A Puzzle From The Past

/Warning/: This chapter contains: cursing, fluff, sadness and angst, major character death, major character illness, a little bit of violence, softness, and Loki finally standing up for himself! All reviews are appreciated.

P.S: This is a canon-divergent story that takes place in the MCU timeline, there are subtle changes, such as the events of Thor (The first movie) Taking place in the twenties; also there is no Bucky Barnes in this story, his character is just one big secret identity that boarded major identity issues; meaning, Loki is Bucky Barnes in this fic. I hope you enjoy ^-^v

"Character talking"

"Character thinking"

Flashbacks…


Chapter 3


Loki never knew what true anguish was…

Until he nearly lost everything…

.

.

The years continued to pass in a blur of motion, with the same routine and monotone that nearly drove Loki mad, making him stand on the edge of an abyss and wonder if any day now he would fall into the darkness. The years continued to pass as he lived as James 'Bucky' Barnes, making a name for himself as the rich playboy and the heir to the Barnes family; gaining nothing but happy and proud looks from the Barnes family because from their point of view, it seemed that he had finally seen their way, which gained him nothing but heartbroken glances from the person he loved. The years continued to pass, and Loki finally entered adulthood or what was considered as adulthood; gone was the sixteen years old boy, and instead, a twenty years old man stood in his place. The years continued to pass, and Loki felt detached from the passing of time, even when he tried to include himself in it. The years continued to pass… and Loki felt he put a rift between himself and Steve that they would never manage to overcome because he was too afraid to cross the lines he made.

Despite all of that the two of them were still close; they still go on adventures when they had time, or when Steve anger the bullies population because he couldn't stay silent in the face of unjust. Loki still tried to force those wretched double dates on his friend, gaining nothing but understanding and sad gazes from Mrs. Rogers and annoyed and angry looks from Steve, which did nothing to hide the pain behind his friend's eyes. Loki still came to visit the Rogers's household every time he had free time, bringing Rebecca with him (Who was seven years old and even at that age, it amazed Loki how the little girl didn't let her parents' poisonous words guide her to ruin, and maybe that was all thanks to Mrs. Rogers who all but adopted him and the small girl as her own) just because the little girl had the biggest crush on Steve, and it was funny and endearing in a way to see the seven years old girl give Steve lovely flowers every time she came with him and ask him to take her dancing; it was always the gentle and amused smile on Steve's face that made Loki continue to bring his sister with him. Loki still brought food to the Rogers's apartment, playing it off as him wanting to cook something he actually liked, even when his ruse had been discovered years and years ago; even when everything was getting better and better and there was some talk about the Great Depression being over in a few years' time, as everything seemed to have picked up and was returning to as close to normal as it can.

Time passed, changing everything with it, even when Loki desperately tried to continue acting like nothing between him and Steve changed; almost fooling himself, if it wasn't for the way that Steve seemed to look at him with resigned eyes as Loki tried to act like nothing was wrong. Like Loki hadn't stayed up all night gazing at the ceiling with a blank look, wondering how he had fallen so low, wondering why he was forced to act like everything was alright when the only thing he wanted was to live normally with Steve, without being forced to look over his shoulder in fear. In all of that, Loki still tried to act like everything was fine like he wasn't close to screaming until his throat bled because he felt the pressure around him increasing until it nearly crushed him; he tried to act fine, even when his heart was breaking.

But still, no matter what Loki did, no matter how he acted, he couldn't help but feel the distance he put between him and his friend seemed to get bigger and bigger with each passing day; the distance that made Steve give him sad smiles as he once again declined to join him for another double date. Not because he knew that by the end of the night, his date would ditch him in favor of latching on to Loki who then would force himself to entertain the girls as Steve walked away, but because they both couldn't handle the pain they inflicted at each other by such acts. Loki couldn't help but feel like everything was spiraling out of control, even when he tried to plant his feet into the ground and not spiral into dark places. It seemed to get worse and worse as the days passed, especially when Steve started hanging out with his new friend 'Arnie', leaving Loki to stand frozen in his place as he didn't know what to do anymore; it wasn't because he wasn't happy that Steve was making new friends other than Loki, or that Steve had a life outside of Loki, but it was because, in a way, Loki felt like Steve was giving up on him like Steve knew Loki wasn't worth it anymore and was going to leave him. He felt like Steve was slowly pulling from him, leaving Loki alone and stranded as he moved on to make his own path, and Loki… Loki was helpless to stop him because he was terrified of what happened if he confessed why he changed all those years ago…

The years passed, and Loki was content to let them blur in a line that kept repeating itself until it suffocated him under the pressure; knowing that one day, if Loki couldn't force himself to marry a woman the Barnes family chose for him and leave Steve to continue his life peacefully without any of the Loki related mess to deal with, then he would end up killing himself.

