Chapter Three
The silence was for once, deafening.
Ross and Rachel sat quietly in front of each other in his apartment's dining slash living room. It was Sunday night and they had agreed to meet here in order to get as much as privacy he could get.
Ross casted his glance toward the room, looking anywhere but her. And it wasn't like he didn't want to fix this; he just simply didn't know where to begin. Rachel was awfully quiet ever since she arrived merely ten minutes ago - he had noted, and the silence was getting more and more unnerving. It was only when he felt like her gaze was finally resting on him, he averted back his attention to her and he sucked his breath at the sight waiting for him.
Her eyes were red with unshed tears.
Oh, Rachel…
It broke his heart into a million pieces seeing her like this.
"Rach…" he breathed out, his hand already reaching out to wipe the first tears dropped from her blue ones.
The gesture, it appeared, didn't seem to console her. Instead, it was like the dam finally broke, she cried openly. Instinctively, he shifted from his seat and sat next to her. He then cradled her head, pulling her into his chest – murmuring soft reassurances into her ears.
"S-sorry," she whispered into his chest as her tears slowly subsided.
"It's going to be okay, Rach," he whispered softly, stroking her hair into a soothing motion and even dropped a kiss to her head at some point. "We're going to be okay."
It seemed like it was what exactly she needed to hear, because she finally pulled away, looking at him with her big blue eyes – still filled with tears, but instead of a look of despair, this time it was hope looking straight back at him.
"Y-yeah?" she hiccupped.
"I promise," he murmured as he dropped another kiss, this time to her forehead.
For the first time that day, she finally cracked a small smile as she squeezed his hand. He squeezed her hand back before he moved into his original seat.
Ross was about to open his mouth to say something when he heard her voice - small, with a hint of anguish in it.
"I had a nightmare the other night," she confessed quietly, almost like a secret.
"What happened?" his voice was soft, tinged with concern.
"We had a fight, a huge fight," she clarified. "It was almost like the fight we had, only bigger… and this time..." she sucked a breath, closing her eyes as the nightmare flashbacked.
His hand reached across the table, finding her hand for support, and at his touch, she finally lifted her head to look at him again.
"What happened?" he gently repeated his earlier question.
"I-I don't know if we had broken up, it was fuzzy now, but what triggered the fight – what made it worse than the one we had, is because in my dream, you slept with someone else."
He let out a loud gasp, detaching his hand from her as he shook his head almost desperately, "I-I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't do that to you."
"I know," she sighed, assuring him that she was telling the truth as this time, it was her who reached across the table to hold his hand. "I know," she repeated firmly. "-but we eventually broke up, Ross… We didn't make it," she whimpered, the anguish on his eyes still haunting her until now.
"Rach…" he breathed, holding her hand tighter as it could anchor them both back to reality.
"It's only a dream," she wiped her tears away – refusing to let the nightmare ruin it for them. "It's just a silly dream, Ross. But it only solidified what I already knew. I love you and I don't want to live my life without you."
"That makes us both," he agreed. "I love you, Rach… and I've been thinking a lot these couple days… and I think I finally understand why I'm so jealous of Mark. Why can't I seem to…"
Damn it, he swallowed.
This was harder than he thought it would be.
He was fully aware that the truth was going to hurt her.
"That's okay, you can say it," she smiled sadly, but when he said nothing, she did it for him. "You don't trust me."
It felt like a punch to her gut, but the look on his eyes confirmed her suspicion. She had been thinking a lot too and it brought her back to their conversation back at the coffee house a couple weeks ago.
I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now if it's possible, I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well, that someone is not going to take you away.
In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have dismissed his concern so quickly. He never brought it up again after that day, so she innocently thought he had gotten over it. But maybe, she should have pushed harder. She was too scared to start a fight with him, so she had avoided the subject. But maybe, if she took it more seriously…
"I-I can't even deny that," Ross admitted dejectedly.
Rachel sighed.
"I'm not Carol, Ross," she began. "I wouldn't cheat on you. No one is going to take me away. I'm not going anywhere."
"I know," he sighed.
She cocked her eyebrow, "Do you, really?"
"I don't know, okay?" he sighed exasperatedly, feeling incredibly frustrated with himself. "Sometimes it feels like I can trust you. I think most of the time, I do trust you... It's just…"
"It's just what?" she was almost afraid to ask.
