Garfield League of America 3 Episode Three: Cuba Libre! Attack on Starro!
It was a day of explosions and wrath as Garfield was making good no his promise to liberate Cuba from the Communist tyranny of Black Lantern Fidel Castro.
Garfield was stroming through Castro's Palace in search of the undead man himself, holding two machine guns in his arms and gunning down all hapless Commie guards in his way.
"At long last Garfield has come to free us from the tyrannical yoke of Communism and bring the wonders of Capitalist Democracy to our fair isle!" The people of Cuba rushed into the streets with cheering and waving of American flags.
At long last Garfield cornered Black Lantern Fidel Castro. Black Lantern Fidel Castro feebishly made wimpy black lantern constructs and threw them at Garfield but Garfield casually swatted them away with his mighty palms like they were nothing.
"Pathetic worm, you have rolled your last cigar. Now roll in the grave instead." Garfield readied his machine guns and blasted Black Lantern Fidel Castro full of wholes. These were special Emotional Spectrum Bullets that the White Lantern Kyle Rayner gave Garfield which counteracted the undead powers of the Black Lanterns.
"Aaaaggaaagh! You may have vanquished me Garfield but in my re-death I shall have the last laugh!" Swore Black Lantern Fidel Castro as he took out a big red button and pushed it. "If Communism cannot have the world than we shall take the world with us!" Then he exploded.
There was great rumbling and quaking of the Earth as the Palace began to collapse. Quick on his feet Garfield escaped from the Palace as a large sinkhole opened up beneath the Palace and swallowed it whole. Then from where Castro's Palace once stood a giant alien starfish emerged from a secret underground lab.
It was Starro the Conqueror!
"Mwa ha ha ha I am finally free! And now I shall do what I was born to do – CONQUER THE WORLD!" Starro deviously mentally projected into Garfield's mind.
"Not if I have anything to say about that, one-eye. Looks like seafood's back on the menu." Garfield cracked his knuckles and did some warm-up stretches.
"Not so fast Garfield! You will have to overcome my mind-controlled pets first! Lets just say taking on them is… SUICIDE." Starro taunted Garfield as missiles were fired at Garfield. Garfield did a back-flip dodge and as he landed and explosions went off behind him he saw approaching him The Suicide Squad! The Suicide Squad all had mini-Starros on their faces mind-controlling them and they were Bloodsport, Rick Flag, Polka Dot Man, King Shark, Ratcatcher, and Peacemaker. Peacemaker was holding at gunpoint hostage bound and gagged a terrified Harley Quinn who was also wearing sexy red dress.
Garfield sighed. "You just had to go and mess with one of my woman. Now you are all going to die super horribly when you were just going to die horribly before."
Garfield and The Suicide Squad charged at each other while Starro began ramapaging and destroying all of Cuba. Starro fired more mini-Starros from inside of him that latched onto the faces of innocent Cuban people and enslaved their minds adding them to his army.
"You know the plan, boys!" Rick Flag said with leadership. "Kill Garfield! Then we shall aid Great Master Starro in remaking this Earth in his image!"
Bloodsport created a big freaking gun with his gun powers and fired destructive energy balls at Garfield. "I am sorry Garfield but killing you is the only way my daughter will ever think I am cool."
With master samurai reflexes, Garfield whipped out his katana and deflected the energy balls back at Bloodsport, takig out his knees. Bloodsport screamed and tried to reload in hasty panic but Garfield did a Jedi Jump Flip at him and sliced off his arms. As his arms went flying in the air and blood sprayed out the stumps, Garfield grabbed Bloodsports gun. "Let's see how cool she thinks you are without a head and dead."
Garfield blasted Bloodsport into bloody nothingness with his own gun. He was about to turn the gun onto the rest of the Suicide Squad when a deadly barrage of polka dots melted it.
"Taste the wrath of the rainbow Garfield and dieeeeee!" Polka Dot Man laughtered with madness as he fired more polka dots at Garfield.
"Rainbows are so empty and un-filling. Try some lasagna instead." Garfield slid under and jumped over several polka dot waves and then grabbed Polka Dot Man by the neck. He tied the colored miscreant up in knots and then shoved a funnel down his throat. Garfield snapped his fingers and opened up a magic portal to the realm of lasagna, and began stuffing lasagna down the funnel force-feeding Polka Dot Man like foie gras.
"Oh no lasagna is too good for such an worthless vessel like I! I cannot handle it!" Polka Dot Man cried as his heart gave out unable to comprehend the life-changing majesties of lasagna and he exploded.
"Get him King Shark!" Ordered Rick Flag with pointing. "Eat Garfield!" King Shark declared as he charged at Garfield.
"HAND!" Said King Shark as he raised his hand and tried to backhand Garfield.
