"Ahsoka, is that you?"
His voice broke the silence, but Ahsoka still found herself trapped in a state of shock. She didn't know what she had expected. Just not this. It was surreal, to see her grandmaster like this. He seemed like a shadow of his former self.
In front of her Obi-Wan tensed up, confusion stretching across his features. It hurt, this uncertainty. He still didn't know for sure that it was her. Obi-Wan couldn't see, and she still had to lower her shields to let him in.
Swallowing hard, Ahsoka finally overcame the rigidity. "Yes... it's me," she breathed, her voice rough as unshed tears gathered in her eyes.
"You came back…," he whispered, his voice laced with disbelief. Some of the tension seemed to leave his body again. Obi-Wan carefully pushed himself away from the doorframe, as if he was having trouble standing on his own, and took a tiny step forward, one hand slightly outstretched. "... Where are you?"
Her heart was hammering in her chest. Why was it suddenly so hard to move? Her grandmaster was standing right in front of her, searching for her, and yet she couldn't bring herself to move toward him.
For a moment, the shaky hand remained extended in her direction before Obi-Wan dropped it again, defeated. The step he had taken before, he now stepped back again and his face disappeared in the shadows of his room. Ahsoka could see him turn his face away, even though nothing more than his silhouette was visible. "I'm sorry...," he rasped, "... I didn't mean to overwhelm you."
He thinks I'm afraid of him, she realized with a pang. Ahsoka knew that if she let him go now, he would continue to retreat. She would confirm to him that he had indeed scared her.
And with that, she was suddenly free. Determined, she closed the distance between them and caught him in a tight embrace. Obi-Wan was surprised by the sudden touch and subconsciously wanted to take a step back, but Ahsoka wouldn't let him. With her head against his chest, she heard his heartbeat quicken and how he struggled not to panic. The need to defend himself threatened to get the better of him. Did he think she would hurt him?
Carefully, she lowered her shields in an attempt to reassure him. She gently tapped against his mind. Although he didn't let her in yet, she could already feel his inner turmoil. As his barrier slowly sank, Ahsoka had to pull herself together not to flinch. There was so much fear and pain. His light, which had otherwise shone so brightly, was little more than a flickering flame fighting against the darkness. He wandered around without orientation, like an animal lost in the storm.
How much of this was Anakin's doing? And how much had manifested in his mind over the last few years?
When he finally returned the embrace, she noticed that it wasn't just his hands that were shaking, but his whole body. Ahsoka twisted her head slightly to see his face and wrung one of her hands free to hold it shallowly over his forehead. The heat was visibly palpable.
"You're sick," she stated solemnly.
"I know," he replied awfully quiet.
His verbosity was so uncharacteristic for him. Normally he would deny that he was sick or draw attention to another topic. But he did not. Ahsoka hardly recognized him. Obi-Wan had always been surrounded by an air of serenity and solemnness, but he never lacked warmth. He cared and loved so much, that it ached to see him so shattered beyond repair.
"Oh Master...," she continued to hold onto him, even though she wasn't sure who was holding who up, "...I'm so sorry."
His hand moved and then came to rest on her neck. "It's not your fault, Ahsoka."
The Padawan swallowed hard and took a step back, pulling away from the embrace. "... Can I see it?"
It was hard to tell in the dark, but she noticed how he screwed up his face a little. "I think you already have," he muttered evasively.
"Please." She needed to see what Anakin had done, even if that did not help her with understanding why he did it.
For a moment he said nothing, and Ahsoka thought he was going to decline. It made her sad that he seemed to be ashamed. From the brief glimpse she had caught, she knew his face looked terrible. She could imagine the reactions of the people; especially the children who didn't know any better.
"Go ahead," he finally said, even though his voice didn't sound very confident. Ahsoka stepped over and flicked on the light, which almost blinded her for a moment. Obi-Wan, of course, didn't notice any difference.
She eyed him closely, watching both of his eyes stare into the nothingness. The dark blue of his iris had given way to a milky light blue. The glow in his eyes had disappeared. Probably forever.
