Chapter 84- Saving Private Brian
As the scene show Frank Mallque Jr getting out of the refrigerator with a bag of peas on his head.
Frank Jr
I rock peas on my head,
but don't call me a pea head
Then next scene shows Peter Griffin with lots of bees on his head as the bees cover his hair like an afro.
Peter
Bees on my head
but don't call me a bee head
The next scene show John with a tiny Bruce lee figure on his head while the scene zoom out to show him doing a karate pose.
John
Bruce lee's on my head
but don't call me a lee head
Then next scene show Frank, Peter and Frank Jr in the Griffin bedroom as Frank is feed a bonsie tree with a milk bottle.
Frank, Peter and Frank Jr
Now excuse me please
we got's to get my tree fed
Then next scene shows the Griffin girls standing together as random scene pass by them and then it show Persephone using a sewing machine to make her own clothing
Meg, Persephone and Emily
You wear name brands
and I make my own clothing
Then the next scene shows Stewie with Brian on his lap with him having a loathing face.
Stewie
I hang out with an Dog
who loves self-loathing
"I hate myself!" Brian said at the people.
The next scene show Peter make pancakes until he puts on his face.
Peter
Pancake on my face makes me extra happy
Then next scene show Tyler with a shampoo bottle on his lap as he rubs like a baby.
Tyler
I like shampoo bottles that sit on my lappy
Then the scene show Frank telling the audience that they can't tell him what to do while a cartoon tells him to dance like a monkey. Then he has a lemon throw at him but used it in his beef stew.
Frank
Cuz it's my show you can't tell us whatta do
when life hands me lemons I make beef stew
Then the scene show the family wear burglar masks while they are rocking on a rocking chair couch. Then it show Peter putting a bologna in his left pocket while Lois put cream cheese in Frank's gold locket
Frank
So yo we gotta go it's time for us to rock it
Peter put bologna in his left pocket
Lois just smear some cream cheese in my gold locket
As the scene show Frank talking to the audience that it's his show. Then again with Frank with Frank Jr dancing behind him
Frank and Frank Jr
Cuz it's my show I'm Frank George Mallque
it's my show I'm shmanky jeews shmallques
it's my show I'm
Frank George Mallque.
As the scene ends with Frank Jr and Frank wearing hoody's while holding a sign that said Family Guy Mallque Chronicles Season 5 and it fade to black.
The scene turn to James woods High school as all the kids are in the assembly hall for an assembly.
"All right, kids, assembly is starting. Now, please take your seats for the following presentation by the US Army." Principle shepherd said as he tells them that a US Army recruiter visits the school.
"What's up, y'all? I'm Sergeant Extreme!" Sergeant Extreme said as he introduce himself to the kids
"And I'm Major Awesome! We're here to tell you how much the army kicks ass! Check this out!" Major Awesome said his name as well.
What can the U.S. Army do for you? Announcer guy said as he ask the audience a question about the U.S. Army.
As They giving a video of army life consisting of women in bikinis as they fan the soldier while he drinks on a party ship name the U.S.S. PARTAYY, next scene shows a soldier diving into a pill of money while two bikinis chick jump him, and final scene show a soldier getting a Oscar awards while receiving claps of applause from thousands of chicks in bikinis.
"The U.S. Army, Aww Yeeahhh. You experience be different!" The announcer guy said as the film was over.
The cause John and Tyler who in the assembly to question this movie.
The scene change to the Mallque/Griffin house at night as we see the dining room with the whole family eating dinner.
"The Army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said with any luck, I could get the clap from a 12 year old Chinese prostitute." Chris said as he explain that he want to join the army.
"Wow, that's great! You'll be serving your country. Just like American film legend, Mickey Rooney." Peter said as he set up a cutaway about American film legend, Mickey Rooney.
Cutaway
We see Mickey Rooney sitting on a chair.
"Hi. I'm former biggest star in the world, Mickey Rooney. And as you may know, I am totally and completely insane. I like to yell at mice with my shirt off" Mickey announced as he announce that he is crazy.
Cut to Rooney on all fours, shirtless, and yelling at a mouse
"Sometimes I like to steal other people's scabs" Mickey Rooney:
Cut to a man standing at a bus stop with a visible scab on his knee. Mickey Rooney comes in, rips the scab off, and runs down the street holding it high in the air and screaming.
"How do I stay so crazy?Mickey Rooney said as he asked the people why he is so crazy.
As he holds up a bottle of pills.
"Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof; pooping in the chimney."
Cut to Rooney sitting on top of a chimney
"Hold out your stockings, kids!" Mickey Rooney Calling down his kids
As we see Mickey pooping in the chimney.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to the dining room with the Mallque/Griffin family
"You can't join the army Chris! You're too young! Besides, the army is weak. Now the marines, those are the men you want to fuck." Lois said that she doesn't want Chris to join but instead join the marines because those are the men you want to fuck.
This cause the boys plus Emily to get gross out.
"Gross grandma, nobody want that! The guys want bitches, hot and big tities bitches!" Frank said as he tells her that boys want hot women with big boobs not men.
As John and Tyler nodded with that statement.
"Are you kidding, Lois? The army's great! You get to save money for college, there's free food, and all the brown people you can rape." Peter said in agreement with Frank plus saving money for the college the boys are going too and all brown women to rape.
"I don't agree with the brown people raping, but the money for college is good. Also that Chris has kids with Lana, Loka and Sam!" Frank said as tells peter off about brown people raping and said good about the money for college part also about chris having kids with three different women.
"I am sorry, but he is not joining the army. Case closed." Lois said as she made her mind on it and not allowed the boys to join the army.
Meanwhile at the other side of dinner table with Brian, Stewie and Frank Jr.
"I can't believe they're brainwashing kids like Chris, john and Tyler to serve in the military." Brian said as he is offended by the army for brainwashing the kids.