It was 1936, and Loki was twenty years old, forcing himself to sit still as he kept listening to Mrs. Barnes go on and on about the beautiful girl that would one day be his wife; a daughter of a friend, whose father was in a very high place, coming from old money, and was on the way of becoming a billionaire. It was 1936, and Steve, even if Loki was distancing himself from him, would always give him hopeful smiles as he asked Loki when he saw him if he can have some 'Steve&Loki' day… day after day, after day, only for Loki to try and hold his heart from shattering as that smile slipped, every time he had to whisper the word 'No'.

It was 1936 and Loki felt like the world had come to halt, only to shatter under his feet…

Loki didn't even know how it happened… or maybe it was because he haven't been paying much attention as he should have been… but in the end, no matter how much he tried to justify it, he was still the one to blame for it. It happened so fast; one minute Loki was in the Rogers household once more, trying to convince Steve to go with him on another double date (Because Loki kept hearing people whispering and pointing at Steve, causing his fear to spike to unimaginable levels), promising him that his date was in fact excited to meet Steve, not 'Bucky Barnes'; the next thing that Loki knew was Mrs. Rogers hunching over the sink, coughing and choking, until there was blood in her palms (So much blood, that Loki felt faint), breathing harshly like her lungs were closing on her and there was no air allowed in them.

Loki remembered how his whole body felt paralyzed, as he tried to move his body and rush to Mrs. Rogers's aid; Loki remembered how Steve's shout of 'Ma!' was what woke him up from his terrified state as he rushed to the woman he considered his mother more than his own or even Mrs. Barnes. His body was shaking as he and Steve carried Mrs. Rogers to the hospital, even when the woman protested and told them she was fine; his hands were shaking as he saw the doctors surrounding Mrs. Rogers and taking her away, leaving Loki and Steve standing alone in the waiting room, hearts pounding as they waited for the doctors to tell them what was going on… Steve was surprisingly the calm one between them as he directed Loki to sit on the chair, looking more tired than Loki ever saw him… if Loki paid enough attention, he could see how thin Steve was (Thinner than he normally was) and how he looked like a wreck with his messy hair, his red-rimmed eyes, and the dark circles under them; Loki couldn't help but wonder how he didn't notice any of this before… how can Loki be so blinded to not see what was going on with his precious people?

When the doctors finally came with the news, Loki felt himself shattering into millions of pieces…


Mrs. Rogers was sick… Sarah Rogers was sick with Tuberculosis… his mother was sick with a disease that had no cure… that was the only thing that rang in Loki's mind, for days and days after that fateful trip to the hospital. In a realm that was so backward in science (That it would take years and years to produce a cure) and had no connection to magic; a disease such as Tuberculosis holds nothing but a devastating end to the person that got infected and their family. In a realm where fear changes people and made them terrified of the ones that differ from them, even if they held the power to make the impossible possible; there was no hope of making a cure for the disease that could have been easily cured on Asgard with one herbal potion. In a realm that was far from being advanced in the art of healing in this era; Loki can only sit in the corner as he twiddled his thumbs, not knowing what to do to save the woman who treated him as a son even when he was nothing but trouble.

Days… Loki had spent trying to talk to the doctors about a cure, hoping that there was a cure by miracle; a drug trial that can heal the woman who gave her unconditioned love to Loki, even when he didn't deserve it. Days… Loki spent wandering aimlessly, his breath trapped in his throat as he tried to remember all the potions and treatments they used in Asgard, hoping that one would work and Mrs. Rogers would survive by a miracle; only in the end, for his hope to shatter when he realized that all if not most of the potions needed to be infused with magic (Magic that Loki didn't have… magic that was closed off and would never be available to Loki again… magic that was cut away from him by the ones that called themselves his family) and the other half needed rare ingredients that grow on realms far away from Midgard… days of anguish and hurt… feeling like his heart was ripped off his chest and was stumped on, when every path he hoped to take, gave him the painful fact that there was no cure to the disease that Mrs. Rogers was suffering from… Days… that was how long it took him before he broke the oath he took on himself; days, before he swallowed his pride and looked at the sky as he once more returned to begging Odin… Frigga… Thor… Heimdall… to open the Bifrost… days…

