Sometimes I have the feeling that half of this story is told in flashbacks
Chapter 18
Ahsoka let her eyes wander over the now deserted apartment. She had loved this place. Now the only thing that remained were shadows. Gone was the feeling of security. Shattered memories replaced previously happy moments.
With heavy steps she moved through the living area, side-stepping droid parts and datapads. On the kitchen counter still lay the pad with the message from the quartermaster.
When had the point been when things had started to break?
Her eyes found the shelves on the walls filled with various models of starships. Eleven models to be exact - one for each birthday he had shared with Obi-Wan. There was no twelfth to be seen. Not because it didn't exist. Ahsoka knew the small box was still sitting unpacked in her Grandmaster's room. Anakin had been furious when he discovered the gift on his desk on his 21st. She remembered exactly how he had stomped to Obi-Wan's closed room door and after a moment's hesitation had set the package down there. Ahsoka had watched the proceedings with a kind of detachment from her room, thinking for a moment about taking the model - just so her Grandmaster wouldn't have to see it.
She hadn't. Perhaps an hour later, Obi-Wan returned from a council meeting and headed first for the kitchen, unaware of the knife thrust that would await him. Methodically, he made his tea, a birthday gift from Anakin. Ahsoka's stomach twisted as she watched through the crack of the door as he headed in the direction of his room with the steaming cup - only to come to a dead stop outside the door. Frozen, he stared at the gift at his feet and he turned briefly to Anakin's room, face falling.
The Force buzzed with hurt as Obi-Wan finally picked up the box, his face almost painfully neutral, even though Ahsoka knew it was just a mask he would drop as soon as the door closed behind him.
She hated all of this.
All the room doors were open and she caught a glimpse of her master's room, untidy as she knew it. Obi-Wan's room, on the other hand, was almost empty. There were a few boxes piled up next to his desk, where he had already begun to gather his few possessions - about to leave them.
She padded into the room, her eyes wandering before they caught on the small wooden fox on the nightstand that she had seen before. Affixed, she approached and took the figurine in her hand. The details made the little creature seem almost realistic. Someone had put a lot of time and love into this project. Ahsoka ran her finger over the small notches in the wood, smiling. When she went to put it back, she noticed something engraved on the bottom.
Obi-Wan. Our Light in the Dark. In Love, Mom Dad.
Ahsoka's smile fell. When she was younger, she had once asked Obi-Wan about his parents.
Normally, Ahsoka cared little what the other Padawans said. Yet somehow it was just this one thing she couldn't ignore.
Her parents.
She knew it was normal for children to be taken early by the Jedi. But the thing was - everyone had a story somewhere in their file, if only a name of one of the parents. For Ahsoka, there was nothing there. A blank spot was all that could be found for her.
Crestfallen, Ahsoka had gone home after class and had stepped, lost in thought, into the kitchen - where she nearly collided with her Grandmaster, who was preparing dinner.
Surprised, she grinded to a sudden halt and blinked. "I thought you were still on a mission," she blurted out.
Obi-Wan jumped and looked up, apparently similarly surprised by her presence. "Oh, Ahsoka," he smiled, "it's good to see you. Yes, the mission went shorter than expected."
Somehow it bothered her that he had noticed her so late. Master Kenobi usually knew she was on her way before she even entered the apartment.
Crossing her arms, she studied him for a moment. He looked tired, but that was little unusual for him; perhaps he was a little pale. From his collar peaked the corner of a Bacta patch.
"How did the mission go?"
Humming, he turned back to cutting the vegetables. "It was... alright... I think. We were able to successfully destroy the Separatist base."
Ahsoka stepped closer, momentarily forgetting her own worries. "What happened?" she finally asked, pointing briefly in the direction of the patch.
"Oh that," Obi-Wan ran a hand over the back of his neck, "Nothing bad. Stray blaster bolt. I already got to listen to Cody's lecture."
This didn't really sound convincing, but she left it at that for now. "If you say so... but if you just came back, why don't you rest a bit?"
Her Grandmaster paused in his movement, blinking. "I guess I just needed something to do."
‚I had to keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't have to think about what had happened' was probably more what he wanted to say, but Ahsoka didn't press him.
"I see," she murmured, absently scratching her elbow.
Obi-Wan let his gaze wander briefly to the chrono on the wall before settling on her. "And you?" he asked, "You're here earlier than usual. I thought you were still meeting up with your friends?"
Why does he always have to be so observant?
Ahsoka shifted on her feet. "... I didn't feel like it today."
Setting the knife aside, her Grandmaster frowned. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah... of course," she evaded, "... I guess I just needed a moment to myself."
"Oh," Obi-Wan took a step back, looking a little startled,"...don't let me stop you then."
That was not what she was trying to accomplish.
"I...," Ahsoka finally put in, faltering for a moment, "No... if I'm honest, it's not that."
Obi-Wan eyed her with worry. "Anakin should be back here soon if you'd rather talk to him... I can call Plo too."
