A/N: Thank you SO MUCH for all the love from the last chapter and I feel so welcomed back! I really hope you'll enjoy this story as it goes on.
There was a reader asking if the title was misspelled or if it was my intension to name it Admiratio instead of Admiration, and it is my intension. Look up what it's translated into from latin and you'll know *wink*. Anyway, back to the story, love you and thank you again!
When Kate tucks her daughter into bed that night her daughter asks for a story and she starts looking through the books in her daughter's shelf.
"No, mom, can't you make up a story?" Lily asks and Kate bites her lip.
She walks back to the bed and thinks about it for a second.
"Please mommy, please," the girl begs with her hands clasped in front of her.
"I don't know peanut," Kate says and the girl gives her those puppy eyes she so often does. Kate then smirks and the girl squeals. "Scoot over."
When the girl does, Kate sits down beside her and opens her arm to let the girl snuggle in.
"Once upon a time, there was a dog named Daisy. She had just been adopted and she was so happy about her new home. She couldn't wait to explore though, so she got out by jumping through the little dog door and started sniffing around everywhere," Kate starts and continues the story about a dog who explores too far and gets lost but who eventually gets home okay with the help from some unexpected friends.
Lily falls asleep almost immediately after the story has ended and Kate kisses her forehead before she turns off the lamp on the bedside table and sneaks out of the bedroom.
Kate goes into the living area to look at her phone, making sure nothing has happened at work and then she proceeds into her bathroom to get herself ready for bed. While she's in there, brushing her teeth, she starts to think back to the day she's had and her thoughts get stuck on the man she once spent every waking moment with. She can't believe she met him again. Can't really believe he remembered her. She would've thought all the fame had gotten to his head and that he'd dated so many other women that he'd have no recollection of her. It all felt like a lifetime ago. Yet the feelings that had stirred up inside her when she saw him was out of control, even now, lying down on her bed she's still feeling butterflies in her stomach. A small part of her wonders if he had felt it too, especially when he caught her hand in interrogation. So many memories came flooding back and right now she has nothing to distract her from remembering. She remembers how they first met, how her mom and dad had embarrassed her at times, how his mother had walked in on them kissing at some point in the early stages. She remembers that first weekend in her parents' cabin. Gosh, so many memories.
She shakes her head and turns onto her side, she needs to sleep, that she hadn't lied about. She closes her eyes and starts a breathing exercise she's learned through the police academy. As she feels herself finally relaxing and going into a slumber she also starts seeing his eyes and his smile. She decides not to stop it though, and so she enters the land of dreams with a certainty that the man will haunt every single dream tonight.
Kate wakes up with her cheeks hot and she sticks out half her body from under the covers to cool herself down. She rubs her eyes and face in order to forget the dream she's just woken from and peeks at her alarm clock. It's only 5am so she should be good for another hour before it's time to go wake her daughter. Urgh. The dream had been so real, probably because it was partially a memory, and she sighs. It was a bad idea to include him in the investigation. Then again it was her job to follow the evidence. If she hadn't contacted him and her captain found out she knew something she withheld… well, she'd been in big trouble. She could've asked Esposito or Ryan to do the interview but that would've probably just looked suspicious to them since she almost always preferred taking the lead on any investigation they did, unless they had multiple people to investigate. Anyway, it still makes her question her decision to interview him herself. It stirs up so many memories and she found herself feeling upset, feeling… empty. She'd never admit it to anyone but she had toyed with the thought of him being her the one that got away.
It didn't make it any less painful seeing him. She had kept track of him by reading his books, even had an account at his fan site. Not under her own name though, of course not. And she did her best to pretend he was just her favorite writer any time her daughter asked something about him or caught her rereading the same books over and over. She guesses she's lucky the girl hasn't asked if she knew the writer and just hadn't met with him in a while.
Urgh. Speaking of daughter. Lily had started a project in school about her family history, and while Kate understood it was a project thought out to give the kids some kind of self knowledge and feel they knew who they were, it was the worst thing that could happen. Lily had started asking questions about her real dad, had of course started asking Kate about her grandmother but after Kate had told her everything she knew about her mother it didn't take long before Lily started turning the conversation into questions about her birth.
"Is he dead?" had been one of the questions when Kate had refused to tell her the name of the man.
