Author's Note: In the last chapter, Saria and Assef took it upon themselves to plant the knife that she had used to stab Zainab on an unsuspecting homeless man. Thrilled at the idea that someone else might take the fall for her crime, Saria discovered a new lease on life. Now some weeks have passed and the Ahmed family are preparing to host a garden party in their home... but nobody would be able to foresee what the afternoon has in store for them.
I do not own the Kite Runner or any names, characters, plot points or dialogue from it. I can only claim my own OCs - though Saria probably wouldn't care much for someone claiming to own her. xD I also do not condone any of the thoughts, feelings, language, or behaviour of the characters here.
As always, feedback and comments are more than welcome! And without further ado, please enjoy this next chapter!
Tears of frustration and pain welled up in my eyes as Tanya dragged the brush through my hair, causing a stinging sensation to form at the top of my head. I bit the inside of my cheek, knowing that it would serve me no benefit to speak up and complain about the hurt that my mother was causing me. It wasn't as if she would have cared one bit about whether or not she was harming me. After all, no pain, no gain, is what Tanya always claimed when it came to beauty treatments.
She stood behind me as I sat at my vanity desk, dressed in the brand new white blouse and grey pencil skirt that she had bought during the utterly distressing shopping trip that she had dragged me on last weekend. Her own blonde hair was tied up in a neat bun, and she had opted today to wear the expensive pearl necklace that was only ever removed from its box in her own vanity. It had been a gift from my aunt Stella in Pakistan, and Tanya only ever wore them on the most special of occasions.
Every so often, she would remove her hand from off of my hair and place her fingers against the pearls, as if worried that something might have happened to them in the seconds that they had not been touched. It was a pathetic sight, really, and one that would have made me roll my eyes were it not for the knowledge that my mother was in absolutely no mood for even the tiniest modicum of disrespect to be shown.
I supposed that I couldn't blame her for that. I myself wasn't in particularly the happiest of moods either. Ever since Mahmood and Tanya had made the announcement about the Garden Party that they would be hosting with all of their friends and business colleagues, it had been drilled into my brother and I just how important this event would be. It was the main topic of discussion at every excruciatingly long and tedious dinner that we were forced to sit for with them. The hours that Assef and I spent at home, that weren't already taken up with studies and homework, found us helping Tanya to prepare everything that she would need. I swear, it often felt as if we were preparing for a fucking wedding, with all of the time and effort that was being put into this Garden Party. Oh, how I wanted nothing more than for this entire sordid affair to be over and done with. The sooner that we could put this whole thing behind us and just move the fuck on with our lives.
"Do pass over your new headband, would you, Saria?" Tanya asked. It was an order, not a request, and I did not even deign to answer her as I merely leaned forward slightly - thankful that she had stopped brushing my hair - and picked up the red-and-white spotted headband from where it lay resting upon my vanity. It had been purchased on the same day that Tanya had bought the matching red-and-white spotted dress, with the flouncy skirt, along with the matching white gloves, laced socks and shoes. I stared at the headband for a moment, knowing how utterly ridiculous I would look once I finally put it on. But what choice did I have in the matter? At times like this, it was best for me to just acquiesce to every demand that my mother made of me, no matter how much I might have wanted to tell her just where she could stick her fucking headband, and this formal outfit that she was compelling me to wear.
Removing the price tag from off of the headband, I lifted my elbow and held it up to Tanya, who took it and placed a hand upon my shoulder. "Good girl," she complimented. How weird those words did sound, when coming from her mouth. I almost expected for her to follow it up with some condescending or snide remark, to make an unkind jest about some invisible dirt on my face, or to lecture me on how it was unbecoming of me to look her in the eyes. Just anything that would have taken away from the motherly countenance with which she had just spoken to me. However, it appeared that this was not to be the case.
Instead, Tanya merely fixed the headband into my hair, adjusting it so that it sat perfectly upon my golden tresses, before taking a step back from the chair. I knew what was coming next, and my mother did not beat around the bush, raising a finger and beckoning to me in the mirror, curling it upwards. Yep. There it was. We had moved away from 'good girl' and were now onto the second page of the 'treat your daughter like a pet dog' handbook - using physical gestures to summon obedience rather than choosing the politer alternative of, oh, I don't know, just fucking speaking to me?
But I knew that I would have no choice other than to heed her commands. I stood from my chair, stepped into the centre of my room, and took a deep breath. Placing one leg behind the other, I lowered myself into a curtsy, keeping my head up slightly so as to ensure that my headband didn't fall off, though I made up for this act of sacrilege by keeping my gaze downcast, and my lips set into a thin line. Tanya moved around me, lifting up my arms and placing them back down at my sides again, turning me from left to right. At one point, she even bent down to fix one of my socks - which was slightly higher up on my legs than the other. God forbid!
Tanya straightened up, turning me round once more. "Beautiful, Saria. You look beautiful." She smiled at me as I rose to my feet, but I knew that this gesture was not entirely meant for my benefit alone. After all, it was she who had bought the entire outfit that I was now wearing, and if anyone were to offer a compliment to me on this day for how pretty I might have looked, then it would be Tanya who could take full credit for it. Was it for this reason and not that of spending a mother-daughter afternoon together that she had taken me out shopping? Well, is there even a need for me to ask that question?
All the same, I would take whatever compliment that Tanya would offer to me. I received scarce little of them from her, after all, and would take whatever softer moments that I could gain from the woman - regardless of the true justification behind it. "Thank you, Mama," I replied, in the sweetest of tones. "Your kind words are much appreciated, and I am truly grateful to you for your help in my preparations for the day." How ironic it was that I was the one to say these things; when it should have been Tanya expressing her gratitude to me, not alone for permitting her to tug and haul at me in this fashion. To dress me up like nothing more than her pretty, porcelain doll. Not once had she or my father expressed their thanks to my brother and I for our help in preparing everything for the upcoming gathering. Then again, they probably thought that indentured servitude was to be expected of their children.
"Your father and brother are in the living room," Tanya said. A wave of sympathy flowed through me as she said those words, thinking of my poor, misfortunate Assef, forced to spend even the tiniest moment in the vicinity of Mahmood. I knew that my darling hated our father with an ardent singularity, in much the same way that I felt for our mother. To think that he had been alone with him, without his Saria there to provide him with the reassurance that his mind would need, oh, it did not bear considering. Just another reason for me to hate Tanya all the more for keeping me here for as long as she did. "Follow me down there, please, Saria. I know that your father will wish to speak to you, and I expect you to show him the respect and honour that is his due."
Oh, so you mean none at all? I thought bitterly, because let's be honest here, my dear mother, that is all of the respect that you and my father deserve. I know that you wish to think of yourself as some generous monarch, bestowing your favour upon your most lowly subjects, but we all know that you're really nothing more than an abuser, a monster dressed in pretty pearls. But I suppose that we have that in common, now, don't we? After all, your little girl's sweet nature belies the cruelty that she, too, has been known to display towards those who are granted the misfortune of being named one of her enemies. Not that you'd ever know or accept that side of me, now would you, Tanya? No, you pathetic fool, you'll only ever know the Saria that I wish to make you acquainted with.
My mother held her hand out to me. I stared at it for a moment, knowing exactly what she wanted, but also wondering just why on earth she thought I would wish for the same. Didn't she know that there was only one person in this entire goddamn household who I'd ever permit to hold my hand, and that it most certainly was not her? We stared at one another for a truly uncomfortable moment, one that felt like an eternity, before Tanya let her hand fall back to her side, allowing her palm to slap noisily against her skirt. Looking up into her eyes, I saw... disappointment? Hurt? Embarrassment? All of them? Another emotion entirely? Had she been expecting a different reaction, absurd though it clearly was for her to do so? Or was I the one who was reading too much into everything?
Whatever the case, the fleeting glimpse of emotion that Tanya displayed was gone as hastily as it arrived. "Come along, let's go downstairs," she said, not giving me a chance to respond before she turned on her heel and began making her way out into the hall and down the stairs, with yours truly following solemnly at her heels. As my hand gripped the banister and I started my descent, I turned my head to look back up at the empty hallway. I wanted nothing more than to turn around and bolt back into the relative safety of my bedroom, to lock the door, barricade it with whatever furniture that I could get my hands on, and stay in there until this fucking party was over and all of these guests had returned to their own homes.