But as expected… no one answered…

No one answered… no one answered… no one… no one, no one, no one; no one! They never answered! They never answered when he begged… when he cried… when he promised to be good… when he promised to change… they never answered no matter how much he begged them to heal Mrs. Rogers… to heal his mother… they left him hanging there as day after day the realization sank into Loki that he would never be able to save Mrs. Rogers if he didn't have any atom of magic, or if he didn't get his hands on the herbs that were not native to this realm.

"Buckyshe is a nurse in a TB ward. She got hit, and couldn't shake it… it is not your fault…" Steve would whisper, his hand a comforting weight on Loki's shoulder. How amusing in a way… it was as if a switch was flipped, and instead of Steve, it was Loki who was about to lose his composure, tears never leaving his eyes, as he pulled at his hair, every night, trying to wrack his useless brain to find a cure with the herbs that were available on this realm. Like a switch was flipped, it was Steve who sat beside him every night, trying to comfort him and offer him the strength to face the day; acting as Loki's rock and anchor, even when he was no doubt hurting and in pain, because the woman lying on her death bed was his biological mother. It was Steve who kept his calm as he handled everything, getting the apartment ready for his mother to come back and spend her recovery time there (If she recovered) it was Steve, who bought the food and made everything ready, and it was Steve who tried to stop Loki from spiraling and at the same time took care of his mother; it was Loki who was a mess as he begged, then prayed, then screamed and accused and cursed everyone on Asgard for the suffering they continued to force him to through… it was Loki who sower his loyalty as a slave and a servant to Asgard if they just saved his mother… only to be mocked when no answer was granted.

Day after day, after day… Loki would go to the hospital to harass the doctors and nurses; asking them if there was a new trial treatment that offered them hope, if there was a surgery that could save Mrs. Rogers's life, if there was any way that he can help… the doctors always answered him by the same word; a word that made his anger increase, a word that trapped the scream in his throat until he felt like he was about to throw up, a word that shattered him every time it was said… 'No'… it was always that one word… always that word… no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no; NO!

A month passed… followed by another… and another… and another… and Mrs. Rogers only seemed to get worse and worse as the days passed; no amount of money seemed to help (Money he took from under the Barnes family's noses, not that they cared about the amount he took; for them, an amount of thousand dollars was like pocket change, so Loki was sure they wouldn't care) no fresh vegetable and meat helped Mrs. Rogers gain her strength, and no potions and remedy that Loki made by the herbs available in this realm helped. Day after day… Loki was forced to watch the strong woman… the Valkyrie with the heart of gold… lose the will to live and become nothing but a husk of what she used to be.

Day after day… Loki was forced to watch Steve running himself ragged; taking care of his mother, and dropping from art school just to be there for her and Loki, who didn't seem to be able to get his shit together. Day after day… Loki stood still as Mrs. Rogers scold him for wasting his money away when he should be saving it; forcing himself not to break down and cry like a small child that was abandoned once more, when facing the harsh fact that Mrs. Rogers won't be with them any longer to scold him and then flicker his forehead for not listening… only to make him his favorite honey cake later and kiss his forehead. Day after day…

Loki prayed and begged with tears in his eyes, for Odin to have mercy in his heart to open the Bifrost…

"Stevie… sweetheart…" Mrs. Rogers called out in a hoarse voice, summoning the attention of both Loki and Steve who all but rushed toward the fragile woman who looked too small, in the too-big bed. By that time, Loki had all but moved into the Rogers's household, even against the protest of Steve and Sarah who were more worried about his health than theirs, an argument that Loki shook off, by reminding Steve that he was an Asgardian and that even while in the form of a mortal, humans illness have no effect on him.

"Yes, Ma?" Steve asked, in a gentle, voice, his hand going directly to swipe a few golden strands behind Mrs. Rogers's ear, making the woman give a tired smile. "Do you need something?" Steve asked softly, continuing to run his hand through Mrs. Rogers's hair, causing the woman to give a content hum.

