pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq
Yukinoshita and Yui. In the event that either one of them becomes the student council president, what problem might occur? That was the loss of the Service Club. That was fine in itself. It was inevitable. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Even if nothing came up, once we graduated, the club would disappear. Then what was the problem?
I already knew from the start that the club would disappear. So where was the problem there? Wait, no, in the first place, why was I trying to look for a problem? In fact, the act of trying to look for a problem itself would become the problem.
Whether I was thinking seriously or stupidly, an answer wouldn't come to mind. I looked up to the ceiling and let out a deep sigh. If I didn't understand the problem, then there shouldn't be an answer. What it came down to was that I didn't have a 'reason' that would be the prerequisite. A reason to just move and to just act. A reason that captured the problem.
If there wasn't a reason that was the cause, then there would be no problem. Isshiki's request was something nearly settled, what with Yukinoshita and Yui running as candidates. You could even say that their plan was perfect with a high rate of success. In that case, I had no turn. That's why, as far as Isshiki's case was concerned, there was no reason to go against those two. But even so, there was still this uneasy feeling that I needed to do something left.
The question 'was this okay as it is?' kept repeating itself. Every time, I would refute it, only for it to be asked again and I would refute it once more, this repetition never ending. Jeez, what an awful disposition. Realizing things halfway through was quite a problem itself too. Still, most of the problems up until now were settled just because. In the first place, there wasn't anyone who I could talk to about my problems, but even if there was someone, I wouldn't have gone to them anyway. People should only approach those who they could reach or those who supported them. If you tried to cross beyond the boundary to rely on them, both of you would meet your end. For instance, it was similar to asking a friend who you had a transparent relationship with to be your cosigner for a loan.
With that reason, the range of whom I could rely on was incredibly narrow. As long you couldn't properly be someone's support, then you couldn't afford to ask for support yourself. If we both met our end together, then I would be trampling on the kindness of the person who extended out their hand to me. I'd be trampling on the trust of the person who relied on me. Living life without being a bother to others was the creed of loners.
Not being the extra baggage of others was their pride.
Therefore, the things that I normally could do were my pride. That's why, I wouldn't rely on anyone and I wouldn't let anyone rely on me. But if there was one exception to the rule, then that would be family. You could bother your family as much as you wanted. I wouldn't mind regardless of how much a bother my family was to me. Your family members would approach you freely with their trust and kindness and extend their hands out to you regardless of the possibility of the situation.
Even if my pops was kind of a super useless person, even if my mom was pretty lively and could be pretty annoying sometimes, even if I was a complete good-for-nothing, and even if my little sister who was cute and a little bit mean-spirited was somewhat shallow. That relationship didn't need a reason. In fact, even the reason 'it's because they're family' would suffice. Of course, it was the same when you couldn't forgive someone or hated someone. But suppose if I were to rely on someone right now. Then would that someone be from my family? It's just, well, this wasn't a topic that I could talk about with pops and mom…
Some use they were. They only existed to raise me, occasionally scold me, and give me love, didn't they? Worry about old age and your health before you worry about me, jeez. There were screaking sounds as the door of the living room opened. Was it Kamakura again? Or so I thought as I turned around. The one who entered the living room was Komachi wearing a shirt bigger than her size.
Komachi looked like she was taking a break from her studies and came down to get a drink as she opened the refrigerator while ignoring me. But apparently there wasn't anything she seemed to like as she closed the door.
She looked like she only came down for a drink as she was about to leave the living room.
I unintentionally called out to her from behind.
"Komachi."
"…What is it?" Komachi moved only her head and looked at me from the side. She's still angry huh…
Maybe this wasn't the best time to talk to her. But if I just told her it was nothing, it'd probably worsen her mood.
"Aah… do you want coffee?" I stumbled for a moment before I asked her and Komachi nodded slightly.
"…Sure."
"…Roger that." I stood up and got ready to make coffee. I poured water in the teakettle and set it. While waiting for it to boil, I took out two mugs and grabbed instant coffee. Komachi rested her chin on her hands on the kitchen counter, waiting wordlessly for the water to boil. I stood there wordlessly as well. Eventually, the water boiled and I poured it into the mugs.
The smell of coffee and the warmth of the water ascended. I turned the handle of the mug towards Komachi and handed it to her.
"Here."
"Mm."
Komachi took the cup and headed for the door. It looked like she was going to go back to her room. The way she was moving clearly said not to talk to her until things cooled down between us, but not learning my lesson, I called out to her.
"Hey, Komachi…"
"…"
Komachi stopped in front of the door. However, she stood there silently waiting for my words without turning to me. Was she thinking how I wouldn't give up despite saying something so late? As I worried about that, I spoke.
"…I have something I need to talk to you about."
"Mm. I'll hear you out." But Komachi responded instantly and rested against the wall.
After facing each other for the first time after a whole week, we both looked at each other and laughed after a long time. Komachi momentarily stopped her laugh and lightly cleared her throat. "But before that, there's something else you need to say, right?"
It was as Komachi said. We were having a fight just moments ago so asking for a consultation out of the blue was too selfish. I scratched my head as I searched for the words I needed to say.
"…Well, you know, last time was kinda that. Sorry for speaking to you like that." Komachi then had a puffy, sullen look.
"It's not just that. Your attitude, your personality, and also your eyes."
"I suppose…" With that laid out before me, I didn't have a single rebuttal. Komachi continued further.
"Besides, I bet it was your fault that whatever happened anyway."
"Aah, you got that right." There were no words I could respond with. Komachi's questioning continued on.
"Also, you still haven't apologized."
"Nng…. True enough." When she brought it up, the words I expressed earlier probably weren't words you could call an apology. Just as I was about to properly say it one more time, Komachi let out a small sigh. And then in resignation, she smiled kindly.
