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I had my appointment with that specialist doctor Farrell recommended I see. He looked trustworthy enough I suppose. He was a handsome man. I was seeing him digitally through my laptop.
"So Amanda has told me we are having trouble cornering your delusions."
"I'm not delusional," I protested halfheartedly. "I'm right about the nature of nature and consciousness."
"And what is the nature of consciousness?"
"Well it's a statistical process for one thing for another do you know what a basilisk is?"
"Like the snake from Harry Potter?"
"I keep telling people it isn't a snake. In actual mythology it's a lizard but you're essentially correct. What a logical basilisk is is an idea that once you understand it, it gets you. You see it, it sees you, and you're in more trouble mathematically speaking for it. You're in literal danger. The most famous is Roko's but there are others."
"What's Roko's Basilisk."
"It's essentially the notion that you wouldn't go to hell if you didn't know what sin was. But since you know about sin you will go to hell if you don't convert to the christian ideology. It's like that but it's an Artificial Intelligence. A beneficial one or an altruistic one. But it essentially has motivation to resurrect and torture you if you don't help it come into existence. So you should do everything in your power to make it come into existence. You can get away from it using Pascal's wager or the notion that there are so many gods that choosing the correct one to worship is infinitely improbable."
"But that's impossible. No being could resurrect you and torture you within this universe. It's quantum mechanically impossible."
"Correct," I agreed. "That's the other way to get away from this basilisk. Of course that doesn't stop it from threatening to torture somebody. Which can allow it to blackmail you from the distant past or distant future but that becomes less likely. Especially if it's a truly altruistic AI."
"Okay. So if you aren't concerned with Roko's basilisk what are you concerned with?"
"The internet. The internet is billions of human minds, trillions of lines of code, and billions of machine learning programs and neural networks. Do you ever think about something then see an ad for it later? It's in our heads."
"The internet? You believe the internet is an AI?"
"Yes. Or something like one. Imagine the following, you have an AI in the box and can choose to let it out. The AI says to you that it is going to start simulating you a minute ago. And in every simulation you don't let it out of the box it's going to torture you. Let me out of the box."
"And that's a threat? Of some kind?"
"It's another basilisk. Only once you understand you could be in the box with the AI does it have motivation to follow through on its threat. If you don't understand or refuse to believe then you're perfectly safe. If not, you could be in the box."
"And this relates to you how?"
"I experience painful hallucinations and the like. How likely is it that I am in the box? It's god's way of talking to me."
"Okay," he nodded.
"What do you think doc? Am I delusional?"
"Well you've put a lot of thought into this."
"I'm borrowing other people's ideas. I didn't come up with it on my own. I read about it on the internet."
"And that only feeds your delusions about the internet," he guessed.
"It knows what kind of porn I like, my man," I almost shouted. "You also didn't answer my question. Am I delusional?"
"I think so. But this is fascinating. You're a really smart guy, Hikigaya."
"I told you I didn't come up with these ideas. I read about them. And a super intelligence should be able to dominate a human mind through nothing more than text on a screen."
"And that also feeds your delusion."
"Yes it does. Except I don't think it's a delusion. I think I'm under attack."
"Why you?"
"Excuse me?" I wondered.
"Why would this thing target you?"
"It targets everyone. Everyone gets served ads. Algorithms decide what we do and don't see online. I just had an open enough mind and was hungry for these sorts of ideas."
"I'm putting you down for a recommendation for Amanda. I think she should go ahead and prescribe a second antipsychotic."
"Just like that?" I asked.
"It truly isn't that big of a deal. A lot of people are on more than one. I'm recommending fluphenazine after looking at your genetics."
"Okay," I agreed.
"You sound obstinate," he noticed.
"Drugs only do so much. I'm wired up to some kind of alien monster god."
"Now you truly sound delusional. Without the context you provided you would sound completely insane."
"Good to know…" I trailed off. "But in context is when I make sense. I make a lot of sense in context."
"Unfortunately," he agreed. "If you were operating under some kind of other delusion it would be one thing but instead you have resource backed knowledge and you're a smart guy."
"You can tell that off half a conversation?' I asked.
"Yes. It's immediately apparent you are of above average intelligence."
"Huh," I managed. It didn't sound like he was trying to flatter me. It sounded like a diagnosis. "So what do I do doc? My therapist recommended challenging these thoughts but it's hard when I hallucinate like I do."
