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As of now, there were zero plans for my shopping. Nah, it's not like I had anything I wanted. I mean, the only place I'd go to would be a book store and I'd rather just go by myself if that was the case. "I wanted to check out some snowboarding gear." Hayama spoke as he headed in the direction of the escalator. Sportswear were typically on the sixth floor. Coming from the descending escalator were noisy voices.
"Irohasu. Like I said, Murasaki Sports is good enough, ya know?"
"No, that won't do. Ah, wasn't there a Lions Sports store near the west entrance?"
"Wait up, that store's for baseball, ya know. It just has "sports" in the name, that's all."
It was two people; one with flaxen short bobbed hair and the other with brown-dyed long hair. In their hands were the bags of the sports shop we were about to head to.
"Oh, oh? Ain't that Hayato?" After getting to the bottom, Tobe noticed Hayama first. And then he started bawling. "Yoo, Haaaayaatoo!"
"What's up, Tobe?" Hayama asked in a confused manner with Tobe suddenly clinging on to him. Tobe had a displeased expression and while openly pulling his hair, he began complaining. "Hear me out yo. Irohasu suddenly wanted a new jersey all of a sudden so we came out here to do some shopping and now she only talks about protein…"
As he continued to talk, Orimoto, her friend, and I finally came into his sight. Tobe choked on his words and took two steps back. Apparently he thought we were on a double date (lol).
"Eh… Ah, my bad, seriously was I intrudin'? My bad, my bad! I'll be goin' on right ahead. Right, Irohasu?" Tobe was flustered as he spoke and when he turned to look at Isshiki, she wasn't there. That's because Isshiki had already found her spot next to me.
So fast! Irohasu so fast! Freaky! "Senpai, what's wrooong? Ah, are you fooling around?"
She spoke in an airy manner with a grin on her face. Those words were common to say when you came across your upperclassman in the city. But oddly enough, it had some impact.
Because somehow, it sounded like she was saying 'you sure have some courage to be forgetting about my request and going out to have fun with girls instead, huh'. No, no, I really didn't' forget, okay? And as for your request, I already did think it over in my own way so…
"Uh, it's not like I'm fooling around or anything…"
As I thought about how to explain myself, Isshiki gripped my sleeves and looked at me with upturned eyes resembling a small animal. What the heck? She sure was cute, wait a second, how problematic. As I grew suspicious of her, she continued to pull at my sleeve. An unexpected force caused me to drop my shoulders and I leaned slightly forward. When I did, my face descended to just about Isshiki's height. Isshiki, who was right next to me, made a perky smile. Her lightly pink, shaking lips began to move.
"But really, who is that woman? Ah! Your girlfriend perhaps? Eh, but wait, there're two of them… How are they related, hmm?"
Scary… You're really scary. How were you making such a happy smile with that coldhearted voice of yours…?
"Nah, well, you know…" As I pondered about how I should answer to defuse the situation, Hayama called out to Isshiki. "Iroha, sorry. I actually had him come with me."
"Aaah, so that's how it is~. Ah, I'm actually about to go somewhere too, would you like to go together?" She quickly let go of my sleeve and made a turn in the direction of Hayama. She was surprisingly forceful, wasn't she? Around there was Tobe who was trying to call Isshiki over. Thank goodness I was freed from her grasp…
"C'mon Irohasu. We should get goin' already. Yeah?"
"You two were in the middle of shopping right…? Okay, Iroha, Tobe. I'll catch you two later."
Hayama softly raised his hand and Isshiki did the same and waved back while cutely going "daaang".
"Okaaay. See you later then." Isshiki then waved her hands at me. "Next time we meet senpai, please fill me in on the details, okay~."
Ah, never mind, I wasn't free from her after all. She'll definitely make me spill the beans the next time we meet…
Anyway, the next time we'd meet would probably be the day of the election. Then again, we probably would need to meet at least one more time before the actual day of the event. It's fine if the speech that would cause Isshiki to lose by a motion of no confidence wasn't all that great, but should it be too poorly thought out, then it would cause her image to drop.
