The next day goes by torturously slow and every second she can feel his askance eyes on her, knowing something is up without having to look for it. They still manage to work on the case though, because somehow he doesn't ask aloud. He's not terrorizing her with questions like he usually does, which also seems to make it easier for them to move forward in the case and soon they've got everything falling into place. Castle manages to trick the annoying privileged jerk into confessing which is both satisfying and a relief. Once they leave the interrogation room she realizes that it's time for lunch though, which brings her pulse to a higher level.
"So, should we get the report going?" Castle asks to her surprise and she stops in her tracks towards her desk.
"W-well, yeah, if that's okay with you," she says and he looks at her with mirroring surprise.
"I didn't think you'd want to go to lunch yet," he says and at that exact same moment her stomach growls lightly.
"I mean, I'd rather start writing the report so it's started," she admits and he nods.
"Then let's do it."
She's in shock, but goes per autopilot to her desk and starts on the report, which he helps her with for once. They fill in Esposito and Ryan as well when they get into the bullpen but then it's actually Kate who turns to him, taking a deep breath to gather courage.
"So, lunch?"
He looks at her with curious blues and nods. "Sure, I could eat."
They both stand up simultaneously and soon they're making their way to the elevator. The silence is eating at her, but at the same time she can't find it in herself to kill it. She's too nervous about what she has to do, so nervous she has to remind herself to focus on her driving as she sets the car to her apartment instead of Remy's. She's not sure if he'll want to eat after, but she is sure she won't be able to eat before. Once she parks the car she can feel his eyes on her but she doesn't dare look at him. It isn't until he voices a question that she realizes she's still clutching onto the steering wheel.
"Why are we going to your apartment?" he asks, his voice filled with concern.
She takes a deep breath and has to concentrate to take her fingers off the wheel. Once she does, they're shaking though, and so she tries to hide it by taking the car keys and getting out of the car with the next words leaving her mouth.
"I need to show you something."
Somehow he seems to know not to ask what, somehow he seems to know that she probably won't go through with it if he pushes on their way up in the elevator. She stays focused on her breathing, feeling like the air is getting thicker and thicker for each breath, which is most likely the panic attack sneaking its way into her body. Deep breath in, deep breath out. It's as if she can feel him too which only makes it harder to focus on her breathing. She can feel his curiosity along with his nerves which also makes it worse. It takes her a minute to unlock her door thanks to her shaky fingers, but to her relief he's not pushing her into hurrying up or anything like it. Once inside though, he's voicing a question and she bites her lower lip.
"What do you want to show me?"
"It's-uh, in here," she says as she's walking towards her bedroom, her hands still shaking as she thinks about the things in the box she's about to show him.
He follows and she gestures for him to sit on her bed as she opens her closet to go get the box. When she's coming back into her bedroom her fingers are clutching onto the box as she's slowly walking towards the bed, avoiding looking at him as she's sitting down onto the bed a few feet beside him.
"Wh-when we broke up, a few weeks later, I-ah, I felt weird and started vomiting every time I smelt something or ate something that had had no effect on me previously," she pauses to take a deep breath. Opening the box she's pretty sure he's able to see the few things at the top. "It was about a month or so after we broke up that I realized what might be wrong with me, and so I took a test…"
Kate rattles around in the box a bit before she finds the zipper bag with the test inside. She picks it up and, shakingly, hands it over to him.
"I'm sorry, Rick. I was… scared, stupid, broken, in no position to be a mom. I had no mom for god sake. And dad… the alcohol was bad. And you were just getting your book published and I didn't want to ruin anything."
"What are you…" he partially whispers, partially says.
Kate looks up at him, his eyes set on the pregnancy test in his hands. "You're her dad, Rick. I should've told you, I should've called you the second I knew. I know there's no good enough excuse for you to forgive me, but she's yours. You got me pregnant and I couldn't find it in myself to get an abortion. Not when I still loved you, besides it was too late for that anyway."
She turns quiet, and observes him still observing the stick in his hands. One part of her can't help but feel relief from finally telling him, another part is frightened that he's going to hate her and never want to see her nor their daughter ever again. Worst part would be if he never wants to see her daughter again, she can understand him hating her and she won't blame him.
"H-how old..?" he whispers.
"Eight years, she's eight years and about two months," she answers.
She can see him working out the math before he looks up at her with widened eyes.
"That… that means you were one month pregnant when we broke up. You would've skipped your period without us knowing," he says and she remembers how weird she'd found it at first when he kept track of her period and then how sweet it had been since he always made sure to give her what she needed.