"Can you be a dear and bring me my favorite tea from the store, sweetheart?" Mrs. Rogers asked, her words slow and faint as she made her request known; at that time, Loki wanted to offer to bring her the tea, he was ready to run down the stairs and through the street to bring the tea that Mrs. Rogers asked for… it was only the soft 'Oh…' that left Steve's lips that made his feet freeze in their wake.

"Of… of course… Ma…" Steve whispered, the voice seeming to crack as he gave Mrs. Rogers a gentle smile, leaning down to kiss his mother's forehead even against her protest before whispering 'I love you, Mama' only then did Steve pull away, giving his mother a teary smile, that was mirrored by Mrs. Rogers who said those words back to Steve.

At that time, Loki didn't understand… at that time, Loki tried to deny the obvious, his mind refusing to make the connection even when the dotes and lines were glaring red in front of him; at that time, Loki gazed at Mrs. Rogers and once more, whispered and plead with Heimdall to open the Bifrost for one last time, even if it meant he would take Steve and Mrs. Rogers with him and leave Loki on this realm to die alone with no one at his side.

It was only when Steve left the apartment that Loki's legs moved so he can take the seat beside Mrs. Rogers's bed, and that was only after the older woman waved to Loki to come and sit beside her. "I am happy…" Mrs. Rogers said, causing Loki to raise his head, gazing at the woman who looked at him with gentle eyes. "I have no regrets… I lived long enough to see my son as a grown man ready to take on the world… lived long enough to see him make amazing friends… and see him fall in love with his Anam Cara…" That was enough to make tears run down Loki's cheeks, lips wobbling as Mrs. Rogers put her hand on top of his. "I have no regrets… meeting you… gaining another son… watching you grow up alongside Steve… protecting him even when there is no need for it…" A sob left Loki's throat that he couldn't control, tears running down his cheeks and his vision was blurry; in all of that, Loki could feel Mrs. Rogers's gentle hands wiping the tears away from his face.

"It… it shouldn't end up like this… it… it's not fair… not fair…" Loki's voice cracked, sobs wrecking his frame as he clutched Mrs. Rogers's hands tightly, face burrowing in them as he tried to control his sobs. "I… I can't lose you, Ma…" Loki shook, crying and crying as he finally gave up on standing against the pressure that had been suffocating him for years… ever since that fateful day he witnessed the boy with blue eyes get beaten to death.

"That's just the way of the world… Loki…" Hearing his name… his real name… made Loki raise his head, gazing at Mrs. Rogers… gazing at his Ma with tears running down his face; he wanted to open his mouth, to ask her how she knew, but he could only gaze at the woman, whose eyes held so much love as she took him in. "It never ends, it never stops… it continued until Ragnarok, only to start again…" A that Loki shook his head, a wounded sound tearing from his throat at the words his Ma said, tears rolling down faster as he clutched the small hands in his.

"But… but I c-could stop i-it… i-if only…" Loki's voice cracked and he couldn't even continue; pain and helplessness coursing through him at the knowledge that all of this could stop if Odin just allowed Heimdall to open the Bifrost. Loki sower, he sower to the fates, to Yggdrasil, to Odin… to anyone who stands in higher powers… if they saved his Ma from death… if they allowed her to live the rest of her life in peace and healed her; Loki sower he would be their faithful slave until the end of time… they just needed to save his Ma.

"You could, but I won't allow it... not when you would give everything to do so." That summoned nothing but a whine from Loki as he let tried to beg his Ma to change her mind. "Loki… I lived a long and happy life… I have no regrets… I saw my boys grow up and be happy, even if they decided to be stupid… I saw them both fall in love in a world where true love is rare and finding your Anam Cara is even rarer… I stayed silent as you both chose your paths hoping that one day you would discard the fear and embrace the bright future ahead of you…" Mrs. Rogers caressed his cheeks, his words causing Loki to sniffle, part of him wanted to deny those words, wanting to tell his Ma that she would live many more years to be happy, that she didn't have to tell him all of this now… not when he can save her… if only Odin… "I love you, my boy… I am proud of you… proud of the path you chose in this life… but my only regret would be me not being able to do a thing about the suffering and pain you went through… so, please… Don't torture yourself anymore… don't be miserable because you think this is the only way to protect those you care about… because I see happiness waiting for you at the end; you just need to have the courage to take that step…" Mrs. Rogers whispered, her words piercing Loki's heart, shattering it into tiny pieces that he knew would never be glued again, leaving a hole where his heart used to be.

