Chapter Fourteen

The sun shining, people milling around in their own little groups near the canteen, while a game was underway on diamond one set an all too familiar scene for Melissa as she and Kelly rocked up to Churchill Park. Melissa strode across the parking lot wearing her team USA jacket open over her Saints jersey and shorts. She carried her kit bag over her shoulder. She wore aviator sunglasses, her Saints hat and had an expensive set of bluetooth headphones over her ears. She was lost in the music, a game day tradition she had used to focus in Chicago. It helped her to shut the noise of the world around her out and it was something she felt she needed to shut out a different noise this time.

Kelly wasn't too far behind with a brand spanking new kit bag, which she had purchased the day before, as she hadn't exactly brought her gear with her on her trip. Thankfully she had the glove she had given Melissa back in Boston when they first met and she had also purchased a set of cleats. She had picked up the team shorts from the coach, Sharon, at training and had the good fortune of being given a jersey to wear that matched her number three from Chicago.

It was the little things that made the local competition feel enticing, as there would be little to no actual competition from the locals. Some might be able to get bat on ball, but Kelly felt pretty confident that Melissa was the only one that could in any way that mattered and she was on the same team. It was ridiculously unfair to the point that Kelly was seriously considering slowing it down to allow a little competition.

The pair had arrived early for the afternoon game, deciding to take time to watch the Eagles and Blu J's before they would need to warm up to take on the Eagles, who had the double header that weekend. There was no way around it with the schedule, they would be coming face to face with Gabby. It was unavoidable and so they decided they would make a day of it, regardless of the potential for discomfort. They both dropped their kit bags beside the bleachers and strode up the steps to the top, taking a seat in the top right corner.

Melissa remained in her own personal headspace with music blaring in her ears and Kelly surveyed the field. The Eagles were fielding and her eyes automatically searched for Gabby, who she found standing at first base. She nudged Melissa and pointed her out, although she suspected Melissa had already located exactly where her ex was playing and wasn't surprised when she heard nothing more than a non committal noise come from her wife.

Kelly sighed, not so much in disappointment, as she was familiar with the way Melissa chose to shut out the world by focusing on a different happy place. It was more the feeling that there was so much more they needed to conquer as both individuals and together before they could find the more consistent, genuine happiness they had once shared together. She thought about the brief kiss they had shared the night before and how different it had felt, it was almost hopeful. There was no commitment yet, but she had a sense that if things kept going as they were and she remained patient and supportive their relationship would flourish.

The sound of aluminium striking leather forcefully drew her mind from her thoughts as several people clapped and cheered. A young player from the Blu J's had hit the ball deep and was making a mad dash around the bases. She made it over home plate before the eventual throw came in and it was apparent that it was either the first time or a rare occurrence for the hitter, with the way her team rallied around her excitedly. Kelly smiled and clapped politely, remembering what it was like when she hit her first home run in high school. There was a certain level of excitement the first time that could only really be met with a walk off score in subsequent at-bats, unless you were someone like Melissa who found so much joy every base she rounded.

Melissa had taken the whole scene in, all the while P!nk was blasting in her ears. She recognised the kid, despite it having been a few years. The last time she had actually seen Leah Cooper was when she had been umpiring the under sixteens games, and Leah was running around out there as an eleven year old. She'd had spunk then and a sassy mouth, which Melissa had found hilarious, nevermind the dirty looks whenever she called a third strike on her. She couldn't have been more than fourteen years old, but she was out there playing with the adults and that spoke a great deal about her ability.

She pulled her headset down around her neck and turned back to Kelly. "That's the first of many."

Kelly grinned cheekily, "It's alive."

"Ha, ha." Melissa shook her head a little at Kelly's antics, "Yeah, I know. I just, I dunno." She sighed heavily, it was impossible to escape the past. "It's just not easy being here today."

Kelly reached out and squeezed Melisssa's hand comfortingly. "I get it. It's your go to, but the sun is shining and we're going to get back out there this afternoon. Together."

Melissa managed half a smile at that thought. Even she had to admit she was looking forward to that. It was a new adventure they were going to be undertaking. She had always been an outfielder due to her ability to cross vast amounts of field quickly, with a strong arm to match, but she would be stepping behind the plate to catch for the first time since high school. "Just keep 'em out of the dirt Carter," Melissa said, doing her best to imitate their coach from Chicago.

