(DRAKE'S POV)

I know what I did that night was wrong. I knew that Josh was trying to study for that chemistry test, and I knew how important it was to him. But, I still acted childishly calling him over and over on his cell phone, and begging him to play ping pong with me on the new table he just brought.

I knew that I was being a pest but I couldn't fight the deep-seated loneliness I felt every time Josh chose that musty-smelling textbook over spending time with me. Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, but I couldn't deny how starved I was for Josh's attention. I could come up with a thousand different lies to hide my true feelings, but during times like this, it's hard to deny that I am hopelessly in love with my stepbrother.

I was deep in denial about my feelings for a long time. I mean what kind of sick pervert has feelings for his stepbrother. Even, if I do like to point out occasionally that we aren't really related by blood as if that makes the situation any better.

I have flaws just like everybody else, but not everyone is as forgiving as Josh. He wanted to spend time with me despite my flaws, and he looked at me like I was cool. Josh became special to me in a way that nobody else could live up to.

It's not like I realized my feelings right away it wasn't until the whole Drew incident that I even felt anything like jealousy. I was scared, scared that they'd take Josh away from me. Scared that the pure eyes that looked at me with admiration would turn to someone else. After, the situation was resolved and everything went back to normal between us. It made me realize that I wanted to be the center of Josh's attention. I wanted him to keep looking at me.

But, being so young the thought of having a crush on my stepbrother never actually occurred to me. The realization came with time in all the little things that we did together. I wanted to be around Josh. I wanted to do special things with him that only we could do together like bad movie Tuesday. At some point Josh was always on my mind would Josh enjoy this, would Josh think I was cool if I did that, and how can I make it up to Josh. Maybe if I was a better brother to him I wouldn't have to think about how to make things right between us all the time.

What makes a crush a crush though? I never really understood what people talked about when they mentioned having a crush it always went over my head. They would talk about different things like their feelings of excitement, nervousness, happiness, and awkwardness. But, even with all the different girls I've dated, I've never felt that way with anybody but Josh.

I had no choice but to face the facts. It wasn't all that difficult to hide my feelings at first when the crush was still cute. But, as we got older I started wanting more.

As we became closer it wasn't that weird for us to touch so casually. Just, sitting next to Josh on the couch, and feeling our legs touching was enough to make my mind feel hazy. But, it was nothing compared to the feeling of the brotherly hugs Josh initiated. All I could think about was how nice Josh smelled and how warm he felt. I could feel myself lusting for more especially after Josh kissed me. I know it didn't mean anything to Josh, but for me, it was a catalyst for so many dirty desires.

I knew that if I kept pushing Josh to play he'd eventually say yes, but when he gave me the attention I was craving for so long I... I was full of these awful feelings that I knew that Josh would never return. I didn't know how to sit next to you in the car the next morning and pretend like I wasn't some lovesick puppy.

I knew how important that chemistry test was to Josh, but I prioritized my feelings over Josh's. When Cat called and said that she wanted to 'make out' it gave me the chance to rid myself of these awful feelings. Even if it was only for a moment I could pretend that I wasn't fucked up. But, when I chose my feelings over Josh's it wasn't until after everything that I realized how shitty what I did to Josh really was and how deeply I hurt him.

Josh didn't wanna look at me or talk to me if he didn't have to. He completely cut me out of his life. I've dated and broken up with so many different girls, but I've never been that desperate to get someone back before. I felt like my whole world stopped when I lost Josh, but I was even more hurt by the fact that his world got better when I stopped being a part of it.

That's the part that broke me the most was that Josh didn't need me... At times I feel like I reverted back to my childhood self. I felt like the helpless child I used to be always chasing after my father tiny hands clutching at his shirt desperately and being tenderly brushed off.

I know that I looked pathetic that day in Chemistry drenched in water from head to toe. My voice was raspy from the barely contained sadness that I was feeling and I told Josh how sorry I was that I was such a shitty brother to him. But, when I left Josh never came after me. I realized something that wrenched at my broken heart. Josh still wasn't sure whether he wanted me in his life again.

If I really made Josh that miserable it was time I truly did him a favor and cut myself from his life.