It was only the knowledge that in doing so, I would be leaving my soulmate to face this event on his own, and it would go against the fabric of my very conscience to do so. What type of sister would I be if I allowed my precious Assef to suffer alone? It would be the height of cruelty and greed on my part to run from this and leave him to his own devices. And so, I would brave this afternoon - brave the scrutiny, the guests, the patronising compliments, all of it. For Assef and for Assef alone. Each step brings me closer to him, I reminded myself, as I followed Tanya down the stairs. He will keep me together, will keep me from losing it. So long as I'm with him, then everything is going to be alright.
Tanya and I entered the living room, where Mahmood and Assef were seated at opposite ends of the room, Assef on the couch and Mahmood on the armchair that was farthest away from him. Neither of them were speaking to one another, and I wondered if any conversation had taken place at all. Or had they just been sitting here for an inopportune moment of time, not wanting to engage in conversation. That was the thing about Mahmood, unlike Tanya, he didn't bother to waste our time with meaningless chit-chat that he knew would mean nothing. He preferred to get right to the chase, which was just what he did right now. Getting to his feet, Mahmood motioned for Tanya and I entered the room, which we did, each going to our respective love.
I walked to where my darling sat upon the sofa, taking my place beside him. Assef and Mahmood were both dressed in their finest suits - though mercifully for the two of them, they hadn't needed to go out on a tedious shopping trip in order to purchase what they needed. But that didn't mean that my other half wasn't entirely done up to the nines, his blond hair combed neatly back and a sweetly smelling cologne wafting from off of the cuffs of his sleeves. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, lifting up my hand and kissing the sliver of bare skin underneath the edge of my glove. A shiver of delight made its way through my entire body, as it always did whenever my beloved touched me. I leaned my head against his shoulder, comforted by our eternal unity.
Mahmood and Tanya stood side by side, though not nearly as close as my brother and I. A moment of uncomfortable silence covered the room, none of us wanting to be the person who spoke up first. But eventually, Mahmood took it upon himself to begin his lecture. He cleared his throat. "I am sure that I do not need to impress upon either of you that it is of the utmost importance that you both be on your very best behaviour today. Much of the Wazir-Akbhar-Khan community will be here, and all eyes shall be on our family. I want you both to remember that, and keep those words within the back of your minds during every single interaction that you have with our guests. You are representing not only yourselves, but the Ahmed family as a whole."
He stepped forward, placing a hand on the buckle of his thick leather belt, offering a pointed look between my brother and I. A silent warning for us of what would befall if we were to get out of line. Assef's grip around my shoulders tightened as he set his lips into a thin line, as if daring Mahmood to even think of using the leather against one of us. Mahmood returned my brother's stare with an equally tense one of his own, and I wondered if perhaps he might chastise my brother for this minor act of disrespect. I gripped Assef's arm with my tiny hands. He looked down at me, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear and kissed the top of my head as he rested his arms over the top of my chest and I snuggled into his embrace.
"I will not sugarcoat my words when I say that should either of you dare to put a single toe out of line, then you will suffer the consequences for it. I expect perfect behaviour, nothing more and nothing less. Do I make myself clear?" My brother and I both nodded, neither one of us saying a word. Mahmood appeared satisfied by this, however, for he turned to our mother and addressed her next. "Is everything ready outside?" he asked, referring to the decorations that my brother and I had spent the past goddamn week helping to design and set up in our back garden. Just great that Tanya was the one to take credit for that, like the bitch that she was.
She nodded. "Yes, Mahmood. Everything is prepared just as we discussed. And I'm sure that our children are more than aware of how important this day is for our entire family. I know that we can rest assured that they will both conduct themselves in the manner that is to be expected of them." At this, she cast a stern glare over my darling and I, letting us know that she and her father would be united when it came to doling out any punishments that would befall us if we were to mess up, and indeed, informing us that she would be watching us, would be keeping an eye to make sure that nothing happened to embarrass her or bring shame to our otherwise perfect family. Because, of course, that was the most important thing in the world - what other people thought.
Just as Mahmood was about to say something else, there came a knocking upon the front door. Tanya's eyes widened and she jolted like a startled animal. She hadn't been expecting anyone to be here so soon. Nor was I, to be perfectly honest. I had hoped that we might have at least another ten minutes or so of relative peace before guests arrived. Glancing up at the clock, I noted that whoever was at the front door was really goddamn punctual. Maybe they thought this was something to be proud of, but for me, they were only serving to draw me ever closer to this inconvenient afternoon.
"Get up!" Tanya exclaimed, motioning for Assef and I to rise to our feet. "Up, up, up, goddamn it, up, both of you! Mahmood, don't answer that door just yet, please, I need to check that the children are presentable." Had she not already fucking done that? Tanya looked back and forth from me to Assef, then back to me, then back to Assef again. She threw her hands up in frustration. "Oh for the love of... Assef, your tie. It's askew, how is it that you didn't notice that?!" Of course, because the entire reason that people were taking time out of their busy schedules to visit our home today was so that they might inspect whether or not my brother's tie was to a certain standard. Tanya moved forward, hands raised, as if wanting to adjust Assef's tie for herself, but he moved back, his own palms lifted up in a gesture of defence.
He ground out through his teeth as he fixed the offending item of clothing. "I've got it, Mother, there's no need to worry." The two of them stared at each other, a quiet standoff taking place before we even got around to welcoming our first guest. It took a minute that felt like an hour, but Tanya conceded defeat and heaved a great sigh. She turned away from my darling and I, and nodded to Mahmood, a signal that it was okay for him to answer the door, then beckoned for Assef and I to follow her.
I intertwined our fingers together, ensuring to offer Tanya a pointed stare as I took my brother's hand, wanting her to see. To know. To understand and feel the full weight of my earlier rejection of her. Assef's hand was trembling within my own, and I stood so near to him that I could hear every single breath that coursed its way through his chest, ragged as they escaped his lips. Being so rudely chastised by our mother, spoken down to as if he were nothing more than a petulant, spoiled child, it must have boiled my darling's blood. How I wanted nothing more than to tell Tanya just what I thought of her, to slit her throat from ear to ear with the sharp edges of the pretty little headband that rested atop my curls. To see the look in her eyes as the light drained from them.
But of course, that could never be the case, and so I would focus my attentions instead, not on the indignation that I felt towards my mother, but on the comfort of the person who needed my comforts above and beyond all others. I lifted his hand in my own, rubbing my thumb along the back of it. "I know," I told him, my voice barely above a whisper, knowing that with Tanya stood right there, we could not rely on the German language alone to afford us our privacy. "I know how angry you are, big brother. I can feel your rage. But please, don't let her get to you. We both know what the bitch is like. She searches for any reason to chastise us, please, please don't let it get to you. Please. For my sake."
Assef looked down at me, tilting my head up towards him, as Mahmood fumbled with the latch secured across the front door. He lightly rubbed his thumb along my cheek, the fire in his ethereal blue eyes dying down, being replaced with that look of unyielding love and devotion that he always showed to me. "You're right, Liebchen, you're right. I can't afford to let my anger get the better of me." He squeezed my hand again. By this time, Mahmood had managed to unlatch the door.
Game faces on, I suppose. With that, I took a deep breath, preparing myself for whoever would be on the other side. The door seemed to creak as it opened, revealing on the other side the figures of Wali and Kamal, along with their families. I wondered if they had all opted to travel here together. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary for them - both families did live close to one another. But I was unable to see where they had parked their cars, and with Tanya's beady eyes staring down at me, I knew that there was no chance that I might be able to stand on tiptoe to look for them. Besides, there was not a single iota of time to waste before my parents switched into host mode, bright smiles forming upon their faces as they beckoned the guests inside.
"Come in, come in, please, so great to see you again!" Mahmood said, holding out a hand to Wali's father, a rotund man with thinning dark hair, the bald patches of which he was trying and failing to disguise by combing it over. "It's been far too long since our families have gotten to spend any time together, now isn't it, Benyam jan?" So the obsequious behaviour has started already, now has it? I thought, watching as Mahmood stepped away from Benyam, and over to his wife, a mousy and quiet woman by the name of Kinaaz. He kissed her on both cheeks, offering kind words of greeting to her, too.
Tanya meanwhile, was offering her own simpering greetings to Kamal's parents. His father, Pazir, a suave fellow with sallow skin and an impeccable charm, lifted Tanya's hand in his and kissed the back of it. Kamal's mother, Naghma, a beautiful yet perpetually worrisome lady hovered at her son's side, her dark eyes moving back and forth between her husband and my mother. What did she think of this, I wondered? Did this happen often, that her husband openly flirted with other women? It reminded me of how Mahmood had turned on the charm whilst speaking with that receptionist at the hospital, and of how uncomfortable that had made me. And if a child could be made feel this way, then who can say what the wives of these men must think of all of this.