"Ah, yes. The bottom 10% of our high-school class is off to fight another battle." Stewie said about the bottom 10% of their town high-school class is off to fight another war.
"You stole that from The Onion." Frank Jr said as he know that Stewie stole that from the onion magazine.
"What?" Stewie said in shocked.
"You stole that...I...I read that in The Onion, about the War in Iraq." Brian explain to stewie on what just said was stole.
"Well if that's true then I'd say they've got some sharp cookies over at the, uh...wh...wh...wh...what is it again? The Onion?" Stewie said as he cover the conversation up.
"So if me and Brian go up to our room right now, we're not gonna find a copy of The Onion, right?" Frank Jr asked that he and Brian go up to their room right now, they're not gonna find a copy of The Onion.
"No." Stewie reply
As Brian and Frank Jr pushes their chairs back pretending to get up to leave and Stewie makes a dash for his room, but trips over his dinner and falls to the floor.
As they see Stewie from the floor, off-screen.
"Ow! Dammit!" Stewie said in pain as he was caught red handed.
"That's what I thought, bitch." Frank Jr said with a smug smile.
"Coming this fall, if you loved Everybody Loves Raymond, then you'll love his brother Robert even more, in Robert." Announcer guy explain the spin off Robert.
"I bet you Debra really gave it to Ray today. I bet you she made a sandwich that wasn't
very good, but he ate it anyway. And then she got mad at him cause he gave her a funny look." Robert said to his wife about what ray was doing in his show.
"I miss Ray." Robert said as he regrets having this spin off.
Meanwhile we join Peter and Lois are in bed with Frank Jr.
"I can't believe Chris would just buy into that army recruiter's sales pitch. We can't let him enlist!" Lois said about Chris buy into the army recruiter's sales pitch.
"Don't worry Lois, all he needs is an after-school activity to get his mind off the Army. Just something to distract him. You know, like all of America gets distracted whenever a cute, white girl dies." Peter said as he sets up a cutaway about all of America gets distracted whenever a cute white girl dies.
Cutaway
We turn the scene to an overturned bus, with a policeman holding a clipboard and the press standing by
"We regret to report that not all the children onboard the school bus survived" the police announced.
"We have identified the body of one victim, nine-year-old Becky Gunderson" he announced as everyone groaned.
"No, wait, that's, uh, Becky Gutierrez" the officer corrected as he Reading from his clipboard.
Oh. The Press groaned.
"That's not news" the news crew rejected.
Cutaway Ends
"Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?" Frank Jr asked Brian about him see Revenge of the Sith
"Yeah, I saw part of it. Brian said yes that he did see the movie.
"Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk? You know that scene where Yoda comes in and they are about to have that big fight? Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I mean, I'm just saying, what does he need a desk for?" Frank Jr asked brian on why the emperor has a desk.
"Who the hell cares?" Brian said who cares.
That's when stewie come in for the kill.
"He is just saying, it's weird. I mean, what was he doing at his desk? Like, right before Yoda walked in. What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork?" Stewie said as he also ask on why does the emperor do with is desk, work or paper work.
"Was he, like, "Oh, Yoda. What do you need, "and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. "These requisition forms for new TIE fighters "have to be down to Debbie in accounting by 6:00, "or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room." Frank Jr said as he acts like the emperor from star wars with his voice.
That's when Brian turn the car around.
"Brian, what are you doing? Gymboree is that way. Brian, its parachute day!" Stewie complain to Brian that he and Frank Jr will be late for preschool for parachute day.
"What the hell man, I like parachute day!" Frank Jr screamed at Brian for change directions.
"I just want to swing by the army recruiting center and give a piece of my mind
to that jerk who tried to brainwash Chris." Brian explain that he is going to swing by the army recruiting center and give a piece of my mind to that jerk who tried to brainwash Chris and the boys.
As both boy sit in their seats in a huff.
"We are gonna be so late. I'm not gonna have a partner. I'm gonna have to be partners
with the teacher.' Stewie complain about what gonna happened to them when they arrive to school late.
It's just wrong for the military to mess with kids' minds. They're all gonna wind up in therapy, like Peter was. Brian said as he sets up a cutaway about peter going to therapy.
Cutaway
The scene shifts to a scene of Dr. Katz.
"Every time my daughter opens her mouth, I just want to punch her in the face. She's really annoying" Peter explained.
"Uh-huh. All right, let's explore that" Dr. Katz added.
"What the hell's wrong with you? Your skin's, like, moving around or something" Peter wondered.
"I believe I'm having some sort of seizure" Dr. Katz explained.
Cutaway Ends
We now join Peter, Chris and the boys at James woods high school, as they were looking for something in school clubs to distract the boys from the army.
"What kind of after-school activity should I do, Dad?" Chris asked his father on what kind of after-school activity should they do.
"Well, Chris, there's a lot of fun activities out there. For example, I used to be a horse whisperer." Peter said as he set up cutaway about himself being a horse whisperer.
Cutaway
We see peter talk to a horse about a lady passing by them.
"Pfft, maybe if she spent some time on the treadmill and I was drunk" the horse joked.
"I wouldn't, either," Peter added.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to the boys.
"I don't think any of this stuff is right for me, Dad." Chris said as he doesn't feel that these activity are for him.
Let's just face it. We suck! John said as Tyler nodded in agreement.
Until peter notices a metal band practicing at the school.
As the band was jamming, they were stop by peter.
"Sounds like you guys could use some fresh blood. This is my son, Chris. You should hear his voice. It's absolutely gorgeous. Like Laura Dern, if she didn't look like a banana." Peter said as he introduces Chris to the band and how he has a great sing voice.
"He can sing?" The band said as they doubt Chris can sing.
"Yeah, runs in the family. See, look." Peter said as he get to a piano to play a diddy.
