A/N: There's a lot of dialogue in this one xD Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own this.
The first thing Harley heard was a distinctive cackle.
It took a long, slow second, but she recognized it as Miss Valentine's. She realized, eyes still shut, that she was flat out on something hard and smooth that smelled like a candle. Her high-tops were trapped below her, and her knees were bent for some reason. How in the hell could I have possibly passed out—
Then she remembered.
Harley flicked her eyes open and struggled upright, slamming her hands down on either side of her. She squinted up at the cerulean sky overhead to note that at least it couldn't have been long. When her eyes had adjusted to the bright sunshine, the afterimage starting to fade and strange white specks appearing in the air, she lowered her gaze to take in the scene in the big clearing before her.
And God, it was quite a scene. Aside from Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, respectively unreadable as usual and maniacally cheerful, she spotted an unfamiliar man in a striped shirt with the strangest fucking hairdo she'd ever seen. Past him, on a picnic blanket in the grass, a skinny girl was sitting cross-legged, looking completely unbothered.
Judging from the unfamiliar man's hair, styled upward to resemble the number 3, he must have been Mr. 3. Of course.
Harley glanced around what seemed to be the shelf of wax her high-tops were stuck in. Zoro stood on her right, his boots in the same wax, and Vivi and Nami stood on her left, just as trapped. Harley couldn't resist throwing the two girls a peace sign as they looked over, and she flashed a grin at Vivi. "What's up?"
"What's…up?" said Vivi in disbelief.
"Trick question," said Harley as she held her arms out and windmilled them to flail upright. "It's me."
Harley hurried to unclip the bandages around her palms and unwrapped them. She flung the bandages aside and drew in a breath as she lifted her hands. Okay, who to target? She'd heard Mr. 3's power had something to do with wax, right? That had to mean he was in control of the substance destroying her favorite pair of sneakers. Might as well give it a go.
She focused, her heart pounding—and after a second of forced concentration, she shot a jet of ink at Mr. 3. He yelped. "Go left!" Zoro ordered. Harley complied and was rewarded with an affronted gasp from Miss Valentine—
Something slammed into her hand. Harley held her hands as far apart as possible, and as a result wax coated one hand and then the other without connecting them. She glanced down at her now useless hands, unsurprised, and although she doubted she still had any knives on her, she slapped the boxy wax comprising her hands all over herself in search of one. She didn't know how the hell she'd throw it if she did find one, but—
It wasn't an issue, because she had nothing.
Harley swore, irritation rising, and lifted her head again. She studied the shiny black ink still pooling on the wax in front of her and a shelf down, and she noted it had left a splattered trail across the swishing grass on its way to smack into Mr. 3 and Miss Valentine. Both had been wearing light colors and both looked put out.
She considered the numbered agents for a second and focused on Mr. 3, swatting at the ink on his previously khaki-colored pants. "Wow," she called down to him, and when he glanced up, she gave him her most flirtatious smile. She tilted her head a little. "You're really powerful, huh?"
"I—what?" said Mr. 3, bewildered.
"That's too bad," Harley continued, and she offered him a pretty pout. "There's no way a powerful, handsome numbered agent as high-ranked as you would even look twice at little old me."
She thought she heard Zoro huff a surprised laugh on her right, but at least Mr. 3 blinked at her as if mollified. "Well, I am rather powerful…"
"Hell yeah you are!" agreed Harley. "Are you single?"
"Maybe."
Harley brightened—then she let her face fall. "I wish we could have met before we were pitted against each other," she said to Mr. 3 with as much sincerity as she could muster. "I'm sure I don't have a chance with you now." She heaved a sigh and gazed past him, into the enormous jungle. "You seem to be a man of taste and class. We could've been great together."
Mr. 3 cleared his throat. "I—suppose," he started, and Harley glanced at him hopefully. "If just one of you escaped…"
Mr. 5 knocked him in the back of the head. "Man up! She's obviously just trying to trick you!"
Mr. 3 shook his head and scowled at Harley. "Hey! That's not fair!"
Shit—Harley tried to think. She willed moisture to gather in her eyes and made her lower lip tremble. "You know what's not fair?" she answered, her voice shaky. "That I'm going to die so young and beautiful! I don't deserve this!"
With that she burst into tears.
When this elicited no response within at least a minute aside from surprise and alarm, Harley gave up. She abruptly stopped, her face wet and her eyeliner surely smudged beyond repair, and looked at the three trapped in this wax with her. Zoro was staring at her with mingled disbelief and what might have been grudging respect, while Vivi was watching her with clear affection and Nami nodded with an approving frown. "I'm out of tricks," Harley informed them.