But there was no more time to consider these possibilities. Pazir laughed jovially. "We would not have missed this occasion for all the world, Mahmood, Tanya. Not after we have all been looking forward to it for so long." Well, at least someone had been, I guessed. Mahmood gestured for all of us to follow him. Assef shot a glance at his friends as they passed in front of us both - something which he only permitted out of sheer understanding that this was the amiable conduct that was to be expected of him - and I had to question what he might have been thinking. To see our own parents acting all saccharine and ass-kissing around the parents of the friends that he was trying so hard to maintain a level of control over. What did he feel about this? Did he worry that this might set back the work that he had done when it came to ensuring Wali and Kamal's eternal obedience?
We all followed my father into the kitchen. The table had been set with our finest tablecloth, the white one with the blue flowers, and laden with the best plates and cutlery, all of whom my mother and I had slaved for hours to wash last night. Just looking at them reminded me of how my fingers had become wrinkled from being left under the water for so long, and how Tanya had admonished me every time that she felt I missed a spot. In the centre of the table stood a jug of water, complete with ice and a lemon wedge floating within it. It was at this moment that Tanya tugged me away from my brother and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "You will ask our guests if they wish for a drink, do you understand?" she said, "it's only polite. Now go!"
Forcing a charming smile upon my face, I stepped towards the adults. "Excuse me. I do not meant to disturb you. But might I please fetch any of you a glass of water?" I asked, in the demure, subservient voice that I knew my parents would expect me to use. Upon hearing this, Naghma took a step forward and looked down at me with a simpering expression on her face.
"Aren't you an absolute, little darling?" she cooed, reaching out to place a hand upon my head. "What a beautiful and well-spoken young lady." She turned to my parents. "She must be your pride-and-joy, Mahmood, Tanya." How difficult it was for me to hold the smile upon my face as she said this. Of course, Naghma might have meant this as a compliment, but for me, it only served to bring to light the sheer disrespect that those words were showing to my brother. For if I were the apple of my parent's eyes, then where the fuck did that leave him? I almost wanted to turn and apologise to him for Naghma's words, but unfortunately, I would not be able to do so.
Mahmood smiled. "Oh, Saria is our little ray of sunshine, isn't she, Tanya?" She nodded. The words were nothing more than a lie, an attempt to make us seem like the perfect family. The doting parents and their charming, sweet daughter. If only Naghma and the rest of our guests were aware of all the pain and suffering that it took to mould us into this vision of loveliness. But I remained poised and unassuming, ready like any good servant... I mean... daughter... to fetch whatever it was that the adults expected from me.
Thankfully, at this time at least, nobody took me up on my offer to fetch them a drink. Soon enough, all of us kids had traipsed outside behind our parents, out into the garden where the party would officially begin. I had to admit, though I would never deign to admit this to her face, my mother had a keen eye for decorating. Beautiful fairy lights hung in the air, their glowing lights sparkling. Tanya had purchased several bouquets of fresh flowers, which she placed into newly acquired vases, and placed on smaller tables. Everything looked so neat and orderly, nothing out of place, just as I knew our parents expected my soulmate and I to be. Me, especially - Tanya and Mahmood would be on the lookout to ensure that their little 'ray of sunshine' conducted herself as a subservient, perfect lady.
I wanted nothing more than to spend the entire afternoon in the gentle asylum of my darling's presence, for us both to while away the hours together. Who cares about whether or not this was impolite? Who cares what the guests might think? Who cares if this could be viewed as rude? What did any of that matter? Could these people not spend their time with our parents, who actually wanted to be here, and leave my other half and I alone? But as the party got underway and more and more guests arrived, it became clear to me that I would not achieve this dream. Soon it felt as if the entire community had decided to congregate in our garden, men, women and their children all standing around, sipping from their glasses of water and nibbling on the finger food that my mother had prepared.
Tanya moved me away from my love before I had even the chance to speak but a word to him. She placed her open palm onto my back, turning me to face the crowd. "Let's go and greet some more of our guests, shall we, daughter?" As with so many of her questions, this one needed but one answer. I knew that she would not have taken anything else but a 'yes' coming from my lips and so that was what I offered to her. I turned to look at my brother, mouthing the words 'please help' in his direction. Alas, I knew with a sinking feeling within my gut that he would not be able to do so. He gave me a sympathetic look as I was lead away, wishing no doubt that he might have been able to spirit me away to some place where it might be just the two of us.
Without another word, I allowed myself to be lead away from the safety of my precious brother and over to the various crowds of people who had come to have their asses kissed, oh my sincerest apologies, I mean, to be entertained, by my parents. I curtsied to people who I did not even know, whose names I would not remember. People who I would forget about once this sordid ordeal was over, and who I knew no doubt would forget all about me, too. I shook hands with men who loomed over me, a few of which even made little 'jokes' about how short I was. But I would have been the one in the wrong if I had spoken up for myself. The one to have faced the punishment.
Women cooed and simpered over totally sweet and adorable I was, complimenting me (and by extension Tanya) on how lovely my outfit was. I was made to spin, to point my toes and twirl like a ballerina, to laugh at insulting jokes, to answer inane questions about my schoolwork, to act like nothing more or less than my mother's most prised possession; and I use that word in its most literal sense. I existed only to serve Tanya's desire for the perfect, obedient, beautiful child. But lo, did it not take everything in me to remain calm as this was going on.
One elderly lady even had the fucking audacity to pinch my cheek and speak to me in the manner that one uses whilst speaking to a newborn infant. I wish that I was joking. But no. "What an angel," she had cooed, rubbing the side of my face with her long thumbnail and beaming down at me. "And so beautiful too. You, my precious one, look like a princess in your lovely red and white little dress. That matching headband in your hair. So cute!" The old bitch reached out her hand which she placed upon the top of my head. "Did your mommy help you to pick out this outfit, Saria jan?"
"My mommy bought me this dress," I told the simpering cunt, turning to look at Tanya with the smile of a dutiful daughter. "I thank you most humbly for the compliments and your kind words, khanom jan. If there is anything that I may fetch for you, whether that be a glass of water or anything else, please, please, do not hesitate to ask. I would be happy to be of help in any way that I can."
I'd be more happy if I could tear you apart limb from fucking limb, you old bitch! I thought, as I finally managed to break away from Tanya's grip and slip back towards my big brother, who was standing in a little corner of the party, with only Wali and Kamal for company. If I could have had some gasoline and a match, I would have set this entire garden ablaze. I rubbed at my face where the old whore had pinched it, a look of sheer fury no doubt written all over my countenance as I approached my brother, who held his arms out to me. Assef wrapped his arms over my shoulders, drawing me in for an embrace. I took his hand in mine and leaned my cheek against it, looking up at him with eyes that no doubt spoke volumes of my frustration.
Assef held me close, speaking tender words to me in German. "Has our mother finally stopped parading you around, darling sister?" he asked as his lips pressed against my hair. I nodded, turning to look at him with a pleading expression. Assef cuddled me against him, his arms a beacon of shining protection. "I don't envy you, having to go through all of that. But it's finished now, Saria. I'm sure Mahmood and Tanya can find their own ways in which to entertain their guests without having to resort to showing you off like a new fucking handbag or something." There was a hint of unbridled fury in his voice as he spoke. He shook his head as if trying to clear away these furious thoughts from out of his mind. "Whatever. It doesn't matter. You can stay here with us from now on, if you'd like?"
He turned away from me, looked at Wali and Kamal. "You boys don't mind that, do you? If Saria stays with the three of us? Neither of you would have an issue with that, now would you?" His glare met both of them, each in turn, daring either one of them to say no. To tell him that they did not want me to be here. To inform my brother, their leader, their king and god, that they did not wish for the precious, beloved sister who held the fabrics of his whole heart and soul, to be with them. To send me off into my own devices, back to the crowd of people who would coo over and humiliate me. I knew, indeed, that neither one of them would not speak up against either me or Assef.
Wali responded with nothing more than a grunt and a nod, but Kamal fixed me with a cordial smile. "Of course, Assef," he said obediently, though he was looking down at me. "Saria is always welcome to stay here." That was one of the reasons why I liked Kamal - liked him far more than Wali, though I had never admitted this out loud; not even to my brother. He seemed to actually like me as a person, and not just because he had to out of terror of my brother. It was a subtle distinction, but one that held a great deal of weight for me.
