Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
Andrew Lloyd-Webber

Bella

The first thing I became conscious of was a cold hand in mine.

"Edward?"

"Yes, I'm here."

The effort it took me to open my eyes was worrying. My vision was blurry and my lids kept closing repeatedly, but after a few times it took a little less strength to open them again.

There was a drip in my arm. My ankle was heavy. I looked down and saw a bulky cast. I couldn't sit up; my left arm was tied securely to my chest and my right hand was in Edward's icy grip.

He was tense but unharmed. The others were hovering around my bed and I searched them anxiously. None of them seemed hurt either.

"You're safe," Edward murmured, having heard my heartbeat skip and misunderstanding it. He brought my hand to his lips.

"Are you okay?" I asked them all, panicking.

They had no injuries but that didn't mean they hadn't been incapacitated earlier.

"Everyone is fine," Esme soothed. She was beside me in a blink and smoothed her fingers over my cheek.

Running through a pitch black forest with Jasper; the vicious roars of a vampire fight; terror as I plummeted into a ravine … the falling feeling never dispelling even after I blacked out.

Jasper was there in place of Esme and I relaxed from his hint of calm.

Carlisle described my injuries and told me they would all heal quickly. I didn't doubt that, I knew he would've done everything he could to speed the process along.

"When can I go home?"

"In two days," he replied.

"What day is it now?"

"Wednesday."

I winced. That was a lot of time I'd missed.

"Are you in pain?" Edward whispered, his expression tormented.

"No," I assured him.

Whatever meds were in the drip were working. And there was relief; Edward had saved me again. Of course he had. Edward always saved me.

The next few hours were cloudy as my fuzzy brain seemed to reboot. The attending doctor came in and did a bunch of tests and there was confusion when it turned out he'd been here earlier too and done the same tests.

"You're doing really well," he assured me. "All the scans came back fine. The confusion should go away in a few days."

"What day is it now?"

"Wednesday," Edward answered, and his worried expression told me I'd already asked this.

When the doctor left, I turned to Edward anxiously. "I didn't say anything, right? About what really happened?"

He shook his head. "You just want to go home, that's mostly what you keep asking about."

"The bed's uncomfortable. It's too noisy," I complained. "And everyone who comes into the room wants to prod me."

Carlisle had told me what he was doing when he examined me, and asked beforehand. Clearly not all doctors followed the same practice.

"I'm sorry," Edward said quietly.

"It's not your fault," I replied, surprised.

His jaw tightened and he looked down, seemingly examining the drip in my hand.

"It's not," I insisted. "You saved me. All of you."

"You wouldn't have needed saving if I hadn't put you in danger in the first place."

"How were you supposed to know that was going to happen? You're not responsible for the behaviour of everyone else, Edward."

"There's a difference between stumbling into something by accident and walking you into a bloodbath."

"James would've reacted the same no matter what," I stated. "You know that."

Something else came back to me and I flinched—Edward steadied me in the same second.

"Where are the other two?" I whispered.

Edward stroked the back of his fingers over my temple, so light I could barely feel it. "Laurent went north to find another coven he knows who usually spend the spring there. Victoria's far away too."

"She won't come back?"

"Not to Forks."

"They weren't mated?"

"Their bond wasn't strong enough for that."

"What about his … creator? Won't they want to know where he is? Won't they be upset that he's dead?"

Edward gave a small smile. "Not all vampires view their sires the same as Carlisle. Covens are built, not automatic."

The same as humans and their family members. "I suppose I should've guessed that."

Edward's expression settled back into that strange new one—desolate, remorseful, and something else as well. He would've seen James's plans for killing me. Alice's visions of it too. That's why his guilt was different, why I couldn't placate him yet. He'd lived the consequences as strong as if they'd really happened.

"I'm going to get better," I whispered. "And then everything will be back to normal."

Edward didn't answer. He only kissed my fingertips, his touch indistinct and his breath even as he inhaled my scent—something he did now and then when he wanted to comfort himself.

