House of the Rising Sun

I did it. I pulled the trigger. I've actually tried to do it. So if I pulled the trigger, why the hell am I not dead yet?

I looked back at the gun in my hands. The hammer was now uncocked. This six-shooter is a double-action, so it should've recocked so that it's ready to fire. That is if there was a bullet that was loaded. So it wasn't loaded.

From the shock of pulling the trigger of a gun pointed towards my hand, I dropped the pistol, clattering to the ground with a loud thud. Taking a gulp, I faced my father. The same person who told me to pull the trigger.

"So," he rasped under his breath, "You did have it in you after all."

I approached him, kicking aside the gun that skittered across the room. I looked at him. Pure rage pulsed in my veins as if I was about to explode. Who wouldn't? This fucker ruined my life. Him. This… monster standing in front of me.

He placed a hand on my shoulder and shoved me back. "You little prick," he rasped, "You're guilty about Wyatt, right? Besides, it was your fault he died."

I stepped back from the force of my dad shoving me back. As I regained my balance, I thought about it. It really was my fault, huh? I shouldn't've said that shit. I was the one who pushed him off the edge. My fucking fault.

It's my fault he died. It's my fault he tied that noose. It's my fault he put his head through the noose and kicked the stool from under him. It's my fault my sister started cutting. It's my fault for feeling like this. My fault. I could've prevented this. I know I could've prevented this. Now, I can never take it back. Never. Never. Never.

I never should've said that stuff before. I just… I didn't know he would do that. I didn't know he would try and commit suicide. Fuck, I didn't know, okay? I didn't know that would happen.

It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

It's…

...not my fault. I wasn't the one who killed himself. I wasn't the one who hung that rope on the ceiling fan. I wasn't the one who kicked the stool from under me. It can't be my fault.

I have a choice here. I could either say nothing and keep everything the way it is, keep the delicate balance that has been keeping me sane all of this time. Or I could fight back. Fight against my father. Fight against all that I have ever known. Risk it all in this deadly game. But this isn't just a game. This is a matter of taking my own life into my own hands for once. Just this one fucking time.

"You know what?" I said, my voice seething with anger. "Fuck you. Fuck you very much. I wished you were dead. Because you are dead to me."

I looked at my father one more time. One more fucking time. Before I stomp his skull in, I looked at him. Once my father, now my enemy.

"What did you say?" he growled. He stepped towards me and reached out, grabbing my shirt and lifting it high, shaking me.

I pushed him back. I laid my hands on his chest and pushed him back. I fought back. Like a rebel, I stood my ground. Do I regret it? Maybe. At that point, my life changed. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. I have probably freed myself from the clutches of my father, but I probably lost him in the process.

Dad has always wanted me under his boot like a bug. He wanted to shadow me. He didn't want me to be the best that I can. He let my brother go, but he wanted to keep me by his side. It's like he got some domineering complex. This time is now the time I fought back.

"I. Hate. You."

At that instant, the front door opened. And for a second, time stood still. The only thing that broke the silence was the dropping of a grocery bag, the cans inside the plastic bag clattering against each other as the bag hit the ground.

"Ken!" Mom cried out, "I told you to stay out of the house!"

"Shut it, Mary!" bellowed Dad, "Stay outta this conversation."

Mom approached Dad and pulled his shoulder back so he turned to face her. Megan walked up from behind Mom and ran past our parent's right to the kitchen. I also took that opportunity to get out of there. To run away. I ran upstairs while my parents argued. As always.

I ran to my room and shut the door. I just wanted to lock myself in that room, where no one can get me. I wanted to just stay in that room, where no one can hurt me. I wanted to die in that room, just like how my brother died.

My parents yelling made its way to my room, echoing in my head like a gong. I can't stop their voices, even if I covered my ears. I just can't.

"FUCK!" I screamed as my knees gave out. I collapsed to the floor, holding my head in my hands. I just wanted it all to be over. I just wanted everything to stop. Tears rolled off my cheek. And I cried. I cried and cried. I couldn't stop even if I tried.

I remembered my friends who were still in Japan. CJ and the triplets. The literature club girls. Nakano Natsuki, Saito Yuri, Ono Sayori, Takeuchi Monika. I remembered them. I remembered how Nakano-san and her tsundere tendencies. Saito-san and her mysterious nature. Takeuchi-san's teasing friendliness. And Ono-chan's childhood friend construct.

I remembered how I first met each of them. Nakano-san kicking me in balls. Saito-san's hand accidentally touching mine as we tried to grab the same book. Takeuchi-san sitting next to me in class. And Ono-chan tackling me out of nowhere on my first day of school. It kind of felt like a romance anime.

