[A/N: Thank you to Calamity Owl for beta-reading this chapter! If anyone wants to chat about Harmony fanfics, drop on by the H.M.S. Harmony Discord ( discord {g}{g} {slash} hmsharmony ) or my channel at the Emerald Library ( discord {g}{g} {slash}
elibrary ) .]


"Bollocks!" Harry said.

"Language," Hermione said absently as she put the car into reverse. "Now buckle up, boys."

Remus and Harry promptly buckled their seatbelts, but Sirius's eyes lit up. "Because we're about to go on an exciting car chase?" he asked.

"No." Hermione pulled up to the edge of the parking lot at a reasonable speed and came to a complete stop before turning despite the fact that no cars were visible in either direction on the road. "Driving like crazy would only attract attention, so we're going to drive like ordinary muggles. I just wanted you to buckle up because seatbelts massively reduce the risk of death or serious injury in car accidents."

Sirius harrumphed, but he did buckle himself in.

Hermione took them down the road at precisely the speed limit, driving carefully and shifting conservatively. "So," she said, "Harry?"

"Um…yes?" He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

"There was a plan, Harry. The plan did not involve you summoning the Aurors." Her eyes remained fixed on the road ahead of them the whole time, which somehow made her tone of voice scarier.

"It was the only way to get the files and the artefacts out of her hidden room," Harry said.

"It wasn't worth it," Hermione said tightly. "I don't want you getting hurt because of me."

"It's not just for you," Harry replied. "It was for every muggleborn magical of the last two decades and those yet to come."

Only the sound of the road, the put-upon little engine, and the wind in the trees outside filled the silence of the car for a full minute. Eventually, Harry hazarded a glance at his girlfriend. A single tear had traced a track down her cheek and the remnant moisture glistened in the moonlight.

"Must you be a hero, Harry?" she asked.

Remus leaned forward. "I'm afraid so," he said. "My generation bolloxed up the world pretty badly and now people like him are stuck fixing it. I'm sorry. You both deserved better."

"The time is out of joint," Hermione said, tears in her voice. "O cursèd spite, that ever were we born to set it right."

"Well put," Remus said.

Sirius furrowed his brows. "Was that Shakespeare?"

"Indeed it was," Remus said. "See? You're not as uncultured as you pretend to be."

The other man pushed Remus out of the way and leaned up to stage whisper to Hermione, "I really am. I just guess 'Shakespeare' whenever someone says something that sounds like Old English and I'm usually right."

She laughed despite the tears in it. "I suppose you probably are," she said.

Harry's transformation wore off a few minutes later, and Hermione resolutely kept her eyes on the road while he struggled out of Umbridge's clothes.

"Harry?" she asked after a moment, her eyes resolutely forward.

"Yes?" he asked as he pulled on some boxers.

"Is it just me, or is that car coming toward us weaving a bit?"

Life was full of times to evaluate and think carefully, but Harry had long ago come to terms with the fact his life had fewer of those times than most people's. So instead of following Hermione's request, he started frantically rooting through Umbridge's clothes for his wand.

"Harry, it's getting—"

Harry cut her off when he finally found his wand, whipped it up, and blew the windshield out of the car with a Banishing Charm. Wind roared past his ears as Hermione slammed on the brakes, but he forced his wand into the correct motion for the Levitation Charm and picked up the dangerously weaving oncoming car. He tried to focus his intent as if he were performing a Judo-style throw like they taught in the academy and allow the other car's forward momentum to do most of the work.

The little BMW 3 series sailed about four feet over their heads and crashed onto the pavement behind them as their Vauxhall slowed to a halt. Hermione gripped the steering wheel hard enough to turn her knuckles white in the moonlight and stared straight ahead as if her duty as driver was the only thing holding her back from a panic attack. With the adrenaline wearing off, Harry's body took the opportunity to remind him that he was mostly naked up in the hill country in January.

"Remus?" he said as he cast a quick Warming Charm on himself.

"What in Merlin's name just happened?" the older man replied.

"Some arsehole was probably drunk and weaving all over the road," Harry said. "I levitated their car over us and deposited it on the road back there. Can you go over there, Obliviate them, and maybe give them a mental suggestion to get sick from the taste of alcohol for the rest of their lives? I'd do it, but I don't trust myself not to wipe their whole damn mind for nearly killing us."

"I understand," Remus said. "I'll return momentarily."