Peter I 'am Peter Griffin
I like fancy food
I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude
"Yeah, rock'n'roll!" Peter said as he finished his song.
That's when Peter drops a piano on Chris' foot which cause him to scream. But this impressed the band by his scream.
"Did you hear that?" The guitarist said
"Guys, I think we just found our new lead singer." The drummer said as they all agreed to let Chris enter their band.
"Awesome! I'm gonna be a famous music star, like Muddy Waters!" Chris said as he set up a cutaway about famous music star muddy waters.
Cutaway
"Muddy? Baby? Everything all right in there?" Muddy's wife asked outside the bathroom.
"Oh, I think I'm about to pass a kidney stone" Muddy explained as his band plays music while peeing and screaming at the same time.
Cutaway Ends
Now we join Brian, Frank Jr and Stewie at the armed forces career center.
"Boy, I can't wait to lay into that recruiter." Brian said as he can wait to meet the recruiter and give what for.
"Yes, you'll be about as effective as the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes." Frank Jr said as he set up a cutaway about the effectiveness of the Wizard of Oz was at granting wishes.
Cutaway
"And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes, but little did you know, you've had herpes all along" the wizard said.
"I didn't want herpes!" Dorothy shouted.
"Well... you've got it" the wizard said indifferently.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to the trio in the armed forces career center.
"Yes, I'd like to see the army recruiter." Brian asked the receptionist that he would like to see the army recruiter.
"Oh, you'll have to have a seat. There's a 25-minute wait." The receptionist tells Brian that he needs to wait 25 minutes for the army recruiter to see him.
"Twenty-five minutes? Oh, God. All right, I better go put more money in the meter." Brian said as he asked the babies wait here while he add more money to the meter.
That when the scene change to the army recruiter inside his office.
"Peggy, would you send in the next...Oh, you're already here." Army Recruiter said as he spots the babies as the recruiters.
"Say, aren't you a little young to join the army?" Army Recruiter said as he asked them if they are too young to join the army.
"No, he has that Webster disease." Frank Jr said as he tells that Stewie is one join not him and he tells him that Stewie has that Webster disease.
"Hey, is that the M9 double-action pistol?" Stewie said as he is impressed by the guns
"Sure is. Standard issue in the army." Army Recruiter said its Standard issue in the army to have a gun of this model.
"Where do I sign?" Stewie asked him on where he signs.
"Right here. Did I mention there's a $100 bonus if you sign up a buddy?" Army Recruiter said as he points where Stewie to sign and tells him about $100 bonus if you sign up a buddy.
"Really? Well, I think I have a surprise for somebody." Stewie said as he enlists himself and Brian.
Until the babies heard a voice behind them.
"There you are." Brian said as he finally reach the kids.
Until he and Stewie were giving army hats by the army recruiter.
"Congratulations, you are both in the army!" Army Recruiter said as he welcome them to the U.S.A Army.
"We're both - what!? That's ridiculous!" Brian said as he can't believe that he is in the army.
"I'll tell you what's ridiculous! The Kaiser! Somebody should put him on a roll!" Vern said as he and his partner start their song.
Vern Over, we're coming over
And we won't come back till it's over, over there
"Commercial! ...Damn, play me some filler, Johnny!' Vern said as he asked Johnny to play some filler.
As Johnny plays "Galloping Gertie" by Sam Fonteyn, and Vern begins to dance, before Stewie shoots them both several times to their deaths.
Okay, they're dead. Alright? We're not gonna be seeing them again. Stewie said to the audience about not seeing Johnny and Vern again in this show.
Meanwhile outside the hall we see Frank Jr on his phone calling some people.
"Hey girls, I hear that Chris is join a band and I thought that we should remake my band again since I feel something bad going down." Frank Jr said as he asked the girls to join his band.
On the other end of the phone we see the girls at their house look at each other and then they made a decision.
"We are in!" Maddie reply as Rosie nodded in agreement.
"Good see you guy soon at the dance this Friday." Frank Jr said as he hangs up his phone.
As the scene turn to black.
Now we join Brian and Stewie in the U.S army as their drill sergeant talk to the new Recruits.
"My God, you are the sorriest bunch of rejects I ever seen, and I've seen The Bangles in concert." Drill sergeant said to his recruits about them being the sorriest bunch of rejects he ever seen and then he spot the duo being the weird ones.
"You! Where are you from, boy? Drill sergeant asking Stewie on where he is from.
"Quahog." Stewie answer his home town.
"They only got two things in Quahog. Steers and queers! I don't see no horns on you. What does that make you, boy?" Drill sergeant ask him about two things he know about Steers and queers, then asking him which one is he since Stewie doesn't have horns.
"Queer?" Stewie answer that he is queer.
"Right!" Drill Sargent said that Stewie that his answer is right on.
"Oh, I got it?" Stewie ask him in shock that he got it right on the first try.
"Yeah." Drill Sargent said until he heard laughter right next to Stewie.
"Hehehe!" Brian chuckles by that joke until he was called out by his sergeant.
"You find something funny, Private Dancer? Dancer for money, any old music will do." Drill sergeant asking him if he finds something funny about him.
"Well, actually, yeah. You're last little back-and-forth there with Stewie, that whole queer thing, which was actually pretty funny." Brian explain that what the drill sergeant did with Stewie was pretty funny to him.
Until Brian hit by the Drill sergeant's gun by the end part and fell on the floor..
"Aaaahhaa! Oh, God!" Brian said in pain.
"That's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane." Stewie explain in a cutaway about getting hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinedine Zidane.
Cutaway
As we see Zinedine Zidane enters a house where a grandma opens.
"Yes?" she asked, only for the former French footballer head-butts her.
"Bon Anniversaire" Zidane said.
Cutaway Ends
We now join Chris and The band, Splash Log, at a school dance
"Yo, yo! What's up, James Woods High? I'm Chris and this is our band, Splash Log,
and we're gonna rock this place until...Until about 9:30, cause that's when the dance is over." Chris explain about his band and then they start sing.