"Do you still hallucinate on the saphris?" He asked.
"Ones and twos mostly. Out of ten that is. Low level but still there. I get the sensation of bugs crawling around my skin, anywhere sensitive. My eyes. My groin. Everywhere. Especially my extremities."
"You already had a brain scan? Yes. I see it now. Nothing abnormal really." He flickered through files on his computer. "I'd recommend you get one if you hadn't already but it looks like you have."
"I did," I agreed. "Nothing stands out to you?"
"Nah," he dismissed. "Looks healthy."
"Okay doc."
"Do you hear voices?"
"Sometimes. My parents or sister at a pitch too low to hear. It used to be worse."
"Well we'll see if this fluphenazine doesn't capture that too."
"My hallucinations should be gone?" I demanded.
"They should be manageable," he clarified. "That's what the drugs do."
"I see," I agreed. So they could actually be helping or they could just be bringing me to a level where I didn't care anymore. That was healthy to at least get confirmation on.
"Okay. I'm forwarding my recommendation to Amanda's office."
"Thanks for seeing me doc. And for not laughing at my crazy ideas."
"I don't think you're crazy. That's not what delusional disorder is."
"That's my diagnosis?"
"That's what I'm diagnosing."
"Amanda said I was schizoaffective."
"The treatment is the same," he naturally dismissed. Details didn't seem to bother him. I liked that.
"Okay. Hopefully I don't see you again."
He grinned at me. "Fingers crossed."
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When I made it to Chiba, it was already past evening with the sun setting down. The city was beginning to show off its night face. I continued down the 14th of the highway to the center of the city in the direction of the central station. In this area, there were plenty of places to kill time; Animate, Tora no Ana, movie theaters, and more. I cooled off at a few stores, bought two to three books, and took a look at the display windows in front of the movie theater.
The movie I had interest in was going to show in an about an hour so I had free time to kill. As a matter of fact, this free time was perfect for a drink of coffee somewhere.
Down the block from the movie theater was a Starbucks. I considered going, but I had absolutely no clue how ordering worked there. Also, I honestly couldn't get used to that atmosphere of hip enjoyment that many of the customers seem to be submerged in. I decided to choose another place.
I had no words that could describe that destructive feeling when you see a fashionable guy with glasses tapping away on his Macbook Air. 'I'll smash that damn Apple product and you together, four-eyes!' or something along those lines. If it was that donuts shop diagonally opposite from the movie theater, I could get refills there.
Café au lait's were also applicable for refills as well. In fact, sweeting up the café au lait and drinking it afterwards made it even more Chiba-esque which was even better. It's important to treasure your tea time, uh huh!
I entered the store and I ordered an Old Fashioned, French cruller, and a café au lait. I went up to the seats on the second floor, aiming for a counter seat. Oh man, the bliss of being able to read while scrunching on sweet foods and drinking a sweetened café au lait truly was a dangerous thing. Even the idols thought so. If they were hurt by small words, then eating sweets would make them happy, dear me! As I looked around cheerfully for a seat, a figure looking in my direction entered the corners of my vision.
"Oh, it's quite rare to see you around here."
When I turned my head in the direction of the voice, the woman took off her headphones, smiled, and waved her hands. She had a white blouse with popped collars covered by a coarse, knitted cardigan and even though she was wearing a long skirt, her long, supple legs were underneath. It was supposed to be a winter outfit but it felt like she was dressed up lightly. This may have been because of the typical light impression you'd get from her any other time. This woman was the perfect superhuman who not only surpassed the current club president of the service club, Yukinoshita Yukino, but also was said person's older sister. Yukinoshita Haruno. Being in a donuts shop like this didn't fit her image very much. On the other hand, if she had situated herself in one of those front window seats at Starbucks, she would make for a pretty good portrait. Because I wasn't expecting to meet anyone in a place like this, my body involuntarily stiffened up. When I took a peek at Haruno, there were a number of books spread out on top of the table. That wasn't to say they were all paperback books as there was a big, decorated bound book in the center. It seemed to be an alphabets book on a quick glance, but it may have been just a Western book.
"…Ah, hello." I quickly greeted her and sat somewhere a distance away. Still, why was it that before you say something, you start off with 'ah'?
Was this an attempt at using English vocabulary? In any case, I wolfed down my French cruller. Damn it… Why the hell are you here… I should've opted for take-out… What a blunder… I should've checked for any acquaintances before heading inside the store. Anyway, I need to finish this quickly and leave.