"Solid effort, though," said Nami.
Harley winked at her. "Thanks." She gestured as best she could with her waxy hands to the numbered agents. "So what's going on here?" She tilted her head toward Mr. 3. "I assume the dick with the stupid hair is making it snow."
"Hey!" shouted Mr. 3, offended.
"Excuse me!" Harley yelled with no hesitation. "We're trying to have a private conversation here!"
"This girl's insane," observed Mr. 5.
Harley ignored him and turned back toward Vivi. "A little help?"
"We're in some sort of—wax cake," Vivi explained. "We're supposed to be figurines. He's planning to turn us all into wax statues."
Harley blinked rapidly at her as the news sank in and as she belatedly realized it did feel rather odd to breathe somehow, as if the air were heavier. And because for some reason her knee-jerk reaction to almost everything was to make a sarcastic comment, she said, "I am gonna be one hot statue." Nami, Vivi, and Zoro groaned, and Harley continued, "People will travel for weeks to see me—"
"Harley—" started Vivi.
"What?" Harley asked back. "It's true!"
"Can you please not make a joke out of everything?!" Vivi snapped. "None of this is funny!"
Harley watched Vivi for a second—the princess was flushed pink, more flustered and nervous than Harley had ever seen her. Rather than answer, Harley glanced at Zoro. "I wasn't joking," she said in a low voice.
Zoro studied her, his dark brown eyes flicking over her face. The slightest amusement tugged at one corner of his mouth. "You're something else."
"All your talk is boring me," announced Mr. 3. Harley, Zoro, Vivi, and Nami all faced the numbered agents. "Let's get these candles going faster—it's time to turn you people into beautiful, artistic wax statues!"
For an instant Harley wasn't sure what candles he was referring to, and she realized there was a low, steady hum from overhead. She leaned backward and squinted up to find what appeared to be a half-pumpkin spinning a few levels up, burning candles lining the top. How is there still fire? Harley wondered as she watched the wax spin.
Nami gave a rattling cough. "My chest is starting to hurt." Harley glanced over to see her rub at her heart, one hand over her mouth. "The wax is starting to get into our lungs—at this rate he's gonna turn us into wax from the inside out!"
Mr. 3 cackled. "That's it!" he cried. "Make it look as if you're in as much pain as possible—that's perfect! Expressions of agony are what I seek to achieve in my art! The finished product will be simply splendid! You must die filled with terror!"
Harley swatted at the air around her as if that would prevent the flurrying wax from settling on her skin as Nami shouted back, "This isn't art, you weird-haired freak! You guys are gonna regret this! You're gonna pay for what you did to Broggy and Dorry and for what you're trying to do to us!"
"Who are Broggy and Dorry?" Harley asked Zoro.
"The giants," he answered, remarkably composed for the situation.
"The…who?"
Zoro tipped his head and Harley turned to see where he was indicating. To her surprise there was an enormous man lying on the ground beside the wax cake. Wait, Harley realized. If there was more than one giant here, that must have meant the thunderous sounds from earlier must've been caused by them. Had they been battling?
Harley supposed it didn't matter. What did matter was that she could feel wax lingering in her side-braid and making it heavier, and she was starting to suspect it was slicking one shoulder. "This isn't good," said Nami, audibly nervous. "My hands won't move—can't we do something? I don't want to die like this!"
"My body's already beginning to turn stiff!" said Vivi, her voice shaky. "What are we supposed to do?!"
Harley glanced at Zoro. "Any ideas?"
Zoro adjusted his grip on one of his three swords and gave Harley the faintest hint of a grin. For the first time Harley noticed a dimple in his cheek, and it was unbelievably cute. "Maybe," he said. Then he called, "Hey, giant. You can still move, right? Good—so can I." He unsheathed his sword by an inch. "I say we take 'em down together. What d'you think?" He withdrew his sword the rest of the way, a metallic shing accompanying the movement.
"Hold on a second," said Nami as Zoro withdrew another sword with clear calculation. "What're you doing? Are you—?!"
"Yeah."
"Quit messing around!" shouted Nami. "You're not gonna cut your own legs off!"
Oh God, thought Harley, tempted to give a hysterical laugh. As she struggled with it, Zoro said, "I'm not messing around at all. It's the only way to get us out of this situation. Are you in or out?"
"Are you insane?!" shrieked Vivi. "No way! Even if you get down from here you won't get far without legs!"
"There's no way to know for sure until we try," said Zoro, his voice already hard with determination. "So are you saying you'd rather just sit here and die? Why should we make it easy for those guys to kill us? Dying quietly without a struggle doesn't make you any less dead! Right?"
