Chapter 68
Warm hands were closed around her fingers as the sounds around her slowly returned. Blinking with difficulty, Regina opened her eyes and looked around. It wasn't Emma's hands she felt. They belonged to Snow. "Emma," Regina whispered in a raspy voice and tried to sit up, but was pushed back into the pillows by Snow.
"It's too early for that. You need to rest," the brunette with the short haircut calmly replied, reaching for her hand again.
"No," Regina muttered, running her free hand over her face, noticing first the oxygen tube in her nose and then the IV in the back of her hand. "No!" she repeated, sitting up regardless of Snow's protests and the beeping of the heart monitor. She no longer knew with absolute certainty what had happened, but she had thought that someone had helped her into bed. Instead, she was now horrified to find that she was in the hospital. "What have you done to me?" she said angrily, "I have to..."
"You have only one thing to do now: lie down and calm down," Snow replied, sighing.
"But Emma, she..." she began erratically, ruffling her hair.
Snow, however, remained merciless and pulled the covers back up under her chin. "David's with her, don't worry about her."
"Still, I have to get to her, I have to..."
"Regina! Now you listen to me!" Snow said almost angrily now, who had her brow furrowed in an unaccustomed seriousness. "Emma called 911, you collapsed at your house! The doctors say you narrowly missed a heart attack! So now stop acting like a little kid and stay in the damn bed!" Tears welled up in her eyes and nothing could stop them from running down her cheeks.
"She told you," Regina whispered monotonously as she noticed Snow's changing emotions. Sighing, she closed her eyes and swallowed hard. It was silly, but somehow she had hoped that she had only had a nightmare while she had not been conscious.
Tense, Snow stared at Regina's hand, which she still held, and bit her lip. "She told us while we were waiting for you to regain consciousness," she replied quietly after a while.
"Emma was here?" Regina wanted to know, whose head snapped around at this statement.
"No one could have stopped her," Snow smiled sadly. "But she couldn't hold herself upright at some point, so David brought her home."
Regina was silent, lingering for a few moments in thought with her girlfriend who did everything for her. Almost everything. "I'm sorry she stopped the treatments. You shouldn't lose her again after such a short time."
"She wants it that way," Snow whispered, looking down at the floor before her gaze paused directly on Regina's eyes and a soft but sad smile settled on her lips. "She loves you so much, Regina. I... can't imagine that love can't conquer death."
"Snow..." Shaking her head, she stroked her hand. "I know you're a fan of happy endings, who isn't? But we don't always get everything we want."
Snow pressed her lips together and her posture made it clear that she couldn't and wouldn't agree with Regina, but she remained silent and let the subject drop. "Do you want me to let someone know you're awake? You'll want to talk to a doctor, I guess."
"If you'd be so kind," Regina nodded, taking a deep breath. She was sure Snow was exaggerating wildly and had only been sitting by her bedside to calm Emma down, but on the other hand, she felt battered and wanted to lie here forever.
Snow had barely been gone five minutes when Whale already entered the hospital room and took a seat on the plastic chair she had left at Regina's bedside. "So we meet again, Regina," he greeted her, flipping open her chart.
"Good day to you, too," she rumbled, adjusting the headboard of the bed higher as she looked at him expectantly, her arms crossed in front of her chest. "When can I leave?"
"Slowly, one thing at a time," he said, raising his eyes from the chart to her again.
"Why do I feel like I've been hit by a train?" she wanted to know.
"We had to sedate you, you got too agitated and might have aggravated your condition even more."
"What condition?" she asked, trying hard not to let on that she was angry about being sedated with medication.
"Your ECG is fine so far, and so is the cardiac echo. You have broken heart syndrome, Regina. Does that mean anything to you?" Whale inquired of her.
"Do I look like someone who's memorizing a medical textbook?" she asked, annoyed.
"Chest tightness, shortness of breath... does that sound familiar? Broken heart syndrome is mainly triggered by emotional stress. Unlike a heart attack, no vessels are blocked, but it can still cause serious complications, especially since you're already suffering from cardiac arrhythmias. I had told you to take it easy. You again haven't had a heart attack, but the day will come when you will, because these are all harbingers."
"Great. And what exactly do you mean by that statement? Are you perhaps trying to scare me?" Regina countered, annoyed. "I certainly don't get so upset by choice, it just happens!"
Whale nodded. "Then I would suggest you get it under control as soon as possible, because otherwise I don't know how much longer your heart can compensate." He paused when he saw her murderous look and continued speaking a little more softly. "I'm really sorry Emma's in bad shape. But this is your health, Regina. You need to take care of yourself."
