Chapter Eighteen
It had been quite jarring looking beyond Gabby to see Melissa standing there, waiting on her like nobody else mattered. Alexis had felt her heart sink, but she was determined not to give either of them any satisfaction. Kissing Gabby was meant to be her parting shot. It was meant to be the end of it. She wasn't going to be playing second fiddle to that woman ever again. She knew the signs. She had lived it once before. She refused to do it again.
What Alexis hadn't bargained on was the fact Gabby had actually followed her, had even allowed herself to plead to her. That simply wasn't something Gabby did. It weakened her defences. The earnestness in Gabby's eyes and the fierceness with which she kissed her the second time, left her reconsidering her decision to walk away. The way Gabby had wrapped herself around her body tightly and quietly admitted she didn't want to spend the night without her, brought all the walls around her carefully guarded heart tumbling down.
For Gabby to choose to be so vulnerable with her, it was a big deal. It was something she rarely saw and that included the two weeks Gabby had been nursing a broken heart. Even as a teen the only vulnerability she saw in Gabby was when she would withdraw completely. It wasn't an open vulnerability, but it was all the obstinate teen version of Gabby would allow. So there was a certain level of hope unlocked by the adult version of the woman opening up to her the way she had. It may have only been for a few moments, but it was everything. It gave her the strength to give Gabby the benefit of the doubt. It allowed her to warmly encourage the woman to find her closure, even though there was still a scarred part of her heart that worried about history repeating. She was risking it all, knowing all too well she couldn't handle losing Gabby to Melissa for a second time, but she had to. She had to trust Gabby. She chose to. She chose to believe that this time would be different.
Even knowing and feeling all that she did, Alexis couldn't stop the tears as she drove home. She wept from understanding that yes she was in love with Gabby, the woman she had left alone with a woman who seemed to have an ungodly hold over her. She wasn't just loving a memory. She loved the woman that stoic, obstinate teen had grown into. It would obliterate her soul to lose her again. She chose to trust Gabby, but she remained terrified she had erred in her judgement. She just hoped that her love would repay her faith.
Alexis mixed herself a martini and settled into a wicker chair on the upstairs balcony built above the garage, overlooking the street. She looked out over the city below, soaking in the beauty of the lights shining brighter as darkness wrapped its tendrils around the city. She swirled the olive around the glass, allowing it to distract her from the ache in her chest. Waiting for Gabby was excruciatingly painful. Hope really could be a double edged sword.
Thankfully for Alexis she didn't have to wait long. She was surprised by how soon Gabby was showing up. She felt buoyed, perhaps it was an error to feel so confident, but she did. She waited for her love to pull up outside her home before making her way downstairs to open the front door. She found herself having to fight back doubts that were springing up in her mind the longer Gabby just sat out in her Triton. What was taking her so long? She resisted the temptation to walk out to the utility vehicle, instead standing her ground. She would wait.
She stopped waiting once Gabby exited her vehicle and started walking up the path, because she saw how stricken the woman looked. It was reminiscent of the day they had jumped back into whatever this was. It wasn't an official relationship, not yet, there was a lot of grief to be processed before it could be. Gabby had to heal, but aside from that, it felt very much like a relationship to her. She felt very committed to the woman walking straight into her arms, wrapping her arms so firmly around her back. "Sssh," Alexis murmured, pressing several tender kisses along Gabby's jaw, "I'm right here."
Alexis closed her eyes the moment Gabby's lips found hers. There was an intensity, an urgency, that sent a shockwave of tingles down her spine. She tasted tears and slowly guided them back towards the house, stopping every fourth step or so to make sure she didn't lose her balance as Gabby refused to break the kiss. She hadn't felt anything like this before. It had her reeling. She felt her back bump into the doorframe. She stepped sideways, prying her lips away long enough to suck in air, precious air, before being engulfed again. Gabby's momentum drove them through the doorway into the wall behind it.
"What… God, what's… what's gotten into you?" Alexis moaned against Gabby's lips, her body thrumming with arousal. She hadn't expected this at all.
The smouldering look in Gabby's eyes when she stepped away to close the front door before taking her hand caused Alexis' breathing to hitch. She followed willingly as Gabby led her to the bedroom. Somewhat surprised the woman had been able to pry herself away from accosting her lips long enough to do so. She still wanted to know what was going on. "Gabby, love, talk to me."
Fresh tears glistened in Gabby's eyes as she simply shook her head and leaned in to capture Alexis' lips once more. Alexis' entire body was ready to go, she gripped Gabby by the shirt and threw them both down onto the bed, she ached to touch and be touched, but she needed to be sure. She took a moment to study the emerald green eyes staring back at her and what she saw left her shaken.
There were so many emotions swirling behind those eyes, but none of them felt right. There was obvious arousal, but there was confusion and heartache too. It left Alexis feeling very uncomfortable. She felt like she was about to be used again and that was the equivalent of pouring ice cold water on the fire of her arousal. She was done. She rolled to the side and sat up, ignoring Gabby's attempts to re-initiate. She shook her head. They weren't making an ounce of progress. "I can't."
"Alex, please."
Alexis felt Gabby's hands around her middle, while lips gently pressed against her neck. A quick sideways glance confirmed that Gabby was on her knees behind her, apparently desperate to keep things moving. She wasn't having any of it. "Tell me you're not thinking about her."
Gabby's silence was deafening.
"Tell me it's not her you want to be touching right now."
Alexis knew she sounded desperate, because she felt it. There had hardly been time for anything to have happened between Gabby and Melissa, but clearly whatever had happened was enough to cause Gabby to come back raring ready to go. It was unreasonable to expect Gabby to have immediately just stopped loving and being attracted to Melissa. She didn't expect that. She did expect to be respected though, and no matter how emotionally charged Gabby was, she wasn't accepting being a body to be used while the woman she loved imagined she was fucking someone else. That was so ridiculously disrespectful, she couldn't fathom it. She felt sick to her stomach just hoping Gabby would tell her she was wrong.
The silence stretched on.
"Just leave," Alexis uttered quietly, her chest lurching with a brand new ache. She felt the bed shift, Gabby's absence left her feeling empty inside. She studied the carpet, afraid to even make eye contact with the woman just in case she was unable to control her temper and she said something she couldn't take back. She wasn't ready to lose Gabby over this. She understood the woman was hurting, but there were lines she wouldn't cross.
Alexis saw the shadow at her feet. She felt Gabby take both of her hands in her own and finally she lifted her eyes to see Gabby kneeling before her, her face covered in tears. She hated seeing her so heartbroken, but there wasn't a thing she could do about it.
"It's not what you think." Gabby's voice sounded weary and strained.
"Then explain it to me."
"There was a moment where I stood wrapped up in her arms. I could feel her breath on my neck as she apologised over and over again for no longer being in love with me." Gabby hesitated.
Alexis squeezed her hand supportively. She was nervous, but this was the closest Gabby had come to opening up about her feelings since the day they reconnected. She wanted the woman to begin healing, so she followed up by softening her eyes. "Please continue."
Gabby nodded, apparently fortified by Alexis' softer attitude. "I won't lie to you Alex, at that moment… my whole body ached for her. I wanted her badly, it would have been so easy to turn my head and meet her lips..."
Alexis suddenly felt like it was difficult to breathe. The walls felt like they were closing in. Not again. She couldn't handle it again. She tried to pull her hands away, but felt Gabby grip them tighter, forcing her to make eye contact.
"I didn't, Alex. I couldn't. It didn't matter how much I wanted to, because I just couldn't do that to you. I couldn't do that to us. For the first time in my damn life, I said no to my deepest desires when it comes to that woman. God, Alex, I don't even know if any of this is coming out right. I just… I need you to understand that you matter to me. What happens with us… matters to me."
"Gabby…" Alexis wasn't sure if she intended affection or a warning, because her heart was jumping for joy, while her brain was hesitant and uncertain.
