Chapter 2

Their friendship had started to change in their second year, which Makoto attributed to Shishido growing taller and his shoulders broadening. His former feminine features were becoming more masculine and his voice dropped. Makoto had become very aware that her friend was no longer the boy she would easily mistake for a girl unless she paid attention and looked closely.

Unbeknownst to her, Shishido also noticed that Makoto had changed. After not cutting it for over a year, her hair had grown significantly. As she too grew in height, she no longer had the pin straight figure she previously had.

It became difficult to navigate themselves around each other. Gender seemed meaningless in their friendship until puberty hit. But now, Shishido could no longer latch onto her from behind like he used to without awkwardly trying to avoid her chest area, or without being distracted by the scent of her shampoo.

Makoto no longer leaned against him from time to time. Things were different now. She was too conscious of his broad shoulders and wide back and the slight smell of sweat that lingered from morning practice.

And hence, an unspoken, self-imposed no touching ban formed between the two.

But other than the awkward hyperawareness of each other's physical form, the two remained extremely close (in every sense of the word except physically). He was the one she went to when she felt lonely and stressed from practice, while he would also look for her to vent about whatever he was frustrated about (mainly the overwhelmingly eccentricity of the other regulars).

Perhaps it was such closeness and emotional intimacy that made others question the nature of their relationship.

"Shishido-san, why don't you just date Makoto-senpai?" Ootori suddenly asked in the tennis locker room one day.

Shishido choked on his water bottle. "What are you saying? You know that Makoto and I are just friends," he said in embarrassment, trying to cough out all the water he'd just inhaled.

"Why not?" Oshitari asked, "the two of you have been inseparable since the first day of school."

"I don't date girls who have shorter hair than me," his usual deflection.

"That line's not going to work for much longer. Kinimoto-chan's hair is getting pretty long." Mukahi said.

"I give you my blessing," Atobe said as he nodded his head. "Yes, I think that Kinimoto-san would be wonderful for you. She places well in exams, comes from a famous music family and is a talented violinist."

"Then you date her," Shishido said as he rolled his eyes. Everyone raise their eyebrows, horrified at the thought of Atobe and Makoto dating. "Actually, I take that back."

"Senpai is getting jealous," Ootori whispered to his best friend. Hiyoshi silently nodded in agreement.

"I'm not jealous. I just shudder at the consequences of Atobe and Makoto."

The rest of the team nodded their heads in agreement. Atobe's arrogance and eccentrics would not bode well with Makoto's stubbornness and bluntness. While Atobe liked strong-willed girls, he could probably do without all the outrageous calls she would make about him and the rest of the team.

"Well, if you don't plan on dating her maybe you should keep your distance." Choutaro said. "Makoto-senpai is quite popular, but most guys are intimidated because you're always hovering around her."

"Since when has that helmet head been popular?" Shishido asked ignorantly.

The entire team sighed unanimously in defeat. Makoto was right, he was truly a tennis freak who only thought about tennis.

"My violin teacher took me to see one of her performances once. You should see the fanboys she's got. They shower her with gifts and flowers after every performance," Oshitari said.

"I know," Shishido said, "she makes me carry them. But that's just out of admiration… right?"

Oshitari smirked. "She's good for a 14-year-old. She's good even by high school standards. But there are better violinists out there. Besides, d you really think all those teenaged boys and creepy old men are admiring her violin?"

Shishido's expression was in disbelief. "Really? That helmet head with an unhinged mouth?"

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but Kinomoto-chan only looked like a little boyish at the beginning of freshman year. Her appearance has totally changed since her hair started growing out."

"What is Makoto-senpai's type anyway?" Ootori asked.

"I think she said that it's rugged guys who have short hair," Shishido recounted. There was a momentary pause to process what he had said. The entire team except Shishido broke out into hysterics. "What?"

"So in other words, guys who aren't feminine looking with long hair." Choutaro answered.

"That comment was a direct jab at you and you didn't even realise it at the time." Atobe said.

"Senpai is so oblivious." Hiyoshi shook his head in disappointment.

"But we know that Kinomoto-san is very much Shishido's type," Oshitari said.