"I… I ca-can't… I do-don't have… w-what it t-takes…" Loki sobbed, too tired to pretend anymore… too tired to wear a new mask as he acted like everything was going to be fine… too tired to act like he knew what he was doing by the theatric act he decided to pull by making Bucky Barnes, the rich playboy who ran after any woman who gave him a chance… too tired to deny his feeling to his Ma when she seemed to have known for ages and still accepted him as he was.

"That's OK, darling… it is OK… we all have that point in our lives where things get so dark we feel like there is no way out… the only things that matter are you standing up in the end… that you never back down from a fight… no matter what it takes… promise me that you will try, darling…" It took Loki time, but in the end, he nodded his head, sobs leaving his heaving chest at the promise he gave to his Ma and the implication and the consequences of such an oath to take. "That's my boy…" But when his Ma said those words, Loki vowed to himself to never let his Ma down… no matter what it takes.

It didn't take long after that… half an hour at most before his Ma departed from this world to Valhalla… it didn't take long for the tears to return back full force, and for his wails to be heard by everyone as he cried for his Ma to return to him… it didn't take long for Steve to return back, his eyes puffy and red, and his hands empty of the tea he went to buy… it didn't take long for Steve to sit beside him on the floor, pulling Loki who was nothing but a wailing mess into his arms.

"I… I c-could-n't… couldn't… s-save h-er!" Loki sobbed into Steve's chest, and once more, it was Steve who was the calm one between the two of them, shushing him gently as he rocked him back and forth like he was nothing but a small child. "T-they… t-hey w-wouldn't op… o-pen t-the B-Bifrost…" Loki shuddered, sob after sob wrecking him, his words gaining nothing but sniffles and suppressed sobs from Steve.

"She is… she is in a better place now… she is with her Anam Cara… so please… please don't blame yourself… it was never your fault," Steve told him, kissing the top of his head as he held him tightly while the two of them cried; the fresh pain of lost rending them useless to do anything but hold each other as the world around them grumbled to the ground…

Loki never felt so lost in his life…


The weeks passed… the pain was still fresh… like a wound that was being picked on constantly without being allowed the chance to heal… the weeks passed and Loki felt the world darkened in his eyes, his Ma's passing was a harsh weight that almost crushed him under… the weeks passed and Loki felt tired by the masks he dons and the play he continued to participate in, wanting a way out but not having the courage to do something… the weeks passed… and Loki still remembered the coffin they lowered into the ground, as he stood beside Steve at the funeral; tears rolling down his face, as Steve stood beside him, offering him all the support that Loki needed, while he stayed calm in the face of the sea… how funny… it was supposed to be the other way around but it was Loki who ended up being broken by the loss…

The weeks passed, and Loki didn't have the courage to show his face to Steve…

He didn't have the courage to go and see his friend, not when he was the one who caused their Ma's death; even if Steve said it wasn't his fault, Loki never managed to believe him… because by the end of the day, it was Loki who could have saved her… by the end of the day, it was Loki who used to have the magic to heal and destroy… by the end of the day, it was Loki who was the fool who angered Odin enough to gain his ire, getting banished from the realm that could have saved his Ma if Loki still had his magic and his ability to travel between the realms.

The days passed, and Loki tried to hold himself together, trying to stop himself from snapping and doing the unspeakable; it felt like a dark cloud had made itself known over his head and refused to disappear no matter how much time passed. Loki felt like he had no one, even when Steve was no doubt waiting for him back at Ma's old apartment; hoping that Loki had finally gathered the courage to come and talk to him just like they used to before Loki started to give up because of the harsh pressure of society.

In the end… the choice was taking off Loki's hands… in the end… it ended up with Loki running through the storm that swaps over New York like Hela was coming to drag him to Hel to suffer for eternity… it the end, it took that one careless conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Barnes who was unaware of Loki standing behind them, listening to them chuckling happily about 'How fortunate they were.' and how 'That Rogers boy is sick, and with his death, we would finally get our James back to how he used to be!' not knowing that it was those words that were the final straw that broke Loki, who turned around and ran; uncaring of the icy rain that soaked him to the bones.