"Ha ha ha Garfield King Shark is the ultimate unstoppable hybrid of man and shark! You have no hope of prevailing!" Rick Flag smugly stated only for his jaw to drop in terror as Garfield did a flip over the clumsy hand of King Shark. Garfield then mounted King Shark riding him like a sea-bronco and beating him into submission.
"Time for some shark fin lasagna!" Garfield picked up the fallen helpless King Shark and hoisted him above his head. "COOKED EXTRA RARE WITH A SIDE OF FATALITY."
"Oh. I die now." King Shark realized sadly before Garfield tore him in two creating great gore.
"You killed my father many moons ago and now you kill all my friends! So I will kill you!" Said Ratcatcher with vengeance as she summoned a plague of rats and sent them at Garfield.
"Who was your dad again? I've killed so many D-list bad guys over the years I've lost track. But if he made a foe out of me don't lie to yourself he got what he deserved." Said Garfield apologetically as he leapt back and threw a molotov on the rats killing them. This made Ratcatcher really irate and she charged at Garfield screaming incoherently. Garfield sidestepped her and then swung a mighty fist into her guts making Ratcatcher throw up many lunches. Garfield then grabbed Ratcatcher by her neck. "But if it matters so much to you, I'll reunite the two of you. The Garfield Express will get you there in a SNAP."
Garfield killed Ratcatcher, twisting her head backwards. It always did feel a bit off, killing a woman, but Garfield knew that freeing her from the madness of her own mind was its own kind of mercy. Sebastian, the last of Ratcatcher's rats, wailed in despair at the loss of its master before charging at Garfield in hopeless kamikaze attack. Garfield sighed and lifted his boot, stomping Sebastian into sickly red paste. Rick Flag with some dismay saw that except for Peacemaker, his entire Suicide Squad was now dead.
"It's just you and me now, Garfield. Time for a duel of ultimate manly honor to the death!" Rick Flag challenged as he pulled out his knife.
"Yeah, Rick Flag, finish Garfield and we can celebrate by taking turns riding Harley!" Peacemaker cheered his friend on. Harley Quinn helplessly cried as Peacekeeper whispered his devious intentions for her in his ear.
Garfield threw away his blades and guns and motioned with his hands. "These are all I need to take you on."
"This will be even easier than I thougth!" Rick Flag said with falsehoods and he ran screaming at Garfield. "Your legend ends here and mine shall fly high!"
"Wrong. You were never ever fly above half-mast. Taste my Kung Fu, fool!" Garfield quipped as he charged his fists up with MARTIAL ARTS and punched Rick Flag in two with a special technique Bruce Lee taught him many decades ago. Rick Flag's upper half went screaming off into the atmosphere before landing with a splat somewhere far away. Now it was just Garfield and Peacekeeper left.
Garfield and Peacekeeper found themselves in a stand-off pointing their guns as Peacekeeper held Harley Quinn like human shield.
"You think you can get me and not get your broad too Garfield? Why don't you surrender to the all-knowing and mighty power of Starro?" Peacemaker said with lunacy. "He is the one who shall finally bring ultimate peace to not only America but the whole world by reducing billions of discordant minds to a single unified one! Under Starro there will be no more war and only peace at last! Do you not know that you are working against the interests of freedom and America? I am the Hero here not you!"
"I do know one thing." Said Garfield with stern soul of iron. "I am not the coward who is hiding behind a helpless woman but calling himself a hero. Peacemaker, what a joke."
Hearing him called a coward hit Peacemaker like a bolt of lightning to the brain. He began frothing with veins bulging. Peacemaker screamed and threw Harley Quinn to the side. "No one calls me a coward and lives Garfield! I KILL YOU." In a blind rage Peacemaker ran at Garfield like the bull seeing red. Only to be stopped right dead in his track as Garfield shoved a shotgun barrel in his mouth knocking out all his teeth.
"MMMFFMMMFFF!" Protested Peacemaker with gagging as he swallowed his teeth to choking.
"Welcome to the ice cream parlor. Here is free sample of flavor of the day: SHOTGUN." Said Garfield as he pulled the trigger killing Peacemaker.
Garfield went up to Harley Quinn and undid her bindings. AS soon as she was free Harley Quinn leaped onto her savior with hyperactive planting of kisses.
"Oh Garfield you have saved me again! This calls for a party!" Said Harley Quinn with gratitude.
"And I got just the party for you going on in my pants." Said Garfield with sassiness. "But first things first, it's time to throw that little starfish back into the tidepool of doom where he belongs."
At that moment, the entire population of Cuba now controlled by Starro popped out of nowhere and surrounded Garfield. All speaking as one with Starro's voice, they announced to Garfield with threats "Oh yeah you and what army?"
To Harley Quinn all hope seemed lost as the mind-controlled Cubans closed in but Garfield merely yawned and then glared intensely at everyone. The threat of Garfields wrath proved to be too much for the mental powers of Starro to handle and all the mini-Starros began wilting and dropping off dead in fear freeing the Cubans from his mind control.