(DRAKE'S POV)

Even though the light was on in our bedroom everything still felt dark and gray. I wasn't even mortified with everything that happened all I could feel was a deep sadness knowing that today was really going to be the last day that we'd still be brothers. Even if it is in technicalities and marriages and not by blood I really felt like Josh was my brother. Even, if the way I felt about him wasn't brotherly in the least.

I wonder how long it'll take for those feelings to fade once we don't talk anymore. I was feeling lonely just sitting there by myself waiting for Josh to get home. I left school early after I basically just poured out my feelings for Josh in front of everybody. Does school even matter at that point anymore? Sure I'll probably hear it from my parents later, but it probably would've been hell waiting for the minutes on the clock to tick by reminding me of all the times we won't be able to share together anymore.

I picked up one of the paddles for the ping-pong table. The smooth lacquered wood felt heavier in my hands than usual. I remember the day that Josh bought this we were so excited to play together, but now it's just gonna collect dust in the garage. It'll just be one of those objects that's only there to remind me of the way that things used to be, a reminder of guilt.

All these feelings were fucking with my heart and I felt so heavy, but I just... couldn't help myself... Why did I bother to pick up one of the balls anyway it's not like I have anyone to play with. I just tapped it pathetically with the paddle listening to the weak bounce off the table. Triggering some of the fun memories that we used to have, and won't make anymore.

I could hear the hear the door slam open catching my attention, and I just stared at Josh listlessly. He tried using some of the goofy voices we were using not too long ago. Imitating some of the old martial arts movies that we used to watch together. I know that this was Josh's way of saying that he forgave me.

But I just couldn't play along, "Josh I...", but he didn't let me finish. I gritted my teeth slightly in frustration as Josh continued to goof around, but that's over now.

If Josh won't listen to me then maybe actions will speak louder. I got closer quickly enveloping him in a warm hug, a hug that I usually don't initiate.

I hugged just a bit too tightly practically burying my nose in Josh's neck. This was the last time I'd ever be close enough to smell him or feel him. I lost a little bit of shame and restraint practically burying my nose against the soft skin of his neck taking in the last of his familiar scent. My cheek rested against Josh's broad shoulder.

Josh froze up and he went silent. With all of my flooding emotions, this hug was deep and emotional. I knew Josh noticed that this hug was different from the previous ones we'd shared before. This was a goodbye hug.

I couldn't let Josh destroy the happiness that he built up for himself when I was gone, "Joshie", I used the nickname that I gave him knowing it was probably the last time I was gonna say it the sadness I felt clearly heard in my trembling voice.

This hug was more for me than it was for Josh I just wanted to feel the warmth of his body pressed up against mine for the last time.

My voice practically came out as a whisper, but knowing how close we were I knew that Josh heard me, "I finally realized that I was ruining your life and I don't wanna hurt you any more than I already have, so let's keep things the way that they are now", he seemed a little shocked I'm not normally that honest.

Josh seemed shaken his voice giving away the confusion that he felt, "Why do want things to stay the same? What, do you need me to say that I'm sorry to cause, I'm sorry. So, can we please just go back to the way things were?", something about his voice seemed slightly scared, but I know that what I'm doing is for the best.

I don't know if things can go back to the way that they were anymore. I don't want to hurt Josh, but even if we did go back could I still keep my feelings under wrap? I mean if I couldn't hold myself back and told him how I felt when I knew that he doesn't feel the same way. I know for a fact that it'd just hurt the both of us it's just better this way.

I begrudgingly pulled myself away my every cell screaming for the warmth that Josh provided I wanted all of it, but was never going to have it I can't hurt him again, "No", I put on my best poker face trying to contain my composure. I made an effort not to look back when I walked out of the bedroom closing the creaky wooden door behind me.

(DRAKE'S POV)

I already knew that I didn't wanna be here tonight. I was weak-willed against Josh, and if he said that he still wanted me to be a part of his life I might just let things go back to normal. I don't plan on leaving forever I just want to make sure Josh understands that I meant what I said. The only thing was that I didn't really have a place to crash tonight.

I just made it outside the entrance to the house. The black canvas backpack straps dug into my shoulders from the clothes and toiletries I haphazardly tossed inside.

