Chapter VIII: Lovestruck
As I made my way down the hill towards my hideout, I contemplated what I would do next. Now that I had actually reached this point, I had no clue what to do from here. I was still in emotional turmoil from seeing my father, and now I wasn't even sure what I wanted anymore. All that time I had thought about-
Damn it. Even when I thought of the word 'kill', I couldn't bring myself to think about it in the same sentence as Joel. I had no idea why this was so difficult for me, but I decided that instead of pursuing that path, I would simply find a way to capture him and tell him everything I went through. If I couldn't bring myself to kill him, then...
Thwip-
Crack!
I stumbled backward in shock as an arrow slammed into the wooden post next to me; My eyes immediately brought me to the woman standing across from me a few meters away, bow in hand.
"I could have put that arrow right between your eyes!" She warned me harshly, and before I could rush inside the cabin to get cover, she immediately nocked another arrow, aimed precisely at my head. "I suggest you begin explaining yourself. Right. Now."
I wasn't sure if it was because of my recent emotional volatility, or because I had been intensely lonely for every part of my life, but... the moment I set eyes on her, time seemed to slow down to a crawl...
(Music: "Kandi", by One Eskimo)
I... felt something new stir in my heart. A feeling I hadn't ever had before. It was an entirely unique feeling, and it filled me with a shaking excitement; But not the bad kind. Looking at her, this feeling stirred within me so strongly that my jaw slackened and my demeanor slumped.
Oh, God... what was this feeling? What was happening to me? Was this some kind of sick fucking fetish from almost being killed?! No...
Every second I laid my eyes on her, I felt a swirling euphoria fill every pore of my body. She was... beautiful. The small scar on her right eyebrow, the way that strands of her auburn-brown hair fell over her eyes-
Her beautiful emerald eyes.
EVERYTHING about her was intoxicating- Why was this happening to me?! Why was I so awestruck by this girl? What brought on this kind of reaction inside me?! I've seen plenty of damn women before!
"Hey! Are you listening?!"
"I-I..."
I tried my best to come up with some kind of answer, but the longer I stared at her, the more entranced I became with her mere presence.
Her cute button nose, her full lips, the freckles that dotted her face, the fierceness in her gaze-
I could not be any more concise when I say that literally, everything about her was overwhelming me so completely with this flood of emotions, of dazzling euphoria, of...
Of...
Of...
Love.
Oh god, I was overwhelmed with pure, overflowing LOVE.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She demanded, though there seemed to be a hint of concern in her tone.
You're TOO DAMN BEAUTIFUL, that's what! I thought with overflowing passion. Passion. Never had I thought to use that word, and only a few times did I hear it in passing conversations. Even despite not knowing what the word fully meant, it felt like the only word I could say- could speak to describe these feelings that exploded inside me!
Passion.
I was so fucking passionate about these feelings.
"I... am n-not a bad person!" I responded with a heavy stutter; Not because I was afraid, but because it took every ounce of willpower to break out of this entranced state I was stuck in. Why? What triggered this kind of reaction in me? DAMN IT! I had trained my body and mind against every kind of threat- except this one!
For fuck's sake, I thought. Say something ELSE!
Despite my meager plea, the girl seemed to become less hostile, as she lowered the bow, though kept it at the ready in case I tried anything. Of course, I wouldn't be trying anything. If she shot me through the heart right now, this would still be the most euphoric moment of my entire life. I hoped she wouldn't try to shoot me, though-
Why was she so beautiful? What was wrong with me? Did I completely break down or something? I was genuinely shocked by how suddenly these feelings surged within me.
"Yeah, sure..." She muttered, moving the strands of hair behind her ear-
Beautiful. Oh, GOD, I wish I knew more words to describe her!
-I was overly joyed that she had dropped the initial hostility from her voice.
"Then why don't you tell me why you were spying on our settlement like that?"
Oh, FUCK! I thought in fright. It was incredibly difficult to think of what to say. I couldn't stop staring at her. I couldn't stop thinking about her. Every time I tried to force my mind onto something else, it would jump right back to that beautiful person in front of me.
What was it that brought on this feeling? Was it the way she stood, the way she spoke? Her voice, her country accent, the way she wore that green cloth shirt and those blue jeans? Was it the fiery spirit inside her that brought her to come here alone, without anyone to back her up? She was not like the others in that city, I could tell at just a glance.
