I got a message about Hikigaya having sex with Yukinoshita or Yui. The fact of the matter is he would be afraid of such intimacy and they aren't at that point in their relationship.

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Yukinoshita was sick and she ran this whole fucking show. So Yui and I left to go see how she was doing. She lived alone after all. If she was truly unwell she could need looking after. What were friends for? Not that she was my friend. But she was something to me. She assured me we couldn't be friends and Yukinoshita wasn't the type to lie. But still we meant something to each other. What that thing was was confusing, personal, and abstract. But a lot of things were like that.

"Please come in." Upon entering, there was a faint drifting smell of soap. It smelled nice. It smelled like Yukinoshita. I blushed a little. Girls smelled nice and tickled my nose. Smell was good for memory and feelings. I sure felt something when I inhaled Yukinoshita. I wasn't sure what I felt but it was something.

Yukinoshita's image also contrasted to how she normally appeared. The finely woven and white sweater looked so oversized for Yukinoshita's slender body that the sleeves extended all the way down to the palms of her hands. Her collarbones up to her neck were in plain view and her black hair tied into a bundle dangled down to her bosom as if to hide away that deep neckline. Her maxi long skirt drooped down to her ankles.

I was in a v-neck and t-shirt, my Hikigaya standard. I didn't look as nice as she did, even sick she shone.

"Have a seat over there." As we were suggested, Yui and I took a seat without a word. I was wondering what Yukinoshita was going to do, but she leaned against the wall.

When Yui asked her, "why don't you sit too?"

Yukinoshita softly shook her head. "So, what is it that we need to talk about?" Though her face was directed at us, her gaze was looking further downwards. Even the glint in her eyes that should've been overpowering was docile like the abating surface of water.

I sat there not answering her question while Yui looked for her words. "Ah, um… I heard you were staying home today, Yukinon. So I was wondering if you were okay."

"Yes. You're making a big fuss over one day. I made sure to notify the school."

"You're living alone, of course that'll make people worry."

"Aren't you really tired too? You still look kind of sick," said Yui. Yukinoshita softly faced downwards, as if trying to conceal her face.

"I'm a little tired, but nothing more. It's not a problem."

"…Isn't that the problem?" Yui said. Yukinoshita went quiet. Yeah, she hit her where it hurt. She wouldn't be resting at home in the first place if things were going smoothly. Yukinoshita appeared even more delicate than before as she continued to hang her head. "Yukinon, you don't need to do everything by yourself. There're other people with you too."

"I understand that. That's why I reassigned the workload so the burden is less—"

"Even though it really isn't?" She cut off Yukinoshita's words. Yui's voice was quiet and calm, yet it was passionate and urgent. It drowned out the surrounding sounds, leaving only her words. "I'm a little angry with you, okay?" said Yui, and Yukinoshita's shoulders twitched. It was reasonable for Yui to be upset. She went as far as to slap away any help and do things by herself, only to end up getting sick. I let out a small sigh and Yui shot her gaze at me. "I'm angry at you too, Hikki. I even told you to help her whenever she's in trouble too…"

So that's why she was quiet the entire time on our way here. No really, I had no excuse. It was true I hadn't been useful at all. I ended up dropping my shoulders in shame.

"…I'm not expecting the assistant historians to work beyond what they're asked of. It's already enough that he's fulfilling his duties."

"I could probably do more. I could probably do less," I confessed.

"Has there been more self harming?' Yui asked me. I shook my head. Details weren't important but jerking off and running had worked a little. They shaved my reality down so I didn't feel the driving urge to cut.

"No. None. You have my word," I said.

"That's good. One less thing for Yukinoshita to worry about. But still you're taking too many responsibilities on yourself." Yui directed the last bit to Yukinoshita.

"It's fine. There's still time. I'm also working at home, so we haven't really fallen behind. It isn't something you need to be concerned with, Yui-san."

"But that's just weird."

"Is… it…?" Yukinoshita's gaze didn't move from the floor. "…What do you think?"

It took a slight moment for me to realize that her question was directed at me. The wall that Yukinoshita leaned against stretched to the kitchen and in the dim unlit interior, her expression was unreadable. I need to tell her that how she was approaching things is wrong.

It isn't like Hayama's sound reasoning.

That isn't something I can say.

It isn't like Yui's kindness. I don't have that in me.

But I know where she made a mistake.