"My mom was murdered, I had a lot on my mind and, well, honestly, so did you thanks to me," she explains their lack of observation back then and looks down into the box in her lap. Carefully she picks up the first ultrasound picture she'd decided belonged in the box.
She hands it to him, who's immediately looking at it with shock still written in his eyes. She's waiting another few minutes before she stands up from the bed and goes to one of the shelves on her wall and picks out a photo album. As she's still with her back to him she opens the album to be struck by the first baby pictures taken of their girl.
"When she was born I felt… I felt joy for the first time in a long time, but I also felt regret. I felt horrible for denying you to be there. But it was too late, I didn't even know where to begin. I hadn't told you the last seven months so how would I even start? I-ah, I took her strolling through the parks we used to go to, secretly hoping you'd run into us and do the math. My dad told me numerous times I should call you, but I couldn't. I was afraid you'd hate me, and I was afraid I'd ruin your career," she tells him as her throat starts to clench. She lets her fingers run over one of the pictures of Lily. "When we came across the cases staged like your books it's been so long I was hoping you'd forgotten about me because I figured there would be no way you'd ever forgive me if you found out. It's been eight years, and I have no good excuse."
Kate takes a deep breath and turns around in order to look at him, he's still looking down at the ultrasound and the pregnancy test he's holding in his hands.
"I'm sorry, I know it's a lot to take in," she whispers and closes the photo album. "Maybe I should leave you for a second." She turns to go out of her bedroom only to stop in her tracks.
"No, wait," he calls out and she bites her lower lip. "I-Wh-I could never hate you."
"But-"
"No, no buts. I would never be able to hate you, Kate. You're the one that got away, and apparently you got away along with o-our… baby," he stammers a bit and she turns around to look at him. He's looking at her with a lot of emotion in his eyes. "Does she know?"
"No, I never told her who you were, she's been asking about you though," she tells him honestly.
"So, what does she know?" he asks and she feels her cheeks blush as she thinks of the stories she's told the girl.
"Well, she knows only a little bit about us. Like how we were best friends before we became a couple," she says and thinks about the book she's been telling her daughter about.
"And what about now? When she's met me, what did you tell her?" he asks and she lets her fingers play with her shirt.
"I've just told her we were friends, and since she figured you had tasted my mom's soup I told her you'd come over one time when I was sick to give me the homework from school and that your fever broke out first at our home," she tells him and she can see the spark in his blues when he remembers the time she's talking about.
"Did you tell her I slept over?" he asks and she shakes her head.
"She asked about how long ago it was but I didn't tell her the exact years. I've… I've been kind of afraid of either you or her figuring it out before I could come clean," she admits with shame written all over her face.
"Will you tell her?" he asks and she feels uneasy.
She bites her lip again. "Only if you want me to, I mean I don't want anything from you, I don't want any money or anything. I needed you to know because it's not fair of me to keep it a secret anymore, you deserve to know."
He goes quiet and looks down at the ultrasound again. Carefully she walks closer to him again and holds out the album to him. He doesn't hesitate to put away the ultrasound in order to take the album and open it. She hears him gasp and then hold his breath as he looks at the baby pictures, turning the pages to look at the rest in the album.
"How do you think she'd take it? Finding out it's me?" he asks all of a sudden and she looks between him and the baby pictures.
"I don't know. I think she'll be mad at me, for not telling her sooner," she says and feels a knot in her stomach. What if she'd want to move in with her father and never see her again?
"That's not gonna happen," he says and she realizes she's been thinking aloud. "I won't let that happen. You're still her mom."
"Yeah," she mumbles as she looks at him. "But you're her dad and I shouldn't have kept her from you, or kept you from her. I should've known that."
He sits in silence, and so she keeps quiet too. The minutes go by and she has a feeling their lunch break should be over, can't help but wonder how long they can go before her coworkers will call her and ask where the hell she is.
"So, how do we tell her?" he asks and looks up at her with his ocean blue eyes filled with nerves and fright.
A/N: Thanks for reading, to the guest asking if the rest would be published: I'm trying my best to publish once a week but right now I've started writing on chapter 14 so don't know yet how many chapters there will be. However I've had a lot more on my plate than I imagined I would have. I usually have two dance classes a week (3 hours total) but this semester I decided to take one more aka 4 hours a week but then my dance teacher wanted my help at two classes and have created a class for those who's been at the dance school the longest so right now I'm up to 6,5 - 7 hours a week which was more than I bargained for lol
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT, but it doesn't give me much time to write ^^ I really hope I can find a balance so I can continue publish once a week though! Anyway, enough about me lol
Thanks again for reading, until next time, xxxx
