AN: Here's a nice, weighty update. I hope I put enough Elsanna in there to satisfy everyone.


We're still in the attic, on Wednesday night. Blankets and all, keeping me and Joan nice and warm—or warm enough, at least.

"You said you were going to tell me about your first Christmas," she gives me an indignant look. "Not… that."

The way she stresses the word, and blushes. So much like you, I swear.

"Context." I tell her gently. "Because it inspired some of the gifts between us. And before you say it, no, not like that. We saved that for later."

"Mom!"

I sigh, giving her a soft punch in the arm. "I also broke the story there, because it's time. It should be above the horizon by enough now."

The sky is clear enough for a while, but opening the shutters tells me it's not going to last. And lets in a blast of arctic air. I've already showed her how to set the dials. The coordinates you wrote down for me, all those years ago. I know it has a proper name in star catalogues and everything, but… well.

"I—Oh, wow." I hear it in her voice. "I can see it. Elsa's star."

"We didn't find that until later, of course. She was quite sick at the time, and wasn't sure she'd set the telescope right."

"Okay, it's freezing in here." Joan hurries over to close the window and the shutters. "But I don't know if I want to go back down yet. It's kinda cozy up here. I get why you two liked it sometimes."

"So, Christmas stories, and Christmas presents…"

—∞—

My planning, as usual, was terrible. It seemed like everyone was out to do their Christmas shopping on the same day we were. We'd split up—presents are meant to be secret, after all—but planned to meet at lunch. Of course, that assumed we could both make our purchases in time, and find a place at the massively overcrowded foodcourt. It wasn't looking good. I was also hungry. Being around so many people, moving between all the stores, making sure I got everything on the list. I had a headache too. It was then that Elsa sent me a text that left my cheeks quite red. It wasn't even that explicit, but it was precise in the language it used. To anyone else, it might be confusing, or simply an innocuous message. To us… Suddenly I recalled the time she pulled me into the bath and I wanted to brain her with the shampoo.

It was much the same feeling. Except what she'd suggested would keep her quiet. I looked around, in case I had been too obvious with the blush, but nobody seemed to have noticed, too busy with their own rush to grab everything important. I'd bought clothes for myself before, and even some stuff for Hans—and that sudden memory gave me pause—but shopping for another woman was a different experience to me. I had a fair idea of Elsa's style, and fashion choices, but I still couldn't be a hundred percent sure. That was just the jacket though, which was easy to match with her other things. The next things on the list were more exacting with sizes. And then something that I was almost certain I'd need to visit a specialty store for—there was one across town, but I didn't have a good excuse to be over there, especially today. I just had to hope tomorrow would be better.

I paid for the jacket, got it gift-wrapped, then headed to the foodcourt for a late lunch. When I looked at the crowd, I knew we'd never get a calm moment. Instead, I decided that we could eat elsewhere, so I headed for the car. Elsa's earlier suggestion about eating things was forgotten as I tried calling her—easier to hear over the general noise of the crowd than a single text. I hoped.

"Anniken?!" She was almost shouting, just to be heard over the crowd. "Where are you?"

"Outside."

"Outside?" She was incredulous. It was snowing, after all. "Why?"

"I'm at the car. It's just too busy in there for lunch."

"Oh, yes." Her voice was calm. "That makes sense. Perhaps we can go to a bakery?"

"Sure. Meet me at the theater exit."

"See you soon."

Ten minutes later, and we'd placed our various bundles in the back of the car, then drove off to a nearby bakery. It was busy, but nowhere near as bad as the mall had been. Of course we ate too much. I may have licked some chocolate crumbs off Elsa's face. She didn't need to brush the pastry flakes off my shirt quite like that. I felt bolder and a lot more confident than I had in a long time. My hand was against her thigh, and hers was on top, but she shook her head slowly.

"Okay." I backed off. "Too many people around here anyway."

"True." I was surprised that it hadn't been the main reason. "And I would like to go somewhere else to get a special present for you. It is near Princess Street."

That wasn't too far from where I needed to go. "I actually have something I want to collect near there too."

"Did you bring a jacket?"

"Just a light one." Once again, my planning skills.

"I put my winter jacket in the back," she smiled at me. "Drop me off near the main intersection; I won't have too far to walk."

"I'm not sure how long I'll be though, I don't want to leave you out there in the cold."