"That's right. Shishido likes sassy, boyish girls," Mukahi said, "all his crushes in elementary school were tomboys."

"That was a long time ago," Shishido said in embarrassment. Thanks to Mukahi, the regulars never let him hear the end of it.


The earlier conversation with the rest of his team had Shishido thinking. Rugged guys who have short hair. Why did it bother him so much that it was the complete opposite of himself? After all, Makoto had been singing this tune since the first time they met, but why did hearing those words suddenly feel like an elephant's foot pressing down on his chest?

He stole a quick glance at her, who was complete unaware of Shishido's internal turmoil. Shishido felt frustrated to find that the regulars were right. Makoto's appearance had changed drastically the first day of school. In all honesty, she didn't really look bad with a bob. In suited her strong facial features and complemented the chic vibe she had from being tall for a girl. The 'helmet head' nickname simply came about because he needed something to counteract 'tennis freak' with, which over time simply became his nickname for her.

But now that he thought about it, Makoto was probably the prettiest girl in his class, maybe even in his year. But why did it take so long for him to realise? And why was his fist clenched at the thought of her being popular with guys?

""Hey, Makoto," Shishido suddenly said, "you know how you said before that you like rugged guys with short hair?

"Yeah?" She replied, slightly confused at why he was suddenly asking.

"Have you met anyone like that?" Shishido asked.

"Maybe," she shrugged, not realising the weight of her words on Shishido's conscience.

"Am I… getting in the way of you and other guys?" he asked warily. Shishido deeply regretted it the moment he finished his sentence. What would he do if she said yes? He'd try to give her space of course, Makoto deserved to find someone who thought she was as amazing as he did. But what would he do without her constantly roasting him, or texting him what food she wanted to try next time they hung out, or keeping him awake when they were studying for exams?

For the first time, Shishido realised how big of a role Makoto played in his life. And he wasn't too happy about how attached he was to her and how the thought of her dating someone just about ripped his heart out from his chest.

She laughed. "No, you're not cockblocking me from other guys Ryou, if that's what you're asking."

"So, you haven't found a guy you liked yet?" Shishido asked, feeling his shoulders relax and exhale a breath he didn't even realise he had been holding.

"I don't have time to date between school and music and you," Makoto said, playfully nudging her shoulder into his arm.

"Oh… good, good," he found himself saying. "Just out of curiosity, if you had to date someone, say, who was on the tennis team who would it be?" He asked, expectantly.

After a good few seconds of thought, "probably Choutaro-kun," she said. Shishido choked on air. Of all people it had to be his doubles partner. "He's got that short, messy hair thing going on. And he's tall, which always earns points. And we have common ground since he plays musical instruments too. He's also a good guy, really nice and friendly and everything."

"Eww, stop hitting on freshman." Shishido forcibly teased, but he couldn't help but feel his stomach turn with jealousy. He was none of those things. His hair was abnormally long for a boy (and for a girl), and was always neatly tied up in a ponytail. He wasn't tall either, being of average height. Other than watching Makoto perform, Shishido had no other involvement in music. And even he could admit that he wasn't exactly the friendliest guy on the street. That was 4-0, Choutaro's way.

"I wouldn't actually date him though. He meets all my criteria on a surface level, but I guess there's just a lack of a deeper connection," she said.

Actually, maybe the score was 4-1.


Somehow the two of them ended up lying on the grass of the park in front of her house again. He would always walk her home on the days his training and her rehearsals ended at the same time, with her house being mostly on the way home to his anyway. Occasionally, the two would end up so deep in conversation they'd end up hanging out at the park near her house, neither wanting to end the interaction.

His mum would always yell at him when this happened. After all, he was coming home much later than anticipated and often missed dinner with the family. Whilst her nagging was quite the annoyance, he never really felt like he'd made the wrong decision staying out just talking to Makoto.

There he laid, looking at the almost-full moon in the night sky, feeling both the soft grass below him and the hem of his shirt lifting slightly with the passing breeze.

"What are you thinking about right now?" he heard Makoto ask. He turned his head to find her eyes closed, arms laying beside her and bag on top of her skirt to prevent the wind from making her indecent.

