It's freezing outside, despite the sun today. I've got on a puffy jacket, a sweater, two t-shirts, a singlet, and at least 3 layers of pants, along with a scarf, beanie, mittens, and heavy boots. Joan's out here with me. We're currently shovelling snow off the driveway so we can go shopping later. And so we can get back to Al's plant tomorrow and get started on the big stuff. Joan is here because she's catching up on chores since her break from them over mid-terms. She's actually okay with the work. It's simple, physical work, and we both like it—or at least we don't mind it.
"Hey Mom?" I look over at her as she calls out. "More story later?"
"Sure," I frown, considering timings for everything we need to do. "Maybe after dinner—we've got a lot to do today."
"We do, don't we?" Joan gestures to the half-finished driveway, still covered in snow.
It takes another half an hour, with occasional banter, and then we head inside after putting the shovels away. Kristoff's made us a hot lunch, and has some things to add to the shopping list, so I just pass him my phone.
"We all going?" He asks, handing the phone back.
"Nah," Joan shakes her head. "I wanna catch up with Tink. See what she got up to for Christmas."
"You did that yesterday too." I wink at her. She blushes slightly. "You could go and visit her, for once."
"But it's so much nicer here; even she thinks so."
"That's you getting your way, right?" I give Joan a pointed look. "How often does Tina get hers?"
Joan frowns. I can see her trying to do the math, and realising that it's not working out in her favour here.
"Where you are shouldn't matter," Kristoff pats her on the shoulder. "It's who you're with that's important, right?"
Joan looks between the two of us. It's a little mixed up, but we're trying to make the same point. I think.
"We could drop you off before going shopping, if Cara's okay with it." I extend the offer to her. "Just spend the afternoon together—maybe Tina can come visit another time when we've got less work."
"The holidays will be over before that happens, and you know it."
"We do," Kristoff waves a hand at her. "But weekends exist."
I see her huff of frustration, throwing her hands up. That's definitely from me. "You two are impossible."
"And yet, here we are."
"Oh, come on, dad."
"Baby, life doesn't make things easy," I give Joan a pointed look. "But there are times you should try working around it rather than trying to bash it into the shape you want it to be. Plus, I'm sure Tina will be glad to have you visiting her for once."
"Yeah," I can see a smile there. "Yeah, she probably will. Might even make her tidy up." Okay, that smile I know.
"Behave."
"We will, mom." I know that smile too.
"Your poker-face is terrible right now."
"C'mon, let her have this, you." Kristoff's giving me a stern look.
"Fine." I turn back to Joan. "Have fun; stay safe."
A little later and we're all piling into the car. Joan has a backpack that she claims has schoolwork—or holiday projects—in it, but which we clearly know does not. I won't pry, but this time it's Kristoff calling her out, telling her she needs a better alibi for that stuff. I can't hold back a laugh. Then I tell her about Elsa's 'backup purse'. Because back up, she kept what in there? Joan's laughter fills the car as we set off; a bit of a detour to drop her off; then over to the mall to pick up supplies.
In the end, Joan decided to the stay the night with Tina. She asked us, and Cara first, of course. I think she just needed a little push this time, to spend some quality time with Tina. I know what they were probably getting up to, but as long as they're safe, and respect each other's boundaries, I don't really mind. Joan's growing up, learning things about herself. About other people, and intimacy. Things I only learned a bit later in life.
But that's fine too. Some of us are late bloomers in that respect.
Now it's Wednesday evening, and Joan asked me to tell her more of the story. We're in the attic, actually setting up your telescope again—she remembered I mentioned it earlier in the story, and of course I kept it. You told me how valuable it was to you. We've also got a few more blankets between us, because it really is cold tonight.
"I can't believe you and Elsa slept up here sometimes."
"We had enough blankets," I steal another one as I say this. "And we kept each other warm. This one time—"
"No." Joan cuts me off, waving a finger in front of my face. "Bad mom. Bad."
I can't help the laughter. "Fine. How about our first Christmas together?"
"You… ordered a corset or something?"
"Oh, that didn't come until—uh, March, I think. Even Elsa was surprised it took that long. There's a bad memory in here somewhere, too."
"Umm, how bad?" I don't like the little shiver I can hear in her voice.
"Not too bad, I think." I rest my forehead against hers for a moment. "I know you don't like hearing it, but it's tied to me and Elsa being intimate. She tried something—which I would've been in to—but it was almost exactly the same way Hans would sometimes try and do it. I'll keep the rest of the details light."
"Thanks mom." I can see her trying to smile for me.
"So, it was one of those weird Mondays where she had time off to rest—and I had time off because of weekend work."
—∞—
"Hey, Anniken, are you liking cartoons?" Elsa's question caught me completely off-guard. Mostly because I hadn't really been paying attention.
"What, like The Simpsons, and that old Bugs Bunny stuff?"
"Sort of. Something with more story, and deeper characters." There was an odd note of trepidation in Elsa's voice.
"I… huh. I don't think I've watched anything like that before." It was the honest truth.
"It is one of my favourite shows, I was thinking maybe we could watch together, and see if you are liking it?"