Kelly chuckled at Melissa's terrible attempt at an American accent. "Just be sure to limber up properly, your knees are going to scream at you if you don't."

Melissa looked up to the sky for a moment remembering all too well the toll catching took on Gabby's knees. It wasn't any wonder her ex was parked at first base for the first game. "I'm more concerned about catching the damn rockets you fire."

"Yeah I've been thinking about that. I'm not sure it would be fair to fastpitch in a local competition. I ought to take some heat off."

"Oh God, you're gonna make me catch curves and rise balls, aren't you?"

"Don't worry, I'll work the plate, you'll only need to catch those once in a while." Kelly reassured, knowing that while Melissa was the one person capable and confident enough to take her pitches, that it was still a new role causing some anxiety. "I'll look after you."

Melissa squeezed back the hand that was still wrapped around her own, appreciating the reassurance. Her eyes wandered to the diamond just as Gabby struck the ball deep and cleared the bases. "I really hope…"

"Yes Ma, I know, we will, of course. Look, I gotta go, we're here. Okay, okay, Love you too Ma." Jane's distinctly Italian-American voice carried loudly enough to stop Melissa's thought mid sentence. Jane's eyes met hers in that moment and with an exaggerated point at her mobile phone she said, "Ma said to say hi and to just do your best, you'll be great!"

Melissa looked past Jane and couldn't see Maura anywhere. Looking back at her friend as she squeezed in next to them she said, "What are you doing here and where's your better half?"

Jane pointed down the fence line closer to the Eagles dugout, "Maura is down there, camping out for an opportunity to bail up… oh yup, looks like they're already talking."

Melissa and Kelly's eyes both followed Jane's hand to where Maura was engaged in conversation with Gabby through the cage of the dugout down the third base line. "They haven't been talking?" Melissa asked.

Jane shook her head just a little, "Nope. I dunno what's gotten into that woman, but she's basically a stranger to the both of us now."

Melissa's brows furrowed as she returned her gaze to her ex who seemed to be in the midst of an uncomfortable conversation with Maura. It made her uneasy to think that Gabby was shutting everyone out like that and she hoped it wasn't because of her. Sharing a friendship circle was difficult, but not impossible to navigate, especially since she and Gabby naturally gravitated towards different people in the circle. "She's probably just brooding," she eventually said, realising both Kelly and Jane were looking at her expectantly, as if she were the Gabby whisperer. "Anyway, how's everyone back home?"

"They're doing good. Frankie's going for detective, Tommy by some miracle is staying out of trouble, and Ma, is well, Ma." Jane answered, her eyes dropping briefly to the linked hands before looking up inquisitively, "What about you two, how are things going here?"

There was a surprising intensity to Jane's gaze that left Melissa feeling unsettled. She gripped Kelly's hand tighter and said, "Kel has been a great support and," she turned to meet her wife's eyes as she continued, "I've realised exactly where I belong."

Kelly swallowed down a sudden rush of emotion caused by Melissa's surprisingly bold declaration in front of Jane. She smiled appreciatively and looked past Melissa towards Jane, "We're taking it slow."

Jane nodded slowly, mulling over what she had heard before settling on feeling okay about it. Pretty much every concern she had about Kelly pursuing Melissa had been put to bed in the last two weeks by the way she had gone about it, by not really actually doing it. From all accounts of her brief conversations with both women over the timeframe Kelly had simply been a good friend, focusing on supporting Melissa's needs. "Well I'm glad to hear it and excited to watch you two out there playing today."

"As I understand it, you're not too bad a softballer yourself Jane. Ever consider joining a team here?" Melissa asked before going on to needle, "Although from what I hear there'd be a few people who'd love to watch Maura play."

Jane's chin dropped to her chest as she muttered a few choice curse words under her breath. Just thinking about the overtly sexual leers Maura had received wearing her skintight aerodynamic outfit that one time she had agreed to let her fiancée play for the BPD team, riled her up. "Nope. Nosireebob. Not happening. I'm just a fan, and so is Maura."