Chris: Evil monkey holds the key Evil monkey's gonna get me
I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth
Evil, evil monkey!
Audience: Evil, evil monkey!
Chris: Evil, evil monkey, OWW!
After Chris falls through the floor at the school dance, Mayor West is seen playing poker with the dogs from a notable painting series by C.M. Coolidge.
Mayor West? Chris asked him on why is he here under the school playing poker with dogs.
'Quiet, young man. Can't you see we're having a poker game? Now, I'll ask again. If I order a pizza, will anyone else have some?" Mayor West asked his friends is he order a pizza, will anyone else have some.
"I might have a slice." Mark the dog said as he wants a slice of pizza.
"Well, you know, I'm gonna need more of a commitment than that, Mark." Mayor West said as he needs more of a commitment than that for the rest of the dogs.
Back to the dance as the announcer guy introduce the next band.
"It givies me great pleasure to introduce to you, after an absence of three years, the one… the only…MC 12, HAHAHA WHOA!" announcer said as this was the return of Frank Jr band with Maddie and rosie join in the fun.
"One two three!" Frank Jr said as the band play their musical instruments.
Frank Jr You can't sit around waiting for the path to glory
You gotta get movin' to tell your story
John The bigger they come, the harder they fall
From the littlest acorns come trees so tall
Tyler And where you're comin' from is where you're goin'
Til' you get there you got no way of knowin'
Frank Jr, Maddie, Rosie All the love in the world won't find you if you don't let it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
And every mistake is a break but only if you get it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
As the band kick up as the music gotten louder with guitar solo with drums in the back ground.
As it zoom to Frank Jr as it show his name.
Frank Mallque Jr
Lead vocals & Guitar.
Then the scene shows Rosie playing the violin with it crank it up to twelve. As it zoom up to her face.
Rosie Kennedy
Fiddle
Then the scene change to Maddie as she plays One String Thang in a solo. As it zooms to her face.
Maddie Murdock
One String Thang
Then the scene shows explosions as it zoom to John and Tyler as they play their musical instruments.
John Biteo and Tyler Fitz
(J) Harmonica & Bass. (T) Backup singer & Drums
Frank Jr, Maddie, Rosie All the love in the world won't find you if you don't let it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
And every mistake is a break but only if you get it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
As they all jam out as john play the bass in front of the crowd and the girls were hopping the back by the song of their music
Frank Jr Everyday is a brand new place
Feel the sun upon your face
Try somethin' new, don't regret it
A hole in your shoe but just forget it
As john does a back flip on the stage as he is having fun, then Rosie jump down stage then she high five the audiences like a wave. Then Maddie was flying by tight rope and she was happy until she smash into the stage floor. Then john did a stage dive and he rode the people wave back to the stage.
Frank Jr, Maddie, Rosie and Tyler Let it ride, oh, you got to let it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
Let it ride, oh, you got to let it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
And every mistake is a break but only if you get it
Let it ride, let it ride, let it ride
Then the band rock out until the song over as they were together to make everyone smile. As the scene ends by fade to black.
We now join Brian and Stewie doing laps with their fellow recruits and they were sings.
The Drill sergeant West Side Story, Anything Goes
Brian, Stewie and the recruits West Side Story, Anything Goes
The Drill sergeant Two of my favorite Broadway shows
Brian, Stewie and the recruits Two of my favorite Broadway shows
The Drill sergeant Miss Saigon and Cabaret
Brian, Stewie and the recruits Miss Saigon and Cabaret
The Drill sergeant Overrated, I should say
Brian, Stewie and the recruits Overrated, I should say
The Drill sergeant One, two, three, four.
That's when the sergeant did some rigatoni dancing and the all of the recruits join in beat.
Brian, Stewie and the recruits Mambo!
Then they did some ballet and twist moves until the song ended.
The recruit were run until Brian begins to slow down which was notice by his drill sergeant.
"Griffin! You got four legs there! You better start using them!"The Drill sergeant said to Brian to move it.
"I'm trying, sir." Brian said as he is trying to move his legs.
"You got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or this entire platoon is gonna
scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes."The Drill sergeant said as he explain that brian got five seconds to get to the head of the pack, or his entire platoon is gonna scrub the latrines with their toothbrushes.
"Oh, come on, Brian!" Stewie shouted at him to move it.
"Don't screw us, Griffin!" Solder said about Brian not screwing them over.
"Yeah, come on, don't screw us, Brian Griffin!" Solder said as well to Brian to not screw with them.
"Bill, how about thinking up your jeers for a change, huh?" Solder said back to bill.
"Four! Three! Two!"The Drill sergeant said the countdown.
"Oh, come on, Brian, get up! Stewie shouted at Brian to keep moving but Brian falls on the ground from pure exhaustion.
Time's up! You're pathetic, Griffin! Pathetic! The Drill sergeant said to brian as he is lack of physical exercise prior coming here.
The scene where the drill sergeant discovers a half-eaten bird in Brian's foot-locker parodies a similar scene in Full Metal Jacket where a jelly donut is discovered.
Whose half-eaten dead bird is in this footlocker?The Drill sergeant asked the crew about the half-eaten dead bird and who does it belong too.
Let's say hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here. Would admission of that allow that person to keep it? Brian asked if hypothetically that it does belong to someone in here, would admission of that allow that person to keep it.
This piss off the sergeant as he confronts Brian with a punishment.
"Private Griffin, just for that, you have to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album."The Drill sergeant said as brain punishment is to listen to one track from this Chris Gaines album.
"Don't you think that's a little extreme?" Brian asked if this was extreme.
Two tracks! The Drill sergeant reply by adding two track into the punishment.
"It's so stupid. It's just Garth Brooks in a wig." Brian said it's so stupid.