"Good," Assef praised. "Good. Very good." He smiled down at me, and I answered with a grin of my own. All of the worries, the shame, the embarrassment, they all washed away, disappearing like the ephemeral mist. It mattered not that I had been paraded around to all of the guests. It mattered not that I had been forced to endure nothing more than the utmost humiliation. Nothing mattered but the here and now, safe in the arms of my other half, in the ocean of warmth, safety and comfort that was his embrace. To speak the truth, Wali and Kamal might as well have not been here. Nobody in the world mattered but my brother and I. Assef looked down at me, clearly he was thinking the exact same thing that I was.
I don't know how long our moment of respite lasted. The three of us hung out there, in that secret part of the garden, chatting amongst ourselves. Assef dominated most of the conversation, though he would ask for my opinions on topics whenever the need arose. But I was happy to just let him talk, to hear his words and bask in the glory of his divine and beautiful presence. We moved to sit on one of the many chairs that had been set out for the guests - though nobody else appeared to be using them. Oh, how I could have stayed in this moment forever. Alas, the bliss faded away as quickly as it came - with the sight of Tanya making her way across the garden, her hand waving above her head, calling my name.
She stalked towards me, and my stomach churned. What the fuck did she want now? Had I not given enough? Had I not spent enough of my time, wasted enough of my honour being dragged about? Could I not just be left alone? For what reason did I deserve to be treated in this way? Tanya reached us before I had even the chance to think of an escape. Stooping down in front of me, she placed both of her hands on either side of my knees, effectively trapping me where I sat. I could sense Wali and Kamal looking at each other, but neither one said a word. Tanya was beaming up at me as if she were about to divulge a great secret. "Saria jan, there you are," she simpered, "I've been looking everywhere for you." I opened my mouth to apologise for having made her do so, but she merely shook her head and brushed it off, which I had not been expecting. She continued on. "One of your little school friends is here, darling. Isn't that so nice? Why don't you come on over with me and say hello?"
I heard her words. Of course I did. Each one made sense, each one was coherent. But... it was as if they went in one ear and out the other. As if upon reaching my brain, the sentences all became jumbled up, all of the letters separating. There was a reasonable explanation, of course, for this confusion of mine. Adia was not here. She and her family were not in attendance at this event - whether through my parents not wishing for them to be here out of compassion for the stress that they were already under with Masood, or because they were trying to distance themselves from the Kalaharis because of the disgraceful way that they had behaved during my first sleepover with Adia, I did not know - though in the back of my mind I expected the latter. But the point was... Adia wasn't here.
What do you mean? What do you mean that one of my school friends is here? I don't have any friends aside from Adia, you know that, Mother. Why else did you take it upon yourself to force this friendship between Adia and I when first we met? Only because you knew that we were both lonely in the schoolyard, because you knew that you could exploit it for your own personal gain. And now, when you do not even consider it prudent to invite her here, you choose to mock me by acting as if I'm the most popular girl in school and that girls are lining up for a chance to spend time with me out of the classroom. Just what the hell is wrong with you?
"Saria?" Tanya placed a hand on my knee, rubbing circles in it with her thumb. I continued to stare straight ahead, not paying her any mind. She reached up and grabbed my shoulder. "Saria!" she repeated again, her tone firmer this time. "For crying out loud, are you even listening to me?!" She no doubt wanted to scold me further for not paying attention, but before she could do so, my other half stepped up to the plate, coming to my aid like the wonderful and darling big brother that he always is.
He took my hand, guiding me onto my feet. He placed his other hand on my shoulder, making me look at him in the eye. "Mother says that one of your friends is here, little sister," he said, in that same simpering voice that one uses when talking to a younger child. Of course, the only reason that he was doing this was for the benefit of Tanya, and for that, I could not blame him. "Doesn't that sound nice? Would you like me to come over there with you?"
Oh, how I loved him beyond all others in that very moment. How was it that he knew exactly what I needed, before I had even spoken a word. All it took was for him to stare into my eyes and he understood, beyond and above all else, what would help me to get through this moment. Was there ever a greater soul that did exist in this world? Could anybody else dare to state that they had a sibling as brilliant as mine? I knew that for anyone to claim such would be nothing more than the biggest of lies! I looked up at him with the sweetest of smiles, mouthing the words, "You are a blessed godsend to me, my darling Assef." He smiled and kissed the top of my head, before I turned away from him and faced my mother, offering her a look of contrition.
"My sincerest apologies, Mama. I meant no disrespect, it was not my intention to ignore you. My mind was simply off in other places, that's all. It shan't happen again, of that you may be assured."
"See to it that it doesn't," Tanya chastised. "It's disrespectful for you to ignore me. But I'm not going to waste my time by scolding you, it will serve no benefit. Now, come. Your father is in discussion with your new little friend's parents, and I told them that I would fetch you. I do not wish to disrespect them by making them wait." My cheeks flushed with the shame of not only having been rebuked, but also having it done in front of Wali and Kamal; the former of whom was staring at me with a look on his face that might have been likened to a smirk. Or was that just because I was looking for a reason to dislike him? Tanya looked at my brother. "Assef, I don't suppose that I will be able to persuade you to remain with your friends here and leave your sister to her own devices?" His responding glare was answer enough for her, and she sighed. "Yes, that's what I thought. Very well. If that's how it shall be, then you come along with us, too."
Assef said his goodbyes to Wali and Kamal, informing them that he would be back soon. How I hoped that I would be with him when he did return. Not another word was spoken between us as we left the relative safety of the alcove under which we had been sitting, following Tanya across the courtyard. There was a determination in her step as she stalked across the grass, her head held aloft, scanning the crowd for Mahmood, and whoever it was that he was speaking to. I couldn't help but to wonder - just who was here? Which of the girls from school had been invited to this party? Tanya had referred to them as one of my friends, so it had to be somebody that I knew. But who could it be? Timid, skittish Delbar Gulzar, perhaps? Oh, how I hoped so. If I could not have Adia here with me, then I would relish in having another shy, subservient and submissive little thing that I could mould to my own needs.
Looking up, I saw the back of my father's head as he stood in conversation with three people. A taller man and woman, along with a young girl who appeared to be about twelve-years-old or so. Due to the place where they were standing, I was not able to yet see who this girl was, though I could feel her eyes on me as I approached. There was something so uncomfortable in that stare, something that made me wish to turn on my heel and bolt. I chastised myself for this. Why are you so afraid, Saria? It's just one of the girls from school. Nothing more and nothing less. You just need to go up there and play the part; you have been doing this for the entire afternoon, now please, get it together.
Mahmood threw back his head, laughing loudly at whatever it was that his guests had just said. If only these people knew that my father had laughed in a similar fashion to every slightly humorous quip that every single person here had offered, regardless of whether or not it was actually funny. If only they knew that this was all nothing more than a perjury, an attempt to make himself seem as if he was the life and soul of the party, charming every person to whom he granted the blessing of his presence. But they would never know that; Mahmood had made his entire career on sucking up to wealthy people, why now would this moment be any different?
We were gaining closer traction now, and I saw with startling clarity just who this 'school friend' actually was. It was as if the entire world fell away, as if the gates of hell had opened up and everyone else - my brother, my parents, the other guests, all fell through the core of the earth, disappearing forever. Leaving me alone, standing there with a boiling rage that filled me up from my head to my toes, making my lips curl upwards in an expression of disdain upon my face. No! I thought, shaking my head, as if by doing so I might be able to make her go away. No, no, no! She can't be here! It can't be her! Please, let it be that my eyes are deceiving me, please! Let there be anyone else stood before me but her!
I'm sure by now that you can probably guess who it was that stood before me. No prizes for what should be obvious. Yes, that's right. Standing there, dressed in a dark blue dress, her hair tied back into a low plait, and with a cold smirk on her face that I knew was reserved for me and me alone, was none other than Ahtrai. The fucking bitch who had dedicated her entire school career to making my days a misery. Who pushed and shoved me during recess. Who leaned across her seat when Mermon Yashfa wasn't looking and jabbed me in the sides with her pencils. Who knocked both myself and Adia into walls whenever there was nobody around to chastise her for it, and who mocked us with the nastiest, cruellest names that she could think to come up with. And now here she was, at my house, in my garden, standing and talking to my father. I had never felt a rage more potent than I did at that very moment.
Beside me, Assef leaned down to whisper to me in German. "Saria?" he asked. "I don't know if you're aware of this, but you look like you want to go over there and rip that girl's hair out."