"I heard she actually hit pretty well, it might have been a home run if it weren't for that body that dropped onto the field." Kelly snickered, joining in on the fun. She was the fourth in the line for that story to have been passed along. It started with Maura herself quite innocently passing it on to Gabby who passed it onto Melissa who had shared it with her. It was quite the chain, and clearly Jane was not impressed.

"It was a lucky hit," Jane countered, her pride still a little wounded from how well a complete novice of the game had hit the ball.

"It was science, Jane." Maura said, surprising everyone with her appearance at the foot of the bleachers. "I could absolutely repeat the performance."

Melissa leaned into Kelly to stifle her laughter and Kelly bit her own lip and looked towards the diamond to avoid looking at Jane, who looked absolutely mortified that their conversation was overheard. "Oof," Kelly said, as a pitch hit the dirt and skipped past the Eagles catcher who tripped over themselves and landed awkwardly trying to retrieve it. "That had to hurt."

Maura looked out at the diamond and after seeing the way the catcher hobbled into the dugout she diagnosed, "I can't be sure without doing an examination, but that does look like a high ankle sprain. So I would agree with your assumption, that would have hurt."

Melissa was drawn to the injury because it meant that Gabby was likely to put on the catcher's gear. She wasn't wrong. Their eyes locked when Gabby looked up into the bleachers after putting on the gear, apparently looking for someone else, but finding her ex instead. It was just the briefest of moments, but it left Melissa feeling chilled. She looked at her watch and decided it was close enough to warm-up time to make an escape. She nudged Kelly and said, "We should head to the back field for warm-ups. Jane, Maura, nice seeing you both."

Jane said her goodbyes and watched them walk away before smiling at Maura who made herself comfortable in the spot Melissa had vacated. "So how'd Gabby react to seeing you here?"

"I honestly think she would have preferred I had been here stalking her to make her talk to me." Maura answered.

Jane looked at Maura pointedly, "I mean technically, isn't that the whole point?"

"Well yes Jane, but she doesn't know that, does she? I told her we were here to support Melissa, and her face fell. I don't think she was aware that Melissa was returning to play." Maura really didn't understand Jane, it was her devious plan in the first place.

"Ahh," Jane said, mulling over the information shared. "See, I told you. Better than the L Word."

Maura gently smacked Jane's shoulder and shook her head. "These are our friends you're talking about, Jane. Our exes for that matter."

Jane fell silent for several long moments, a terrible realisation dawning on her. "Oh God, we're a part of the L Word Launceston, aren't we?"

Maura chuckled, lightly touching Jane's knee and leaning into her side. "Yes my Darling," she whispered conspiratorially, "I believe we are."


Gabby winced just watching Crystal attempt to climb to her feet. She could tell it was a nasty sprain, thankfully nobody was on base so she was able to jog over to help the catcher up and onto the bench in the dugout. She helped Crystal out of the leg guards and after a brief look from the coach she strapped the guards to her own legs and put on the chestguard Crystal handed her. She quickly took her catcher's mitt from her kitbag and put away her regular glove. She grabbed the mask from Crystal on her way back out to the diamond.

Stepping out onto the clay Gabbly glanced up into the bleachers looking for Maura, but before she found her best friend she saw Kelly and Melissa holding hands and then locked eyes with Melissa. She swallowed thickly, it was the first time she had seen her since the breakup and it sent a ripple of anger pulsating through her body. She snapped her head away, pulled the mask on and took up position behind the plate. She had a game to worry about. She would have plenty of time during the next game to stew on her failed relationship.

Gabby managed to coast through the latter part of the game without any issues. After the game was over and she had finished having a quick chat with her coach she wanted to take five minutes to talk with Maura and Jane, but found herself being bailed up by a nervous, fidgeting Leah Cooper. "Hey kid, what's up?"

Leah Cooper was lean and lanky for her age. She had curly brown hair that reached her shoulders and her brown eyes shifted about anxiously. "I saw Missy was here. I was just, um, wondering, if you thought it would be okay if I were to, um, talk to her?"