"When someone like Mark came along, someone better than me… I-I uh, I wonder why you stick around," his voice was low, like he was ashamed to admit it, but Rachel heard it loud and clear and again, it felt like another stab to her chest.
First, she was furious. She was furious alright.
Did he just question her love for him?
She was about to yell at him, maybe even shake him a little, but then she saw it. The insecurity in his eyes. It was so familiar. It reminded her of him, not this Ross. But the younger Ross Geller, the awkward boy in high school, Monica's geeky older brother.
He used to look that way all the time – uncertain about himself, shying away from the world, hiding himself away. It was one thing that actually surprised her the most by the time they met again for the first time after years of being apart. He had changed, although not drastically, but the hint of insecurity wasn't a constant present anymore. He still got really nervous around her – that much she was aware, but then he talked about his job - his passion, and there was not a single insecurity presented in him.
He grew up to be such an amazing man, a doting father, a loving brother, a loyal friend. Why couldn't he see that?
He was all that she wanted.
He was all that she needed.
He was the love of her life.
And Rachel was very determined to make him believe just how much she loved him.
"I love you, Ross. Not Mark, not anyone else," she stated fiercely. "I love you, so much. And I'm going to keep showing how much until you believe in me, because Ross... I know you love me. You love me the way no one else ever does and that feeling, Ross? That feeling knowing someone loves you that much, it's so magical." she stared at him, her eyes beaming with so much happiness.
Oh. Oh.
He did that to her?
He made her that happy, huh?
"I want that for you, Ross. I want you to feel that too, the joy you gave me," she murmured. "You are such an amazing man, Ross. A wonderful dad. A loving brother. A loyal friend. You're not only my boyfriend, but you're my best friend. You make me happier than I ever was. Don't you see? You're the one I've been looking for the whole time, and so much more."
She wasn't lying.
She didn't only find passion in their relationship. She also found friendship, companionship, and partnership. She found everything, and more.
"I love you," she repeated again, her eyes were shining with fresh tears at this point and slowly, he brought his palm to her cheeks – wiping the first batch of tears away.
"You love me that much?" he whispered softly.
She grabbed his hand, holding it steady across her cheeks, "I do, I really do. You're the love of my life, Ross. Don't ever forget that."
His hazel eyes glistened with so much happiness as he murmured, "Y-yeah?"
"Yeah," she sighed, smiling as she traced his jaw with her fingers.
God, this beautiful man.
It's so heartbreaking to know that he didn't believe anyone would love him that much. She'd change that. She'd make sure every day he knew, how much she loved him. She'd make sure he never forgets.
And she thought she knew where to begin.
"About my job," she began determinedly.
Her job, another thing that they needed to address.
Ross straightened a bit, although to her relief, instead of drawing his hand completely, he rested them back on top of her hand that was resting on the table.
"It's important, but it's not everything," she said. "It's not more important than our relationship, than you."
She really needed for him to know it, for him to understand.
"-but it doesn't mean that it isn't important," she added before he could even say another word. "I love my job, Ross. I love working in the fashion industry. It feels like… it feels like for once, I'm doing something I'm really good at, you know?"
"I know and I might not express it a lot, but I'm so proud of you, Rach…"
Rachel chewed her lips, "-but you hate it."
Ross sighed, his smile flattened a bit, "I don't hate it per se. I just don't like how much time you spent on your job..."
She was about to open her mouth to protest, but he stopped her.
"Just hear me out, okay?"
She relented.
"It's just lately, it feels like I'm slowly losing you. We barely seen each other, Rach, and I missed you so much," he confessed. "I wasn't going to say anything at first, because I know how important this was for you, and I figured over the time, you'd spent less and less time at work. But-"
"The anniversary," her eyes widened as this time, she cut him off. "I refused to eat lunch with you, I told you I don't want you there."
Ross' face fell at the memory, "I just want to spend time with you and you didn't even acknowledge my efforts, Rach… and since we're being honest with each other here… It feels a lot like you didn't care, about us, about me... That hurts, so much."
He wanted to say more.
He wanted to tell her about the proposal. How he had spent months to make sure it went perfectly, only for her to ruin it last minute. He wanted to tell her everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't because he knew it would destroy her and they had enough heartaches as it was. He didn't need to add it to their piles.
This could be something that he'd carry alone.
He'd spare her from the pain.
"I'm sorry," he heard her murmur.
Was this why he didn't believe how much she loved him?
She really sucked at showing it, didn't she?
