Chapter XIII: Hero

"Urgggh... fuck..."


(Music: "You Gotta Move", by Mississippi Fred McDowell)


I found myself awaking groggily in the same lodge as before, which irritated me to no end. This was the second time I had passed out- a terrible habit to form in this cutthroat world. Still, the grogginess was the least of my misery; My body ached from the patched shrapnel wounds across my back and sides, and each wound worked to cause me searing pain in collective effort.

As consciousness slowly stabbed me awake, I groaned to pick myself up from the bed, tired of the perpetual cycle of getting knocked unconscious by pain and exhaustion, then waking back up to the same mess. Laying my head in one hand, I glanced around the room idly; And was surprised to suddenly notice a glass of water, a bottle of Shiner beer, several dozen bouquets of flowers, and an enclosed white letter sitting on the wooden table adjacent to my bed. The sight was more than a bit to take in at once, followed by a faint feeling of confusion. I hadn't a clue what all this was here for, but I supposed it was for none other than me; Picking myself up from the bed tiredly, I limped over to try and open the beer, which was already lukewarm from how long I'd been passed out (however long that was).

And yet, picking up the beer, I quickly realized I had no bottle opener for which to... open the bottle. Groaning exhausted frustration, I thought to try placing the edge of the bottlecap against the edge of the wooden table and slam my palm against it from above to pop it off. I tried doing so-

Scritch!

"Oh, shit!" I cursed; As I slammed my palm onto the bottlecap, it persisted in its hold around the glass lip of the bottle and instead tore a small scratch through the edge of the table, permanently scarring the quaint wooden design. "Damn it all!"

I growled at the bottle, irritated that it had taken more from me than I had from it. I thought of throwing its malicious contents at the floor in a blind fury to release some pent-up anger, when my eyes happened upon the letter once more. My frustration dissipated; I set down the bottle begrudgingly and picked up the letter, turning it over in curiosity.

Ellie

I could not discern the spelling, but I sensed that it was from Ellie, considering there was no one else in the camp who knew me well at all- aside from Joel.

Sssskkkch!

The tape's adhesive persisted in its hold on the letter and tore off a large portion of the envelope front despite my gentle handling.

"FUUUUUCK!" I cursed loudly, slamming my boot into the leg of the table- except I didn't have boots on, so instead I slammed my toe into the leg, causing me to collapse to the floor, writhing in despair, followed by muted and plentiful cursing. After a few moments of groaning agony, I managed to pick myself back up, opening the rest of the letter without care and pulling out the small folded paper inside. I unfolded the paper, staring at its contents:


(Music: "Allowed to Be Happy", by Gustavo Santaolalla)


Dear Jack,

I am sorry if your beer is warm and tastes like shit by the time you wake up, but we didn't have any coolers to spare while dealing with the shitstorm that just hit us. The Wyotes launched two more attacks on the town while we were bringing you back here, so we had to rush around. There is so much I want to say but I don't have time, there is gunfire at the walls as I'm writing this still, I think this is the third attack now.

I cannot express enough how thankful I am, the village too, for what you did. It was unbelievable. I had arrived there minutes after the raid, expecting much worse, and seeing a pile of their corpses instead. I heard from the others there, what they said I still can't believe even now. Because of you, they failed to get inside at all and now we are holding them in a stalemate at the southern wall. Their casualties outnumber ours.

I have to go now and help in the defense. But when I get back, I want to say so much more in person-


"What the fuck?"

I stared at the letter blankly; Unable to read its contents. It angered me now that I lacked a skill I thought to be useless in years past, and decided to find someone to read the letter to-

NO!

As much as I wanted to find out the content of the letters, my pride would not allow me to reveal this weakness to anyone. It was a serious detriment to not know how to read or write in a society like this, where violence was not a part of everyday interactions. And with the wrong person knowing, it could be turned into a weapon against me.

