Finally some non-canon goodness. I couldn't help but double post. Forgive me.

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After Tsurumi Rumi saved her 'friends' from Hayama I went home without any event. The drive back out of the mountains was long and boring. We ran into Yukinoshita's sister once we arrived back in town. I had an interesting conversation with Hayam which wasn't worth dwelling on. He seemed to see me as human and I suppose I recognized him right back. I wasn't much about recognizing humans. I could hardly recognize myself in my mirror.

I sighed heavily. I knocked on the door. Yukinoshita answered after just a moment. I pulled my earbuds out of my ears and tapped the wire to pause the music playing from my phone. She looked away from me for a moment as I stared her down.

"Well?" I asked. "You wanted to talk."

She bobbed her head and let me into her apartment. It was bigger than my family's whole house.

"You know this would have been easier to set up if you had my contact info."

Yui had gotten into contact with me on Yukinoshita's account. Yukinoshita held out her hand expectantly. "Your phone, then."

I handed it to her. She quickly input her contact information and handed it back. I put it in a deep pocket.

"So what's this about?" I demanded. "You would hardly invite me to your place over some simple thing. Has to be complicated." I'd rode my bike over easily enough. I never said it outright but I'd do quite a bit for Yukinoshita. She wanted me to cling to life and reason. She wanted my blood on her hands. I could return the favor.

"It's about Yui."

"Okay? What about her?"

Yukinoshita paused and looked away. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Coffee?" I asked.

"I have tea."

"Tea works."

She set about making it in her giant kitchen. I took a seat while I waited in front of a large coffee table in her enormous living room.

I glanced at the art on the walls. There was this surreal abstract that caught my eye. Splashes of color to it. A vague thing. "Your apartment is nice. I'm worried I'm going to break something."

"Everything in here is quite durable."

"Everything except you at the moment."

"I'm durable."

"Sure are. But everyone has moments of weakness. That's why you invited me. So spill."

She handed me a warm mug and I sipped at it.

Yukinoshita was wearing a skirt and a nice white shirt. I was in a v-neck and jeans. My Hikigaya standard. She sat opposite me.

"Like I mentioned, it's about Yuigahama."

"So it is. It's that type of thing, is it? And you want… my advice? For whatever you're dealing with with her? Not to be a nudge but I'm not sure how much I can help. With whatever problem you're having."

She bobbed her head in agreement once more. She looked distant in her eyes. I sipped my tea absently.

"She makes me feel… rather strange. She slept on me," Yukinoshita whispered.

"And you liked it." I interpreted. At her look I expanded. "It's okay. I saw you. You liked it. You didn't really tell her off. You like Yui sleeping on you. So what?"

"So someone getting so close to me has made me feel… it's made me feel."

"Okay. What does it make you feel? How do you feel about Yui?"

"I'm really not sure. It's confusing. That's where I thought you could help."

"I'm not the best at handling my own feelings. Let alone whatever complicated thing you have going on with Yui."

"My heart aches when I look at her sometimes." Yukinoshita confessed.

I paused. I wasn't sure what to say to that.

"Like…?" I trailed off.

"I'm not sure what it's like. But I didn't have anyone else to talk to."

"What about your sister?"

She made a face and opened her mouth.

"Okay. Not your sister." I interrupted.

She blinked at me. "You're not curious?"

"It's not my business. Your relationship with your sister seems confusing and deeply personal."

"And yours isn't?" She bit out.

"Komachi shares herself with the world. It's a good thing. Reminds me that there's still good I want to do."

"Like being here?"

"If you need me. I'm not sure you do."

"I think I do. I think you would understand."

"So Yui."

"Yuigahama. Yes. She… I don't know."

"My heart ached when I saw her sleeping on your shoulder," I confessed. "You looked sweet together."

She blinked at me.

"Yuigahama is sweet. And kind. She has a big heart."

"She was the first person past my sister to really give a shit about my symptoms. Well, there was you. But that was more distant."

"I'm more distant," she murmured.

"You are. Though I'm not entirely sure that's your fault."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it could be a survival trait in a family like yours. Without prying into your family."

"Maybe… but does it come across to Yuigahama that way?"

"You cook with her. Don't you? How does she act then? When you two are alone."

Yukinoshita rubbed her cheek absently. "She's very affectionate."