"Three tracks!"The Drill sergeant reply by adding three track into the punishment.
"Come on!" Brian said as he complains about it.
"We can go all day with this!"The Drill sergeant said as he can do this all day.
"Yeah, but..." Brian said as he tries to argue.
"That's it! Every single track, plus the hidden bonus track!"The Drill sergeant reply by adding the whole track into the punishment plus a hidden bonus track.
"There's a hidden bonus track? Oh, I hope it's a ballad." Stewie said in shocked and he hopes the hidden track was a ballad.
Now we join peter, Lois and Frank Jr in bed as peter and Frank Jr were reading adventure book and decide which way the knight goes.
"Should I follow the knight into the dungeon, or should I go back the way I came? I'll follow the knight. Page 37, page 37." Peter said as he goes to page 37.
But both he and Frank Jr freak out when the read the chapter and flip back ot their original page.
"I mean, go back the way I came. He didn't take my hand off the page. You seen it, Grandma, right? You see our hands on the page." Frank Jr said as he explain to Lois that they went back to the original page and didn't cheat.
"Yeah, guys, I seen it." Lois said until she hear loud music down stairs.
"Oh, no, not again. You know, I'm glad Chris found an activity he likes, but why do they have to use our garage?" Lois complains about chris band using the garage for the band rehearsal.
"Come on, Lois, sometimes kids can be a handful. Look at Gregory Peck's kids." Peter said to Lois to back off and sets up a cutaway about Gregory Peck's kids.
Cutaway
We see a bunch of Gregory Pecks in the car.
"Are we there yet?" Young Gregory in a red sweater asking if they are there yet.
"It's crowded back here." Young Gregory in a yellow sweater said it crowed in the back.
"Stop touching me." Young Gregory in a blue sweater said to his brother to stop touching him.
"Your leg is rubbing up against mine." Young Gregory in a yellow sweater said to the red sweater version of Gregory to stop rubbing his leg against his.
"Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over." Gregory shouted at them to be quiet.
"Stop breathing on the window." Young Gregory in a red sweater said to yellow to stop breathing on the window
"You idiot, that's condensation, It's on the outside." Young Gregory in a yellow sweater said to his red counterpart that its condensation and it's on the outside.
"That's it! I will come back there and, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring hand." Gregory shouted that if they don't shut up he will come back there and, so help him God, he will hit them with his ring hand.
Cutaway Ends
Meanwhile In the barracks, as Brian packs his suitcase to leave the army until stewie see him.
"What the hell are you doing?" Stewie asking on what he is doing
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm leaving." Brian explains that he is leaving.
"You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach." Stewie said as he set up a cutaway about Peter going after that hockey coach.
Cutaway
There's no cutaway. Sorry guys.
Cutaway Ends
As Stewie glances into the camera for a second.
"Hmm, no clip? Thought we had a clip! No? Ok. You can't leave, Brian. You'll get life in prison." Stewie explains that's Brian will get life in prison for desertion.
But Brian was not detrude
"I'll take my chances." Brian said as he continues to pack his bag.
"Let me ask you this. When was the last time you saw something through to the end?" Stewie ask Brian on when was the last time he saw something through to the end.
"Well, I..." Brian said as he tries to say something that he did but Stewie interrupts him.
"Never, that's when! You need this, Brian. You dropped out of college. You still haven't finished your novel. Do you know what you lack? Discipline! And do you know where you'll get it? Right here in the army!" Stewie tells Brian that he need this since he lack discipline since he never finishes anything.
"Boy, you know what? You're right. Everything I've ever done, I've crapped out on halfway through. Well, not this time. I am going to finish what I started." Brian said as he decides that he gonna finish what he started here in the army.
"That's the spirit! You can do anything you put your mind to." Stewie said as he is proud of Brian and he know that he can do anything when he puts his mind to do it.
"You know, it's really hard to masturbate with you guys talking." Soldier shouted at the duo as he is trying to masturbate.
"Not for me!" Another Soldier said as he is climaxing.
Now we are back at the Mallque/Griffin house as Chris and his band are jamming in the garage.
Chris Evil, evil monkey
Then it was interrupted by lois.
"Chris, will you knock that off for two minutes? We want to talk to you." Lois shouted at Chris so he can talk to them.
"Take five, guys. What do you buttheads want?" Chris asked rudely about why his parents are here with Frank and Emily.
"You've been playing with your friends long enough." Lois tell him that he is done for today with his band.
"Now it's time for you to come inside and do your homework." Emily reply as she tell him that he need to do his homework.
"It's time for you to piss off, redhead." Chris said something rude to his mother.
"What?" Lois said in shocked.
"Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk to your mother that way." Peter reply to his son that he can't say that stuff to his own mother.
Oh, way to stand up for your woman there, fatty. Chris said as he insulted his own father.
"Chris, what the hell is going on with you lately? Ever since you hooked up with this band, you're like a completely different person like a fat asshole, and I don't like it one bit." Frank said as he explain that Chris is acting like and asshole since he join the band.
"I am expressing myself! Now, get out of my way! I'm going to the park to loiter." Chris said as he goes outside and he hops on a motorcycle with Herbert as they drive away.
"What the hell is his problem?" Emily asked her parents about Chris behavior.
"I don't know. He's acting worse than pops did when he tried to cover his farts by coughing." Frank said as he sets up a cutaway about peter coving his farts by coughing.
Cutaway
"Okay, welcome to the PTA meeting. On the subject of school lunches, I know there's been some concern about nutrition…" Peter farts as he coughs.
"We've had complaints about the soda machines…" Peter does it again.
"And I have spoken with the school board…" Peter makes a long fart.
"Is there something you'd like to say, Mr. Griffin?" the PTA member asked.
"Uh... Noooo... No. No, I'm good." Peter answered with more farting and coughing.