"I don't need to fuck you and pretend it's her I'm touching, Alex. I have no doubt I could get that from her quite easily, regardless of what she feels for Kelly, or anyone. She's that broken right now."
If Gabby's eyes and voice weren't both so soft, Alexis may have reacted a lot differently. The arrogance was astounding, but then again, the very same history that left her terrified of Gabby leaving was the exact same history that could easily see Melissa fall right back into Gabby's arms. So as arrogant as it had first sounded, Alexis realised it was simply meant as a mere statement of fact. "I'm genuinely thankful that you aren't the kind of woman who would take advantage of someone so broken like that."
Gabby's smile was weary, but soft. "I guess, I'm just trying to tell you that yeah, okay you should be a little pissed off at me because yeah, she got things started… but you were wrong to think I would ever try to fuck you because I wanted to be fucking someone else. That's not who I am."
Alexis had to look away after hearing that, because she felt ashamed of her reaction. She hadn't even given Gabby a chance to defend herself really. She had taken the silence to mean the worst, rather than just accepting there was a lot going on in her head. She felt tears pool in her eyes as Gabby's hand gently brought her face back around so they could lock eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered tremulously.
"Don't," Gabby said softly, taking her time to just gaze into Alexis' eyes. Alexis wasn't sure what she was searching for, but it caused her to shift uncomfortably and try once again, unsuccessfully, to pull her hands away.
"Christ, I did a real number on you, didn't I?"
"I don't… what?"
Gabby simply shook her head as if whatever she was trying to say didn't matter. "All the way here I was thinking about what happened before Missy left. I was thinking about the strength you gave me. That's why I sat out there so long, Alex. Wave after wave of grief was hitting me because I'm finally ready to let go. I'm ready to move on."
Alexis prided herself on her intelligence, but at that moment she just felt dumb. Her brain short circuited. She was fairly certain she understood what Gabby was saying, but she never really, truly thought this day would come. So she rather dumbly asked, "What are you saying?"
Gabby rose to her feet and pulled Alexis with her. Their hands remained entwined between their bodies. "I don't care about tomorrow, I've given up on yesterday. Here and now is all that matters, right here with you is where I'll stay."
Alexis' eyes narrowed, those words felt so familiar.
A sly grin spread across Gabby's face as she continued, "Everything in this world, every voice in the night, every little thing of beauty, comes shining through in your eyes, and all that is you becomes part of me too, 'cause all that you do, seduces me."
Alexis shook her head and gently shoved Gabby away. She couldn't stop the smile that turned into a chuckle. "Oh my God, woman. You were so obsessed with that album."
Gabby swept Alexis up in her arms and dipped her like they were out on the dance floor, before lifting her back up and asking a question with her eyes. Alexis sighed, a little frazzled, but in a good way. The nostalgia was rushing through her blood. Hanging out as a pair of sixteen year olds, Gabby playing the Celine Dion Falling Into You album and dancing around the room, singing along, completely out of her mind, until Seduces Me comes on. The spark of electricity she felt when their eyes locked and Gabby took her by the hand, serenading her. They had been quite casually dating for a couple of months, but Gabby was ready for more. She was ready for commitment and even at sixteen, looking into those eyes, Alexis knew she would follow Gabby wherever she went. That was the night she knew she was in love.
"Well I mean it was either that or Savage Garden." Gabby's smile was radiant, it even reached her eyes and for that Alexis felt joyous. She leaned in and kissed Gabby tenderly, one hand bracing against Gabby's waist while the other gripped the back of her head. Loving Gabby was just too damn easy.
Gabby wasn't the only one that knew that Celine Dion album by heart. Alexis had listened to it a lot at sixteen because of Gabby's obsession. It was more than that though. When the nights were long and hard over the years and she needed some comfort, she would run a hot bath, add some salts and play that album. She would soak, running extra hot water when necessary, until she had listened to the entire thing. It was a bittersweet thing to do, but thinking of sixteen year old Gabby always brought her a sense of peace.
Pulling away from the rather intense kiss, Alexis brought her lips to rest next to Gabby's ear and sang really low, "You can sleep in my arms, you don't have to explain. When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name."
Alexis was almost crushed by the intensity of the hug. Gabby wrapped her up so tightly and pressed multiple brief kisses against her mouth, before finally bringing their foreheads together. Alexis was grateful for the respite it gave her from Gabby's iron grip, as she'd had no choice but to relax her hold to get the position she wanted.
"Hey, hey," Alexis whispered softly, feeling a tear bounce onto her cheek. She hadn't been trying to get too serious. She meant every word she had crooned, but it was meant to be a good thing. She didn't understand why Gabby was crying. "Love, what's wrong?"
Gabby remained silent for a few moments before quietly whispering, "It's all coming back to me now…"
Alexis shoved Gabby away again and playfully swatted her shoulder, absolutely impressed by the effort to deflect. "You are ridiculous. Now seriously, Gabrielle, what's wrong?"
"Hey it was right there, I had to take it." Gabby's smile wasn't as broad as it had been earlier. It was apparent she was trying to put on a brave face. "It also happens to be true. Just so many memories. I loved you so damn much, Alex."
Alexis smiled. "I know."
"I'm sorry I walked away from us."
"Hey, hey, no, no. Don't do that. Don't think about it that way. You're here now. That's what matters to me. Here and now."
"It matters to me too."
Alexis pulled Gabby closer and searched her eyes. She smiled warmly. "I see that."
"So like, do ya want to be my girlfriend?"
Alexis didn't know if Gabby meant to, but she sent her right back to that night of dancing and serenading by quoting herself verbatim. She didn't look near as awkward as she had when they were teens, but Alexis couldn't help herself. She had to seal the deal just as she had done seventeen years ago. "Of course, you big dork."
"You know," Gabby said, inching away slowly, "That line might become just as iconic as 'You're a wanker number nine'."
Alexis lunged at Gabby in an attempt to swat, but missed. Her girlfriend had been wise to back away. The movie the quote was from had been released long after they had broken up, but Alexis had been witness on numerous occasions to Gabby's penchant for randomly yelling that during the Launceston lesbian scene's social get togethers. "I swear to God, Gabrielle. If you start randomly yelling that in public like you did…"
Gabby silenced her with a kiss, and if she were completely honest, Alexis didn't mind one bit.
There was only one word that could aptly describe how Melissa felt watching Alexis and Gabby kiss. It most certainly wasn't relief, or happiness. No she hadn't felt an inkling of anything magnanimous at all. She was jealous, plain and simple. She knew it was childish to feel that way. She didn't want to be the spoiled child who no longer wanted to play with her toy, but refused to let anyone else play with it either. Despite having that power if she so chose.
There was a reason Gabby hadn't come close to settling down with anyone in all the years they were just friends. Because no one could ever measure up and that was despite her own very obvious flaws. Melissa knew it and in the past it had been what comforted her on the lonely nights hoping tomorrow would bring a forgiving Gabby to her door. Now, it was just a power she could wield if she chose to and there was a small part of her that wanted to, because yeah, when it came to Gabby she was a spoiled brat. It was cold. It was callous. She didn't want to stoop that low even though she never thought Alexis was good enough for Gabby.
Melissa always felt like she had rescued Gabby from an unhappy relationship, but after watching the woman she had given more than a decade of her life to, run after Alexis when she made a hurried exit, she started to question her own belief system. You always think you're the hero in your own story, its human nature. Melissa started to wonder if maybe she had been the villain in Gabby's. She had wooed her away from a reasonably loving long term relationship, which only suffered a few minor points of dissension and then proceeded to stomp all over her heart in the worst of ways. It had been a decade of heartache because of her. Melissa was no hero. She wasn't even the hero in her own story. She was the villain.
Melissa didn't want to be the villain in either of their stories anymore. She had loved… still loved Gabby deeply. It was a different kind of love now, but it was real. As easy as it was to keep the woman holding on, hoping, it was selfish. Melissa had to let her go, which was a lot easier to do knowing that Alexis was lurking in the background waiting to pick up the pieces. It was the right thing to do.