Nonetheless, I had to find out what it said- either from Ellie or Joel. I hurried to the door, but-

"GAH!"

Despite my urgency, my body practically failed me, sending me careening to the floor as my legs gave out from exhaustion. I groaned in furious pain once more, but with building desperation and determination, I crawled towards the door hurriedly, raising my hand up to twist the knob; As the door swung open inwardly, I fell back to the ground with a yelp of pain, raising my head-


...

Standing right outside the door, as if about to knock.. was Joel. The look in his eyes was far too complex to vocalize- the way he stared at me was like someone staring at their loved one coming out of a long coma.

Several dozen people, including those I had been acquainted with -Ellie, Jesse, Owen- were standing further outside in the snow, with all kinds of wrapped foods and gifts in their hands. A mixture of shock and perplexity tore my mind asunder, and I lost momentary consciousness.

...

...

...

"Jack! Hey, you good man?!"

Fuck no, was all I could think amidst the overwhelming of my senses.

I was constantly underestimating the fatigue which had set over my body like a lead blanket. Most of my energy was spent forming words to communicate with the gaggle of people around me. Though, seeing the gifts they carried, and assuming they were meant for me,

I felt a little bit better.

"I..." I whispered in pain, and Jesse, who'd been holding my head above the snow, leaned down to better hear me.

"Wh-What was that, Jack?"

"I... I need... A cold drink."

Jesse looked over curiously at the lodge, then back at me, a prolonged action that pissed me off immensely.

"But you had a beer on the table when we left, didn't you?"

I KNOW, BASTARD! I SAID A COLD DRINK, I thought in sheer agony. Calming myself (for the sake of my physical pain), I spoke again. "I... didn't have a bottle opener..."

Jesse expressed despair at my misfortune, but for a far different reason.

"The, uh... bottle had a twist-off cap."

"Of course it did." I chuckled humorlessly.

Of COURSE, it fucking did!


The walk to the bar was positively serene compared to the earlier hellfire of the battlefield. I hated how many of the people standing outside during our walk had noticed me and came flocking over, showering me with praise and admiration; Most of them either stared at me in awe or sobbed and thanked me for what they insisted was 'a heroic act'. They weren't wrong, to an extent- if those bandits had gotten through the hole, they would have spread throughout the settlement like a quick-killing infection, burning and looting and killing everything in sight.

What I did had saved many lives, but... looking around at their teary-eyed faces, seeing the sheer gratitude that enveloped them so strongly... all I could think about was how I had been on the other side of that wall before; I had seen that nightmare scenario unfold far too many times to now take praise from it. I had raided settlements, killed innocent people. Looted homes, destroyed families.

I never regretted those I'd killed in the past. I never thought about their families, their bonds and relationships, their passions and experiences and memories. I was a killer, born to shit and raised in hell. There was no other path I could have taken; Any other route would have meant death, plain and simple.

Hell, the only reason I had to kill those raiders was for my own self-preservation, and of the habitat I temporarily found assured safety in. This 'heroism' was merely a convenient excuse that'd fallen into my lap. And I was not one to protest convenience.

This life forged me. Either I molded into a sharp blade, to kill, or I would shatter into pieces.

On the way to the bar, which I had found out (the second time around) was called the 'Lazy Bison', I had found myself rather speechless around Joel and Ellie, who were walking next to me on either side. Joel seemed equally as mute, and we were left to an awkward silence on the walk.

"You know," Ellie suddenly spoke, her eyes glancing over both of us with concern and curiosity. "When we start drinkin', I want to know about you two. Both of you have been... secretive about each other. It's a bit too unnerving how similar you both are, and it's not like I can't tell there's something between you two."

Her words were met by two silently stoic faces looking forward and remaining unwilling to divulge any information, as if confirming her similarity theory. She sighed as she turned back to the trail, muttering some unsavory words and eyeing us repeatedly. Meanwhile, I was left to walk alongside the singular person I had been (maliciously) searching for the past 15 years, and only recently dropped my deadly hostility towards. The broiling emotions inside me could not be described in words; But if I were to open my mouth, something unpleasant or crass would certainly be said.