"I... Gh!" I groaned, quelling the uncontrollable shaking all across my body. She seemed to notice my shivering and furrowed her eyebrows.
"Jesus, relax! Alright? ...I'm not gonna shoot you, so stop shaking!"
"N-No, I... A-Alright."
She sighed, her eyes suddenly focusing on me. Her piercing gaze filled my stomach with butterflies and sent my mind into another swirling state of euphoria.
"How about you give me your guns and then we can talk?"
Shit, shit, shit.
As I brought her into my modest hideout to 'talk' -as she put it- I tried constantly to push the thought of her from my mind, to little avail. Nonetheless, I managed to quell most of my initial excitement, and even managed to straighten my face as I walked over to the small sleeping bag in the corner of the room, taking a seat on it as the girl sat cross-legged across from me.
"So," She began. "What the hell are you doing spying on us..."
(Music: "Love Me Not Love Me Now", by Ryce & planet girl)
FUUUUUUCK! I thought in panic. Her voice was slowly fading from my ears; Her very presence made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. She'd come into my dingy little hideout, sat down without complaint, just to...
hear me out.
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Every particle in my body screamed at me from overstimulation- Why was it so hard to control my emotions?!
GODDAMNIT!
I'd spent seventeen years training my body, my will, to adapt to this AWFUL world, and now I was melting at the sight of a fucking GIRL! How PATHETIC!
"Are you gonna keep doing this?"
I heard the frustrated question from the girl, and dug my nails into my palms, drawing blood and causing me to wisen up from the pain.
(End song)
"...Sorry."
I was grateful to see her demeanor change when I uttered the apology; She seemed to lower her guard, if only a little bit. Her eyes still remained fixed on me in deep suspicion, however. Of course, I wasn't particularly hurt by that; I'd seen that gaze more times in my life than I could possibly count.
"So," She continued emphatically. "You gonna tell me who you are?"
On that, I remained silent. I was not one to give out my name freely; That was how you got yourself on wanted posters and bounty lists. Even the overwhelming happiness this girl sent through me was not enough to chafe my mental fortitude-
"...I'm Ellie."
"Jack."
IDIOT! DUMB FUCK! STUPID BASTARD!
Ellie tilted her head ever so slightly in curiosity, sending another wave of warm prickles across my skin.
This was a curse; A disease of the mind. Why was I so weakened by her?
"Cool name."
I want to marry you-
I dug my nails further into my palms, causing pinpricks of blood to run down the inside of my hands, which I kept balled into fists.
"...Thanks."
"Were you at that lodge, a few days ago? Where the shooting went down."
Wow, very straightforward. And...
I wasn't sure whether to answer honestly or not. I hadn't come this far just to die here, because of a slip of the tongue. I had kept my mouth shut throughout much of my life to avoid this exact kind of scenario. Yet still...
(Music: "Lassiter", by Jessica Curry)
Just the fact that this girl, Ellie, had not only taken the time to spare my life but sit down and talk with me... An act of generosity I'd never seen in my entire life. And from her gaze and the way she spoke as if she already knew the answer, I knew she'd already connected the dots in her head- any other answer would be highly untrustworthy.
"Yes."
I responded simply. For some reason, I felt an immense pressure lift from my shoulders; Just speaking with someone else, confessing secrets, was... immensely satisfying, despite betraying my fundamental principles. It bothered me, though, that her eyebrows furrowed together in ponderance.
"And... were there other people there?"
"...Yes."
"Were they... trying to kill Joel?"
"With a golf club, yes. Very inefficient, I'd say."
Ellie grit her teeth in anger.
"That's not funny."
I wasn't sure what she meant by that, and so I kept silent. She stared at me with narrowed eyes, as if considering something- I could not read her mind in the foggiest.
"Did you know who they were?"
"Dunno. I didn't stick around long enough to check their uniforms. Didn't you?"
"...No. But a friend of ours said they called themselves the 'Washington Liberation Front'."
"...Well then."
"Argh!"
Ellie suddenly smacked her fist into her knee, clearly frustrated with the lack of information.
"Are you sure you don't know anything about them?" She continued to press me, and it was then that I was beginning to tire of her abrasive nature.
"I said no!"
That was a lie; I knew about the WLF, but I wasn't aware that those specific fleshbags had been WLF. Nonetheless, I was glad to see Ellie pull back in her aggression towards me, though I really couldn't blame her; I was incredibly suspect as of right now.