That said, there's always the slight chance that she'd get voted for regardless of how trashy the campaign speech was. This was a rather difficult consideration to take into account. In any case, it was something that would be settled in a single moment. I'll try to talk with her early next week… So how should I explain today's outing, I wonder? As I thought about how I was needlessly entrusted with more worrisome issues, I saw Isshiki and Tobe off.
While walking, Tobe would go "alrighty", "lez go!" and other stuff, trying to be considerate of Isshiki by being energetic. What a good fellow. "Alrighty! Irohasu, let's head to the Lions Sports store!"
"Ah, that's fine. That store's primarily for baseball anyway."
"Eh?" I could hear a very pitiful voice in their direction.
"…She really is something." As I saw them off, I blurted out my impressions. Having heard that, Hayama made a bitter smile.
"Yeah. She really is a handful."
"You don't say…"
Oh? You bragging? Ah? So I was thinking, but Hayama said something surprising. "So Iroha acts like that around you too, huh…?"
"Huh?" I asked him, not understanding what he meant. Suddenly, Hayama made a serious face.
"…It's not like she only does it with me, but Iroha meets with a lot of people and she tends to want to show off her cute side. I'm sure she thinks that she has a certain image of herself she has to protect. I'm sure she wants to be loved. That's why it's rare for her to show off her honest side like that."
Doesn't that just mean she didn't want me to like her that she was able to show her true colors…? As the two descended the escalator and disappeared, Orimoto and Nakamachi who were standing a distance away came over. Were they being considerate or did they think it was a good idea not to get any closer with the curly haired Tobe and the obviously, wary Isshiki present? We ascended the escalator to the sixth floor. When we made it to the top, we entered the sports store that was immediately in front of us.
"Were those your friends earlier?"
"Yeah, they're in the soccer club with me." Hayama answered Nakamachi's question. Orimoto joined in on the conversation with an appropriately, surprised reaction.
"I totally get that! They really gave off that feeling!"
Was that so…? Tobe really didn't give off the impression that he played soccer. Though if you asked what fit him then, I wouldn't be able to answer. I wasn't interested in knowing after all. But it wasn't like Orimoto was interested in Tobe.
"Hayama, you look like you'd play soccer. Did you do it when you were younger?" Apparently this was what she wanted to ask.
"Yeah. But I only seriously got into it in middle school." Hoo. That's a shocker. I guess the junior youth fit his image. I didn't actually say this out loud, but it may have been showing on my face as Hayama made a bitter smile and added.
"Well, in elementary, I did a lot of things, but I never did get around to doing soccer, that's all." As I thought, 'oh, I see', I nodded. Then again, this reaction felt like I had more interest in Hayama than the girls here. Really, I didn't care and I was only listening because I had nothing better to do. It was a bit awkward so I decided to deflect it off by fiddling with the hanging sportswear and the hand grippers. But now that I thought about it, Hayama was a man full of mystery. It's not like I ever bothered to try to learn anything about him, but he never really talked about himself. And that somehow resembled Yukinoshita in some way. Was this what they call the modesty of high society? Thanks to that, even my disinterested disposition caused me to listen to his story. The two girls, of course, took the bait.
"Oooh. But wasn't your middle school pretty strong, Hayama?"
"Wow. Our middle school's club was totally weak. Right?"
Orimoto turned only her head in my direction and wanted a confirmation. To make fun of your own environment to flatter the other party was, well, the modesty of the middle class. I returned a nod.
When I did, Orimoto looked like she suddenly thought of something and went "ah".
"Speaking of which, Hikigaya. You weren't in any clubs, but didn't you, like, get an award for the sports test or something?"
"Yeah." Now that she mentioned it, something like that did happen… Then again, the so called 'sports test' was simply students recording each other's results. Everyone typically recorded down whatever results they felt like. In my case, my partner always had no motivation and for the 20 meter shuttle run, they'd be too tired and would just put whatever number they could.