"This cold doesn't bother me, I'll be fine." She winked at me. "Norway has some real winters."

The traffic, as expected, was a nightmare to navigate. I got the distinct feeling that Elsa was very happy not to be driving that day. All told, the side-trip took us nearly an hour. By the time we got home we were both exhausted, and looking rather worse for wear. So I was very surprised when Elsa just dropped her shopping bags upon walking in the door, and whispered in my ear.

"I want to do something aggressive and passionate. Just nod if you want it."

I was exhausted, but I could see the fire in her eyes. A reflection in the windows showed me how frazzled I really looked from the drive—and a near-miss earlier on. But I was also intrigued, so I nodded.

Suddenly I was against the wall, her hands holding my arms wide, fingers twined. I could feel two racing hearts, and the kiss stole my breath. Just for a moment, and then she pulled away. I let out a shaky breath.

"Wow." I even had to adjust some straps. I made a show of it for her.

"I want to." She hugged me fiercely just then.

"But…?" I said it for her.

"The last time I tried, you had another flashback." The fear and uncertainty in her voice was unsettling.

"I—I did." I had to own it. "It will probably happen again, sometimes." I gave her a stern look. "I don't like it, but if I don't face it, I'm not getting any better. If it stops me from making good memories with you, it's worse. The more times we try, the smaller that memory gets. At least, I hope it will."

"You are…" she huffed in frustration—and understanding. "Sometimes, Anniken, you can be impossible."

I hugged her, and kissed her cheek. "I'm also right here, and if you don't hide your shopping, I'm going to know."

"I would like you to," she kissed me back, then grabbed her bags. "Just not quite yet. No peeking before Christmas, after all. Or touching, rattling, shaking, using x-ray machines or telekinesis."

"Just go, you." And as she turned for the stairs, I gave her a little smack. She had the good grace to blush for me.


A few days later it was Christmas. I never was good with waiting, so for once, I was actually up almost as early as Elsa. No comment was made on my choice of cereals. Or my hair. Or the fact I was still wearing a dressing gown. Elsa had her hair down and loose, something I hadn't seen for a while. She also wore a dressing gown. While I feasted on coco-pops and sprinkled in marshmallows, a good part of my mind imagined what Elsa might be wearing underneath. She opened her gown with a flourish, and I saw track pants and a woollen sweater.

"Not bothered by the cold?" I gave her a skeptical look.

"Not wearing anything else."

I just about choked on my breakfast.

"Besides, one of your shopping bags had that clothing logo on it. I am assuming you want me to try them on."

I recovered my composure enough to speak clearly. "Obviously. But you're not meant to know that."

"I see, it is not only the dressing up you wanted to see."

I didn't even bother hiding the blush. She had me.

"I don't mind," she leaned down to whisper in my ear. "And you can always ask."

Dammit woman. Stop teasing me like this.

But I knew I deserved it. Subtlety was never one of my strengths. She patted me on the shoulder before heading into the lounge room. "I'll wait for you."

I finished my breakfast then hurried into the lounge, eager to unwrap some presents. Elsa was kneeling before the little tree we'd set up, and before I sat down next to her, she handed me the first present. I handed her mine, the larger of the two. I really did try to be careful with the paper, instead of my usual self, but it was hard. The shape was so odd, and thin. I honestly couldn't have figured it out even if I had seen the present earlier. I couldn't figure it out when I'd opened it either. Until I saw the ribbon, and what I guessed were eye slits.

I knew Elsa had something similar, so I turned it over. Rich green fabric, embroidered with gold thread in leaf and flower patterns around the edges. Shaped just so to go over cheeks and nose, with the cheek pieces cut like falling leaves. I turned to Elsa, slightly confused.

"A masquerade mask?"

"For the equinox ball; in March. You remember, right?"

I shook my head. "Sorry, no, I don't."

"That makes this awkward then," I could see how embarrassed she was. "Wait… I talked about it after you ordered the corset. You asked what sort of things you might wear it to."

"Oh." It did ring a bell. Distantly. "I think?" I set the mask aside carefully and turned to her. "I do like it; it's very pretty. I can tell a lot of work went into it."

"I like this jacket," she was standing over me. "Would you help me try it on?"

