The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is off getting drunk somewhere. As everyone knows, you're not officially part of The Agency unless you have a wild binge drinking incident. As Zara is about to discover. Takes place after Chill Barry.
Agents' Night Out.
"Okay," Lana said to her team. "Today was a relatively good day. We saved the world from another Barry-Apocalypse."
"Excuse me?" Zara did a double take. "This has happened before?"
"Only a couple times but yeah," Pam nodded. "Usually, Barry only just attacks Archer. Other Barry is upping his game."
"I say we celebrate!" Pam called out. "Who's for a round of drinks? This gal!"
"I second the motion!" Archer called out.
"And of course, you idiots are going to go out drinking," Lana groaned.
"Not necessarily," Krieger spoke up. "We have enough alcohol here to celebrate!"
"Good point," Pam agreed.
"We saved the world again," Archer remarked. "And nobody cares! The least we can do is have a bitching party!"
"There's no way I can stop this, is there?" Lana groaned.
"The Barry Apocalypse is easier to stop than us having a party," Ray told her. "Especially for Zara!"
"What?" Zara asked.
"You're one of us now Zara," Pam explained. "And that means it's time for you to experience the rite of passage known as getting Pam Plastered!"
"I've been drunk before," Zara looked at her.
"Not like this you haven't," Krieger grinned as he brought out some bottles.
"Are those what I think they are?" Ray did a double take.
"Hell yeah," Krieger grinned. "Krieger Valley wines! Lana want to join us?"
"Uhhh…Pass," Lana said. "I still remember what happened the last time I partied with Pam."
"She pretty much destroyed her marriage and nearly murdered a prince," Cheryl explained to Zara.
"Yeah, that…" Lana sighed. "So I'm gonna sit this one out. Call me if you need bail. Then I can laugh at you." She started to leave the room. "Zara, a word of advice, don't try and keep up with Pam."
"That is good advice," Archer admitted as Lana left. "Even I have trouble most of the time."
"Not that big a shock that you have trouble holding your drink," Zara remarked. "I think what's left of your liver is slowly deteriorating into nothingness."
"My tolerance for alcohol is legendary," Archer sniffed as Krieger poured them all drinks.
"And so are his benders," Ray added. "And all those videos of him on kiddie rides on You Tube."
"Those are still up?" Archer shouted. "Krieger, I told you to take those down!"
"I did!" Krieger told him. "Then other people put new ones on there! Or the same ones but different angles."
"Just be glad we destroyed all footage of the Fourth of Ju-Luau," Ray told Archer.
"The what?" Zara asked as she took a drink from Krieger.
"Don't ask," Pam groaned. "That was a bit too freaky even for me!"
"Very disturbing," Cyril shuddered before he took his drink.
"I may have crossed a line or two on that occasion," Archer winced. "Not my proudest moment."
Cheryl explained to Zara. "He did something unspeakable with a dead pig."
"AND BY UNSPEAKABLE THAT MEANS WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT CHERYL!" Archer shouted.
"I don't think I want to know," Zara gulped.
"You don't," Ray groaned as he took a drink. "Ah this is lovely. This is the good stuff."
"Thanks," Krieger grinned. "I've been fermenting it downstairs for at least a couple of years now."
"Oh, this is going to be a fun trip," Ray snorted.
"Yeah, fermented South American muscadine gets stronger every year," Cheryl nodded as she took a huge gulp. "Nice!"
"Hang on…" Zara blinked after she took a drink. "What is this made out of?"
"Don't think about it," Pam waved as she finished her drink in one gulp. "Although you might want to slow down and pace yourself."
"Uh let me think about it," Zara remarked. She took a huge swallow and drank her drink dry. "I've thought about it. No. Hit me again!"
"Atta girl!" Pam whooped as she took a bottle and poured Zara and herself another drink. "Down the hatch!" She took a gulp.
"Bob's your uncle," Zara quipped as she did the same. "You know for homemade wine this stuff is surprisingly smooth."
"Yeah…" Cyril blinked as he calmly took a sip. "You might want to slow down Zara."