Over the next few hours, I was weaned off the harder meds in preparation for discharge so other pains became apparent. The back of my head ached; my jaw throbbed and was covered in fading greenish bruises. It was only slightly discernible as a handprint, and only because I knew that's what it was. I doubted it raised any suspicions of the hospital staff. Or Charlie. Carlisle told me he'd been to see me earlier and it seemed like he'd done something that annoyed Carlisle and Esme; they'd both been frowning when he'd told me. But when I'd spoken to Charlie on the phone he was the same as usual, worriedly asking how I was and when I'd be released.

"You've got to put Dr Cullen on retainer," he said amusedly. "I never realised you were so accident-prone. And call Renée, she's waiting to hear from you too."

"Do Washington hospitals have a punch-card system?" Renée said when I did so, making the same jest as Charlie, unusual for them. They were so incompatible, not least because Charlie had no sense of humour and Renée had too much. There was no greater insult to Renée than for her to compare me to Charlie when I got her nerves.

"When will you be discharged?" she asked.

"Tomorrow. But I'm going to have the cast for ages before I can switch to the boot. It was a pretty bad break."

"It'll be off for summer though. Maybe you could come and see me in Charleston."

Typical. This was the first I'd heard of her move, and her plans were vague enough for her to back out easily when she inevitably decided against it.

"I'll think about it. Edward and I might go travelling before college," I fibbed, prepping her slightly, even though Edward and I had yet to come to an agreement.

"That's your boyfriend?"

"Yes," I said, refraining from rolling my eyes. Did she even read my emails?

"Travelling is a big step," Renée said disapprovingly. She abhorred relationships. Casual flings only. I'd never even met any of the men she'd hung out with.

"I guess so," I agreed pacifyingly. "But we've already gone away together, remember? We went to Jamaica last year."

"Are they new to Forks? There wasn't anyone named Cullen when I was growing up."

Definitely not reading my emails. "Sort of. They moved there a few years ago."

"Is Dr Yardley still around? She delivered you, she was lovely. And the woman who ran Sal's Diner?"

"Yeah, I've seen them about. We've got beef with Sal's; competing restaurants, you know," I laughed.

"Restaurant?" she asked, surprised.

"Can't be picky with jobs here."

Renée made an annoyed noise. "I don't know why you stay there. It's so boring, the same thing every day for the last fifty years."

"I love it. The weather, the rain. And there's so much space, not like in a city. The national parks are amazing."

"So your recent foray didn't put you off?"

It took me a second to realise I was supposed to have fallen while hiking. "No. And Edward'll look out for me."

"Are you guys going to go to the same college?"

"Yep. We've applied to the same schools. Just waiting for the responses, which should be any day now."

The next morning, I was impatient for the attending doctor to sign off on my release. Carlisle had bent the rules to help with my surgery but wouldn't do the same for this more mundane necessity. Once it was done, a nurse bought me my after-care documents and prescriptions.

As before, Edward's hands were there to catch me if I fell as I stood up. There was some dizziness after so much time prostrate, and my limbs were stiff from lingering strain. I carefully flexed as much as I was able. When I tried to ease the tautness in my neck by turning my head from side to side, a sudden burst in the dizziness threatened to overwhelm me and Edward had to catch me before I toppled sideways.

"Slowly," he cautioned.

"I thought that was slow," I grumbled, becoming aware that I might not be able to be as independent as I'd hoped. This was punctuated by the fact I wasn't permitted to walk myself out of the hospital either.

"I hope I didn't get blood in the car," I said as Edward helped me into the backseat.

"You worry about the oddest things, Bella," Rosalie said, shaking her head.

"Blood in a vampire's hundred thousand dollar car, what's worrying about that?" I returned sarcastically.

Still in a medicated haze, I dozed on the drive back but revived myself when we got to Charlie's.

He looked surprised at how much Edward had to help me to my feet and was quickly next to me so he could assist too.

Charlie must've felt guilty that he didn't stay with me in the hospital; he gave me control of the TV remote and poured me a huge helping of chocolate custard, the most cooking he'd done since I'd moved in.