Of course life rarely goes as planned, which Melissa found out the hard way. Standing in that room face to face, yearning to take Gabby into her arms and comfort her, it was a lot harder to do the right thing. She hadn't even meant to get tangled up holding Gabby. Her body had simply reacted autonomically and before she knew it she was crying and murmuring apologies into the crook of a neck that felt like it had been made for her. She had moved on and still her heart felt like it was breaking all over again. She ached. She yearned. She honestly couldn't tell if it was just the fact her body remembered Gabby's touch and responded, or if it was all the crap her head had been dealing with for the past six months. If Gabby turned her head slightly and found her lips with her own, she'd have been helpless to resist. It was worse than that though, she hoped for it. She craved it. She'd wanted Gabby to give in to her base needs and claim her again.
Gabby hadn't done that. She'd found a resolve that Melissa had lost a long time ago and begged her to take all hope away. They had separated, she wiped the tears that had fallen down her face and then she flipped a switch she didn't think she'd ever use on Gabby. She detached. Just like she would with all the women she had bedded in an attempt to push down her grief and memories. It really had been the most basic physical transaction with those women, and there she was staring at Gabby, treating her like a mere transaction. That felt wrong looking back, but at the time, at the time it felt like it was the only thing she could do. It was the only way she could play the hero in one of their stories. It was what Gabby needed to let go, to move on, to be free. To love again.
Gabby had earned her freedom. She had earned the right to find a more peaceful love. So Melissa hit her with the truth of her love for Kelly. It looked like it might have done the trick. She hoped it did, but she knew only time would tell, quite honestly for the both of them. Because when Gabby showed her heart of gold by giving up the majority of the week with her dog because she had tried to ask for some time with him… she knew they might not ever be truly done. They could try, oh they could try and they would, but only time would tell if they'd ever succeed.
Of course with her new found desire to stop playing the villain in her own story, Melissa wondered what on earth she was supposed to do with Kelly. She loved that woman, without a shadow of doubt and yet she still contemplated cheating. It had been easy to justify in her mind because they hadn't officially declared their coupledom… but they had declared their love. It was something her body was conveniently ignoring while craving Gabby's touch. Gabby had inadvertently played the hero, just like she pretty much always did and given her a chance to start her own relationship with a clean slate. If only it was as easy as that. Her heart knew what her mind and body tried to justify and the guilt was eating her alive. Was she just a walking time bomb of stupidity? She sure felt like she was.
Melissa cast her eyes across the room where Charlie was sniffing his brand new dog bed and turning in circles looking for just the right place to sit. It had been the last favour she had done, taking him early for the week so Gabby could spend the rest of the weekend focused on Alexis. Of course it hadn't been said in so many words, but the meaning behind the request was understood.
She had stopped at K-Mart on the way home, as while it wasn't the best place for home security improvements, it did just fine in the pet accessory department. The absolute normalcy of shopping for Charlie had been a much needed mental break, she had ended up going a little overboard. Well, a lot overboard, actually. The squeaky chew toy was definitely a bad idea, but Charlie had taken to it and she didn't have the heart to take it away. She hoped he'd destroy it soon enough and kill the squeak. She bought enough good quality dog food to survive an apocalypse, at least that's what Kelly had indicated when she saw what was in the boot of the car.
Her wife had greeted her at the carport, a little surprised to see the dog but happy about it, only to be given the job of unloading the boot, which she good naturedly complained about but did anyway. Melissa sighed, her eyes moving from Charlie to Kelly as she walked into the bedroom, dusting off her hands to signal the job was done. Melissa didn't know what to say, because her heart was pissed off, and her mind was struggling to find a justification for what had almost happened before her mouth did something all of her would regret.
Kelly sat down next to Melissa on the bed, mirroring her position with both feet planted on the floor. Melissa's smile was half hearted and she knew it, worse than that Kelly apparently knew it too.
"What's going on Missy? Did something happen?"
"Nothing happened."
"Then what's wrong? Are you worried about the Hoyt connection?" Kelly's hand reached out for Melissa's but only found the bedding beneath them because Melissa had pulled hers away. She looked down and then back up, hurt obvious in her eyes.
"Don't comfort me," Melissa snapped, instantly regretting her tone. She wasn't trying to punish Kelly, far from it. She just didn't think she deserved any comfort and she most certainly didn't think Kelly would want to comfort her if she knew the truth.
Kelly recoiled, causing an even larger pang of regret to shoot through Melissa's body. She dropped her eyes and closed them. She massaged her temples. She could feel a headache coming on. Taking in a deep breath she said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap like that."
"Talk to me, Missy." There was a trace of desperation in Kelly's tone and it only served to tighten the vice around Melissa's heart.
Who was she serving by spilling the beans about her desires? She was only assuaging the guilt she felt. She didn't do a thing, so why on earth did she want to self-destruct her relationship before it even had a chance to get off the ground? Kelly would never trust her again, if she even did at this point. Melissa sighed and quietly uttered, "You deserve better than me."
Melissa felt Kelly's hand on her shoulder and it encouraged her to make eye contact when her wife spoke. "Did something happen with Gabby?"
"No."
"Then explain it to me. I don't understand where all this is coming from."
The tenderness in Kelly's voice and touch was too much. Melissa couldn't contain her guilt. She blurted, "But I wanted it to. I wanted to fuck her."
Melissa was surprised when Kelly's hand didn't even flinch. It kept gently rubbing her shoulder in the encouraging supportive manner it had been. The only way she knew she'd hurt Kelly with her admittance was from a flash in her eyes, but her wife had otherwise schooled her features. They remained calm. Melissa wasn't sure she was even going to say anything. Why would she? She was probably already planning how fast she could get out of town. She couldn't blame her wife. There was something seriously wrong with her.
"So what?" Kelly's question surprised Melissa. She hadn't seen that coming.
"You're not exactly calm at the moment Missy. I highly doubt you'd have been truly calm with her either. You've been under so much stress and after what Jane had to say today? I'd have only been surprised if you told me you wanted to fuck Maura."
Kelly's delivery had been so calm, cool and collected that Melissa stared at her dumbfounded, with a trace of amusement. She felt guilty for feeling amused, but there was no woman on the earth she could imagine wanting to fuck less than Maura. Sure Maura was a gorgeous woman, and sure she herself had a reputation for fucking anything with a pulse these days, but even she couldn't wrap her head around being intimate with a woman who had known both of her current exes on a biblical level. That was fifty shades of fucked up.
Kelly squeezed Melissa's shoulder. "The last thing you need to be doing is beating yourself up over something you thought you wanted to do. Until you do it, it's just a thought. You can't expect to be miraculously healed of all your unhealthy coping mechanisms after three therapy sessions, Missy."
"I saw the hurt in your eyes. Why are you being so understanding?"
"Of course it hurts. You're my wife, Missy. The last thing I want to be hearing about is you wanting to fuck your ex, but babe, let's be real for a second yeah? You've spent the last few months automatically reaching out for sexual intimacy the moment things get tough in your head. Gabby left you a couple of weeks ago, it doesn't matter how you feel about me in this scenario. That hurt is still goin' to cut you deep."
It was apparent that Kelly had a good grasp on her behaviour, which meant Kelly had been listening every time she'd talked about what she had been doing. Not that she ever thought she hadn't been, it was just nice to realise her wife took her mental health seriously and didn't automatically judge her for her actions. "I haven't been with anyone in almost three weeks."
Kelly let out a long sigh and squeezed Melissa's shoulder again. "Which tells me you're trying. You're taking your desire to get healthy seriously. I can respect that."
"I don't want there to be secrets between us, Kelly. I know it was selfish to mention feeling that way… that I was just trying to assuage my guilt, but I only have that guilt because I meant it when I told you I'm in love with you." Melissa wiped several tears away from her eyes. Her heart was aching, despite the calmness with which Kelly was approaching the situation. She was reacting in a way that was the polar opposite to the reactions she would have anticipated if she'd told Gabby or even Jane that she had deadset wanted to fuck an ex. Melissa wasn't sure what to do with that. Did it mean Kelly was already checked out? Or was she simply built differently?