In the end, Loki could only run to where Steve was, blaming himself for being so stupid that he didn't realize that there was something wrong when Steve didn't come to drag his ass to scream at him after the second week of wallowing. Loki couldn't help the panic at the thought of losing the only precious person he had; the thought of Steve being sick with TB just like their Ma and dying… was enough to make Loki's heart stop for a few seconds, the terror of that thought was enough for Loki to run and run until his legs burned. Uncaring of the icy water that soaked everything in its path, and chilled him to the bones as the storm approached, uncaring at the notion of being sick if it meant reaching Steve and making sure he was alive with Loki… uncaring about how he whispered the word 'Please' over and over again, begging anyone and everyone who would have a pity on him to help him reach Steve before it was too late.

His legs were shaking, and his lung burning by the time he reached Steve's apartment; his breaths was nothing but harsh panting as he took two steps of stairs at the same time trying to reach Steve and reassure himself that the Barnes family were wrong, that they only said that to scare him… that Steve wasn't sick and was going to leave Loki in the end.

Loki ended up breaking the door because no one answered him…

Finding Steve… Loki could only cry his name when he found him lying on the bed, his face flushed red and his breath coming in harsh gasps; his body was curled under the blanket as he shook. Loki remembered the tears running down his face as he all but rushed to Steve, touching his forehead, Loki whined as his hand came into contact with Steve's cold and clammy skin.

That day, he remembered calling Steve's name only for no answer to come. That day, Loki remembered how he hoisted Steve over his back, bundled with as many blankets as Loki can manage before once more he started running, but this time, he was in desperate need find a doctor… anyone… the hospital was far away, and Loki knew he wouldn't manage to reach the hospital in time no matter how he ran, and a car was out of the question, not after crossing half of Brooklyn on foot to reach Steve. That day, Loki begged under his breath with every step he took for Heimdall and Odin to open the Bifrost; his tears hiding under the rain as he ran to the house of the closest doctor he know about, an old man who was one of Ma's acquaintances from work.

He remembered tripping and falling down, the pain in his body not registering as he sobbed, icy droplets of water soaking them as the harsh wind slapped them; he remembered pleading and later screaming for anyone from Asgard who heard him open the Bifrost… Odin… Heimdall… Frigga… Thor… anyone… promising that he would be good if they just saved Steve… he can't lose Steve… Loki can't lose him… he can't live without him… the fates were cruel enough to take his Ma away from him, but to take away Steve? Loki knew that the second Steve's soul left his physical body, he would follow him…

"L… L-Loki…" Steve's voice followed by his harsh coughs was enough to snap Loki out of it; turning his gaze from the dark sky to Steve, who was shaking with every cough that wrecked his body… that was enough for Loki to rush toward Steve, voice cracking as he said Steve's name over and over, taking hold of his hand and holding him to his chest, begging him not to leave Loki alone. "S-stupid L-Loki… 'm n-not leaving… 'till t-the end o-of t-the line… r-remember…" Steve reassured him in a hoarse voice, even if he was still coughing, the air not reaching his lungs as his chest refused to expand.

It was that phrase that brought the harshest sobs; because those words were the last Loki ever said to Steve before the distance started. It was the words that Loki said to Steve, promising him to be there for him no matter what; be it a fight, sickness, sadness, or happiness… it was Loki's promise to his precious person; the promise that he failed to keep.

In the end, Loki managed to gather himself enough to stand up, holding Steve tightly as he once more started running; this time he was not begging, not praying, not pleading… just running, as he tried to reach the doctor that would help Steve. In the end, Loki managed to reach the doctor, his body tired and his lungs burning as the air refused to enter his chest; he remembered swaying as he forced his legs to take step after step, he remembered how he nearly tripped when he reached the stairs, only to grunt and force himself to put one leg in front of the other.

Loki remembered how he nearly broke the door down from how loud he banged on it, hoping someone would answer…

When the doctor finally answered the door, Loki all but fainted as he rushed in; his haggard sight seemed to be enough for the old man to usher Loki inside, directing him toward the bed where he put Steve on; the man ordered Loki to strip him as he brought the medicine to treat him.