The sky was a beautiful mixture of orange and purple hues, and the air that was usually stagnant with the usual California humidity had a cool breeze to it carrying the scent of freshly cut grass. Of course, it had to be today of all days that I realized what a piece of shit I was in life.

Before I even had the chance to process everything that happened this evening I heard a ringing sound from my pocket.

I grabbed the thin plastic cellphone from my jeans checking the collar ID before answering. At least I didn't recognize the number so I picked up, "Hello?", my voice might still sound a little raspy from earlier, but at least I could play it off if someone asked me about it.

I could hear a feminine gasp from the other side of the phone, "Drake I'm so glad I got the right number. You see I'm holding a party tonight and I want you to be there as my date", I didn't really even know who this chick was, but I knew she was probably just another rich and somewhat arrogant sounding bitch from our school who just wants to sleep with me to boost her popularity.

I wasn't gonna turn down this opportunity even if she is the kind of girl I just pretend I can stand until I get what I want from them, but what better way to drown your sorrows than to throw yourself into a pretend love. Especially, when these kinds of parties always have some type of booze it does help to sweeten the deal.

I didn't waste too much time giving my answer, "Alright, I'll be there. I'm gonna need some directions".

(DRAKE'S POV)

I was right she definitely was a rich kid just the outside of the house gave off this air of affluence. The concrete columns at the entrance of their Mediterranean-style McMansion were almost enough to make me feel intimidated. If weren't for the late party stragglers making their way up the well-manicured lawn I'd almost think that I had the wrong place.

Just from the threshold of the door I could hear and feel the loudspeakers reverberating through my entire body. This place was dressed to the nines in streamers and balloons. The entire first floor was completely packed there was an overwhelming sea of people spread out in the large open spaced area.

But, there was one unmistakable smell pushing me forward. The smell of beer was thick in the air, and I was sure that everyone here had some type of booze on them.

I have no idea what the girl who's hosting this party even looks like, so I made my first priority to find the alcohol. I spotted other teens pulling some cans of beer out of coolers placed in the center of what I assume is the living room, but I knew from experience that there was harder shit available at parties like these. I spotted a traffic jam of people trying to force their way in and out of what I assumed to be the kitchen, and just from experience alone I had to guess that the harder shits in there.

I could feel myself sweating just from the proximity of pushing myself through the horde of people. But, I was determined to make my way into that kitchen. I'm pretty sure my body's gonna be littered with bruises from all the random elbows cutting in and assaulting me, but it'd all be worth it if I could get what I wanted.

As soon as I made my way into the kitchen it cleared up a bit feeling less claustrophobic than the main living room area. I let my shoulders down a little the tension leaving my body as I stood in line to get some of the better liquor.

My comfort was Immediately driven away the moment I felt someone slump themselves over my shoulders wrapping their arms around me. If I was speaking honestly a part of me was hoping that she wouldn't have found me, but I could hear her voice. It was definitely the same one from the phone call, "I knew you'd show up. Sorry I couldn't pick you up myself hopefully you don't mind", her annoying valley girl accent made my ears ring.

Her voice felt like nails on a chalkboard to me. I was just praying that if my conversation was kept short maybe she'd stay quiet, "No, it wasn't an issue".

My body felt tense from all the excessive contact. I could feel her sliding off my shoulders. Maybe she could tell that I was tense. But, the idea of her being thoughtful flew out the window when she grabbed my hand.

At least I could get a better look at her from this angle. Just from a cursory glance, I could tell that she was pretty. But, she's just another carbon copy of the fashion of our time. If I threw her into the slew of other girls that I've dated I wouldn't be able to distinguish her from the next girl. In fact, during my fight to the kitchen, I could swear I saw three more girls wearing almost the exact same clothes.

But, I know what it's like to wanna follow the trends and want to be popular. I almost wonder if anyone could pick me out of a crowd either or if I'm just another thoughtless mob that tried desperately to fit in.

Normally, It didn't really bother me when girls grabbed my arm or made little touches that told me that they were interested. I usually enjoyed the attention it made me feel desired, fed my ego, and helped me to run away from my unbrotherly feelings towards Josh. But, tonight with how depressed I felt every time she invaded my space it just made me feel stressed.

Everything about this girl felt fake. All I could see were little visions of myself in her wondering, what the point of all of this was? When I lost one of the people who meant something to me.