Kelly looked at her for a long time without saying anything in return, and it only served to make Melissa feel more nervous about the situation. It was hard to read her eyes because there were a myriad of emotions flashing through them. Kelly's hand kept rubbing her shoulder gently, it was surprisingly grounding. She didn't feel quite as lost when she closed her eyes and focused on that sensation.
Finally, Kelly made a move. She stood and held out her hand, which Melissa willingly took and allowed herself to be pulled up alongside her wife. She searched her wife's eyes, trying to discern what was happening. The woman still hadn't said a word. "Kelly…"
"Let's take a walk."
Melissa was absolutely puzzled, but that feeling quickly made way for amusement when Charlie went flying past them, having springboarded off the bed in obvious excitement. She returned her gaze to Kelly who appeared slightly thrown by the dog's exuberance. She couldn't stop from smiling when she said, "You said the w-a-l-k word and he heard you."
Kelly appeared to think about it for a second before shrugging her shoulders and saying, "He can come too."
There was a strange energy emanating from her wife, but Melissa decided to focus on the positives from their conversation and if Kelly wasn't going to turn it into a big deal, then neither would she. She'd discuss it with her therapist at their next session and try to understand it more then. In the meantime she was just going to embrace the here and now. Melissa chuckled on the way out of the room, with Charlie right beside her, bouncing excitedly. "You act like you have a choice, it's cute."
Melissa pulled the packaging away from the leash she had bought, clipped it to Charlie's collar and the pair waited for Kelly on the front porch. Melissa had no idea what was taking her wife so long, she figured she was getting over the realisation that a dog now controlled her life. It really was cute that Kelly thought she had any say in the matter once she said 'walk' outloud. Charlie would be insufferable if he didn't get his reward for knowing exactly what was being said. It was much easier to just give in and take him for the walk he was expecting.
When Kelly finally joined them, the trio hit the streets. Melissa wrapped one arm around her wife's waist, pulling her close. Her other hand held on for dear life while Charlie investigated a whole new range of smells. She pulled on the leash to remind him to calm down and take his time, so that she could take her time and enjoy her wife's arm around her shoulder as they followed him.
After a few minutes Kelly said, "I could really get used to this."
Melissa simply hummed her approval. She was too busy soaking in how wonderful it felt to be walking down the street with the woman she loved, while Charlie did his best to randomly attempt to pull her arm out of its socket when he got the whiff of an exciting new smell. It was surreal and not even close to how she had envisioned the rest of her life beginning, but it felt like they were on the precipice of true happiness and that was astounding. There was a lot of work to do, especially by her, but it felt like the building blocks were in place. She felt like she was where she belonged.
Kelly nudged them towards the park and Melissa quickly encouraged Charlie to change course, which he happily did.
Kelly squeezed her shoulder and said, "I know it wasn't easy for you to say what you did earlier. I just want you to know that I appreciate you choosing honesty."
They had a way between them that was tactile and truthful and it was something she needed in a relationship. There was an intensity between them too, she flashed back to their first kiss and how even then she'd known she needed Kelly. A little emotion caught in her throat when she finally responded. "For all I've done to you, to us, lying was never one of those things. You've been there for my best and my worst. Deceiving you is not something I'd ever want to do."
Kelly pulled up. Naturally Melissa followed and turned to face her wife, worried by the unexpected stop. Kelly reached out and tucked some hair behind her ear, smiling sadly. "I'm sorry that I let my head run away with stupid theories that left me feeling like I couldn't trust you. You actually deserve better than that."
Melissa wasn't sure where this was coming from, because reality painted a different picture. She had been a terrible girlfriend near the end and had quite literally abandoned Kelly in Chicago out of fear and an unwillingness to trust what her own heart was telling her. She couldn't blame her wife for a second for having trust issues. "Kelly, honey, I cheated on you multiple times. I abandoned you after you quite literally saved my life, so you'll have to excuse me when I call bullshit on your apology. You don't owe me one. I owe you a lifetime's worth."
"I like the sound of that." Kelly responded softly, her eyes locking with inquisitive blue ones.
Melissa half smiled, understanding what Kelly was referring to. She felt Charlie tug on the lead and she turned to see him eager to chase a possum that was running up a tree. "Charlie, no!"
After he reluctantly walked back to her side and sat, waiting for them to get moving again, Melissa turned back to find Kelly down on one knee, silhouetted by the moon. Her heart thumped in her chest as Kelly's hands opened a small felt box, which housed a simple gold band with three embedded gems. She'd need a closer look but she was fairly certain that it was a diamond flanked by their birthstones. Her eyes snapped towards Kelly's. She knew what this was. What woman wouldn't? But why now? And they were already technically married. "Um Kelly…"
"Let me speak, please."
Kelly appeared so hopeful that Melissa chose to ignore the logic screaming in her brain and nodded her approval for her wife to continue.
"I've known since the first moment I laid eyes on you that you were special. Then you showed me just how amazing you were on the diamond and I knew I was right. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that even though you didn't quite have me at hello, you had me when you single handedly dragged Tasmania to the national title."
Melissa was a little stunned. She also had to laugh, because trust Kelly to fall for a woman just because she could hit a ball hard and sky high for catches. Not that she was complaining, far from it, she was thankful that was one of the many reasons her wife had fallen for her. It was almost fitting really. It was kismet. "Only you," she whispered, unable to resist voicing her amusement.
Kelly smiled and soldiered on. "And I know that we have well and truly gone about this all wrong, but I don't care. I wouldn't change our journey. I wouldn't even change tonight. Because when I look into your eyes, I see my present and my future. Neither of us are perfect Missy, and I don't imagine we ever will be, but we're real. What we have is real."
Melissa never imagined this was on the cards for her future. They were already married in a formal little ceremony at the local courthouse, with one of their coaches as a witness. It was all about the green card and she just figured as their relationship continued to grow they would just settle in one day, married for real. They practically already had been before her mind had melted down when she realised that was exactly what she wanted. She didn't think she would get some romantic proposal, which despite the apparent spur of the moment nature, this was. Kelly opening up and speaking from the heart was hitting her with magical, wonderful feelings. Her eyes glistened as she continued to listen to what Kelly had to say.
"The moment you called me a few weeks ago, this moment in time was set. I was done watching you walk out of my life. I was done watching you hurt yourself. I knew I had to step up. I knew I had to swing for the fences. I am irrevocably in love with you, Missy. I am in this with you, for all of it. Every single victory. Every single setback. You're it, for me. You always will be. Please allow me the honour of truly being your wife?"
"Oh Kelly…" Melissa didn't know what to say. She knew she wanted and had to say yes of course, but she felt that her wife deserved more than a simple yes. She was lost for words. She was too busy feeling seen. Snapping out of it she switched the hand that held the leash. Her hand shook from her nerves, she nodded slowly and extended her shaking left hand to accept the ring Kelly wanted to give her. Recognising Kelly's need for a verbal response before moving she managed to spit out, "You hit it out of the park."
Kelly stood up and stilled Melissa's shaking hand with her own. She took a moment to kiss each of the knuckles on the hand before gently sliding the ring on. It fit perfectly. She looked into Melissa's eyes and smiled broadly. The smile was erased by Melissa's lips as she immediately took an opportunity to seal the deal with a passionate kiss.
Charlie's annoyed bark at the standing around caused Melissa to laugh and bury her face against Kelly's shoulder. She had to give the dog credit, he had shown enough patience to handle the proposal. "This dog runs our lives now, I hope you're aware of that."
Kelly laughed and pressed a kiss against Melissa's temple. "The key word being 'our', so I'm quite alright with that babe. Quite alright."
Melissa nodded thoughtfully as they started moving again to appease the eager German Shepherd. "So does this mean I get a fancy ceremony this time?"