Ahsoka approached him again. As she stood before him, he lowered his head slightly, as if looking at her, even though he was unable to. Perhaps a kind of reflex, a reaction of his body that still had not understood that something was missing.
"Does it still hurt?" she asked hesitantly, as she looked at the angry wound cutting across his face.
Obi-Wan bit the inside of his cheeks and squeezed his eyes shut. "It does. Sometimes..." he searched for words, "...sometimes I still feel the blade hit my face... It burns- And it just won't stop."
That he admitted he was in pain hit her like a brick. For all the years she had known him, he had always hidden it from her. Even if his body bore the obvious marks. She remembered how she had sometimes sat at his bedside for days, waiting for him to wake up after a mission that had once again almost cost them their lives. But then when he had woken up, he had always asked about her and Anakin first. He was always concerned about the welfare of others, never about his own. It left a bitter taste that this very quality had been his undoing.
Because he had tried to help his friend, not even wasting a second on thinking that maybe it would be better to let him go.
Ahsoka knew that Obi-Wan could be a true stubborn man, but he had always had the best interests at heart.
Now it was as if the crumbling facade he had maintained had collapsed. Ahsoka wondered if anyone had ever looked behind the mask of her grandmaster. Maybe Satine had seen what was going on inside him. Maybe she was the only person he had blindly trusted besides Anakin. But there Obi-Wan had obviously been wrong.
Ahsoka's throat was dry. "What Anakin did...that was wrong. He should never have attacked you."
Obi-Wan scowled in response. "It doesn't matter anymore," she watched his hands clench and unclench, "What's done is done."
"It does matter, master," she argued back, but without raising her voice. They didn't need that now. "Do you think it's easy to watch the two people I love destroy each other so much?" Her voice cracked. "It scares the hell out of me... I don't want to lose you two."
"And what do you expect me to do?" he retorted softly, sending a shiver down her spine, "I have nothing left to give, Ahsoka."
I lost everything I held dear.
Ahsoka couldn't help him, and neither could he help her. Somewhere she had the feeling that she was to blame for everything. If she had never agreed to talk to Turmond, maybe none of this would have happened.
Obi-Wan seemed to sense her thoughts. "What happened between me and Anakin... it was just a matter of time. I was selfish… thinking that I could raise Anakin directly after losing my own master. I should have…," he faltered and turned his head away, "I should have asked for help."
In her spare time, Ahsoka had tried to find out more about her Grandmaster's past. Frustration had quickly set in after she realized that most of his mission was under wraps, especially in his younger years. Even though she hadn't understood why until now. In the beginning, she thought it was because he was a council member. But all the other members' missions were viewable, so she quickly ruled out that reason. Something had happened in her Grandmaster's past that the Jedi were trying to hide.
What she did find, however, was the report shortly after Obi-Wan had accepted Anakin as his Padawan. She didn't remember which Jedi had written it. It was also not important. What was important was that it was made abundantly clear that Anakin's training was under the closest scrutiny.
"They would have taken him away from you, wouldn't they?" asked Ahsoka, even as the words formed a lump in her throat.
"Probably."
His shields were up again and it was almost impossible to read his face. The only thing that was carved into his features was sadness. "Do you regret it? Taking Anakin in?"
"No," his voice trembled, "The only thing I regret is not giving him more options."
"What do you mean?"
The Jedi Master expelled a heavy breath and then shuffled over to his bed, settling down on it. He ran a shaky hand through his beard.
"What I mean is... that I never gave Anakin the choice to get another master."
Ahsoka was baffled by his words. Almost automatically, she moved over to him and sat down next to him on the bed. "Do you think Anakin would have wanted someone else?"
Obi-Wan pursed his lips and bowed his head. "I wouldn't have blamed him... I wouldn't have chosen me either."
Doesn't he know how important he is to us?
"I would have chosen you," she whispered, "And I think Anakin did, too, even if he rarely showed you."
Obi-Wan said nothing in reply, but just stared at the floor between his feet. As he leaned forward, a chain had slipped from his tunic and now swung shallowly at his neck. Ahsoka had noticed the leather band on his neck before, but had never thought anything of it. The pendant that had now come to light, however, told a story that now made her heart tighten again painfully. The gray-black shimmering metal she knew only from history books. Beskar. One of the most valuable metals of all, it even withstood a lightsaber. Mandalorian steel.