"I didn't mean to hurt you like that and I know anything I'd say would sound like more excuses to you, so I'm not going to say anything else. But please believe me when I say, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I took you for granted, I took us for granted."
"I just want to make our anniversary special," he admitted softly.
She squeezed his hand, "You already make it special, Ross. You made me breakfast in bed that morning, you kissed me goodbye as you walked me to my office. I maybe sucks at showing my gratitude, but I appreciate everything you did for me, even the lunch."
Ross was still skeptical, especially when it came to the lunch he bought for her. If he was being honest, he was almost sure that lunch ended up in a trash bag, long forgotten.
"I felt really bad after you left," she admitted. "-and I finished it, everything you brought me. I know it's late, but thank you, especially for slipping that cheesecake I love so much. I can't believe you went all the way there to get it for me."
"I just want to make you happy," he shrugged, his cheeks slightly pinked.
Rachel's lips curved into the biggest smile.
"I am happy, Ross," she said confidently. "Don't you see? You make me happy."
"You make me happy too, everyday…" he murmured.
She grinned, squeezing his hand once more.
God, she couldn't lose this.
"I'm gonna cut back my hours at work, I won't stay late unless I really have to," she said resolutely. "I won't let my job ruin what we have, Ross," she promised.
She was going to do everything in her power to make sure they stayed together.
"Rach," Ross frowned, "I-I don't want you to sacrifice your job for me."
"I'm not sacrificing anything," she assured him. "You see… The reason I'm staying late at work is because I'm trying to prove myself and not only to my boss or my coworkers, but to my family… to our friends… and more importantly, to you…"
Ross was stunned at her revelation.
"You have nothing to prove, whether it is to me or to anyone for that matter," he protested.
"But I do," she insisted. "I admire your passion, Ross. You inspire me to find something I really love. I wanted what you have, that passion for my own career."
Wow. He was… touched.
He never thought she saw him that way.
"I want to be like you, to be able to do something I love for a living. That's why when I landed this job, I worked my ass off to make sure that people realize I deserve it – that I didn't get the job because of my look. I want to show it to you, that I too, can find a decent job. That I'm worthy of it."
It hit him hard then.
His stomach rolled as he thought about it, the very reason why she felt like she needed to prove something to him.
The list.
The damn list.
This was all about it, wasn't it?
He placed that seed of insecurity into her?
He did this.
"Oh god, Rach…"
"Now you know," she murmured softly and judging by the look on her eyes, she also knew that he knew.
God, his head hurt.
"I-I didn't mean that way," he panicked, not knowing how to explain it to her – to make it better. "Oh god, Rach. I can't believe I made you doubt yourself. I mean, after everything I told you about mine… I-I would never wish it on anyone, especially not you."
Rachel shrugged, dropping her eyes, "It happened a long time ago, I already said I forgave you. It's okay."
"It's clearly not okay!" he raised his voice a bit, making her drift her eyes back to him – this time widened with shock.
Ross chided himself inwardly.
"I'm sorry," he apologized immediately upon seeing the look on her eyes, "I'm sorry, Rach, for ever making you feel that way, to make you feel inadequate." He grabbed both of her hands, holding it in his as he stared into her beautiful blue ones, "You're amazing, Rach. I know it wasn't easy for you to leave everything behind and start over, but that was just how brave you are. You said you admired my passion, Rach? Well… every day, I'm amazed with your strength. Not everyone can do what you did, Rach. Starting over, from the bottom… and I'm so proud of you. I am really proud of you for making it this far."
Rachel teared up, not even bothering to wipe her tears away as she gave him a thankful smile.
"I mean it, Rach… You have nothing to prove to me, Rach. I already know you deserve this job more than anyone else. And I promise, I'll do better to show my support for you, to show you how much I am proud of you."
"T-thank you," she sobbed. "-that means a lot to me," she added quietly.
"I'm gonna come over and kiss you now."
She laughed, wiping her tears away as she said, "You better."
He stood up, making his way toward her, and then he scooped her into a kiss. They lingered, taking their time to kiss away the hurt, the uncertainties, the pain… leaving them all behind, once and for all.
A/N
Writing these scenes - the conversations, was harder than I thought it'd be. I had to make it look like I didn't pick a side or deliberately making one came up worse than the other. I honestly think they're both at flaws here. They made their fair share of mistakes and I don't think one is bigger than the other. What they really needed was a conversation, so I hope I can give them that kind of closure here.
And don't worry, this is definitely not the ending ;)