Cutaway Ends
Now we are back at the army base as Brian and Stewie are gonna finished basic training.
"All right, men. This obstacle course represents the final test of your training. Almost all of you have completed it in the allotted time. But as you know, as a unit, you either all graduate, or none of you graduate. Griffin, it's up to you." The Drill sergeant said
"All Right Brian, pray with me." Stewie said as he asked Brian to pray with him.
As they pray to god.
"Dear Lord, Just stay out of our way. Okay, good luck." Stewie said to god to get out of their way.
As he goes with the other recruits so Brian can begin his course.
"And go!" The Drill sergeant said as Brian begins his training trial.
During the obstacle course Brian rides a unicycle, solves a Rubik's Cube, and plays Perfection.
"There's Waldo." Brian said as he finds Waldo.
Then he offers a couple eating salad at a dinner table some fresh pepper
"Fresh pepper?" Brian asked the blonde woman for fresh pepper for her salad.
"Yes, thank you." The blonde woman said as Brian give her some pepper on her salad.
"Oh, that's plenty, thanks." The blonde woman said that enough pepper.
Then Brian turn to her date the man for pepper for his salad.
"None for me, thanks." The man said as he doesn't want pepper.
Brian then consoles a woman who was just dumped by her boyfriend.
"My boyfriend just dumped me." The woman said as she was crying for being dump.
"There's a lot of fish in the sea. It's always darkest before the dawn. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be." Brian said as he tells her that there another man and if hse and them an weren't meant to be then so be it.
"Thanks!" The woman said being happy for that advice as Brian rush toward the finish line as he won.
"You did it, Brian! You did it! Oh, I say, this is an even bigger accomplishment than getting Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen." Stewie said as he sets up a cutaway about Minnie Driver's head to fit onscreen.
Cutaway
We join Minnie's director attempted to fit her extremely oversized head on the screen
"Okay, back up. Further. Move back some more." Minnie's director
"What?!"
"Back up some more." Minnie's director
"I'm as far away as I can get."
"Okay, have her enter. Action! Damn it. Cut!" Minnie's director said but Minnie Driver appears but her giant head still cannot fit the screen.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to USA Army base as the recruits passed basic training.
"Congratulations, men. You've all passed basic training. I'm proud to call you soldiers. I'm sure you'll do your country proud tomorrow morning, when you're all shipped off to Iraq." The Drill sergeant said as the recruits are deployed to Iraq.
"What?" Brian said in shocked.
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq." Stewie said as he misunderstands the location of their deployment to be "Fraggle Ir-rock," rather than Iraq since he still a baby.
We now join Brian and Stewie at Iraq as they are dress as solders.
"This isn't so bad." Brian said to Stewie that this place isn't so bad.
"Yes, the people are friendly. I say the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion." Stewie said it's nice and the media has totally blown this whole thing out of proportion.
As the scene change to two terrorist as one of them is give the another guy a suicide bomb backpack.
"Okay, I go in store. I throw backpack. Big boom." Terrorist with bomb bag asked his friend that he throw his backpack at bad people then big boom.
"No, no, no. You are big boom. Big hero." His friend said that he is the big boom.
"Okay, right. So I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party
with many virgins." Terrorist with bomb bag asked his friend that he will throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins
"No, no, no, no, no. You boom!" His friend explain that he is the big boom.
"Okay, okay. I put on backpack, boom. Then I come back, be hero, virgins." Terrorist with bomb bag said as he still doesn't get it.
"Okay, yeah, see you in a few minutes, big hero." His friend said as he give up on him explain it.
"Unit 17, this is base. Please report." Commander over walkie-talkie said to Stewie to report.
"10-four, everything is Charlie 4060." Stewie reply in weird lingo.
"What does that mean?" Brian asked him on what he is talking about.
"I don't know. I just thought you're supposed to say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected me so far." Stewie explain to Brian that he was say names and numbers. Nobody's corrected him so far.
But suddenly a terrorist attack on their patrol.
"What the hell was that?" Stewie said as he freaks out about what just happened.
Then Stewie and Brian hide underneath their jeep.
"Help, help! I mean Charlie, Tango, Cash, 47 Victor Charlie, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman! Stewie said as he asked for help threw his walkie-talkie.
"Roger that. We're moving to your position." The commander said as he coming in to their position.
But they were bomb again and they ran again to find shelter.
Now back at the Mallque/Griffin house in Chris's room as the parents had enough of Chris's behavior.
"Chris, your father and I are very upset by this new attitude of yours." Lois said as she and peter have had it with his behavior.
"I don't care what you think of me!" Chris shouted at them without a care.
"Oh, God. I envy that. I am so self-conscious about what people think of me." Peter said as he is relieve by that comment.
"I am out of here." Chris said as he leaves the room.
While still in Chris's room, Frank, Emily, Lois and Peter repeat lines from a Wu-Tang Clan song titled "Bring Da Ruckus" found on Chris's floor.
"You know, I think I may have an idea what's causing his behavior, Peter. Look at all this stuff." Lois said as she notice the stuff on the floor that is new to her.
"Listen to these lyrics. "I rip it hardcore like porno-flick bitches. I roll with groups of ghetto bastards with biscuits." Wow that's dirty guys!" Emily said as she said the lyrics and she and Lois think that this is dirty.
"Oh, look, they got a translation for white people." Peter said as his spot a translation of the lyrics.
"I give 110% when it comes to helping my community, "even though I occasionally associate "with some less-than-reputable characters." Frank reply the translation lyrics.
"Peter, these lyrics are filthy." Lois said to peter that this song is filthy.
"All this violent music is what's screwing Chris up." Emily explain that the music is making Chris act all crazy.
As Lois finding posters inside of Chris' wardrobe.
"What the hell? Marilyn Manson? Is that who's causing all this?" Lois question on who Marilyn Manson and is he the one who caused this.
