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I took a bath to rinse the sweat and grime off my skin. I got out and dried myself off. While clothing myself Saika walked in and that was embarrassing. But I got over it. God was a fucking moron. Why couldn't Saika be a girl? Thats how the walk in on someone changing thing was supposed to work. But he was a guy. A guy. And he made me question my whole sexuality. Thanks for that Saika. I really needed that.
Who cares? Alan Turing was gay during the 1950s. Oh my god Alan Turing was gay during the 1950s. Poor soul. That was back when they did shit to you for being gay. Like killed you. Or made you take hormones. I think they did that to Turing. Until he killed himself.
Hayama and Tobe were already in the bungalo browsing their phones. I pulled out my phone too as I laid down on the futon. I had a lecture on the Yang Mills mass gap to watch. I didn't know much about Yang Mills theory. It was about the geometry of fundamental particles and how they decayed over time. I thought it was likely that protons decayed. They didn't in the standard model but I thought everything was weathered by entropy. Nothing withstood the one at the bottom.
In Lovecraft lore the old gods were physical manifestations of real world effects. Entropy. Chaos. Stars and black holes. A black hole was an impossibly hungry object. Yang Mills theory barely applied to singularities. Or ringularities as the case may be if the black hole was rotating. Point objects can't spin. But fundamental particles did have spin as a fundamental property. Electrons and quarks.
"Hikitani you're smart right?" Hayama asked.
"I do okay," I answered dismissively. I wasn't interested in a conversation.
"You're fluent in English and number one in math."
"Yeah. I am," I answered. "How'd you know that?"
"Wow? Seriously? Hikitani must be sick yo." Tobe went along with it.
"I'm alright."
There was a sigh. "I'm out of the bath now…" Totsuka, who had now returned to us, closed the door behind him. As he passed close beside me, wiping his still slightly dripping hair with a towel, the scent of his shampoo wafted off him. Totsuka plopped down and started drying his hair with a dryer he retrieved from his bag. Having recently been in the water, the contrast between his damp hair and flushed skin was strangely sensual. I ended up staring at him in spite of myself, entranced. Finally, Totsuka flicked his hair just to make sure it wasn't still wet, before sighing in satisfaction. "I'm done now…"
"Let's get some sleep, then," Hayama answered Totsuka.
Tobe and Totsuka started making their preparations for bed too. I didn't have to do that since I'd already rolled my futon out. Man, I must be psychic. With a great deal of effort, Totsuka carried his futon and laid it out beside me. As he patted his pillow, he glanced at me through the corner of his eyes.
"Is it… fine here?"
"…yeah."
When we got a good, hard look at each other, I could sense the awkwardness of our bathroom encounter in the air. It was embarrassing to think about. Totsuka had gotten an eyeful of me… I'd have to take responsibility. Please let me take responsibility. I wanted to be responsible.
But Totsuka didn't seem overly concerned for his part, and he rolled into his futon rather blithely. Hey, come on. In that position, we'd end up kissing if he turned over.
Having finished setting up his bed, Hayama reached his hand out towards the light switch. "I'm turning off the lights."
And with a ping, the light bulb went out.
"Man, Hayato‐kun," said Tobe. "This feels like a night on the school trip, yo."
"Yeah. Something like that." That was quite a noncommittal response. Maybe Hayama was pretty tired as well.
"…let's talk about who we like," Tobe suggested.
"I'm not in the mood." Much to my surprise, Hayama refused in no uncertain terms.
"Ahaha… it's a bit embarrassing," Totsuka laughed quietly, sounding ill at ease.
"How come?! Don't be shy. Spill the beans, yo! I've got it! I'll say who I like first." This guy was just pretending to have a conversation; he really only wanted to talk about himself… Hayama and Totsuka must have had the same impression as me, because I heard a sigh along with a dry chuckle. "The truth is, I‐" Nothing much to see here. Tobe was going to tell us all about his crush on Miura. "‐think Ebina‐san's kinda cute."
"…seriously?!" I blurted out upon hearing those unexpected words.
"Huh?" Tobe hesitated as he responded to me, as if for a moment he had no idea whose voice had called out to him. "Y‐yeah. Oh right, Hikitani‐kun's listening! I thought you were asleep since you weren't makin' a peep!"
"Yeah, but I'm surprised," said Totsuka. "I thought you liked Miura‐san, Tobe‐ kun."
"Nah, Yumiko doesn't do it for me… she scares me."
I wasn't that scared of her. I had alien monsters in my head to be frightened of. But I guess for a normal person she was scary. I liked horror. I liked my own terror. I read Lovecraft and Jinji Ito.