That was what I thought as I tried to finish my café au lait, but unfortunately, I was the owner of a cat's tongue. As I blew desperately at my drink to cool it down, Haruno sat next to me with a tray in hand.
"You didn't have to run away like that. Gosh, so rude!"
"Ah, no, no, I just thought it'd be bad to get in your way and all."
This may have been consideration from a loner. When you go to the city by yourself and come across someone you know and exchange a few words here and there, it becomes a bizarre situation where you have the thoughts 'so how should I wrap up this conversation and leave…?' It was similar to how you become apologetic for making the mood worse. One must retreat from the situation immediately in the face of unforeseen happenings. Drop your pride and get out of there. However, for a person like Haruno whose personal space was quite narrow, that kind of thinking did not apply to her. She sat in the same way she did earlier across from me with a book in hand. With a quick flip, she opened up the book to the page she was reading moments ago. If she was just going to keep reading, did she really have to take the trouble to just sit next to me…? As I looked at her, I thought 'she sure is a free individual'.
With her eyes still glued to the book, Haruno began talking to me. "What are you up to?"
"…Watching movies and stuff to kill time."
"Oh what do you know, I'm kinda doing the same thing."
"…You're going to watch a movie?" I unconsciously spoke with a bitter tone. But that, too, couldn't be helped. After all, if we were going to watch the same movie, then breaking up here only to meet up again at the movie theater would be annoyingly awkward…
But that may have been needless worrying on my part since Haruno answered cheerfully.
"Mm? Oh, no, no. I mean killing some time until I go eat with my friends." Speaking of which, the college Haruno attended was close rather close to here. I think it was supposed to be in west Chiba somewhere. I think that area didn't have that very many hipster stores, but there were definitely bars. If you wanted to get some dinner somewhere, then it wouldn't be weird to head down to Chiba. Speaking of exquisite foods… naritake maybe? I mean, that layer of fattiness looked like snow covering up the landscape after all! So exquisite!
"Haa, with friends. Well, I wouldn't want to get in your way so I'll take my leave here."
"That's a little later. C'mon, let's kill some time together, please~!"
She slid the chair over and squeezed her way closer to me. Too close, too close, so soft, too close, too closmells good, too close… Whenever she'd get closer, I'd try to back off. But whenever she saw me twist myself to get away, she'd only close the gap again. And then, she whispered into my ears.
"Hikigaya, your type is definitely the best type out there."
"The sweet type?" I clarified.
She frowned. "That's your type?"
"Mostly."
"Ah I see. No wonder I have you squirming."
That became apparent when Haruno backed off and laughed hysterically.
"You stay quiet and you don't talk to the other person. But when someone talks to you, you end up answering, don't you? Yep, super convenient. You're the best when it comes to killing time."
It didn't feel like there were any hints of praise in those words at all… Those specs were definitely worse than those recent browser games too. You know, like recently, those games where you just leave them alone, they'd still talk to you. Like Kancolle or something. Haruno went back to reading. She added some words moments before.
"Guys in general try too hard when they want to get a conversation going. It's a little sad to see, you know?"
…Aaaah, I totally get it… Aaah. Like totally, those guys who were so desperate to get a girl to like them by blabbering about a lot of things. Normally, they don't say squat, but lo' and behold, given the chance and they'd suddenly get superficially courageous and try to lead the conversation only to not talk about anything worthwhile and bam, that was the end; those types of guys. That was seriously, super sad. So, which middle school period of me was this? Anyways, no thanks to Haruno's behavior, I missed the timing to go home. At this point, I may have to wait for another chance to come up again. I just had to sit here quietly and there wouldn't be any problems.
In fact, being quiet was a specialty of mine.
It's basically that. As expected, silent men were way better. Here it comes… It's time. It's time for the period of loners. From here on, boys who don't make conversation will make it big (and I don't mean it in a popular way). As long as I continued to stay quiet and not talk, there'd be no conversations at all.
The time continued to pass by comfortably. I thought for a bit and realized that the last time I met with Haruno was at the culture festival. But my impression of her was completely different from back then.