Thanks to that, I got an A. But even without that, the standards were pretty loose anyway. There were a lot of people who got A's in the class after all. Of course, I imagine Hayama got the same grade as well. Hayama reached out for some of the sportswear and suddenly spoke up.
"Don't you get something like a medal for that?" Hayama pulled from his vague memories. Thanks to that, the door to my memories flung open.
"Yeah, yeah! So, like, during the closing ceremony, when Hikigaya went out front to receive it, everyone sort of just burst out laughing!" Orimoto exploded into laughter as if she remembered what it was like back then. Nakamachi started going off too as she put her hand on her lips because she was imagining how it went.
Ahaha. I totally made a dry laugh myself. Stuff like that was pretty common when a guy who normally didn't stand out suddenly became the center of attention. It was similar to when you were reading out loud in Japanese or English. Bringing attention to the culture was the modesty of the lower classes. The two looked satisfied after a good laugh and started grabbing different sportswear that would fit Hayama while going "snowboard might be fun, huh!".
As I watched them two steps behind, Hayama quietly came to my side. "…You sure had an odd middle school life."
"Buzz off."
It wasn't all that odd. There were probably plenty of other people who had the same experience. If anything, Hayama seemed to fit the bill more. But Hayama apparently didn't mean it that way. He shrugged his shoulders and continued.
"I'm not talking about that… During middle school, I heard you liked her?" He said that and looked at Orimoto.
"So that was your type, huh…? Kind of surprising."
You sure are annoying…"
Hayama's smile looked like it was making fun of me. Hayama was the type to not break his smile with his good social manners, but this was the first time I had seen him having a good time. But he didn't have to tell me. I already knew. I would even dare to say it was nothing, but youthful indiscretion on my part. Even if I turned my head the other way, the fact that I thought I liked Orimoto Kaori wouldn't change and that I also confessed to her as well. But that didn't mean Orimoto was the only special one.
"It's not like it was just Orimoto. Completely wrong, I'd say. Girls that were quieter or the more noisy ones were the ones I li… well, those types."
Actually saying the word like was a little too embarrassing for me. I hesitated for a bit before trying to play it off.
"I wouldn't say those types were what you liked." Hayama made a bitter smile. That mature attitude of his ticked me off. An indescribable irritation started to swell inside of me. I held it in and spoke slowly.
"…Besides, that may be the case back then, but that doesn't mean it'll be that way now."
"…Right." Hayama nodded, looking convinced. Our conversation ended there. Even so, Hayama continued to stand next to me. We stood there silently while listening to the BGM playing in the background and Orimoto and her friend's lively chatter.
"So basically…" Hayama suddenly spoke up. But he sounded like he was having difficulty speaking and his words cut off. As I thought about whether he had more to say, I turned to look at his face and Hayama quietly averted his gaze elsewhere. It was directed somewhere far away, somewhere not in the vicinity of the store. "So basically, you've never really actually liked someone, huh?"
Those were words that seized my stomach. In that moment, my breathing had stopped. By reflex, there were no words I could muster out. It was something I never really ever thought about. But I intuitively felt that staying silent wasn't something I should do and I slightly opened my mouth. Even so, my voice wouldn't come out.
As I stood there with no words to respond with, Hayama made a self-derisive smile. "…Both you and me." He quietly looked up as if he was looking at the sky. Hayama's profile looked like he was repenting for something.
"That's why I misunderstood." His small murmur melted in the atmosphere and vanished.
"Hayama, how's this?" Orimoto's voice came from far away. Hayama strongly closed his eyes once and quickly opened them. It was his usual refreshing, smiling face.
"Which one?" He walked towards Orimoto and her friend as he said that. The way he walked off was the Hayama Hayato that I knew.
However, the Hayama Hayato that I didn't know had a sorrowful expression that looked like he was going to cry.
