pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

The kids were all hunkering down for bed. Well some were up and others were going to sleep but that's just how people were. There was the shriek of a kettle which Komachi attended to. It was enormous and I considered helping for a moment but she was a big girl. I really shouldn't coddle her. She'd one day spin on without me. I couldn't help it a little though. I wanted the best for her. I wanted her to get married and have a good life. Things which were just out of my reach. Strange. These things in math and physics were attainable but a family life? Forget about it.

I let that vortex take me. I allowed my thoughts to be morbid. It wasn't a healthy thing. It made me think about the one at the bottom. Azathoth, Lovecraft called it. Einstein called it Spinoza. A god of order. 'Electrons exist all jumbled up like rice? 'Yes' said god, 'now let me play dice.'' Einstein thought god didn't play dice with the universe. He clearly does. The quantum state of an object suffers from the halting problem. You couldn't calculate whether a program would run forever or not. Turing solved it. Or at least he proved it was unsolvable. I wondered if the Riemann Zeta Hypothesis was like that. Unprovable but un-disprovable. Forever unknown. It made one think and it didn't make one think positive thoughts about the nature of reality.

I saw the hand of Azathoth. The mad whistling thing at the center of creation didn't care about us. It didn't care that we didn't understand. Perhaps our ignorance was the point.

Hayama put down his paper cup tentatively. "Right now, I guess we might be having a conversation like the ones you have on school trip at night." His voice was that of someone recalling something from long ago.

Our high school grade hadn't been on a school trip yet. It was scheduled for the second semester of eleventh grade. Once again, I awaited my simple task of walking three steps behind my classmates and falling asleep at night straight away. I could overcome my own solitude. I talked to myself and kept myself company. I was good at that.

"I wonder if she'll be okay…" Yui asked me a little worriedly.

I didn't have to ask what she was talking about. It was probably Tsurumi Rumi. Yukinoshita, Yuigahama and I, who had spoken to her directly, weren't the only ones who had grasped that she was friendless. Everyone could see it. Not only did she stand out, anyone would understand her situation just by looking.

Someone struck a match. The side of Hiratsuka‐sensei's cool visage was illuminated under a tree's shadow. When she took a shallow puff from her cigarette, the tobacco smoke floated in the air. The smoke wavered when she readjusted her legs.

"Yo Hiratsuka-sensei, hook me up." I asked.

She lit a cigarette and passed it to me. I took a puff. I preferred mary jane but nicotine wasn't so bad and was legal. A pleasant nausea. Yukinoshita made a face at me as I smoked. I ignored that. Yui also recoiled but she said nothing. Komachi glowered but remained silent. I let the heady nausea take me. It was just a once in a while thing. I wasn't an addict.

"Hmph. Something on your mind?" Hiratsuka-sensei asked.

I exhaled smoke away from Saika and the girls and upwards into the air.

Hayama was the one to answer. "Well, there's a student who's kinda isolated from the others…"

"Yeah, I feel sorry for her," Miura chimed in. Since she was agreeing with Hayama just to fill in the conversation, she said it as if it was obvious. That made something in my chest twinge just a little.

"You're wrong, Hayama," I said, filling in the pause. "You don't understand where the real root of the problem lies. There's nothing inherently wrong with being friendless or alone. The problem is that she was forced into isolation out of malicious intent." I took a take and exhaled upwards once more.

"You a smoker Hikigaya?" Sensei asked.

"Sometimes. Not like you but I like it every once in a while. Anyways people can keep themselves company. A good book. The internet. There are people who like being alone and people who don't. That sort of thing."

That's why the ideal solution was not to single her out but to improve the environment that had forced her into isolation.

"So what do you guys wanna do?" Hiratsuka‐sensei asked us.

"Well…" Hayama trailed.

We all fell into silence. What did everyone want to do? Nothing much, really. They just wanted to talk about it. Pathetic. Besides, there wasn't much to be done anyway.

"I…" Someone spoke up. It was Hayama, who had shut his mouth so heavily before. "I'd like to do something to help her if I can." He was staring at me. I exhaled smoke in his direction dismissively.

It was a very Hayama‐like expression. They were kind words. They were unkind only to Rumi. To those close to Hayama as he spoke, they were very kind words indeed. A kind lie that would hurt no one. It would only make hope flicker, although the despair was wrapped inside the roundabout phrasing. The possibility that it could not be done loomed unspoken, and everyone was free to interpret it as they wished.

"It's impossible for you. That's how it was, right?" It was Yukinoshita's voice that cut through those vague and comfortable words.