I shook my head, forcing a smile on my face. Luckily, Tanya had bounded over to offer words of greeting to Ahtrai's parents, and therefore didn't seem to be all that interested in what my brother and I were doing for those blissful few seconds. I motioned towards my newest enemy with a look of disdain written upon my face. "That's Ahtrai," I informed my soulmate, who instantly tensed up at the mention of her name. "Yes, that bitch that I've told you about." I trembled with rage, and Assef drew me in, as if hoping that he might be able to calm me down. "Of course she's here. It would be my fucking luck, wouldn't it? That she is the 'friend' our parents wish for me to spend time with."
Assef opened his mouth to respond, but before he could speak a word in my protection, Tanya caught me under the arm and dragged me forward, away from him. I let out a gasp of surprise, but the bitch paid no heed to this. She forced me into the middle of this group of people, keeping a firm grip upon my shoulders as she whirled me to face Ahtrai and her parents. "Might I please introduce to you our daughter, Saria?" she asked. She motioned then to my brother. "And our son, Assef?" He gave a simple nod in response, but I knew that it was not him that our parents wanted to be here. Tanya smiled at Ahtrai. "You and Saria are classmates, aren't you, Ahtrai jan?"
That's one way of describing it, I thought, as Ahtrai nodded politely. "Yes, ma'am," she responded, "Saria jan and I are in Mermon Yashfa's class together." Saria jan. The term of endearment made me want to vomit. That sure as hell wasn't what she called me the last time that we saw each other. Though I supposed that 'the stupid cunt and I are in Mermon Yashfa's class together' might not have gone over quite as well. I narrowed my eyes into two slits, letting Ahtrai know that I was on to her. That I knew well how to play her game - a game that had forever in fact been mine.
"How lovely it is to finally make your acquaintance, Miss Saria," Ahtrai's father stepped forward to shake my hand. He was a tall man, with a hooked nose, and one eye slightly bloodshot, though for what reason I did not know, nor did I care to find out. His palm was sweaty, and I had to remind myself not to turn up my nose as his skin made contact with my gloved palm. "My name is Taimur and this here is my wife, the lovely Ramineh." Beauty must clearly be in the eye of the beholder, then, I mocked internally as I turned to face Ahtrai's mother. Her looks left absolutely nothing to be desired; a thin and wispy face with high cheekbones that she had rouged with makeup. Trying no doubt to accentuate a beauty that she did not have. There was no comparison between her and the good looks of my own mother.
She offered a wave in my direction, but did not say anything in greeting. Maybe she preferred to allow her husband to be the one to take control in such matters. Whatever the case, I was glad that she wasn't cooing over me in the way that other women at this party had done. I don't think I could have lived down the shame. It was bad enough that Ahtrai was here. I didn't need to be made to twirl and spin and show off for her parents. But before anyone else could say a word, Assef moved forward, holding out a hand to Ahtrai.
"My sister tells me much about you, Ahtrai," he said, offering her a pointed stare that only the three of us knew the meaning behind. Was I foolish to hope that her hand was trembling as she placed it into his own? "It's so nice now to finally be able to put a face to the name." Ahtrai looked back and forth from my brother to me. She wasn't stupid, not by a long shot. She knew what he meant by this. Knew that it was a thinly veiled threat - that Assef was letting her know that he was fully aware of the manner in which she had so often disrespected me, and that he would not permit it to go on any further, not so long as he was here.
Ahtrai pulled her hand away from him as quickly as she could. "It's... it's nice to meet you too," she said. God, couldn't she and her pathetic family just go away? Couldn't she just piss off back to whatever hovel she crawled out of? But Tanya obviously had other ideas, for the next words out of her mouth made me want to bash her goddamn skull in.
"Saria, why don't you and Ahtrai go off and play together? That would be fun, now wouldn't it, sweetheart?" She pointed off into the direction of the garden, "Give you two ladies a chance to really get to know each other." The look in her eyes as she said this, making it clear that she, and indeed, Mahmood, wished for a friendship to be cultivated between myself and Ahtrai. That, unfortunately for them, was like planting weeds and hoping that they would grow into flowers. But I knew that I had no choice other than to obey her commands, gesturing for Ahtrai to follow me.
The instant that we were away from the adults, the pretence that Ahtrai had been holding faded away, and she returned back to her usually cunt-like self. Turning her nose up, she glanced around at the nicely decorated garden as if standing in the middle of cow dung. "So this is your house, is it?" she asked. No, actually, I wanted to respond, we just broke in here, murdered the previous tenants, and decided to do up the place and host a garden party for the entire community to celebrate our crime. Who the fuck do you think owns this house, you absolute moron? It took all of my inner strength not to spit those words in Ahtrai's face. She turned to face me with that same look of disgust on her countenance.
She reached out to pinch the fabric of my dress, poking my skirts with her fingernails. "You know..." she said, her mouth twisting into a cruel mockery of a smile. "My eight-year-old cousin has a dress very similar to this one. In fact? I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the exact same dress. I imagine if we checked the tag we'd see that?" She made to grab for the tag hidden within the collar of my dress - the one that yes, indeed, did mention that this was made for ages 7-8, but I side-stepped her before she could do so. A hyena laugh made its way out of her disgusting lips. "Oh, I'm right, aren't I? Tell me, little baby Saria, what does it feel like, to be so tiny that you need to dress in clothes meant for little kids?"
I clenched my fists, balling them up onto my skirts as I tried so desperately to let Ahtrai's words flow in one ear and out the other. To pretend that this was nothing more than a dream, a nightmare from which I would soon awaken. She was only trying to get a rise out of me. As much as I might have yearned to become undone on her, to tackle her to the ground and pummel her with my fists until her entire face caved in and she was nothing more than a pulp of bulbous flesh lying grotesquely upon the ground, I knew that doing so would get me into trouble. That I would be the one to suffer the consequences. Therefore, I reminded myself that I would need to remain calm - to not allow a single awful thing that this bitch said to heart.
It's what she wants, I reminded myself, as Ahtrai continued to make snide comment after snide comment. She wants me to react. She wants to see that I'm upset, to know that she has the power to cause such a reaction in me. She wants to see me lose control, she wants me to attack her. She wants to get me into trouble. You know that, damn it! Do not let her win. You are better than she is, smarter; remember, the entire community is watching. You must learn to properly handle situations like this. Let it roll off of you. Let it go, Saria, do as you advised your brother to do earlier, and just let it all go.
But that didn't mean that it was easy. Not by a long-shot. I mean, you try having every fucking thing about you, from your appearance, to your home, to the decorations that you had painstakingly spent hours of your time putting up mocked and scorned. Care to tell me if you would be able to stand here and take it? If you would not wish to enact some form of gruesome vengeance upon the perpetrator? Oh, do not insult my intelligence by pretending that your frustrations would be more easily handled than mine are. I challenge anybody to stand a fucking moment with Ahtrai and not want to murder the girl.
Mercy must have shone down upon me, however, as Ahtrai soon grew bored of picking fun of me. She had seen that she wasn't going to receive any form of a reaction from me, and thus her mockery held no greater entertainment for her anymore. She threw up her hands and rolled her eyes. "Well, screw you too!" she said, as she stormed away. I watched her go, sticking my tongue out at her retreating back. Would she return to her parents? Or would she sneak off to find something else with which to entertain herself?
"Why does she have to be here?" I grumbled angrily in German, my fists clenched so tight that my knuckles had begun to turn white. Tears of frustration welled up in my eyes, and I angrily wiped them away before anyone could bear witness to my demonstrations. "Of all the fucking people, of all the girls that are in school with me, of all the people that those fucking pricks want me to befriend, why does it have to be her? As if shit wasn't bad enough. And now what, do they expect me to continue this friendship with her? Dear God, will they want me to invite her round for play-dates? Oh please, please let that not be the case!"
As I made my way through the garden, trying desperately to soothe my frustrations, I couldn't help but to become ever more frustrated, not only at Ahtrai, but also towards my parents. For I knew that there was no way I would be able to get out of whatever plans they might have set in motion for Ahtrai and I. It wasn't as if I could speak up in my own defence, to tell them the truth of what had been going on in the schoolyard. Oh, any other parents might have been horrified to learn that their little girl was being bullied. Might have even wanted to punish the person responsible. Might have told Ahtrai and her parents to get out of here, to never darken our doorstep again. But no, this was not the type of people that Mahmood and Tanya were. I knew exactly what they would say if I told them about Ahtrai's bullying; they'd find some way to pin the blame on me. That I must have been the one to cause her to behave in this manner.