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While they were picking out sportswear, it was just about closing time for the shops. So that meant we were entering the last stretch of my long job as a supplement. When we made it outside, it was completely dark out as well as cold.
Hayama checked his watch and called out to Orimoto and her friend. "Are you guys a bit hungry?"
"Yep!" Orimoto immediately responded and Hayama made a bitter smile.
At a time like this, he wouldn't go so far as to blow off the self-proclaimed refreshing Orimoto. But, I think at times like this was when uncle should be showing off his shy side.
"Okay, what should we eat?" When Hayama asked, Nakamachi looked lost in thought for a moment, but replied modestly.
"Anything's fine with me."
"What to eat, huh?" Orimoto spun around and looked at me. Her expression had hints of amusement mixed in it.
Well, if they asked for my opinion, then I'd answer. I wanted to go home early so I had to choose somewhere close to here. In which case, an appropriate choice would be a store immediately right outside.
"I guess Saizeriya might be good."
I thought about how Chiba's Saizeriya had covered a lot of bases. So my decision came out quickly. But after hearing that, Nakamachi had an apathetic look in her eyes.
"…Eeeh." Didn't you just say you were fine with anything…? So, what were you getting at? You didn't like Saizeriya? Or was it that you didn't like me? Actually, forget about me, apologize to Saizeriya right now. Even if you hate me, please don't hate Saizeriya!
On the other hand, Orimoto held her stomach while going "Saize… Saize, huh… Sa, i, ze…" and burst out into laughter. As I thought about how we were never going to pick anything at this rate, Hayama came in to mediate.
"Well, I guess we shouldn't get anything too heavy so why don't we settle for that café over there?" Hayama pointed in the direction of a café across the street. It was a store that looked chic and hip so the girls nodded in agreement.
They definitely only said yes because Hayama suggested it, didn't they…? Had I blurted this out, I couldn't see a future where everything would work out peacefully. It was basically that. 'The law decrees that you don't get popular from being in a band, but you get popular because you're a popular guy in a band.' Something like that. In any case, we crossed the street and entered the store. The inside was moderately warm and the dim lighting of the store made the atmosphere very comfortable. After each of us made our respective orders, we ascended to the seats on the second floor. The dim store was somewhat empty probably because of the late time. There were several people sitting at the seats to the side of the stairs and at the window counter was one person. Further in were open tables.
With our group, we decided to move over there. From this position, the seats for smokers at the counter that were separated by a sheet of glass could be seen on the other side. And there was a female customer with a hat covering her eyes wearing headphones and of course, she didn't have an ashtray prepared since that was only for smoking customers.
She really did come along… Yukinoshita Haruno secretly waved in such a way that only I could see. Well, it didn't look like she planned on getting in the way so there's no harm in leaving her alone… She hadn't done anything yet so far, after all.
Also, Hayama should have noticed too. But since he hadn't said anything, there was no doubt he was ignoring her. Orimoto and her friend didn't seem to have noticed Haruno at all though. But if you thought about it, that was obvious. It probably never hit them that the older sister in college would come to check out her friend she treats as a little brother on his date. Not that I would think of it either. What's more, the girls were dreamily engrossed in talking with Hayama. Anything else wouldn't come into their view. Ah, I wasn't included either as well.
Due to the warm drinks, the girls were speaking smoothly. I sat there listening to their conversation in silence. For the most part, I made sure not forget to respond accordingly while I blew at my coffee to cool it down. As I raised my head and thought how the coffee had finally cooled down, the conversation had stopped. Orimoto looked like she didn't know what to say and looked at me. Eh, what, did I need to say something? I grew apprehensive for a moment, but it turned out I didn't need to worry.
Orimoto made a laugh and spoke in a ridiculing way. "But Saizeriya's just out of the question!"
"Yeah, no way." Nakamachi giggled in the same way.