In the dead of the night, a lantern light illuminated her features. As she flicked her hair behind her, her cold gaze pierced Hayama. She had made that assertion as if it was a patently obvious fact, not bothering to seek an explanation. I wondered if she was talking about what Hayama had said to Rumi earlier. For a moment, I caught a glimpse of Hayama's pained expression, as if his very insides had been set afire.

"That… might have been how it was." For a moment, he couldn't speak. "But this time, it'll be different."

"I wonder about that." Yukinoshita shrugged at Hayama's answer. It was a cold dismissal. As we watched this unexpected exchange, a heavy silence hung over the proceedings. Just like the others, I kept my mouth shut as I peered at Hayama and Yukinoshita.

I'd sensed it that time when Hayama came to the Service Club room, but the hardened attitude Yukinoshita showed towards him now was different from her ordinary self. Her usual coldness was merely an expression of stand‐offishness, but there was a definite sense of forcefulness in Yukinoshita's words just now. It was clear as day that something had happened between the two of them, something I didn't know about. But well, cool story, bro. I didn't really care either way, but this uncomfortable mood was kind of scary. Ouch.

"Good grief…" Hiratsuka‐sensei lit another cigarette, bringing attention to herself. Slowly and leisurely, she took a long puff before crushing the cigarette against the ashtray and turning her attention to Yukinoshita. "What about you, Yukinoshita?"

In response to that question, Yukinoshita put a hand on her chin. "There's one thing I'd like to confirm," she said after some thought.

"What is it?"

"Hiratsuka‐sensei, I believe you said this also functioned as a training camp for the Service Club, so would this girl's circumstances also be considered part of our club activities?"

Hiratsuka‐sensei thought about Yukinoshita's question for a while and then quietly gave her consent. "…mm. Yeah, it would be. I assigned you as volunteer staff at this outdoor school as part of your club activities. In theory, this matter should fit in that category too."

"I see…" Yukinoshita responded, and with that she closed her eyes. The wind blowing the foliage was steadily becoming weaker. It seemed as if even the forest was straining its ears to listen to her voice, desperate not to miss a word. Nobody made a sound; they just waited. "If that girl seeks help, we will make use of every means at our disposal," Yukinoshita declared, her voice firm with conviction. A frigid and unwavering will lay behind those words. You're way too cool, Yukinoshita. If I were a girl, I'd be totally head over heels for her right now. I mean, come on, Yuigahama and Komachi were already enraptured by her.

That answer seemed to satisfy even Hiratsuka‐sensei, because she nodded eagerly. "So is she looking for help, you think?"

"…that I do not know."

Right, it wasn't like she had asked us for anything. It wasn't like we had explicitly confirmed her desires.

Yui tugged on Yukinoshita's sleeve. "You know, Yukinon, I don't think that girl can talk about it even if she wants to."

"You mean nobody would believe her or something?" I asked.

Yui hesitated a little before she answered. "Yeah, that could be it too, but… Rumi‐chan said herself that a lot of people got shunned. She was in on it herself at the time. I guess she wouldn't be able to stand it if she was the only one who asked for help. I don't think Rumi‐chan's the only one in the wrong – everyone's like that… even if they want to talk it out and get along, they just can't find the right moment. But they still feel guilty…" Yuigahama cut off her words there. Ever so slightly, she fought to control her breathing, and then she laughed sheepishly in order to change the subject. "Aha, that was a bit… er, very embarrassing thing to say. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone everyone else isn't talking to."

Yukinoshita gazed at Yui's smile, a bright look in her eyes. Under normal circumstances, it would take courage to talk to a loner indeed. Yui had been nervous about entering the clubroom at first. And yet she overcame that and spoke to Yukinoshita and me. That probably did make her seem dazzling to the eye.

"But y'know, maybe Rumi‐chan's class can't not go along with it? If I speak up, I might get shunned too, I'd think, so I'd be like gotta put some distance between us for now or I want some time to prepare, and then I'd end up like that too… oh nooooo! I said something really horrible just now, didn't I?! Will I be okay?!" Yuigahama jumped in alarm and peered at everyone around her for their reaction. But not a single person showed her any animosity. Everyone had a smile on their lips betraying difficult emotions – pained smiles and surprise and sentimentality.

Yui really was amazing. If I were a girl, I'm sure I'd want to be her friend.

"You'll be fine. I think that was very characteristic of you…" Yukinoshita answered softly in a whisper.

Even though it was so quiet, hers was the kind of voice that betrayed deep emotion. Yui seemed to have been embarrassed by what Yukinoshita said, because her face turned red and she fell silent.

Hiratsuka‐sensei flashed a smile at Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. "Is there anyone who disagrees with Yukinoshita's conclusion?" She left her words hanging and turned her head around slowly, inspecting everyone's reaction. But nobody raised their voice in objection. If I were to put my finger on it, I got the feeling it was more correct to say that nobody could raise their voice. Saying crap like 'As if I'm gonna help someone out! I'm going back to my room!' would signal your death flag.