The weird thing is that once I started thinking about the girls, I stopped crying. Tears stopped falling. Instead, I felt like smiling. I felt that frown melting off of my face, remaking itself into a grin. That's when I knew that's where I belonged. Not here in Hawaii, but over there across an ocean. To the Land of the Rising Sun. I just want to run away to Japan.

As I stood up, the door opened ever so slightly. "Sawyer?" I heard my sister quietly call as she poked her head in, "May I come in?"

In the background, I could hear the slamming of a door. I didn't hear my parents arguing anymore. I think Dad left. For good, I hope. I don't wanna see that bastard anymore.

"Yeah," I said, wiping the tears off my face, "Come in."

She walked in and closed the door behind her. She sat down on the bottom bunk while I stayed standing. I leaned against the corkboard, the knife that was stuck there right next to my face. Megan looked at me apprehensively.

"You okay?" she asked.

"What do you fucking think?" I said, snorting.

"What did Dad say?" she asked, ignoring my aggressive attitude.

"What do you think? That I deserve to die, that's what," I sneered. I'm not in a good mood as you can see. God, even writing this down pulls down my mood. I can't believe I grew up like this, like an abused kid.

"I swear, I'm gonna use that knife you took from me and hurt him," she grumbled. She crossed her arms and shook her head. "What are you gonna do?"

"Gettin' outta here," I said, turning my head to see the pictures on the corkboard behind me, the pictures of me and my siblings having fun and enjoying life. "Better than staying here in this shithole. I wish I could take you with m-"

"No need," she said, "someone's gotta take care of Mom."

"Maybe I should just stay. To take care of you guys."

"No," Megan said, shaking her head, "Get outta here. There's no use in staying. Don't worry, I got this."

"What about you? And your arm?" I asked.

"I-I'll… do something about it. Please, I'll do anything for you to get out of this place. I'll… go to a therapist. I'll take advantage of Wyatt's GI bill. Please, I just want to protect you."

I snorted. "As your older brother, I should take care of you."

"I know how to take care of myself, thank you very much. You've seen me. Please, just go back to Japan."

Megan stood up and put her arms on my shoulders. We met each other's gaze and saw that she was serious about me leaving. I'm a coward. I took the coward's way out. I'm running away.

"Ok, fine," I said, "I'll go."

As Megan left the room, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the dog tags. I heard the pieces of metal clinking against each other, the beaded necklace holding the tags together. I saw the name of the previous owner and thought about his relationship with my grandpa. Now, I have to help myself. And you'll find out later, I'll have to help my new friends.

I put the tags around my neck and grabbed my bag. I took a look at my room one more time and remembered how I used to share this room with my brother. Now that he's gone and I'm in Japan, ain't no one's gonna be in this room for a long time. I don't intend on coming back to this house. Not while he's around. So I'm just gonna run. Run-on for a long time. Before I cut myself down.

I saw that Mom had quickly composed herself. Dad had left the house. I wish he would never come back. The moment I reached the bottom floor, she embraced me. "I'm so sorry," she apologized, "I'm sorry I couldn't keep him out. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Mom," I said while resting a hand on her back, "I'm okay. I'm okay. I just want to leave."

"Yes, yes, anything you want," she said as she released her embrace.

After that, she and Megan drove me to the airport. I said my goodbyes to my loving mother and caring sister. I wonder how they're gonna hold up. I hope they'll be alright without me. They've been alright ever since, but I'm still worried.

As I got onto the plane, I put my bag into the overhead compartment and took the window seat. As I looked out of the window, I saw the sun slowly rising above the horizon as the start of a new day. A new life for me. A better life. I know it. I just know it.

As the plane took off, I was listening to music on my phone. The faint electric guitar stood out against the mighty roar and subtle drone of the plane's engines. The cabin lights dimmed and many fell asleep. I stayed awake. I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to have another nightmare. And so, I listened to my music.

"...I'm going back to New Orleans, To wear that ball and chain." I quietly sang. "There is a house in New Orleans, They call the Rising Sun. And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy. And God, I know, I'm one."

I'm going back to New Orleans, To the House of the Rising Sun, I thought up a final verse, I'm staying here to end my life, On the barrel of a gun.

The next day

"Sawyer?" called Ms. Kobayashi from the hallway, her knuckles rapping against the white wooden door of my room, "You're gonna be late for school! We're already running late, but I want to wish you good luck on your first day back!"

"Thanks, Ms. Kobayashi!" I called back as I rubbed my eyes. I could hear her high heels hurrying off downstairs to get to her office job.

