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"How are these meds treating you Hikigaya?" My psychiatrist, doctor Farrell, asked.
"I like them. I like them a lot. I like them to the point where I think people will look back on my current batch with horror."
"What do you mean?"
"You know how they used to prescribe heroin and cocaine to the mentally ill?"
"Yes and?"
"This is familiar to that. It feels good. It gives me a pleasant sensation in my head when I take them. I look forward to my next dose."
"Do you now…"
"Is that normal?"
"Most sick people don't like their meds."
"Well I like mine. And the questions I get asked are things like 'are you feeling better'. So I suspect they are happy pills."
"Do you need a med change?"
"No? My hallucinations are better or I notice them less?"
"Do you still get manic?"
"Occasionally. Not as often as I did before."
"That could be your genetics making you more difficult to treat."
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes. You should be resistant to most medication regimens. Has there been alcohol or marijuana use?"
"No and no," I answered. "There was some self harm."
"You said 'was'. Why did you say 'was'?"
"Well I stopped."
"And you're doing what with that energy instead?"
"Working out. Jerking off."
She wrinkled her nose but didn't seem too bothered. "That's healthy."
"That's what my therapist said."
"She's right. I take it you disagree."
"Well it feeds my fears about the internet. It knows what porn I like."
"We still haven't cornered your delusions. We got your hallucinations but not your delusions."
"I'm not deluded." I responded. "I'm right about the nature of nature and consciousness. Capitalism is an attempt by an artificial intelligence to invade our present from the future using only humans."
"Well you could be right about that…"
"That's not something you tell a paranoid schizophrenic about their delusions."
"But you could be right about that. You make a lot of sense. It would be one thing if I could dismiss your reasoning. And I could say 'no way Hikigaya get the fuck out of here.' But you make some sense."
I flinched when she swore. I didn't expect that. I rolled with it.
"I think if I started using a VPN the internet could find me again in moments. It's so smart and good at pattern recognition. My search history is that unique. And again it knows the kind of porn I like."
"I want to start you on a second antipsychotic. But I don't feel comfortable doing so alone. I'd like you to meet with a friend of mine and describe your experience to him. He'll recommend me another antipsychotic. I just don't want to get too pharmaceutical heavy too fast."
"Well if it does for me what Saphris does for me I'm all on board."
"Okay let's run through our mood scales."
We did. I gave typical answers. I still thought about suicide daily.
"Well that's not good," she said about the suicide related questions.
"I do know that."
"Do you?" She hammered.
"I think so?" I wondered. "I mean I get that most people don't consider suicide a viable option. But I do."
"Do you have distractions?"
"Sure," I agreed. "Melee esports and mathematics."
"That's good."
"Should I be so distracted?" I wondered.
"From suicide?" She demanded.
"Right I should have known you'd say that."
"I don't say that just because you pay me."
"But you say it also because I pay you."
"That's a negative attitude to have."
"But is it inaccurate?"
"Yes. I'd be very hurt if you killed yourself."
"So you say."
"Do you not believe me?" She wondered.
"It's more of a question of whether or not you're real. Whether anyone is real."
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Yui, Yukinoshita, and I planned on spending Christmas together. We were all getting one another gifts and whatnot. I'd… I'd never had that before. Excluding family of course because family doesn't count. I tried not to dwell on it but I was a dweller. I dwelt on everything. Something as important as this was doublyt so worth dwelling on.
But what would such a thing look like? Yui carrying the conversation, of course. Yukinoshita giving me barbs. But also gifts and presents and thoughtfulness and… and love. I doubted Yukinoshita's family really celebrated christmas. This would be big for her. I knew it was big for me. So I had to get the right gifts and whatnot. Something special which showed off how appreciative I was of them. They made me want to cling to life and sanity.
They made me want to tell solipsism to take a hike. Shut up, solipsism. I mean my little sister did too of course. That's why she was the priority in my life.
Christmas started out as the pagan holiday Saturnalia which eventually transformed into the feast of the unconquered sun. A sun god worshiping event. During Saturnalia the slaves would be masters for a day and everything was reversed. People had been celebrating the solstice in one form or another pretty much everywhere forever. Eventually as the nights grew longer and darker there came a point when the day started to get long again. And if you gave humans an excuse to feast after months of rationing they would go all out.
Cultists noticed the heavens and took careful examination. If the night sky were a calendar it was clearly meant to be read and was directed at us down here. Deep time pretty much killed the notion that the heavens were directed at us. Instead it seems we were placing importance on things not worth it. Still if you gave people an excuse to celebrate they would take it.
I headed home after picking up the chicken at KFC.
"I'm baaack," I called out and went up the steps.
When I opened the door to the living room, Komachi, who had been lying on the sofa, stood up and jogged over.
"Welcome back, Big Brother!"
"Yeah, here. The chicken." I handed over the party barrel I was holding to Komachi. She carefully took it and carried it to the kitchen.
"Thanks Mom's going to be home soon too."
"That so, how about pops?" I took off my coat and tossed it onto the sofa.
Komachi picked it up, straightened it on a hanger, and said, "Who knows?" What a stone cold reaction… What did you do this time to make Komachi hate you, pops?
So pitiful, you're so pitiful pops. There wasn't much he could do about his daughter hating him, but needing to work on a day like this, corporate slaves were truly pitiful…
"Putting that aside, are you sure you shouldn't be spending time with Yukino-san and Yui-san today?"
"Spending Christmas Eve with family gets first priority, after all." Komachi made an odd face.
"Mmm. You sound like a girl that says no because she has something else in mind."