…Hoh. So, sorry to ask, what was your name again, Whatmachi? I suppose it was understandable for Orimoto to use me for jokes considering she knew the particulars back in middle school. In fact, it was appropriate. But, for her friend to be doing the same thing was just a little bit questionable…
Once you looked down on someone, then you could say whatever you want. Before I knew it, I was branded as the character you could say whatever you wanted to and do whatever you wanted to. With that acting as the groundwork for everything, as long it was Orimoto, or rather, my past self that caused it to be created, there was nothing I could do. I resigned myself to deal with it.
Aah, coffee and life were really bitter.
I made a bitter, forced smile. While my mouth twitched, sitting next to me was Hayama who put down his cup.
"I don't think I like that very much…"
"Ah, I know, right!" Nakamura responded as if she didn't know what he was referring to.
"Aah, that's not what I meant." Hayama smiled. He spoke in a voice that was sweeter than chocolate and as if he was trying to gently admonish their misunderstanding. "What I'm talking about are you two." He spoke with a voice as bright as the sun.
"E-Ermm…" Orimoto and Nakamachi responded in confusion as if they didn't process what they were told. I wasn't quite able to perceive the meanings of his words and got confused myself. Everyone was speechless and the quietly playing BGM in the store sounded louder than usual. And in that silence were the sounds of footsteps. The sound came from the stairs and it was heading in our direction.
"…Looks like they're here." Hayama muttered and stood up. And then he raised his hand quickly and in the direction of his look stood Yukinoshita and Yui. They were in their uniforms with their bags on their way home. I reflexively stood up when these unexpected visitors showed up.
"You guys…"
"Hikki…" Yui made a seemingly sad smile and stood there idly.
She squeezed the straps of the backpack hung behind her. Next to her was Yukinoshita who only looked at us in a commanding fashion. The cold eyes that showed no emotions that would always clash with mine didn't change. Both of their attitudes felt like they were tormenting me and I couldn't help, but avert my face.
"Why are you guys here…?"
The question that escaped my lips was answered by Hayama.
"I was the one who called them."
Not only did I stare at him in wonder, but also Orimoto and her friend. As far as those two were concerned, they probably didn't even understand what was going on. Hayama's words were harsh and on top of that, people they didn't know showed up. And the one who called those people was Hayama himself. As we stiffened up in this confusion, Hayama turned to Orimoto and her friend and continued.
"Hikigaya isn't the guy you think he is." T
he smile on Hayama's face had already disappeared. His voice sounded distinctly hostile. Orimoto and her friend grew petrified in place as they were given a sharp glare.
"He gets along fine with girls who are a lot more wonderful than you two. Could you please stop saying whatever you like from just his appearance alone?"
In the direction Hayama was pointing out were Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. Orimoto and her friend looked their way. And then, a groaning sigh could be heard. Their voices wouldn't come out. The reason was because they were disillusioned with the man called Hayama Hayato or because they feared him and at the same time confused. As they wondered how they were supposed to answer, a silence emerged. Except for one person. Was it my imagination that I could hear a sneer in the direction of the seats at the counter on the smoker side?
Eventually, Orimoto made a deep sigh. "Sorry, I'll be going home."
When she said that, she grabbed her bag. Nakamachi followed her in a panic. "Y-Yeah. Sorry, me too…"
The two stood up and headed for the stairs down to the first floor. Halfway through when Orimoto was just about to pass by Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, she stopped for a moment. She looked at them both with a glance.
Yukinoshita continued to stare at me and Hayama as if someone like Orimoto wasn't someone worthy of consideration in her line of sight while Yui uncomfortably looked away because of the awkwardness of being stared at.
"I see." Orimoto murmured, looking convinced and continued walking.
When Nakamachi began climbing down the stairs, she turned around once and looked at Hayama. But, even so, she faced back down the stairs and descended quietly.
When Orimoto and Nakamachi disappeared, Yukinoshita let out a small sigh. She then gently spoke.
"I heard we were meeting up regarding the election." As she said that, Yukinoshita sent Hayama a sharp glare. The glint in her eyes directed blame at Hayama more so than words could. Hayama couldn't think of how to answer and looked away.