"But, well, considering it's Big Brother, that's good enough, as far as Komachi's concerned. Komachi's your little sister, after all. So I'll forgive you."
"Thanks for that…" While I was the one who made her angry, wasn't she just being a little too cheeky right now…? I got the feeling my discontent was showing in my voice and face. Of course, Komachi noticed so I looked away for a bit and cleared my throat.
"Also… Komachi's sorry too." Komachi was awfully polite in her bowing. Seeing that, I couldn't help, but smile sarcastically.
"Nah, you don't need to worry about it. I'll forgive you. I'm your big brother after all."
"Whaaa, this person's so arrogant!"
"But that was the same reasoning as yours!" I protested.
"Yeah but that was for Komachi points. It wasn't in earnest."
"Then I earnestly apologize, Komachi," I apologized.
"So what's on your mind?" Komachi asked.
I told her everything. What? She was my little sister! I was allowed. I told her everything from the field trip to today.
"Big brother… you are so fucking stupid."
"Hey now. I'm trying to be earnest here," I protested.
"Still though… so fucking dumb. I told you to keep an open mind, remember!?"
"Okay but what does that have to do with my current situation. I don't want club to end."
"It isn't about you. Don't you get that yet?"
"Okay. It isn't about me. It's about Yui. She doesn't want club to end either."
"It isn't about her either."
"Then it's about Yukinoshita. But how?"
"What if this is what she wants big brother? Have you thought of that?"
"I did," I returned. And indeed I had. "This isn't what she wants. She wants to be left alone."
"Does she?"
"Well damn Komachi! I don't know!"
"Well I don't know either!" She shouted back.
"Then what are we doing?!" I demanded full of angst.
"How do you intend to find out what she wants?"
"I could… I could always ask her, you know?"
She nodded like she got it and she did. "Ask her. Then come up with a plan."
"I'd frankly rather come up with a plan then ask her. Just to give her the options, you know?"
"Tell her that!"
"Well damn Komachi."
"I told you to keep an open mind."
"I thought that was only for Yui."
"It was for both of them!"
"Well damn Komachi! What the fuck would make you happy?"
"You being happy!"
"Well golly damn gosh Komachi," I sighed.
"Yeah," she agreed. "Is that a tall order?"
"Little bit," I informed her.
"But not impossible."
"No it isn't impossible," I agreed.
"Well then Komachi will have to keep trying."
"I'm going to kill myself," I whispered.
"What?"
"You heard me," I muttered. "I just didn't want you to be the one who found my body."
"Big brother…"
"It's true. I would have killed myself if not for you. I wouldn't have published my paper if not for you."
"You don't need me anymore," she whispered back.
"You're wrong."
"You have Yukino-san and Yui-san."
"Do I?" I demanded.
"Open Mind!" She shouted.
"Okay fuck. But open mind about what?"
She sat down next to me.
"Big brother, they both like you. And they like each other."
"Yeah. I know. But open mind about what?"
"They like like you. They like the sacrifices you're willing to make."
"What sacrifices. They are real people. Their lives have value. What is my life compared to that."
"You're a genius and you work hard."
"Unlikely…"
"Big brother girls don't invest time and energy into nothing. They see something in you."
"So what do I do?"
"Your instincts were good. Give Yui-san and Yukino-san options. That's sweet."
"It's selfish of me."
"So be selfish. You're allowed to be a little selfish, big brother. When it comes to people you love. And you do love them. Or you want to love them. I can tell."
I sighed heavily. "I'll try and convince Isshiki to take on the role of president. There's no other way out."
"Good. And then?"
"And then I'll call Yukinoshita and ask if this is what she really wants."
"And then?"
"And then I'll support her. No matter what she chooses."
"Good boy. And Yui?"
"I'll remind her that change happens. And that I'll still love her and Yukinoshita will still love her no matter what she does."
"And then?"
"I'll support her. No matter what she chooses."
"Then what do you need me for?"
"I need you to show me the way, Komachi. I'm too blind to see the way on my own."
"Well that's true enough I suppose. I'll be there to support you."
"Thank you."
"And Yui-san and Yukino-san?"
"I'm not ready yet. For whatever you have in mind. And I may never be."
"That's fine. Just so long as you know what you had."
"What do I have? Komachi?"
"Whatever you want."
"I want…" I wanted freedom. I wanted to know I was free. But I also desired chains. What kind of sick man loved chains? Well I was sick. That's for certain.
"I want to sail through the darkness of the cosmos with this planet as my vessel. I want Yui and Yukinoshita. I also want you Komachi. I want you to be there for me."
"Big brother… of course I'll always be here for you. Even when I'm gone I'll be there for you."
"Planning on leaving me soon? That cuts deep, Komachi."
She giggled. "Not any time soon. You'll still have me all through college and later in life."
"Do you want to go to college, Komachi?"
"Yes." She nodded. "I want to be an educated little bitch."
"Hey if I don't get to swear then neither do you."
"Still though. I want to go to college and meet somebody sweet. Maybe bring them home for big brother and mama and papa to meet. I want that."
"You know if I didn't know you I'd be intimidated by you, right?" I asked.
"But you do know me. Besides, you're not exactly Mr. Approachable yourself."
"Yeah but for different reasons. I'm not cute."
"Dawww. Big brother…"
"It's the truth. You're adorable Komachi and you're so in the know. Say…"
"Yes?"
"This… this thing with me, Yui, and Yukinoshita?"
"What about it?"
"Will it work out?" I prayed.
"That's up to you big brother. But now I'm headed off to bed. Do your best. It's enough."
"Okay. Yeah. Sure," I agreed.
pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq pq
-WG