Sirius reached up and put his hands on Harry and Hermione's shoulders. "Well done, both of you. Neither of us recognized the nature of the threat there, but you handled it nicely."

"That plonker literally caught me with my pants down," Harry grumbled. "That was closer than I'd have liked. Thank you for dragging my head out of my arse, Hermione."

She remained staring straight out the non-existent windshield and didn't respond.

Harry reached over and put his right hand over her left. She was still gripping the steering wheel with both so tightly that Harry could feel the tension beneath the skin on the back of her hand. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked her.

"I nearly got you all killed," she said. "You trusted me to drive you and I wasn't good enough."

"That's not true," Harry said. "You warned us you weren't a very experienced driver. We accepted that risk and it was on us to use magic to protect ourselves."

"How is the fact that you people have no sense of self-preservation supposed to make me feel better?"

Harry flipped his right hand over and the moonlight seemed to highlight the faint, pale scar that ran across it. "We all do a lot of dangerous things," he said, "and just because our luck might run out one day doesn't mean they weren't worth doing."

At that, Hermione finally released the steering wheel and wrapped herself around his right arm, sobbing. Harry patted her back as best as he could with his left hand and Sirius leaned forward to hug both of them.

Remus came up a minute later, took one look at the situation, and quietly repaired the windshield before getting back in the car. "How are you all holding up?" he asked.

"I think we've been better," Sirius said. "Hermione, are you about ready to go? More cars might come soon."

"I suppose so," she said. "Harry, will you keep an eye on us? I'm even more nervous now."

"Of course," Harry said. "Let me just get out and change so I don't have to worry about that." He got out of the car and pulled on his clothes, then jumped back inside.

"Merlin, it's cold out there when you're mostly naked!" he said. "I forgot to redo the Warming Charm."

Hermione shivered sympathetically as she put the car into gear. "That does sound awful."

"I definitely don't recommend it," he said. "Anyway, Remus, what's the condition of that plonker back there?"

"He was mostly unharmed," Remus said. "Just a terrified, drunk, middle-aged man coming home from the pub. I Obliviated him and left him with the idea that he'd gotten terribly sick from the drink. I don't think he'll be able to touch a drop for many years to come."

"Nice work," Harry said. "Thank you for handling it so I didn't have to. I know he didn't deserve what I wanted to do to him, but I would have had trouble stopping myself and good Obliviation really needs a clear intent."

"I understand," Remus said. "I'm not sure I would have been any better within a day of the full moon."

Sirius shook his head. "I know on some level that was the right thing to do, Pup, but how are you not giving into that temptation to teach that arsehole what 'hell' really is? I keep thinking about how I'd have reacted if he'd hurt you and I think I'd have gone mad."

"Auror training is part of it," Harry said. "Also, people have been afraid of me ever since Second Year—"

"Was that the snake-talking incident?" Hermione asked, not taking her eyes off the road as she spoke.

"Yes," Harry said. "So I'm used to thinking about what's going to happen if I really let go."

"I see what you mean," Sirius said. "It would be hard to explain if that car ended up in orbit."

"Wait," Hermione said, "Harry could levitate something into orbit?"

"I don't think I could," Harry said.

Sirius barked out a laugh. "I like how you had to qualify that statement, Pup. Yes, I think he could if he really tried, but it would be difficult even for him."

"Not as difficult as explaining the breach in the Statute of Secrecy," Remus said.

"I disagree," Sirius said. "We could just come up with some story about a deranged billionaire who decided to launch a car into orbit with his own private rocket just to see if he could."

"Don't cover stories need to be plausible?" Hermione asked.

Remus laughed. "Once again, Hermione points out the fundamental flaw in the plan."

"Who cares about plausibility when your plan is awesome?" Sirius asked. "I would totally launch a car into orbit if I had a few billion pounds to spare."

"Same here," Harry said. "I much prefer awesomeness."

Hermione sighed theatrically. "Right there, that's his father talking, isn't it?"

"Oh, Merlin, you have no idea," Remus said. "Remember, you're talking about someone who figured out I was a werewolf and, instead of running away like a sensible person, convinced Peter and Sirius to use a dangerous ritual to become animagi to keep me company."

Sirius harrumphed. "I admit not everyone might have decided to become an animagus for their friend, but sensible people don't ignore friends just because they have one bad day a month."