She shrugged out of the dressing gown, then pulled the sweater over her head. I swallowed. She hadn't lied about not wearing anything else. Well, a bra, but that was it. I held the jacket open for her and she stepped into it, wiggling her arms down the sleeves. She turned to face me, leaving the buttons undone. I looked her straight in the eye, and then, straight in the chest. I liked what I saw, and I wasn't going to let her embarrass me for it again. At least not today. She pulled the jacket closed, then turned half away from me, looking over her shoulder. I felt my nails really digging into my palms. I felt a lot of other things too.

She bent over to pick up another present, something else small, and handed it to me, letting the jacket fall open again. This one was an envelope, just a plain envelope. Inside were what felt like heavy paper tickets for something. I looked at her suspiciously. Surely this wasn't for the ball. I looked back at what I was actually holding.

"Megeara's?" I was more than a little surprised. I'd heard people saying it was the finest health retreat in town. In the city, even. "How?"

"I called in a favour from my troupe leader. He knows Meg personally." She hugged me from behind. "I want you to know the kind of luxury I wish I could give you every day."

I looked at the vouchers in my hand. Multiple. I fanned them out, and cocked my head because I knew she wouldn't see my frown. "Why?"

"They're all for you. Maybe use one after therapy, if you need it. Or if you just a want a treat—because I know you do not do that often."

"You're right," I turned around to hug her properly. "It's really thoughtful—just not something I'd have thought of for myself. I wish…"

"I know." I felt her brushing my hair aside, trying to untangle some of it. "We'll make the most of what we do have."

"Oh, that's right," I leaned down to pick up her other present. "I got you these as well, but I think maybe I need to explain…"

It didn't take her long at all to unwrap them. She looked at me, and raised just one eyebrow. "I know you have seen my other lingerie, so…"

"Please don't be offended," I held my hands up. "It's about me, and my hang-ups—my trauma—and how goddamn patient you're being with… everything, really. We've only managed to have sex once. In all this time. Lots of seduction, and foreplay, which I really do like. You deserve so much, and I always feel like it's not fair to you because I can't. I know you're not keeping too many secrets about… umm… relieving tension, and what you imagine when you do. Hah—look at that blush. But this is… it's like a promise. I think. A word and bond? Intent? Anyway, I want to show you that yes, I want everything you have to offer. Everything about you. I want you to know how much I want you. So, so much. And even if I can't right now, we will. I will get better, and we will sleep together more—more often. I—I… am I even saying it right? Do you… do you understand me?"

Elsa closed her eyes and smiled, holding up a hand to slow me down. "First, breathe, woman. Breathe."

I took a few exaggerated breaths for her.

"Better. And yes, I do understand what you mean by this. What you want, and maybe can't quite say—or don't have the words to say properly." She smiled, and made us sit down, facing each other. "You don't have to do things like this—I have explained to you before. But you have, and it is such a sweet gesture, I am not sure how to properly show my appreciation."

I turned away for a moment, reaching awkwardly to grab the last gift from under the tree. "This is the special thing I got for you, the other day."

She gave me a pointed look after unwrapping them and laying them out. Elbow-length gloves, made of dark purple velvet, with gold trim, and a crown pattern on the back of the hand. "You said you forgot about the equinox ball?"

"I did."

"Then why give me opera gloves?" The way she asked that, so soft and curious. I don't think I'd ever heard her speak like that before.

"After watching those cartoons the other day, where you wanted to get handsy, I kinda had an idea."

I saw the recognition flash behind her eyes, and heard her take in a sudden breath. "Because if it is not skin, you think you will not be afraid of my touch?"

"I hope." I looked at the floor. Sometimes it was hard to admit how much I didn't know about myself. I heard a soft rustling, then felt her lift my chin. I had to meet her eyes.

"Your gifts say so much about you," she smiled, and drew me closer. "You may not realise it, but everything you have given me isn't just for me—it's for us. As a couple. You say more than you think—sometimes literally—and I cannot tell you properly how much it means to me. It has been too long since I was in a relationship like this. And all my gifts… they are for you, and a little for me, but not like as thoughtful as yours."

I leaned in just a little closer, giving her a soft kiss. "You were right too—I don't appreciate myself enough. I don't think I deserve that kind of luxury. I'm just… me. I'm happy being me. Or maybe content. I don't mind the thought of a simple life; a happy life. There's nothing wrong with that, I think."

"You're right too," she kissed me back. Again and again. "You can have a simple life. You can want more. I cannot judge you for it. Oh, and I have one more present for you. Wait there."