"How much more money I'll need to save up to buy that CD I told you about," he lied. There's no way he'd tell her he was dreading the earful he was going to get for staying out late again. If Makoto found out she'd never let him linger around after walking her home again, and he couldn't let that happen. This feeling that made him want time to stop was worth any earful from his mother. "What are you thinking about right now?"

His question was met with silence.

Perhaps she didn't hear him. Or maybe she didn't want to answer him. Either way he didn't want to pry.

"Do you ever get scared you'll never live up to what people expect?" he heard her whisper. So long had passed that he wasn't sure if she was answering his question earlier or not, not that it mattered

"No," he answered truthfully after thinking about it for a moment. Be it male privilege or just his own mindset, Shishido had always believe that he could do anything if he tried hard enough. This had served him well so far. By pure determination, Shishido had become a tennis regular right from the get go of his freshman year, and lost matches so rarely that "'losing is super lame' became one of his catchphrases. He'd also attributed passing geometry purely to his determination given his complete ineptness of the subject.

Once again, Shishido turned his head to see her exactly as she was before, as if time had actually stopped. "Do you?" he asked in return. Without opening her eyes, he saw her nod her head ever so slightly. "What makes you scared?"

"Everyone around me - my family, music teachers, competition judges - tell me they expect great things from me in the future. They say that top music universities in the world will be a piece of cake, and that some day I'll be a world renowned soloist," she said, eyes unwavering from the moon shining above them.

"And?"

"And what if I can't be those things?" he heard a croak in her voice. "What if this is my peak and there's no up from here. What if my 'best' is just going to a normal music school and being just another violin in the orchestra? What if I'm tired of always trying to reach my fullest potential."

Shishido turned back to face the sky. The things she was saying weren't exactly a surprise to him. Being with her everyday meant that he'd learned to read how she was feeling with ease. With back to back music competitions recently, he'd noticed that Makoto had become more aloof. Whatever they were doing, be it in class, eating or talking, he could tell that the pressure of performing was constantly on her mind.

He recalled in their first year when he loosely likened being in the chamber orchestra program to being like a regular on the tennis team. He quickly realised that the two of them were not similar at all. Sure, being a Hyotei regular meant that people would cheer during his matches and his foe on the court would be slightly intimidated that they were playing against Shishido Ryou (and Ootori Choutaro) of Hyotei.

But that was incomparable to what Makoto experienced. He tried to attend her competitions and performances where he could, which made him realise she was on a different planet. When she walked through the concert hall before her performances, their peers and younger kids would approach her, telling her how amazing she was, often asking to shake her hand or get a photo with her. Audiences would halt to a deafening silence when Makoto walked onto stage, and when people applauded afterwards he would hear all sorts of praises and pities of whoever followed her act. She would receive so many gifts after performances that she'd make him help her carry them and it sometimes felt more tiresome than his actual tennis training.

Shishido also knew Makoto didn't do well under pressure. Perhaps to outsiders it seemed like competitions and performances didn't phase her, but he knew better. Her bubbly and expressive demeanour became dormant leading up to competition days, replaced with a more reserved and detached persona. In fact, she had unintentionally tricked the entire music community into thinking she was a 'cool, chic prodigy.' Although, maybe her usual audacity and disregard for any consequences of her shit-talking was better left unseen.

But there were so many signs of her anxiety that people missed. For example, she had a habit of rubbing her left thumb against the calluses of her left fingers on competition days, as if to comfort herself that all the hard work that had led to said callouses would surely pay off.

He looked down to see that she was rubbing her left thumb against her callouses at that very moment. She was so readable to him. If she were his opponent on the court, he could probably predict her next ten shots just from glancing at her.

"I, personally, think that you can be anything you want to be, and if that's being the best violinist in the world, then so be it." He lifted his own hand to softly place it on top of her left hand, stopping her nervous habit. "And I can't speak for anyone else, but if the day comes that you decide you never want to pick up your violin again, it won't change how I fee- see you."

Makoto closed her eyes as she tightened her hand around Shishido's slightly, "thank you."