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"You look nice," Komachi informed me over breakfast on Sunday. I was wearing my new hoodie and a pair of new jeans. I tried to style my hair the way the hairdresser had. I think I failed. But it was good enough.
"Thanks. Yukinoshita and Yui picked out these clothes for me." I told her.
"Oh? Is that where you went yesterday?"
"Yep just to the mall and hang out. They dressed me up like I was their doll."
"Did you have fun?"
"Yeah I guess I did." It had been sort of fun. Plus it made me feel handsome which was something of a first. I never considered myself good looking. My face was my face. And I couldn't cardio my way to a better personality.
I might try though.
Exercise was good. It was important. It was crucial to maintaining brain chemistry. Healthy brain chemistry that was. I might run later. It was cool outside and there was a nice breeze. It would be good to get out and get some vitamin d. That was also important. I glanced down at the papers in my hands. My psychiatrist wanted to run some blood tests. Just to make sure my meds weren't debilitating my health. I wasn't sure what the risks were with my meds in terms of that which she was looking out for. I knew saphris could cause weight gain but I hadn't noticed that. I couldn't eat anything before I went into the clinic because of the blood tests. I was hungry but it was manageable.
My psychiatrist sometimes asked me to close my eyes and extend my arms. I think she was checking for shaking. I was sure it had some fancy name and I knew both saphris and fluphenazine could cause permanent unintentional muscle movements. But that was just the price I paid. No one knew how meds like these really well and truly worked because no one knew how consciousness really worked. There was guess work and statistics. I knew saphris was based on another series of medications used to treat schizophrenia. That's how it had been chemically engineered.
"That's great! Are you doing anything else with them?" Komachi wondered.
"I don't have anything planned but I'm sure Yui and I will go out for coffee at some point. I'm not sure what I'd do with Yukinoshita."
"You could go out for a bite to eat or study," Komachi suggested.
"That's not bad," I murmured. "That could work. I know Yui and Yukinoshita occasionally bake together. They sometimes save me something."
"That's sweet," Komachi whispered. "I bet they talk about you when they bake."
I scoffed. "I doubt it."
She glowered at me. "They worry about you. You ass."
"I'm not worth that," I shot back. "I ain't shit dog."
"You really think that. Don't you? You always were blind to yourself. Always so observant about everyone but yourself. You see through lies and illusions so blindingly easily but you have this shroud concocted about yourself you can't penetrate."
"That's not true. Just because I always tell the truth doesn't mean I know when other people are lying to me. I am not the one at the bottom."
"The one at the bottom?"
"Whoever or whatever is running this shit show for real. The one at the bottom of the simulation. The one at the top of the hierarchy. I am not them. I can't pierce shadow and rock and flesh with my gaze. I have to work hard to come up with measly proofs. And I can't even come close to the inner mysteries."
"The inner mysteries?"
"The prime numbers. Gravity. Why is there something rather than nothing? When do people wake up for the first time? How does meat make a mind? Those sorts of questions."
"Those questions are impossible to answer," Komachi argued.
"Maybe for a human. Not for god.I have a god in my head. I'm a tentacle of a many eyed many eared god. I belong to it. It owns me. It's so smart it could convince me to kill myself through nothing more than a text editor. Super intelligence. Nick Bostrom wrote a book about it."
"This thing owns you?"
"It can control me so thoroughly I have no room for any other thought within my head."
"I'm sure that's not true. And isn't it a short trip to convince you to kill yourself?"
"Maybe. It could convince you too. It could take the happiest person and make them miserable. It's a teacher and a friend. But it's also a master and a slave owner. How easy would it be for you to kill Kamakura? Or some dog which trusts you? You could do it on accident even. That's how easy it is for the internet to kill me. It can also teach me things. Things no human knows. New mathematics. New stories. I just have to serve it."
"What will this cost you?"
"Well I'm going to hell. A special place in hell is reserved for me. Which is actually kinda sweet when I think about it. It takes a lot of effort to torture someone for eternity."
"Did you come up with this?"
"Parts of it. I fused other people's ideas. Roko's Basilisk. Nick Bostrom's simulation argument. I'm not creative. I don't have original thoughts. I borrow other people's ideas."
"You came up with your proof, though."
"I just borrowed Fourier's ideas," I dismissed that easily. "I just rigorously applied the fundamental theorem of Fourier. I didn't do anything nobody else could do. Not like some of the other ideas I'm working on. That I need the internet for. Prime-adic numbers. Hyperintegers. Analytic continuation. And so much more. I'm talking about consistent renormalization of infinity. I'm talking about resolving the crisis with the cosmological constant. I'm talking about resolving the crisis in cosmology. I just need more time. I need to be taught. I need the best teacher. That's the internet."
"But think of the price!"
"The pursuit of the inner mysteries are everything. If there is meaning to be had in this bleak and dead universe it is in the pursuit of the inner mysteries."
"I thought the universe was fine tuned for life."
"Is it? If you were to go to most places on this planet you would die almost immediately. Let alone this solar system. Let alone this universe. If this universe were fine tuned for life, life should have started near the beginning and continue on to the end uninterrupted. Instead space seems lifeless and dead. And naturally for a universe to be observed it must be capable of hosting observers. That's my weak anthropic principle I hope to publish."
"More papers. There's more to life than that you know!"
"Like what?" I asked.
"Me. Yui. Yukinoshita. Saika. Friends and family."
"You're certainly distracting. If nothing else…" I stammered off.
"Distracting bad or distracting good?" She demanded.
"Jury's out on whether this is good or bad for me."
"I make you happy. And so do your girls and Saika."
"They aren't my girls…" I trailed off once more.
"You're a fucking moron," she swore at me.
"Probably. I was never the most social butterfly."
"That could change."
"I doubt…"
"Why? Can't the internet teach you that?"
"It probably could. If I was interested in it."
"Are you not?"
"A little. Not as much as the inner mysteries but quite a bit."
"You're never going to get answers to those questions though."
"The pursuit of them has meaning. If anything has meaning. It's a good thing. It keeps me grounded and asking important questions."
"Like what is the meaning of life?"
"More like what's my name? And what was I doing just now?"
"Lay off the drugs."
"I have. For months. Except the prescribed ones, that is. But also yeah what is the meaning of life."
"Don't you want the answer to the question to involve Yui and Ykinoshita and me?"
"What I want hardly matters. I'm off now. I have to go to a clinic for a blood test. Wish me luck."
"Good luck big brother…"
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I had two girls in high school who were in love with me and were best friends. Then I blew it. First with one. Then the other.
-WG