Kelly laughed and squeezed Melissa's far shoulder while bringing her lips to rest against her near shoulder. "Yes, we will. I wouldn't have it any other way."
Melissa smiled and for the first time in a long time the smile felt like it reached her soul. She was happy. She was ecstatic even. The joy was so intense it actually drowned out all her fears, sadness and doubts. Was this what love was actually supposed to feel like? Kelly had proven to be the salve her soul needed and she intended to spend the rest of her life proving herself worthy of the unconditional love Kelly provided. "This time, I'm gonna take your name."
It was apparent with the way Kelly walked a little taller and puffed out her chest, that Melissa had pleased her wife. She liked that. She rolled her future name around in her head, trying it on for size. Melissa Carter. It sounded perfect.
"I could always take yours."
"Kelly Sanderson does have a certain ring to it." Melissa thought about all the possibilities, all of which they hadn't bothered with back in Chicago, chalking it up to their independent natures. "Mrs and Mrs Carter-Sanderson? Mrs and Mrs Sanderson-Carter?"
"Which name do you want to have?"
One look at Kelly and Melissa knew, just as she did months ago, standing in the kitchen staring at her wife's apple pie smooshed face, that she yearned to be a Carter. It was ridiculously heterosexual of her, but she didn't care. She wanted to be claimed by Kelly, to belong to her. She wanted everyone to know how much she loved her wife and she couldn't think of a better way to do that than by taking her name. "Carter."
Jane couldn't sleep. The seconds ticked by at a glacial pace. Her only comfort was her fiancée tucked into her side with an arm flung haphazardly across her chest. It only took Jane a few minutes of rubbing rhythmic circles against Maura's back to ease her fiancée into the land of slumber. Usually on a rough night doing exactly what she had done would work for them both, but she found herself haunted by the spectre of Hoyt. She didn't know if she had anything left to give the fight. If his plan was to haunt her long after his death, he was succeeding.
Jane closed her eyes. All she could see floating across the back of her eyelids was Hoyt's face as he leered down from his position straddling her with a scalpel to her neck. That was the moment she realised she didn't have any fight left in her, not for that murderous bastard. She welcomed the peace his victory would bring her. She remembered closing her eyes as the blade danced along her skin, not yet breaking it, just enough to let her know that he had won. She didn't struggle. She liked to think that she recognised her time was up and didn't think the cavalry would show up. She liked to think she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of struggling to save her own life. But that wasn't true. She didn't fight, not out of some sense of stubborn pride, but because she was tired of the fight. She was tired of re-living the nightmare over and over again. She was simply done.
Just as the nightmare she was so used to almost lulled her to sleep, the sound of a gunshot ringing out forced her eyes open. Her heart rate shot through the roof and she launched upwards into a sitting position, disturbing Maura as she did so. Fuck. It was just the memory of Frost saving the day. What did it say about her current state of mind when her life being saved felt so jarring, so wrong?
"Jane?"
She felt Maura's hand on her back before she processed the inquisitive tone. Jane turned slowly, blinking several times, pushing back the darkness that had been enveloping her mind. "Just a dream. Go back to sleep Maura."
Maura rubbed Jane's back soothingly for a few moments, before using her other hand to guide Jane back down to the bed. "I'm right here with you, Jane."
Jane allowed Maura to guide her back into the comfort of their mattress and to nestle back in against her side, with an arm strewn across her chest. Returning them to the way they were before. She appreciated Maura's understanding that she was feeling jittery and on edge. She appreciated that she didn't try to push the subject either. Hoyt was her nightmare and she really didn't like to drag Maura down into it if she didn't have to. Not when she could avoid it. There was a good chance there was going to be plenty she wouldn't be able to avoid, with an apprentice out there, but until it became a right now issue, she was content living with the past alone.
Jane shared the basics of what had happened during her final encounter with Hoyt with Maura the night after Melissa's suicide attempt, but since then they had barely touched on it. Even Melissa had a deeper insight into what had gone on in her mind that near fateful day, which was precisely why Jane still couldn't wrap her head around Melissa not saying a word. It weighed heavily on her that the one person she had truly trusted with how low Hoyt had brought her had gone on to experience something much worse at the hands of an apprentice and never said a word about it. How could she do that? Why would she do that? Fucking Kelly just had to get all territorial and interfere with her chance to get an explanation.
Jane sighed, not sure which was the harder cross to bear this night. Re-living giving up at Hoyt's hands or stressing about Kelly's impact on both Melissa and her friendship with the woman. She should be happy for both of her friends, she knew that, but at the same time Kelly was like adding a wildcard to the deck. With Gabby there was a begrudging acceptance that they both shared close friendships with each other's partners and both were willing to accept it at face value, without freaking out. Kelly was just too threatened by something she needn't be. It got in the way.
Jane sighed again because she found herself wishing that Melissa and Gabby hadn't been so permanently scarred by her impact on their lives. Because then things would be okay again. Maura wouldn't be so insecure, which Jane knew she was. She didn't have to say it. It was obvious from a few out of character comments and the next level chess moves. Bringing Kelly to see Melissa was one of those moves. It had taken Jane a while to see it but she understood it now. The insecurity would have only been fueled by Kelly if she had said anything close to what she'd said to her about Melissa still being in love with her. She didn't know for sure. It was the only reason she hadn't torn Kelly a new asshole for it. If she ever got confirmation though? Kelly would sure as Hell know about it. She didn't appreciate anybody sticking their nose into her business, or messing with Maura's head either for that matter. She was protective of those she loved and while she could respect that all of Kelly's actions both real and suspected were driven by her need to both prove her love to and protect Melissa, she didn't appreciate it being done in a way that messed with her relationship.
"Jane, are you alright?"
Maura's quiet question near her ear dragged Jane from her growing agitation.
"I'm fine."
Maura leaned over and turned on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room.
"The grinding of your teeth tends to suggest otherwise."
Oh shit, she had been doing that? Ugh. Jane rolled over onto her side so that she and Maura were face to face, mirroring one another's positions. She reached out and gently tucked some hair back behind Maura's ear, allowing her hand to linger and her eyes to find the concern in hazel eyes watching her attentively. She smiled softly and allowed her hand to slide down just enough to stroke her fiancée's cheek. "Thank you for dragging me out of my thoughts. I'm okay. I promise."
Maura captured her hand there and turned into it, kissing it gently several times before allowing it to return to tenderly stroking her face. "I know that we have an understanding whereby I do not push you to talk about things until you are ready, but I'm worried about you Jane. I know you don't like to talk about Hoyt with me and I respect that. I respect your reasoning. I just don't think you should be carrying it alone right now. I don't think that's good for your mental health."
If she didn't feel so tired, Jane's eyes may have widened at the apparent deep thinking Maura had been doing while she was stewing about Kelly. Instead she found Maura's hand with her own and brought them up between their bodies, intertwining fingers for the comfort it both gave and provided. "I wasn't actually thinking about him. Although now that I think of it, his apprentice has certainly had an impact on the situation I was thinking about."
"What were you thinking about?"
Jane could tell from the way Maura paused before asking her question that she had been careful not to just blurt out the first thing that came to mind. She half expected the question or comment would have been Melissa related. They really had to put that tension to bed. She couldn't be the fiancée or the friend she needed to be to both of them while it lingered. She wasn't going to apologise for how deeply she cared for those that mattered to her, but she would try to listen and compromise where she could, if it were necessary. It definitely felt necessary when looking into Maura's eyes. The uncertainty staring back at her actually left Jane feeling sick to her stomach.
"Honestly? I was thinking about Kelly's behaviour lately. I don't like the way she's gone about things." Jane paused at that point to consider the best way to move forward. She wanted to know if her theory was correct. She wanted to know if Kelly had been putting harmful ideas into Maura's brain. She realised the only way she could really go about it was to be direct. "Did Kelly share with you her theory that Missy was still in love with me when she left for Chicago?"