"Oh noes! Garfield's mind is too powerful for me!" Starro said with realization and he began to flee for his life.
"Uh Garfield do you mean you coulda done that the whole time?" Harley Quinn asked as she looked at the dead bodies of the rest of The Suicide Squad.
"Yeah." Garfield shrugged. "You'd wish I'd spared your teammates too?"
"Nah."They were jerks. I'm glad you killed them Garfield!" Said Harley Quinn as she and Garfield laughed with good friendship.
Harley Quinn then gave Garfield a javelin. "Hey Garfield, some douchebag that died earlier gave me this javelin and I don't know what to do with it. Perhaps you can put better use to it than me?"
"I already got a few ideas." Said Garfield as he whipped out his phone and made a call to a reserve member of the Justice League. Garfield then hopped on a motorcycle. Iron Maiden's Run To The Hills played as Garfield rode on the rooftops in pursuit after Starro.
"You're too late Garfield! I am like the gingerbread man you cannot catch me!" Starro bragged as he reached the water where his escape space submarine was waiting only to be greeted with horrifying sight as his escape space submarine was thrown out of th water and exploded by a blue beam of atomic hellfire. "Oh shoot what is this?" Starro panicked.
"You may be big, Starro, but I got even bigger friends." Said Garfield with a smile as arising from the waters was Garfield's old friend and reserve Justice Leaguer GODZILLA.
"Roar!" Said Godzilla with agreement as he grabbed Starro and held him in place. Starro tried to take over Godzilla's mind but it was futile for what was a mere star against a God?
Garfield hit a ramp and did a wheelie in mid-air before he leapt off his motorcycle. Garfield motioned to Godzilla, who nodded and shot the javelin with atomic breath charging it up with power. Garfield held his javelin high as he descended towards Starro. "Oh Gods of Lasagna… bless me with the power to smite this abomination from the world!"
At that moment, a red bolt of lightning descended from the heavens and hit the javelin. Imbued with the powers of both atomic radiation and divine lasagna Garfield roared vicotriousy as he used the javelin to penetrated Starro in the eye.
"I am the eye doctor and it is time for your exam." Said Garfield with humourous joke as he began slicing and dicing Starro from inside. "Diagnosis: Emergency Surgery!"
"NOOOOO I JUST WANTED SOME FRIENDS." Starro protested but it was too late and he exploded. What remained of his corpse fell over dead. Garfield calmly walked out of Starro's remains, without a single drop of Starro staining his majestic being.
"Roar!" Said Godzilla as he handed Garfield a lasagna mojito that he had purchased from a nearby bar. Nodding with appreciably, Garfield took a sip and let out a satisfied sigh. Garfield and Godzilla spent a few minutes just vibing and drinking mojitos until they knew it was time to head their separate ways.
"Good-bye, Godzilla. Thanks again for having my back." Said Garfield as he and Godzilla exchanged silent but manly thumbs ups. "And tell Kong the next time you see him too many bananas will make him fat and weak. Add some lasagna for a balanced and nutritious diet!"
Godzilla nodded before he departed, walking off into the sunset with a triumphant roar.
"Well, Garfield, look at you always findin' new ways to impress." Said Harley Quinn as she walked up to Garfield. In the background the people of Cuba were cheering Garfield's name and playing energetic and spicy party music in his honor. "You did what that wiener JFK never could and brought freedom and prosperity to Cuba."
"And that's just the start. Let's show these folks what some old fashioned AMERICAN LOVIN' looks like." Garfield said as he swept Harley Quinn off her feet for a kiss. "Tell me babe you ever tangoed and made love on the corpse of an alien invader?"
"No but it sounds like all kindas fun and kinky!" Squealed Harley Quinn with eagerness.
"That's what I like to hear! Sweetcheeks your whole body will be as red as your dress when I'm done with you!" Garfield laughed as he smacked Harley Quinn on her bum making her squeal. Garfield then took out a boom box and began playing Van Halen's Panama in stereo to set the mood. And thus the body of what was Starro the Conqueror became instead Starro the Mattress as Garfield threw Harley Quinn down and pinned and conquered her like it was the Bra & Panties Match at Wrestlemania before making all manner of sweet exotic lovings to her like the master gardener plowing the field to plant the daisies.
"Yes Garfield yes! Batter me like crab cakes with your loving!" Harley Quinn begged with thirst of the stranded desert dweller as Garfield ravaged her all over with loving bites like a mosquito spreading manhood instead of diseases. Garfield made many hours of unforgettable lovings to Harley Quinn in the hours to come, till day had become night had become day in Havana.
And though Garfield didn't know it, this small respite would be an oasis, for his deadliest battle against a dark new foe was yet to come and it was coming in fast.
To be continued…