"Thanks for looking out for her," I heard Charlie tell Edward after I'd eaten. Their voices were indistinct as I struggled against the sleep that tried to take me. I couldn't even gather myself enough to open my eyes. "I'd have been there myself but … work's been pretty busy."

"I know you would've been there if you could." Edward's sarcasm was thinly veiled but I doubted Charlie would've cared enough to respond to it.

"Do you need help getting her upstairs?"

"No, I've got her."

Edward lifted me carefully, trying not to jostle me, and I was asleep before he'd lay me on the bed.

Something was going on for Edward but I couldn't figure out what it was.

He was just as gentle and attentive as he'd always been. His hands wavered over me as I learnt to walk in the CAM boot after my ankle cast came off; there was an anxious hitch in his throat whenever I winced in pain if I accidentally pulled at my arm. Edward made sure I took all my meds and meals like clockwork. He'd even written an essay I'd missed while I was in the hospital, forging my hand and style. I slept every night in his arms.

But it took him a moment to laugh at my jokes now. Every chaste kiss had a hint of desperation. And I always woke to him in the same position he'd been in when I'd fallen asleep—he hadn't moved at all.

I asked him many times, probably bordering on annoying, but he was never impatient. He had said he was worried about me but his stature didn't improve as I did.

We were both still rattled by what happened. Though Edward never said it, I knew James hadn't just been a predatory hunter of humans; he'd been one of the kinds of vampires that Edward murdered when he learnt of their impulses. I sometimes found myself crying with how close I had come to a very painful and brutal death.

It was that which seemed to disturb Edward most. His hold became anguished. He wiped my tears away frantically and hummed his compositions for me, his voice too quick to be truly soothing though I loved the gesture all the same.

Alice and Edward were in some kind of fight; also strange.

Alice glared at him whenever she saw him. She'd even snarled at him once. Edward never rose to her but nor did he try and fix it as he typically would have. I wondered if Edward was angry at Alice for not predicting James better but I didn't think that was it. Alice was the one who was hostile.

Jasper was being buffeted by their heightened emotions so much he sometimes came to stand near me for a bit of quiet. Jasper didn't seem to know what Edward and Alice were arguing about either but it was clear it was causing him distress. Emmett's usually unshakable demeanour was turned by the tension in the house. Rosalie watched me oddly, though she always looked away when I felt her gaze on me.

Esme and Carlisle walked out often with Edward, trying to straighten out whatever it was that was paining him. I didn't know what they talked about, private between the three of them, but no one's expression eased.

"Something's wrong," I told Carlisle as we sat on the couch. He was tenderly examining my rent shoulder.

"We're all concerned about you."

"I feel great," I said happily.

All my bruises and soreness were gone. Carlisle had told me my shoulder wouldn't need an operation if I kept it still enough for the first few weeks to let the tendons heal properly and so I did, though it had been beyond irritating.

Carlisle removed the boot and stretched my ankle, examining it. The scars from the surgery were neat thanks to his skill; nothing remained but discoloured lines. I'd had another X-ray on Friday and Carlisle said it was healing exactly as it should.

"You can keep the boot off from now," Carlisle told me warmly.

"Really?"

I looked around excitedly for Edward and he was immediately beside me. But his expression was wrong; it was tormented. I blinked and he was smiling so sincerely I wondered if I'd imagined it.

"Now I won't have to hobble everywhere. That was getting old." Not to mention it made work difficult; I'd had to make multiple trips for every table since I'd been well enough to go back. "What should we do to celebrate?"

"How about we wait a few days until we're sure it doesn't need to go back on," Edward said quietly.

"Ew, that won't happen, will it?" I asked Carlisle.

He shook his head. "Everything looks good."

At Charlie's house that night, Edward was still dressed when I came back from my shower; something I'd only been able to do by myself recently. It had been too awkward for me to move so all our showers since my accident hadn't been as sexy as they used to be. Another reason I'd been eager to get better.

"You're not staying?" I asked him, confused. Edward always told me when he was going hunting but he hadn't mentioned this one.

