Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 75 - Words: 74,437 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 79 - Updated: Dec 16 - Published: Jan 18, 2016 - id: 11739934
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Author's note: In this special chapter, instead of looking at various kinds of semantic pile-ups found in the texts of stories on this site, we will be focusing specifically on the omission of crucial apostrophes in certain titles. Below you will find four articles ostensibly taken from the Daily Prophet; each of the headlines is a real story title, with the author of the story being credited as the reporter responsible for the article. I hope my readers find this slight change of pace refreshing; rest assured, however, that more traditional quartets of Minuets are on the way.
TOM RIDDLES DIARY
(CordialRush, Diagon Alley Bureau, 26 August 1992)
LONDON – A large, ginger tomcat answering to the name of Crookshanks pulled out a machine gun in front of Flourish and Blotts this morning and opened fire on 11-year-old Ginny Weasley's cauldron of books. No witches or wizards were injured.
"We don't even know where it was keeping the thing," said Miss Weasley's brother George. "It just made a little scrabbling movement, gave its fur a rustle, and suddenly the thing was in its front paws and blazing away. It was pretty wicked, actually – not that we weren't terrified for Ginny, of course, but, still, textbook-buying isn't usually that exciting."
Madam Diana Arkwright, proprietress of the Magical Menagerie and Crookshanks's owner, has agreed to reimburse the Weasleys for the damage to their daughter's cauldron. The books within were largely unharmed, except for a small, unused diary that appears to have wound up in Miss Weasley's cauldron by mistake, which was found, upon inspection, to have been riddled with basilisk-venom-dipped bullets and leaking a noxious black fluid. The Auror Office is making enquiries.
"Crookshanks is a very smart cat," Madam Arkwright noted.
THE REFINERS FIRE (Abraxan, Chief War Correspondent, 4 October 1997)
SWANSEA – Three Death Eaters were reported to Morriston Hospital today with gunshot wounds after an attempted Muggle-baiting at the Llandarcy Oil Refinery. The refiners had evidently procured personal side-arms in response to rumours of violent criminal activity in the neighbourhood; upon seeing three masked men materialise on the main floor of their workplace, they instinctively drew these and fired upon their would-be assailants.
"It wasn't supposed to work this way," Holofernes Frimley, leader of the Death-Eater band, was heard to whimper as paramedics arrived. "They're just Muggles, curse it! We get to injure them, not the other way around!"
Aurors arrived on the scene within half an hour to salvage the attackers' shattered wands and wipe memories. Muggles associated with the Snowdrop gun-control campaign also arrived at about the same time, seeking the Death Eaters' approval to use them in their literature as helpless victims of firearm violence; Mr Frimley's response, by request of the editorial board, will not be printed verbatim here, but it was not in the affirmative.
KINGS CROSS STATION*
(acountkillerrr, Foreign Affairs Desk, 19 May 2005)
PARIS – In a development that experts agree could only have been brought about by unauthorised magic, Kings Harald V of Norway and Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden, arriving at Platform 1 of the Gare du Nord for a conference of European heads of state, successfully made it all the way to the other end of the station without being trampled by rush-hour traffic.
"If you've ever tried to cross Paris-Nord during the luncheon hour, you know how absurd this is," said Pierre Taon of the International Confederation of Wizards. "Clearly, Their Majesties' path was being surreptitiously cleared for them with non-verbal Swerving and Repelling Charms. This is a blatant violation of the International Statute of Secrecy, and I hope the French Ministry of Magic will take proper action to deal with it."
The two kings themselves, being Scandinavians, appear not to have noticed anything untoward in the ease with which they navigated the station. King Carl, however, did note that the baguette he picked up at a station kiosk was a shade drier than he had been hoping.
HARRY POTTER AND FATES GAMBLE
(zane .rodrigues .14†, Gossip and Lifestyle Department, 3 July 2011)
MONTE CARLO – Continuing his efforts to distance himself from his former image as hero of the wizarding world, Harry Potter was sighted at the Casino today drinking heavily and playing chemin-de-fer with the three Fates, who had arisen from their cavern beneath Parnassus to congratulate Prince Albert on his recent marriage.
"This is a new one on us," Clotho declared on behalf of herself and her sisters. "When we've come to Earth before, we've gotten a lot of different reactions from our linchpin mortals, from rueful acceptance to outright violent hostility. But never before have we met anyone so deranged as to try and defeat the Weavers of Destiny in a game of chance."
At the time of going to press, Mr Potter was 2,849 Galleons, 2 Sickles, and 15 Knuts in the red, and was wearing an expression of supinely defiant pleasure. His wife was unavailable for comment.
*Crossover with Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
†See first footnote of chapter 30.
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