She rushed up the stairs, jacket trailing half-open behind her, hair flying in a majestic trail. I wished so dearly I could've taken a picture of that instant, but my phone was still on the dresser, upstairs, because I had yet to put on some real pants. I watched her go, and saw her return moments later, a large book under one arm. I met her at the bottom of the stairs, taking the book as it was offered.

"I kept it on my shelf."

It was a book—a cookbook—on Scandinavian desserts. I looked up at her smiled, pulling her into a quick hug.

"I know how much you like to bake sometimes, and I thought maybe you would like to try some new things."

"Dessert is definitely the right theme for me." My hand found hers, our fingers twined together as we walked across the house. "So what do we do now?"

"Whatever we want." She gave me a very naughty smile, and held up the lingerie I'd bought. "You could help me try these on…"

My mouth was dry, but I felt wetness elsewhere. It took a moment for me to find my voice. "How—How are you so confident now, and such a damn prude every other time?"

"Because sex is just part of life together," she shrugged. "Because I'm happy with my body. Because I want you to be this confident someday too. And I'm a prude because seriously, does everyone—anyone—else need to know details? No? This is just for us. For you and me. But so often you can catch me off guard, because I am not expecting it from you. Your game is strong, but I sometimes I wonder which field you played on."

I had to laugh at that. "I guess that's fair. It makes sense, and I'm sorry if I've been embarrassing you. But not too sorry—because you're cute when you blush like that. Yes, just like that." She had obviously noticed what I was staring at.

"So naughty." She gave me a sultry wink. "You should go to my room."

"Wait a—oh." She led me upstairs, gently taking me by the hand.

"Anything you want to do, you can." She stopped at the door and whispered to me. "That includes leaving, if you get uncomfortable."

"I…"

"It's okay," she took my hands in hers. "If something gets too much, and you have to run, that's a valid response."

"Even if… even during… I mean…"

"Yes, even then." She pulled me into a tight hug, chin on my shoulder. "It's not weakness, and it might hurt in the moment, but I understand, and I won't hold it against you. Ever."

I could feel the tears welling up, and I didn't know why. "I… is it—I feel like I'm scared for you, about this."

"Because I'm being vulnerable with you," she pulled me into her room, then carefully removed the jacket, placing it on a hanger. "What I'm telling you, about me, and us. It can be scary to realise you have that kind of power to hurt someone." She stripped off the track pants, carefully folding them and setting them aside. "But it can heal, too. It's a risk, opening up. Every time. Like when I'm forced to think about what my death will do to you—it hurts. I can see how you've been hurt before, and I don't want you to ever go through that again, but this is something I can't fix." I could see the shade of tears in her eyes. The way she slowly unhooked her bra. "It… I'm not sure I have all the right words in English, but it's important. Being vulnerable, with each other. Being honest and raw with feelings. There's nothing wrong, it's cathartic, and healing, often. But for you…" I heard the sad sigh, and watched as she slid her briefs all the way down, gently kicking them aside. "You were hurt, abused, cut-off from support. You never got to learn about things like this, I think. I am surprised at how few friends you have outside work. Sad and angry, because I think that was his doing, to make sure you couldn't get the support you needed."

I stepped closer, picking up the new lingerie from her bed. "I honestly don't know how to respond. How to process all that." I let out a sigh. "At least, not right now. You're right about so much, and I've been so afraid, and yes, that's something I will be working on in therapy, but it's also… I think I've been vulnerable with you, before. You always respected me, but… there's that history. Where I try to keep stuff hidden—even from myself. And… and it's something I'd rather not think about in this moment."

Elsa turned to face me. "And that's okay too." She gave me a bright, wide smile. "This is my biggest gift to you, for today."

"Oh, so you only do this at Christmas?" I really shouldn't have. But the brain-mouth filter, and my mental reflexes.

I saw how she was holding her hand, the determined expression on her face. She was letting me see these things. I didn't flinch. Instead, I stepped closer, placing that hand against my cheek.

"I'm so sorry I said that." I leaned in closer, our foreheads touching, hair tangling together. "That's my fault, and I don't blame you. You were being vulnerable, and sincere, and I made fun of it like that." I looked down at my feet, stepping back slightly. "I'll go, if you want. Or you can actually slap me for being an insensitive bitch. I deserve it."

