A/N — this story hasn't been fun to write or, I imagine, to read. But we're hitting a turning point so I hope you won't give up on me now. xoxo — kals

x

Chapter 15: For a minute, I forget that I'm older, I wanna dance with you right now, oh, And you look as beautiful as ever

x

"Hey Doc." Danny knocked on the door, pausing as he entered the small room. Although Sasha initially conditioned his spot on Delta on weekly counseling sessions, the fact that the team was left for Panama two weeks after Danny's discharge from the PTSD program meant that he met with the guy all of once, maybe twice, before heading into the field. There were a few remote sessions at the beginning, but then they were cut off completely. Upon returning to the States, Danny had met briefly with the psychologist who had to clear him for active duty, and then settled into weekly appointments with Joshua that involved just as much discussion of baseball as they did about Danny's "issues" — all of which centered around work. This appointment, however, was not on the regular schedule. Instead, Danny had specifically called for this appointment. Frankly, Danny wasn't entirely sure why he was doing, except that Mike was right.

He needed to find some way to fix the mess he made at home.

"Danny, good to see you." Josh stood up to shake Danny's hand, before gesturing towards the various seating options. The desk, a small table and a couch. "Sit wherever you want."

Danny made a beeline for the table, making sure to take the chair that put his back to the corner so he could watch the door. Josh followed after gathering a pad of paper. "So what brings you here today?"

"I..." Danny paused, taking a deep breath, before jumping right in. It was easier this time, telling Joshua about Zack and what happened in Connecticut. Danny even told Joshua about the situation with Kara, something he managed never mentioning before. By the time Danny was done, he realized that he had been talking for nearly forty minutes. "So I guess that's why I'm here."

Josh nodded. Rising. "Coffee? Water?"

"Coffee would be good," Danny replied, watching as Josh moved to the machine behind his desk.

Josh placed the cups down on the table. "Just to make sure that I understand, you haven't lived at your house for about seven months now but you continue to refer to Kara as your wife. Do you see yourself as separated?"

Danny considered the question. "I don't know."

"Well, have you had sex with anyone else?"

Danny scowled, irritated by the question. "Of course not. I'm married."

Josh made a note on his pad. "So you still think of yourself as married. What about Kara? You mentioned that she gave you back her wedding ring. Is she seeing anyone else?"

God, just the idea made his stomach tighten. "No, I don't think so. Pretty sure she would have said something before we," Danny paused, feeling suddenly awkward at describing sex with his own damn wife, "before we, um, hung out."

"Hmmmm..." Josh looked at his notepad again, and Danny found his hands clenching into fists. "I've got to tell you, Danny, I'm perplexed. From what I'm hearing, you love your wife and son. You want to be married. You aren't cheating. So why are you doing everything possible to drive your family away?"

Danny felt his anger spike, his blood pressure rising. Hadn't Joshua been listening at all? "That's why I'm here. That whole thing with Zack, it got in my head and I made a mess of everything. Tell me how to fix it, Doc, so I can start focusing on this damn war like I should be."

"Danny, I can't tell you what is going on inside your own head," Josh replied evenly. He leaned backwards, pencil tapping against his hand, regarding Danny steadily. "But, if I had to hazard a guess, I would guess that you're scared."

"Scared? You mean of hurting them," Danny nodded, both annoyed and relieved to hear the words he was half expecting. While Mike might be right about the past, that didn't mean Danny wouldn't hurt Kara or Frankie now.

"No, you're scared of them hurting you," Josh replied. Ignoring Danny's disbelieving stare, the man continued. "I've gone over your history, Danny. Despite repeated trauma, you passed all routine psychological evaluations without issue even following your injury in Rota. The first major problem appeared after your trip to Connecticut. That seems to have been the trigger."

"That's not news, Doc," Danny replied impatiently. "Kara's half my size and Frankie's five. There's no way either of them could hurt me. Why the hell would I be scared of them hurting me?"

"Not all pain is physical," Josh replied bluntly. He tapped his pencil on the paper. "Let me ask this, Danny. You said the only reason you went to Connecticut in the first place was to give your nieces a proper burial. Have you done anything with the remains?"

"No," Danny admitted.

Joshua leaned forward. "Where are they?"