Gabby had to count to ten in her head in an attempt to remain calm. The last thing she wanted was anyone to be asking her a thing about what Melissa might think, because she clearly had no idea in that department anymore. She couldn't exactly announce that publicly, as the last thing she wanted was for her private life to be anything but private in this instance, plus she could see that the teen was already nervous enough as it was. She sighed heavily and said, "Guess that depends what you wanna talk about."

Leah looked around nervously, shifting on her feet uncomfortably. "Just stuff. Nothin' about what happened over there."

Gabby's eyes narrowed, it wasn't surprising that the kid had an idea of what had happened, it had been a major news story in Tasmania because of the local connection. "Don't bother her with trivial stuff kid," she warned before adding, "But if it's something important then yeah I think she'd be up for that. Just make it quick, next game is in twenty five minutes."

"Thanks Gabby," Leah said before hurrying away to where the Saints were warming up.

"Yeah, no problem." Gabby said to the air she left behind. With a shake of the head she made her way to the bleachers and navigated up to where her friends were sitting. "Hey," she offered, too emotionally spent to display much enthusiasm.

"What was that about?" Jane asked, nodding her head in the direction the young Blu J's player had run off.

"Oh, Leah was just asking if I thought Missy would be willing to talk to her. She seemed really anxious so I told her as long as it was important." Gabby noticed Jane's eyebrows shoot up, clearly concerned, so she elaborated further, "Before all of this," she motioned between the three of them, "Before all of our entanglements, Missy used to mentor kids, and she always had time for the youngsters here. I just thought maybe since she's back that it couldn't hurt."

Jane sensed the sarcastic comment coming from Maura and put a stop to it with a quick squeeze of her fiancée's knee. She shot a quick look Maura's way before turning back to Gabby and saying, "I think finding some normalcy could be good for her, good call."

Gabby shrugged disinterestedly, it was more for the kid than for Melissa. "I guess." She shifted on her feet uncomfortably, having chosen not to sit given she would have to head back to the diamond shortly. "So… they've reconnected romantically, then?"

Jane and Maura shared a quick look, which only made Gabby more certain of her belief. Jane winced a little, hating that it had all come to this. She most certainly wasn't going to repeat what Melissa had said earlier. "There's been some… progress there, I think."

Gabby clenched her jaw and nodded slowly a couple of times, just allowing the words to sink in. "Well, good for her then."

Maura felt for Gabby at that moment. She could see the hurt in her friend's eyes and recognised the thought of Melissa and Kelly rekindling their romance would have left a bitter taste in her best friend's mouth and Maura felt a twinge of guilt for her role in it all. "What about you? How are you doing?"

It was a simple question, but for Gabby the answer felt very complicated. On one hand, when she was with Alexis she felt like she was floating on air. She felt great. On the other hand, when she was alone, especially at night, she felt bereft. She ran the gamut of emotion and she didn't really know which was her actual reality. She suspected that the stuff with Alexis was a nice salve, but she wasn't really choosing to process and move on from her grief when she was caught up in those moments. "Honestly? It's been rough, but I've been keeping busy."

"Ah yes, your promotion. How was the first week on the job?" Maura asked.

"Dull." Gabby said with a scratch of her arm and a slight head turn towards the diamond, "Look I need to get back down there to prepare for the next game. Can we talk more later?"

Maura nodded almost imperceptibly and agreed, "Of course. Have a good game."

Gabby glanced between Jane and Maura, before taking a moment to really look at Maura. She recognised the tell tale signs of some insecurity showing in her friend's eyes and she wanted to kick herself. She had been so wrapped up in wanting to keep her good thing to herself she had failed to consider how her disappearing act may affect Maura. She looked to reassure, "After the game, okay? We can all go out for a drink or a bite to eat and talk."

Maura smiled and Jane reached out to pat Gabby gently on the shoulder, saying, "Sounds good. Go get 'em, Tiger."

Gabby managed half a smile before quickly navigating back down the bleachers and over to the Eagles dugout.

"Well, she took all that better than I thought she would." Jane said, looking over at Maura.

"I don't know about that, Jane." Maura remained concerned, "She can be very good at hiding her feelings."

"Well I'm sure that you'll have a better understanding of where she's at after you talk to her later."


Kelly threw a ball over to Melissa and pointed towards the clubhouse behind her wife, "Looks like you've got a fan."