"Said the man still on his first drink," Archer scoffed as he took a bottle for himself and started to drink from it.
"Greedy much?" Ray groaned.
"I've got more bottles," Krieger waved as he left the room.
"Good because we're going to need them," Zara called out as she finished another drink. "I'm still bloody freaked out about artificial intelligence being real."
Mitsuko floated in. "Don't worry. You'll get used to it."
"Mitsuko's back?" Archer blinked.
"Just visiting," Mitsuko waved. "It's more shocking you're still alive!"
"But for how long?" Zara quipped.
"You know…?" Archer glared at her.
"A lot more than you," Zara added.
"Zing!" Ray called out. "That was a good burn!"
"It was barely serviceable at best!" Archer protested before he took a drink. "But this wine is pretty damn good."
"Damn good!" Zara smirked as she finished another drink. "Another round!"
"Atta girl," Pam grinned as she did the same. "It's about time we had someone who could hold her booze instead of the majority of lightweights here!"
"So what do you people usually do for fun around here?" Zara asked. "Besides drinking?"
"Not sure," Cheryl admitted. "I black out a lot. But I know a lot of stuff gets destroyed and there are a lot of fires. And sometimes deaths."
Zara snickered. "Good joke!"
"If only it wasn't true," Cyril sighed as he took a sip.
"I can't believe the majority of you lot are only on your first drink," Zara noticed. Then she saw Archer dousing the bottle. "Oh okay…"
"That's why," Ray pointed at Archer.
"What?" Archer looked at him.
"You are a cautionary tale waiting to happen," Ray told him.
"What do you mean?" Archer snapped.
"You've been in the hospital more than a soap opera character," Ray pointed out. "Starting with the coma…"
"That was a gunshot wound," Archer snapped. "Not alcohol related! That was admittedly due to a slightly botched plan to expose Veronica Deane!"
Pam looked at him. "And how sober were you when you came up with that plan?"
Archer blinked. "Point taken."
"More drinks!" Krieger walked in with more drinks.
"Finally!" Pam whooped as she took a bottle and poured some more for her and Zara. "Anybody else besides Archer want more?"
"Oh I'm getting nice and buzzed right now thank you," Cyril smiled. "Krieger this is really good wine."
"Yes the genetically modified grapes are really blending well with the South American muscadine," Krieger nodded.
Zara took a sip. "Hang on. I've heard of that before. Where have I heard of that before?"
"Probably by watching the news," Cyril sighed as he finished his drink. "What the hell? I will take another sip."
"Me too," Ray nodded.
Zara realized something. "Doesn't South American muscadine….?"
"Have hallucinogenic properties?" Krieger finished. "Yes, it does!"
"This wine is made from Crazy Fruit Kool Aid?" Zara gasped. "Like those wines found in Mexico?"
"Yeah, funny story…" Pam began.
Cheryl spoke up. "We were totally responsible for that."
"WHAT?" Zara shouted.
"We tried to get into the wine business," Cyril admitted. "It didn't work."
"What it did do is start a minor war between a few drug cartels," Ray added. "And completely expose the corrupt postal system of the government of Mexico. Which exposed other corrupt areas of the Mexican government. And then some in America. Oh and cause a lot of trials."
"Oh no…" Zara blinked as everything started to sparkle. Then got really, really fuzzy. "This was a very bad idea, wasn't it?"
"It usually is," Pam slurred.
And then everything went black…
The next thing Zara knew there was a loud ringing in her ears. And the feeling that elephants were tromping through her head.
"Ohhh…" Zara groaned. "Why did I try to keep up with Pam?"
"Not like you weren't warned," Ray was heard saying. "Why did I have that fourth shot? I wish I was shot! That would be less painful."
"Okay…" Zara winced. "Just open your eyes and deal with whatever you see…"
She did so and blinked. "Okay…"
She was lying on a couch in a very expensive looking and quite trashed hotel suite. Her clothes were rumpled and she reeked of alcohol. There was graffiti on the walls…Mostly saying SPLOOSH and DANGER ZONE. Broken and empty bottles of alcohol everywhere. A few broken pieces of furniture. Towels were all over the place. Some wet and soiled. An okapi was eating some kind of plant in the corner.