"'Rely on someone', 'everyone should help and support each other'. You can't get any more right than this. They're the perfect solutions."

"I see…" She replied indifferently and apathetically, just her crossed arms dropping weakly. "But that's idealistic. The world won't run on that alone. There will always be someone who pulls the short end of the stick and there will be someone who pushes for that. Someone has to take the blame. That's just reality. That's why I don't plan on telling you to rely on or cooperate with others." I could hear Yukinoshita's soft exhaled breath. I was still uncertain of the implications of that sigh. "But the way you're approaching things is wrong."

"…Then… do you know what the right approach is?" Her voice was shaking.

"I don't. But what you're doing now isn't the same as how you did things before."

The room was freezing.

The sensible temperature was probably lower than the actual temperature.

Yui sneezed. It was almost as if she was crying when she sniffed her nose.

Realizing that the room was gradually becoming chilly, Yukinoshita stopped leaning against the wall. "I'm sorry. I didn't even pour any tea…"

"Th-That's okay, you don't need to do that… I-I can do it."

"You don't need to worry about my health. I feel a lot better after resting for the day."

"Your health, huh?" This time those trivial words grabbed my attention. Yui stuttered, finding it difficult to open her mouth. She caught her breath, but her next words didn't come out. She paused for a moment and then slowly began talking.

"You see… Like, I've been thinking, Yukinon. You should rely on me and Hikki. Not someone or everyone… but rely on us two, you know? I, um… it's not like there's anything I can do, but Hikki is—"

"…Is black tea fine?" Yukinoshita turned her back without listening until the end and disappeared into the kitchen. Yui's voice could no longer reach that poorly lit side. Their words were always parallel.

This high, high tower apartment resembled the Tower of Babel where their words wouldn't reach each other.

Yukinoshita carried in a set of black tea.

Tea time with no conversation.

Yui held her cup with both hands and cooled down her tea by blowing on it.

Yukinoshita, still standing, held her cups in her hands and looked outside.

Speechless, I put the cup to my mouth and gulped it in full. There was nothing more to discuss. I set the cup and stood. "Alright, I'm going home."

"Eh, m-me too…" Yui stood up right after and we headed for the entrance. Yukinoshita didn't stop us in our tracks. Even so, she followed us to the entrance with staggering footsteps as if standing up to escort us off. As Yui was putting on her shoes, Yukinoshita gently touched her nape with her hand. "Yui."

"Y-Yes!?" Yui shrieked in surprise when her neck was touched. She tried to turn around only to be gently held in place.

"Um… It's difficult for me right now. But I'll definitely rely on you some day. So, thank you…"

"Yukinon…"

Yukinoshita's smile at Yui was frail. Her cheeks, however, were slightly tinged with red. "But, I just want some more time to think, so…"

"Okay…" Without turning around, Yui rested her hand on top of the hand that was pressing against her nape.

"Take care of the rest, Yui."

"Eh, wa—" I cut her words short and quietly closed the door. Sorry, but take care of the rest. Yui had done what she needed to; in a way that only she could do. But that won't solve the problem. Then leave the solution to me.

They say that time is the medicine to everything. That's a lie. All it does is chase everything into obscurity. It makes everything pointless and worthless, simply masking away the actual problems. They say that the world changes if you changed. That's also a lie. It's deception. The world will always try to drag you down and turn you in a caricature, plucking out any conspicuous components. Eventually, you stop thinking. The world—your surroundings—are only brainwashing you into believing the notion that 'I changed and so did the world'. The world, your surroundings, the masses won't change from those sentimental, hot-blooded, and idealistic outlooks.

I'll teach you how to really change the world.

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I was walking Yui home. She kept glancing at me as though to assure herself I was right there. And nas far as I was aware I was right there. I mean it could all be a trick. Yui could be a demon hell bent on deceiving me. What could you know? We could all be operating under a delusion. Surely that was the simplest of mind magics. I focused on what I knew and what I could know. I know I think therefore something is listening. I think therefore you are. I knew what a circle was. I knew the symmetries of an equilateral triangle. Dihedral group three.

Yui opened and closed her mouth. Then she finally said "You don't have to do this. I'll be fine."

"I know," I whispered. "I want to do this. I want to believe in you and Yukinoshita and Komachi and Saika. I want you to be real. I want to walk you home."