"Good. Now then, I'll leave it to you guys to think about what to do. I'm getting some shut‐eye." And with that, Hiratsuka‐sensei stifled a yawn and stood up from her seat. I took one last puff of my cigarette and extinguished it in the ashtray. I got a bit of the filter but it just left a bad taste in the mouth. No big deal.

"You stink now big brother," Komachi pointed out. I shrugged.

"Did I smell good before?" I wondered.

"Better than cigarette smoke," Yui whined. I stared at her for a moment and her face turned bright red. "Well what I mean is…"

"It's not a big deal or anything," I pointed out. "So I'm not going to be attracting anyone. What else is new?"

"Physical addiction is a sign of mental weakness," Yukinoshita pointed out. I rolled my eyes.

"It's just a cigarette. It cannot be that bad."

"Sure it's one now but soon it will be ten," Komachi pointed a finger at me.

"I don't like it that much…" I stammered. "Don't you trust me?"

"It's not about trust."

"This is off topic. How can we make Tsurumi Rumi fit in?"

Yukinoshita sighed but gave me one last icy glare. 'You're the last person who should be abusing substances.' That's what that glare said to me. Too bad. I liked alcohol and weed and painkillers and amphetamines. I had a guy. We weren't friends. I was his customer. It was a good relationship. Every once in a while I partook. Not a big deal. Lots of people did. Cigarettes were bad for you but so was a lot of the things I did to myself. I wasn't in this thing for the long haul.

Miura was the one who got the ball rolling. "C'mon, she's pretty cute, so she should hang out with the other cute girls, don'cha think? Like, a word here, a word there, and you're best buds. No sweat, yeah?"

"Yeah, man. You da boss, Yumiko!"

"Heh, I know, right?"

Wow, Miura, wooooow. That was the logic of the super elite for you. And for good old Tobe to go along with it, man, he really was a swell guy. Such logic, many respect. I rolled my eyes. I wanted another cigarette to blow smoke at both of them. Hey, a marijuana cigarette never left me on read.

"Y‐you can only do that because you're Yumiko." As you'd expect, Yui did not approve.

Still, that explained a few things. So one of the reasons Miura hung out with Yuigahama was because of her looks. Well, I do admit Yuigahama was easy on the eyes. And I guess she did have a nice figure. But since she was a defenceless idiot and all, you had to watch out for her.

"She might have phrased it poorly, but what Yumiko's saying about creating a foothold is right. Still, under these circumstances, it might difficult getting her to speak up in the first place." Hayama came to Miura's defence while simultaneously refuting her, thereby invoking his diplomatic refusal skill.

Miura pulled an ever so slightly sour face, but she played along with him. "Oh, right," she said, backing down.

Next, it was Ebina‐san who raised her hand, her expression brimming with confidence.

"Go ahead, Hina." Hayama referred to her by name.

Wait, who? I thought. Saika tugged on my shirt all adorable. "Hina is Ebina‐san's first name. It's written with the characters for princess and broccolini." My confusion must have shown on my face because Saika whispered the answer into my ear. His breath felt tickly and had a nice scent. Shit! Why did a boy have to resemble a flower so much?

Ebina‐san's full name was Ebina Hina. Not that I had any use for it, seriously. Ebina‐san said her piece calmly. "It's quite all right. She'll be fine if she lives for her hobbies. Once you devote yourself to your hobbies, you end up going to events and your friendship circle expands, you know? I'm sure she'll find a place she can truly call home. She'll realise that school is not the end of the world. And then she'll learn to have fun doing other things." I was surprised; that was a better thought‐out response than I expected.

That part about school not being the end of the world especially rang true. When you're in elementary school and middle school, your world revolves around school and home. That's why being rejected at those places felt like the end of the world. But Ebina‐san was saying that wasn't the case, that you ought to search for a place outside of school where you could act yourself and be forward‐looking.

Ah, now I get it. Get into another community and you could find a place to belong, and from there your world would expand. And plus, from the way she spoke, Ebina‐san seemed to have been enlightened through personal experience. Ebina‐san went on even further.

"I made friends through BL! There's no such thing as a girl who hates queers! So Yukinoshita, please be my‐"

"Yumiko, go grab some tea with Hina," Hayama cut in quickly. Miura stood up and grabbed Ebina‐san's arm.

"Okey‐dokey. C'mon, Ebina, let's go."

