Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 75 - Words: 74,437 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 79 - Updated: Dec 16 - Published: Jan 18, 2016 - id: 11739934
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"I do not tolerate students taking in my class." –QUEEN EMPATH, "High School Love"
"You don't, sir?" said a Hufflepuff in the back.
"No," said Snape firmly. "Your role as students is to be mystified and awestruck by my brilliance; if any of you should actually understand a single fact from one of my lectures, I will regard it as deliberate insolence. Now, everyone open your books to page 57 and don the most fish-like, uncomprehending stares you can, or it's detention for the lot of you."
"Can you beat that?" Harry whispered to Ron as they and their fellow students reached into their book bags. "Your brother was right; the teachers here really are mad."
Ron shrugged. "Oh, I don't know," he said. "I think they're just more honest than most."
"Ron and Hermione screamed of fright as Harry closed his eyes, muttering something under his breath." –sayribelle, "I Think It's Going to Rain Today"
"Fright!" Hermione shrieked. "Most pure and invigorating of emotions, without which we should all be prey for the sabre-toothed tigers!"
"Fright!" Ron bawled. "Proper response of the human soul toward future evils difficult and irresistible!"
"Fright!" the two of them hollered in unison. "Supremely necessary exercise of the adrenal gland, under the coordination of the amygdalae! How impoverished their lives whom sub-cortical brain damage prevents from experiencing the giddy thrill, the cleansing rush of…"
Harry shut his eyes and groaned. "Sheesh," he muttered. "If I'd known they were going to get this overwrought, I would have just let them keep having the hiccups."
"Well, let's go to a music store and get some shinny discs." –human bludger, "For the Love of Music"
"Can I help you gentlemen?" Matilda asked the red-headed twins leaning against the counter.
"Yes," said the one on the right, with an air of great seriousness. "We'd like to buy some shinny discs."
Matilda blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Shinny discs," the young man repeated. "That is, discs used to play shinny. Or, to put it another way, the sort of discs that a shinny player might utilise. Artifacts, as it were, pertaining to the game of shinny, the shape of which…"
"You mean pucks?"
"Ah!" said the young man, with a triumphant glance at his brother. "Isn't it wonderful, George, when beauty and intelligence go hand in hand? Yes, miss, we would like to buy pucks. It is pucks, fair damsel, that we desire to purchase. Show us your pucks, O vision of femininity, that we may expend money to secure the ownership thereof."
"I'm sorry, sir," Matilda said, trying desperately not to blush. "This is a music store; we don't sell shinny pucks."
The young man pursed his lips reproachfully. "Oh, come, my dear," he said. "Disingenuousness isn't becoming to one so lovely. If you don't sell shinny pucks –" here he reached for a nearby CD rack and grabbed a brace of items off it "– then what, may I ask, are these?"
"Those are…" Matilda began, and then stopped dead. By all reason, the young man should have been holding two of the Céline Dion CDs that had been on display there for the past three months – yet what he was actually holding, quite unmistakably, were two shinny pucks in CD wrapping, complete with the store tag ("SHINNY DISC – £24.43").
As if in a dream, she took the pucks from his hand, examined them, hefted them, sniffed experimentally at them, and then, with an internal sigh and surrender of all presumptions to sanity, ran her scanner over them and printed up the receipt. "£48.86," she said dully. "Will there be anything else?"
"Yes, actually," the twin called George spoke up. "We'll take one of those curling stones over by the boom boxes, too."
"And I told you that I will never deny a sexy man a complement." –LivinlikeAghost, "A Scratch in the Finish"
Ben looked up from his paperwork as Draco entered his office, followed closely by three lumbering trolls whose clubs smelled distinctly of perfume. "Ah, good morning, Draco!" he said, rising and extending a hand. "And to what do I owe this pleasure?"
"Ben, you've got to call off these goons of yours," Draco snapped. "They're terrorising the living daylights out of every girl at Hogwarts. I told you what happened to Parkinson last week, and it's only gotten worse since then; all the Weasley girl did was glance at me on Tuesday, and…"
But Ben was shaking his head firmly. "Sorry, Draco, no can do," he said. "I told you before, and I'll tell you again: the Bachelor Protection Society takes great pride in defending sexy men such as you from the wiles of mulierity, and I'd sooner get married myself (he shuddered dramatically) than deny one his full complement of guards. Isn't that right, Willard?" he said to the nearest of the trolls.
"Grrraaaaah!"
"Precisely." And Ben seated himself again. "Good day, gentlemen."
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