"When can I leave?" was the only thing that interested the brunette. He had no way of knowing that Emma wasn't just in bad shape, because in a way, doctors were also subject to a certain degree of confidentiality among themselves. Of course, Emma's condition would soon have spread like wildfire in a small town like Storybrooke anyway, but at this point they themselves had only just learned about it, after all. Regina, however, didn't see herself in a position to explain to him what had upset her to the point of collapse.
"We'll be watching you for the next few days. Expect a week," he answered her question.
Regina snorted and shook her head. "No way. Where do I sign so I can leave right away?"
"Regina, I can't let you leave in your current condition. At the very least, the sedatives need to be completely out of your system."
"So, when?" The rising panic immediately caused her heart to race again, which was reflected in the monitor's alarm tone shortly after. Emma had only four weeks left, possibly less. She couldn't spend part of it here and leave her alone.
Whale raised a brow and watched Regina's heartbeat, which was too fast but still in sinus rhythm. "We'll observe you overnight, and tomorrow we'll decide how to proceed, agreed?"
"No, not agreed," she burst out, flipping back the covers, otherwise feeling so helpless and weak, but wishing she hadn't the next moment when she realized she was dressed only in a hospital nightgown. Hoping not to blush, she continued, "You can watch me overnight, and tomorrow I'll go home."
Whale sighed, but conceded defeat. "Fine, I can't keep you here. But until then, you're on strict bed rest. If you need anything, you'll have to call a nurse."
"Whatever," Regina muttered, wanting only for him to disappear. After all, he had no idea that a few hours ago her whole world had come crashing down. She doubted that anyone could understand what it was like inside her, because otherwise no one would be surprised that her heart started to strike again. That, ironically, she was suffering from a syndrome that could not have better described her condition. Her heart was indeed broken. Surprised, Regina realized that Whale was actually gone when she next looked up. She had been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed his departure. She was granted only a few minutes of silence, however, during which she stared blankly at the ceiling before Snow pushed her way back into the room.
"Any news?" she wanted to know gently.
"I'm going to stay the night," Regina replied monotonously.
"Yes, of course you will," Snow nodded, not expecting anything else. "Is there anything you want me to bring over? Your cell phone is already in the nightstand, but that's all we could pack up in a hurry."
"That won't be necessary, thank you," she replied, finally turning her head to her again. "It would just be nice if one of you could pick me up tomorrow," she then explained.
Snow was about to retort that discharge the next day was far too soon, but bit her tongue at the last moment. As absurd and unreasonable as Regina was, she could understand her. Of course she wanted to be with Emma as much as she could.
Both women winced in shock when suddenly the door flew open again. Pale-faced and panicked, Henry rushed in, crossed the room, and threw himself into Regina's arms. "Mom!" Tears obscured his vision as his mother, in turn, hugged him.
"Henry, it's okay. I'm fine," she assured him gently, stroking his hair, though the IV access in her hand hurt when she moved it.
"You always say that, and now you're lying here," Henry countered, leaning back from her and looking into her eyes as the first tears fell.
Regina looked from him to Snow. Fortunately, she didn't have to say anything for her to understand.
"I'll give you two a moment. See you tomorrow, Regina. Get some rest. Henry, I'll wait outside and then drive you home." With that, she left the room and quietly closed the door.
Regina sighed deeply and sat up in bed. The sedatives caused the room to spin slightly, but that subsided a moment later. "I'm really fine, Henry. I... had a panic attack and didn't manage to calm down again, and since my heart was struggling anyway, I collapsed. Everything's okay now."
Henry's doubtful gaze slid from the oxygen tube in her nose to the IV dribbling into her vein to the monitor with all the confusing curves in all different colors. "You call this okay?"
"These are just precautions," she explained, stroking his back reassuringly.
"What happened?" he wanted to know quietly after a while, staring into space.
"What do you mean?"
"You're always very anxious," he said, "but you only have panic attacks when you feel like you're completely losing control of a situation. So something must have happened."
Regina hated that he was so observant at that moment. On the other hand, it was better to tell him the truth as soon as possible. The last time they had tried to protect him, it had only hurt him more. "Emma's kidneys are failing, Henry," it thus came quietly from her, "and she doesn't want to be treated anymore."
Confused, Henry looked at her. "But last time, she had to have dialysis right away. What's different this time?"
The lump in her throat grew, but she managed to stroke Henry's hair with a sad smile on her lips. "Nothing," she said chokingly, shaking her head. "She's exhausted, Henry. All she wants is a few good last days with us."
"What, last days? And you let her do that?!" Henry asked in a horrified voice, who had jumped up from the bed and clenched his hands into fists.
At that moment, he reminded Regina so infinitely of the ten-year-old boy who tried to convince Emma at any cost that all people were fairy tale characters and they lived in a cursed town.