Kate had mumbled at that point saying she wished he was because that would've been less complicated. But no, he wasn't dead, just someone who she thought hadn't been comfortable being a father. It's a lie. He'd talked about being a dad a couple times and, come to think about it, she hated herself for keeping this from him. But it had been for the best at that time. What about now? a small voice invaded her thoughts. She thinks about it for a second. What would she even say? Oh, by the way you have an 8 year old daughter I never told you about so congratulations on becoming a father! No, not happening.
As she continues to think about it all she jerks at the sound of the alarm clock going off and lets a profanity through her lips as she slaps her hand on the off button. She takes a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling, and then decides it's time to get up. First thing she does in her morning routine is getting dressed and make coffee. While the coffee is dripping down she's continuing her walk into her daughter's room and starts waking her up slowly by light touches and whispers.
"Time to get up, peanut," she slowly raises her voice and the girl starts to turn in her bed.
"Five more minutes mom," Lily says and Kate chuckles.
"What would you want for breakfast?" she asks instead of commenting on her daughter's sleepy behavior.
"Pancakes?" Lily says and peeks under her eyelashes to see her reaction.
Kate smiles and shakes her head. "What else?"
"Toast," Lily says and Kate nods.
"That we can do, and one pancake after," she says and her daughter's lips turn up in a wide smile. "Get dressed."
Before she leaves to make the breakfast Kate leans down and kisses her forehead. It takes about ten minutes before Kate sees her daughter come into the kitchen all dressed and ready for school, which is perfect timing because the toast is ready. Kate serves her breakfast before she goes back to eat her own toast while she's making the pancake, not really expecting Lily to start a conversation since she so rarely did during breakfast.
"Hey, mom," she says carefully and Kate immediately feels something coming.
"Yes, peanut?" she answers when the girl doesn't continue.
"How come you don't talk about my dad?" Lily asks carefully, her voice displaying a small fear.
Kate feels her color drain from her face as she tries to keep calm, tries not to change her whole body demeanor. She bites her lip as she thinks about what she's supposed to say. Telling the truth isn't an option right now, she's always thought about what to do when the time comes and decided long before the girl could talk that she wouldn't tell her about her dad until she was old enough to understand the decision not to tell him. She's eight right now, and she's not interested in telling her daughter why she's not with her father anymore.
"I'm… I'm not talking about him because… it… it brings back all the memories of your grandma," she eventually explains. It's not completely false, which is probably why she takes a small break between the words coming out her mouth.
"Oh," Lily is silent for a few seconds, eating her toast. "But… mom, what if… what if I want to know more about him?"
Kate feels her heart ache for her daughter, she knows she would've wanted to know more, it's probably something she's inherited from both her parents. She takes a deep breath, flips the pancake and turns slightly towards the young girl.
"How about, you ask a question and I'll answer it if I can?" she asks, not really sure about this at all, but she can't push it off any longer.
Her daughter looks at her with wide eyes. "Really?"
Kate nods and hums, waiting for the first question to be asked.
"How did you meet him?"
"Well," Kate turns to put the pancake onto a plate and pours another one onto the pan. She takes the plate with the pancake and walks it over to her daughter. "We met in college, he was a few years older than me and was either goofing around with friends or sitting with his head in a book, writing." She remembers how adorable he'd looked when he sat with his storybook, how in peace he'd looked. But also how he'd look up at her and smile that big admirable smile the second he'd notice she was watching him.
Her daughter gives her a look. "Writing? What about?"
Kate goes back to the pancake in the pan and flips it before answering. "Everything that came to his mind. I used to call it his storybook, because it was filled with stories. And no one was allowed to read them," she told her with a small smile on her lips and a small shake in her head.
"Did you ever read them?"
Kate bites her lip. "Yeah, I did. Right before we got together, when we had become best friends, I'd earned his trust enough for him to show me his stories. Stories he had never shown anyone."
"Do you remember?" Lily sounds hopeful, and she looks at her with big, pleading eyes.
"Not much, peanut," she says as she thinks back to some of the stories which were too inappropriate for her age.
Lily starts eating on her pancake and Kate puts her own on a plate, turns off the stove and goes to sit down at the table with her daughter.
"Does…" Lily starts but cuts herself off.
"Does; what, Lil?" Kate decides to ask, she can see something troubling the girl.
Lily takes a deep breath and Kate feels herself getting more nervous, what question could she possibly be thinking about that would trouble her the way it does. Is it about what happened between them? That thought makes Kate even more nervous, she's not even sure what to answer if that question pops up. Though, that's not the question Lily has in mind at all.
"Does he know I exist?"
A/N: Sooo, hope you enjoyed it! Until next time, xxxx