Melissa caught the ball and tossed it back before turning to see what Kelly was talking about. She furrowed her brow in thought, "Gimme a minute, yeah?"

"Sure."

Melissa jogged over to the backside of the clubhouse where Leah stood alone, fidgeting with her necklace. "Hey Leah, what's up?"

Leah flashed an awkward smile and said, "Hi. I was wondering if maybe, like I dunno, after the game we could talk or something?"

"Does your Mum know you're talkin' to me?" Melissa asked, conscious of the fact Leah's mother was not a fan of hers. She wasn't really a fan of any of the lesbian or bi-sexual women in the association, but she seemed to have a real bone to pick with her every chance she got. So Melissa was wary of giving the woman any fodder to work with.

Leah shook her head. "That's kinda what I wanted to talk about. She says some nasty stuff and…" Leah's voice trailed out as she had second thoughts about what she was going to say. "It doesn't matter."

"Are you sure?" Melissa sure wasn't, in fact she was fairly certain that whatever Leah wanted to talk about must have been very important. She could tell simply from the nervousness the teen was exhibiting. That said, she had a game to play and a lot on her plate. She didn't have time to push the subject, she would simply just be open to talking when Leah was ready.

"I'm good." Leah said, kicking at the concrete. Looking up hopefully she added, "If it's not a bother, do you think I could get you to sign something for me?"

Melissa was surprised. She hadn't really thought much of anyone actually wanting her autograph, aside from a few of the diehard Chicago fans. For someone from her hometown to want it felt surprisingly uplifting. "I can do you one better," she said, turning her body so that she could point over at Kelly. "Would you like to meet a real Olympian?"

Leah fidgeted with her necklace a bit more. "Um, no, that's okay. Thanks though."

Melissa studied Leah for a long minute and then shrugged. "Okay, well wait here then. I'll be right back."

She jogged over to her kitbag and pulled out one of the balls she had managed to hold onto from her time in Chicago. She then dug around a bit until she found a felt tip pen she used to write on the masking tape she'd put around her drink bottles. She signed her name on the ball and quickly returned to Leah, handing it over she said, "There you go Kiddo, that's one of my practice balls from Chicago. You can talk to me anytime you like, okay?"

Leah accepted the ball and took a moment to look it over, tracing beneath the autograph with her fingertips before offering a grateful smile. "Thanks Missy." She then turned and ran off.

Melissa let out a long sigh. She wasn't sure what was up with the young teen, she just hoped it wasn't anything too serious. She returned to Kelly and said, "I guess she just wanted my autograph."

Kelly grinned, "I'm not surprised. I imagine to the youngsters around here you're a superstar."

It was an interesting thought that she really hadn't ever considered. It wasn't like softball was some hugely popular global sport like soccer or basketball, she simply played for the love of the game and a desire to be the best she could at it. The idea that kids might look up to her for making it to the pros in the US had never been anywhere in the realm of possibilities in her mind. She felt more like a circus act with the looks people that recognised her from the news gave her, but never like some kind of role model. She grimaced and shook her head sadly, "I honestly hope not. My life is not one to emulate."

Kelly wrapped an arm around Melissa's shoulder and huddled in closer, "I dunno Missy, there are aspects we'd never wish on anyone else, but the fact is you overcame serious mental health battles to reach the pinnacle of the sport you love. It was the World Championships, Missy. You made one of the hardest teams to make. You proved your detractors wrong. That's something any young kid should aspire to emulate."

Melissa leaned into Kelly's body for the comfort it offered. A warmth bloomed in her chest from the way her wife looked to bring her back into the light, rather than let her descend further into the darkness that had loomed up suddenly in her mind. "That's really kind of you to say."

"It's the truth," Kelly said firmly, shifting her body so that she was face to face with Melissa. She grasped both her shoulders and looked directly into her eyes, "You have no idea how proud I am of what you've done, because I'm not kidding around when I tell you that you are an inspiration. You're not just a survivor Missy, you're a thriver and the sooner you remember that, the sooner you'll be living your best life again."