The line opened up just in time before she could start speaking again. I quickly stepped closer to the counter creating distance between us and I eyed all the available options. I didn't need the hardest shit available, but I hoping to get drunk quickly, the quicker the better.

With all the fancy equipment laid out and the colorful bottles of different types of syrups, it almost looked like they were set up to make mixed drinks. I didn't really wanna waste my time on this my eyes scanning over at least 30 different bottles laid out. The only thing I really recognized were the cheap bottles of Vodka it was easy to recognize from the unique shape of the bottle. From the moment the cool glass bottle touched my hand I intended on taking the whole thing I wasn't gonna fight my way back here later.

I expected her to object she just seemed like the spoiled ignorant type. The type to throw a tantrum when things don't go the way they want them to but she surprised me, and not just with the shitty attempt she made to be sexy by whispering in my ear. But, by the way, she just rolled with it, "I was thinking the same thing you wanna find a place where we can be alone together right?", I was hurting my heart was aching, throbbing, and buzzing. I know it's wrong, but the warm feeling of her breath ghosting over my ear gave me a sense of comfort. All I really wanted right now was just to have someone hold me close.

(DRAKE'S POV)

My head was spinning by now the alcohol fully doing its job making me feel like I was floating after drowning in my own feelings for so long. I'm guessing this was her room everything was some shade of pink from the walls to the furniture. Everything was starting to sway and blur through my vision. My eyes happened to lock on to one of the non-pink items in this room and I felt a sense of guilt creep up my spine as I stared at the enlarged perfect family photo staring back at me.

I honestly didn't wanna think anymore and with the way that I feel I don't know how long I'll have the capacity to either. I basically hogged the whole bottle the girl was practically still sober and almost pouting. She seemed kinda peeved by the tone of her voice. She glared at me from her spot next to me on what I'm assuming is her bed, "I basically threw myself at you all night, and you've done absolutely nothing!", I didn't really know what to say, but she didn't really give me a chance when she pushed me down and straddled my hips.

I mean I knew this is what she wanted. It's part of the reason I came, but for some reason, I just feel conflicted as little images of Josh appear in my mind. I must have seemed apathetic cause she sighed exaggeratedly before making contact with my lips. Usually, I admire how soft girl's lips are I like the taste of their flavored lip gloss. But, the taste of the peaches just brought me back to one of the things that Josh enjoyed.

It stung at my heart, but I wish that I never took Josh for granted. Her body was soft and warm as she pressed herself against me. Images of my hug with Josh earlier entered my mind as I was reminded of the way his body felt against mine. I was never going to able to feel it again, and even if it was wrong I longed to feel it again.

I finally snapped out of my slight daze reciprocating the kiss, but I knew deep down it wasn't really her that I wanted to kiss. Little visions of Josh filled my brain until I wasn't even really doing this with her anymore and I let my feelings take control from the alcohol.

(DRAKE'S POV)

We were both spent as I collapsed by her side after having sex. She snuggled up close to me, "I knew you were into me. Playing hard to get like that", I just lay there still somewhat petrified by the visions that just danced across my mind. I felt dirty knowing how good it felt when I pretended that Josh was kissing me. I could feel my stomach churning from the heightened emotions. All this stress finally just pushed me over the edge feeling the violent burning of the acid bubbling its way up my throat. I grabbed at the metal waste basket by the side of her bed.

I clutched at it for dear life my chest and throat burning from the sour-tasting acid. Each heave coated my mouth with the putrid taste of vomit. I took the chance to gasp for air in between retches.

The girl got up and started grabbing her clothes that were tossed aside, "Sorry, Drake this is kinda gross, so I'm just gonna go", Honestly, even if I didn't care about anything she had to say I still felt a sense of loneliness when I watched her close the door behind her.

I didn't really have the strength or the wherewithal to go anywhere my head still felt like it was spinning even though I'm sure I emptied everything out. The only thing keeping me company now was the stench of vomit.

I was emotionally and physically exhausted letting my heavy eyes close. I was pretty sure I could probably convince her to at least let me stay the night, and if I was lucky I could use her shower in the morning. Before, I had to find someplace else to go. After, fantasizing about sleeping with Josh, how was I supposed to just go home?