It had taken a while before it struck Sokka that Katara had been drifting off in her own thoughts this whole time. He was only half paying attention, but she was always there for them, so maybe it was time to return the favor.
"What about you?"
"Me?" Katara raised an eyebrow.
"Sure, you listen to me ramble all the time. I may not have any good advice, but I can at least listen."
Katara let out a sigh and decided to take the opportunity to open up about what just happened. "Well, I was just talking to Aang. He hasn't been holding up well. I tried getting him to open up about what we're doing here. I know losing Appa has been harder on him than any of us, but . . . I still wish there was there something I could do to help. It never really feels like I can do enough." That last statement was much quieter, as though she wasn't sure whether or not to share it.
Sokka thought back to all the times, even before they'd gone off with Aang, that he'd said things like that himself. How he'd made her feel like she wasn't good enough just because she'd been born a girl. He still wasn't sure about what he wanted to tell Suki, but for right now, he knew exactly what he wanted to say to his sister.
"Katara, you've already helped. A lot." He hesitated before adding, "You saved us back there, in the desert."
She seemed surprised by his comment, "Really? I mean, I like to think we'd have gotten out of there some way or other."
"Really. We wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you. And- I'm sorry for making you feel like what you're doing isn't enough."
She smiled at her brother, "Thank you, and since we're on the subject you do a lot for the team too. You come up with strategies and keep us on track. It's kind of crazy- Our purpose after meeting Aang has totally changed."
"Yeah it really has." He didn't let that sit long beofre saying, "I just didn't want you thinking I didn't appreciate you being here."
"Sokka, we're siblings. That's just a given." She elbowed his arm and stood up, the siblings walking back with newfound conviction.
Sokka awoke early the next morning, with a clear head and fresh parchment, ready to get to work.
Letter to Yue,
Before I started writing, I used to try and hide from these thoughts. I wasn't sure I'd be ready to face them yet, or ever really. I'm worried that I've moved on too quickly, what with reuniting with Suki, but in a general sense too. We're still traveling the world which is what I would've done anyways had you not left. It's easy to distract myself when the surrondings and challenges I face are always changing, always moving. Anything else to focus on in order to get away from this feeling- this grief mixed with guilt. Or is it mostly guilt? And then I'm reminded of the fact that you're not the first person to go nor will you be the last. What am I seriously going to do if I lose someone else? Who do I want to be before I die?
Before we left the North Pole, you're father said you'd mentioned me to him. He told me that you knew I was going to be somebody. When he said that, I didn't know what to think. You believed in me when I'm not even sure of myself. What did you see in me that could've made you so sure? I thought you must've built up an inaccurate idea of me or your dad just wanted to make me feel better. But whatever it was, I still want to live up to that idea.
All of that got me thinking, what do I want my purpose to be? Before we met Aang I didn't have any besides defeding our tribe. Now, we have Aang. Of all the people in the world, Katara and I found Aang in that iceberg. He can restore balance to the world. We're traveling the world as he trains to master the elements. Because of all that, I met you. I don't want to waste a second. Katara always believed in Aang, even before we met. Now I believe in him too. So -when- not if, -when- this war is over, I'm going to make something of myself. We'll need to rebuild our tribe, yours, the Earth Kingdom, the whole world really. And we're going to need a plan. Just because I've left the North Pole, doesn't mean you'll ever leave me. I'm going to be somebody, and I know you'll be watching. I hope I make you proud.
Just looking at the moon each night brings back your memory, and I knew I was going to have to face it eventually. And for now, I think I can be okay with that.
Eyes to the sky, Sokka
He had brought all the previous letters with him, and he took them out to examine them all together. These weren't just his thoughts anymore; now they were tangible, not just trapped inside his head. After being at a loss for months, writing had helped him fill in the gaps. It made him more complete.
Amidst it all, there was the knowledge that even if he wasn't done, he didn't feel so impossibly small in the world. There was a place for him now, and he'd made it himself.
Sokka went to get his bag which was only a feet away, leaving the letters out in the open. There would be many times after where he'd wonder why he left the letters unguarded even for a second. As he was walking back, the wind began to pick up. He heard papers rustling.
No, no, no!
He ran back as fast as he could, but the papers were already flying away. One by one they flew overhead and towards the bank. Before he could reach them, the gust carried all of them away over the sea, and eventually, into the water around him. He felt powerless to stop it.
He reached the edge of the bank and fell to his knees.
This is it, that's all I had of her.
Everything was getting blurry. There was water mixing with inks as his vision lost focus. He managed to see one paper floating back to him. Sokka wasted no time scrambling to retrive it, nearly falling in the water himself. He held it up, but the words were smeared on the page now. Even he couldn't recognize the writing.
Until, the water kept running. The ink was changing form until there could be no mistaking what it said:
Thank you
Sokka held it up rubbed his eyes to make sure it was real. It was.
And for now that was enough.