"By election, do you mean the student council?" When I asked, Yukinoshita ignored my question and Hayama nodded feebly.
Yui, however, tried to smooth it over while stuttering in the process. "U-Um, you see, Yukinon and I talked about how maybe we could try to get Hayato to come out for the election, so that's why today, we were going to talk to him about it, and, and…" She rapidly spoke on and on, but at the very end, she lost her words.
As expected, Yukinoshita and Yui planned to nominate Hayama as the candidate. That decision itself wasn't all that mysterious. You could even say it was correct. But it was odd for Hayama to actually accept it. Regardless of how much of a 'can't refuse someone if they asked for help' personality he had, Hayama was in a club. On top of that, he was the club president. If he was half-hearted about either one, he'd cause trouble for both. Hayama should've been well aware of that. So there was no way he'd be able to accept the offer so easily. As I stood there not understanding what Hayama's real intent was, I looked at Hayama.
When I did, Hayama who took on my glare responded in a weak voice. "I just wanted to do whatever I could." The one who reacted to those words wasn't me.
"Hmmm, I see, I see." The woman who had been sitting at the seats for smokers in the corner the entire time stood up. She took off her hat and walked up to us.
"Haruno…" When Haruno appeared, for the first time, Yukinoshita was trembling. She probably wasn't expecting to meet her in a place like this. When Haruno saw this, a malicious smile formed on her face.
"So Yukino isn't going to try for the student council president, huh? I was so sure you were going to." She took one step after another, closing the distance between her and Yukinoshita before eventually standing in front of her. Yukinoshita bit her lips and softly casted down her eyes.
But even if she averted her gaze, she couldn't keep her ears from listening. "The way you just push things on to other people is exactly like mom." Those words were words Yukinoshita couldn't respond to and all she could do was strongly clench her fist. Haruno moved her face closer to Yukinoshita and softly rubbed her nape.
"Well, that actually might just fit you Yukino. You don't have to do anything after all. Someone will always do it for you, right?" She traced her long, supple fingers smoothly across her pale nape. She continued on as if she was tearing out her arteries and as if she was gradually strangling her neck.
When her fingers reached her throat, Yukinoshita brushed off Haruno's arms. For several seconds, Yukinoshita and Haruno stood off against each other. No one was allowed to come in between them. "I see. So that's how it is…" Yukinoshita murmured and then shot a glare at Hayama.
Hayama made a deep sigh and closed his eyes while Haruno fearlessly smiled. Yukinoshita adjusted her bag on her shoulders and turned around. "If you don't have anything to talk about then, I'll be leaving…"
She turned half her body to say that and began walking. The frozen time slowly shifted into motion once again. Once we were able to breathe again, Yui came back to her senses and chased after Yukinoshita.
"W-Wait, Yukinon!" When the sound of hurried footsteps disappeared down into the stairs, the only ones left were me, Hayama, and Haruno.
"Why would you go through the trouble of saying that to Yukinoshita?" When I asked, Haruno's cruel smile she had the entire time disappeared and she let out a small sigh.
"Do you really have to ask? It's always like that."
"If you were just being meddlesome, then that seemed a little overboard to me." Up until now, Haruno had always meddled with Yukinoshita in some way. But today, there was clearly a difference. Those supposed words of provocation had a hint of lukewarm aggression. Curious about the reason, I decided to ask, but Haruno tilted her head in a sweet fashion and played dumb.
"You think so?"
Brothers and sisters were, no, it was exactly because they were brothers and sisters that there were things that just wouldn't work well together. It was especially even more apparent when these two sisters were continuously compared for their excellence. That's why, it was reasonable to see why Yukinoshita would think a particular way towards her older sister. At the same time, Haruno was also subjected to this comparison. Then from just that alone, it wouldn't be odd to think Haruno thought the same way towards her younger sister.
"Yes. Well, since I have a little sister myself, I can kinda see that there's going to be something between siblings." That's why I could say this with confidence. But when Haruno heard that, she smiled. It was completely different from the smile at the donuts shop. There was absolutely no trace of that calm demeanor of hers back then.