I was able to keep my problems a secret when I got back. I had to put on a facade when I got back, and then locked myself in my room. I didn't need to tell them what happened. I can just bury it deep inside me. Like I always do.

Forcing myself to stand before I fall asleep again, I rubbed my eyes. Jeez, I already screwed up my sleep schedule. That sucks.

I dragged myself to the shower and took a cold bath so I'm able to walk without stumbling. Once that icy cold water touched my skin, I woke up from the shock. It felt as if an electrical current ran through my body as the Arctic-like water soaked me to the brim.

I forced myself to brush my teeth, change my clothes, and eat my breakfast. Honestly, I was probably a mess. I mean, after what happened yesterday, I think that's understandable.

Since coming back, I haven't talked to Ono-chan, Takeuchi-san, Nakano-san, or Saito-san. Not even a text or a phone call. I probably should've, but I just didn't want to do anything yesterday. All I did was lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. Maybe I'll just surprise them.

As I exited the kitchen, I put the dog tags on and under my shirt so I don't get in trouble with school. I remember getting in trouble with Saito-san because we did not change our uniforms for the seasonal change. I tried to argue my point that I didn't want to and Saito-san and I ended up getting detention for the day. I was able to convince them to let Saito-san keep her blazer though, so we ended up just talking about books in detention. So now, she stands out of the crowd, though no one ever really cared about the change.

I shouldered my green Army bag and stepped out of the house.

The sun was rising once more off in the distance. A new day in Japan. For me, a new life in Japan. I ain't going back to Hawaii, not after what happened. No one needs to know what happened. Absolutely no one.

I looked at Ono-chan's house. I don't know if she overslept or not. She might've, but I don't mean to intrude. I don't know if I can even face her knowing that I had tried to commit suicide. She really was trying to be my friend. I guess you could say she was the bestest friend I've ever had. Then you got the three other girls. I'm just acting selfish.

And so, I walked to school alone. Hands-on my pocket, eyes down on the ground, I walked through those school gates. No one came to greet me, no one said hi. It was as if I had said goodbye. Come on, man, look alive at least. I gotta seem like I'm okay. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

As I walked through the doors of the classroom, CJ and Takeuchi-san immediately noticed me and stopped what they were doing, with him playing with his phone and her writing something. I smiled at Takeuchi-san, who smiled back, resting her head on her hand that was propped up on the desk. CJ approached me with a cheeky grin on his face.

"Hey man!" CJ said cheerfully as he reached forward for his usual handshake, "How's my homie doin'?"

"I'm a'ight," I said, trying to sound as cheerfully as him, "You're awfully in good spirits."

"Ah, c'mon dude," he said, clicking his tongue, "I jus' got some letter in my locker asking me to meet this person afterschool. There's hearts on it. Bro, it's gotta be a girl, right? Like, no cap, there were hearts on it."

"A'ight, sit down you squealing lucky bastard," I said, kind of smirking. I pointed to my usual spot by the window with my thumb. "I'ma head to my desk."

As I walked to my seat, I took a look at CJ, who was still pretty ecstatic about getting his aforementioned letter. This lunatic may have come from the hoods of Baltimore, but he's acting like an MC in a high school slice of life anime. Well, at least he's happy.

I took a seat in my usual chair, putting my bag down onto the ground beside me. I took out a pencil and my required book and placed them on my desk. All the while, I felt a pair of eyes trained on me, watching my every move. I'm getting that one feeling down my spine, like a shiver crawling down my back. In this case, it should be her staring at me.

I turned my head to see Takeuchi-san staring at me with a smile, her head resting in her head. She had that smug smile on her face like she hadn't had any care in the world. Whatever, maybe I could cheer myself up by successfully teasing her this time.

"So, how's your visit?" asked Takeuchi-san, still keeping her smile.

"Uneventful," I lied, sighing as I sat back, "Nothing happened."

"Oh?" asked Takeuchi-san, mirroring my moves by leaning back in her chair, "How's the family?"

"They're alright. Really, nothing happened."

"Oh," Takeuchi-san simply said, resigned from trying to get an answer out of me.

"What have you guys been doing the past few days while I was gone?" I asked, trying to change the subject, "What did I miss?"

"Well," said Takeuchi-san, picking up her pen and poking her chin with it, "Nothing much. I met up with Sayori and we went shopping. Natsuki and Yuri were unable to come with, so it was like a date."

"A date?" I asked, kind of teasing her like we always did, "Like as in with a significant other?"

"No, you dummy," she chuckled, blushing, "Like a… friend date." No one says that.

