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(Yukinoshita PoV)
I called Yui just after Hikigaya hung up on me. I wiped the tears from my eyes. I didn't think he'd be desperate enough to cut that he'd actually call one of us. I thought the threat would keep him in line. Belatedly I realized he only promised to call the next time he felt like cutting. Not every time he felt like cutting. The cords I'd tried binding him with were fraying thin.
Yui picked up "Yahallo Yukinon!"
"It's not good news, Yuigahama." I sniffed back tears. I wasn't going to cry. I had to be strong.
"Yukinon?"
"He cut again. He called me and cut while we're talking. I couldn't convince him to stop."
"Yukinon…"
"I'm sorry Yui. He called me and not you because he knew I'd be unable to stop him."
"I'm sure you tried your best, Yukinon…"
"That's not good enough!" I raised my voice into the microphone slightly.
"Yukinon…"
"I heard him moan while he cut himself."
"That must have been hard on you…"
"This isn't about me."
"Your feelings about all this are valid and important Yukinon. They matter to me. How'd it make you feel when he cut?"
"This isn't about me!" I protested a little louder. "How do we get him to stop?!"
"We love him, Yukinon."
My breath stopped in my throat. My heart beat fast.
I could hear it in my ears. I choked back a sob.
"That's how we do it. There are unhelpful slogans like 'your skin isn't paper don't cut it.' But that's all they are. We have to prove it hurts us too. And we do it without saying 'please stop, for us.' We prove we care. And we do that by staying by his side even when he hurts himself."
"You're not mad? That he cut and I failed?" I demanded surprised.
"I love you, Yukinon." My heart stopped. "I'm sure you tried your best. And I'm hurt on his behalf. He isn't feeling the pain right now so I'll feel it for him, if I can."
I half laughed and half choked on a sob.
"Yukinon?"
"It hurts. I love you too, Yuigahama."
"Can you call me Yui?"
"Yes. Can you come over?" I wondered. It was about midday on a Saturday. Hikigaya cut himself early.
"Of course I can. I'll be right there. It'll be okay, Yukinon."
I tried to remain strong but I was collapsing. And maybe leaning into Yui was the right move. She was empathetic and kind. Hikigaya told me to lean in. It hurt more that way but it also made me feel warm. And my heart beat faster. Now comes warm red blood banishing the cold. I hung up on Yui and stood up. The rush of emotions and blood made me dizzy as I tried to stand for a moment. My vision tunneled. Eventually I was able to move. I examined myself in the bathroom mirror. My eyes were red and puffy. This wouldn't do for Yui at all. But what makeup could be applied? I abandoned that idea. There was nothing to be done. And maybe… maybe it wasn't so bad to be vulnerable in front of Yui. I had been vulnerable in front of Hikigaya and that had felt… nice. It was complicated but it felt nice. It had hurt but it had been a good kind of hurt. And it got him to promise not to kill himself before the school year ended. it had been overall a benefit. Leaning into Yui would be hard but I could do it. It took a certain kind of strength to appear vulnerable. I could be that strong. And Hikigaya…
He was a bridge. What was good about him was that he was a tightrope between something terrible and something terrific. He was both. He was brutishly ugly but he had a sharp mind which genuinely cared about me. And it's not like he was ugly ugly. He looked fine. Nothing to write home about but he was fine looking. It was that twisted mind which entranced me. It was almost alien. It didn't care about living. It cared about higher order ideals. It cared about higher order problems. It cared about how God would explain the universe to a man. It didn't care about the world. Though it was of this world. It sought higher knowledge. Hidden secrets. Esoteric truths. Mathematics was just an avenue to that end. His thought experiments were just an avenue to that end. Whatever devils he toyed with and now trapped him weren't something simple. They belonged to the loftiest realms of thought. He was deep. He was a deep person.
There came a knock at my door. I opened it.
"Oh Yukinon…" Yui murmured taking in my appearance.
"Something to drink?" I offered.
"Don't do that," Yui managed. She embraced me deeply and I breathed in the scent of her sweet shampoo. I held her back. As she pulled away she kissed me on the cheek. Once. Just the once. I hiccupped back a sob. My face fell to my hands.
"I couldn't stop him!" I sobbed.
"It's okay. It must have hurt a lot."
"I really tried and tried but I couldn't stop him!"
"Oh Yukinon." She pushed into the apartment. I followed her. My eyes ran with tears. I couldn't stop them despite my shame. When he had moaned. He liked it. When he moaned…
"If only he called you…" I whimpered.
"He did it on purpose," Yui countered. "Let's tell his sister. And Hiratsuka sensei."
"And that will help?" I demanded.
"It couldn't hurt. More boots on the ground. You're not alone, Yukinon."
"He moaned and it hurt so bad…" I sobbed.
"There there. It's okay."
"Is it okay? Or are we only delaying the inevitable when it comes to him. He wants to die. I mean he really wants to die. He promised me this school year but after that I don't know! And he's miserable. I feel like I can't help him."
"We'll do it together. He only recently started treatment. We're moving in the right direction. He's less miserable now than he was a month ago. He's in less pain."
"He's in no pain. That's the problem," I choked.
Yui kissed my tears away and pat me gently on the head as though I was a kitten. She stroked my hair. I sobbed again at her gentle caress and touch. It felt fantastic. I gulped down the feeling. I was so empty and frail and Yui was filling me up with something delicious. Eventually I stopped crying and lifted my head from Yui's shoulder. She let go of my dark hair sparingly. Like she didn't entirely want to. She kissed my cheek again. With temperature. Something inside me stirred and rested at that sunshine curtain.
I hiccuped again.
"You're a pretty crier, Yukinon. How did it make you feel? When he hurt himself and you couldn't stop it?"
"It made me feel weak. It made me feel helpless. It made me feel hurt. What am I worth if I can't even help the people I like?"
"That must have been hard."
"The way he moaned…" I choked. "The way he moaned at his own pain broke my heart."
"Oh Yukinon. I'm so sorry."
"But this isn't about me. I'm not the one self harming."
"You're hurting. It is about you. It's about me too."
"Thank you, Yui. For coming over so quickly."
"I'm here for you, Yukinon."
"It should have been you," I repeated.
"He did it on purpose. He probably has no idea how bad it hurt you."
"I hate him," I blabbered. "I hate him and care for him. Explain that."
"It's complicated…it's complicated that's for sure."
"Why would he do this to me?"
"In a strange way I'm glad he did. I see you, Yukinon. I'm here for you and I always will be."
I sniffled. I was mastering myself as Yui played with my hair gently.
"Thank you, Yui."
"You're welcome. Always."
I sniffled again. My thoughts drifted.
"Did you bring your apron?" I asked.
She grinned. She pulled it tightly folded out of her hand bag.
"What do you want to make?" She asked.
"I feel so lightheaded," I confessed. "Something rich."
"A cry is like that."
"I have stuff for brownies," I stood. I gathered my black kitten apron and tied it around my body. Yui hugged me from behind and kissed my cheek again. I leaned into her touch. I smiled softly. She tied her apron around her body like I taught her. I pulled the recipe up on my laptop between us on the kitchen counter. I felt… better.
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-WG