The silence stretched on for a surprisingly long amount of time before Maura finally admitted, "Yes, Kelly did make that assertion."
It was just as Jane had suspected, but it turned out that part of the equation was factual. It was the whole she was 'the one' crap that irked her the most as it was clearly untrue and yet she couldn't help but circle back around to the fact the only way she was going to help Maura feel secure was to have the difficult conversation. "Well it turns out she was right about that much at least."
Maura sat straight up, twisting to make sure she was still looking at Jane. "Melissa left because she was still in love with you? Kelly was correct about that?"
Jane wasn't sure she liked the way Maura had sounded. It was a cross between surprised and disturbed. "But she's not in love with me now, Maura. I am not and have never been the love of her life."
"Excuse me?"
Jane groaned and covered her eyes with her hands. This wasn't happening. How the hell had Kelly only shared half of the theory with Maura? Now everything just looked worse than it needed to. Pulling a hand away from one eye she peered up at her fiancée who was looking down at her with tightly drawn lips and studious eyes. "She never said that to you?"
"No Jane, she did not."
"Well good, because it isn't true. Missy told me as much herself this afternoon." Somehow that sentence didn't impress Maura and Jane was grasping for a foothold in the conversation. She had no idea what was going on in her fiancée's head and that bothered her. "Could you please explain why you are so insecure about my friendship with Missy?"
Maura took a moment, apparently thinking about what she had been asked. Finally she reached down and cupped Jane's cheek, looked directly into her searching gaze and said, "There are several reasons. The driving force behind my insecurity is a belief that you didn't choose this relationship with me. It was thrust upon you. You chose Melissa, Jane. You could have chosen me, but you didn't."
"But Maura…"
"I understand Jane. I am more than aware that you were making a decision based on a very real fear of something awful happening to a person you loved."
Emotions sucked. They made life so much more vibrant and beautiful but they were so easily misled or moulded into much darker things that could leave behind a tsunami of damage you wouldn't see coming, until it was crashing down on your head. Jane felt the weight of that tsunami crashing down on her as she stared up into the now teary eyes of her fiancée. The realisation that she of all people had taken a confident, self assured woman and turned her inside out in a bad way left her feeling like she was caught in the wave.
Jane sat up and immediately asked a question with her eyes, only moving to pull Maura into her arms once she saw permission being granted staring back at her. She held Maura tightly against her chest and kissed the top of her head repeatedly. She should have known better. Through all the therapy sessions she had after they chose to pursue a relationship, she never once stopped to consider and discuss the way it had all come about from Maura's perspective. This was despite the fact she had talked about how her relationship with Melissa had simply ended without a word being said between them. She never truly dealt with how it had felt for her and she most certainly hadn't considered how it had all felt for Maura. It was a testament to her fiancée's love for her that she had taken it on the chin and made the best of a situation that had apparently caused doubts to creep in.
"I'm so sorry," Jane said, her voice trembling a little from the emotion threatening to overwhelm her. It wasn't just the way she had so conveniently failed to take into consideration her fiancée's possible feelings over the years. It was also the Hoyt situation and those flashes of grief from the end of her relationship with Melissa, which she was only just now processing. She was feeling the least emotionally stable she had felt in a solid two years.
Maura's only response was to tighten her grip around Jane's body, which didn't help matters in Jane's mind. She was walking a tightrope of emotion, attempting to focus on Maura, because she owed it to her, all the while her thoughts kept drifting to her own fears and pain. Her own jealousy. Fuck. She realised that Maura hadn't been the only one keeping things inside. There was no way she could mention the fact she felt jealous of Kelly in Melissa's life without it being taken the wrong way, but it was doing her head in. It's why she kept fixating on Kelly and her attitude. Apparently understanding she felt jealous wasn't enough to make it go away. She could keep quiet or she could be honest.
Jane sighed. Keeping quiet was only giving the jealousy more power. "I need to talk to you about some things."
Jane felt Maura stiffen against her body and it worried her, but her fiancée settled back down and mumbled unintelligibly against her chest. She sighed. It was all or nothing, she braced herself for the storm she knew was about to roll in. "All this stuff with Missy, it's been hitting me hard. I, uh… God Maura… when I was at the house with her the morning Gabby left, all the memories that flooded back, they uh…"
Maura pulled away from Jane's hold and looked worriedly at her. "Did something happen Jane?"
Maura's soft, quiet, loaded question, hit like a sword through her heart. Jane's eyes went wide and she actually felt herself pulling further away from her fiancée. She wasn't exactly talking smoothly, she knew how she was sounding, but for Maura to actually think she would ever… it cut so deep. Jane shook her head sadly. "The fact that you would even ask me that…"
"That's not an answer, Jane."
Jane stared for what felt like an hour, but wasn't even twenty seconds before she jumped out of bed and left the bedroom, shrugging off Maura's protests. She couldn't do it. With everything she was feeling, with everything she was trying to communicate, with the shadow of death looming over all of them, she couldn't… Hell she wouldn't be forced into defending her friendship with Melissa yet again. Being honest was turning into such a load of horseshit. There was zero point being honest if your partner didn't trust you. She had never given Maura a reason not to trust her and yet, she apparently didn't.
Hurried footsteps caught Jane's attention as she paced the second floor landing agitatedly. She turned to look at Maura who warned, "Don't you dare walk away from this conversation, Jane."
Jane's entire body bristled with an unholy energy. She glared at Maura, her chest heaving as she roared, "I did fucking choose you Maura. That ring on your finger is your damned proof of that."
Maura looked down at the engagement ring and quickly worked it off, she proceeded to press it into Jane's chest. "I think you should take this back until you can be honest with yourself, Jane."
What the Hell is that supposed to mean? Jane brought her hands up to her chest and gently took the ring that was being handed back. Her entire chest was on fire. Her legs were weak. She didn't feel like she was getting enough oxygen. What is happening? What the Hell is happening right now?
"Don't do this," Jane uttered, absolute heartbreak in her eyes. "Maura, don't do this. Not now. Don't do this."
"I'm not doing this to be cruel, Jane. I'm doing this because I love you and I value your happiness over all else."
In what world was handing back the ring, and calling off the engagement, a sign of love? In what world was this about her happiness? Jane's mind absolutely boggled. She was astounded and heartbroken. What the Hell just happened? She stared at her fiancée… if she could still call her that. Maura's eyes were as heartbroken as she felt. None of it made sense. "Maura…"
"I saw the way you fought for her, Jane. I saw the way you two immediately gravitated towards each other in the aftermath. I saw the way you looked at her during the game, despite knowing I was unsettled by the events as they had unfolded. You crossed the line with her Jane, no matter how you try to justify it."
Jane opened her mouth to speak, but found she couldn't. What the Hell could she say to any of that? Jane felt utterly distraught, desperate for an answer, an understanding, anything that could make this emotional suckerpunch make sense. There had been no warning. This was a total overreaction. It was so unlike Maura that she just couldn't make sense of it. "Looked at her like what, Maura?"
Maura however, was on a roll of her own and ignored the question as she quite calmly continued. "Your first thought after looking at the information Barry sent you was to assume it was a Hoyt apprentice and that he was targeting her because of you. You ran straight to her, Jane. Think about that for a minute. Let that sink in."
"Maura…"
Maura shook her head and waved Jane off, refusing to listen to her attempts to interject until she had finished her train of thought. "Jane, you determine there is a Hoyt apprentice in play and your immediate reaction is to run to your ex-lover. Why would your ex-lover be a target Jane? We are not talking about an event that took place within a few months of the two of you being seen together in Boston. We are talking about an event that took place more than two years beyond then. It makes no sense Jane, unless…"
"Unless what, Maura?" Jane was perplexed. Maura was completely over reacting and linking things together in ways that felt incongruous. Had she really stripped the love of her life that bare? Had she really done so much damage by failing to address the massive elephant in the room at the beginning of their relationship?
"The apprentice is as astute as Hoyt and can see things you cannot."