"You can't do that! That's not how the story ends!" he cried in despair.
"Henry... This is Emma's decision," Regina whispered, closing her eyes. It hurt so immensely to see her son in such pain.
"Then change her mind or make sure someone changes her mind! I can still donate my bone marrow. We can at least try, if she is going to die anyway!"
"Henry... Even if by some miracle she survives the transplant and accepts your bone marrow... Her kidneys are irreparably damaged. She would be on dialysis until there is a suitable donor. And she doesn't want that," she tried to explain as rationally as possible. The more she repeated it, the more she could actually understand Emma. She didn't know whether she herself might not have given up sooner.
"Then I'll donate one kidney to her too, I don't need two!" he countered immediately, his face by now red and swollen with agitation and tears.
"Henry." Regina's heart ached, but this time it was not physical pain. "Come here, honey," she begged, reaching out her arms to him.
Reluctantly, the teenager stepped up to his mother's bedside again and settled down on it.
Only when she wrapped her arms around him and he snuggled against her, crying, did she know that he now understood.
"Why don't they get in touch?" Emma was lying in her bed, but she was wide awake, staring at the screen of her cell phone, despite her dragging-down exhaustion. "I want to go back, something's wrong."
"We're going to stay here," David replied firmly, however, before his features softened. "I know you want to be with her, but you need to rest."
"I am rested. I've been lying here for ages now!"
"You almost passed out when I carried you in," he reminded her. "You need sleep, or at least some more relaxation."
Frustrated, Emma hurled her cell phone across the living room. It was only thanks to a lucky accident that it landed directly on the sofa and thus didn't shatter into a thousand pieces. "I hate this! I hate this fucking disease! It's its fault that Regina is miserable and now I can't even be with her!"
"Emma..." Not knowing what else he could have done, David put his arms around his daughter to pull her reassuringly close and stroke her back. "Regina will be well taken care of at the hospital. You of all people know that they take good care of patients there. You never wanted her to sit by your bedside for hours either, but to go home and get some rest. Now it's the other way around. You need to rest now for her sake, so she doesn't have to worry about you any more than she already does."
"Stop talking to me like I'm a little kid!" she snapped, but was sorry for it the very next moment. Sighing, she leaned her forehead against David's chest and closed her eyes. "I'm just... I'm scared for her. If I hadn't..." She broke off and sank fully into her father's arms.
"I know you care about her," David said quietly as he continued to caress her. "You love her, no one would ever doubt that. But love also makes you careless and reckless, I speak from experience. Now it's even more important that you don't give in to those feelings, but be sensible. I promised Snow that I would look out for you and make sure you were okay. So... I would suggest making you a little something to eat now and that you try to get some sleep afterwards. I'll wake you up as soon as I have some news, okay?"
Emma was silent for a while before dropping back into her pillows, defeated. "Okay. But you don't have to make me anything to eat," she started slowly.
"That's not up for debate, Emma. You have to-"
"I get it," she interrupted him. "But you can save yourself the trouble. There's high-calorie drinkable food in the hanging cabinet next to the dishes. Just pick any of those, I can't get anything else down," she then asked.
"I see," David nodded and headed for the kitchen, from where he returned a moment later and handed his daughter the bottle with the straw in it.
More than reluctantly, Emma took it from him and took one quick pull on the straw, whereupon she screwed up her face and swallowed strained.
"I specifically chose the chocolate-flavored one," David pointed out when he noticed Emma's disgusted expression.
A weary smirk settled on her lips. "Do you want a taste? I don't know what jokers invented these things, but it has precious little to do with chocolate. Tastes better than the cappuccino kind, though, which made me throw up the first time I tried it." A glance at the clock made her lower her food. As soon as Regina wasn't there, she forgot to take her pills. "Dad, can you bring me my pills? They're in the drawers over there. The key is in the vase next to the TV." Since she spent most of her existence here in the living room, they had stashed all the pill bottles here as well, but to Regina's surprise, even Emma had insisted on keeping them safe. Even though Robin was still much too small to reach or open the drawer, the risk was too great for her, and with Neal, too, you never knew if he might suddenly start climbing on top of the cabinets.
Completely overwhelmed by the sheer volume of orange, yellow and green pill bottles, David stared into the drawer. "Which ones do you need?"
"Just bring me all of them," Emma replied, thanking him as he dropped all 18 medications on the bedspread in front of her. Tired, she picked out the right pills and took an additional painkiller, as it was another one of those days when her regular medication wasn't enough to bring the pain down to a tolerable level. "Thank you," she repeated when she was done and leaned her head back, exhausted and with her eyes closed.