"Yeah, it's all him or hers fault. Who does he or she think, he or she is? Look you could totally see his or her nipples. That's obscene. Maybe." Peter said as he said something insult while being confused by him.
"There's only one thing to do." Lois said as she nodded with the family.
"You're right. We gotta find this Marilyn Manson, and I gotta give that bastard or bitch a piece of my mind or penis." Peter said as they decided to confront Manson at the Grammy Awards while peter still confused by Manson's appearance.
"Okay on the first part but gross on the second part pops!" Frank said as they race out of Chris room to find Marilyn Manson and kick his ass.
Back to Iraq, as after a terrorist attack on their patrol, both Brian and Stewie are attempt to get discharged.
"All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get ourselves to be kicked out." Brian said to Stewie about getting kick out of the army.
"Right, we just gotta convince them we are not "army" material. Ready?" Stewie said as he tell Brian that they gotta convince the army that they both are not "army" material.
"All right, let's do it!" Brian said as the two started kissing each other
"Wow, look at how gay we are!" Stewie said as they first attempt to show that they are 'not Army material' in front of other soldiers by pretending to be gay
As two men pass by and they are gross out by it.
"I am so gay with my gayness." Stewie said as he brag about being so gay for Brian.
"Me too! I'm... I'm a homo." Brian said as he tell everyone that he is a homo.
But when an officer asks if he can join in.
"Any room for one more?" Gay Man asked them to join in.
"Hell yeah!" Stewie said until Brian bitch slap him and they gave up on this plan.
Next, they attempt to go home wounded.
"All right, last resort. We get injured and go home with Purple Heart. Shoot me in the foot." Stewie asking Brian to shoot him in the foot
"What? Shoot yourself in the foot." Brian said as he really not into this plan.
"No, no, they can tell by the angle. Here, you shoot me and I'll shoot you." Stewie said as he tell Brian that they need to do this.
After a small debate over Stewie asking Brian to shoot him in the foot they both attempt to shoot each other in the foot.
"I don't think this is gonna work!" Brian said as he not okay with plan still.
"Of course it will work. OK, ready? One... Two... Three!" Stewie said as he count down on when they shoot their legs.
Both shoot; Brian gets shot, but missed Stewie.
"Ahhh! Dammit! Oh, my god, that hurts!" Brian said as he groans in pain.
"I think you've missed me." Stewie said as he notice that Brian missed his foot.
"All right, I'll try again." Brian said as he reload his gun.
"Uh, no, no, no! Hang on, that looks like it's painful." Stewie said as he changes his mind because he is chicken.
"Of course it's painful! There's a bullet in my foot, now get over here!" Brian said as he isn't have this and begin shooting.
"Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! I change my mind."Stewie said as Brian starts attempting to shoot Stewie's foot.
But Stewie is running around.
"I don't want to do this." Stewie said as he doesn't want this at all.
"Come on we had a deal!" Brian said as he still trying to shoot Stewie's foot.
"No, no, no, no! Don't point that at me! Oh, oh, no, no, no! No, oh, God, come on! This is bad for god's sake!" Stewie said as he whines about it like a wuss.
As Brian still trying to shoot Stewie's foot with his gun.
"Oh ow, ow, oh ow! Oh, you got me! Ow, ow, ow!" Stewie said as he starts faking he got shot.
"Let me see it." Brian asked him to see his foot.
"No, no it's gross." Stewie said as he was stalling for time.
"Let me see it!" Brian asked him again to see the foot.
"No, I don't want you to gross you out. Oh ow ow we are in so much pain right now, the two of us, oh ow." Stewie said as he still stalling with his fake injurie.
Then Brian shoots again, hitting Stewie in the foot, causing him to scream.
"OWW! OK, that was real!" Stewie said as he was shot with good measure.
As the two approach to the leader, hoping with one foot.
"Uh, hey, hi! I'm Private Stewie, and this is Private Brian. Uh, we both got shot in the foot. So, we figured and honorable discharge would be an order, uh, and you could just send us back to the States." Stewie explain that he and brian were both got shot in the foot. So, they figured and honorable discharge would be an order, they could just send them back to the States
However, this plan does not work either.
"Getting shot doesn't get you out of here, anymore." Leader said that Getting shot doesn't get anybody out of here, anymore.
"What?!" Brian shouted in shocked with Stewie look equally shocked as well.
"Yeah, we take whatever we can get, I mean, we got two dead guys, guarding the admonition." Leader said as the Army takes whatever they can find.
The scene cuts to two dead guys, guarding the ammo hangar, then cuts back.
"Sorry guys, you are here, until the job is done." Leader said to the duo that they are stuck her until the war is over.
Fortunately for them, however, a miracle happened.
"Great news, everybody!" Democracy just kicked in! Army man said as democracy abruptly kicks like in this cutaway.
Cutaway
Democracy kicks in with a fraternity group in a human pyramid, someone getting a haircut in a salon, a kid sitting on Santa's lap, and women in a bikini car wash.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to the duo of Brian and Stewie.
"So, it's over? That seems unlikely." Brian said in question on what just happened.
"Amazing. There was only one man in the world with the vision to predict something like this." Stewie said as he set up a cutaway about George W. Bush in exactly as he predicted the war will win in their side.
Cutaway
We see George Bush rolling a Slinky.
"Damn. Laura! Laura!" the toy rolls down the stairs.
Cutaway Ends
Now the scene change to the Grammy Awards as Peter, Frank, Emily and Lois infiltrates the event.
"And the Grammy for biggest posse goes to… Ja Rule." The announcer guy of the awards said the Grammy winner
"What?" Madonna said in shocked about the word posse being something naughty while standing up.
"No, Madonna. Posse. Posse." The announcer guy of the awards said it not a bad word.
"Oh." Madonna said as she sets down.
Now we join the after party with many celebrities as the crew are look for Marilyn Manson.
