I'm so sorry that I forgot to post on Friday. I haven't been on my Chromebook all weekend until today, Sunday.
This chapter picks up right where the last chapter finished. FI warning.
Thanks for reading!
-CL
I push, still sobbing. It's painful, but not as terrible as it's going to be. "More, Bella," Dr. Ashlar says. "This isn't going to be a fast or easy delivery." I comply, bearing down. I grab Maxon's hand and squeeze it. I feel the contraction starting to retract, so I start relaxing. "Good, Bella. Take advantage of the rest time."
I start crying again. "I don't want to do this," I say, exhausted.
"I know, Bella," Dr. Ashlar says, "but you have to."
"Shh, my dear," Maxon says, rubbing my arm. I lean into his touch, wanting to disappear. I start crying again when I feel another contraction.
"Push, Bella," Dr. Ashlar says. I do, starting to scream. I'm so angry at life and God, for allowing this to happen. I focus my anger on pushing. We do this for an hour with no success. I become completely exhausted, barely able to sit up. "Bella, if nothing happens between the next five pushes, I'm going to have to surgically remove the baby."
I start to sob again, this time out of fear. "No, please no. I'll try harder."
"Is there anything else you could do?" Maxon asks, almost begging. He's looking at me pained. I remember his words from before: Even though I don't like to see you puking, or in pain for that matter, I'm going to be with you. I squeeze his hand, trying to reassure him. Another contraction comes and I turn my focus back to pushing.
"Yes, I could do something, but it will be painful-and has to be done now. Do you want me to do it?" Dr. Ashlar replies. I feel pressure and push.
"Bella?" Maxon asks. I nod, too focused on pushing. "Then, yes, Doctor."
I feel Dr. Ashlar's hands move toward my opening. "Bella, no matter what, don't push until I say."
I then feel him enter my opening. I feel pressure mounting from his hand and then my cervix stretches. "It hurts!" I scream. "Stop. Stop! Please!" I'm sobbing, and Maxon isn't looking. His face is buried in my neck, trying to comfort himself and me.
I use my hands to try to move, but Maxon grabs my hands between his. "Bella, just scream. Don't move." His eyes are bloodshot from the crying.
"It fucking hurts!" I say. I groan when another contraction comes through. "Fuck!"
"Bella, I need you to push as hard as you can against my hand," Dr. Ashlar instructs. I bear down, harder than I have ever pushed. I feel his hand exiting my body slowly. "Keep going," he instructs. I do, using up the last of my strength. With a final scream, I push the last I can and feel Dr. Ashlar's hand exit me, with something else as well. I'm too exhausted to open my eyes, so I just lay back on the bed, letting myself rest.
I hear Maxon whimper and presume he sees what was once our baby. "You had a baby girl," Dr. Ashlar says.
I open my eyes and see my baby. "Can-Can I hold her?" I ask, starting to cry again.
Dr. Ashlar wraps our baby in a tiny blanket and hands her to us. I feel Dr. Ashlar poking and prodding down there, but I ignore it. I see my baby and wail. "I know, my dear. I know," Maxon says, putting his over mine, holding our baby for the first and only time. I lean into Maxon and allow my silent tears to fall. Maxon leans in and kisses our baby girl. "Goodbye, my love."
His legs give out and he sinks to the floor, sobbing. "Maxon!" I call out.
"I'm…I'm right here, my-dear," he replies between sobs.
"Maxon, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault!" I look at my baby and try to memorize all of her. "Maxon…"
"Yes-my dear?" he says, standing up slowly.
"Can-can you take a-picture?" I ask before breaking into more sobs.
"Bella…"
"Please? She-she deserves to be remembered," I reason.
"Doctor? Can you have a maid grab my camera?"
"Of course," Dr. Ashlar says. "I'll give you a few moments." He takes my feet out of the stirrups. "Bella, be careful with moving-you're very sore," he says, leaving the room.
I carefully move my body so Maxon can climb into the bed. He spoons me, being careful around my sore body and our baby. "She looks like you," Maxon says, shaking with silent sobs.
"She's perfect," I say, sobbing. "It's my fault that we lost her." I trace her tiny face and kiss her gently on the forehead.
"Bella, you did nothing wrong," Maxon says, moving his hand to wipe the hair out of my face.
"But it's my body that can't handle carrying a baby to full term," I say, letting my tears fall. "It is my fault."
Dr. Ashlar knocks on the door and enters. "I have your camera here. Do you want me to take to a picture of…all of you?"
I look at Maxon. He nods. "Yes, please," I say. "Can Maxon take a picture of her first so I can try to stop crying?"
"Maxon, do you want me to take a picture of you holding her and then Bella?"
"Sure," Maxon says, wiping his eyes. He gently takes our baby girl and adjusts her in his arms. I tear up, seeing Maxon holding her. He's a natural dad. I wipe the tears away and watch the photoshoot. It's over too soon and Maxon hands me our baby. I pose with her a few times, trying to keep the tears at bay. Maxon takes some of his own photos and then takes our girl again. He takes a few shots of just her and hands his camera back to Dr. Ashlar. "Bella, how do you want to do this?"
"I don't know," I say, sniffling. "You're the photographer."
We take many different shots, knowing that this will be the only time we can. One includes both of us in the bed spooning our baby. Another, Maxon crouches next to the bed, both of us looking at the baby. Another, Maxon and me kissing with our hands touching underneath the baby, supporting her together. Another, both of us are kissing our baby girl's head. We try to seem happy, but we both know we don't. "Maxon, I think we should name her. She deserves that at least," I say, allowing myself to cry again.
"Do you have any ideas?" Maxon asks, placing his camera down.
"I was thinking…Lily, but I don't have an idea for a middle name," I say.
"I like Lily, and what about…Maxine?"
"Lily Maxine Schreave. It's perfect," I say, sobbing again, knowing I'll never use the name again.
"Bella, Maxon, I'm sorry to do this to you, but we must take her and bury her," Dr. Ashlar says. "Say your final goodbyes."
I sob, touching and kissing my baby for the last time. "Goodbye, my sweet Lily. I love you so much, even though you will never know." I trace her face one more time and kiss her for the last time. I hand her over to Maxon to let him say goodbye. Too soon, Dr. Ashlar has her in his hands and is walking out of the room. I wail, and Maxon holds me, both of us breaking into pieces.