"Okay…" Archer was heard behind her. "So far everything is normal…"
"Why do I have the feeling I'm in the beginning of one of those Hangover movies?" Zara blinked. "Archer where the hell are you? On that front where the hell are we?"
"First question…" Archer sat up and revealed himself to be on the floor at the end of the couch. "I'm on the floor. Ow…I think I was trying to fix my back. It feels like I threw it out. Oww…"
"Okay…" Zara looked around. "And the second question? Where are we geographically?"
"Possibly Hell…" Pam was heard from a large bed she was on. "Although it's too early to tell. I don't see any of my relatives."
"I don't see anything!" Ray was right next to her, a towel covering his head "I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! I'M…."
Pam casually took off the towel. "Oh…" Ray blinked as he looked around. "Never mind."
"It's a miracle," Pam said sarcastically.
"Actually, I think it kind of is," Archer groaned. "I think my liver is literally kicking my ass."
"What the hell did I do last night?" Zara moaned.
"Well not one of us so…" Pam remarked. "That's a start."
"Yeah, we're all fully clothed," Ray remarked,
Cyril staggered into the room. He was not dressed from the waist down except for socks and shoes. "Has anyone seen my pants?"
"Mostly clothed," Ray groaned. "Good morning to you Trevor Lefkowitz."
"Shouldn't that be Julian Fawcet MP?" Zara asked.
"Cyril is American so…" Pam explained.
"Right," Zara nodded. "That does make more sense."
"I'm glad something does," Cyril groaned. "Where are we and what did we do? And where are my pants?"
"In order…" Ray paused. "No idea. Not a clue. And who knows?"
Cyril sighed. "Well, that clears everything up. Why is there an okapi in the room?"
"Is that what that thing is?" Pam blinked. "Why is it here?"
A strange noise was heard. Archer blinked. "I guess we brought it to keep the zebra company."
Krieger staggered into the room, fully clothed but confused. "Guys…A couple things. Where are we? What happened? And why is there a zebra in the bathroom?"
He did a double take at Cyril. "One more question…"
"I don't know where my pants are," Cyril groaned. "Or anything else."
"Well that's a given," Krieger remarked.
"None of us know where we are or what happened," Archer groaned as he managed to slowly get to his feet. "Other than most of us probably didn't have sex…If Cyril did congratulations. Unless we're talking a masturbation thing. Odds are we are…"
"Odds are you're right," Cyril groaned. "I woke up in the private elevator."
"Still more sex than the rest of us had," Pam pointed out. "Including you Archer! No shame Cyril."
"Oh, I feel shame," Cyril groaned as he found a towel that wasn't stained and wrapped it around his waist. "Lots and lots of shame."
"Yeah, but that's normal for you," Pam waved.
Just then a small antelope wandered into the room. "That is not…" Cyril blinked.
"Something tells me we're banned from the zoo again," Ray remarked.
"What do you mean by again?" Archer asked.
"Okay step one…" Archer winced. "Find out…"
"Where the hell we are, yes!" Zara groaned as she sat up.
"I was going to say where the scotch was," Archer groaned. "Or Vodka. Or gin. Or anything at this point."
"Riiiiight," Ray nodded. "Why face the day sober?"
"Exactly," Archer nodded as he looked around. "Where the hell is it?"
"Where the hell are we?" Zara snapped.
"How the hell should I know?" Archer shouted.
"Here's a thought," Ray remarked. "How about somebody looking out the damn window?" He pointed to the window where the curtain was drawn.
"That would be a good clue," Krieger remarked.
"I suppose you want me to do that?" Archer asked acidly.
"You are closest to the window," Krieger pointed.
"Who knows?" Zara said sarcastically. "Maybe there's a river of alcohol out there?"
"I doubt we're in heaven so…" Archer grumbled as he made his way to the window. "All right! All right! How do you…? Damn it!"
After fumbling with the drapes, he eventually tore them down. He looked out the window squinting. "Huh. We're still in New York."
"Are you sure?" Pam asked.