"And not to sound like a therapist but how does that make you feel?"

Heat rose to her face. "What do you mean?"

"Well, do you like it? Or would you prefer she held you at arms length?"

"I like it," Yukinoshita whispered. "I just… never really had that before."

"Me neither," I agreed. "I mean there was you briefly before Yui but you didn't, like, care about me like that. And Hiratsuka-sensei. But that's different."

"I care about you now…" Yukinoshita murmured.

"You do," I agreed. "And I suppose I care about you right back. Makes it a bit harder to kill myself but that's all."

"Must you talk like that?"

"I suffer, Yukinoshita. I have to die somehow."

"Not for decades if you didn't want to."

"But I do want to," I purred.

She glowered. "Don't do that."

"Make me." I shot back. "I'm a mediocre dude. I'm allowed to be a bit of a creep. As a treat."

"You think you're mediocre?"

"Mediocre at best. And I'm very rarely at my best."

"How was today?"

"Eh."

"A number."

"Like a four or a five. Not so bad. The paranoid thoughts crept up on me a little. Hallucinations we're pretty low. So Yui makes your heart ache. Good or bad?"

"Good. I think."

"That's good."

"You think so?"

"I mean, yeah. Better than it hurting bad, right?" I confirmed.

"Jury is still out on whether it's good or bad for me to feel this way," she didn't quite disagree.

"You think maybe it's a bad thing? That it feels good?"

"If something is too good to be true it usually is," she pointed out. I nodded. I took a sip of my tea.

"It made your heart ache to look at her sleeping on my shoulder," she went on. "Good or bad?"

"I'm not sure. You two were adorable. It hurt to see you two being so sweet on one another. Like staring at the sun."

"But that's different."

"Why?" I asked.

"You're a man."

"So?"

"So two girls being sweet on one another is good for you."

"But not for you?"

"I'm a girl."

"Again. So what? What you and Yui have is nice."

"But that's different from what you and Yui have. And it's definitely different from what you and I have."

"I don't think that has to be a bad and confusing thing. Seems pretty straightforward. We all care about each other. That's nice as far as I'm concerned."

"Except for the part where you plan to kill yourself."

"Well…" I stammered. I was caught a little.

"Well?" She pressed.

"I have to die. I may as well go out on my terms," I murmured.

"So this is because you feel helpless. A desperate attempt at control."

"A little. It's also because I suffer and I'm pathetic."

"You're not pathetic. You're strong."

I looked away from her.

"I admire your hunger and your strength," she hammered me. "It would be one thing if you were full but you're starving."

"It hurts," I almost whimpered. Not quite but almost.

"It does. Yes."

I met her gaze again. I met it with tired apathy. "You're hungry too. To change the world. To reshape it in your image. I never wanted that. It would come with some of the things I wanted to do in mathematics but I never wanted that sort of power."

It was her turn to look away.

"You're ambitious and power hungry. And you're cunning enough to do it too. I think Yui is good for you. Keep you grounded. It doesn't have to be confusing. It doesn't have to be a bad type of hurt. Have you considered talking to her about this?"

She still wouldn't meet my eye. But she said, "how could I?"

"Why not?"

"It would be…"

"It would be hard. I won't lie to you. That's some hard bullshit. But it would be more honest and it would mean everything to her."

"Not everything."

"Okay so it isn't that simple. But nothing is that simple. Since when has something being complicated held you back? Like the Gordian knot. Slice that crap. That's what you do to my bullshit."

"I don't know what I feel though. How do I tell her that?"

"Tell her she makes you feel good. Which is difficult. Don't get me wrong. Start with what you know. That's what we do in proofs. We start from the bottom. She could help you more than I can. She gets emotions better than we do."

"Maybe so. She's so… energetic. It's hard not to admire that about her."

"Plus it's adorable how ditzy she is," I pointed out.

"You really think she's cute?" A bit of a loaded question coming from Yukinoshita.

I thought about how I wanted to respond.

"She has pretty eyes and hair," I decided to settle with. "I was actually intentionally avoiding the word cute because of our history with that word. But yes. I think she's cute. But she's also sweet which is vastly more important."

"Am I sweet?"

