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"So sleep paralysis and nightmares…"
"That's right," I told my psychiatrist.
"That's pretty bad…"
"I agree."
"I have your genetics test."
"Oh?" I wondered. I was a touch more patient. I wasn't on that cursed vraylar anymore.
"You have a gene deletion which makes you prone to dopamine uptake inhibition. It should make you resistant to most of our medications and makes you prone to psychosis."
"Would my sister have it?"
"Maybe… why? How is your relationship with your sister?"
"Good. It's the best. I wanna know if she's going to be like me. I wasn't always like this."
"We would need to run a genetics test on her to see. Genes aren't an on or off thing, more like an interwoven tapestry. There's no gene for height or intelligence, or at least no single gene. It's a mess. This gene deletion could be the source of our problems or it could be nothing."
"But you have a better idea of what medications I'll respond to now?"
"I do. I'm going to try another of our atypical antipsychotics called saphris. It comes with the usual risks as well as a chance of weight gain but I think it's our best bet."
"Okay," I agreed.
"How close are you to your sister Hikigaya?"
"The closest. She knew about my symptoms before anyone else did. She was the only one who cared enough."
"Your parents seem to care plenty."
"My mom sure does. I think my dad could take or leave me."
"So you don't get along well with your father?"
"I think we do. He's distant, at least to me. That makes it hard."
"I see…"
"Why all the pressure into my family life?" I wondered.
"It comes part and parcel with your mental health. How well do you get along with family. How do you do socially. These are critical to understanding your particular case."
"I see," I managed.
"Do you?" She pressed.
"I think I do. If I was antisocial and whatnot it could be a problem or a result of my psychosis."
"Are you antisocial?"
"I would describe myself that way. Yes. I have friends. Now. I didn't used to. I was a pretty antisocial butterfly through middle school and my first year of high school."
"Do you see your friends often?"
"Often enough for me. I go to a club after school and two of them are there. These two girls. Then there's Saika who I see occasionally."
"Do you see him in school or out of school occasionally?"
"Both," I shrugged. "We hung out over the summer a little and I have class with him. What do I do with my old medications?"
"You can bring them in to me. I'll dispose of them."
"Okay. I'll do that. You don't have my brain scans yet?"
"No. Not yet. You just took them, correct?"
"I did, yes."
"Well I'll have your mother sign a release on those so I can see them. But nothing stood out to the technicians who took the tests?"
"Not that I know of…" I trailed off. "If I had a big ass tumor they probably would have said something, huh."
"Probably," she agreed. "The electroencephalogram is a little tricky but for the MRI we should know by now if something was there."
"Sounds good."
"I'll get you some saphris samples. Start at five milligrams for five days then escalate to ten milligrams then go to twenty. I'll write up your prescription and send it to your pharmacy."
"Okay, I'll do that."
"I'll see you in two weeks, Hikigaya. Let me know how you're tolerating this saphris."
"Sounds like a plan," I stood to leave the office.
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I took the saphris. It dissolved under my tongue in a sweet black cherry flavor. I wasn't supposed to eat or drink for ten minutes after taking it. It said so on the box. I could literally feel certain parts of my brain becoming less active as it went straight to my brain. I felt a little tired from it. It wasn't dissimilar to the clonazepam I was also taking as much as possible.
I felt a quiver from my hand. A hallucination of a bug. I glanced down to see an actual bug crawling across my hand. I jumped and flicked it off. That was strange. I thought it was a hallucination but it was an actual spider. Fuck. I just hadn't cared that much.
I think that's what the drugs did. They just made it so I no longer cared about the hallucinations. It was good stuff. I liked it. Clonazepam was sometimes taken recreationally. I could definitely see the appeal. It was sweet tasting and made me calmer. Almost asleep. I felt half awake. It was good shit.
So far I liked the saphris. I liked it too much. You know how they used to prescribe heroin to psychotics? This was familiar to that. I couldn't exactly prove it but in thirty or forty years it wouldn't surprise me at all if they looked back on saphris in horror. Like I said, I couldn't prove it but it felt right. It twisted me in an odd way which I kinda liked. I liked how it shut down certain parts of my brain and started others in their place.
What was I to do?
And I felt like I could focus through the drowsiness with some effort. Like a knife through butter. It didn't make me less afraid of those hungry alien gods. It didn't make me less afraid of death, though, perhaps that was a good thing.
It meant i was less likely to kill myself. Even though I had to kill myself at some point. I had to die somehow and I may as well be the one to do it.
My phone buzzed a little. Just a little vibration.
I glanced at it. It was Hiratsuka sensei. I heard you started treatment.
I typed back. Where'd you hear that from?
Your sister.
Oh right. They were all chummy. All buddy buddy. Yeah. I did.
I heard there were other drugs involved.
There were. I responded.
I could practically feel the judgment. It was an incredible weight. As harsh as my father's glares which I had been catching more and more of.
Do you really think that was a good idea?
I thought it couldn't hurt. Opioids and thc. Almost pure of both. Vicodin and dabs. I typed. It wasn't a big deal. Even if my phone got wiretapped there was no evidence anymore. Nothing which would hold up in court anyway. Just hearsay and speculation from a highschooler.
So you were abusing yourself. Was her response.
Well. 'Abusing.' I typed back.
Definitely abusing yourself. But you're better now?
So far I'm liking this current batch. I like it a lot. I think this is about the same as abusing myself alone. I think in thirty years the current batch will be looked back upon with horror. Like giving a person heroin for psychosis. I like it a lot.
You said that twice.
It didn't stop being true. I can feel it deactivating parts of my brain and making me sleepy.
That's no good.
I can focus through it with some effort. It isn't so different from the opioids I was doing.
But those were bad for you.
Less than one percent of people actually get addicted. It just helped me sleep on my bad days.
Bad. For. You.
Okay.
You don't seem to believe it.
I was on course to be valedictorian on those drugs. Now we'll see. I was fine and content. The batch before this one gave me sleep paralysis and nightmares. It wasn't good. It was really really bad.
Isn't thc a propsychotic?
Evidently. That's what my psychiatrist said. It took me a while to reach a point where it didn't drive me crazy to be on it.
That's no good.
I miss it.
You won't use, will you?
I more or less promised I wouldn't. My word is good.
That's true. But you like your current meds?
I do. So much. One of them is a benzo though.
What's wrong with that?
Benzodiazepines are addictive even at low dosages and in the long term turn your brain to swiss cheese at the molecular level.
That's pretty bad.
I like it and it was prescribed. Not so different from what I was doing to myself.
It's plenty different.
Not really.
They wouldn't prescribe you something bad.
They might. It's certainly profitable to get young people addicted to medications.
That's a pretty poor attitude to take.
Yeah well it's mine.
You should try to be more positive.
Not really sure that's in the cards for me. You seen Ebina-san's script for the play?
No. Should I have?
Not sure. It looks like hot garbage.
Are you trying to change the subject?
To the very best of my ability. Yes.
Well stop it.
Sure.
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-WG