Jane's brain took it down a different track. She understood Maura was infuriated, she was too calm to be anything but, however she was inadvertently onto something. Not the something she was declaring, but something nonetheless. "Unless it's someone who knows me. Someone who knows who I am close to. Someone who was trying to draw me back home."
Maura's eyes went wide. She appeared to deflate, her momentum gone. Jane's moment of deduction proved to be temporarily distracting from the issue at hand. "What are you saying Jane?"
"I'm saying that if Kelly had not interrupted, Missy would be dead. You sure as Hell know I wouldn't have stood for that. I wouldn't have left it alone. I would have been forced to return home until I could catch the bastard who did that."
"A crime of opportunity to lure you home?"
"Precisely." Jane's mind was racing, trying to piece together who on earth could be responsible, because she refused to believe that Maura was right. There was no way she had spent years in a loving relationship with this woman, just for her and some psychopathic piece of shit to think she was actually in love with Melissa. "God, I need a drink."
"Jane!"
Maura's obvious concern made Jane realise she had said her last thought out loud. She shook her head, gesticulating wildly with her hands. "What do you expect right now? I just realised the evil bastard who traumatised two of my friends… who was going to kill one of them, knows me. That's on top of the fact my fiancée is in the middle of what? Leaving me right now? So forgive me Maura, for thinking I could use a damn drink!"
Aside from the obvious heartbreak in her eyes, Maura didn't appear to acknowledge what was said. She simply stood quietly. Jane had no idea what was going on in her head. She didn't think any of it could be good. They both stood watching one another. Jane's scars were aching, but she resisted the urge to rub her palms. She didn't want to break eye contact. Something had to give. Maura had to explain what the Hell was happening. Surely.
Jane watched several tears slowly trickle down Maura's face, her chest heaving under the enormity of what was happening. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Not to her. Not to them. They were stronger than this. All because she cared about a friend who happened to be an ex? A woman she might not have even thought about like that if Maura and Kelly hadn't convinced her there was something there in the first place. The power of suggestion was capable of a lot. Now those two were beating her up for the fact that she took their suggestion, ran with it and discovered that yes she had real feelings for the woman like they thought. Even though that was complete history. What the Hell? Did they think because they were right once, they were right now?
"You can't seriously think I still have feelings for Missy. Maura, tell me this is just some giant misunderstanding. Please."
"I don't know, Jane."
What kind of answer was that?
"Well don't you think that perhaps, maybe, you ought to follow the evidence…"
"I have, Jane. I just told you the many signs that things are not right with you… with us."
Jane's face screwed up incredulously. "Because of today? You're going to leave me, because I defended myself against your lunatic best friend? Because I protected my friend? Because we checked on each other after we were finally away from that no win situation?"
Jane started pacing, stopping to look at Maura periodically as she continued to rant her response. "Because that's what it was, Maura. A fucking no win situation brought on by Gabby's fucking jealousy. I knew the moment she threw the first punch that you were going to be pissed with me no matter what I did. I didn't want to fight her. She left me no damn choice! You might be okay with taking her word on everything, but I'm not. She's heartbroken right now Maura. She sees two friends comforting one another after a difficult conversation and blows it up into something it hasn't been for a long fucking time."
"Jane…"
Jane swung, her hands thrown into the air in exasperation as she roared, "No, Maura! No! I don't want to hear it. I wasn't… I didn't… Missy fucking asked me if I was worried about leaving you two alone with Gabby. I said no. I said when I tell Maura the truth she will trust me. Well, looks like I was fucking wrong."
"Jane…"
"And now she might lose the woman she loves. Because of your fucking jealous best friend. Fuck. This is ridiculous. The three of you… I just…. Wow. Fucking wow."
"I told Kelly to ask questions first. You don't know that she's going to leave."
Maura was so incredibly calm and matter-of-factual that Jane's head felt like it was about to explode. How the Hell was she standing there so calmly while their entire future crumbled before her?
"She had her bags packed, Maura." Jane roared in response. "You think it's bad right now? If anything happens to Missy because she's got nobody there capable of keeping her safe…" Jane's voice trailed out, stopping just short of voicing out loud how she just might not ever forgive Maura for allowing Gabby to fuck with Kelly's head.
"If Kelly leaves, you will be free to protect her yourself."
Jane's fists clenched. This wasn't happening. For the love of all that's holy, this couldn't be happening. "Do you hear yourself right now?"
"Do you hear yourself, Jane?" Maura's calmness had passed into her eyes now too, only infuriating Jane more, because if she didn't stay angry she would fall to pieces. Maura was detaching herself from the situation. She was refusing to feel what was happening. She was letting herself be pulled back into the dark days of before she had ever met a Rizzoli. Jane was as sure of that as she was of needing to hold onto her own anger.
"So what? I can't care about a friend now? I can't worry about someone who literally witnessed a brutal fucking murder? Who only survived by the grace of God? What the Hell am I missing here, Maura?"
"Can you stand there and tell me if Kelly leaves your immediate reaction wouldn't be to protect Missy yourself? Jane, it's pathological at this point with you. You can't help yourself. You forget your senses when she's in trouble. You are deceiving yourself if you cannot see that."
"And your answer is to leave me? To forsake our entire future?" Jane was standing now, hands on hips, energy fading fast. "I just don't understand how we went from understanding one another… you got me pizza. We both know that's your way of apologising to me. So how did we get from there, and… and… and going to sleep together, you curled up against my side… to this? To this moment of gut wrenching fuckin' agony? Because I didn't want to feed your insecurity? Nothin' fuckin' happened with Missy!"
Jane walked over to the nearest wall and slid down it, collapsing into a heap on the floor. She was spent. She had no fight left. She looked up at Maura, a completely broken woman. She looked back at the ring she had somehow managed to hold onto despite all of her wild gesticulations. It was meant to be a symbol of their love. Of her love. Now it was just a reminder of the future she watched go up in smoke. Just smoke, no fire. Maura had allowed herself to be fooled by a little smoke. She reacted like she was trying to extinguish a Californian wildfire. All she had managed was to extinguish what little fight Jane had left in her for what was to come.
The only sound between them were the rapid breaths Jane took, halfway to hyperventilation. She pulled her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms tightly around them and started to rock back and forth. She was hoping the nightmare would be over soon. Because it had to be a nightmare right? This couldn't be reality. Maura wouldn't do this to her. Maura loved her too damn much to leave her over simple misunderstandings. Right?
Maura sat down next to Jane and gently pulled her into her chest. She clung to her tightly and rocked her back and forth, continuing to soothe in the manner Jane had already subconsciously chosen. "I know you're hurting, Darling. I know you think this means I don't want to be with you, but I promise you that is far from the truth."
Jane didn't know what to believe. Her indignant anger fading had taken the wind completely out of her sails. She kept playing Maura's actions and words from the moment she woke up over and over again in her mind. There were small signs she was uncomfortable. Small signs she was thinking too much. God, what did she miss? She clung more tightly to Maura, afraid to let her go. Afraid this would be the last time she received the comfort only Maura's arms could provide.
"I wish… I'm sorry, Jane. I can't do this. I can't trust there's not something lingering between you two. I thought I could do it, but I just… I can't, Jane. I can't."
The words catching in Maura's throat painted the picture of how broken she had become and it left Jane's heart lurching even more than it had been. She just didn't see what Maura did. She was trying. She was trying so badly to see it from Maura's perspective so that she could fix it, but she couldn't.
Tears bit at Jane's cheek and her chest heaved under the pressure of her breathing, which remained shallow and rapid. "I've never cheated on you… I never would."
"Not physically," Maura whispered, twisting the proverbial sword through Jane's heart as she did so.
