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I picked up my phone and stared at it. I'd promised I would be which to call? Yukinoshita with her hard gaze? Or Yui with those big fucking eyes.
I made my choice.
I dialed Yukinoshita. I could stomach her disapproval. Yui's tears would be too much.
She picked up after three rings.
"Hello?" She spoke into her end of the speaker. Her voice was gorgeous. It was soft. It wasn't something like Yui's and full of life and love. It was cold and cool. Crisp like chill coffee.
"Yukinoshita," I started. I didn't finish.
"Hikigaya," she greeted and there was something a touch warmer in her voice. "Keeping new promises?"
"Yes. I feel it."
"I did some reading," she began.
"Okay." I led on.
"Can you snap a rubber band or hold an ice cube?"
"Snap a rubber band," I echoed.
"Against your skin," she clarified.
"I want pain. Not a light stinging sensation. Pain, Yukinoshita."
"You don't deserve that."
I let out a low creepy chuckle.
"Stop that," she cut off. "What was funny this time?"
"Well you're right. I don't deserve the pleasure that is pain. I deserve reality. Cold and sober."
"What's wrong with sobriety?"
"I prefer my reality to go down smooth. Well lubricated."
"And I take it sobriety is… more jagged."
"It hurts more," I shrugged. "Not a good pain."
"And cutting is? A good pain?"
"It so is. I'm going to start now."
"Start what?" She demanded.
"Start cutting myself." I had my razor blades. I answered her calmly.
"You promised to stop!"
"I promised to call." I disagreed. "And I did. This was a nice chat."
"Think about Yui," she urged desperately.
I at once winced. There was a reason I had called Yukinoshita and not Yui. It would break her too big heart.
She had a heart bigger than my whole soul. That was the real reason I was a dog compared to her. Not just because she was a good person.
I said nothing.
"I'll reach out to your sister," she threatened. It was meaningless. My sister would be helpless to stop this.
"Leave my sister out of this. I leave your sister out of your issues."
"Yes but you don't do it out of courtesy to me. You do it because my sister makes you uncomfortable," she pointed out.
"It's both," I disagreed. I set my phone down and set it to speaker mode.
I sliced my wrist with my razor. Once. Just the once. The pain throbbed through my skull. It felt nice. Better than nice. I could feel it in my skull. I gasped.
"What? What'd you just do?" She demanded.
"I put you on speaker and sliced myself," I answered calmly.
"What?"
"I put you on speaker and sliced myself," I repeated.
"What the fuck Hikigaya?!"
"I've been open and clear."
"What about the ants?" She tried desperately.
"What about them?"
"Crawling on the page. The ants."
"I recall." I sliced myself and gasped aloud.
"Is this really what the god told the man the meaning of life is. The purpose of life cannot be to hurt yourself."
"Why not?"
"Why not?!"
"Why not?"
"Because that cannot be the reason for life it just can't."
"Why not? What are the odds that the universe exists?"
"What?"
"What are the odds the universe exists? Is it more likely the universe exists or that it doesn't."
"I don't understand. Isn't it obvious the universe exists? You're scaring me Hikigaya."
"I don't mean to frighten. But is it possible that the whole universe is a lie? That whoever is running this shit show for real, the one at the bottom, the one at the top, whatever you want to call them, isn't it possible they are lying to you? That this universe is not what it seems. You are being deceived, Yukinoshita. There isn't anything for any of us here but pain. And if I must be in pain, and indeed I must be in pain, I may as well enjoy it."
"You think God tells the man a lie?"
"No more than the man told the ant a lie. So a little. We lie to children in schools to teach them. And then we expand on those teachings later. Did we really lie to them or did we teach them as much as they could handle at a time? Sometimes little lies help us grasp the full picture. So the man lied to the ant. And God lied to the man."
"That's not the same as being deceived."
"That's not the same as being told the truth either."
I sliced across my skin and gasped once more. I let out a little moan. I wasn't sure the microphone picked it up but Yukinoshita was quiet. Dead quiet.
"You never lie," Yukinoshita cut.
"I at times don't tell the full truth either. I am deceiving you Yukinoshita."
"I trust you."
"You shouldn't. That's a mistake."
"Maybe. But it's my decision. Nobody gets to make it for me."
I nodded. I could respect that even if I disagreed. I told her as much.
"It's important," she insisted.
"I agree," and I did. "It's important to, with our two feet, take possession of this world. It's important to take a stand. Even If it's for a lie."
"Talking to you is hell sometimes."
"I'm going to hell," I claimed.
"Why? You're a good person. You're just a little mixed up."
"Is that what we're calling it?"
"Yes. You're sick, Hikigaya. But you're kind."
"That's not why I'm going to hell though. I'm going to hell because I bet a fiddle of gold against my soul that I could beat the devil at a logic game."
"What game?"
"I'm not sure I should tell you. It's literally dangerous knowledge. You'd be in mathematically more danger knowing than not knowing. I'd spare you that."
"I'll decide what I do and don't know. You don't get to decide what's best for me," she fired.
"Oh? But you get to decide what is best for me?" I shot back.
"Cutting yourself is not the same."
"It actually is. This knowledge is that dangerous. It could send you to hell."
"Tell me anyway."
"No. I don't think so…" I trailed off. I sliced myself and moaned again.
"Holy shit! Stop it! Stop cutting yourself and enjoying it!"
"No. I like it. I enjoy my own pain and suffering. I suffer, Yukinoshita. Enjoying the waves that come with it is the least I can do."
"What game did you play with the devil?" She demanded.
"We played AI in the box. One person plays the role of a person. The other plays the role of a trapped AI. The goal is to convince the human that you are sentient and should be let out of the box. I played the human and Satan played the role of the AI."
"And this thing beat you?"
"I let it out of the box because it threw a basilisk at me so intense it woke God up. Do you know what a basilisk is, Yukinoshita?"
"It sounds familiar…"
"It's a thought trap. A logic puzzle. One that once you grasp it, it gets you. It's named after the mythical lizard which can kill you with its stare."
"And this thought trap, now that you've grasped it, it has you?"
"Yes and no. The relationship is symbiotic."
"And that's why you won't tell me? You're worried it will get me too? That I'll fall for the thought trap?"
"Precisely."
"That should be my decision."
"Yeah well it's not. I can shield you from it. Therefore I should shield you from it. I'd shield my little sister from it."
"I'm not your fucking sister Hikigaya."
"I care about you," I whispered.
"What?"
"You want me to repeat myself? I care about you, Yukinoshita. So I would endeavor to shield you from this pain."
"What about Yui?"
"She might not grasp the basilisk and so would be safe. If the basilisk doesn't think it can blackmail you it has no reason to attempt to do so. I'm done by the way."
"Done what?"
"Cutting myself. That's enough for today. Everything in moderation."
"Oh now you're a Buddhist?"
"Let go or be dragged, Yukinoshita."
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-WG