Wait-
DAMN IT!
I wasn't here to make friends! I needed to find Joel!
"I-"
"Fine. What happened at the lodge?"
Interrupted by Ellie's persistent questioning, I balled my fists to dissipate the immense frustration she was causing me. I did not want to look unseemly in front of her, but she was irritating the shit out of me.
"I killed them all- left Joel and that other guy alive. You fuckin' happy?"
Despite my harsh retort, Ellie's face softened. She stayed silent for several moments, examining me closely and with an expression of intense focus. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I in turn stayed silent as well.
...
...
...
"I... I'm sorry."
That took me by surprise; The last thing I expected to hear from her was an apology. Still, my natural state was silence, so I let her speak.
"I didn't mean to be so... accusatory." She said with a sheepish tone. "...I don't know what happened in there, but you saved my friends' lives. I can't thank you enough for that."
My cheeks felt hot; Another wave of happiness washed over me.
"So... I wanted to ask you. Why did you go there?"
...
...
...
"I... do not want to say, right now."
Ellie sighed.
"Well, what are you doing here, then? Spying on us? You know that's really rude, right? The only reason I didn't shoot you initially is because..."
She faltered mid-sentence, as if unsure of the words she had been about to say. After a moment, she kept speaking.
"...because of my friends. Because they're alive. So I decided to talk to you. So tell me why you're here. See how that works?"
...
It would have been inappropriate to voice my thoughts, which was that her straightforwardness was incredibly attractive. Though I lied very often by nature to stay alive, I always enjoyed honesty when it rarely confronted me.
"...I'm here because..."
...
...
...
"...I have nowhere else to go."
That was the first truly honest thing I'd ever said in my life. At that moment, I really did not know what to do now. All my life, I'd been purely focused on survival, on finding my next meal; Surviving and avoiding death at every turn. Rarely did I have time to consider what my long-term goals were. And now that I wasn't sure how to confront Joel...
I was lost.
...
I averted my eyes from her, suspecting that she would find that to be a very pathetic answer, and likely press me further on where I was-
"Well... you could join us."
...
"Huh?"
I looked up at her once again; shocked as she said the statement with an expression of mild caution.
"Now, obviously, you need to hand in everything you have, and we need to make sure you aren't actually a part of some group trying to swindle and kill us. And we have to see if everyone in the city is fine with you being there. But..."
She scratched her head in thought.
"...I mean, I don't see the harm in bringing you in otherwise."
...
...
I... didn't know how to respond. This wasn't the first time I'd been given the chance to join a settlement, but... this was the first time it hadn't been through intimidation or cynicism. I was... genuinely being invited into a settlement; To be a part of its culture, its people, its traditions and to protect its welfare...
"...Okay." I eventually muttered.
"What?"
"I said okay!"
"Oh. Alright, then! Well, hand 'em over."
She said this, outstretching her hand and beckoning for me to hand over my firearms.
"I'd really rather not."
Ellie raised an eyebrow.
"You know, that's not exactly inspiring confidence in me, considering how you're supposed to be winning my trust right now?"
"These weapons of mine have kept me alive in this hellscape of a world for all of my life. You seem like somebody who should know the risk of being without one."
Ellie fell silent, that focused gaze present in her face once more.
"...I feel like there's a lot of stuff you haven't told me. Well, I guess that's fine, for right now."
She stood up, dusting off her pants.
"Right now, I don't distrust you. But I don't exactly trust you fully, either. So, can you just hand them over for right now, at least?"
Looking up at her, I hesitated still, unsure of what to do. After some consideration, I stood up, and begrudgingly unholstered my sidearm, grabbing the gun by the barrel and handing it to her. She took it and tucked it in her waistband.
"Anything else?" She asked.
"I... yeah."
I stepped off my sleeping bag, pushing it aside to reveal an AR-15 and three pistols. Ellie sighed.
"Quite the arsenal, huh?"
I wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed or amused by her quips, but I said nothing either way. She slung the strap of the rifle around her shoulder, stuffing the remaining pistols in the sleeping bag and rolling it up, carrying it under her arm.
"Alright then. Let's head into town. I'm gonna warn you to be, uh, easygoing if they don't treat you so friendly at first."
I nodded once, and as she began walking out the door, I quickly and quietly patted the back sole of my boot to make sure my small knife was still tucked in between my heel and the boot interior.
"You coming?"
"Yeah."