"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "Empire State Building over there. A lot of familiar tall buildings over there. I can see the Statue of Liberty and the bridge way over there. UN Building right in front of this building…In fact there looks like some kind of commotion down there."
"What kind of commotion?" Pam winced as she got up to look.
"It looks like something is leaking from the building…" Archer remarked. "It looks like…pudding?"
"Oh no," Cyril winced. "Not again!"
"That may not necessarily be us…" Ray said cautiously.
"What do you mean by again?" Zara asked as she looked out the window. "Hang on…I'm remembering something…Something about something like this happening before…"
Cheryl walked out of another room carrying a baby panda. "It was when we filled the UN building with chocolate pudding. This time we used butterscotch."
"That was you?" Zara groaned. She did a double take. "Where did you get that panda?"
"From the zoo," Cheryl grinned. "When we liberated all those animals."
"You mean like those giraffes down there?" Krieger looked out the window and pointed.
"Yup," Cheryl grinned.
"Okay that was us," Ray winced. "Dukes…"
"Cheryl, do you know where we are?" Archer asked.
"In this room, duh!" Cheryl scoffed. "Just kidding. We're at the Tuntalagio Hotel. Presidential Suite."
"So, we're in one of your hotels?" Ray asked. "That's…"
"A little better than trashing a strange hotel room," Cyril admitted.
"It's not my hotel," Cheryl said as she cuddled the panda. "It's my brother's."
"Of course, it is," Ray groaned. "Trying to screw with your brother and Tiffy huh?"
"Oh yeah," Cheryl grinned.
"Who's Tiffy?" Zara asked.
"My brother's bitch of a girlfriend," Cheryl explained.
"Okay I'm starting to put the pieces together," Archer winced. "But just for the hell of it, Cheryl can you tell us what you remember about last night?"
"Yeah I kind of remember a lot of things last night," Cheryl nodded. "I remember we got drunk then we decided to go out but Zara bitched about us driving drunk so I called the Tunt Limo service to drive us."
"Okay that's good," Cyril sighed. "We didn't drive drunk."
"No but I'm pretty sure our driver was plastered the way he was weaving all along the road," Cheryl admitted. "We hit a couple parked cars."
"But not people or animals, right?" Pam asked.
"Unfortunately, no," Cheryl sighed.
"That's good," Cyril sighed. "So far…"
"The next thing I remember is that I made some calls to some of our pudding factories to fill up the UN," Cheryl paused. "We wanted to do a prank or something…"
"Or something…" Ray winced. "And since the chocolate pudding prank worked so well…"
"Yeah, that's right!" Cheryl nodded as she put down the panda. "Then I remember being at a bar and both Archer and Cyril were having an argument on which was better…Succession or Billions."
"To be fair both had their good points," Archer admitted. "But I'm a Wags man myself."
"That's because the two of you have so much in common," Cyril groaned.
"Look in the light of day I admit now that the acting on Succession was phenomenal and the ending was more realistic," Archer groaned as he looked for a drink.
"Thank you!" Cyril said. "And I admit that the acting on Billions was amazing and the ending was basically perfection!"
"Was that so hard to say?" Archer asked. "But both shows were great and their endings were great."
"I agree," Cyril blinked. "Why were we fighting?"
"Because you were drunk!" Pam shouted.
"But what happened to my pants?" Cyril asked.
"Oh right," Zara remembered. "I set them on fire."
"You set a fire and not me?" Cheryl did a double take. "That's a twist!"
"I'm remembering things now…" Zara winced. "Apparently your fight attracted some other people who got into a physical fight for you…Somehow I convinced Cyril to give me his pants and underwear so I could burn them for some kind of distraction…"
"It wasn't at the bar where you burned Cyril's pants," Pam realized.
"Yeah, the distraction was at the zoo!" Krieger added. "We just got into a fight and trashed the joint until the cops came and we ran out the back."
"Okay now things are coming back to me," Archer sighed. "Oh my God! I remember!"
"What?" Ray asked.
Archer took out a flask from his pocket. "I still have a full flask of scotch!"
"Of course," Ray groaned as Archer drank from it. "So why did we fill the UN building with pudding again?"