"You can be. Rarely to me but you can be. You're made of stern stuff. And I think that's your family at work. It makes it more difficult. Your sweetness that is. But you can be. Especially to Yui."

"What about to you?"

"I think the deepest abyss is quite shallow compared to what lurks in the hearts of men. I get what I deserve when it comes to you."

"What lurks in your heart Hikigaya?"

"You already know." I was this wretched starving thin thing with black eyes and sharp teeth on one end. I was a tentacle. A devouring maw of dream-doom where the grinning mists yawned. I crawled out of one of Lovecraft's books. I was a black hole. Endless and devouring and hungry. I was paradoxical.

Yukinoshita had three eyes and no mouth. She had six black wings and a sharp nose. Feathers on her wings were sleeked back and were well oiled and groomed. She was like me. A monster of some sort. She was many faceted like a diamond well cut. The light reflected oddly off her where I swallowed it whole. She looked brilliant. She looked beautiful.

"Yui isn't like us," Yukinoshita whispered.

"No. She's whole. Or at least more whole."

Yui was brilliant like a ruby or garnet. She had a dozen mouths with brilliant smiling teeth murmuring at a soft whisper. She was a burning wheel which spun round and round. She was still a creature. Just deeper. Buried. In disguise. She changed shape just to hide in this place but she was still an angel. She tried to shift but she was still an angel. She fit in. She made friends. Even out of monsters like Yukinoshita and I. That's what Yui was really like. That's what she was like on the inside. She shone brighter than either Yukinoshita or I with a big pulsing red heart in the middle which bled for people she'd never even met. Like Rumi.

"I think what you two have is nice. I wouldn't over analyze it. I try not to over analyze it when it comes to my relationship with her. I don't always succeed. But that's what I try to do. So that's my advice. She makes you feel good. Lean into that feeling."

"Is that wise?" Yukinoshita croaked.

"I think so."

"That isn't what you do. You sprint towards the things which make you uncomfortable."

"Yeah." I agreed. "And I'm fucking miserable."

She nodded slowly. I reached out and grabbed her by the hand. I stroked over her soft skin with my thumb. She met my gaze.

"It doesn't have to be like that." She pointed out.

"Sorta. I can't really explain it but that's the way that I am. I'm masochistic."

"Do you lean into your relationship with Yui?" She asked me.

"I do now. I didn't before. It made me uncomfortable to have someone get close to me. Still does. It does with you too. I'm trying to be better about it."

"But you still want to die."

"Yes. I want that."

"I just feel like we haven't exhausted all our options. You don't need to die. Surely you can see that."

"How long am I supposed to want to live like this?" I demanded.

"With me, Yui, and Komachi? As long as you are able."

"It burns me. I'm not like you… you people. I'm barely a person if I am one at all."

"You're the most human person I've ever met. You never lie. Not even to yourself. Even if it hurts you. I'm starting to think you're physically incapable of lying."

"And that makes me human? That makes life worth living?"

"Don't I and Yui and your sister matter to you?"

"Of course you do. That doesn't save me from the horrors I inflict on myself."

"Can't you see it doesn't have to be that way?"

"But it does have to be that way. Enough, Yukinoshita. This makes me tired. This conversation. What Yui and you have is nice. You don't need me."

"I'm starting to think that I do…" she trailed off. I let go of her petite hand. I rubbed my eyes hard.

"Don't do this to me…" I begged. I think that shocked her. "Don't make my death harder than it has to be. It's just a passing breeze. This light will fade. And when it does I must go. I must go."

"You don't have to. You could stay with Yui and I. And your sister."

"Leave my sister out of this. I left yours out."

She glared. "That isn't why you left her out."

"It's close enough. Yukinoshita…"

"Yes?"

"I hate being alive. This thing where I'm awake and conscious is wrong. It feels wrong. It feels bad. I just want to sleep the millennia away. Let the eternities pass me by. I want to sleep."

"Death isn't sleep."

"It's close enough. Everyone is having a party. And I'm in the corner wondering if it's rude to leave early."

"Yes. Killing yourself is rude if it's nothing else."

"Just a quick step outside. Just to get a breath of fresh air."

"Stop it! Stop being so casual about your own death and trying to make it sound pleasant. It's awful. Whenever you do that it's awful."

"Make me," I repeated. "Yukinoshita, it isn't personal."