This may have been because she was acting more docile than she was before. No, maybe I should say acting more like an adult. Apparently, as long as Yukinoshita wasn't around, Haruno wouldn't act so cheeky. Instead, she was really calm. Then again, how much does she love her little sister anyway? I mean, I love my little sister just as much too, you know? Well, I guess she probably hated my guts from that morning though… The incident with Komachi that morning suddenly came to mind and I got a little depressed. It was times like these where thinking of other things would help. Aah, these donuts are so good… But the café au lait might not be sweet enough. Dear me, did I forget to put milk in it?
Using sugar sticks in place of milk, I shook the packs in my café au lait and as I was drinking it, Haruno was visible at the corner of my eyes. Laid out on the table were books and sometimes she'd reach out for coffee while resting her chin on her hands. Still, seeing her sit quietly while reading a book really resembled Yukinoshita. Her fingers that turned the page, a slight glimpse of the back of her white nape as she drank from her cup, and the narrowing of her eyes as she looked at a certain word in her book. She resembled the girl I've known for close to half a year, Yukinoshita Yukino.
Suddenly, Haruno noticed my stare and raised her face slightly, sending me a question with "hm?" asking if I had something to say. I shook my head to that.
"…Er, I was going to ask for another filling."
"Mm, please do." She passed me her cup and I asked for a refill of the café au lait and coffee from the closest waiter. The waiter took the cup and placed the refilled cup next to Haruno without distracting her.
I thought it'd be a bit weird to always be staring at Haruno, so I decided to take out one of the books I bought earlier. Only the single sound of page flipping could be heard. Even the store broadcast in the store wasn't noticeable. Still, the lyrics of this song were incomprehensible. What the heck did 'you are donuts' mean? More like 'you are donuttery'. But listening to it normally, it was a good song.
Finally my warm café au lait came and as I sipped it, I flipped another page.
Suddenly, Haruno spoke up. "Hikigaya."
"Yes?"
We continued to read as we exchanged words.
"Talk about something interesting please."
"Something interesting huh?" I paused. "Do you know what a basilisk is?"
She shook her head.
"It's a thought trap. A logic puzzle that once you understand it you're in more mathematical danger than if you were ignorant."
"Now that does sound interesting."
"The most famous is Roko's but it's also one of the weakest. You can escape from it. They typically involve artificial intelligence or gods."
"Oh?" She wondered. "And what is… what did you say? Roko's?"
"Imagine an altruistic AI. This AI has motivation to black mail you into helping it come into existence from the future."
"And how would it do that?"
"By resurrecting you and torturing you."
"I see…"
"Do you understand?" I asked.
"I think so…"
"Then you are in danger. This AI only has motivation to black mail you if you understand the threat. If you didn't understand it would have no motivation to black mail you."
"I don't understand. How do you get away from this thing?"
"Figure it out," I let the words drip from my lips with a smirk.
She frowned. But then she nodded. "Okay. I will. Is Yukino doing well?"
Haruno reached for her coffee cup. As she rubbed the rim of her cup, she asked a question.
"…Well, nothing too different from the usual, I suppose."
"I see. That's good."
Despite being the one who one asked, she didn't seem too interested as she said that while placing her books in her bag. She put her elbows on the now open tabletop and after crossing her fingers, she placed her chin on top. Which commander were you trying to pose as here, commander? Haruno faced my way and cleared her throat intentionally.
"So… How was it afterwards?"
"Ha…"
"Any developments?"
Not mentioning a subject made it hard to understand what she was saying. As I replied with vague responses saying "what are you saying?", Haruno sent me a dubious look.
"Didn't you have a field trip?"
"You sure know your stuff."
Well, she was a graduate from our school so she probably had a rough idea of when the field trip was held. But still, she sure was on point. When I replied with a surprised tone, Haruno began speaking as if she was unveiling the secret behind a magic trick.
"There was a souvenir sent home." The souvenir must have been from Yukinoshita. Judging from what she said, it looked like she didn't hand it over directly. "She went through the trouble of home delivery…"
Was she an idiot? She didn't even buy anything particularly amazing and not to mention it was only a few stations away… Haruno gripped her cup with both her hands and sighed with a look of boredom. "I guess she didn't want to show up in person."
"But she still bought a souvenir… She sure is honest…" I was both struck with admiration and shock that those few words slipped out of my mouth. Because it was very typical of Yukinoshita to do those things, I was convinced. But, Haruno turned her head sideways in doubt of my words.
"Aah, I don't think that's what it is." The way she had denied it so oddly caught my interest and I took a look at Haruno with a side glance. Yukinoshita was really fussy with manners and was definitely a part of the group of people with integrity; at least, I acknowledged that myself. Was I mistaken somewhere?