"At the house," Danny answered reluctantly.

"And over the past year you haven't had a single opportunity to bury them?" Joshua raised an eyebrow, as though seeing through the excuse that Danny was about to use. "

Danny felt his hands clenching. "It just never felt right."

"You're avoiding the question, Danny. Tell me, why haven't you given your family the burial they deserve?"

"Because Zack doesn't deserve it!" Danny snapped, slamming a fist into his leg. The anger festering for the last year exploding in one sentence. "Chloe wasn't sick. She shouldn't be dead. He took her away from me. He took them all away from me." His voice cracked. "He left me alone."

Zack had made sure that Danny had nobody left to go home to.

Joshua sat back, letting silence fall between them. "It's okay to be angry, Danny. No matter how we frame your brother's actions, the result is the same — you lost your entire family of origin." Joshua paused, tapping that damn pencil again. "Kara's work is dangerous, clearly. You almost lost both of them before your son was born. And then, on the heels of learning what your brother did, Frankie sustained a major injury. My suspicion is that those events all became entangled in your brain. Subconsciously, by staying away from Kara and Frankie, you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt that way again. Walking away voluntarily gives you some measure of control."

I love you. Stay away from me.

Those words from so long ago echoed through Danny's head. He wasn't that man anymore, the one who ran away rather than dealing with problems head-on.

He wasn't.

Danny gritted his teeth. "That's crazy. I don't want to hurt Kara and Frankie. That's why I stay away."

"Do you worry about hurting your team, Danny?" Josh asked, the abrupt shift giving Danny whiplash.

"What kind of question is that?" Danny snapped back. "Of course not. If I thought I wasn't fit for duty, I wouldn't go."

"Well," Josh explained. "You said that you worry that you might hurt your wife and son. It makes sense that you would also worry about hurting your team. After all, it seems more likely that you would be triggered by an event in the field as opposed to your own house."

Danny crossed his arms. "It's completely different."

"How is it different?"

The quiet question was exasperating. Danny threw up his hands. "It just is!"

Joshua was quiet for long enough that Danny thought — hoped, really — that he had accepted Danny's answer. But then Joshua spoke. "Could that be because you're mentally prepared to lose your team in a way that you aren't prepared to lose your family? Because death in combat is a necessary component of the job?"

"Dead is dead," Danny replied, the words rolling off his tongue without thought.

"Actually, cause of death impacts us deeply. The death of a grandmother in her 90s, in their own bed, impacts us far differently than the murder of a nine-year-old girl by her own father," Joshua replied, so calmly that it took Danny a moment to register what Joshua was saying. Bile began churning in his stomach. Murder. Yet that was accurate, wasn't it? Zack murdered Chloe. Joshua was still talking. "We've talked about how hard it was for you to deal with your friend Benz's death, one at his own hand, even knowing that he was facing certain death. But that can hardly compare to learning what your brother did. Why wouldn't you be afraid of putting yourself back in that position? If your brother could hurt you like that, what's to say that your wife couldn't do the same? Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves and you're attempting to do that by staying away."

"That..." Danny felt as though he'd been punched, his head spinning. "Kara would never hurt me. Never."

Joshua lifted an eyebrow. "It didn't hurt spending weeks picturing the Nathan James at the bottom of the ocean, everyone aboard dead?"

"Of course that sucked," Danny replied, angry at the very question. "But none of that was Kara's fault."

"No, it wasn't," Joshua agreed, tone irritatingly calm, as though Danny missed the point. "You know yourself best, Danny, and if you say that I'm wrong, maybe I am. But I want you to think about this question until our next session. Do you think it would have hurt less if Kara died today than it would have hurt a year ago?"

No.

"And, as a follow up," Joshua continued, "think about how you would feel right now if Kara had died in the attack, while the two of you were estranged."

It would destroy him.

Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually.

Wondering whether things might have been different.

If he had been home...

If he had asked her to move to shore duty...

If they had that second baby they talked about...

If, if, if...

"Because once you know the answer to those questions, you'll know what you need to do." Joshua stood. "Perhaps we should talk more. Tomorrow? Same time?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's good," Danny replied absently as he stood, walking to the door. Refusing to admit, even to himself, that he already knew what Joshua was going to say.

Go home.