I closed my journal, put it back in my bag. I calmed down and walked back to class. I made sure my tears were gone before walking back in. The less attention on me the better. I didn't want to go back to class but I didn't have much of a choice. If I skipped every class my family would catch on. When I sat back down in my seat, I looked over at Kendall's table and he winked at me. I laid my head on the table and sighed.
My life is never going to be the same ever again.
"Are you okay?" Lucas asked me for the second time of the day. No.
"Yes." I said through my arms laying down on the table.
"Sab?" Lucas looked at Sabrina who was ignoring him. "I kissed Rowan, she didn't want to kiss me." He must have thought that this would make me feel better.
"Does that really make a difference?" Sabrina sighed. "It was a kiss. If she didn't want it then she should've pulled away." I didn't care what was going on.
"Sabrina, she was surprised but that kiss was all me." Sabrina was too upset to care. "After you left she wouldn't speak to me." Lucas tried to get Sabrina not to be upset.
"Really?" Sabrina said. "I saw you talking to her this morning." She didn't know what to believe, she looked at me lying there.
"She blew me off, she didn't text me back all weekend. She doesn't want to talk to me!" Lucas said sadly.
"Okay fine!" Sabrina gave up with the fight. "I believe you." She looked over at me again.
"So you girls can go back to being best friends right?" Lucas hoped.
"Yes!" Sabrina admitted loudly to shut Lucas up but a part of her wanted our friendship. She looked at me laying there.
I didn't move for the rest of the class, I didn't want to get involved in any conversation. It was easier with Sabrina being mad at me. I wouldn't have to socialize with her and she wouldn't suspect anything was off. The last thing I want is for her to know because if she knows she will not keep it to herself.
All I knew was I wanted to keep this a secret. I couldn't imagine my parents knowing. I wanted to pretend like I was never raped. I want to be a virgin, innocent, little girl like I was before I met Kendall. I know I will never be that ever again but I desperately wanted it to be. I wanted to be the kind of girl that can pretend things never happened or pretend to be okay inside.
"Row? What is going on with you?" Sabrina asked but I didn't even acknowledge her question. Luckily the bell rang and I got up fast to be the first one out.
It was lunch and I was starving. I couldn't get much down this weekend. I got in line and looked around making sure that I didn't have any unwanted visitors. I was going to just grab a sandwich and eat it in class. Then go to the library where kids go that don't have any friends to sit with. It was a good place to hide out. I was almost in the clear until Sabrina approached me.
"Hey." She whispered standing behind me.
"Hi." I responded without turning around. I couldn't have this conversation.
"Are you mad at me?" She was worried. I wasn't mad I wanted to be left alone.
"No." I answered and moved up in line grabbing my ham and cheese sandwich.
After school ended I went straight for the bus without telling my Dad like I usually do. I didn't want questions about my day. I sat in the back and hugged my knees as it got loud and crowded. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what was happening. I kept taking deep breaths and hoped it would go away. The noises reminded me of the party. Is this my life now? Comparing everything to the past? I don't want it to be. I was shaking and I didn't know what to do. I started crying and I didn't even realize.
"Are you okay?" I heard before looking. Sabrina had sat down next to me. She was obviously concerned. I nodded my head but she didn't care.
"Talk to me Rowan." Sabrina rubbed my back trying to calm me down. I got even more upset and she pulled me into her arms as I cried.
I didn't tell her anything, I just cried until the bus stopped at my house and I got off like nothing happened. I walked into my house and my brother was sitting on my bed.
"Are you okay?" He asked me. I think Sabrina must have texted him.
"I'm fine" I lied, getting tired of everyone saying the same thing over and over again.
"You just seem off." Jamie came over and hugged me. "Whatever it is, you can talk to me." I knew he was just trying to be a good brother.
"I had a fight with my friends, that's all." I pulled away and opened my door.
"It's going to be okay." Jamie left the room and I laid on my bed.