"The girl was right," said Mr. 5. "This guy's insane."
Harley finally laughed, probably sounding like a maniac. Though it was starting to feel a little tough to move her muscles too much, she managed to look at Zoro. "From one insane person to another," Harley said, something between amusement and nerves fluttering in her chest as more specks of wax fell, "let's do this."
"Harley!" cried Vivi.
"They're bluffing," said Mr. 3. "There's no way he'd do something as crazy as that. He's just trying to act tough so his friends will feel better."
"You haven't seen him in action," said Harley.
The giant chuckled. "All right, I'm in! Let's cut them to pieces!"
"You're not serious about this, are you?" asked Nami somewhat desperately. "How are you planning on fighting them afterward?!"
"Who knows?" said Zoro. "But I plan to win."
Harley half-glanced at him. "That's hot," she said, and as he rolled his eyes and refocused on the situation at hand, Harley crouched down as well as she could with her high-tops stuck beneath her. As conversation continued around her, she lifted her waxy right hand to smash it against the wax in the hopes of cracking it—
She distinctly heard Mr. 3 yelp, "Don't be foolish! What could you hope to accomplish?!"
And in the ensuing instant several things happened at once. The wax on Harley's hand started to crack, Zoro sliced downward with two swords and hissed as he did, Mr. 3 leapt further back from the wax cake—and a screaming cloud of dust hurtled out of the jungle.
Harley watched openmouthed as Luffy, Usopp, and Karoo shot past. "When I get back I'm gonna kick your asses!" Luffy shouted, his voice getting fainter as he moved further away. The three of them crashed to the ground just within the far edge of the clearing with an enormous burst of grass and dirt.
"Huh?" said Mr. 3, bewildered.
"Let's get 'em, Usopp!" Luffy shouted as the remaining dust faded and the three scrambled to their feet. Harley grinned as Usopp returned, "Yeah!" and Luffy added, "And bird guy!"
"Luffy!" shrieked Nami. "Usopp!"
"Karoo!" yelled Vivi.
Between relief at the trio's arrival and vague confusion as to where the hell Sanji had scampered off to, Harley glanced at Zoro. There was deep red blood seeping into the wax beside his calves. "Uh," said Harley, blinking down at it. "You good?"
"Oh, sure," said Zoro with effort.
"How far did you get?"
"About halfway."
Harley winced. "Your plan would've succeeded."
Zoro snorted. "There is that."
The trio that had abruptly appeared had reached the numbered agents, and from the sound of it had been arguing with them. Luffy glanced up at the four trapped in the wax cake. "Wait, are you guys in trouble?"
"Nope," said Zoro bracingly. "No trouble at all."
"Wait, Zoro," yelped Nami. "Your legs!"
"Yeah," said Zoro. "I made it about halfway through."
"And how exactly is that no trouble at all?!" shrieked Nami.
Harley gave her a skeptical glance. "Do you understand the concept of sarcasm?"
Nami shot her a dirty look. "Of course I do!"
At the same time Harley heard Zoro say something to Luffy—when she looked back toward those two, Luffy was grinning over at Mr. 3. "Yeah, no problem."
"Hah!" said Mr. 3. "I wouldn't be so sure."
Luffy and Usopp turned to face the wax cake. "I don't know what it is," said Luffy, "but let's break it."
"Right, let's do it," said Usopp. "Usopp, the Brave Warrior of the Sea, is ready to fight!"
Karoo quacked.
"Hurry it up, will you?!" yelled Nami as Usopp leapt gracefully onto Karoo's back, which Harley hadn't known was possible. "We're dying here!" She glanced at Zoro and frowned as much as she could with white wax covering half her face. "Zoro, why are you standing like that?"
Harley hadn't even noticed—a testament to how distracted she was by the wax slinking over her skin and hair—but Zoro had changed positions, one sword back in its sheath as he held the other out in front of him. He had his free hand braced against his hip. "If I'm gonna be a statue, I prefer this pose," he said to Nami, and Harley snickered.
"This is no time to be playing around!" cried Vivi, less impressed.
"Who said anything about playing?" returned Zoro.
"Do you think you could at least do something about all that blood? I'm getting nauseous just looking at it!" snapped Nami.
"So quit looking at it, then!"
"It's kind of hard to ignore! Do you still think it was a bright idea to cut your own legs off so we could escape?"
"That wasn't the point!" said Zoro. To Harley's surprise he was starting to sound genuinely irritated, and she hadn't thought anyone other than Sanji could provoke such a reaction. Of course Nami's shouting at the wrong person was starting to grate on Harley as well. "I was gonna cut them off so that we could fight!"