"All right, Marilyn Manson has to be here somewhere." Peter said to his wife about Marilyn Manson has to be here somewhere.
"Good thing we distracted that guard with that riddle." Frank said to Emily about distracted that guard with that riddle in a cutaway scene.
Cutaway
"What gets wetter as it dries? A towel. Hey! I've been had!" the guard shouted.
Cutaway Ends
Now back to the after party as Frank, Emily, Peter and Lois are still looking for Marilyn Manson in this crowd of celebrities.
"Hey, look. Right over there." Peter said as he spot him talking to people.
"Hey, Manson." Frank said as he call him out.
Then peter just punch him in the face.
"What in the world was that for?" Manson asked on why he punch him.
"Oh, it's a guy." Peter said as he notice his voice was guy.
"Well daaww!" Frank said as he realized before this how adventure began while he was being sarcastic.
"That's for ruining our son. He used to be a sweet boy until he heard your music." Lois said as she rant about Chris being a sweet boy until he heard Manson's music
"This old story. If I had a nickel. All right. Where's your son?" Manson said as he heard this story before and asked where Chris is now.
Now back at the Mallque/Griffin family house at the garage as Chris and his band are rehearsing.
Chris I'm hiding underneath my sheets for fear he'll point and show his teeth
Until Lois stop them with an announcement.
"Chris, we brought someone you might like to meet." Lois said as she introduce Marilyn Manson to Chris and his band.
"Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson." Chris said in shocked.
"Hey there, Chris. You working hard or hardly working?" Marilyn Manson said a joke which cause them to laugh.
The band just laughs at that joke.
"So, I see you're in a band." Manson asked chrism that he is in a band.
"Yep!" Chris reply yes.
"Listen, your parents tell me you've been acting out a little bit, and I just wanted to tell you rock and roll music is cool, but respect for your elders is a tune we can all dance to." Manson explain to chrism that being rude is not cool and respect for your elders is a tune we can all dance to.
"Really?" Chris asked in questionable confuse tone.
"Sure. And the best way to start a fun-filled day of being a good citizen is with a healthy breakfast, rich in breads and grains. And fruits are important too." Manson encourages Chris to respect his parents and be a responsible citizen.
"You mean like apples, oranges and bananas?" Chris asked him about the fruit that he ate.
"Any of them, Chris. You can't miss. And now I think your parents have something to say." Manson said as he turn to the parents to Chris.
"Chris, you don't really believe all the things in those song lyrics, do you?" Lois asked Chris if he doesn't believe all the things in those song lyrics
"No." Chris reply no.
Then why you been acting like such a punk to us, our own family? Frank asked Chris on why he is acting like such a punk to everybody.
"I guess I don't really know." Chris said as he doesn't know the answer.
"I think I have an idea. Peter, when was the last time you and Chris here did something together?" Manson asked peter on when was the last time they spend together.
"Boy, I guess it's been a while." Peter said it been a while.
"Here's something you might not know. Children crave structure. They enjoy the fun of planned activities in which they and their parent or guardian can share a common goal. Maybe you could take Chris fishing." Manson said as He also suggests that Peter and Chris share an activity like fishing.
"What do you say, Chris?" Frank asked Chris if he want to go fishing with peter.
"You wanna go fishing with your old man?" Peter asked the same thing.
"Do I?" Chris said excitedly.
"Also Chris don't worry about the child support, because the money for those gigs will pay for you kids also Clara, your daughter with Lana is coming to live with us since Lana thinks that you need to spend time with your daughter." Frank explain to Chris that his first born daughter is coming to live with them.
"Okay? Chris said in confusion. While Lois is still piss at Lana for taking her son, but was excited to meet her fist granddaughter.
As Chris and peter turn to mason for a response.
"Can't go without these." Manson said as he pulls out two fishing pole for them.
As they all laugh at that joke on last time until the scene fades to black until we see that we are back at the Grammy Awards with Marilyn Manson as the spotlight on him making announcement.
"Now for the finally, I'm proud to introduce to you coming back from a year of absence. The one, the only, MC12!" Marilyn Manson announces Frank Jr band Mc12.
"One two three!" Frank Jr said as the band play their musical instruments as John plays his harmonica with Rosie playing the fiddle.
Frank Jr We take the long way around
We get lost and we get found
I wonder why we couldn't go
Straight to the heart of love
As Frank Jr play his guitar while the scene turns to john and Tyler as they sing next.
John and TylerClimbing mountains, crossing streams
Crying tears, and dreaming dreams
I guess that's the only way we know
Straight to the heart of love
Maddie, Emily and Rosie Straight to the heart of love should be
The shortest distance from lonely
Not always the road you're thinking of
Straight to the heart of love
So take a chance, shine your light
Everything will be alright
You're gonna find a way to go
Straight to the heart of love
John and Persephone I've been thinking about you and me
And how this love was meant to be
As then scene show frank Jr play his guitar while sing his verse.
Frank Jr I'm taking the next clear shot I see
Straight to the heart of love
As john and Persephone sang their verse, john close in by kiss her cheek.
John and Persephone I'm taking the next clear shot I see
Straight to the heart of love
Now they are jam their instruments as they get the audience the groove of the song.
Straight to the heart of love, straight
Straight to the heart of love, straight
As they all shouted the word straight, Emily now used the One String Thang for a solo.
Straight, straight, straight, straight
Straight to the heart of love, straight
Straight to the heart of love, straight
"Eeeeeeeeeowwwwwww!" Frank Jr sang the last bit as the entire neighborhood cheer as the scene fade to black as the chapter ends.
CHAPTER END.
Well that's the fourth chapter of season 5, I hope you guys enjoy it. This is thanking for pen123 and Family Guy Fan writer 15, Thank you all for the cutaway, scenes, favoring, having me on alerts and with that. See you next chapter my friends.