"But still, you only really talk to Miura‐san, don't you?" asked Totsuka.
"Oh, yeah… that's, like, 'cos I have to? He that would the daughter win, must with the mother first begin – that kind of thing."
"I don't think Miura would appreciate you saying that," I said.
But I could relate to Tobe to a surprising extent. Not being able to talk to the girl you like is something guys can understand very well.
"Yui's pretty nice too, but she's kinda air‐headed, ya know?" Oh, yeah. She was pretty air‐headed. But for someone as idiotic as him to say that was pretty much the pot calling the kettle black. "Also, it's obvious she's popular, so there's lots of competition."
Nice girls are popular. It's scary how unpopular and clueless guys are so attracted to them. They reeled you in hook, line and sinker.
Indifferent to my quiet sighing, Tobe went on. "Ebina‐san is, well, lots of guys are put off by her so that actually gives me a chance, ya know?"
It was true that Ebina‐san not only belonged to the school's top caste, she had a cute face to boot.
It was just that her unique hobbies caused guys to keep their distance from her. Still, she made no secret of her hobby, and one couldn't help but get the impression that her openness was a defence tactic to her. If she was the real deal, she'd be hiding it, I reckon.
Perhaps he realised he was talking only about himself. Tobe addressed us all directly with a question. "What about you guys?"
"You mean what girl I like?"
Totsuka thought about it. "A girl, huh? Hm. There's no one in particular." Totsuka didn't have a crush on a girl. Th‐then did he have a crush on a boy, I wonder? My heart thumped quickly.
For some reason, Tobe completely overlooked me. "What about you, Hayato‐ kun?" he said to Hayama.
"Me, I… oh, never mind."
"Hold on just a sec, Hayato‐kun. That won't do. You have a crush, don'cha? You gotta spill, man." Hayama said nothing. "Just tell us the initial," Tobe insisted. Hayama sighed resignedly.
"Y," he said, after a considerable pause.
"Y, huh. Wait, does that mean‐"
"That's enough already. It's time to sleep." Hayama's voice sounded angry for once, as if he was not about to permit any more probing. It was rare to see Hayama, who was normally so nice to everyone and his dog, get so pissed off. To put it another way, his attitude towards Tobe might be proof that he was human after all.
"I can't sleep now that I'm curious! If I die of insomnia, it's your fault, Hayato‐ kun!" Tobe waved off Hayama's anger with a light joke. These guys had the skill of manipulating the mood so that things wouldn't get too out of hand. Cracking jokes was a standard tactic for avoiding a sour mood or relationship.
What's the point of liking girls or guys for that matter? No one was going to like you back anyways. That was my thought process.
Sexuality was so dumb.
Thanks to how things had gotten so weirdly gloomy, I couldn't sleep even though everyone else had gone quiet.
When I turned over in my sleep, Totsuka's face was right there in front of me. I could hear him breathing rhythmically in his sleep.
I stared at his face. I could imagine kissing him. Bringing him home to meet my mom. I think she'd be proud I made it with anybody in general. My dad… well. He'd get over it when he saw how happy I was. The moonlight coming through the window illuminated Saika's face just so. A soft dazed smile came over his face as he wriggled slightly. He seemed happily dreaming.
As soon as I noticed it I just couldn't help being fixated on Saika's mouth. I checked my cell phone. Wtfuck it wasn't even eleven yet! I couldn't take this. Saika was just over there breathing and looking adorable.
I'm so gay. Why am I so gay? Did I have to be so gay? Why could I see myself having sex with Saika over every girl I'd ever met? I'd blow him.
I got up. I snuck outside where the fresh winds blew. The chill air woke me up and set me down. It felt good against my hot skin.
I made out the silhouette of a person. I squinted.
When the moonlight shone gently upon her, her pale skin came clearly into view. When the breeze danced, her swaying hair danced along with it. As this fairylike girl bathed in the moonlight, she began to sing – softly, oh so softly. In the chilly darkness of the forest, her quiet singing voice felt unusually pleasant to my ears.
She sounded good. It was a little enchanting. I was slightly enchanted. I stared. I wondered if I should go back. I turned around slowly. I meant to retrace my footsteps but stepped on a twig and snapped it.
The singing came to an abrupt halt. What a shame.
One, two, three seconds passed – the bare minimum amount of time for us to recognise each other's presences.
"…who is it?" Yukinoshita asked in the dark. She peered at me but must not have been able to make out my face. Her cool features narrowed as she tried to make out my shape. Like porcelain. I gave up and showed my face to Yukinoshita.
"Me." I said.
There was a pause.
"Who is it?"