"I agree," Hermione said. "I have a solid three or four bad days every month and Harry hasn't run off on me yet."

Harry started laughing so hard his glasses nearly fell off, and a moment later Sirius and Remus joined in. Even the still-shaken Hermione eventually joined in, and a much lighter mood filled the little Vauxhall as it wound its way through the Chiltern Hills.

The roads were quiet at that time of night, but the drive to the town of Witney still took them about fifty minutes. They'd originally planned more like forty minutes for the trip, but Hermione's increased anxiety about driving was manifesting itself with her being extra careful with the brakes and taking turns more slowly than normal. Other cars tried to tailgate them once or twice, but Harry encouraged her to pull over and let them pass. Initially, she was concerned that doing so might invite the other car to pull over, too, but Harry pointed out that was unlikely and, if it did happen, he was perfectly capable of turning whoever got out of the other car into a chicken.

Especially if it turned out to be Jeremy Clarkson. Hermione found herself surprisingly invested in the thought of seeing Jeremy Clarkson turned into a chicken in the middle of a rant at her about driving more slowly than even James May, which served to calm her down a bit.

Sirius and Remus had a few questions about muggle life as they passed the relatively larger town of Oxford, but otherwise they spent the ride debriefing on the evening's work and confirming Sirius had obtained the entire blackmail archive as well as the knife, the Diadem, and the journal.

After a few mishaps with the map, Harry navigated them to the night drop-off for the car rental company. As they drove up, Harry hit the cameras with a charm Aurors (and magical criminals) used to temporarily disable video recording equipment. It wasn't much, just a focused Lumos, but when centred on the camera lens it was quite effective at ensuring you weren't seen when you didn't want to be.

With the cameras no longer a concern, they were able to apparate straight back to the sitting room in 12 Grimmauld Place. Once Hermione recovered from the side-along apparition, she extracted herself from Harry's arms and plopped down on a wingback chair. "That was the most exhausting thing I've ever done," she said. "Can I just sleep right here?"

"That's fine," Remus said, "but we need to start on the next phase of the plot as quickly as possible."

Sirius spread the blackmail material out on the coffee table. "Let's see who we've got here…damn, this is a Who's Who of powerful arseholes in this country."

"Malfoy?" Harry asked eagerly.

"No, surprisingly," Remus said. "She may have thought they were too powerful to risk blackmailing. Regardless, though, remember that we agreed not to use them. Lucius is too smart and wealthy to get his own hands dirty. We need someone vindictive, but not wealthy enough to pay someone else to get their revenge."

"Got one." Sirius pulled out a folder. "Rupert Selwyn."

"Nice!" Harry said. "Big name, little money, marked Death Eater who got off with the Imperius defence. And, according to Nev, he's a huge arsehole in Wizengamot meetings. He should be perfect. I just wish we could safely determine what he's done before we give away the evidence."

"Likewise," Remus said, "but that puts us at a lot more risk. This is still magically sealed. He needs to know no one else knows what he's done."

"No more risk." Hermione didn't rise from the chair or even move her head as she spoke. "No more risk for any of you."

"You're right," Harry said to both of them. "OK, let's set this aside." He moved the folder to another table just to ensure it didn't get caught up in the next step.

"There's got to be at least forty other people in this set," Sirius said. "Should we just send the whole thing to the Quibbler?"

"I don't know," Harry said. "Looking at some of these names, I'm not sure it's a good idea. I mean, MacNair, Yaxley…they might kill Xeno and Luna for this."

"True," Remus said. "These are much bigger fish than I thought we'd catch. Do you think releasing this is going to cause problems?"

"Not really," Harry said. "That would require people in the Wizarding World to care about good government, and I've never seen them behave as anything but sheep eating out of the trough the Daily Prophet fills for them every morning."

Sirius nodded in agreement. "It would be nice if this material changed something, but I've given up hope on that."

"You may not be giving everyone enough credit," Remus said. "Even sheep can be provoked eventually."

Harry shrugged. "We can dream."

"It still makes me nervous that we don't know what we're unleashing," Remus said, "but maybe it should be unleashed, regardless. I'm just not sure how to do so without getting Xeno killed."

Sirius frowned at the documents. "I know a lot of questionable people, but nobody with a black-market printing press. OK, well, I guess Borgin does, but he's the last person we could trust to do this."