"Ahhh! But I was in the middle of converting her!" Ebina‐san struggled vainly, only to get knocked smartly on the head and dragged off into oblivion. Y

ukinoshita watched her disappear into the distance, her expression stiff with terror. "I wonder if she was trying to recommend me something…"

"You're better off not knowing, Yukinon…" Yui answered her rather wearily.

I see, so Ebina‐san had tried proselytising her too. Not to mention that even if you did, say, make friends through BL, you'd have shipping wars, and if you tried to get chummy with someone you thought was a fujoshi, you'd never see eye to eye on just female otaku things. It wouldn't be pretty. The world of hobbies was yet another place where woe betided you.

After that, some more opinions trickled out, but no realistic plans were forthcoming. Without any stimulating debate, the number of opinions shared dropped accordingly. Source: an unmotivated class. Why did they only share their opinions when shooting me down? Those guys raised their hands way more often than they did in class, damn it.

During that moment of awkward silence, Hayama uttered one thing as if he'd realised something.

"…unless we think of a way to make everyone get along, will we ever solve the root of the problem?" he asked.

A dry laugh slipped out of me unconsciously. Hayama stared hard at me.

But this was the only time I would not avert my gaze or mumble something noncommittal. With absolute confidence on my side, I sneered at Hayama's idea to his face.

As I expected, this guy didn't get the root of the problem. The words everyone get along were the main culprit in and of itself. It was an accursed phrase.

"That is impossible. There is not one possibility of it happening." Yukinoshita's supremely cool‐headed words, coupled with her frigid tone of voice, crushed Hayama's opinions more than my sneering ever could.

With a short, terse sigh, Hayama averted his gaze. Miura, noticing this display, cried out in retaliation. "Hey, Yukinoshita‐san! What's up with you?"

"What ever do you mean?" Yukinoshita responded to Miura's rough tone with exquisite coolness. That just made Miura flare up even more.

"I'm talking about your attitude. Everyone's pushing themselves to get along here, so just why do you have to say that crap? I really don't like you one bit, but I'm putting up with you because this is supposed to be a fun trip."

"Th‐there, there, Yumiko." Yui tried to pacify Miura, who was trembling with rage.

But Yukinoshita, on the other hand, was cool as a cucumber. "Oh my, you had a surprisingly high opinion of me. I loathe you, however."

"Y‐you keep it down too, Yukinon!" Yui, who was sandwiched between them, focused on extinguishing Yukinoshita's ire this time. It takes guts, kid! You're a little firefighter! But the normal method of extinguishing fire was not always necessarily correct. From what I've heard, pouring water on a chemically induced fire makes it flare up instead. This was one of those times.

"Excuse me, Yui?" The Fiery Queen snapped her eyes open.

"…whose side are you on?" The Icy Witch called out, her tone frigid.

You could see they were strongest when you combined the two.

Yukinoshita and Miura glared at each other. But since three people sat between them, it didn't seem the situation would escalate any further, thankfully enough. Separating kids that don't get along works wonders, seriously. Since they were on opposite edges of the same row, their eyes wouldn't meet either.

From her position in the buffer zone, Komachi spoke up as if she had suddenly thought of something. "But from what I've seen of her, Rumi‐chan seems to have a pretty blunt personality, so even if we put her in a group of other elementary schoolgirls, it'll be hard for her to blend in. Don't you think she'd be able to get along with the show off‐types if she were a little older?"

Like Komachi said, Rumi was probably the type of person who would enjoy school life in the future. There was no doubt the boys would make a fuss over her, even if her relationship with the other girls never improved.

Some girls might very well notice that and want to be friends with her. Damn, thinking about this was making my blood boil.

Hayama nodded along in agreement to what Komachi said. "Yeah, she does give off a kind of cold or maybe subdued vibe."

"Cold, you say? Isn't she just sitting on her high horse? It's her condescending attitude that got her shunned. Like a certain someone we know." Miura laughed scornfully.

"You just have a persecution complex," Yukinoshita said indifferently. It didn't sound as if she was talking about just Miura. "You're aware of your inferiority, so you feel as if you're being looked down upon, am I not correct?"

Miura scowled. "Look you, it's because you say crap like that." She shot up from the bench like a rocket.

"Yumiko, stop it." Hayama's low voice stopped Miura in her tracks. Gone was his glib joking from before, replaced by steely pressure.

"Hayato… hmph!" For a moment, Miura seemed stunned at Hayama's attitude, but she backed down without resistance.

After that, she refused to open her mouth altogether. A gloomy silence fell over the proceedings. In the end, nobody was in the mood for any talking, and all we decided on was that we'd work things out the next day.

Well, I guess this was how politics worked. Still, you know how it was. If even we high schoolers couldn't get along, it was clearly beyond us to make all those elementary schoolers do the same.

pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq

-WG