Jane closed her eyes, her heart sinking. It wasn't like that, was it? She wasn't having an emotional affair, was she? God, that would be so much worse from Maura's perspective. She was so liberal with sex that as hurt as she was, she could forgive if something physical happened only once. Well Jane figured she would, but maybe she was wrong about that too. It's not the physical that matters. It's emotional. It's that special bond. Oh God. She thought it was something she could end up doing. It's why she took a step back and let Kelly take over being the priority support person. It made no sense. It was just one afternoon. She was just being a good friend. "No, no, no. You're wrong. I swear to God, Maura."
"I think we need to take some time apart. I think you need to take a long hard look at how you feel. I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness Jane, no matter where it may lie."
"With you," Jane breathed out, "It lies with you."
"If you truly feel that way after some time, I will be right here waiting for you. That I can promise you Jane." Maura's voice sounded strained, it was clear to Jane that she was trying very hard to keep it together. She didn't want this either. If neither of them wanted it, why the Hell was it happening?
Jane shook her head vigorously against Maura's chest. She sobbed violently. "I need you. Please Maura, please don't do this."
Maura placed several kisses against the top of Jane's head. "I'm sorry Jane. I need time."
Jane roughly wiped at her cheeks, brushing away so much moisture from the tears that had poured down her face. It didn't matter how out of nowhere this moment had felt. It didn't matter what she wanted. What mattered was that Maura was telling her that she needed time. She heard Maura's words, she logically understood them, but emotionally she couldn't help but feel like Maura regretted saying yes. That she regretted choosing her. Jane had to wonder, would she have been happier if she'd stayed with Gabby? If she'd never accidentally spilled the beans about her feelings? God, what if she was actually bad for the love of her life?
There was still a killer out there, potentially already stalking them, waiting for an opportunity to strike. How on earth could she leave Maura alone in this house? It was the same fear she held for Melissa. Neither of them should be alone in a house, with a psychopath on the loose. Maybe Maura would be safer if she was gone. Maybe she wouldn't be a target. Jane didn't know. She couldn't be sure of anything. All she thought she had known had been turned on its head tonight. Maura's words suggested they were going on a break. Jane's heart was telling her it was a break up. This couldn't be the end.
Jane pulled away from Maura and tiredly climbed to her feet. She held out her hand, her eyes locking on to clearly stricken hazel ones. This whole thing felt wrong. She helped Maura up when she accepted her hand. They stood so close to one another, Jane felt desperate. She felt an urgency she hadn't felt before. She leaned in slowly to capture Maura's lips with her own, allowing her… whole heart, to decide if she wanted it or not. When Maura didn't pull away, Jane hesitated right before their lips met to whisper, "Give me tonight. If you still need this… distance, in the morning. I'll pack my stuff."
"I'm amenable to that," Maura whispered, her lips bridging the gap between them, her hands pulling Jane's body flush with hers.
Passion would never be their issue, which Jane found out as their tender, tentative almost reluctant kiss became more urgent, her desperation bleeding through as they moved back towards the bedroom. Her head swam with an undeniable want for the woman whose body pressed so readily against hers. A seemingly unquenchable thirst unleashed upon them both.
Desperate. Frantic. Frightened. Jane had never experienced these emotions before in her relationship with Maura. She felt like she was walking toward something so desolate and bleak with no ability to stop her forward momentum. It was like watching a black hole ripping stars from the sky above, knowing it was coming for Earth next. It was like watching a trainwreck about to happen, while she was on the train. She could see it coming. The only thing stopping agonising screams from ripping out of her chest were the lips she was frantically kissing. She urgently explored Maura's mouth, desperate to keep the words that would gut her from falling from those beautiful lips. Words that would eventually end her world. Because that's exactly what Maura was. Her world.
Jane swallowed down a sob as angelic blonde hair covered her pillow. How many more times would she ever see that? Nightwear was slowly removed and tender kisses were pressed oh so softly across skin. Jane squeezed her eyes shut against the look of perfect rapture on such a beautiful face. The whimper that left Maura's mouth concealed the whimper that left her own. The difference behind the meaning of the two was so radically different that it took her breath away.
A scream bubbled up and nearly ripped from Jane's throat as Maura's back arched and her gasps of pleasure started shredding Jane's composure. She had to keep her self control somehow. There was a very real chance this was the last time Maura would allow this type of closeness between them and Jane wasn't sure she could survive such a bleak future.
She swallowed harshly and ran her fingers through sweat drenched hair, listening as Maura's breathing eventually evened out. Her muscles were tight and sore. Her mouth was dry and her heart continued beating rapidly. She had performed as well as she could have with every touch and kiss conveying how much she needed the woman now sleeping peacefully beside her. Every tear that fell out of her unwilling eyes had screamed her choice loud and clear for Maura to see. It had to be enough. Christ, it had to be.
Jane had chosen Maura long before she had ever moved to this continent. She had loved this woman before she had ever admitted it, even to herself. The fact that Maura thought that she could choose Melissa over her was heartbreaking. Jane couldn't stop repeatedly replaying every single moment with Melissa, where Maura could have thought she was pulling away from her.
She didn't understand. She didn't understand why this was happening. She couldn't identify any recent moments where she had done or said anything to make Maura believe she would choose anyone over her.
Jane was an incredibly protective person regarding the people that she loved and cared for. She always had been. Maura knew this. Just as she knew that Jane loved Melissa and that a part of her always would, but she wasn't in love with her. There wasn't any way her fiancée… her whole world, her heart, her soul, her everything… couldn't know that. Of course Jane was protective of Melissa, but she couldn't pinpoint her actions or the reasons behind why Maura was choosing to rip her heart out of her chest.
Jane watched the shadows dance across the walls as the sun began to rise. She had long shed all her tears. The desperation of the night before had slowly melted away with the darkness. All that was left was a gut wrenching resignation that had settled in her bones. The morning sun met her tired, aching body and a cold understanding crept its way from her chest along every single nerve ending, not stopping until it reached the depths of her soul.
Jane leaned over and pressed a soft, lingering kiss against Maura's forehead. Her eyes closed as she rolled over onto her back, fresh tears, from reserves she thought had to have run dry already, painted new paths down the contours of her face. The sun was up. Maura would be too, soon. Then she'd know for sure what the ache in her chest already told her was inevitable.
Jane felt the tender touch on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and rolled her head to the side. Her dark stormy eyes locked with heartbroken hazel ones and she knew before she even heard her name tumble from those beautiful lips. She nodded slowly a couple of times, acknowledging the words her fiancée… or rather, ex-fiancée didn't need to voice. It was painted across her heartbroken features. Last night wasn't anything more than one last hurrah. A final goodbye. A memory to walk away with. Her heart clenched so tightly she thought she just might keel over and die right there. Quite fitting really, because Jane Rizzoli had no fucking clue how she was supposed to go on living in a world without Maura Isles right by her side.
A/N: So now that you have read all of that, in my absolute defence, the muse made me do it. I had a plan. Kelly and Missy refused to listen, but that came out so sweet... Jane and Maura refused to listen and well... that. Thing is though, this is a soap and between the prequel and this sequel so far, there's a lot of stuff that has been messing with the heads of these ladies and my muse decided it was time they faced it, without my permission. I'm just a mere servant that follows where my muse leads. I always end in rizzles, especially if I start with rizzles, so don't fret... just hold on, cause winter is coming. I never intended to do this, muse made it so, so now I am gonna run with it, embrace it, enjoy the shenanigans and tell a tale about the importance of communicating insecurities in positive ways, and the dangers of self fulfilling prophecies.
I get that this is a bit of an ambush, but I ambushed myself too. Was not planned to go this way, but it felt right and I follow my gut when writing. I absolutely understand if some of y'all stop reading from here. Those of you that are gonna hang in there but are unhappy, feel free to say all you want about the characters and their decisions, just please consider not abusing me for something that quite frankly I don't have to spend my time doing. I do it cause I like to tell stories, and if my angst isn't for you, just move on. Thank you all for any time you've spent reading my work though, I truly do value each and every one of you, I just can't make all of you happy all of the time.
With all of that said, I think that might have been some of my best writing ever.
How's everyone feeling after that?