"Not tonight."

"Are you going to talk to Alice?"

I hoped so. This afternoon, Alice had disappeared upstairs after hissing in his direction and then slammed her bedroom door. Neither Carlisle nor Edward said anything but I could tell they were both upset.

"Yes."

"What are you fighting about?" I asked beseechingly. "Maybe I can help."

"It's nothing you need to worry about," he soothed.

I wrapped my arms around his waist. I hated seeing him like this. "I'm fine, I'm so much better. My shoulder doesn't hurt anymore. And I walked around for hours tonight and my ankle didn't even ache."

"I'm glad."

His tone was off. I lifted my head so I could look at his face. He was calm.

"None of this was your fault," I repeated. I'd told him this countless times since we'd been home but it wasn't having the effect I wanted. The visions were still there; too present in his head for me to counteract it. He was punishing himself again, taking all the world's blame on his shoulders.

I pulled his hand to my jaw, kissing his palm. "You saved me, Edward. I never doubted it. Focus on that. Please."

Edward's composure cracked a little. He tilted my chin up and kissed me; it started gently but then became more frantic. His fingers wound into my hair and he pressed my lips between his urgently.

This was what we needed. I'd healed; he didn't need to be scared about how he touched me anymore, to always have it in his head about why I'd been injured. I moulded myself to his shape and kissed him back earnestly, but then he pulled away and stepped out of my embrace.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow," he promised, before vanishing out my window.

I didn't sleep at all, spending the night thinking on a dozen ideas about how Edward and I could get through this.

After a torturous time at school the next day where I barely focused on the lectures, Edward drove me back to Charlie's house again since it was a Monday. Alice hadn't been in school. I wondered if that meant she was too angry with him after their talk last night. Edward had been quiet all day as well, thinking things through as I was.

Edward parked in the driveway but then led me to the backyard. Perhaps he wanted to have our discussion in the wilderness again; we'd always been more soothed there than at Charlie's. I'd never return here at all if it was up to me but I didn't want to be rude to Charlie. And I did want to make sure he and I spent time together before I left for college or my newborn phase.

Maybe that's what Edward was planning as well. Though this was hardly the catalyst I'd envisioned, maybe it had made Edward reconsider his stance. These kinds of things didn't happen to vampires, this kind of pain … Edward had been so distraught by mine. I'd tried not to be a burden but he'd seen things regardless—my forced slowness, my bruises, the sudden flashes of soreness in my ankle in the night that jolted me awake with a sharp cry. He wouldn't want me to go through anything like that again and the only unquestionable way to make sure I didn't was to change me.

"Bella, we're leaving."

Oh.

That hadn't presented itself to me as an option, not right now, but it made sense. The incident had been too much, my injuries too conspicuous. People were probably questioning my accident; that's why everyone was stressed, they'd been hearing things I couldn't. The Cullens had told me they'd had to move sometimes when things got difficult. It would be a bit of a mess to leave before graduation but I knew they'd have prepared for that; Charlie was the only sticking point.

"Okay. We've got to think of something to say to Charlie—"

"Not you. My family and myself."

I felt myself frown. I was a part of his family. I didn't get the point he was making, why he'd made them two distinct things. I was his family.

"I'll come with you." My tone was disbelieving. Maybe he thought I'd want to finish the school year and join them later … but why would he think that?

"No. My world is not for you."

What? This was nothing I'd expected. Edward loved me in his life; a part of his family. This didn't make any sense …

"Of course it is. I have always belonged with you, Edward," I told him imploringly.

I didn't understand what he was saying. Of course, I belonged with him, nothing had ever felt more right before.

Edward's expression was indifferent. There was no light in his eyes. His expression had relaxed into an oddly blank one. Gone was his crooked smile, that slight crinkle in the corner of his eyes when he watched me. He looked more at peace than he had of late. None of the guilt and agony that he'd had since that wretched day in the field.

"I don't want you to come with us. We are not mated. I thought it was what I felt but it's not. It's not the same as what the others feel. I was just trying to force something that wasn't there. I've been deluding myself and hurting you at the same time. I'm very sorry."