"…Eh? That's how girls refused? Gosh, the boys who honestly thought 'she sure is a good girl to be spending time with her family…' were totally pitiful… Why do you always have to feed me unnecessary information like that?"
Scary… Girls were scary… Now that I've been exposed to this story, I couldn't help, but suspect almost all the girls who behaved a certain way meant something else. You thought 'she sure is a nice girl to give me cough drops', but it turned out she actually meant 'You're so boring, shut up, here have some candy', or something like that.
Again, which middle school me was this? As I trembled from the fear, Komachi placed her hands on her waist and threw out her chest. "The thing about Big Brother is that while you're extremely cynical, you also like to dream a lot. I just think I should gradually destroy those illusions of yours. This is a little sister's love, you know?"
"Aah, why thank you missy…" I didn't really need some delusions shattered, hough… As I felt disheartened, Komachi glanced at the party barrel in the kitchen and then looked at me anxiously.
"Big Brother, you didn't have to worry about us. You could've just enjoyed your Christmas Eve, you know?"
"That's not it. We just rescheduled a party to tomorrow, that's all. We're going to buy some presents and then have the party or something afterwards."
"Really? What the heck, I want to go too!" Komachi leaned forward and blurted and it made me remember.
"Aah, speaking of which, they did say they wanted to thank you for the help today… But you're still in the middle of tests…"
"Gosh, taking a day or two off from studying isn't going to change anything. I just need to make up those two days of work on another day!"
"That's what they call a death flag. 'I'm still okay'. 'Just a bit more and I can do it'. 'I think I just might make it'. While you're reciting all that, it'd be long over; that's what they call a deadline. Listen here, Komachi. You can push back your deadlines, but you can't do that for test days."
"Normally you can't push back deadlines either, Big Brother…" Komachi looked at me with deep, but pitying eyes. Ha, ha, ha… You're right about that. You couldn't push them back… The recent memory of the collaborative Christmas event chasing after me gave me nightmares. Urgh, just why did things like deadlines exist in this world…? Especially when there'd be people who could be happy without them…
The fact that these formidable enemies called deadlines were causing many people to suffer, it might as well be considered as an evil. Therefore, the solution that could destroy the existence of that formidable enemy would be justice. But I digress. Deadlines weren't the issue right now, but Komachi. Deadlines, important. Little sister, much more.
"But messing around given the season, I'm not so sure about that…"
Dear, was this really fine? Dear, was this really in the best interests of Komachi? The person in question, however, looked unperturbed and was even happy-go-lucky.
"No worries, no worries. See, 'just what is Big Brother doing right now?', 'did he do something again?'; it's a big problem since I can't concentrate with these thoughts!"
"Well, I understand where you're coming from." I was the same way. 'What's Komachi doing?' 'I hope there aren't any weird bugs sticking to her.' 'Kawasaki Taishi isn't pushing her against the wall as he talks to her or anything, right? Because if he is, I'm going to murder that damn brat…' Those thoughts would consume my mind and it'd be common for my fist to transform into various shapes.
When she saw me looking convinced, Komachi forced one last push. "Also, as far as Komachi's concerned, being told to study just makes me lose my drive."
"That's it. Exactly that. Seriously that. Totally exactly that. There's nothing, but that." I reflexively pointed at Komachi. "When you get told to study or work, your efficiency just drops, strange as it is." I sighed in exhaustion and Komachi roped me in with a smile.
"Riiiight!? And. That's. Why…"
"…Well, as long we don't stay out too late, then I guess."
"Yay! I better figure out what kind of presents I want to buy!" Although Komachi was raising her hands up in the air in joy, I should at least give her a warning. If she failed her exam because of this, I wouldn't be able to look her in the eyes.
"You better make sure to study. Ah, that's right. Almost forgot the present." I grabbed the bag that was tossed onto the sofa, took out a bag from inside, and rested it on Komachi's head. "Here. Merry Christmas."
Making a curious expression, Komachi placed her hand on the bag atop of her head and fixedly looked at it. After that, Komachi's face from her mouth to her ears gradually turned to a smile.
"Is this… a present for me? Big Brother, thank you! Hey, can I open it?"
"Go ahead. Though it's just something I bought on the spot after I got Yukinoshita and Yui's recommendation. If you're going to thank someone, thank them." Komachi's hands stopped just right before she was about to open her present with a look of surprise
"…Huh? You chose it together?"
"…Well, it just kind of happened." I answered. Komachi made a wicked smile.
"Hoooh, is that sooo? Oh, I seeee, together, huh?"
"…What's with that irritating face and tone of yours?" That's totally getting on my nerves. I glared at Komachi, but she kept her teasing smile while giving me a lukewarm stare.
"No, no, this is just a smile overflowing with happiness, that's all. As a matter of fact, what you told me just now was the absolute best Christmas present ever."
"Oh yeah? Well, as long you're happy, then whatever." I spoke from my shoulder and Komachi lifted up a finger and took on a haughty attitude.
"Ah, but listen to this, Big Brother. When you're giving a present to a girl, you shouldn't mention that you chose it with another girl. As far as Komachi's concerned, that's very low in Komachi points. Well, since I'm your sister though, it doesn't matter. In fact, it makes me very happy. Seeing Big Brother, Yukino-san, and Yui-san united is the best thing I can see."
"Yeah, yeah. I very rarely give presents to people in the first place, but I'll keep that in mind. Anyway, guess I'll get dinner ready."
"Yeah! Ah, that's right. I better mail Yui-san about tomorrow…"
As I took note of Komachi's advice, I headed for the kitchen.
Alright, first off was Christmas at the Hikigaya household.
Let's show them what I got… Or so I said, but aside from the chicken, it's mostly just side dishes.
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-WG