What mattered to them, I knew, was not my health and happiness, but their standing within the community. It was one of the many reasons that I couldn't fucking stand my parents. The only person in this fucking world who understood what I was going through was my precious Assef, and I knew that I would find no more peace until I got to be with him again. To feel his arms around mine and hear his voice whispering words of sweet tender comforts into my ear. He would be there for me, would provided me with the comfort and love that nobody else could offer to me.
Yet as I continued my way through the garden, it was not my brother who caught my attention, but rather... Wali. He was down on his knees, not caring about the mud and grass-stains that would no doubt be on his trousers, staring into one of the bushes down at the far corner of the garden. "C'mon," he was saying, making small little clicking noises with his tongue in the back of his throat. "Come on out, little fella, it's alright. I'm not gonna hurt ya. Come on. Come on out."
It was in this moment that I made the worst decision of my life. Had I known what this would lead to, I would have just ignored Wali. Wouldn't have taken a step closer to him. But hindsight was truly a blissful twenty-twenty, and it was a much more naive and innocent Saria Ahmed that made her way over to Wali, reaching down to pat him on the shoulder. "What are you doing?" I asked curiously.
Wali turned to face me, still on his knees. "There's a creature in the bushes," he informed me, pointing back towards them. "I was standing over here when I happened to catch a glimpse of it. I dunno what it is, though, so I'm trying to see if I can't get him out." He turned away from me again and continued to reach into the bush, trying to get the animal out. I tilted my head to one side, biting my lip. Just what kind of creature was in there? What animal could have crawled into the bushes? Wali pushed some leaves aside. "Come on," he urged again, "I'm not gonna hurt ya, little guy. I'm not. I just wanna take a look at'cha."
He reached further into the shrubbery, finally eliciting an "Aha! Gotcha!" from his mouth as his hands caught hold of the little critter that he had been trying so desperately to grab. Getting to his feet, he straightened up, holding the squirming thing in one hand as the other brushed off the mud from the front of his trousers. "Well, would you look at that?" he said. "Saria, come here, come here and look at this little guy!" He turned to face me, grinning broadly. The instant that he did, I caught sight of the beast in his hands, and the entire world fell apart.
From as far back as I can remember, ever since I was a toddler, I have had an in-explainable phobia of creatures known as alligator lizards. Agama lizards. I could not for the life of me explain where this phobia had come from. All I knew was that whenever I came face to face with one of these monsters, my entire body seized up, and it felt as if my being was doused in cold water. And now, here was one, in Wali's hands, its scaly body wriggling between his palms, bright, bulbous eyes staring right into the fabric of my very soul. It stuck its tongue out at me, and I took a hesitant step back, feeling myself quiver from head to toe.
But Wali didn't seem to notice or care about how I was feeling. He laughed, holding the monster towards me. "Take a look at this, Saria! Pretty cool, huh? You wanna hold him?"
I shook my head, taking another step back. "N-No... No..." I whimpered.
"What, are you scared of it?" Wali asked. I kept staring, terrified of the beast that was still squirming in his grip. Please, please God, please don't let it get near me. Please just fucking put it back, Wali. Goddamn it. Just put it back! Just put it away! It's obvious the fucking thing doesn't even want to be here, just let it go back into the damn bushes where it belongs. Please, please, for all that is good and holy in the world, please! Wali laughed. It was such an awful sound, so patronising and shrill and cackling. "You are, ain't ya? What, is he too scaly for ya?" He held the lizard up close to his face, and I shuddered. "You hear that, buddy? Saria doesn't like you. Awww. Well, I suppose that doesn't surprise me. Just how girls are around these things, isn't it?"
He took a step closer to me, and I flinched back, a petrified whimper escaping from my lips. This went far beyond the typical 'girly squeamishness'. I was genuinely, utterly terrified. "Please... please... go away... please go away..." I begged, not caring that I was debasing myself in front of Wali. Not caring that I had resorted to abject grovelling to one of my brother's obedient lackeys. Not caring about anything but getting that creature away from me. As far away as was humanly possible. Wali cackled again, then lunged for me. I shrieked, nearly tripping over myself as I backed up. "Go awayyyy..." I moaned again, before I turned on my heels, and ran.
I could hear Wali laughing, shouting after me as he gave chase. "It's just a lizard, Saria, that's all, nothing to be scared of. Come on, come and hold him, he's actually quite friendly, I think you might like 'im. Come on, come back here!" But I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. Even as the terror grew inside me and I wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and throw up. Even when I became aware of the fact that people were watching me as I bolted past them, knocking into several empty chairs, leaping over them as my entire body screamed at me to run. Run. Run as far away from the monster in Wali's hands and never look back. At one point, I slipped on a patch of grass and almost went flying into the empty pool, but I managed quickly to regroup. Bounding up to my feet again, I whirled around to see that Wali had taken advantage of my mishap and was gaining on me.
"Noooo..." I cried out again, sprinting further throughout the garden. Tears welled up in my eyes, but there was not an iota of time left for me to wipe them away. Had to keep moving. Had to keep running. Had to get into the house - yes, yes, that was my safest option. Run inside, run to my bedroom and lock the door, barricade it shut so that Wali would not be able to get up there. Then I could crawl under my bed and hide; remain there until this whole awful party was over and Wali and his entire family had fucked off home. Just a few more feet. Come on. Just a few more feet to the kitchen door. I could do this. Come on. Come on, Saria. Legs don't fail me now. Please...
But it was too much to ask that I could have gotten out of here safely. For just as the back door came into view, it was then that people seemed to take notice of what was going on. A crowd of people were gathering, creating a semi-circle that had effectively trapped Wali and I in one spot. Amongst them were my mother and brother. "Saria?" Tanya asked, in that voice she uses when she wants to rip into me but can't because there are people around. "Saria, why are you running? Slow down, please, you need to remember that we have guests and you could bump into someone!" She gritted out those last few words through her teeth. But I was far beyond caring about her in this moment.
I turned to my brother, a look of pure, unadulterated terror on my face. "Assef..." I whimpered, "Assef, help me, please, help, Wali, he... he's got... and he's chasing me with... he... monster..."
Holding the lizard out to Assef, Wali grinned. "Found this little guy in the bushes, Assef jan. But your sister seems to be a tad scared of him. You know how girls are, can't handle nothin' scaly or slimy."
"Wali..." The tone in Assef's voice was a warning. It was a tone that spelled a great deal of trouble if his words were not obeyed. "I need you to back away from Saria, and put that creature back in the undergrowth where you found it. Okay? I'll come with you so as to make sure that you've actually done what you're told. But you need to get it away from my sister. As far away as is possible. Step back, and move away. Alright? Just..." He stepped towards Wali, who shook his head, tightening his grip around the lizard. "Just come here. Come. Here. Wali. Now!"
Let him listen, I begged, let him do as my brother orders and get that fucking thing away from me. It's all that I ask. All that I plead for, my one prayer. Let him take this dreadful beast and put it back into the undergrowth where it belongs. Please, please, please, I shall take a thousand torments from Ahtrai, just... just get this damn thing from me. Please, oh God, oh please, oh please, if anyone out there is listening, may you please hear my prayer!
But, as was forever my luck, my prayer went unanswered. Wali merely looked at my brother and rolled his eyes. "She's over-reacting, Assef. You both are. It's just a lizard. I'm sure if she holds him that she'll see there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of. Here." He stalked towards me, and now, try as I might to get my feet to move, I just couldn't do it. It was as if my shoes were weighed down with lead, as if a block of ice had formed around my feet, freezing me to the ground. All I could do was just stand there, tears rolling their way down my cheeks and sploshing onto the front of my dress, as Wali moved ever closer, the executioner ready to send me to the block.
When he was right in front of me, he caught hold of my arm and lifted it up. I was entirely powerless to stop him as he took my gloved hand and bent my elbow slightly. I looked up at him with watery eyes. "Please don't," I whispered, "I'm begging you. Don't." But he merely grinned, and oh, how I wanted to knock every single one of his teeth out. He pulled the monster away from his own hands, and placed it down... yes... you guessed it... right onto my arm.
The entire universe crumbled away. Earth, the moon, the stars, the grass beneath my feet, everything - it all disappeared, leaving me clinging onto the very fabrics of existence. The lizard dug its claws into my bare skin, its beady eyes staring right into the very depths of my soul. My breath began to come in searing gasps, a cold knot forming in my ribs, seizing my heart and twisting it. The words "no, no, no," escaped my lips, over and over again, as if they were the only things that I could actually say. My eyes blurred and stung, vision clouded, rolling back into my head. I felt as if I were on the verge of collapse.