David then conscientiously put everything back in its place and sat down with Emma. "At least a little more," he begged, lifting the drink she had set aside to her lips.
Normally she would have protested immediately, but since he was just trying to be there for her and doing so well, even though he too had to digest that her time was all but up, she carefully pulled a little on the straw. She realized, however, that she should have trusted her instincts when she gagged. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this right now. I'll try later, I promise." She wasn't even sure if it was the unpleasant taste or her exhaustion.
"Do you think you can lie like that?" David inquired, not wanting to argue with his daughter. She had tried, after all, and he would be the last one to force his dying child to eat.
Emma just nodded slowly and immediately closed her eyes again. She didn't care at all how she lay; the day was taking its toll on her and now that the initial agitation was over and her adrenaline level was dropping again, all strength had left her.
David merely pulled the blanket further over her body before taking her hand in his and watching her as her head slowly slid to the side and her rapid breathing calmed somewhat. He had listened in silence as she had tried to explain the reasons she had decided against further treatments. At first he hadn't been able to understand, even though he had been cagey about his opinion. But now that he had direct evidence that Emma found some relief only in sleep, he began to understand her decision.
When evening had already fallen and Regina had dozed for a few hours after Snow and Henry had left, there was another knock at her door. Puzzled as to who should have come to see her so late, she wondered if the nurse who had just been there had forgotten something. But her question was answered when the door was suddenly flung open and Zelena came rushing in.
"What the hell, Regina!" she raged, her neck red with agitation. Her gaze slid over her little sister, who lay pale and slumped in the hospital bed.
"It looks worse than it is," Regina immediately reassured her and wiped her red-rimmed eyes with her hand. "I'm going home tomorrow. They just want to watch me overnight."
Zelena dropped onto the edge of the bed, still looking at her. "What happened?"
"Oh, you found out I was here, but not for what reason?" Regina asked in a slightly amused tone, raising an eyebrow.
Zelena threw her hands up in the air in frustration. "Snow called me, made cryptic hints and then offered to take Robin if I wanted to come to you."
"And you left her with her?" Regina asked in surprise.
"Well, guess what! She's not going to spoil her within a few hours and of course I won't turn down an offer like that if my little sister has managed to catapult herself into hospital again." She looked at her doubtfully and tilted her head. "So, what's wrong?"
"I just collapsed," the brunette mumbled curtly and rolled her eyes. "So you can cool off, I'm not dying." Her mouth went dry and tears welled up in her eyes as she realized what words she had chosen.
"Regina?" Zelena said quietly when she noticed her sister's change of mood. She gently put a hand around hers.
Regina shook her head and bit her trembling lower lip without looking at Zelena. She knew that she wouldn't be able to keep the tears at bay if she saw her worried blue eyes. "Emma is going to die. The chemo has destroyed her kidneys and she is refusing any further treatment," she squeezed out strainedly. Her heart immediately started racing again, which was directly reflected on the monitor, but she was glad to have finally got it over with. The whole family now knew and Emma's condition was nobody else's business.
"But she... Is there nothing more they can do?" Zelena asked uneasily.
"Not unless Emma agrees. I can even understand her in a way. But it hurts so damn much."
"Hey, if you want, I'll beat her up for you. She swore to me that she wouldn't hurt you and look at you now," she half-joked and pulled Regina into her arms.
She willingly let it happen and leaned her head against Zelena's chest. "It's not her fault," she finally whispered, enjoying the closeness and warmth of her sister, even though a few tears were now rolling down her cheeks. "She did what she could. I don't think I would have let all that happen to me."
"Oh yes, you would have," Zelena said with conviction. "And do you want to know how I know that?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued: "Because you love her just as much as she loves you. You wouldn't be able to leave her and Henry behind either. Maybe she'll realize what she's giving up if she sticks to her decision and changes her mind again."
"It didn't sound like that at all," Regina sighed and shook her head. "And I don't want her to change her decision, which certainly wasn't easy for her, just because of us. She has her reasons. Neither you nor I know how she really feels. She's been in a bad way for so long, Zelena. But how bad, we can only guess and probably can't even begin to imagine." Her voice broke and she looked up at Zelena seriously. She didn't care that new tears were still streaming from her eyes as she met her gaze. "I won't try to change her mind. I won't make it any harder for her."
"But what about you? What about your feelings?" Zelena retorted impulsively.
Regina shook her head with a wry smile. "This isn't about my feelings. This is first and foremost about Emma having a good time before she leaves. And I expect you to support me in that."
Zelena was silent for a long time, her eyes flickering with all kinds of emotions. But finally she nodded once, barely perceptibly, and tightened the grip with which she was holding Regina. "You can count on me."