There was only one person from whom he could have gotten it. Satine.
The shape of the pendant almost resembled an incisor of a predator, even though it was not polished smooth and the structure of the unprocessed metal was still visible.
"I'm sorry about Satine."
Still her grandmaster remained silent, but it seemed as if the furrows on his forehead were deepening. His hand closed around the pendant before he finally slipped the chain from his neck. The leather band hung between his fingers. A few tears escaped his eyes and quietly dropped to the floor. Ahsoka decided not to comment on it.
For a moment, he stroked his fingers over the metal until he suddenly reached out and held the necklace out to her. "Take it," he forced out, almost as if he was giving away his very existence.
Confusion spread through her as she looked at it. "What, why?" she asked, shaking her head.
He clenched his jaw. "…They're going to take it from me. And I don't want it to fall into the wrong hands."
At first, she didn't understand who he meant by they. But then it dawned on her. The trial. He was firmly convinced that he would be convicted.
A little uncertainly she took the piece of jewelry from his hand. It was still warm when she closed her fingers around the pendant. "I'll take care of it," she promised, her gaze fixed on him, "And I'll give it back to you."
He nodded shallowly, not turning to her. "Thank you."
She put the necklace around her own neck. It felt foreign. But still it carried some of her grandmaster's signature. "What will happen now?"
Obi-Wan sat up a little. "Plo told me that evidence has been found that you are not to blame for the death of Letta Turmond... that means you are free to return... if you want to. I think the council will make an official announcement tomorrow morning."
Somehow, she did not even want to know who was responsible. Only one thing mattered for her. "And what about you?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. I'll find out the day after tomorrow."
It was not fair. "They can't just charge you for Anakin's mistakes."
"Yes, they can," Obi-Wan replied defeated, taking a deep breath, "I think you know Anakin didn't grow up in the Temple, but joined the Order when he was nine... His training was initially forbidden because the Council had already then sensed this unbridled anger inside of him... Well, I objected and the council finally agreed, but only on one condition."
A feeling of dread settled in her stomach. She could guess what the condition was. "You agreed to take full responsibility for Anakin's actions in order to allow him to be trained."
Obi-Wan hummed. "Yes...the responsibility is mine, even after he was knighted."
"But Anakin is an adult and makes his own decisions." It was hard to comprehend.
"He has become the person he is now because of my training...and obviously I have failed him." His shoulders slumped.
"No, you did not," Ahsoka denied it, "Anakin would never have gotten this far without you. You gave him a family. You taught him what was right and what was wrong... And I know he had understood it because he taught it to me in return."
Her grandmaster laughed sadly. "If I didn't think Anakin was capable of training a Padawan, we would never have assigned you to him," his face fell, "We all thought Anakin could control his emotions... After we brought his mother to Stewjon, it only seemed like he finally trusted me... And he was happier."
Obi-Wan plucked at his fingers. "Then the war began... and with it the anger returned - Anakin became a stranger to me. Everything I did was wrong. He stayed out of my way. Disappeared sometimes for days."
He turned his head shallowly in her direction. "Through you, we tried to show him that we trusted him. And I still don't regret it."
There was that unspeakable pain in his voice again. "You two have become a wonderful team. And Anakin really would do anything for you."
He chose me over you. And hurt you, because he believed that you had not been there for us. Ahsoka felt sick and tears welled up in her eyes again. But this time she couldn't hold them in. It was as if a dam had been broken.
The Padawan sobbed and didn't know what to do with herself. Maybe she should have stayed away. Then she would have spared Master Obi-Wan the pain of her presence.
Somewhat hesitantly, a hand came to her shoulder blade and Ahsoka watched with blurred vision as Obi-Wan held out his arm. For a moment she sat rooted to the spot until she moved over to him and rested her head against his shoulder. Her tears soon soaked his shirt but that didn't seem to bother him as he held her close.
"I'm scared," she hiccupped.
His grip on her tightened. "Me too."