The next few hours were nothing but a blur, Loki not remembering much other than trying to help; latching up to Steve as he tried to help him into a sitting position so the doctor can force the medicine down his throat. At that time, Loki was too preoccupied with Steve and the tiredness that was taking hold of him to take notice of how the doctor was acting strange. At that time, Loki was too busy pleading with Steve to stay with him, to pay attention to how the doctor ran his hand on Loki's shoulder as he whispered his name softly. Loki was too tired, his body shivering and shaking, and his mind too clouded to make the connection of how the doctor instead of giving the pills and syrups the mortals seemed too fascinated with; the old man gave Steve a bowel containing golden liquid, followed by a small slice of what looked like an apple.

Loki remembered nothing of what took place, he only remembered the exhaustion and pain that came from crashing down from the roller-coaster of emotions, as he forced himself to stay awake that night. He didn't think it really mattered at that time, not when the next morning came; the fever was already broken and Steve looked more relaxed than he did the last time he saw him, his breathing was deep and even. Loki remembered crying that morning, happiness and relief taking over him as he sagged on the floor; his body was still high-stringed from last night and the doctor had to pull him away from Steve and give him some tea to calm his nerves least he started breaking down once more.

The taste of tea reminded him of Frigga…

A thought that was so absurd that Loki banished it before the idea fully manifested, wobbling toward Steve and taking his perch beside his bed, laying his head near Steve, as he was finally surrounded to exhaustion; Steve was alive, he was sleeping the sickness away and his fever was broken… Steve was here… Loki didn't pay attention as he drifted to sleep; a gentle hand running through his hair and a voice that was familiar to Frigga's sobbed how 'Sorry' she was…

Steve was alive…


"Where are you going?" A harsh voice questioned, causing Loki to blink and turned to the speaker, his face was voided of emotions when his eyes stilled on the frowning man; the man who was a replica of Odin in a way that Loki spent years trying to please him and not make him angry… the man he would have lost Steve for if he didn't get his shit together and started to man up.

"I am leaving." Was the only sentence that Loki graced the man with as he shifted his suitcase to his left hand, planning on taking his coat and hat before he left this place for good. Before Loki could take his coat, a large hand gripped him in a harsh grip, nearly causing Loki to wince at the pain, but still, Loki held into his emotion as he turned his head to face the glare that Mr. Barnes was sending him.

"I do not know what brought this on, but you are not leaving." Was what Mr. Barnes hissed as he all but started to drag Loki away from the closet, his rough handling caused a snarl to appear on Loki's face as he pulled his hand away from his adoptive father's grip. "Enough of these childish games, already!" The man snapped pulling himself to stand straight and gaze at Loki with a dark look… a look that if Loki was at the end of a few months ago… hell! A few weeks ago, he would have backed down and acted like the perfect boy Mr. Barnes always wanted him to be.

"This is not a childish game! This is me finally standing up for myself and doing what I should have done years ago and leaving this goddamned place!" Loki snapped, his shouts made Mr. Barnes take a step back, and a surprised and shocked look crossed his face after Loki finally dared to talk back to him.

"What's going on here?" That was Mrs. Barnes who came rushing toward them, a look of concern on her face when she saw both Loki and Mr. Barnes facing each other; Loki though didn't pay any attention to the woman who for him was nothing but a crazy witch that made his life for the past few years a living hell as she continued to throw girls and women at him left and right, not allowing him a chance to see his way. Instead, Loki's attention was on Rebecca who rushed toward the commotion but hide behind the door lest her parents spot her; gazing at Loki with wide eyes that held equal confusion and fear.

"Your idiot son is trying to leave home, that's what's going on!" Mr. Barnes snapped, his words bringing harsh gasps from both Rebecca and Mrs. Barnes who gazed at Loki like the young man confessed to a murder.

"James… darling…" Mrs. Barnes whispered, coming to stand before Loki and cupping his cheek, his hand doing nothing but bring nausea as it remind him of the many times that woman hit him because he wasn't the perfect James in her eyes. "You are clearly not thinking right… just leave your suitcase and come with us to talk… I am sure we can find a solution to whatever bothering you…" Mrs. Barnes said in a motherly tone… a voice that years and years ago would have tricked Loki into believing every word that left that chameleon's lips.

Loki just smiled mockingly, putting his hand on top of Mrs. Barnes's and ignoring her hopeful smile as he leaned down to say. "My name is Loki…" Taking immense pleasure in the horrified looks that crossed both Mr. and Mrs. Barnes's faces as they gazed at him. The shock itched to their faces when they were forcefully reminded that he was not their real son; with that Loki pulled away from Mrs. Barnes walking to the closet to bring his coat.