Melissa could tell from the intensity in Kelly's eyes that she was serious and she couldn't remember the last time anyone had spoken to her like that, especially not since she had been home. Hell, she wouldn't even call what she had been doing surviving, she didn't think there was an appropriate single word to describe it. She had been drowning, lost in a sea of nightmares and heartache. She had literally gotten her life together and then pulled it apart piece by piece, allowing the trauma of Chicago to drag her down into the depths of a Hell of her own choosing. She was letting it win, because she hated who she had become before that random night of Hell had even taken place.

As Melissa stood there staring into earnest, loving eyes she realised that she had been punishing herself for her own actions and the what ifs that haunted her, because Kelly had refused to. She needed a moment to breathe, she could feel multiple emotions threatening to overwhelm her. "Oh God," she muttered as she stepped past Kelly, almost stumbling as her legs felt weak from all of it. She broke out into a light jog, which quickly turned into a sprint as she made a mad dash for the locker room in the clubhouse. If she was going to meltdown, it wasn't going to be in public.

The concerned voices of teammates who had apparently noticed Melissa's sudden departure faded into irrelevance in Kelly's mind as she stood for a moment processing the emotions she had seen flash across Melissa's face before she had taken off. It was as if things were finally clicking into place, only the world was ending too. "Fuck," she muttered under her breath, taking off at a sprint in an attempt to catch up to her wife.

Kelly pushed the door of the locker room open and stepped inside. It was rarely used, so they were alone. Melissa was pacing back and forth at the end of the room, shaking her head repeatedly while muttering to herself. "Talk to me Missy, what's goin' on?"

Melissa stopped pacing and turned to look at Kelly, the concern on her wife's face was clear and while she understood it and knew she would get all the comfort she could ask for from the woman she just wasn't ready for that. A lightning bolt of realisation had hit her and it had left her feeling restless and unsettled. She was on the verge of melting down and refused to do it in front of her wife. "I need a minute. Please, just give me that."

Kelly was in two minds. She could see the way Melissa's body bristled at her presence and it hurt, but there was clearly something unravelling in her wife's mind and so she knew it wasn't strictly her presence causing it. She wanted to respect her wishes, but she really didn't want to leave her alone to face whatever it was that was threatening to bring her undone. Had she erred in pushing her out of her comfort zone too soon? She didn't know, and the mere possibility it was her fault was a driving force in her desire to help. She took a few steps forward and spoke softly, "I can see that something's hitting you hard right now. I just want to help."

"Christ, you're so fucking stubborn sometimes." Melissa growled, turning to continue pacing, her agitation only growing.

Kelly crossed the space left between them and attempted to wrap Melissa up in a calming hug but quickly found herself pushed away. Her wife's complete change in disposition from a mere few minutes prior was concerning. While she knew that Melissa's mood could change like the weather, this storm had appeared out of nowhere on a sunny day. "Please," she almost begged, "Tell me how I can help you."

Melissa looked up directly into Kelly's eyes, boring a hole right into her soul. "If you wanna help me, go get Jane."

"I… right, okay." Kelly didn't know what to say to that. It felt like a giant kick to the guts. She backtracked slowly, her heart clenching in her chest. It always came back to Jane. "If that's what you need."

All Melissa needed was a moment to breathe and she hated the look that had briefly crossed her wife's face. She knew her request must have hurt, but it wasn't her intention. She had things she needed to process and they simply were not things that could be best processed in Kelly's presence. "Please," she uttered quietly.

Kelly disappeared from whence she came without another word, allowing Melissa time to ruminate on her realisation. All it did was work her into a state of absolute agitation. So much so that the moment Jane appeared several minutes later she was ready to fight. "You," she roared, her finger pointing directly at a startled Jane. "You did this."

"Um," Jane wasn't sure what exactly she had done, she most certainly hadn't expected to walk into that reception. "What exactly did I do?"

"You and your stupid puppy dog eyes and strong, firm, fuckin' comforting arms." Melissa continued her rant, paying little mind to the perplexed look on Jane's face. "You just had to open my damn heart up didn't you? You just had to walk right in and make yourself at home there. Fuck you for that, Jane. Fuck you."

Jane couldn't help but check to her left and right to see if there was another Jane she wasn't privy to standing beside her, but alas there wasn't. She looked back at Melissa, wide eyed and a little hurt. She had no idea where all of this was coming from, she just knew that clearly something had been triggered within her friend and she was unravelling in front of her. "I'm sorry," she offered, unsure what else to say.