"It was a pretty bitchin' prank the first time," Pam remarked. "Damn it, now I want to have a drink!"
"Oh here…" Cheryl opened a cabinet nearby. It was full of bottles of alcohol. "Mini Bar!"
"I knew there had to be one around here somewhere!" Archer groaned.
"Your booze radar must really be off," Pam said as she grabbed a bottle of champagne.
"You're drinking some more?" Zara asked.
"Hair of the dog," Pam grinned. "Or panda or zebra or whatever else is running around in this case. Hang on…"
The champagne cork popped and zoomed across the room, narrowly missing Cheryl. It hit the wall and bounced off to the other side, startling both the okapi and the antelope which ran into another room. The cork then ended up smashing a mirror on the other side of the room.
"Wow…" Ray blinked. "Talk about your bad luck."
"That's just an old wives tale," Pam waved. "Edie once broke like fifteen mirrors inside a TJ Maxx's dressing room when the sales lady told her she was too fat for her first wedding dress. They arrested her and my cousin Enid and they spent three days in the county clink. That was one of my better Christmases with my family."
"First wedding dress?" Ray asked.
"She was engaged to another guy but that didn't end well," Pam admitted. "Ironically, he ditched her and ended up marrying the sales lady Edie assaulted." She took a huge drink from the bottle. "Ah that's the stuff!"
"Why did I try to keep up with you?" Zara groaned.
"You were warned," Ray told her.
"So to recap," Cyril winced. "We got drunk. We got into a fight at a bar. Ignited a fire using my pants. Let loose and stole several animals at the zoo. Filled the UN building with butterscotch pudding. Trashed a hotel room. And possibly caused a diplomatic incident with China."
"Possibly?" Archer pointed to the panda nibbling on a pillow. "The Chinese government values these little guys more than people! To be fair I see their point."
"So definitely an international incident," Cyril groaned.
"Yeah," Krieger grinned. "This is a classic Agents' Night Out!"
"And you were part of it Zara!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "You're one of us!"
"Hooray just what I always wanted to be," Zara groaned. "An accomplice."
"Let's never tell anyone about this, shall we?" Ray suggested.
"Something tells me Lana is going to figure it out," Cyril winced. "And she might not be the only one."
"Relax," Cheryl waved. "I've already called my lawyers to get the bribe machine in motion. They'll send someone to pick up the animals and get housekeeping to clean up the mess."
"Good," Krieger winced as the sounds were heard from the animals trashing the other room. "Because I'm not cleaning that up!"
"Me either," Ray admitted. "We should leave now. Before your brother and Tiffy get here Cheryl."
"Oh yeah," Cheryl nodded. "It would be like Tiffy to bitch about this and ruin our morning. Anybody want to go out to breakfast?"
"I'd like to get some pants," Cyril remarked.
"Not a problem if we go to Crammers," Pam said before taking another drink. "They have a really relaxed dress code at their morning brunch buffet. Not to mention extra pants just in case."
"Crammers does have surprisingly good waffles," Archer blinked. "I'm in!" He grabbed another bottle from the mini bar and started to drink from it.
"I also left a message this morning to the UN," Cheryl said cheerfully as they started to leave. "I told them it was some terrorist group and not The Agency that filled up their building. What? I said it wasn't us!"
"They're going to figure out it was us, aren't they?" Cyril sighed.
"Oh, what's the UN going to do about it?" Archer scoffed. "Pass a resolution against us?"
"Come on," Pam waved. "Let's go have brunch!"
"At a strip club," Cyril sighed. "Boy, am I going to have some great stories to tell at future AA meetings."
Cheryl went to pick up the panda again. "Leave the panda!" Archer ordered.
"But…" Cheryl pouted.
"Cheryl leave it!" Pam snapped.
"Yeah, we have enough animals at our agency," Ray quipped.
"I left Interpol for this?" Zara groaned as they left. "I'm seriously questioning some of my life choices."
"Me too," Cyril sighed.
"That would imply you had a life to begin with," Archer quipped.
"If we keep partying like this," Ray groaned. "None of us are going to have a life for much longer!"