"It's that Rogers's brat's fault isn't it?! I knew we should have got rid of him before he corrupted you with his thinking!" Mr. Barnes snapped, his words stilling Loki in his place; it didn't take a later second before Loki felt his face pulling into a snarl as he let his suitcase fall to the ground, another second passed before Loki was on the man, punching him and getting punched in returned as they both threatened and cursed the other existence. Their fight caused Mrs. Barnes to scream and beg them to stop, only for her words to be unheard, as Loki broke Mr. Barnes's nose after receiving a black eye from him; it was only Rebecca's cry in the background that made Loki pull from Mr. Barnes and head to his suitcase, pulling his coat from the closet and leaving the house; ignoring the yelling and threatening he was hearing.

"No one would want you! I promise you would never find anyone who dared to hire you as long as I lived! I will make sure that you and that wretched street rats die in a ditch as you should have years ago!"

That was what rang in Loki's head as he made his way toward Steve's apartment; wincing as he straightened his nose, but other than that, he couldn't help but feel lighter than he had years and years ago. Even with Mr. Barnes's threat looming over him, Loki couldn't help the tired smile that took over his face at the prospect of finally being free of the shackles that the Barnes family tied him with; the only regret that Loki had was leaving his little sister in the Barnes family clutches. If Loki had his way, he would have taken Rebecca with him, but he knew his little sister, and he knew that his Ma raised her to never take any abuse lying down, and he knew the Barnes family and how they would cut their hands before raising it to their biological daughter; so, in the end, Rebecca was safer with the Barnes family then with him and Steve.

Knocking on the apartment door, Loki waited for Steve to open the door, and be greeted by Steve (Steve who looked much better than he was a week ago, having made a miraculous recovery in just over seven days; Loki tried to return back to the doctor and thank him for his help; but he was told that the man had moved away with his family, not long after he finished treating Steve) whose eyes widen at Loki's sight as he all but whispered 'Bucky…' before jumping into action, bringing Loki inside and forcing him to sit on the chair in the kitchen to tend his wounds. In all of that, Loki just stayed still, taking Steve in, and trying not to wince in pain as the towel made contact with his injured face.

"What happened, Buck?" Steve asked, his voice soft and his hands gentle as he treated, Loki, causing him to hum and lean on Steve's chest, taking comfort in the sound of Steve's heart beating, even if it was out of sync; Steve just hummed, his hand started to run through Loki's hair, not pushing and not demanding, only waiting for what Loki was going to disclose.

"I… I listen to Ma..." Loki whispered, his words caused Steve to inhale sharply before bringing Loki tightly to his chest, humming softly as he waited for Loki to say more. "Ended up with me being kicked out… so… do you have a couch I can crash on, pal?" Loki tried to joke, his words causing Steve to blink before laughing, shaking his head.

"Bucky… you know you don't have to ask… this is your home too." That summoned a sniffle from Loki who took a deep measured breath, mainly to stop himself from tearing up and crying. Steve then pulled back, resuming his work of cleaning and bandaging Loki's face, a gentle look in his eyes as he gazed at Loki and Loki… Loki couldn't help but lean up until their lips were touching… It lasted only a few seconds before Loki pulled back, his heart was pounding in his chest; face flushed as he gazed at Steve, whose eyes were wide as he took Loki in, jaw dropped and cheeks colored pink. Loki waited for Steve's reaction, wondering if what he did was foolish or if he was wrong about Steve's feeling all along; before Loki apologized, Steve smiled and let out a laugh before saying. "Jerk… what took you so long?" Before leaning down to kiss, Loki, his hands cupping Loki's cheeks as his lips gently caress his; Loki just leaned in, for once not feeling the weight of the world suffocating him, feeling happy and light like he was about to fly any moment now… tears clouding his eyes as he remembered his Ma's words and how right she was… For the first time in years; Loki truly felt happy…

He felt at home…


So what do you think?

Finally an update!

It had been a long time since I updated this story, but college and life really had a way of messing up with someone's creativity and time.

Poor Loki, poor Steve! I really wanted to give them a hug throughout the chapter.

Sad chapter I know… but it must be written… even if I struggled to write it… I am not crying…

Anam Cara is the Irish phrase that meant 'Soul Friend' or 'Soul Mate'

Read and Review

And tell me what you think…

Nazaki-Sama