Her stomach clenched painfully. How did they always make him feel unwanted?
She shook her head and sat down on an empty spot on the kitchen counter, dangling her legs. It made her feel a little like a youngling, but it didn't matter now.
"We talked today about our origins...," she murmured finally, "... and about our parents."
Her grandmaster tilted his head, still not quite understanding. "And what's bothering you?"
She didn't really know how to explain it. "It's just... there's just nothing about my parents, Master," she waved her hand in frustration, "... just a blank spot."
Obi-Wan looked at her with sympathy. "Just because there are no names in your file doesn't mean your parents don't love you, Ahsoka."
She bit her lips. "Why did they never reach out then?"
"When parents give up their children, they want to give you a chance - a future that offers more than they ever could," Obi-Wan paused for a moment, "Often they find it hard to contact their children years later for fear of making a mistake."
Ahsoka only hummed in response, letting the words sink in.
"...If you really want, we could look for your parents," Obi-Wan cut in, "You have the right."
Sighing, she rubbed her forehead. "I don't know what I want... I mean, you, Master Plo and Master Anakin, you're my family. And my parents? I don't even remember them."
Obi-Wan gave her a soft smile which didn't quite reach his eyes. "It is solely your choice, my dear."
If only it were that simple.
"I just...," she glared at him, "what would you do? ... Do you know who your parents are?"
Immediately his expression turned bitter and pain and sorrow flashed through Force.
"... I knew them, yes," he pressed out in a hoarse voice, averting his eyes.
She should never have asked.
"I'm sorry," she offered uncertainly.
"It's not your fault," he breathed, staring ahead, "You couldn't have known."
Ahsoka swallowed hard. "... What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
For a moment he didn't answer and she thought she had gone too far, but then he gave his answer so quietly it was barely audible.
"They died a few years ago," he whispered, "There was a fire in the barn, it trapped them… they were only able to recover their remains."
Numb, she finally put the little fox back in its place and stepped back. That had been the moment she had understood what the contents of the letter she should never have found had been.
A knock at the door jolted her out of her thoughts. "It's open," she called out of habit and reentered the living room.
The apartment door opened, revealing her guest.
"Mrs. Skywalker," Ahsoka greeted before briefly letting her gaze wander over the chaos in the apartment, "I... sorry, I wasn't expecting visitors."
Anakin's mother smiled gently. "It's all good, Ahsoka. How are you?"
Biting her lips, she let her thoughts wander. "I don't know," she finally murmured, shrugging her shoulders, "This place... it's just not the same anymore."
Shmi came closer and picked up one of the many droid pieces scattered on the floor. "I never imagined my son would be capable of something like this...," she placed the part on the kitchen counter after a moment's contemplation, "And yet I must have been mistaken."
Ahsoka said nothing.
"I heard you might be accompanying me," Shmi continued, looking at her, "If you want to, of course, I'll be the last one to make you do anything."
I don't know what I want!
"There's nothing here to keep me here anymore, I guess," she replied absently. Whatever this place was to her, a home it was no longer.
Shmi watched her quietly as she went into her room and grabbed a bag, automatically packing up her things - as she had done for many missions before. Ahsoka didn't think anymore. In just a few minutes, she slung the bag over her shoulder and only faltered as she was about to leave her room again - her eyes glued to the shelf next to the door. In a rather old-fashioned looking frame, there innocently stood a photograph.
It was perhaps a few years old, but Ahsoka remembered it clearly. A diplomatic mission had brought her to Alderaan with her masters. It had been almost unusual for them to be sent on such a mission - but perhaps they had just been granted a small moment of peace. The negotiations had quickly ended successfully and they had been able to enjoy Alderaan's beautiful nature for at least one evening.
The picture showed them sitting together on the shore of a lake. It had been a starry night. Anakin and she leaned together against a large stone and gazed up, so that the small celestial bodies were reflected in their eyes. Obi-Wan, on the other hand, was not looking up at the sky. He sat across from them, watching them both with a smile almost hidden by his beard.
R2 had taken this snapshot without her knowledge. It was only months later that the droid had shown her the picture, after the situation between Obi-Wan and Anakin seemed to escalate further and further.
In a pitiful attempt to remember the good times, Ahsoka had had this photo printed on a piece of flimsi and placed it on this shelf.
Ahsoka stared for another moment before tearing herself away. Determined, she walked past Shmi, who was standing in the doorway of her room, and left the apartment. Only in the hallway of the temple she stopped and waited until Anakin's mother followed her after a few seconds.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" she asked.
Without answering first, Ahsoka closed the apartment door. "Yes," she finally breathed, "I'm ready."
"Very well." Shmi gently placed a hand on her shoulder. Together they headed toward the hangar and it was absurd, but to Ahsoka it felt like she was leaving a big part of her life behind, though that wasn't the case. She would be back. She didn't know when or how, but she would.
Stewjon was a chance for her to heal and learn - but perhaps also to forget.