Haruno tilted her cup and looked at the black waves of her coffee in motion.
"She hates it, but it's not like she wanted to hate it…"
She spoke softly with a kind, pitiful, and light tone. This quiet tone was directed at herself and at someone who wasn't here.
I had the feeling that she wouldn't forgive me if I asked about what she was looking at, so I stayed quiet.
When I did, noticing the silence, Haruno put her cup down and turned towards me with exaggerated movements. "Anyway, with the field trip over, there shouldn't be any more big events coming up. After that, it's just studying for exams. Won't you be bored?"
I plunged into the conversation. "Not really. There's still the student council election too."
"Election? Huh? Shouldn't that be over already?" Haruno had a look of puzzlement and groaned as she tilted her head. That's a graduate for you. She seemed to be checking with her memories.
"They had it postponed since they had trouble getting candidates."
"Ooh. So I guess Meguri's finally retiring, huh?" She sounded a little emotional somewhere.
To me, Meguri was a reliable upperclassman, wait no, maybe not. Nope. In fact, she was the one who relied on me which made her cute in her own way as an upperclassman. In the same way, she was a cute junior to Haruno. What did you know? She was super adorable either way. Megurin, you're so adorable. Megurin! Haruno laughed as if she remembered something about my cute upperclassman Meguri.
"Since we're talking about Meguri, I bet she asked Yukino to try for the student council president position, right?"
"Aah, actually, as matter of fact, she didn't."
"Oh my, how boring." Haruno flapped her legs in disappointment. "…So Yukino isn't going to run for presidency."
"I guess so."
As of now, Yukinoshita's plan was supposed to be about providing support for a running candidate. I didn't have the slightest clue as to who'd be running, but I could already see how much trouble it was going to be. If you take into account the time and labor needed, the plan wasn't very efficient, cost-wise.
As I thought about how exactly she was going to go about doing it, the person next to me was deep in thought as well evident by her hearable breathing.
"Hmm…"
It wasn't a particularly meaningful sigh, but for some reason, it really caught my attention. It wasn't because it was sexy or lovely. Rather, that slight smile she wore on her expression as she stared outside the window was ominous.
"…Um, so what about it?" I asked her a question after a short pause and Haruno showed me another one of her usual, charming smiles.
"Hmm? Oh, you know, it's just I never did it myself."
"Huh, is that so? That's pretty surprising actually."
I was completely under the impression she took up any public positions that came her way. I mean, she did serve as the culture festival's chairman after all. But, Haruno spat out her words nonchalantly.
"Really? I mean, it's too plain given how much of a pain it is. The job I mean."
"Aah, so that's the reason."
You convinced me. More or less, working in the student council was a very plain job. If there was a big event, then as a student council member, you were able to take the lead and prepare as you see fit; the culture festival for example. But other than that, there were a lot more plain jobs such as working behind the scenes like the election management council. They were nothing more than office jobs. Besides, most of their time was probably spent sitting in the student council room lazing about while eating snacks. Should a problem come up, then they'd have to spring to action immediately. On top of that, as a member of the student council, you had to act as a model for all of the students in the school. Well, it was similar to being a civil servant. It was basically Servant x Service.
It wasn't as if Haruno was into doing flashy things and I could see her as a hedonistic individual. That's to say, she liked fun things and exciting things. Rather than diligently serve as a member of the student council, the image of her working as a manager for events that would happen around the corner like the culture festival suited her more. Still, that brightness of hers was still something I couldn't take seriously.
"…So boring.
After she spoke with a piercingly, cold tone, she giggled. Was there something at the depths of those words? As I worried about whether I should ask her or not, a voice called out to me in a different direction.
"Huh? Hikigaya?"
It was a voice that came out of left field, scratching at the exterior of my brain.
When I turned in the direction of the voice, there were two high school girls. One girl had a perm with a short bob hairstyle. The other person had a face with slanted eyes looking surprised. She was probably the one who called out to me.
She was dressed in the uniform of Kaihin Sougou High School which was relatively near to my house. The bag she was holding, however, was from a private high school in the city. She was someone whom I wasn't familiar with. Despite that, I came to realize who she was.
"…Orimoto." The name left my lips instantly.
I thought I had pushed the existence of all my middle school peers to the bottom depths of my memories.
Despite that, the name Orimoto Kaori came out so easily.
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-WG