"I know someone," Harry said. "I think he's exactly the kind of crazy we need, but it would attract too much attention if I went to visit him in person since I'm supposed to be taking it easy. Sirius, Remus, are you up for a trip to America? I even have the perfect cover story."

"I find it hard," Sirius said, "to believe you can come up with a better cover story than Remus used to come up with for us back in school. He even fooled Lily a few times back when she was looking for excuses to punish us."

Harry did his best to pout. "You mean to say that if you knew there was a perfect form of the perfect pub food, you wouldn't go anywhere in the world to get it for me to make me feel better about not having been to a pub in ages?"

"Since when do Americans have better pub food than we do?" Sirius asked. "I think I'm offended."

"You like chicken wings, don't you?" Harry asked.

"Of course! They're delicious. Best thing muggles have come up with to accompany a pint," Sirius said.

"Do you ever wonder why they're called 'Buffalo wings' in some places?" Harry asked.

"Is that a type of chicken?" Sirius paused. "Or a type of buffalo?"

Remus sighed. "No, it's a city in New York State," he said.

"Where lies the legendarily seedy Anchor Bar," Harry added. "The originator and still king of the Buffalo Wing."

Sirius rose from his seat. "Did you hear the lad, Remus? We need to get to Buffalo now."

"Down, boy." Remus tugged Sirius back down. "We still have to figure out exactly how we're going to handle this."

"I propose allowing Umbridge to make the next move," Harry said. "Besides, it might look suspicious for you both to leave right after she was attacked."

"What if she buggers off?" Sirius asked.

"That's the worst case scenario," Harry said, "and even then, we're still rid of her. I don't think she'll do it, though. In fact, I think she'll do exactly the opposite."

Remus and Sirius shot him questioning looks. Hermione just snored softly.


Dolores Umbridge awoke with a start in a room so dark she couldn't tell if she'd actually opened her eyes. She had no idea where she was, how she'd got there, or what had happened since she'd last eaten breakfast…

Obliviation. It had to be, and by someone so confident that they hadn't even bothered trying to insert fake memories of what had happened to her. They wanted her to know they'd done it, the bastards. She was going to find them and make them bleed.

Shockingly, a quick pat of her body and the floor around her revealed they'd left her with her wand…and a piece of parchment laying on her chest. Dolores sat up and cast a quick Lumos to see if she could figure out what in Merlin's name was going on.

Her stomach knotted itself into a cold, leaden ball as the light brought with it realisation of where she was: in her secret storage room. Her empty secret storage room. She fumbled at the parchment for a moment before latching onto it like a drowning woman to a lifeline.

It was blank, and for a moment her stomach knotted itself even tighter before she thought to run a quick check on it with her wand. Sure enough, there was a Self-Destruction Charm on the parchment. She would have to run her wand over the parchment to read it, at which point he would only have a few minutes before the parchment (and any copies of it) burned away. A Wizarding Camera could photograph it, but spell disruption from the document's charmwork would require it to be used at a distance of about seven feet, which would make it difficult to read any words in the resulting image.

She took a deep breath and touched her wand to the page.

Dear Deputy Undersecretary Umbridge,

Thank you for your services in both cultivating this lovely collection of blackmail material and ensuring mudbloods no longer tarnish Hogwarts with their stolen magic. You've done well with both, but my colleagues and I have decided that those tasks are both too lucrative and too important to the future of the Wizarding World to be entrusted entirely to one person.

Here, then, is our proposal. You are far too efficient at your job for us to wish you to come to harm, so you may continue to collect your blackmail so long as you deposit one-half of the total into Vault #807 at Gringotts. In return, we will keep the change in your circumstances to ourselves.

Regarding mudbloods, we are impressed with the elegance of your solution to that particular problem and will endeavour to continue handling them to the same high standard you've already set. Furthermore, we have already put into place plans to pass this responsibility to our heirs after we depart this mortal coil, so you can rest assured your work will outlive all of us.

If, after reading this proposal, you find it unsatisfactory, you can convey your rejection of it to us by either informing the Aurors of this theft or by attempting to seek out the identity of the holders of Vault #807. At that point, we shall be forced to consider our relationship terminated and will shortly do likewise to your personage.

Your Obedient Servant,

A Guardian of Blood

As the last words of the signature appeared on the page, the top began to burn. Dolores dropped it on the stone floor of the now-empty room and stared at it until only ash and darkness were left around her.