"So like a lazy afternoon?" I gave her my best smile. "I'm totally down for that."
"If you like it, it will probably take a few afternoons," she kissed me on the cheek before she hurried up the stairs. "It has a lot of episodes, but they are short enough for you, I think."
"Hey!" I yelled at her from the couch as she rushed upstairs. "I resemble that remark."
I heard laughter from the top of the stairs.
I waited for her to come back down—carrying a stack of DVDs—before asking what should've been an obvious question. "Should I get some snacks for us?"
"Sweets and cookies and other terribly unhealthy things?" She laughed at my shocked expression. "We need all of the things to snack on. It's a law."
"I doubt that." I gave her a skeptical look, then smiled. "But it totally should be."
Elsa put the DVD in the player as I hurried through the kitchen, grabbing anything vaguely unhealthy. Potato chips. A bag of sweets—my not so secret stash of them. Some chocolate. A bottle of soda we could pass around. I came back out to find her sitting patiently, holding the remote. She offered me the corner of the blanket she was under.
"If you are okay being this close again."
I sat next to her, snuggling under the blanket, head on her shoulder. One of the character portraits on the screen looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't tell why. The opening narration was… different. Telling it like some kind of legend. The art was actually really good, which surprised me. The main plot seemed to be a brother and a sister finding a goofy kid—one that the sister believed was part of the legend out of the opening narration. There was a ship, frozen in the middle of the ice, and they set off some kind of trap, launching a flare. And the last scene was the villain seeing that flare, and looking back at the village the kids were from.
"So, what are you thinking?" Elsa's voice brought me back. I wasn't ready to admit how engrossed I'd been in the story—though the snacks being relatively untouched probably said enough.
"That one seemed like a decent start." I stole a couple of the snacks from Elsa's side of the couch. "I think we should watch the next one."
We did. I remember less of that, but the fight scenes stood out, using some kind of elemental magic combined with martial arts. My distraction was from something else, however. The arm that rested across my shoulders, hand down my front, fingers against my breast.
Elsa whispered in my ear. "If I am allowed to touch?"
"I thought we were watching cartoons?" I leaned into her a little harder so she wouldn't have to reach so far. "But yes."
"We can have some fun," I saw her smile as she turned to me. "I enjoy watching this show, I have seen it several times. If you just want to watch the show, I understand."
"Temptress," I whispered to her, my arm now behind her. "Fair play?"
"Later," she turned to kiss me. "I want to give you attention while you are a little distracted."
"I—" I turned to look at her, unable to figure it out. "Just me?"
"Yes," this time she kissed my forehead. "Only you this time."
"That… that's…" I didn't have the right words. Then I felt a hand against my stomach, soft, but insistent.
I swallowed hard, blinking back tears. Not again. But my memories had betrayed me. So many times it started just like that. Seeming innocence, but the threat of such violence if I didn't accede to his demands. For a moment I couldn't breathe, hyperventilating, then trying to calm myself. I felt a hand in mine. Soft. Long fingers. Feminine. I let out a breath, and another hand pointed at things. Television. Snacks. Couch. Blanket. Door. I remembered enough to take a deep breath. Music, and voices. The wind outside. My girlfriend helping me count. Breathe, Anna. Just breathe. But I couldn't tell if that was my thoughts, or her voice. Her hand in mine. Someone stroking my hair. Warm blankets. Deep breaths. Calm. Find yourself in the moment. Sugar, and lots of it. Someone waving a soda bottle at me. The smell of… Elsa's conditioner. Another breath. I took a swig of the soda. Berry-cola. I frowned at myself. It still counts.
I could feel Elsa stroking my hair, making soft shushing noises. I just sat there, and took it in. I almost burst out laughing at the accidental freeze-frame on the TV. I knew what had happened. Sort of. It seemed like my body could remember things that I didn't want to. It took me a moment to understand what Elsa had said. I motioned for her to repeat it, unable to trust my voice.
"I'm sorry, Anna. I—"
"Don't," my voice shook, but I cut her off with a chop of my hand through the air. "Don't apologise. This wasn't your fault." I squeezed her hand, maybe a little too tight—because I felt her wince. "I thought I was into it too. But…"
"But what, Anna?" I wanted to make a joke about nice butts just then, but she'd used my name like that, so I had to be serious.
"I guess my body remembers some things," I leaned into her. "Things I'd rather forget."
The hug, the way she wrapped me up, with her chin on my shoulder. I felt safe. Safe in ways I didn't think it was possible to be with another person. Ways that only existed in books and movies. More things to unlearn. Or maybe learn were actually true, for the first time in my life.
"Anniken?"
"Yes?"
"We can keep watching the show, if you want. You can take time to be ready, and talk later, if you want?"
"I'll try," I sat myself back on the couch and offered her the blanket. She looked at me, surprised.
"Sure?"
"Just hugs," I pulled her close as she sat down, and wrapped the blanket around us. I gave her a peck on the cheek. "Kisses are okay too." Then I pulled us sideways, falling across the entire couch. I turned just enough to whisper in her ear. "I liked being your little spoon."
"Idiot." And she kissed the back of my head as we started the show again.