"Hikigaya, you seem to understand everything, huh?" Those words that dripped with sarcasm felt like it was sneering at the depths of my shallowness. Simultaneously, there was this rejecting sharpness that barred all outsiders. The pressure that was exerted from this hidden smile gave me goose bumps.
"…"
Looking at my attitude, Haruno's eyes narrowed. Her stare was different from earlier and was much kinder. The tone of her voice also brightened.
"Don't make that scary face. I really am impressed."
"Thanks for that…"
I rubbed my clothes at the area where the goose bumps were as I answered. Haruno whose gaze was directed at me was surprisingly soft. "You really are interesting. The way you always look beyond a person's words and actions. I actually like that quite a lot you know."
My words got trapped in my throat when she gave me those sudden words and with a smile, Haruno added more.
"Things that shrink back from something malicious really are cute."
In that sadistic expression of hers wasn't the slightest hint of love or anything of the sort. It was a lot simpler. They were eyes that looked like they were watching a pet. That gaze then shifted over to my side.
"People who can do everything flawlessly just aren't interesting at all, right?"
Silent the entire time, Hayama let out a sigh that sounded like he was coughing. It didn't need to be asked as to who she was referring to; I knew.
As Hayama and I stood there without answering, Haruno slightly shrugged her shoulders. She then grabbed her belongings that were left at her seat.
"Anyway, I understand now what was bothering me, so I'll be going home now. I'm more or less done with this." She parted with just those words without turning back and quickly headed for the stairs.
The way she left so skillfully was very typical of a free person like her; it didn't look like anyone could tie her down. Just a slight hint of Haruno's perfume lingered. It was just me and Hayama left. I wanted to hurry up and put an end to this sour moment and reached for my bag. But there were just a few words in my mouth. These few words came out even though I tried to hold it in.
"…Don't butt your head in to something you didn't need to." It was likely I wasn't angry at what Hayama did in its entirety. What I hated was letting Yukinoshita and Yuigahama see me with Orimoto and her friend.
Even though a portion of me had already understood it, I still couldn't help, but get irritated. Hayama made a self-deprecated laugh and relaxed his shoulders. When he did that, the Hayama whom I thought was overbearing looked tiny.
"Sorry. I didn't mean for that to happen… I just did what I wanted to do."
"Are… you talking about what Orimoto said earlier?"
That wasn't something I expected from the Hayama normally. That also applied to that cruel smile that Yukinoshita Haruno had. Even though she was so pretty and bright, there was just something shallow somewhere in that smile of hers. I was aware that his actions were just to protect me. Even so, I just couldn't comprehend why Hayama would go as far as destroying his own image to do that. "…Did it make you feel like a big man?" I spat with some venom.
"…It's the worst feeling ever, I don't want to do it again." Hayama bit his lips and I spat out.
"Then don't even bother in the first place." Really, what a joke. I just didn't understand what these nice guys were thinking about. Because they were so in love with everyone getting along, they ended up opening up other problems when they try to fix one. I didn't even ask to be thrown into that circle either.
Hayama fell back onto the chair. And then he looked at me, suggesting me to sit down. I declined that offer and waited for his words while standing. When I did, Hayama sighed thinking not much he could do and leaned forward while crossing his fingers.
"…I've always been thinking. About how I could recover the things that were destroyed."
"Huh?" I didn't know what Hayama was getting at. But based on his ambiguous way of speaking, basically, he wanted to avoid referring to something, and I guessed at what he was actually talking about.
"I… actually expected things of you and even though I already understood, I ended up asking you anyway. Because of that…"
"Hey."
Don't say anything more. The voice I used to stop him sounded more violent than normal. I wasn't in the mood to be touching upon what he was talking about anymore. The things that should have been settled and ended were about to be dug from their grave from what Hayama was about to say. Hayama looked like he didn't want to touch on that either and momentarily cut off his words. He then threw it out which followed into his conclusion.