"Sorry, she's alway sorry," Melissa muttered with a dismissive wave of her hand. She turned and started pacing again, muttering indecipherable thoughts under her breath.

Jane wasn't sure what to do. It was apparent that some stuff from their past was coming home to roost, but she didn't understand why now or why at all. Melissa had been the one to leave her. Melissa had been the one to choose Gabby. "You left me, remember." Jane said in the hopes of prompting some level of dialogue that made more sense than incoherent rambling.

Melissa stopped pacing and turned slowly, her face a mess of tears. "Because I was in love with you, Jane."

That admission mentally floored Jane, not to mention twisted her gut painfully. Was Kelly right after all? Was Melissa running off to Chicago all about her in the first place? Was Gabby just a carefully placed mental trick holding her friend together? "Missy," she spoke softly, her heart aching from the damage she had caused. "I didn't realise, I thought… I thought you just realised Gabby was where you belonged."

"I thought so too, but I was so wrong Jane. I knew it wasn't me. I knew you didn't love me like you loved Maura. Then you were there and Gabby showed up making bold declarations and she was clearly hurt and you were hurting too and Christ, I was hurting so much as well and then you were on her so fast. I realised that it wasn't goin' to work. You were a fuckin' mess and it was my fault."

"No," Jane said firmly, taking one step closer to her friend. "It wasn't your fault. You brought me light at the darkest point of my life, Missy. I was broken, yes, but it wasn't because of you."

"Clearly it wasn't enough light." Melissa hadn't meant to sound bitter, but her heart felt like it had a brand new gaping wound, despite the fact it was an old wound that had healed a great deal during her time in Chicago. "So fuck you Jane, for making me fall in love with you."

The old Jane pre-therapy would have probably absolutely lit into Melissa for that, but the new one had the self awareness to recognise she felt hurt for a reason and lashing out in retaliation wouldn't get them anywhere. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

Jane's calmness only served to frustrate Melissa. She wanted, even felt like she needed to have it out, no emotions left on the table, just full on complete raw honesty and she wasn't sure she'd get it from a calm Jane. She stepped forward and poked Jane in the sternum, "You didn't even look back. Was what we shared so damn meaningless to you, huh?"

"Don't," Jane warned well and truly aware what Melissa was doing. She was poking the beast, trying to goad her into fighting and she wasn't going to do that. "This isn't about me and you know it. This is about you and how you chose to deal with your feelings."

"Of course it's about you," Melissa spat angrily. "You could have left well enough alone. You said yourself it was a bad idea, but still you jumped right in anyway."

The last thing Jane wanted was to send her friend, who was clearly walking a mental tightrope, tumbling down. It wasn't easy standing there looking into eyes filled with such visceral rage directed at her, but she recognised it was the reckoning they should have had two and a half years earlier. "Of course I jumped in it with you Missy. I don't regret that. I'll never regret that. Was it smart? Clearly not, but I never set out to hurt you. Things happened beyond my control and I didn't handle it well at all, but I did the best I could with what I was working with at the time."

"Maura happened." Melissa spat spitefully, despite knowing deep down she couldn't blame either of Jane and Maura for their feelings for one another. They had been there simmering away under the surface long before she had met either of them, but it didn't change how much it hurt.

"Yes, she did." Jane stated firmly, but calmly, understanding all too well how fucking unfair it all was in hindsight, with the knowledge she now had. "Long before we even happened, and you know that."

Melissa sighed, the fight leaving her body. She stepped back from Jane and closed her eyes. She sucked in several deep breaths and said, "It's all connected. I walked away from you to protect my heart and proceeded to shred Gabby's heart to pieces in the wake of it, and that's on me. I don't understand why I did that. I spent six years in purgatory waiting for her to forgive me and when she finally does, I know it's not her anymore, but somehow I convinced myself it was." Melissa looked away from Jane, the intensity of her feelings nearly overwhelming her, finally after recomposing herself she looked back and continued, "I'm not afraid to be alone, Jane. I spent six years completely alone. There was never another woman in my bed between the two of you. Not even a date. Sure I liked to flirt a little, but there was never any follow through. Until it mattered most apparently."