I just stood there, waiting. It felt worse when nothing happened. I looked up to see silent tears on her face. But she smiled, and looked straight at me. "That was insensitive, but please, stay."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. And because you deserve all the chances." She gave me a little wink. "And also because I realised I am the idiot this time. Because when was the last time you shared vulnerabilities like this, with anyone, and didn't get hurt."

"Fuck." I felt my knees give way, and I was sitting awkwardly on the floor. "Not even in therapy."

Elsa sat in front of me, completely unconcerned with her nudity. I absently handed her the bra. She pushed my hand down softly, then turned away. "You still can, if you want."

I did, keeping quiet for once. I made sure—very sure—everything was fitted firmly and secure before I did up the hooks on the back. Then she lay back, forcing me to lie down. Her hands guided mine, and soon enough I felt tangles of short, blonde hair, and… other things, soft, slick.

—∞—

"Mom!" Joan rolls away from me, her face bright pink. "Details."

"Sorry," I lower my voice. "I guess I got carried away there."

"A bit." The sarcasm bites. She huffs, still not facing me.

"Okay." I try a different tack. "Thank you for calling me out. I know you asked me to warn you. I'm sorry I didn't."

"It's…" I can tell she's searching for the right words. "It's weird. Not… wrong, I guess. I know you two had sex, and enjoyed it—like me and Tink. But imagining that… it just seems so weird, and your detail can be a bit graphic sometimes."

"I'll skip over the rest then, and get to the other emotional bits."

"Thanks mom," she turns to face me again. "But it's… well, it's kinda nice, knowing we kinda did the same things. Learned about our girlfriends like that. And the vulnerability thing—that's amazing, and I think I need to talk about some stuff with dad, and Tink. Different things, obviously, but I kinda see a lot of what she meant. Oh, and how well you apologised, too. That's an important skill, right?"

"It is." I smiled for her. "I'm glad you know these things. So, after our second time…"

—∞—

I was exhausted. Which was weird, given we hadn't done that much together. Part of it might have been a sugar crash. It surprised me that Elsa still had so much energy. And had been so patient, and forgiving, after how I'd insulted her earlier. But then she'd explained, patiently, that just because she was angry with me in the moment didn't mean that she loved me less, or that I didn't deserve her love. It struck me again just how kind and compassionate she really was. Most people just saw the frosty exterior, a little haughty, confident, self-assured. They would never know the size of her heart.

I drifted in and out of sleep. I felt someone wrap me in blankets, tucking me in to her bed. She was on top of the covers, under a super fluffy blanket, and hugged me through the covers. I felt it as she stroked my hair, not combing it, just playing, putting it back into place. I felt kisses all over my cheek. Whispers in my ear. It felt like everything I had ever wanted, and nothing I ever deserved. But her voice drifted to me, telling me I was lying to myself.

"You deserve this, Anniken." Another kiss against my cheek. "You never meant it to be cruel, in spite of everything. You are still a good person. You are so kind, and driven, and you give so much of yourself. Of course I will be patient and understanding for you. So you made a mistake—you are not superwoman. I'm not perfect, and you know it too. You apologised. I forgive you. I do. Never think you aren't worth it. You are worth the world to me, and no one can take that from you. You care about me. You try to be sneaky, to ferret out my issues when I can't talk about them so easily. It is hard for me to admit this, but that is being kind. You understand me enough to know what you need to do. It doesn't hurt me, and I love you for it—for making me face it, together, with you."

More kisses, and just a sense of warmth. Of being sheltered and kept safe. Arms around, not to possess, but to protect.

"You were willing to accept any consequences, even after apologising. That makes you a good person. Knowing that maybe you had broken a moment, and it would take time to repair. I said you could make all the choices, and I meant it. Even if it meant staying silent when you hurt me. Even if it meant you wanted me to hurt in you return. You didn't mean to do it like that. And I said that I forgive you. You don't have to accept that forgiveness, but it's there for you, when you feel better about yourself. I hope this is helping, but maybe you're already asleep. Maybe that's the best help for you right now."

She wasn't quite right. I was resting, relaxed and spent. I was happy. I felt so worthy, even if that tiny voice was telling me it was only until I made another mistake—then the retribution would come. But Elsa wasn't like that. This was just more proof, and it was slowly drowning out that tiny voice. I let out a contented sigh, and the dreams this time were only of support. Of kindness. Of mistakes acknowledged and forgiven.

I wished the moment could last forever.