The first confrontation with Joel (after the snowed-in factory) had been... informative, but it did not clear away all of the pent-up aggression and wrath I had bottled up in myself over so many years for this man. Even looking at him launched me through a myriad of bad memories and uncontrollable anger.

The only option, at this point, was to remain silent.


(Music: "Thirteen Silver Dollars", by Colter Wall)


"There it is." Owen cackled mischieviously alongside Jesse and a few others in the group that had initially gathered to greet me at my own damn (temporary) house. The action, while certainly heartwarming, was also really dumb and kind of creepy- sitting outside someone's house, in the snow, waiting for them to walk out and get bombarded by praise and congratulations?

Awful. Still, for some inane reason, I found it exceedingly difficult to be properly irritated with these people.

We headed inside, and I once again suffered the agonizing creaking of the swinging doors, before we all sat down at a few tables and ordered drinks. Half the group was offering to pay for the first round, which I found kind of endearing until I learned through a few whispers across the table that everyone here, having participated in the earlier battle, was getting a big paycheck from the township for their 'valor'. And so I felt a lot less endeared.

Also, where the fuck was my paycheck?! Instead I got a bunch of uprooted plants and piss-warm beer! AND a letter I couldn't fuckin' read! GODDAMNIT!

"Hey, Jack. What you want, my man?"

I was disrupted from riled-up thoughts by Jesse, who had called over a waitress to order alcohol. He called out my name in the same way you'd expect a person to call out to a long-lost friend. Eugh. I waved dismissively, trying to get everyone's eyes off of me- It drove my paranoia up the wall, as if any one of them was suddenly going to unholster their gun and paint the walls with my brain matter.

"I-I'm good for right now..."

"Awww, come on, Jack! Lucky Jack, they're calling you now!"

"Huh?"

Jesse grinned and nodded excitedly, and I was bit more unnerved when the waitress also grinned and nodded with him.

"Everyone's heard about that crazy shit you pulled at the southern wall! You're a legend, bro!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GODDDAAAAMMMMNNNNIIITTTTT!

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to suppress the terror and sheer RAGE that was filling every pore of my body. 16 YEARS OF SECRECY, DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN! WHAT HAD I SPENT ALL THAT TIME DOING?! JUST TO GET EXPOSED LIKE THIS!

"The guy just woke up, Jesse." Ellie suddenly stepped in. "Give him some peace, will ya?"

Jesse became sheepish as Ellie interjected, sinking back in his chair.

"Oh, uh..."

He turned to me, a sad look on his face.

"Sorry, man. I didn't mean to come right out of the gate like that."

"...It's fine."

Those words were all I could muster, for I was holding back a tidal wave of agony and sheer apoplectic rage at the fact that my identity had been plastered and tossed around town by word-of-mouth so quickly, after spending an insurmountable amount of years keeping to myself and away from any kind of attention.

As if sensing the malice radiating off of me, Jesse chuckled nervously and immediately ordered shots for everyone. In the midst of the chatter and conversation, Joel had quietly excused himself and left the restaurant, then came back and hung around the bar area, keeping a frequent eye on me. I didn't have a damn clue what he was up to, but at the moment I didn't care.

Right now, I wanted to talk to Ellie-

"Alright, I'll leave y'all for right now. I gotta speak with some of the soldiers about the raid. I'll be back!"

"Alright, see ya Ellie!" Jesse responded enthusiastically, looking around at his friends with a stupid grin before setting on my scowling face. "Why the long face, Jack? We got free shots ALLL NIGHT! Let's get FUCKED UP!" He shouted enthusiastically, patting me roughly on the back in tandem with the joyous cheering from the other members at the table.

The urge to murder never ceased.