"Oh? Oh! Oh." She finally settled. She got confused, then excited, then settled herself. "Why haven't you been looking after Yukinoshita?"

"I have been. In my own time. In my own way. I didn't realize she was in it so deep. You noticed. Thank the gods you noticed. So I'll do more from now on. And I don't just mean with the cultural committee."

"Is that right?"

"It's the best I can do. I'm warped. But I truly haven't been hurting myself anymore."

"Truly?" She looked up at me with those big eyes. Was I always this much taller than her? I kinda liked her looking up at me with those big eyes. It was a pleasant sensation. Of course any pleasant sensation could be a trick by the ultimate demon but I didn't see it at the moment. I looked away from her. She was a lot of girl to look at once as she gazed up at me. It made my skin crawl and my heart race. It was repulsive but it was so mixed with a luring grotesqueness that it was a pleasant sensation.

"Truly," I answered.

"What works for you? When you feel the need?"

Jerking off. But I wasn't about to get into that with Yui of all people. "I go on runs and intense bike rides. The exercise is good for me and produces natural anti anxiety hormones. It's a good thing."

Of course intense exercise also released cannabinoids. Which in turn could spike me or make me manic but I wasn't about to tell her that. I framed it as a good thing which it was for the most part.

"My sister suggested it," I marched on. "I still don't know if she or anyone else is real but I feel better after a run. Less delusional and less obsessed with those delusions."

"What delusions?"

"I'm not really supposed to talk about them."

"That's alright. I'm glad you're doing better Hikki. And of course worrying about you was just another thing on Yukinon's plate."

"I used to not like your nickname for me." I confessed.

"I sorta knew that…"

"I don't mind it anymore." I smiled at her warmly. She blushed and looked away.

"Can't let him distract me with that." She muttered.

"What?" I didn't quite catch that.

"It's nothing! It's nothing. How are your hallucinations?"

"Low. Gone or else I no longer care about them. Ones and twos out of a ten with a ten being bad. Its strange. I miss some of them. Old voices. Old teachers. I don't miss the sensation of bugs crawling around my skin but my teachers' voices I do miss."

"You won't relapse on us will you?" She demanded. I shook my head.

"It's better. More good than bad."

"You really do a lot to shelter us from the worst of it, don't you?" She realized.

I bobbed my head in what could be agreement. "You pretty much know it all. I could be operating under a delusion as we speak just by talking to you. I'm half convinced you, Komachi, Saika, and Yukinoshita aren't real and just a presence sent here by a higher power to convince me this isn't hell. To lull me into a false sense of security."

"Do you treat all good things with suspicion?"

"A little. I sold my fucking soul for knowledge. As far as I know I'm in Hell. i have good things just for them to be ripped away. I get closer to you. I like talking to you. That's scary."

"Other people scare me but not like that," Yui muttered. I heard her this time. I nodded.

"We create our own Hell. The human mind can make a Heaven of Hell and a Hell of Heaven."

"Do you really believe that?" She wondered.

"A little. I do also believe I sold my soul to the devil."

"How? Why?"

"I'm not supposed to talk about it, remember?"

"Right. Right. But still. Why would you?"

"For knowledge. For power. But the two are really the same. Knowledge is power. How can I destroy that which I don't understand? How do I battle it to reclaim possession of my soul? How do I do it to secure my mind? I'm not sure. I know I'm lost. I struggle. I exist therefore I struggle. And I struggle to find meaning in the struggle. I do not know if there is deeper meaning to the universe, but I know it is impossible for me to know it right now. What if we never find out what it was all for? They call that absurdism. The party at the end of meaning. It's not an answer to any of the big questions. It's the reluctant admittance that we may never know. And it's a nice day. And it's nice walking and talking with you Yui. So maybe if I can cast aside my doubts and stop asking myself where the storms come from and why we suffer I can relax and be coasted along with the meaninglessness of it all. It is nice to be around you Yui. Your smile can brighten up my whole miserable life."

"Can't let him distract me with that…"

"What?"

"I said it sounds hard. I don't really think about stuff like that."

"I think. And I think about thoughts."

"I guess I take it for granted…"

"I'm jealous of you," I smiled at her again. She grinned at me for a moment.

"We're here. Thank you Hikki," she stammered out.

"Right. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye Hikki," she gave an adorable wave.

I turned on my heel and started walking home.

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-WG