Jane was at a loss, she knew that Melissa needed to get these things out, but there wasn't a thing she could do and it sucked. All she wanted was to take Melissa's pain away and she couldn't. She was realising that she didn't have that power anymore, her love for Maura had tainted things between them in ways she hadn't even understood. All the help she thought she had been providing in recent weeks, may have only been making things worse and that was a very sobering thought. All she could do was watch on helplessly as Melissa finished unravelling.

"Now as soon as I get overwhelmed I just want to fall into bed with someone, anyone. This is not fuckin' me." Melissa shook her head, her entire body was vibrating with the anger coursing through her veins. "I cheated on Kelly because one day I looked up at her and realised I was in love and my immediate visceral reaction was to tear it down and blow it up."

Jane's heart clenched a little hearing those words, she chalked it up to feeling responsible for some of the emotional damage that left her friend running from love. The detective in her however, suddenly understood what the entire tirade was about and it most certainly wasn't about blaming her for her actions in the past. It was about the here and now. It was about trying to understand a visceral reaction so as not to repeat it. "Oh, you really meant it earlier when you said Kelly was where you belonged?"

"Yes… no… it was a bit of bravado." Melissa attempted to explain, "Because every fucking time you look at me like you did in that moment, I'm right back there a broken mess being pulled into your arms and held like I'm the only one. I was never the only one. You were more than up front about that, but still somehow I talked myself into believing it. I don't want to be flashing back to that feeling, Jane. Not anymore. Not now."

Kelly had warned her. Oh, had Kelly warned her. Jane sucked in a deep breath before slowly exhaling as long as possible. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to look at you like that. I just care about you, Missy. You know that."

Melissa sighed, she wasn't trying to make Jane feel guilty, or to worry that she had unresolved, lingering feelings, because that wasn't at all what she was trying to say. "I know you do Jane, and it's not like I'm still in love with you, it's really not. I just…. In my entire life, I've never felt as safe as I did in your arms and that's something I'm just not entitled to anymore, and I get it, but it sucks. It really fuckin' sucks especially when I'm tryin' to figure out where Kelly and I stand."

"She's in love with you," Jane answered dumbly.

Melissa managed a sad laugh, "No Jane. My own feelings, the ones I had before that night. The ones that set me on this God forsaken course I'm on."

"But you've already figured that out too. That's why you're pissed with me right now." Jane said with a knowing look on her face.

"Well yeah, I was getting to that. It hit me right before she fetched you. I was starting to spiral and Kel just looked at me and shone a light into the dark and it was like I was right back there in the kitchen staring at her goofy, apple pie smooshed face…" Melissa shot a look, in response to Jane's curious eyebrow raise, that indicated she wasn't elaborating on the apple pie story. "I'm so fucking in love with her, Jane and all I want to do is run."

"Don't," Jane said firmly. "You deserve to be happy, Missy. Second chances don't always come along and you've got one. Don't lose yourself in a past you can't change." Unable to stand how lost Melissa looked she opened up her arms, giving her friend the option to be held if she needed it. Because she'd be damned if she ever took that option away from her friend when she really needed it. When Melissa walked into her arms, she wrapped herself tightly around her, gently kissed the top of her head and whispered a truth she felt Melissa deserved to know. "I wouldn't be who I am without you. Every single moment with you is meaningful to me."

It was a watershed moment and while romance was long in their past, Jane was still by her side when she needed someone most. Melissa would always love her for that and with her head resting against her friend's shoulder she said as much, "I love you, Jane."

Jane placed one more gentle kiss against the top of Melissa's head and sighed sadly, she understood the words for what they were. It was the same love she held for her friend. Jane often wondered if things would have been different if she hadn't slipped up with Maura and had been able to stay by Melissa's side. Now she felt certain that if it weren't for her love for Maura, the second dearest person in her life would never have had to endure what happened in Chicago. She didn't know how she was supposed to live with that. As a result Jane clung a little harder to Melissa and shared the sentiment, "I love you too."


Thanks everyone for reading, appreciate you all. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I have but one question, they didn't really F around, but are they about to find out? Tell me your thoughts, I'd love to hear them!