And there was someone screaming, too. That was the oddest thing about all of this. Someone was shrieking at the top of their lungs, a high-pitched, guttural wail, one like that of a wounded animal. Was there someone else here as equally afraid of these monsters as I was? I almost wanted to look around for them, to see who it might be, this kindred spirit of mine, but before I could do so, the person screamed again; louder this time. So loud that it was almost deafening. And as they screamed, my throat burned, I lurched forward, gasping and retching and wheezing... and it hit me... with all the force of a ten tonne speeding bullet train.
The person screaming... was me.
"OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF OF ME!" I yowled, flailing my arms up into the air, and spinning them around like windmills. The lizard continued to grasp my arm, now digging its nails even further in. "NO! NO! NOOOO! GET IT AWAY FROM ME, GET IT AWAYYYYYYY!" I scratched desperately at my arm, tearing off my new gloves and throwing them to the ground, so as to give myself more room with which to get this monster, this horrid, scaly, awful creature, off of me. I screamed again, this time an incoherent, garbled mess of words and sounds that had no real meaning to them. The lizard stuck its tongue out, mocking me, perhaps it knew of my fear and wanted to exploit it. I clawed at it, backing away, sobbing and gasping. "GET IT AWAY! GET THIS FUCKING THING OFF OF ME! GET IT OFF MY FUCKING ARM! PLEASE! PLEASE SOMEBODY, SOMEBODY PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME, PLEASE! PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP ME! HELP! HELPPPPP!"
But nobody helped. Not one person moved. They all just stood there, staring at me, as though I were a fucking circus attraction. Wali's jaw had dropped - he was not expecting a reaction from me of this magnitude. I continued my desperate attempts to get the lizard off of my arm. My legs collapsed out from under me and down I went, tumbling to the ground, flat on my back. The lizard hissed as it went down with me. I screamed again, tugging on it. "NOOOOOO, GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF OF ME!" It was at this point that fear and anger began to merge into one, and I looked up at the crowd of people standing there with open mouths, just gaping, doing nothing to help me. "F... Fuck... Fuck... FUCK YOU!"
Somebody gasped at this, but I did not care. I managed to wrench the monster's claws from off my arm, and hurled with all the force I had within me, sending it flying several feet away where it crashed against a small rock and lay there, not moving. Was it alive? Was it dead? No... as I lay there, quaking, I could see that the monster's body was twitching slightly. I continued to shriek, now words of anger and hatred to the people who had all watched me having a literal panic attack and done nothing to help. "FUCK ALL OF YOU, PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT! STANDING THERE LIKE LOADS, DOING ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING! NOT ONE OF YOU HELPED ME, NOT ONE OF YOU GODDAMN ASSHOLES, NOT ONE! ABSOLUTELY USELESS,THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU! YOU THINK I JUST LIKE TO HEAR MYSELF FUCKING SCREAM, DO YOU? FUCKING USELESS! USELESS, THE WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF YOU! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES, SCREW YOU ALL! SCREW YOUUUUUU!"
"Saria!" Tanya was charging across the lawn now, her own face contorted in an emotion that I did not recognise, nor did I care to see. It was as if every emotion, from shame to anger, to humiliation, to concern, was written across her temple. "Saria, you... you get... you come... get over here!" But she must have sensed that I would not be able to move on my own accord, for right as she said those words, she bent down, caught me around the waist, and lifted me up off of the ground.
I wasn't about to go down without a fight. I scratched and clawed at her, much as I had done with the lizard, buckling my knees. "NO! NO! GET OFF OF ME, GET OFF! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, YOU BITCH! I SAID LET GO!" Tanya placed her hands under my arms, trying to yank me to my feet. She caught me around the waist again and hoisted me up. Becoming airborne, I flailed my legs, one of my feet catching Wali, who had been hovering over me unsure of what to do or how to react, square in the nose.
He let out a howl of pain and toppled backwards, clutching his bleeding face. Several people rushed to render aid to him, including his own parents. "THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, YOU SON OF A WHORE!" I screamed as Tanya began to haul me back towards the kitchen. I smacked at her arms in a futile attempt to get her to let me go. "GET OFF OF ME! I SAID LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" My eyes found my brothers, and I reached for him, hoping against hope that I might be able to break free from Tanya's iron grip and go to the safety of his embrace. "ASSEF, PLEASE! ASSEF HELP ME! HELLLPPP! I NEED YOU, PLEASE, PLEASE! PLEASE, BIG BROTHER, HELP ME!"
"Quiet, Saria Adelah!" Tanya barked. "Not another word out of you, young lady, do you hear me? You have said quite enough." We reached the kitchen doorway. I grasped hold of the door-frame, clinging to it as she pried each of my fingers away. I continued screaming for my brother, who was already charging in our direction with Kamal hot on his heels. Tanya placed me on my feet, holding my arm firmly as I swayed from left to right, gasping for air. I doubled over, wheezing, sobbing. But Tanya was in no mood for shenanigans.
She wrenched me up right, jostling me. "What," she said, through gritted teeth, "in the name, of God, was that, Saria Adelah Ahmed? Hmm? What kind of a display was that?! Were you trying to be our entertainment for the evening? Was that your little idea of a joke? Because let me tell you something, young lady, not ONE person out there found that funny!"
"They... they weren't supposed..." I whimpered. "I... I... I was scared, M-Mommy... The lizard... It..." The words did not come, I could not think of any way that I could defend myself. I burst into ugly, noisy sobs. Assef and Kamal had appeared in the kitchen doorway now, my brother making his way towards us with his hands up, trying to placate the she-dragon that was our mother.
"Mother," he said, as calm as was possible given the circumstances. "I'm sure Saria didn't mean to act the way that she did. She was terrified out of her wits. She still is terrified out of her wits, you only need to look at her to see that. Just... let her go, please. Give her to me. I can calm her down, I promise." He held his arms out, and I prayed that Tanya would see sense and deliver me into them. She must have known that she would not be able to handle this situation with the expertise that my soulmate had when it came to taking care of me.
But Tanya shook her head, catching me by both arms. "I don't want to hear it, Assef. Your BRAT of a sister has disgraced this family with her deplorable behaviour and I will have an answer from her mouth as to why she figured it was acceptable to act this way." She began to shake me back and forth, my teeth rattling, my skull jostling in my head. "Come on, Saria, answer me! Speak up! You had plenty to say outside, most of it foul language that I know for certain your father and I have never taught you. So come on, have you been struck dumb now? I won't have it. Do you understand me? Do I make myself perfectly clear? I will NOT have it. You will ANSWER YOUR MOTHER WHEN SHE SPEAKS TO YOU!"
I nearly jolted out of my skin, another low moan of terror escaping me. Tanya had enough of this. "You insolent, ungrateful, disgusting little brat!" she shrieked, raising her hand high into the air. I barely had a second to register what was happening before she brought it crashing down onto my face. The force of the blow was so strong that it once more knocked my legs out from under me and sent me reeling onto the kitchen floor. My headband flew off, landing on the floor. My head cracked against the floor. I lay there, stunned and dazed. A hand reaching up to touch my lower lip. When I pulled it away, I noticed specks of blood on my fingertips. I turned to look up at my brother, who was staring down at me with unbridled rage on his face, his chest heaving.
It was then that all hell broke loose.
"You..." Assef snarled, moving towards Tanya like a predator about to attack a cornered animal. "You... You... You FUCKING BITCH!" He clenched his fist, pumped it behind his head, and sent it swinging down into her jaw, knocking her sideways. She screamed, throwing up her arm in an attempt to defend herself as she tried to stop herself from falling over onto the kitchen floor. She had barely a second to register what was going on before Assef was lunging for her again, catching her about the waist and sending the two of them toppling one over the other, right next to where I lay.
Letting out a high-pitched screech, I managed to barrel roll out of the way, scrambling up next to the kitchen sink as Assef got on top of our mother and began swinging his fists into her face, again and again. "You bitch!" he screamed, "you fucking bitch! You worthless FUCKING CUNT! PUT YOUR GODDAMN HANDS ON MY SISTER, WILL YOU?" He grabbed the pearl necklace that was around Tanya's neck and wrenched it off of her. The thin, silk thread holding the pearls together was no match for him, and soon they were sent flying through the air, bouncing off walls and rolling under the kitchen table.