If my life was an anime, there's most likely a shit ton of ships that oughta happen. Them fangirls would ship me with one of the girls, or worse, I'll be in some yaoi fic with CJ. There's gonna be weird-ass ships such as me with my sister. Hell, there could be yuri smut between the girls. Fuck, if I start seeing Ono-chanXTakeuchi-san or Saito-sanXNakano-san or some other stupid crap like that… I'll… You know what, I'm kinda curious, actually. Oh God, what have I turned into?

"Speaking of Sayori, have you seen her? You usually walk to school together after all."

"N-no, I haven't seen her," I stammered.

"Oh?" she said teasingly, "Did you two lovers get into a fight?"

"N-no!" I exclaimed, "W-what makes you say we're going out?"

"Oh, isn't it obvious?" she said with a sinister smile and a mischievous wink, "You walk to school together, you hang out often, you're always with her. C'mon, it's not a secret!"

"We're just friends, that's it!" I exclaimed, a little loudly that the class could've probably heard, "She just happens to live right next to me."

"Mmhm," she said, rolling her eyes, "Keep telling yourself that." Damn her! Crap, I lost to her once again!

The day ended up going on as normal as if nothing occurred. There was a club meeting today, as always. Like a sort of back-to-school meeting. The entire day, I was wondering whether or not I should go. I wasn't feeling like going, but it'll feel like a piece of the club wasn't there. I just wanted to go home and sleep. I wanted to forget everything, even if it's for a bit.

When the bell rang, the students up end left the classroom to do their respective things that they do after school. CJ left to go to basketball practice, so it was just me and Takeuchi-san. At that point, I've made up my mind. I was going to go home.

I stood up and shouldered my bag. Takeuchi-san, who was working on her latest poem, looked up at me and tilted her head as if she was puzzled.

"Where are you going?" she asked, "We have a club meeting today."

"I'm…" I said, making up an excuse, "not feeling well today."

"Is it a headache?" she asked.

"Y-yeah, sort of," I said as I put one final book in my bag.

"Ah, so it's a heartache then," she said with a smug smile.

"N-no, it's not about Ono-chan!" I exclaimed, "Besides, I haven't seen her all day!"

"All the more reason why you have a heartache," she said, putting her hand on her chest lovingly, "You feel guilty about your fight with her, and now you miss her. Poor thing, you must've been suffering all day!"

"Tsk," I scoffed, "Whatever you say, princess."

As I walked out of the door, I hear Takeuchi-san call out "Don't overdo it!"

Hands in my pockets, I strolled down the corridor to the end of the hall. When I turned the corner, I saw Saito-san and Nakano-san walking together. They both saw me and ran up to me.

"L-Lee-san! Welcome back!" greeted Saito-san. She had a book in her arms, pulling it close to her chest. Nakano-san was carrying her bag as normal.

"Hey," Nakano-san mumbled.

"Hey, guys!" I said, raising a hand to wave hello, trying to sound upbeat. "Where are you guys headed?"

"What do you think?" asked Nakano-san, "To the club of course! Aren't you going too?"

"Nah, I'm just gonna go home. I'm not feeling well," I said, putting a hand on the back of my neck. "How are you guys?"

"I'm rather splendid," said Saito-san, "Thank you for asking. Though," she said, for some reason a rare confident smile, "it does seem like Natsuki missed you."

"Y-Yuri!" exclaimed Nakano-san, "No, I didn't miss Lee-senpai. Why would I?"

"Nakano-san," I said, "Did you really miss me? You know, it is perfectly fine if you did, you know?"

"N-no! That's none of your business!" she exclaimed defiantly as she crossed her arms, looking away from me. Her face was definitely blushing.

"Ara ara Natsuki," said Saito-san, really just teasing her friend, "Do you really have a crush on Lee-san?" Honestly, I've never seen Saito-san like this, like a confident woman who is able to tease someone. And the way she said "ara ara"! Goddamn it, I'm a fucking weeb.

"S-Saito-san," I stammered, "Looks like she had enough."

That's when Saito-san started blushing too. "W-we'll go to the club room now!" she stammered, walking off with Nakano-san. I went home after that too.

When I got home, I plopped my bag by my desk and jumped into bed. I didn't even change out of my clothes. Damn, keeping a mask on all day is very fucking tiring. I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't. My thoughts racing through my head kept me up. I ended up staring at my ceiling until the afternoon.

I gave up afterward and went outside, still in my school uniform. I decided to take a walk around outside.