"Yes it is. You're doing this to me and Yuigahama and Komachi. It's very personal what you're proposing to do to yourself."

"It's my business. I didn't choose how I was born. I'm going to choose how I die. It's my tombstone and I get to choose the second date."

"What I want from you is hard but no harder than me telling Yuigahama how I feel. If I can do that, you can cling to life."

"I don't want to cling to my little half life, though. I want to eat shit and die."

"Please don't do it soon. Give me more time. You have to give me more time."

"How long?"

She didn't immediately answer.

"How long?" I demanded in the silence.

"Until you don't feel this way anymore."

"I'm sick Yukinoshita. I'm warped. I don't like waking up. It isn't comfortable."

"Do you need to be coddled?"

"I need more than this," I protested. "This isn't fair. I didn't come over here for this. I came to help you with Yui."

"You're twisting history. You're here because I invited you."

"I'll leave," I threatened. "You wanted my advice with Yui and I gave it to you. I don't need this lecture on something you don't understand."

"Help me understand. What do you need that you're not getting?"

"I need these bugs to get out of my eyes, throat, and ears. I need the voices to stop. I need to not see shadows. I need to know the world the way everyone else seems capable of but it's just denied me. I don't know what's real and what's not. What does it mean for a memory to be real? How do you know other people are real?"

"Because I can see you. I can hear you. I can… I can touch you." She grabbed my hand. I flinched. Her touch felt sickening and repulsive. It had the slick texture of a hallucination.

"That's not good enough for me." I managed in protest.

"What would it take?"

"Nothing. Nothing is good enough. There is no way for you to prove you aren't an automaton. There's no way to prove that math is real. There's no way to prove that anything is real. So it probably isn't real. And that's what hurts the most. I'm probably not real. So why does it matter if I die?"

"It'll hurt me for you to die. I'd miss you. Your sister would miss you."

"My sister is an excellent way to hurt me."

"What do you mean?"

"If I was god and I wanted to hurt me I'd probably use something like my sister. Don't you see? God is the enemy."

"You can't think like that."

"I can and do. I totally can. My parents. You and Yui. Even Saika. Great ways of hurting me. God is not on our side. It isn't like us people. It ain't like us. It's cruel. It's a mad whistling thing at the nucleus of creation. It gave birth to the stars and will one day devour them. That's what god is like. That's what the one at the bottom is like."

"You're at the bottom of yourself."

"No. I'm the one in the middle. I'm not the one at the top. I'm not the one at the bottom. I'm the one in the middle."

"How can I convince you that you're real? That your life has value?"

"You can't. You will fail," I leveled.

"I've never failed at anything."

"You can't do this. It's too much to expect from yourself. Just let me go. It's easier that way."

"But you make me feel good too…" she whispered.

"What?" I wondered openly.

"Do I need to repeat myself? You heard me."

"I don't…" I stammered.

"You make me feel good too," she repeated.

"I…" I trailed. I just stared at her.

"You wanted me to lean into it."

"I did. With Yui. Not with… not with me."

"But you make me feel good too. I feel less lonely with you."

"I…" I had nothing for this. She rubbed my hand with her thumb. It still tasted like a hallucination. I recoiled from her at that. I set my tea down and stood up. I rubbed my whole head with my hands. I held my head in my arms. When I turned to face her she was just looking at me, man. I looked away again.

"Does that make you feel… bad?" She asked. "That you make me feel good?"

"Yes," I hissed. "And no."

"Unhelpful…" she trailed. "I'm sure you make Yui feel good too."

I hissed again out through my teeth. The association hurt.

"I can't handle this," I protested. I made for the door.

"Wait!" Yukinoshita protested. I hesitated with one hand outstretched towards the door handle. "Don't… don't I make you feel good?" She pressed.

"You do. Yes," I answered, still paused with my hand outstretched.

"Isn't that enough reason to let me try and save you?"

I sighed. I didn't like this. This made me feel… it made me feel all sorts of weird. "I feel…" I paused. "I feel less lonely. With you, too. Even just working on my figures while you read a book. In the clubroom. Your company feels nice even when you don't say anything."

"Let me try to save you. Please. At least give me this school year."

"Fine. I promise not to kill myself until next summer."

"And then?"

"I make no promises."

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-WG