Tanya reached up, grabbing my brother's wrists and trying to pull him off of her. But her feeble strength was of no match for his, as he continued to whale on her. "YOU WHORE, YOU FUCKING CUNT BITCH! HOW DARE YOU HIT MY SARIA! I'LL END YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I WILL FUCKING END YOU!" I was absolutely stunned by all of this. Assef had never, ever attacked either one of our parents before. This went above and beyond mere rage, too. He truly was ready to kill Tanya, and as he pummelled her, grappling with her on the floor, her blood staining the linoleum, I wondered how far he'd go to defend my honour. Would he really murder Tanya? Really go that far to protect me?
I didn't get the answer to that question, however. Right as Assef was swinging his fist back to punch the copiously bleeding Tanya again, Kamal rushed forward. "Assef!" he cried out. "Assef, stop!" He wrapped his arms over my brother's waist, wrestling with him. "Assef, stop it, stop it please! Get off of her!" A loud gasp came from the doorway. I turned to see that the crowd of people who had once been preoccupied in dealing with Wali's bloodied and hopefully broken nose, had now congregated here and were staring with open mouths at all of us. How long had they been here? How much had they seen?
"FUCK OFF, KAMAL!" Assef roared. He tried to push Kamal's hands from off of him, but Kamal held firm, wrenching Assef away from Tanya, even as my brother continued to fight against him. "LET GO OF ME! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DEFENDING HER? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HELP THAT BITCH!" He swung for Tanya again, but Kamal pulled him back. "YOU SEE WHAT THAT WHORE DID TO MY SARIA? DO YOU FUCKING SEE WHAT SHE DID?!"
"I know, Assef, I saw, I saw..." Kamal grunted with the herculean effort of trying to pull my brother away. He whispered something to him, something that I was unable to hear. I just laid there, numb, dazed. Beside me, Tanya had scrambled up to her knees and was hunched over, crying, blood dripping from her nose and mouth. She let out a low, guttural moan, bringing her hand up to her head as she cowered as far away from Assef as she could get. Assef saw this and growled, lunging for her again. He barely got the chance to move, though, before Kamal pulled him away again. "Don't, okay? Don't! Just leave it. It's not worth it! Goddamn it, think of your sister, of what will happen to her! Please, just think this through."
I let out a terrified whimper. "A-Assef..." My other half turned to me. I reached my arms up for him. "Assef, please... Please, brother..." I could speak not a word nor a plea more and broke down into more, incomprehensible sobs, my arms falling limply back by my sides.
Upon seeing how desperate I was for him, Assef began to fight for Kamal to let go of him again. "Let, Kamal, just... I'm not going to attack anyone, okay? I'm calm." He was far from it. The rage in his eyes was still a burning fire, but he had managed to set the embers to smouldering instead of raging, at least for now. He tried to pry Kamal's hands from off of him, but Kamal held firm. Perhaps fearing what my brother might do if he let go ."Just... just let me go to my sister. Please. She needs me." Kamal looked my brother in the eyes. He must have seen something in them that convinced him to let my soulmate go, for the next second, he removed his arms from off of Assef's waist and stepped back. His own brow was coated in sweat, and he brought up an arm to wipe it. Grappling with my brother must have really taken a lot out of him.
Assef hurried across the kitchen to me, dropping to his knees beside me. "Saria?" he whispered, reaching out a hand to touch my shoulder. I turned my tear-coated face to look at him. Another low wail escaped from my lips as I threw myself into his arms, latching myself around his neck like a drowning woman clinging to a life preserver. Then another, then another, until I was once more having a full-on panic attack in my other half's embrace. He rubbed gentle circles into my back with his own trembling hands, rocking me back and forth. "Shh, Liebchen," he cooed against my hair, pressing his lips to my temple, "Shhh, darling, shhh now. It's okay. It's all going to be okay. I've got you. You're okay now. Nobody is going to hurt you again, I won't let them. I swear I won't let them. Just... just take a deep breath for me, alright? In... that's it..." I did as he asked, my breathing was ragged and shaky, "that's it, so good, you're doing so good. Hold it. And out. There we go. That's my Liebchen."
Part of me wondered, as Assef continued to soothe me, telling me to breathe in, and hold, and breathe out, and as his own breathing began to match mine, just who these calming techniques were actually for. For I could feel his own body quivering with all of the pent up rage that he had not been able to completely unleash upon Tanya. In that, I did feel more than grateful to Kamal for having stopped the fight. Who knows what might have happened? What if Assef hadn't snapped out of it on his own volition? What if he had beaten our mother into a coma, or had left her with brain damage, or had actually killed her as he'd been screaming about doing? In front of guests? What then? I sobbed afresh at the thought of someone fetching the police and my other half being dragged away in handcuffs to the back of their waiting police van. Sobbed, and wept and clung to Assef's shirt so tight that my fingers started to hurt.
Mahmood, who must have been standing in the crowd watching all of this go down, began pushing his way through the gaggle of staring onlookers. "Excuse me, pardon me, please, let me through." They parted to allow him access into the kitchen. Tanya gripped the edges of the sink and hoisted herself back onto her feet, though she swayed as she did so, and it looked as though she might once again be on the verge of collapse. The blood poured liberally from her nose, and her left eye was beginning to swell shut. Mahmood stepped in front of the crowd, blocking their view (somewhat) of everything that was going on.
"Nothing to see here," he lied, holding out his hands in a gesture of placation. He stepped forwards, making it so that the crowd needed to move back. "This is just a little domestic dispute, that's all. Nothing with which anybody needs to concern themselves." He turned to Kamal, who was still stood in the middle of the kitchen, his hands limp by his sides. Mahmood placed a hand on his shoulder. "Kamal jan, thank you," he whispered, "thank you for stepping in to defend my wife, considering my son has entirely lost the run of himself. But you go back to your mother and father now, son. I've got it from here."
Kamal hesitated for a moment, then moved to where his parents were standing. Naghma reached a trembling hand out for her son, pulling him close the instant that he came near. She whispered something into his ear, but I of course was unable to make out what it was. I buried my face into Assef's shirt again, as Mahmood continued his attempts to do whatever forms of damage control that he possibly could. The phrase 'nothing to see here' got thrown around a lot - but we all know that was a damn lie. Eventually, Mahmood realized that he would be unable to get things back on track. "I am so sorry," he said, "but I think that we will have to cut the party short for today. As you can no doubt imagine, my family and I have much that we will need to discuss and deal with this evening. I am, once again, so sorry and so beyond ashamed and embarrassed for the way that today has gone. Rest assured that it will be dealt with, and you will never again need to worry about witnessing such an awful spectacle in my home."
With that, people began to file their way out of our house. Some attempted to speak words of condolences to my mother, but she was too lost in her own mind to respond, and thus they just gave up. Never one to pass up the opportunity to kick me when I'm down, Ahtrai paused before she left, staring down at me. "It was very nice to spend this time with you, Saria jan. I hope that we can do it again some day. Thank you, Mrs and Mrs Ahmed, for the invitation to your lovely home." Had she not been nursing the bruised face that her own son had just given her, I know that Tanya would have been all over such a charming display of manners. Only Assef and myself knew the true meaning behind Ahtrai's words.
One by one, the guests all left, Mahmood following them to the door. He spoke to each of them in turn, apologising repeatedly for what they had just seen. I remained seated in my darling's lap, my body quivering with the pent up adrenaline from all that had happened. Assef kissed my fingertips, my palms, the backs of my hands, the top of my head, whispering to me, sweet words of delicate reassurances. Tanya continued to blubber over the sink, retching into it. But I had no sympathy for the woman. She should not have laid her hands upon me; it was she who started this whole damn thing - her and Wali, and goddamn him to hell!
Another five minutes passed, and finally the last guests had left. I heard the front door click shut, and Mahmood shoved the chain back across the latch. Then the sound of his footsteps slowly making their way back down the hall. One after the other. Then... he was standing in the kitchen doorway. I peeled my head up off of Assef's chest, and looked up into my father's face. His chest heaved up and down, his lip curled, teeth bared. He looked around the room at all of us, and his eyes darkened with an unbridled, inhuman fury. And I knew then, as a cold wave of fresh terror washed through me, sinking into every pore, every crevice, and every vein of my body, that only divine intervention could save us now...
Thank you all so, so much for reading! In the next chapter, we continue on with the same day as Mahmood demands answers as to what happened this afternoon. But as tempers flare once again, it will be Saria who takes the full brunt of everything. Can the family return from this, or will their relationship be set to crash and burn? Look for this, coming very, very soon!
As always, if you liked the chapter, please feel free to comment, rate, subscribe, and let me know! I appreciate all of my readers, more than I can say. I send you all love and warm vibes!