"Oh, was that the plan? Because that's an even worse idea."
"Whatever."
"Seriously. Sometimes I think you were born without any common sense at all!"
Harley wasn't sure why, but that was it—she couldn't resist. "Nami," she called, and she managed to turn her head only slightly, as her neck was starting to feel stiff. "I have to say you are way less cute when you're yelling at your crewmate instead of the jackasses who put us in this situation."
Nami huffed. "Shut up! You can't tell me you think that was a good idea!"
"Nami," repeated Harley with a probably annoying amount of patience. "Please direct your irritation toward the freak with the hair."
"She's not gonna listen," Zoro said in a low aside to Harley, who snickered.
"What was that?!" yelled Nami.
"Told you."
"Hey—swords guy," called the giant from the ground, where he was still blanketed in a massive amount of wax. "Is that all the fight you've got left in you?"
Zoro grinned at the giant. "Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to let someone else take over from here."
"Heh," said the giant. "All right."
A few seconds passed, during which time Harley couldn't manage to focus on anything other than the wax that seemed to be going up and tickling her nose—then she heard Zoro say, "If you wanna die in a cool pose, Nami, you'd better hurry up."
"I've got other things to worry about!" Nami barked.
"Mr. Bushido, could you please take this a little more seriously?" Vivi begged.
"Hey, your pose could use a little work, too."
"Shut up about the posing already!" shrieked Nami.
Harley would have added a comment of her own to the ensuing bickering, but she realized wax had started to clump her already mascara-laden eyelashes together. Shit, Harley thought, in part because her destroyed eye makeup had to look even worse now and in part because she couldn't stand the thought of anything touching her eye. She wasn't sure if she should go ahead and close her eyes or if she should wait—
Come to think of it—Harley hesitated, and with monumental effort she lifted one hand to tug a few wisps of hair out of her side-braid and arranged them to frame her face. With that done she then held one of them and tilted her head a little. That should be a decent pose.
Not that, of course, she wanted to die in solidifying wax. Harley found Luffy, Usopp, and Karoo on the grass below, facing off with the numbered agents. Considering it was starting to feel difficult to breathe through her nose, Harley prayed at least one of these people would come through for them. There was no fucking way she was meant to go out here, before she'd even managed to actually do anything with her time.
Harley tried to focus on watching Luffy's battle, because it was the easiest to see without moving her head. He certainly had some strange moves with that rubber body of his. It was as though he were made of elastic, snapping back into place after whirling somewhere else. Despite how promising his enormous range of attacks seemed, however, he destroyed half the wax cake and only managed to bring the spinning candles closer to the four below.
The wax flakes came down faster, and Harley realized she was starting to feel genuinely nervous. She wasn't even paying attention to whatever was happening on the grass anymore—she did notice, though, when all movement stopped entirely, and she couldn't even see Luffy or the numbered agents. It was at this point that her entire body seemed frozen in wax, slippery and unbreakable.
Harley drew in as much of a breath as she dared to clear her throat. "Vivi," she said, her tongue feeling thicker with every passing second, "Alabasta will not fall. We're not the only ones trying to prevent a war and I know someone, somewhere, will succeed." They'd fucking better!
"Stop—talking like—we're dying!" Vivi returned, her voice somewhat muffled.
"And it's been a pleasure serving you," Harley continued. Then, because why not, she said, "Nami, I've only known you for a few days, but you seem pretty cool. I'm sure you'd be the best navigator on the Grand Line."
"…thanks," said Nami, who sounded sincerely upset.
"And Zoro," concluded Harley, "you are fine as hell."
Nami and Vivi made, respectively, disgusted and surprised sounds, and Zoro answered instantly, his voice acidic. "Really? That's what you want to say to me? Those are your last words?"
"Look, I might as well go out flirting!"
"Unsuccessfully."
Despite herself Harley almost laughed and drew too much wax into her nose. "You know—what, fuck you."
"You're gonna have to buy me—a drink first," returned Zoro.
"Would the two of you—stop?!" Nami managed.
"Those are—some shitty last words—too, Nami," said Zoro.
"Well—what about—yours?!"
"They aren't—my last," said Zoro with such determination that Harley was sincerely moved. "I'll—be back. And I'm—still gonna—be the world's—greatest—swordsman."
Then it was too hard to continue speaking and Harley had to focus, ensuring her expression remained clear to prevent Mr. 3 from having another fearful statue to keep—and God, she more prayed than thought as wax crawled over her mouth and her nose, someone had to succeed in saving Alabasta—
And it was impossible to breathe.
