Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 75 - Words: 74,437 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 79 - Updated: Dec 16 - Published: Jan 18, 2016 - id: 11739934
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"Dumbledore gave a singular nod." –Animalium, "Growing Problems"
"Why do you insist on doing that?" Snape grumbled.
"Doing what?" said Dumbledore.
"Nodding that way," said Snape. "Why can't you just raise and lower your head like other people? Why do you also have to wiggle your ears and whistle 'A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love' backwards? Does everything you do have to be odd and singular?"
Dumbledore smiled puckishly. "Well," he said, "a man does have his reputation to maintain."
"You are the new spy for Hogwarts and you will be teaching Defense against the Dart Arts." –Mistress of Magic22, "Dolores' First Day"
"I see," said Umbridge. "Well, that should give me plenty of leisure for spying. Not many students take that class, do they?"
"Not these days, no," said Fudge. "Of course, it was thronged back in the colonial period, when those going abroad ran a serious risk of running afoul of a native wizard with an enchanted blowgun. But the Dart Arts have been languishing worldwide for decades, so the class is essentially a relic now; I doubt you'll have a single student to distract you from the serious business of…"
His secretary coughed discreetly. "Um… excuse me, sir," she said, "but you know, don't you, that Dumbledore expanded the scope of that class a few years back? It's still just called Defense against the Dart Arts, but now it also covers bullets and rifle shells, so anyone who expects to visit Belfast in his lifetime makes a point of signing up for it in third year. It's widely considered the most relevant and responsible of all the optional Hogwarts courses; its outgoing professor, in an interview with the Daily Prophet last month, said that the seven years of his tenure had been the most challenging and work-intensive of his life."
Fudge blinked, and fixed his gaze on his desk to avoid Umbridge's incensed glare. "Well, there you are, you see," he murmured. "This is exactly why I need a spy at Hogwarts. Nobody tells me anything…"
"He regarded her cooly, before returning to his own work." –blanketyblank, "On the Division of Chaos"
"What was that look for?" Lily demanded.
Snape glanced up again. "Pardon?"
"Don't play innocent with me, Severus," said Lily. "When I introduced you to Savitri just now, and explained that the Headmaster had assigned me a cooly labourer to do my chores so I could focus on my Head-Girl duties, you gave her one of those deadpan stares you generally reserve for James Potter and bits of Stinksap on your shoe. What do you have against impoverished Orientals trying to better their lot by coming West, anyway?"
"Oh, nothing," said Snape. "I was just a bit surprised, that's all; I thought that using members of despised ethnic minorities as degraded menials was my own House's prerogative." He shrugged sardonically. "But what do I know? The world is changing so fast these days…"
"Ignoring him, Ginny waved her wand, and a bowl of chocolate sauce and some whip cream zoomed from the icebox towards them." –Bellefish2000, "Voodoo Valentine"
"Now, James," she said, slathering the cream over her heavy leather whip, "as soon as I've got this nice and flexible again, I want you to take it and this bowl to Kreacher, and explain to him that he is to make ten gallons of chocolate sauce every bit as rich and delicious as this of your grandmother's; if even a drop of it appears unsatisfactory, you are to flog him mercilessly into a bloody, quivering gobbet of elfin flesh. Can you do that, sweetheart?"
"Sure, Mum!" said James brightly.
Harry sighed. "You know," he said, "if I'd known as a teenager that this is what the wizarding world was going to turn into, I'm not sure I would have fought so hard to save it from Lord Voldemort's tyranny."
"I'm still ignoring you, Harry," said Ginny, and put the jar of cream aside and gave the whip an experimental crack. "Yes, that should do. All right, darling, here you are."
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