I ended up going to the park. The golden rays of the afternoon sun filtering through the leaves of the cherry trees. I was following the asphalt path that ran along a pond. There was a playground atop a hill to my right. There was a pair of swings that would've been fun to just sit on. There were no kids there, so I could've just chilled out over there. Instead, I opted for a bench that I came across.

I sat down on the wooden bench and looked out at the glistening water, the golden rays of the sun casting a few sparkles that broke the water like fairies. There was a bird that dove down trying to catch its prey that was in there. A few splashes by the pondside could be heard as frogs and toads hopped around there.

Propping my arms on my knees, I began to recall my memories, sorting through the good ones and the bad ones. The ones I made in Hawaii, the ones I made here. I thought about my family, how my asshole dad was always out getting drunk and starting fights. My hard-working mom trying to keep us afloat. Megan, who kept my mom motivated. Wyatt, who would take me under his wing. I thought about all of my happy thoughts. With Wyatt and Megan. With the club. With Ono-chan, Takeuchi-san, Nakano-san, Saito-san. With everyone else. God, I've been through a lot.

"I knew I'd find you here," a voice interrupted the thoughts in my head. I turned my head to the source of the voice. It was a familiar voice and, as I met her gaze, I saw her blue eyes standing out against the yellow sky, her red bow sticking out of her coral pink hair, glowing in the orange light.

"Ono-chan?" I asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I heard you came back yesterday," she said as she took a seat next to me on the bench, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Figured I didn't want to bother you," I mumbled, "I came back pretty tired anyway." I leaned back on the seat and put my arms on my lap.

"So how is Hawaii?" she asked after a second of silence, "Is your family good?" Fuck, I was hoping she wouldn't bring that up.

"They're…" I paused, before thinking of a lie, "Okay. They're doing alright."

"Oh yeah, speaking of," she said, "You never talk about your family. What are they like?"

I couldn't answer. All I did was leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. I looked ahead at the glistening water and bit my lip. Ono-chan could see and decided to change the topic.

"You know, MC and I used to play here when we were kids," she said, "Swinging on the swingset, pushing each other down the slides, skipping rocks across the pond. We were always together, me and him. Even when we were in high school, we would come here. It was our favorite spot."

Ono-chan looked down at her hands that were down at her lap, a solemn look on her face. "But when he left," she said, her voice quieter now, "I looked for him everywhere. At his house, at the cafe, he usually goes to, and other places he would visit. The last place I searched was here.

"You see that tree over there?" Ono-chan pointed at a tree near the pond. "That's how I found out he was gone for good. He left a note on the side of the tree, saying that he was not coming back and that he's sorry for leaving. I know what it's like to lose a best friend. Have you, Lee-kun?"

I swallowed as I made up my mind. I gotta tell someone what happened. I can't just keep it buried for as long as possible.

"I trust you," I said. Then I explained my whole situation. About my father's abusive nature, my sister's cutting, my brother's suicide, about how I pulled the trigger. I told her everything. I told her how I felt. When that happened, it felt as if a huge weight was taken off of my chest.

Ono-chan took me into her embrace. She hugged me, keeping our hearts near each other. And I cried. I cried onto her shoulder. It felt nice. To let it go. This was the first time I was able to talk to someone about it. About the huge burden, I carry around, like Atlas and the sky. It was nice to have a shoulder to cry on.

And so, as the sun sat down on the horizon, we held each other and didn't let go. It felt as if I would never lose her. My best friend. But I will.


Honorifics: (Underlined honorifics are the ones used in current chapter)

-san: Most common, it is an all-purpose suffix that can be used in any situation where politeness is expected. Basically the titles Mr. Ms. etc.

-sama: This suffix is one level higher than "-san" and is used to confer great respect.

-kun: This suffix is commonly used at the end of boys' names to express endearment.

-chan: Feminine version of -kun.

Senpai: Superior/Upperclassmen.

Sensei: Master.


A/N: I understand that I'm a week too late since I try to post (keyword: try) biweekly. It's just that school decided to dump a whole new load of work on us poor students, as well as a new Florida law mandating for every student to have one new class dedicated to learning about depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues prevalent in adolescents so that no more of us commit hangman (honestly, it just made us even more depressed than usual). That and a final report for a project that was supposed to make or break my career in this program that I'm in. And that I procrastinated on this chapter because writing it was a little too depressing for me.

Changing the topic now, I understand that this was a huge change in the overall tone of the story. Let's just say that not everything is black and white. I wanted to lead you, readers, on for a while, lowering your guard down, before smacking you in the face with the depressing things just like the game. There will be its happy moments and its not-so-happy moments. If this ain't your cup of tea, well don't get mad at me. With that said, I'll see you in the next one.