"Why'd you ask the same question as before? We are kinda friends of a sort. Acquaintances? We're something."
Stop tilting your head damn it. It was adorable and it pissed me off.
"What are you doing out here at this hour? Shouldn't you be inside?"
"Disappointed I'm not having my eternal sleep?" I prodded. She scowled at me.
"Stop it." She demanded.
"Make me," I shot back. "My death is coming at the speed of light. It's inevitable."
I glanced up at the night sky. The stars so distant twinkled overhead. You could really see them out here unlike in the city. Stars were like old gods. They were like eldritch horrors. They were so powerful. Trillions of simultaneous nuclear explosions under the force of fusion and gravity. They screamed at me and they screamed the Fermi Paradox at me. We really were alone out in this bitch. We were in the most densely populated place for a hundred trillion light years. Yet Yukinoshita and I were alone.
"Were you stargazing?" I asked Yukinoshita. "They are rather bright tonight. The Milkyway is beautiful."
"That's not quite what I was doing," she let loose a gloomy sight. "I had something of a run-in with Miura-san…" her face was downcast and looking depressed. "I demolished her argument in half an hour and made her cry. I did something very unbecoming…"
"So naturally, you ended up feeling bad and came out here."
"Indeed. I never thought for a moment that she'd cry… Yuigahama‐san is comforting her as we speak." I caught a glimpse of self‐reflection.
Perhaps even the great Yukinoshita was weak to tears. Wow, next time I should stop caring what other people think and just bawl my eyes out. Not a good look.
Yukinoshita smoothed down her hair, as if to signal she was changing the topic. "That girl… we need to do something about her."
"You're really going out of your way for a girl you don't even know."
"We've been doing things solely for people we don't know this whole time. I don't extend a helping hand to people I know through association. Besides… don't you think she resembles Yuigahama‐san somewhat?"
"You think so?" I asked.
I thought it more resembled her herself.
"I think… Yuigahama‐san might have gone through something like this before."
So that's how it was. Yui was more involved in classroom politics. It could have happened. I saw it. I bobbed my head agreeably. Yui was sweet. She extended a helping hand. I mean… she did so out of fear and cowardice but she still wanted to help people. It was built on a negative. I got that. It was like my refusal to lose.
"Also…" Casting her eyes downwards, Yukinoshita kicked a pebble near her feet lightly with her toes. "I doubt Hayama‐kun will ever get his mind off it," she said at length.
"Yeah, he does have his mind on it, I guess."
"That's not it…" Yukinoshita said uncertainly. As soon as she spoke, her words were swallowed by the sounds of the forest, leaving silence in their wake.
"Hey, did something happen with you and Hayama?"
When I voiced my question out of slight curiosity, Yukinoshita answered perfectly evenly as if it was nothing. "We went to the same elementary school, that's all. Our parents know each other as well. His father is the legal advisor for our company. His mother's a doctor, by the way."
So the pretty boy riajuu from an elite family, an all‐round sportsman with top‐ notch grades, also had a beautiful girl as his childhood friend.
I rolled my eyes. Some things clicking into place in my head. I suppose you couldn't have everything. You could have close but not everything.
"Sounds like a pain," I commented with a shrug as though to say 'what can you do?'
"I suppose so," Yukinoshita agreed.
"You make it seem like a non-issue for you. I thought after our conversations it would matter more to you."
"It doesn't. Not really. It's more in my sister's wheelhouse."
"Got it," I tried to understand. I didn't truly though. "There's things I cling to and try to do good for. I don't really have that sort of responsibility. I couldn't handle it."
"You underestimate yourself. I think you'd do well."
"Not really," I denied.
"You handle your family well."
"Barely. My parents can find my corpse."
"Stop it!"
"No," I refused. "Get used to it. Or don't. Your call."
She glowered at me. She looked away before I did. "We should be heading back now."
"You can," I agreed halfway. "I think I'll stargaze for a while. See you later."
"Then I shall say goodnight." She turned and left me in the little clearing. I watched her go for a moment. I shook it off. Starlight was a relic of the distant past. When we looked up we saw ghosts. Old ghosts. Old gods. Ancient eldritch horrors. The light took years to reach us. Cry out as loud as you could and there would be nothing after a short while. Whispers in the night. Our radio signals were getting quieter. After a couple hundred lightyears they would be noise. Did that explain the great silence? I thought not. It didn't explain the Dyson Dilemma.
There was no expanding wave of darkness in any galaxy. And we could see hundreds of billions. It was so quiet up there in the night sky. It made one think depressing thoughts. I allowed my thoughts to fall on the one at the bottom. I could hear the mad whistling.
I was alone.
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-WG