My chest cracked open. My mind wasn't working right. Gasping registered, nearly roaring in my ears. Edward loved me. I was his mate. He'd told me that. He'd told me countless times that he loved me. He'd explained it all—mates were for life, permanent and unbreakable. Something was wrong. I was having a panic attack and Edward was just standing there.

"Your memories will fade," Edward said softly. "You will forget. It will be as if we never existed."

He didn't seem to register the agony he was inflicting on me; he'd said what he needed. His apology was sincere. He didn't try to defend himself or blame anyone but his own mistaken feelings.

A word clanged again in my numb brain. "We?"

"We're leaving," Edward repeated. "We will never come back."

"Please," I heard myself beg. He couldn't leave. I needed him. He needed me. We belonged together. Everything about this was impossible—Edward had never done anything to hurt me. Why didn't he realise what this was doing to me? Why didn't he care?

"Goodbye, Bella."

He disappeared right before my eyes.

He'd done this a million times. But this one was different.

After what felt like minutes, I stumbled around to the front of the house but his car was gone. I hadn't even heard it. Fumbling for my key, I unlocked the door and almost fell over the threshold in my haste.

This was just a prank, some humour I wasn't getting. Edward would be waiting for me in my bedroom like always. Pounding upstairs, I wrenched the door open. The clothes I kept at Edward's house were now folded on my bed in a neat pile.

I was outside again and I was sprinting through the trees, following the path Edward took when we went to his house. It took me nearly two hours to get there but Edward didn't appear.

My palms were scraped raw by the time I burst out of the tree line and into the meadow. All the times I'd tripped, my mind not functioning … Edward always came to me when I needed him.

The house was eerily quiet. I tried the front door but it was deadbolted. I knew what I would see when I looked through the window.

Gone.

Their house was empty.

They left without even saying goodbye. Now they knew Edward wasn't mated they had no further use for me. Perhaps sweeping soundlessly out of my life to make it seem like it had just been a dream … they'd told me so much about vampire life. They didn't want to stay in a place where someone knew about them.

Edward didn't love me. Not the way he wanted.

All his desperate kisses … all his hesitations … they all took on a new meaning. He'd been trying to make himself feel something more. He had been trying to make himself feel what I did, not wanting to hurt me.

This was the reason he refused to change me. A part of him always knew we weren't mated.

Tears were cascading down my cheeks and I was barely able to see but started walking anyway. I couldn't stay here anymore … this wonderful, incredible place that had always been my real home.

I meandered through the woods back to Charlie's house, hardly aware of my bearings. It had been dark for hours before I finally made it to the door.

Charlie jumped when he saw me. "Shit, are you okay? What happened?"

I didn't know what expression I had but my hands were covered in dried blood and my clothes were ripped from stray branches.

"Went for a walk. Got lost." My voice wasn't mine. It was hollow.

Charlie got some disinfectant then pushed me until I sat on the couch.

"You want to tell me what really happened?" he demanded. He started cleaning my scrapes, the sting not even registering.

"That is what happened."

"There's something else."

"… He left. With his family."

"Edward?"

I couldn't drag enough air into my lungs. I nodded numbly.

"Huh. Bit sudden. And so close to graduation. Did they say why?"

I shook my head. There was no mortal reason that would make sense to Charlie.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know you liked him a lot. Who knows, maybe you'll end up at the same college."

Tears were welling up again. Nothing freaked Charlie out more than tears. He avoided my eye as he hastily finished smoothing the final bandage across my palm.

"Do you need Tylenol?"

"No," I croaked.

"Did you want to call Renée?" he offered, though he knew as well as I did that Renée wouldn't be comforting. "Sue? Sarah?" he asked desperately.

"No."

I didn't want to be with Charlie. I didn't want to be around anyone but my family.

And they were gone.

My chest burned—my heart gone and taken with him. I slumped over on the couch, sobs scratching out of my throat.

Charlie awkwardly fluttered the throw rug over me and patted my shoulder.

His touch was too warm.