"You need to really understand your own worth…. Not just you, but also everyone around you."
"I know my worth. I'm dogshit. Same as you," I bit back. "And if you're too stupid to understand that change is the natural state of the world you deserve pain."
"But that's just really difficult to do… I guess there might have been a better way to do it… But this was the only thing I could do."
Hayama said those self-deprecating words and made a bitter smile. But when that smile disappeared, he looked at me with extremely sad eyes.
"…You probably did things this way up until now. Can't you stop making yourself a victim?" "
…Don't lump me together with you." What was locked in my throat came out with my breath. My voice quietly reverberated in the store. Mixed in my voice was irritation, rage, and then a small amount of grief that I only just noticed.
…Aah, I really was irritated. It was a mixed feeling. Even though you were just standing by, even though you came this close. Why were you going over there?
I'm sure I was just expecting the truth. Maybe Hayama might have actually understood. But that was wrong. Don't look down on me and sympathize with me. Don't pity me. Hayama was misunderstanding. I pitied Hayama so I lent him a hand. But it made no sense for Hayama to pity me. A lump of undefinable emotions came out on its own from my mouth.
"Victim? Don't screw with me. It's something completely natural to me." Hayama listened silently to the words I shot at him. He stood there just looking like he was impressed. That made me even more irritated.
"It's because I'm always by myself. When there's something that needs to be solved, the only one who can do that is me. Then, the obvious course of action is to go through with it." The only one in my world was just me alone. Whenever I confronted whatever I could, the only one there was just me alone.
"That's why anything around me didn't matter. Whatever things that happen in front of me were always and are always the things that only I could do. Don't go misunderstanding it and butting your nose in."
The world was my ego.
If I chose to do something and it failed, then that was fine. However, if some outsider tried to take that result and make it his own, then that was completely different. They were usurpers who tried to act like a savior. I glared at Hayama and he returned the glare back. At some point, Hayama, who probably hadn't noticed himself, was clenching his fists. He suddenly loosened his grip and casted his eyes downward.
"You… You help people because you want someone to help you, right?"
"The gods themselves can't save me from me. I get what I deserve."
I stopped bothering with glaring at him. I didn't ask for that superficial kindness and pity.
This adolescent drama with the template asking for tears was so disgusting it made me want to vomit. In this drama, no matter how it was structured, there would always be a loser and that was an unavoidable fact. Then there was the possibility that there would be times where I was the loser. Even the Hayama in front may have to become a loser too. This was a zero-sum game. If someone were to get the good end of the stick, then someone would get the bad end. There was nothing more than that. Even if you glorified your youth, just one mistake could completely turn it over. But even so, all of you guys should stop labeling things while you look down on them. Don't show your sympathy, don't show your pity. Because that was nothing more than comforting yourself. I snatched the bag that I left alone.
"Don't go pushing your disgusting sympathy onto me and arbitrarily pitying me as you please. That kind of labeling is nothing, but trouble." I spat out those words, turned my back, and descended down the stairs. I left the store with a speed faster than usual and I didn't stop until I made it close to the station.
It wasn't like anyone was chasing after me, but I continued to keep moving. When I made it to the parking area where I left my bike, I finally stopped. I looked up to the sky and numerous stars glittered. Numerous bikes fell over possibly because of the cold, blowing wind. The bike that was at the very bottom of the heap was mine. As I pulled up each bike one by one, words left my lips.
"…Don't screw with me."
Who were those words aimed at? I won't let anyone call it self-sacrifice. I won't let anyone call those who picked to the best of their ability the choice that was most effective amongst their limited choices a victim. It was a disgrace that surpassed everything. It was blasphemy against those who desperately tried to live. Even if it had no form, even if it didn't show in my voice, even if it didn't come out as words. There was definitely something I believed in. Perhaps, it was one the one thing that I had in common with a certain someone. That belief that I once had was now lost.
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-WG