I didn't want to be here anymore. I was having post traumatic stress disorder according to google. It's the last thing I wanted. Nothing I wanted was coming true anymore. I feel like giving up. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to erase it all.
"Honey?" My Mom walked in. "There's a friend at the door for you." She let him in and walked out before I could say anything.
"Hey Rowan. Can we talk?" I gulped. I couldn't move. He was in my bedroom.
"W-what do you want Kendall." Saying his name made me shiver.
"I know you think I raped you but I didn't." I had goosebumps. What was he talking about?
"What?" I was scared. I knew what happened. I have chills all over my body.
"We fooled around but we were both drunk and into it. You said stop before anything else happened." Confusion filled my brain. "Whatever you remember must have been a dream." He looked at me. I did have that dream and what if what he was saying was true?
"I was naked." I was so confused. I wasn't raped? I was bruised and sore. I let him continue because the picture he was painting to me as the truth was sounding pretty damn good.
"We got pretty intimate but it never got any further to call it sex." Kendall explained that he had only touched me and that I was still a virgin.
"So why am I having flashbacks of it?" I had tears in my eyes. I wanted to believe him so badly, it was the due over that I wanted.
"It was probably a dream. I get strange dreams when I've had too much to drink." Kendall said, looking sincere. "You probably remember some stuff that happened and made the rest up from a dream." Kendall kept pushing the dream theory.
"I only had one drink." I mentioned looking for his answer.
"You probably have a low tolerance. Some are stronger than others and you had a really strong drink. I'm sorry I didn't realize it was so strong." Kendall apologized.
"Oh." I didn't know what to think. Everything he was saying made sense but I feel weird. Some little things didn't make complete sense like how I feel so different and the way my body is so bruised. I just want to believe him so badly. I don't want to be his victim.
"Rowan, I would never do that to you." He pleaded. "I can't believe you would think of me like that." Kendall seemed hurt.
"I didn't know what to think of Kendall." I sighed. "There are bruises all over me."
"You don't remember jumping on Bridget's bed? You fell off like 3 times." He laughed.
"Oh." I felt less scared knowing about this. Was I really just jumping to conclusions? I don't feel like the old me, but maybe that was me drinking and making out with Kendall. The old me would have never done any of that either. Maybe I wasn't raped.
"After all, I shared such intimate details of my life with you. I trusted you with all that. So why would I do something like that?." Kendall sat next to me. I felt bad.
"You're right and I'm so sorry." I apologized realizing how stupid I was being.
"So you believe me?" He looked at me. I did.
"Yes, I didn't even think it was rape until I started googling." We laughed.
"I'm glad because I really like you, Rowan." He brushed his hand on my face and leaned in to kiss my lips. I pulled away a second later and we smiled.
"I like you too." Now that he didn't rape me and I was still a virgin. Does this mean that things can just go back to normal? I don't know if I'm that girl anymore. My friends won't just let me come back without an explanation. Everything Kendall said fit, it really did. There was one thing that didn't fit. If I was still a virgin then why do I feel anything but pure?
Kendall left shortly after the kiss and I just sat there thinking most of the night.
Was I happy? No. Was I sad? Not anymore. Was I confused? Yes.
First I thought we had sex, than I thought it was rape and now I'm still a virgin.
Why can't I just remember the night more clearly and not in flashbacks. If he had raped me I'm sure I'd remember more and not have had to google signs. Maybe I should just try and forgive that night. I still feel strange but maybe it was just because I thought I was raped. All I know is when Kendall kissed me the first time it felt good and so did this.
Author's Note:
Before you question it yes, Kendall did rape Rowan. He's just lying to her. Kendall is not suppose to be likable. We know he the kind of person he is but we're exploring how manipulative people can be in this story and things girls that are abused everyday go through. The denial and the acceptance process. I know some people might not like this but I'm showing you a side of people I know and myself. Kendall and Rowan will be anything but the love of this story so don't get scared at my direction. She will find herself soon enough! :)
Next chapter is the start of Josh's storyline!
